Moving "home" to care for aging parent

I've moved them into my home. But I wouldn't move into theirs.

My parents are pushing 90 and still at home. When one of them dies I may have to move in. I live half way across the country, and am not sure it's feasible for me to do it, but I think both dread leaving their house and would not cope well with moving to an assisted living facility. We've never really discussed it, but neither of them could manage alone at home.

Honor thy father and mother. Do not destroy thyself, thy relationships, thy children, and they career for they father and mother.

OP, you are a good son (or daughter.)

If you need a break, could you hire in home care to help? Do you have siblings or other relatives to help you?

I am in the midst of doing this with my partner and his mother. I am glad I adore both of them. We are helping her get her house in order, and it is an on site kind of situation.

I hate living in Trump country, and I miss my home, but we take time to ourselves and together with out Mom when we can. It is family, and they've welcomed me into theirs for years, it is the least I can do.

I stayed one weekend a month with my mother while she was still able to live in her home. That was easy; movies, some meals out, little excursions, etc. My sister lived just 5 minutes from her and was able to look in frequently. Finally Mom chose to move to a senior facility for the companionship of other ladies. I probably would have been OK living in her home full time but I did not want to leave my career to become a full time caregiver. She had dementia and finally went to live in a board and care home as it worsened. She had easy transitions from place to place and was happy in each.

A lot depends on the personality, health condition, and finances of the elder person. My mother was pretty easy to deal with although had some anger issues as her dementia progressed, especially when she was no longer allowed to drive. Finally she crossed into the dotty old lady phase and was all sweetness and light.

No matter what the situation it's difficult to watch a parent decline, especially if it goes on for a long time leaving them a vacant body in a comfy chair. Running out of money while still healthy but elderly can be downright tragic. This is one of the many areas in which the US sucks and could do a lot better. Providing a safety net for healthy elders who have outlived their savings. Social Security, as it is now, even combined with a pension, does not cover the cost of health care and people with dementia are especially difficult to place. Heart attack, broken hip, etc, it's easier to get Medicaid, but dementia patients can slip through the cracks and out onto the streets.

Be sure to make time for yourself. It’s grueling work and will take a toll on you.

You’re lucky, R5. I did this for a relative and it turned out very badly because the rest of the family figured it was now 100% my responsibility, since I was the one there, and they now had 0% responsibility since I was the one there. Lots of nasty fights.

When I finally told them I could not continue to do it completely alone without any help at all, they cut me off and I now have no family.

You’re better off keeping some space between yourself and the person, if there are other family members available. Don’t let yourself be known as the scapegoat for everybody else so they can all live their lives unaltered, while you shoulder the burden alone. A lot of people will try that.

Get them all together and make sure they understand they’re supposed to help too in some way, even if it’s just writing a small monthly check.

R8, you make some good points. If there are other family members around they may begin to mistrust and become suspicious of the main caregiver.

It happens a lot, according to a friend who is a private fiduciary, especially when the main caregiver, or sole trustee, has control of the parent's funds.

If that's true in your case, OP, it's very helpful to print out and share income and expense accounts annually to alleviate their fears. People have no idea how expensive it can be to care for an aging parent. Medications and supplies can be very costly. Then there are home repairs, food, and other expenses. You can also pay yourself an allowance from her funds if she can afford it. If it's all out in the open with siblings you like and trust, it will be easier on everyone.

Dad just died at 85. Mom is 82 and has blood cancer. We'd have to drag her out of her doll house before she'd go. But the time will come when she can't be there anymore, who knows when.

It's a little hick town in the middle of nowhere. No jobs. My sister and I are stuck where we are- far away- and really can't leave without losing everything.

They refused to believe they'd grow old and infirm, and then they did.

Thanks for the advice and thoughtfulness. A few answers:

[quote]If you need a break, could you hire in home care to help? Do you have siblings or other relatives to help you?

She's not infirm quite yet, but I don't have siblings or other relatives close by. I just don't want to have to upend my life in a hurry in case of a fall or a sudden health crisis.

Right now she's a older person with all her marbles and more (she bought an iPad recently and took a seniors-and-computers class at the local community college, for instance).

r5 and r8, I'm sorry. Living in Trump country is one thing I'm not looking forward to (fortunately Mom thinks Trump is the worst thing to happen to America in her lifetime) and I can't imagine having fights with siblings over care, the inheritance, etc. It's just me.

I moved in with my widower dad, who's now 90, about five years ago. He still drives, pays all of his own bills, does his own grocery shopping, etc., but I can definitely see him starting to fade.

He's in bed 12 hours a day now, just trying to get 6, 7, 8 hours of sleep. He's incontinent, so I'm cleaning toilets (and, occasionally, floors) a lot more than I used to. His legs give him a great deal of pain, so I'm doing what I can to see that he doesn't have to walk around so much, like getting the mail, doing his laundry, running SOME of his errands, and so forth.

Once he can no longer drive or shop for himself, I'm guessing he'll be gone in a year or two. So I'm letting him do as much as he can for himself now, because that's better for him emotionally/psychologically.

I have four brothers, but only one of them is of much help. The oldest lives 300 miles away, another is still using the "but I've got a career and a wife and kids" excuse (the "kids" are in their mid-twenties now) and my youngest brother is mildly retarded/really can't even take care of himself.

All of which is a rather long-winded way of saying, good for you, OP. Take heart in knowing that you were the one who stepped up, and did what needed to be done.

You're a good soul.

Cherish the time that you have with your parent. Blessings to you.

Thanks for the wisdom, r12. Good luck to you.

^^^You're very welcome. Peace on you.

I'd never move back "home" to take care of my parents. As it turned out I didn't have to. They were able to manage at first with having someone we hired to stay with them during the day and then increasing help at the end, at least for my dad, before he died. My stepmom, at the same time my dad was going through the final stages of COPD, her dementia was getting worse. This was over a six month period. During those six months I drove to see them each Saturday (70 miles each way) for a few hours and called them several times during the week. My brother and his wife who live a few minutes away preferred not to be involved and stopped by every few weeks.

Becoming involved in their daily lives, where I was there full time, would be stressful on both myself and my parents. I don't know why more people don't have someone come in like I did. Much less expensive than a managed care facility or nursing home. I suppose everyone's situation is different, but having children reintroduce themselves in their parent's day-to-day care after so many years away sounds like a recipe for hard feelings at a sensitive time in their lives.

I did it for a year after my dad died in Oct. 2015. Mom died a year to the day after dad died which was weird. It meant schlepping out to the suburbs after living downtown for 30+ years but now, especially having had that last year with her, I've never regretted it for a moment.

What a prize you must be, R16.

You’re so lucky, R17. It’s been my experience that a lot of older people, especially with diminished capacity, become very nasty and hateful and secretive. The laws protect them from having to share medical and other information, and until they’re extremely and obviously impaired to a casual stranger, or officially diagnosed, they can do whatever they want and no one can stop them. Then they get very angry and resentful if anyone tries to get any control over their wildly irresponsible and reckless behavior.

A few years of that takes it out of you.

You're quite right, r19 and I know I was very lucky. I had a great relationship with my mother. We could just sit and talk for hours and she was always very "up" and positive. She was in a certain amount of pain but never complained. Though I know she was tired and was ready to go, I just wish she'd had a few more years without my dad because theirs' was not a happy marriage.

What r 18 said!

The bad thing about being a caretaker if you were not treated well by a parent, is you find you remember all of the stuff that you had shrugged off or moved past. Because the type of people who treat a child poorly will brag loudly and frequently about all the stuff they imagine they did for you. The last thing they want to do is admit to anything they think you may have forgotten. Which provokes your repressed memory since their self aggrandizing fantasy is so at odds with the reality you were forced to live and cover up, and you listen and in your mind say NO, that is a complete fabrication. They would be much better to just stay quiet. But in the same way they covered and lied about what they did when they were doing it, it is a pattern of not caring about the effect or damage it did to you, and remaining a totally self centered and not a very nice human being to the bitter end.

It is a test of your evolvement if you can continue to care for them and never become abusive or cruel in return after remembering so much you wanted to forget.

Yes. It’s in my upbringing, long-standing set beliefs and within my cultural values that you take care of your parents when they can no longer take care of themselves.

My choice. I don’t judge or begrudge others that think and feel differently. Others feel like they need to live their own lives. As for me, I feel the duty and obligation to be here.

Dad had a stroke and I help my mom and sister take care of him. It’s not always rosy with all the home care, medical appointments and such but I’m very close to my family.

I left my graduate program (in good standing) and took a job back home. I can always go back to school - it’s not like a major university is gonna close its doors. Luckily, my hometown is a major metropolitan area (Houston) so there’s plenty of employment opportunities and things to do.

While here, I was able to find a boyfriend after being single for quite some time. Go figure.

I had my life planned out a different way, but sometimes you get thrown a curveball and gotta roll with the punches. I’ll do anything for my family.

Insure them heavily and don't move back

I did, and I don't regret it. I got to become friends with my parents. I didn't know a lot of things, that just came out as we spent time together. On the weekends, we'd go out for drives in the country. My Mom loved seeing the cows and horses of her childhood. I liked driving out of the city, too. We'd see deer and herons, and all sorts of wildlife. My brother and sister were jealous that I was so close to my parents. I didn't care. I live in the present, and my parents needed me. Both of my parents are dead now. The defining moment of my life.

Thank you for these helpful posts. Caregiving is important work.

I did and regret it. She is still functioning and capable at 85. But by being there now she expects me to spend all my time with her. Realized I sacrificed my own life for her and feel angry at her for being so narcissistic. Wished I had not moved back. I liked having my own life.

It's a crap shoot to move home to care for an aging parent. My mom and I had a rocky relationship before I moved home to care for her. Truth be told, I was also having a hard time, financially, so it helped to live rent-free. Luckily, it turned out OK, better than OK. I have good memories of my mom from that time.

I would say do it, but don't feel guilty if you need to back out.

Another issue to consider is that if an elderly person is significantly impaired, various medical personnel and social workers will high pressure you into getting a power of attorney or conservatorship to care for them, because without it you have no authority to even be told what’s going on, much less make any decisions on behalf of a person who may mentally deteriorate further with dementia.

And if you don’t, a person with dementia can be in denial and insist on making very poor, impaired decisions and you have to just sit there and let them because you’re not allowed to interfere.

The problem is, if you do once take legal charge of that person, you can’t ever “abandon” them or you could be charged with neglect. The law tries to have it both ways: first, they’re legally able to make decisions for themselves until they can barely form a coherent sentence, and second, although you’re not allowed to make any decisions, you can be charged with neglect.

If you have a parent that isn’t unreasonably demanding, you might get lucky and they might continue to cooperate as their health fails. But in many cases, they won’t admit they can’t take care of themselves, won’t let you do it either, and they fight you every step of the way. They don’t have to give you a power of attorney no matter how much doctors and bankers demand you produce it. Doctors step back and won’t help you for fear of lawsuit. If they are too impaired, no decent lawyer will allow them to sign anything, including a power of attorney even if they are willing.

A lot of this goes back to whether you had a good relationship to begin with. If there are even tiny cracks in it, you are in for a road straight to hell that can go on for decades. And with dementia, even formerly reasonable people can become mean and angry.

I’m not trying to scare anyone, but I went through decades of this. Every relationship flaw is magnified a hundredfold. If your parent is willing to discuss powers of attorney before they are too impaired to sign for it, that’s one thing. If your parent is one of those who wants to pretend all is well when it isn’t, don’t get yourself into this.

One thing you can do is go to every doctor appointment, be an emergency contact name in the doctors’ files and sign a form in each doctor’s office saying you have permission to discuss the case of the patient. Make sure they see your face and know who you are. Go into the exam room with them and ask the doctor questions.

If you can’t get the patient to agree to sign for you, bow out. Inevitably the person will be hospitalized and doctors won’t tell you anything at all without that form. And they ask the patient every visit whether you are beating them.

Hang in there caretakers!

I hate it. It was guilted into it. It’s changed me from being appreciative of my mother to wishing she would die already. Really horrible. Any love or appreciation I had for her is buried under resentment and anger - and understanding how deeply scarred she is from her childhood which takes the usual old age issues to another level of fear and insecurity. Can’t just abandon her now - and fear I will end up dying before her and never enjoying my life or doing the things I want before I die. I feel the “take care of your mother” guilt imposed by society is BS propagated by needy narcissistic mothers. No one is going to age care of me - and I’ve had to spend tens of thousands taking care of her. It sucks.

I think it will be rewarding emotionally and you will enjoy it.

R31, I get it. My partner has a 93 year old mother who is very high maintenance. She's in decent health but is likely to run out of money before she dies and if we can't find a Medi-Cal bed for her (providing she has a health emergency to even qualify for one) she will be with us or on the streets. That means that as seniors ourselves on limited means we'd be care-giving for a demanding woman who takes multiple medications, wears depends, doesn't shop or cook for herself, needs help with bathing, doctor's appointments etc and complains all the time. She's in a private pay board and care home and it's already a part-time job for my partner to look after her. Even with all his help she drops little insult bombs and accuses of things he'd never do.

It's one of the great failings of this wealthy nation that elders don't get enough assistance to have decent housing and care after they've run through their savings. It's a terrible thing to wish for a person's death before their money runs out and a difficult task to care for them when it does. If they don't have something that puts them in the hospital it's very difficult to get a Medi-Cal bed where we live. A 101 yr old woman was recently booted from her senior residence when she ran out of money and didn't qualify for a Medi-Cal bed. She was placed in another county far away from family and friends who are also elderly.

The absence of adequate care for the elderly is a source of much of the current social strain. People can never save enough to pay for themselves into an indefinite future - unless you are in the top 10% and are diligent - and lucky. I’m stuck paying do an elderly mother while I’m trying to save for my own retirement - almost impossible. And unfair. People who had all the advantages growing up now have the added advantage of not having to care for parents because their parents have enough money to get great care. Republicans want to push it all on the individual. But it just doesn’t work that way. My mother didn’t work much growing up and then my Dad got sick at 62 and had to take early SS - which she then got 1/2 of when he died. She is supposed to live on $800/month.

Absolutely correct R34.

Also, unless you were lucky to own real estate in SF, LA, or another area where real estate values exploded, the savings one accumulated in the past don't cover today's expenses. People in their 90s have sold their homes and have still outlived their cash resources.

No way in hell. They’ll go to a nursing home if they need to.

Both times were adventures and I did everything wrong, but we managed to have fun spending all the money.

I moved my widowed mother in with me, into a house I built for this purpose.

We get along fine for the most part though she complains about everything. She’s still able to drive herself to the grocery and to the hair salon, so I’m carrying on somewhat normally regarding work, dinner with friends, stuff like that. Long ago I decided guys were dogs and I hated them, so I can keep this up as long as she’s able to live by herself during the day.

No clue what happens after that. My family went nuts after my dad died, so it’s just me and her.

You are very fortunate to be able to do that, R38.

I own a home but there is only a half bath and no bedrooms downstairs. Building or moving is so expensive where I live it's out of the question.

I did it 5 years ago. I didnt move to same town but same general area. My mom is in fairly ok physical shape but I had noticed for several years some memory issues and she had difficulty in multi tasking, with directions and other more subtle things. Also her personality changed and she was more argumentative. I havent been able to do much in the way of doing things for her around her house but I more or less arranged the details of getting a new car for her and other more major things she hated to do especially as it relates to finances. I sense that she doesnt want me spending much time at her house as its often cluttered as her organizationaI skills arent good and she wants to mask as much as possible her mental slipping. WHere I have also been able to help out is I go twice a week and assist my 100 year old aunt who is still living in an independent apt in a retirement home which means she is unsupervised.

I lived in a larger city in Florida and I miss my house and the weather obviously and I am in a smaller city in the midwest. I would have felt too guilty had I just ignored the elephant in the room and let my few remaining relatives fend for themselves. I am an only child and didnt have very many family dramas nor have to do much but visit once and a while for over 35 years and so I had a long time where I didnt have many family obligations. I am now in a sense making up for it.

I'm in this situation now. I moved back into my parents place a year ago. I would be bitter, but part of the problem is they have a huge place and they can't keep it up, and being a huge place, I live there and often won't see them until we have dinner.

I have to be honest though, while my finances were fine, I was still renting as a 45 year old. I have no problem paying my bills, but coming up with $30,000+ for a down payment on house/townhouse would have been rough/impossible without me moving back. The problem is now though, I'm not sure how they will "do" without me.

I mow the lawn, get the groceries, get the liquor, fix what I can, help with tech stuff (whenever Showtime Anytime asks for a reauthorization my Mother is lost). I'm a little worried I may never leave.

I won't do it. My parents don't deserve the kind of sacrifices that good parents do, they were abusive and criminally negligent during my childhood, and I was out on my ass at 18 and struggling to survive on minimum wage while my school friends all went to good colleges.

Let my favored straight brothers care for them, they got to go to college so they can afford to make sacrifices where I can't. Although they'll probably push it all off on their wives.

It's my understanding that in the UK, you will be paid by the government for being a "carer" for your parent(s). I knew someone carrying for his father, and he even got respite and was able to go on a vacation (his father stayed in a care home which was payed for by the government).

In the US you get nothing for being a carer for an elderly parent.

I'm resigned to this happening sometime over the next 5 years or so. Knock on wood, my mother is pretty healthy and based on my grandmother and great-grandmother's history, she will be in decent health well into her 80's. My grandmother is 91 and has slowed down noticeably the last couple of years. But for most of her 80's, she was taking care of my uncle's home whilst living with him and his family. She retired to a good senior care home about 4 years ago.

So hopefully I won't need to take care of my mom for another decade or two. She does however want me to come back to California and be near her. She raised my brother and me alone and we are all she has. She ends every voicemail and message about missing me. I want to do right by her but yeah, it's pretty much a guilt trip because I moved to the east coast 15 years ago and I prefer living here than in California. Plus, I'm not sure how I'm going to get a comparable job in CA when I'll be in my early 50's.

My parents occasionally mention that they did well with their 401k investments before they retired to Florida, and moan about being forced to withdraw a certain amount per year or face heavy taxes. They spend this money on at least 2 cruises per year. Because of current political nonsense -- they've become typical Trump supporters in FLA - we haven't spoken in six months. I just hope they've put away enough $ for their long-term care because I don't plan on providing any.

I took care of my Mom for the last 12 years of her life. My sisters did not help. You will need help so you must put pressure on your brothers and sisters, if any, to help you. Don't accept "I don't have time" as an excuse. Force them.

The type of parents you have means they haven't put any aside and will expect you to pick up the slack. Being that you clearly don't like them and it doesn't seem like you will be inheriting a chunk of change from them avoid them like the plague.

I totally understand elder abuse. Heterosexual parents are an incredibly selfish narcissistic horror. To avoid wanting to lash out at them in their weakened state and do to them what they did to you when you were a dependent vulnerable child ignore their degringolade.

It's tough...

I assume every here has living wills and health care proxies...Get that sorted, you never know what is gonna happen.

I moved in with my parents 6 years ago. I've developed a closer relationship with them than I ever imagined. Sadly, I have no friends here but financially we are all okay. I feel like I had more than enough fun up until my late 30's so I didn't really miss out on anything.

Gosh, you all are so kind and forgiving. I just got back from a "monitor" visit with my 89 year old mother, the narcissist, and it's taking weeks to recover. I thought I was old and wise enough to take care of myself around her, and the truth is, I'm not and never will be. However, I have taken over her finances, watch her bank account, make sure her taxes get paid, and I will do the bare minimum I must to see her to her grave. Thank god, I have a sister who feels the same way, and we're a team.

I have realized I’m never going to look back at this period of caring for her as the “so glad I got to become friends with her” that so many seem to feel. I had a respectful and caring relationship towards her despite her neediness and narcissism for 25 years. Then made the mistake of moving home because she was getting old -80- and she has made my life miserable for 5 years. If they have the money, let them pay for care. Unfortunately, my mother has none so needs financial as well as psychological help. A nightmare with no redeeming aspect - wish I was still Christian so I could believe I would get some kind of payback for sacrificing my happiness. But in reality I know it’s just thankless responsibility.

My sister and I are begging our mother to move into assisted living. She is very isolated and bitter and her support system is dissolving. I may have to move in with her at some point and I dread the thought, although I do love her. She has had a pretty good life but she is never satisfied with anything.

If my mother had the money, 100% she would be in an assisted living place. Don’t sacrifice your life - unless you really like her and get along.

Why don't you all put your mothers in assisted living? I don't get why you think you have to make this great sacrifice, or why you assume it's the best option for your elderly parent. Some of you sound quite bitter and down right abusive (backing away slowly from R47). Consider that your moms might be a lot happier, and better served, living in a senior community with various levels of care based on their needs, ranging from independent living (friends their own age and lots of activities) to lifestyle support.....and then on to nursing care.

But assisted living requires that you sell mom's house and hand over the proceeds to someone else for her care. Is that the crux of the matter for some of you? Moving in with mom, even though you hate her and don't want to care for her, just so you can guard your inheritance? If so that sucks.

Assisted living both costs money, R54, and requires that the parent be willing to go. one or both qualifications are missing in more cases than not.

Aging into 90s without a plan or without considering grown children's lives is irresponsible and selfish. Just like these giant houses of crap that others will have to sort through. Recently, I made two trips to see parents when friends alerted me my mother was failing. She was. I stayed for a while, took her to her cardio doc 70 mi away, set up some precautions on financials so the money she has might last long enough. I fed them well. But they couldn't wait for me to leave, to prove they're NOT old or in need of care. I had been respectful and careful-- but my mother was resentful and angry. Now that I'm home, she and stepdad appear to be doing great. I think my long visit scared them a bit. Or maybe my mother's quack PCP put her on anti-depressants. Who knows-- but Mommie Dearest has a second wind. I agree with last group of posters to beware. I had thought my visits were going to be a monthly duty, but for now, I'm letting them live as they please.

No matter what, watch the finances. My parents have been scammed at least 3 times. By phone and recently in my mother's bank account (a fake electronic check-- easy to do the bank tells me when people write paper checks.) When a friend's father died, she learned he had two pensions, not one, had spent everything he had on TV shopping, and had a 2nd mortgage on his house. Another friend has spent her parents' sizeable fortune down to the bone on home caregivers in the giant family home the mother begs to keep. Of course the bright side is if their income goes to 0, Medicare pays for nursing home.

Some very moving testimonials here, thanks to those who have shared.

My last brother died unexpectedly 4 years ago, I had counted on him to share the burden of caring for my now 90 year old mother. She herself is shameless, has said outright that she expects me to remain in her city to look after her until she passes. 'Then I can do what I want'.

Obviously no one has the right to demand one surrender the last vital decades of ones life to care for another but -- she has done so. I love my ma but I am frustrated and terrified lest I suddenly discover that my life involves little more than brunch and antiquing with my elderly mother until I finally die of bitterness and old age.

Assisted living is not all it is cracked up to be, and as R55 said, it costs a fortune. A decent place in my city starts at $4,000 a month (and it starts at that). From their point of view (and I tend to agree), why sell your house and move into a cramped apartment, no garage, mediocre food options, group trips to the store (you've seen the buses parked in front of grocery stores), when they can just stay at home and have someone help out.

A personal assistant would be far cheaper than assisted living and probably be more effective as long as medical issues aren't involved.

problem is, R59, you start with daytime companion, and then slowly it escalates. Should you need full-time care, you face a rotation of caregivers, who come and go, create drama-- and can cost as much as $200,000 a year or more. At this point, should you need to move your parent, there may be no good place, depending on where you live, because the early-in people are first-in-line to move up to more full-care facilities. My parents are both on lots of heart meds. This means they could limp along to 100. In the old days, a heart attack or stroke would have taken them out. No one's planning. It's just parents expecting their children to solve it all-- yet they hate the solutions. Complain. Get angry.

R60 is correct. They want you in your 70's when you are still relatively young and healthy to pay those high monthly fees for a decade before they have to provide a higher level of care. Then you can move to nursing care later on when you need it and you will be first one the list with a fixed cost established a decade prior when you signed up.

my sister moved home with her kids and husband to take care of my dad(dementia), he paid for her college and bills, I left home as a teenager, started working and never stopped. She's being an ungrateful bitch and is fed up of taking care of him after 3 years, he's still in good health and still recognizes faces.

Thankfully my parents took care of all this with their murder suicide pact.

They were always so considerate and didn’t want to be a burden.

I did it and am doing it and it has its ups and downs. My help with the parent and other relatives isnt always appreciated and they are difficult to deal with. I havent tried to break into the local age appropriate gay scene until recently and its mostly filled with guys that took no chances in life and never moved away from the midwest. It is less expensive to live here, the weather is nice 9 months a year. I dont like the conservative poliitics and the overly religious atmosphere, those are the things that bother me the most. Overall a mixed bag/

My mother was diagnosed with Vascular Dementia in 2016.

I went there every day of the week to check up on her.

I then started staying pretty much all the time and going home occasionally to pick up clothes.

I officially moved in 6 months after diagnosis and have been her since-coming on 3 years+.

Your life does literally go on hold. It comes to a standstill while you care for your parent.

Your siblings WILL NOT help you. They will rely on you to do everything.

My two other brothers have visited about twice in three years.

You will get very frustrated.

Your parent will become myopic to their own frail needs and not realise the stress you are under.

It's not deliberate, but that's how it plays out when they are sickly.

You can put them in a facility and that is your choice.

It's no picnic and no upside other than you are caring for your parent.

When my mother's end comes, I will not be bitter at the lost years due to her illness but more for my siblings who didn't lift a finger and showed an aspect of their character that I was not aware of.

I am more in R56 's camp. I am only child in town and have uprooted in MY retirement to go to Palm Springs, leaving my 94 yr old mother in the Midwest in her own home. She has resources and when the time comes we can bring her to California or send her to my siblings or arrange for in- home care. I will cycle thru her town 3 or 4 times a years alternating with siblings.

It’s a bad idea. I’ve done it and it’s been 4 years and I’m bitter and angry and resentful of her. But now leaving is almost impossible. She has no money - we were always poor - so putting her in a home is using my retirement money. It’s a horrible situation that I don’t recommend. It hasn’t made us closer or helped me learn anything - in fact it’s only made me angry with her and more aware of her issues that affected me growing up and my own mental health. But lacking money I’m stuck. Don’t do it. It’s not noble to sacrifice your life - it’s social and parental guilt. I feel my life is being wasted caring fo someone who will die and leave me lonelier, poorer and more isolated than I was.

My sister takes care of my father, from her messages to me, she sounds fed up. I visit my dad twice a year (2 wks each time) I have to work, no paid time off. He's told me he feels like a burden, it is very sad to see your parent in a decline like that.

It’s even worse to deal with it every day and have your life revolve around it R68. It makes you wish they were dead - which is a horrible thing.

For those of you who have siblings, did your relationship suffer due to the fact that they are living their lives and you are taking care of parent?

My parents both died very suddenly in there early 60's (about a year apart).

Never knew how lucky they were, I wouldn't have been taking care of them.

You have my deepest sympathies R67. I'm terrified that I'll find myself in your situation some day.

R70 My partner has four siblings. After their mother died, their father was also in poor health, but because he was an asshole none of the siblings wanted to deal with him. It ended up being my partner who had to drop everything to take him to doctor appointments, help him manage his finances, etc etc etc, even though some of his siblings live closer. We both barely tolerate any of his siblings now.

Both my parents were abusive. My father is dead and I'm estranged from my mother. I owe her nothing. I would never care for her because she never cared for me. I honestly don't care what happens to her.

Just so happens I'm spending a week w/my father planning next steps when his terminal illness worsens. I live in SoCal. When he was initially diagnosed, my partner and I offered to relocate him to CA but understandably he preferred to stay put. He currently lives on his own in a flyover state, with a home care worker coming 3x and a hospice nurse 2x per wk. We agreed on a senior facility that offers various levels of care, so he'll merely move from one wing to another. He opted for an in-state senior veterans center, so already there's a built in commonality among residents. He has already planned/paid for his funeral & burial.

Shady Pines, Ma. Shady Pines

R74 that’s sad. You will feel his spirit like a cool breeze blow threw your soul.

To those posting on here saying you resent your siblings for not helping why do you continue?

Hey bro, here’s the list of things that need to get done for Dad, your turn! See ya next week!

If he dies on your watch cause you didn’t do anything that’s on you.

People can only take advantage of you if you let them.

Siblings that don't help out tend to be useless in the end. They end up having no understanding of the parents care needs. It becomes a no win situation because whilst you have a little freedom for a bit, you end up worrying what's going on with your parent in the hands of essentially a disinterested idiot.

If you have a good career and you don't stand to inherit enough money to enable you to either never work again or go a long time without a job, it is outlandish to think of quitting your job and moving in with your parents to take care of one or both. It has to be assumed if a parent needs a child to give up his or her own life to take care of them at the end they probably aren't very well off. You can't ruin one life to help another, even if it's a parent. There are other alternatives for the aged who are nearing the end. Someone who needs that level of care should be in a nursing facility IMO.

A friend of mine went through this years ago, moving back home for about 5 or 6 years in the final stage of his mother’s life. He has help from his older sister who was local and a nurse; when she divorced her husband late in life the three of them bought a big farmhouse with plenty of land. This is sort of Northeastern Ohio, about 80 minutes drive to Columbus, a shorter drive north to the lake. It was challenging but he did an amazing job and his mother was a lovely woman, liberal minded and sweet. We all used to take holidays together for several years annually in the Outer Banks. The time I spent with his family, during that time, remain some of my most cherished memories. I felt like a part of their family too.

There was a big fallout when she died, a really dark period where my friend has to find a life for himself after being a carer for that long. He’s very talented and likeable so he re-invented himself after a time and still has the farmhouse. The sister went a bit nuts when the mother died - feeling a little too close to her own mortality - and married, badly, on a whim and deserted her brother for several years. That was strange and unexpected as she had such a good life with stables and the horses she loved. Oh well.

I really admired my friend for the way he cared for his mother. But it was also a warning that as the gay son, of a certain generation, people and siblings just expect you to come home as if you have no life, especially if you don’t have children or a partner. My relationship with my birth mother was much different - she is the classic abusive narcissist. At that time, for several reasons, I acknowledged that we didn’t have a relationship, for my own well being and to improve other relationships in my life. I made it clear that as she had other priorities in life (religious and political) and had always been disloyal to me and betrayed me over the years (in substantial ways) that I did not want a relationship with her. (My birth father never had a relationship with me, other than to physically abuse me as a child and teenager. I left home at 16. I’m not adopted but as we have no relationship it’s just easier for me to refer to them as birth parents.) We’ve been estranged now for going on 14 years. One of the reasons I clarified that was because I did not want my three siblings, married with children, to think for a moment that I was going to move home and/or contribute to their care, which always seems to fall on the gay sons.

^^And that estrangement was about three years in the making during which her constantly antagonising and criticising me we had little contact anyway. She was always bad mouthing me to anybody that would listen. I’ve often suspected the rest of my family is jealous of me for having drawn those boundaries and not having to deal with her.

The other issue post death is how siblings who didn't lift a finger somehow imagine they are entitled to the spoils of the estate for their nil contribution to their parents last needy years. That because of blood, they deserve an equal share as the one who sacrificed everything to look after an ill parent. A sacrifice that can go for many years.

I experienced that too, R82. It’s been my experience that the farther way they are, the more they dismiss how hard it is to care for an aging parent, as if your sacrifice means nothing.

R77, I had relatives that refused to do anything. I mean anything. Wouldn’t even pick up the phone and ask Dad to cooperate or call his doctor to find out what’s going on. One simply told me, “No.” Never got any cooperation from that person at all. Another would just scream on the phone about how they had too many pressures already and how dare I ask for help. I was a monster for even suggesting they help. They also did this when nurses would call, assuming they gave a shit what was going on. They didn’t. I noticed a lot of people couldn’t even believe that people would act that way. Well, they did. This isn’t my first time caring for an elderly parent and it’s not the first time somebody acted like that either. Certain people just check out and there’s absolutely nothing you can do to get them involved.

You may have sane relatives, but don’t assume everybody else does too.

R83 We've also experienced both of those things. Flat-out refusal to help, but now that both parents are dead, they want to be arm-chair estate lawyers.

for those whose families have some money: Isn't there some way for the caregiver to paid weekly so they end up with more than those who didn't do anything?

r67 You were supposed to be doing this with your life. Know that you are fulfilling your destiny. We are all here for a reason and I know people think it has to be big and wonderful but mostly it is for just everyday things. Don't be bitter or resentful but know that you are doing a good job and doing what you are supposed to be doing.

R85, my relatives demanded I pay for a full time staff out of my pocket, knowing I couldn’t possibly afford to do that. They have no concern about what I’m supposed to do after I’ve spent my retirement on somebody else. I have received a lot of malicious, hateful messages from them after I refused to destroy myself so they don’t have to spend a dime. According to them, I’m evil.

[quote]Siblings that don't help out tend to be useless in the end. They end up having no understanding of the parents care needs.

This exactly R78.

And if you try to explain to them how to take care of a parent they get exasperated and complain that it's too much work.

Yes it is.

R82 when my father died my BIL assumed my mother was going to sell everything she owned and give everyone "half" of my father's estate.

He was already shopping for a cabin expecting a windfall.

My parents had nothing when dad died and even less now.

It’s always the people who did nothing that are right there for “how much did I get!?”

This is a sad story about a gay man who recently committed suicide at age 60, George Hodgman. He wrote an award-winning book in 2015 about his experience moving back home to care for his elderly mother who had dementia.

He was an editor at Vanity Fair but had been fired because of his meth addiction. After that he went home to Missouri to visit his mother and ended up moving in to care for her. From Manhattan to small town Missouri. Anyway, sad.

I read that book R90. And it makes complete sense. He gave up his life and ran away from his problems to care for his mother. A common occurrence - gay man gives up life to care for mother, mother dies, gay man is left lonely and alone isolated in middle of nowhere, tries to resume life in late middle age and fails. Don’t give up your life for hers.

I had a friend named Eddie. We met because we both collected vintage pocket watches.

He never moved out of his parents home and after his father died he took care of his mother. He waited on her hand and foot--cooking, cleaning, medical appointments, taking care of the huge house she refused to sell so they could move somewhere smaller.

He was closeted but came out at 50. He wasn't very good looking, was fat and didn't have much by way of social graces, so his dating life wasn't very good.

He always told me that when his mother died he would be able to sell the house and start living his own life.

One morning his mother found him dead on the sofa. He was 64.

At the funeral his mother started talking about how SHE took care of Eddie and now that he had "departed this earthly realm" she could do the things she always wanted to do. And the bitch did.

The house was sold and she started traveling, going on cruises, vacations to Europe, eating at expensive restaurants and staying for a week at time in hotels.

She lived to be 95 and only died because two years ago she went out for a walk when it was snowing and fell and hit her head. She was picked up by an ambulance but had a heart attack in the truck and died in hospital.

I still think about Eddie and how he never lived his life.

R92 great story. That’s my fear - I die before my mother having wasted my precious life on caring for her. Thought she would have died 5 years ago but she keeps going and is healthy at 86. Ready to bail on the whole thing if I could only get past the guilt.

R67, if your mom doesn't have much in terms of savings or assets, can't Medicare cover assisted living or in-home care costs? Why do you need to use your own retirement money? I'm confused, and I apologize for asking probing questions that aren't any of my business. I just know that my grandmother divested her home and other assets with my parents' help a few years before she needed full-time care so that the assisted living place wouldn't get them.

R67, put her in a wheelchair and leave her at the emergency room entrance. They’ll have to take her in. Hopefully she’s not lucid enough to tell them your name.

My mother couldn't be on her own once my father died. She lived in an apartment near my sister but wanted to move 5 hours away to her hometown. She went to a nice assisted living place which will drain her assets, then allow her to remain in a Medicaid room. She has a "boyfriend" in the home who still drives and friends to do things with. If she had lived with my sister or me it would have been hellish for all of us. There won't be an inheritance, but my sister and I have done okay. I can't imagine giving up my life that took me years to establish in another state to be her caretaker. If I had--would she have the new boyfriend and friends her age whose company she enjoys a lot more than mine?

I did this to help my father take care of my mother, she died this year aged 68 which is pretty young. We honestly expected her to have longer, it was a shock when she left us even though she had been so poorly. I am glad I did it, but at the same time I hope my dad stays healthy a few more years as my sister has small children and realistically, his care would fall to me and unselfishly, I want him to try to enjoy some of his retirement now, but I fear he will go very downhill without my mom, they were devoted to each other.

A friend of mine’s mother died. My friend has two half-brothers from her father’s first marriage, both losers, already failing at life as adults when her parents married late in life.

Days after her mother’s death, one of the half-brothers made a serious enquiry of my friend as to what provision had been made for him personally in the will of her mother, that being his father’s late second wife he barely knew...

Some people’s sense of entitlement is incredible.

When my mother wanted to put my baby brother in a home, I told her I would take care of him. He was low functioning autistic, but the most lovable human I ever met. I took care of him till he passed away 3 years ago this month. Karma is a real thing. My older brother, who she loved and adored, promised to take care of her till she passed. She signed everything over to him and he put her in a home. I won’t see any inheritance, but I don’t care. Money can’t buy what I learned from my baby brother. And older brother will be facing karma soon. I know it’s not a parent I took care of, but she was an asshole, and my Dad, who adored my youngest brother, died the year before. I will never regret it, ever!

You’re an awesome person, R99.

My biggest fear is that my mother will live to be well over 100 as her mother did and I will die before her and not get to run the family firm. Sometimes I feel like pushing her down a hill.

I moved from a large city back to my home town to help out while my mum had cancer - I thought I would hate it but I'm actually much happier here and ended up staying. I bought my own home though - I could never stay long term with relatives without murdering someone.

I did. They moved in with me. I am just recovering from the nightmare it was. I'm pretty sure I have PTSD from it. 1997-2013. Ruined me financially. Shrink was amazed I did not off myself.

I don’t see the problem with your brother, R99. He promised to take care of her and he did - he found a nice rest home for her. You sound so chipper and positive, but there’s a ton of anger and resentment boiling under the surface. Get some therapy.

I agree with many posters here, don't even think about getting any money after they die, most likely there won't be anything left.

My sister was a nurse and she lived not far from my mother in hateful city in the Midwest. Fine. I was free to leave and go to NYC to live decently. There was no decent and self-respecting live a gay man could have in the Midwest in the 1970's.

Then, just a few years after I got out, my sister offed herself. That changed everything. After we go through the initial part of that change, I did sit down with my mother and have the discussion about long-term care, should it be needed. I told her I was getting established in NYC, was happy there, and considered it now my home. So... if she - having lived her life the way she chose and now retired from her career - needed long-term care, what would her preference be? To stay in the Midwest where she had friends and the surroundings were familiar? Or come to the East Coast and be near her son. It was her choice to make and she was free to make it. I assured her that I would honor it, whatever she chose. She chose coming East. I was gratified that she took no time in making that choice. Importantly, she told me she understood why I would not give up everything I was building for my life in NYC. That really was the key. She respected me and my life. She understood what went into building a career. She had a realistic view of the world. She did not make it all a test of my love for her.

Luckily, when her final illness came, it came quickly. We never got to long-term care. I am certain that whatever she could do to make that final illness decisive, she did. She was a strong and independent woman. She would not have been happy being in long-term care.

Your parents lived their lives as they chose to live them. You should get the same chance. So talk to each other and arrive at some choices that respect everyone involved.

[quote] She had a realistic view of the world. She did not make it all a test of my love for her.

These are concepts that my mother, and I suspect many mothers of DLers, would not comprehend.

Not sure Medicare/Medicaid is accepted at most nursing homes in Northeast. From what I know, only state subsidized places take it and in the city those places are truly scary. Like 2-3 people in a room, one of whom is in dementia and screaming, understaffed and falling apart.

If anyone has different experiences - in Northeast - with Medicare/Aid and nursing homes, I’d be curious to hear.

I remember as a kid watching Falcon Crest or Dallas with my mother and listening to her sigh and wish she were rich so she could have full time staff taking care of her.

I've been waiting on her hand and foot for the past 20 years and she's not wealthy by any stretch of the imagination.

Sometimes I'm so fucking bitter.

Hope there will be at least a decent pay-out for you at the end, R109.

Honestly no R110.

My mother collects two small pensions and I work to support both of us.

Read that book Bettyville. It is really good.

My aunt's first husband died young leaving her with a daughter. She remarried a man who was divorced and had three sons he never saw since his divorce, although I'm told he supported them financially. My cousin's step-father was for all intents and purposes the only father she had known. During the last two years of my aunt's life, my cousin moved back into the home of her mother and step-father to care for both of them. My aunt died and my cousin remained to look after her step-father which was pretty much a full-time job for nine more years until his death.

My aunt and her husband were not rich, but they were quite well off. My aunt's estate went to her second husband. Her second husband left everything to his kids from his first marriage to make up for not being part of their lives. My cousin who was caregiver for over 11 years received nothing. She left that house with her clothes and a few items of furniture she brought with her when she moved back in with her parents having sold the rest at the time.

Fuck sacrificing a chunk of your life to look after family members. Fuck it.

Holy shit R113.

What is it with fathers doing things like that in old age? Did he really think giving those useless sons money would fix him being an absent father?

I don't know anyone who has done this and it ended up 'good' for them - it is a sacrifice after all.

I'm moving my 80 year old mother from Chicago to Palm Springs next month. She wants to move to California to be closer to me - and I think Palm Springs is an easy area for an older person.

Hoping it goes well - if not, I dont know what the fuck I'm going to do.

This is something I worry about every day. I'm 31, and she's 74. My father died a few years ago and, of course, my mother is also mentally ill (untreated) so she's just in her own world. She expects to never move out of her house, but of course does nothing to maintain it, doesn't handle her finances (I do), doesn't take great care of herself... expects me to take care of her forever. She has no family or friends close by and, again, because of her mental illness has alienated everyone she used to know. Surprisingly, I'm pretty sure she doesn't have dementia, but... still. She doesn't do ANYTHING for herself, she won't go grocery shopping, go to the doctor, I have to do everything.

To top it off I just completed a masters degree in a competitive field (I should have known better), and I'm on a job search. It would be super easy for me to get a job if I could just apply everywhere, but I'm pretty sure I can't move more than 2-3 hours away. I'm hesitant to apply to better jobs further away, but honestly I'm tempted to just automate everything (including grocery delivery/meals on wheels) and get her a housecleaner to come in and make sure her house doesn't get filthy (she also doesn't clean! but she's not a hoarder (THANK GOD -- her favorite day happens to be garbage day, because she gets to pester the garbage men, who in turn give her free recycling bags... so that's a bonus?). I was criticized for asking for advice on another forum for wanting to move, because I haven't tried hard enough to get her to "socalize" enough. She's a fucking shut in! I can barely get her to go to the doctor, do you think I can force her to go to a senior's drop in center for the afternoon? Fuck no, I've tried!

R116, I was in a similar situation. The person did absolutely nothing to maintain the house and everything was either filthy or not working. They wouldn’t change light bulbs so every bulb in the entire house was burned out. All the dishes were dirty every time I went there, all the clothes were dirty unless I came over and washed them. The refrigerator was dirty and full of old moldy food and food stains. The food in the cupboards and fridge was all expired. The microwave was never cleaned. Ever. Food was apparently cooked with no lid. It took days for me to clean up every time.

And they didn’t want to be disturbed by having another person around. They stayed in their room while I cleaned and complained if I stayed too long. There were always comments about how they didn’t want somebody in the house bothering them.

You have my deepest sympathy.

Thanks R117.

That's exactly what I think would happen if I left her to her own devices. Although, she does do the dishes and laundry (she puts on the dishwasher for 4 plates, but you know what? it's better than the alternative) and takes care of the fridge (again, she loves garbage day). She would never clean the fridge, microwave, toilet, countertops etc. So I know it would become unmanageable. Her house is in pretty good shape, but would probably need to be renovated before selling (ugh, don't get me started on THAT can of worms). My dad was an engineer, so while that means my mom has a pretty good amount of money to live on for the rest of her life (a good pension from my dad that covers all of her bills + retirement savings + and very few expenses as of right now)... it also meant that he did literally ALL the home repair so some of the house is just hideous. He installed new laminate flooring 15 years ago, decided he hated the baseboards he bought and never bought new baseboards, never finished painting rooms. I know this is all stuff that I can do or hire someone to do, but dealing with my mom is exhausting enough. Forget having to figure out how to get her to deal with slight renovations, because she thinks the house is just fine!

R118, from my experience, you can’t let it get too bad and you have to try to get someone in the house on a regular basis if they won’t come out. My person wouldn’t go out either.

Somebody has to be on top of the maintenance issues. You’d have to hire a cleaning lady probably. Then what happens when her health is deteriorates to the point that she falls down and can’t get up or something? ADT has a panic button they give people to wear around their neck. If they fall, they can press it and somebody will come.

I guess you could get Alexa but I don’t know if she would use it. She could always ask it to call 911 if she had to. You can have the bills paid by auto-pay.

I’ve looked after both elderly parents. They became super secretive as they aged and wouldn’t cooperate with keeping the house maintained. They didn’t want to spend the money, or have strangers in the house fixing things.

Yeah, the maintenance issues are what I really worry about. I didn't mention it in the first post, but my mother has seemed to be more interested in getting some sort of assistance lately. Although she still expects me to take care of her forever. She had a health scare recently (more related to regular old age than her mental illness) and it turns out she's relatively healthy, now she has to manage her high blood pressure. She has a doctor now, which she didn't a few months ago. I did propose having someone come in and clean for her and she wasn't totally against that idea, so I should probably ride this wave while she seems into it and hire someone soon. Do cleaning ladies change light bulbs (okay, the light bulb thing has now become another worry)?? Her bills are paid automatically and I hire out the lawn/snow removal as well.

Honestly, I have no idea what I'd do if her health deteriorates that much. As she refuses to move to any sort of facility. Out of desperation I've even suggested to her that she move with me (to an assisted living facility nearby) if I get a job out of town, which she flatly refuses. I guess one of those life alert necklaces would have to suffice. At this rate, I'm sure she'll be clinging on until 90.

Change her light bulbs out to leds. They will last for years. Also, another thing that helps is putting the can lights and kitchen and bathroom lights on a motion detector. That way they will go off automatically when she leaves the room.

My person used to leave every light in the house on for hours or days, whether they were in the room or not. That’s part of the reason they were all burned out. Also, older people have very poor night vision, so getting the house very well lit can prevent falls. Put stronger light bulbs in all the fixtures, but use leds. Add can lights, sconces or chandeliers if possible. The less stuff to knock over the better. It will still be economical if you use leds. They start at about 4.5 watts. If there are stairs, put motion detector lights on the stairs. They now have smart bulbs that can be turned on remotely. They sell them at Costco.

A physical therapist that specializes in the elderly told me once that the main ways old people fall is tripping on loose rugs and falling out of bed. He also said they fall on stuff like footstools and coffee tables. He suggested removing the coffee table entirely, since elderly people just fall over them. Try and get the glass tables out if you can. If they fall on them or knock them over, that’s a serious injury.

He wanted elderly people to have their boxspring on the floor so they couldn’t fall far. Some of them have very high beds and use a step stool to get in bed, which is bad. I guess old people fall out of bed all the time.

He also thought pretty much all old people should have a bathing chair in the shower. Even if they didn’t require it. That’s another place to fall.

Stuff to think about.

[quote] She doesn't do ANYTHING for herself, she won't go grocery shopping, go to the doctor, I have to do everything.

R116, before your Dad died, did he do all the shopping, transportation to doctor, etc., for your Mom? I would "automate" everything (grocery delivery, etc.) even if I stayed in the same town as Mom. You're 31 now. Do you want to be 40 and doing all that errand stuff for your Mom? IMO, you don't need to show her love by personally doing all of her errands. IMO, it's not worth your time to be doing stuff that you could pay someone else to do.

R120, what are you going to do if you can't get a job nearby? If I were you, I'd take a harder line, set some boundaries. You don't owe it to your mother to conform to all those conditions. In your place, I would take the best job I could find even if it were in the Middle East, sell the house and put your mother in a retirement village/assisted living complex in the area. In the long and short run, it would be healthier for her and you. You have your own life. You're entitled to build your career. Do you really think you could find a partner who would accept your current situation with your mother?

My father has always done exactly as he pleased, and screw the consequences for everyone else in the family. Now those choices have caught up with him. He’s lonely and isolated, but then resentful and unpleasant when anyone tries to help him. There’s no way in hell I’d move back to the middle of nowhere to take care of him. At this point, he can live with the consequences of his decisions.

I flat out refused to move 8 hours away back to my hometown to take care of my parents. They were getting frail and had a house twice the size of mine. Every cleaning lady quit because they followed them around constantly. They were lonely and also not getting along well. I got their house sold after a couple minor repairs, and got them into a nice apartment that was age restricted and had lots of optional activities. They made new friends, had a social life for the first time in 20 years and enjoyed living there until my father passed away 6 years later. If I had moved back there and assumed the role of caretaker I would been bitter, angry, then dead by now. Just say No to martyrdom! (yes, I loved my parents very much)

R123 Obviously I don't think I could find a partner in this situation!

How on earth do I force her to sell a house that she owns and move when she doesn't want to? Legally, I'm pretty sure she has the right to actually stay there until she dies. If I get power of attorney, it sounds like (from reading upthread) that I wouldn't be able to move away if I got it, so without that how on earth can I force her to move out?

Realizing it’s all about saying no - even if it means she is angry. Let her run my life for too long. Not going to spend my life taking care of her.

R126, you are a woman? All I can say is, read the posts in this thread and others on this topic. People regret having made sacrifices to care for family members. As a woman in a tech field, you have a tough enough row to hoe. You need to make your mother understand that give and take is required; if she wants you to be there for her, it should not mean you have to sacrifice your career and personal life. If she insists on staying put, then she can use her funds to provide the ongoing care she needs. She has lived her life as she chose; you are entitled to do the same.

I worry because lately I've been very resentful towards my mother.

R126, I’ve been through several similar situations in my family. You can’t force anyone to give you a power of attorney, and if you try it could be seen as abuse. If she becomes so physically or mentally impaired she is a danger to herself, you can go to court and get a conservatorship. This is expensive and extremely difficult. The judge won’t allow your mother to leave his jurisdiction, at least in the case I know he didn’t, and he didn’t want the son to leave the jurisdiction either. So you could be trapped there. The son was able to get away by hiring a local lawyer to handle things. It was very expensive. That’s a long story in itself.

Recently I spoke to a lawyer about a similar situation. He said as long as the senior was not declared mentally incompetent, they had a right to do anything they wanted no matter how stupid. He handled this by not getting the children involved at all. Instead he directed his communications to the senior themselves. He said as long as they aren’t legally incompetent, you have to treat them like they know what they’re doing, even if they don’t.

There’s a of generation of seniors now that can’t physically care for themselves, don’t have enough money or any children living close by, and there’s little or no infrastructure to help them. Don’t expect any social services or adult protective services to help you at all. They won’t.

The whole system is geared for letting irrational people do whatever they please with no limits. And there is no financial or infrastructure help at all in many states. What I have learned is you have to save yourself. No authority will help these people unless they are in a dire crisis. And they won’t give any assistance at all if you’re anywhere in the picture. So don’t do this to yourself. And save your money as much as you can to care for yourself. There will be nothing at all for you if the Republicans have any say so. And they will.

Well, R120, you treat her like a headstrong child - you give her options. "Do you want to put your pajamas on now or do you want to brush your teeth first?" As in, "I have been offered a job in LA and I will be moving there in 6 weeks. Do you want to move there too and live in an assisted living complex or do you want me to find help for you to stay here?"

Believe me, you only have a small window to build your career. Your mother is not going to be around in 15 years when you are dealing with under-employment and financial problems due to having let her hijack your life. And that goes double for finding a partner, if that is your wish.

Get some help. You say she has "untreated mental illness." Discuss this with a doctor. Seventy-four is not too old for her to still be getting some joy from being alive.

Not sure if this has already been asked? But did any of your parents move 'home ' to take care of their ageing parents?

I know my Mother & Father certainly wouldn't have done it.

My mother and grandparents lived in the same town. My grandfather was in a nursing home for the last three years of his life (Alzheimers), and she went for a few hours every goddamn day. When my grandmother started having trouble walking, my mother and her six siblings each took one day per week to go sit with my grandmother at her house in case she had a fall or something. Once my grandmother entered the hospital for the final few months of her life, my mother repeated the same pattern she'd done with my grandfather -- every day from breakfast through lunch she'd visit.

On the surface it seems very touching, but I shudder inside knowing that she expects the same behavior from me. I don't even have the luxury of siblings.

I love my mother and I don't care that I'm the sole care giver while my siblings ignore both of us, but I wish I had been permitted to live my life and work good jobs so at least now I'd be financially secure, instead of just getting by.

My siblings have everything and they're counting the days till our mother dies so they can get their hands on what little she has.

I really hate them.

That sounds pretty normal R133 and I've even known people have their ageing parents move into their home, it's the reverse where you move back to your parents house full time that seems a bit strange?

As they are now the dependant then they should fit into your life.

R135 For me to do any of that in the future would require my moving back to the hometown or my mother moving to my town. It may be normal for all I know, but I haven't a nurturing bone in my body so to me it seems horribly excessive. (I failed to mention that my mother has a martyr complex, so she absolutely LIVES for that type of thing.)

yes, very sad.

My partner's father was diagnosed with dementia but he's still knows the names/faces but can't write or drive. Can still shower by himself etc.

His daughter (my partner's sister), her 3 kids and husband moved home to take care of him (he paid for her college., car etc while my partner moved out at 17 and worked).

When my partner visits him on xmas break, the father said he feels like a burden, stays in his room 99% of the time. Grandkids ignore him and treats him like shit and ignore him.

One question to you guys, why do elderly people lose so much weight? My partner's dad (dementia) looks thin. He used to be a stocky fella. When my partner visited, he was eating normally but quite thin.

If I ever get a slow death diagnosis, I will off myself. Hopefully assisted suicide will be legal then...

So many people get dementia now.

Up front, let me say this: I am a mother. I love my children. I will never put them through what my mother does me. A mother who loves her child will not let her/him sacrifice their life for hers. A mother who loves her children will work with a plan that suits all. Maybe even give up her home and car keys willingly. A mother who loves her child will not leave her estate to a 2nd husband. Loving mothers are few and far between. If you're stuck taking care of one, she's probably not. Ditto for dad.

I take care of my narcissistic mother from 1000 mi away. When it's time, into the nursing home she'll go.

R138 I think in times past, people would die before the severe dementia had time to set in.

Those were the days.

This right in my wheelhouse. I quit my career in Hollywood (behind the camera) and moved home to take care of my Mom (an amazing loving woman-- she was wonderful) I thought it would be 6 months and I'd move her into an assisted living type place and go back to Hollywood. Then I got sick. Doctors thought i had cancer. At the same time she developed Alzheimer's, while I struggled to function. I was caring for her and trying to care for me. It sucked. I had no one to help me, and life started to get really dark. I begged god to take her first, because if I died, there would be no one to take care of her. I didn't know what she would do without me. I also planned to take my life as soon as she passed away. I couldn't imaging living with my illness for years and years and into old age. It was a really dark time.

After a few years, I started to get better as she declined. Her death was slow and awful. She was in home hospice for two and half years. The good news is people with dementia Alzheimers don't know they are sick. But, man, is it hard to watch. It is alot like schizophrenia. They see things . My mom thought the people on the TV were talking to her and she would talk back. The sweet thing is my mom thought The Golden Girls were her friends (her actual friends vanished when she was diagnosed-- sad, really) On a dark note, my mom used to wake up in the middle of the night and didn't recognize her surroundings and she would be terrified. It was heart-breaking.

She's now gone, but so are my 40's. I can't believe the time I lost, but i just loved her so much, I couldn't imagine abandoning her in some nursing home. They all are horrible. If you have to put your parent somewhere, find a "Board and Care". Way better and cheaper and they actually bond with your parent and care about them.

Caring for someone 24/7 is mentally exhausting and depressing. I encourage you to make time for friends because i lost mine. I ended up in a town where I didn't know anyone and found that I had nothing to talk about with anyone because my life had become so mundane. (That's when I found DL. Reading the lively debates and wise-cracking zingers brought alot of joy to my miserable existance.) Sidenote: Facebook can become very depressing when you're looking at people "living life to the fullest" and all you do is lay in bed.

I worry about us men, who don't have kids to care for us. I was my mom's medical advocate. It was a full time job managing her medicines and doctor appointments and taking care of her. No one in this world will step up and take care of me when I need help one day. And friends will develop their own health problems and won't want the burden of someone else's. My mom had tons of friends and they all disappeared.

I hate what I've done to my life, but proud of the son I was.

R139 and R141 - both insightful. I truly respect the mothers who refuses to do this to their children. And R141 - noble of you but you do provide a good example of the damage that sacrificing life for a parent does. We all have different mothers with different experiences - so some may be less altruistic towards them.

My mother lost her parents before 17 so she thinks we should be grateful every day that she is alive. Was true 40 years ago and is true now that she is 85. A totally different perspective - she has no idea what it would be like to sacrifice your freedom for your parents - actually thinks that’s a great thing. Realized after 5 years moving home to care for her, that I just need to say no and fight every day to maintain my self identify and own life. Unfortunately, I will never feel I did “enough” because none of it is or was enough for her given her background. We are entering a new world where parents are living so much longer - the cultural and personal expectations need to adjust.

Money makes a huge difference. My parents poverty meant that they had nothing for retirement. It’s up to us kids to pay for everything beyond the measly $13,000 year in social security. So for those of you who have the option of parents paying for themselves - feel lucky. Ditto for the possibility of inheritance. You are very lucky.

Watch this movie. You will see your parents in a different way.

Watch this movie. You will see your parents in a different way.

Meh - Hollywood fantasy R143 . First, Japanese culture takes the caring of parents to an extreme degree and it is culturally ingrained. Second, in 2019 life is different. Most importantly, it’s a made for entertainment fantasy that edits out all the reality - like Joan Crawford in Mildred Pierce vs the real Joan Crawford in Mommie Dearest.

R142 You make a great point here. My mom, too, got very little social security. The financial burden to take care of her got so bad I moved us out of our family home (and into a 2 bedroom apartment) and rented out the house, because I needed the income. When she died, I had 40,000 worth of credit card debt from putting about 800/month on the credit cards for 9 years. That 800 was for medication. She had to have her medication so I always put meds and food on the credit cards.

I honestly don't know how Americans survive. We were lucky that I had a house I could rent out, but the cost to take care of an elderly invalid is insane.

And parents are lucky to have kids who figure out how to pay for them R145. Well done.

This whole process has made me an anti-natalist. I feel like I’ve been given a life to take care of just by being born - even though I explicitly chose never to have children because I didn’t want the financial and psychological burden.

Having the burden of a child/parent thrust on you makes me appreciate the socialist model where everyone shares the burden. Most of my fiends’ parents were wealthy enough to pay for their own retirement and leave them an inheritance. Yet so many of us are struggling to try to save for our own retirement while paying for our parents retirement. Seems to be the minority here on DL - where everyone has millions saved for retirement and parents leave them an inheritance.

^ Meant R146

[quote] My mother lost her parents before 17 so she thinks we should be grateful every day that she is alive.... A totally different perspective - she has no idea what it would be like to sacrifice your freedom for your parents - actually thinks that’s a great thing.

I disagree that parents dying before child is 18 ---> grown-up child expecting her own children to sacrifice freedom. If anything, I would say that parents dying before you're 18 ---> "I wanna take care of my own kids as long as possible; my parents died too early."

R142 , I know it's easy to say, but don't feel guilty about how much you "can't" do for your mom. You've probably done more than others would do for their parents.

R

R143 R144 I knew I'd read something somewhere about elderly Japanese people getting themselves arrested because they would be better cared for in prison.

Might be an option for elderly US citizens.

R150 I'm surprised that's happening in Japan. I've always heard about how Asian cultures do a better job of taking care of their elderly than the West.

This breaks my heart. Asian culture has traditionally been to take care of elders until they die... I think this must be the influence of western culture. So sad.

I have had my mom loving with me for over 15 years. I wanted my kids to have a sense of family ties, and wanted my mom to be around her grandchildren. Unfortunately, my mom had turned into a not so fun loving person, and is very headstrong. It's her way, or the highway. She orders shit from all those catalogs that come in the mail. Now she's online, and buys a million vitamins, and shoes. Just sketchers, Keds. She has about 39 comfort shoes, and not one worn in. And still, orders 1 more pair. She also spends every last dime of her retirement and SS, and thinks her CashNetUSA payday loan is a line of credit, and doesn't realize she has spent, just this year, over $1000 in fees. She pays nothing towards house expenses. She recently had her Citibank card hack; I have lost track, but it's over 6 times she has had her checking account, back card, or another credit hacked. She's giving her information out to every Tom, Dick and Mary online. I want the house clutter free, and I can get rid of things that are needed or useful. She can not. When we moved houses, we fought, FOUGHT, over the 2 plastic dollar store little storage bins full of twisty-ties; I just wanted to get rid of one of them. My daughter had to come in an stopped the argument. I wish my mom would be more congenial. She is always on edge. She says I can get rid of all her junk when she dies. Thanks Mom, I want to spend 3 years getting rid of your shit. Sadly, she just causes me great stress, and it brings me down. I wish it was better. Oh, and my two brothers don't pay for anything, and don't try to talk with her about trying being more cooperative. They also don't have her visit for long periods of time to give me a fucking break. Probably because she would drive them crazy. If they would take each for say a month, it might make me feel less stressful. My partner feels the brunt of my brutal relationship with my mom, and it's not fair to him. I just want to be happy.

Sorry, R153, every doormat has WELCOME written on it. Time for a few well-chosen words, eg, "We need you to contribute to the household expenses, since you live here. Your share for power, phone, food, cable, maintenance comes to $xyz." "If you wish to keep these objects which are cluttering up common living space, you will need to keep them in your room." "You need to apologise for that rude comment." To your brothers, "I can no longer support our mother singlehandedly. You need to contribute financially and spend time with her, otherwise, we are going to have to make alternative arrangements."

Get your partner to back you up and if necessary let him be the bad cop. It's his home and she is not his mother.

Some days I worry that I won't be able to support both my mother and me. Some months money is tight. I feel like a failure not being able to take care of her like I should. We don't live in poverty, but every penny is counted.

My cousin was faced with this situation. Parents in their late 80's, major health and cognitive problems, so she moved them to a facility near her. Moving to take care of them may be your only option, and they will resist change so you might have to overrule them, but it would be better for you to move them to you.

Older people resist change. Once they hit 80, they will be as contrarian and demanding as you allow. You end up becoming their parental/authority figure. But it is important to assess what you'll be dealing with. What's the lay of the land? If there are other siblings to share the responsibility, make sure everyone's expectations and their limits are very clear. Shared responsibilities are very often unequal.

Also irrational resentment of the caregiver is possible. This can also manifest itself in your parent's close friends and neighbors who may feel threatened or displaced. Caring for a loved one, especially an elderly parent is emotionally exhausting, physically taxing, and unappreciated. It's also isolating. Did I say it is unappreciated?

Old people become like children as they come closer to the ending. They are querulous, demanding and singularly focused on their own personal needs. They're oblivious to the needs of others. Not because they're awful people, but because they have lost all autonomy, and independence. They're very conscious of their needs to rely on others, and they are frightened. My honest and sincere recommendation is to move your parent to where you live. I will also suggest to you that you should not move into the same house with them if you can avoid it. I say this for the sake of your mental health. You will need to be able to put separation between you and your duties. I'm not trying to sound pessimistic or harsh, but I have had personal experience with this and I also used to work in this field and I am telling you as honestly as I can what the deal is.

Sad.

My god I'm so thankful my mom wants to move to Palm Springs and is already getting rid of her stuff. We're moving her into a furnished condo - so nothing to move cross-country. We're gonna sell her car and just get a new one when she flies out.

I'm sure there will be times when she regrets moving - but at 80, she has to balance it with the great weather and easier lifestyle.

I'm very grateful that money isn't an issue. She's moving end of next month - so a lot to plan and do. Fingers crossed on this.

I live on the opposite coast from my mother. Last year, we lucked out as she was accepted into a low income senior apartment. Lucky for her because her SS check doesn't come close to covering market rent prices. Lucky for me because I don't have to pick up the rent difference and also because only she is allowed to live in the unit. For years, she would ask me to come home and live with her. Now it's not possible.

Though, she probably thinks when I do return to my hometown, she will move into me. I'm going to mitigate it by offering of live close by. Plus, cry financial difficulties.

More stories please.

Be prepared to give up your life.

Don't expect to be able to adhere to any schedule or plans.

Don't expect to get any help from siblings.

Don't think you'll be able to take extra hours at work.

Forget about being able to save up any money because your expenses will double.

OP - could you move your parent to your place - do you have the space? Does your parent have a house that is paid for? Could it be sold and proceeds used to pay for 24 hour care at your place? No parent (OK most) don't want to be a burden to their children. What you are doing is incredibly selfless but consider other solutions.

Sorry to say, my sister and I don’t have to worry about this because my declining mother died of a heart attack before we had to deal with this. She had applied for a low-income senior apartment, but was dreading the downsize of the house (her partner had recently died, too). She was stubborn and difficult and it would have been a nightmare. My sister had offered to buy her a studio apartment near us (my mother was far away), and mom staunchly refused. We had talked about it quite frankly, and she went exactly how she wanted to. I’m sad but happy she didn’t have to continue her decline.

A friend of a friend moved her mother in to live with her when the mother was dying of cancer. Hospital bed and all. She and her siblings spent time with her, and were with her when she died. I cannot imagine. But they are close like that, and that’s how their family is. I think it’s beautiful they were able to do that.

Don't move to her. Don't move in with her. Move her to you. Don't move her in with you. If you have siblings, tell them you'll need financial help. They are usually relieved to just write a check. Be specific. In our case I had an older sister who paid for mother to have a phone. She paid that bill. I did a budget and figure out how much utilities and groceries cost each month. Was very specific. My brother handles the groceries, and my mother's baby brother makes sure she has her cable TV each month. My mother's monthly income covers her rent, and the beauty shop twice a month. She also plays bingo every week. Lives in a Senior Citizens apartment. Not assisted living. I cover everything else she needs as well as the cleaning lady who comes once a week, and someone to drive her when she needs a ride to a doctor's appointment or WTF ever.

R165, my mom also lives in a senior apartment. Her SS covers her rent, which also includes utilities. My brother pays her landline and mobile phone bills. I pay her cable. I pay for her annual international trip to visit her mother and extended family and other occasional non-essential expenses.

The looming problem is she lives in SoCal and I live on the east coast. It's unlikely she will move to me since she can't abide winters--LA ones. So there's no chance she'll put up with east coast winters.

Everyone's situation is different. But ultimately, these elderly parents have to go into assisted living or a nursing home when it gets to the point that they can no longer live on their own. It's not your responsibility to uproot your life or leave your job to take care of them. That's ridiculous. The money they have saved, or the money from the sale of their house will pay for it to start. Once all their savings is paid out, Medicaid will pay for a nursing home.

What is it about elderly parents sucking the life force from their children?

My mother's friend is 89 years old. When her husband died 25 years ago she moved in with her oldest daughter who died of a stroke five years later.

She moved in with her son who died of a heart attack seven years later.

She's now living with her youngest daughter who was diagnosed with terminal cancer.

Yet the old woman, at 92, is healthy as a horse.

There's so many stories of elderly parents outliving their caregiver children. Why is that?

Probably a big mistake.

I wound up taking care of my parents for about twenty years. My parents were already in their late 40's when I was born, so I wound up with elderly parents. I moved back to my home town just in time for my dad's first open heart surgery. I had an apartment a block away from their house, and dropped in on them several times a day to check on them. My dad died nine years later, and his pension ended when he died. My mother could no longer afford the family home so I wound up buying it out from under her and moving in. I had put in for, and received, a transfer to Fort Lauderdale, and my mother was all in favor of it. Then she had a major stroke, and the move to Florida was cancelled. She suffered some dementia from the stroke, as well as physical limitations. She kind of lapsed into a coma whenever she was out of a familiar situation, and that precluded any move. Once she fell in the kitchen, and went into the hospital for a week. She was totally responsive for the entire hospital stay. She finally came back to reality riding home in the car, as she was familiar with the car. No memory of the hospital stay at all. She eventually died at 96, eleven years after my dad. You're correct in the fact that taking care of your elders is a full time job. I worked full time, and had a nurse come in during the day. No help whatsoever from my siblings who lived out of state. My fiance would up breaking off our engagement when she insisted that I put my mother in a nursing home, something I promised my father I would never do. While it was aggravating at the time, turned out to be the best thing that ever happened. The marriage would have been a disaster. First of all, it gave me an insight how she would treat me if I were ever to become ill, and secondly, I found out that she has blown up to be an absolute blimp that now has to ride around in one of those battery carts. It's going to be difficult to take care of your parents, and you're going to have to put parts of your life on hold, but I don't regret taking care of them for a minute. I was able to reconcile with my father, who I could not get along with for years. My parents put large chunks of their lives on hold, and I was raised in a household where one took care of family. It's gonna be hard, but you can never tell if an event is going to be good or bad at the moment it happens. Sometimes what appears to be a bad thing turns out to be the best thing that ever happened to you. After taking care of my parents for so many years, my life really opened up and I am really enjoying myself today.

You can ask/beg/demand all you want but if the siblings don't respond, what are you going to do? Let Mom fall and not get up? Shit the bed? I don't think so. Even before she was sick(er), we'd been down at my widowed Mom's place almost every weekend taking care of the house, had taken her to travel with us (she loved Chicago more than LA, Seattle, a cruise to Mexico or the Canadian Rockies because she found a great hair stylist in a salon next to the Drake, met Abigail van Buren at Spagio and Rosie O'Donnell at the Ambassador East, ate at the Pump Room and Army and Lou's, saw every building, it seemed, that Frank Lloyd Wright designed and looked at every earring and whirligig for sale in Lake Geneva, Wisconsin one Sunday afternoon) and helped manage her medical care at home, whether in a doc's office or when she was hospitalized.

My partner and I did it years ago when her long slow decline got worse in the 1990's. Moving back home wasn't that bad: I was able to rent out our house in town and she lived only about 30 miles away in the suburbs. I have three siblings who did almost nothing - not even as much as to stop by and say hello much - and zero excuses not to: none of 'em had kids and all of 'em lived closer to her than I did. I could and did continue working because I worked 9 to 5 and commuted and my boss arranged for other people to do the out-of-town travel. My partner worked 3 to 11 and he commuted by buying himself a truck. I organized having her friends and the home health aides come by in the afternoons while both of us were out of the house. Her illness was all physical - no dementia - but it was tough for her to be so limited: she and my Dad had traveled all over the world before he died and she spent the next ten winters in Florida which she hated giving up when she got too ill to be down there alone.

It was demanding but moving in was the right thing to do and it kept her out of a nursing home (one she could have easily afforded) for the last two years of her life. Her final hospitalization was five days - no hospice, no nursing home, and I'm glad we were able to do it while we were doing it. She loved going for rides in that truck - sitting up high and seeing everything didn't seem like much to me, but she loved it - and my partner was her willing yard slave doing all the outdoor work she'd done herself or had hired someone to do in the gardens for years. He learned everything he knows about gardening from her and in return introduced her to pot because she had chronic hepatitis and couldn't have her cocktail in the evenings. He showed me a letter (one I'd never seen before) from her twenty years later saying he was a better son to her than my brothers which meant a lot to him.

He was as surprised as me when her lawyer told me at the wake to stop by his office to discuss the finances when it was convenient after the funeral because I was her executor. I knew that but didn't know she'd changed her will about two months before she died from the four-way split of all her assets to me, my brothers and sister that I had known about to a new one instructing me to give $5000 each to my three sibs, $10,000 to my partner (and to pay off the loan on his truck), make her bequests to her church and charities, and leaving everything else to me. She, and the lawyer, made it airtight: my brothers and sisters tried to contest it and got nowhere. I had zero qualms about following her instructions to a "T" because their lack of interest in her well-being, even more than the lack of any help from them really pissed me off and more than that, ate at her. I've had zero contact with them since. I don't miss 'em. She did - acutely - when they should have been there for her and to me, that was unforgivable. Harsh? Maybe, but not nearly so harsh as them ignoring her when she needed them.

Chances are that your parent's county has a Department of Aging and you can request information to find out what services your parent qualifies for. If your parent doesn't want "charity", frame it as free stuff.... everyone else is getting free stuff, why shouldn't he/she? Also, if your parent belongs to any kind of religion, check out what services his/her local church offers... the church may have volunteers who take elderly people to the grocery store or library or just to drop by and run a vacuum or do some gardening. Sometimes you don't even have to belong to a religion, they just have nice people who will show up anyway if your parent qualifies for aid. You should be there the first couple of times the volunteers show up, to reassure your parents that this is a normal, safe situation. [And frankly, if you don't want to move in, you can use the argument that the parent won't qualify for the free stuff if you move in.... so you're not the bad guy.]

However, one thing that nobody is mentioning is that a lot of home-health aides are minorities. For white people who grew up in segregated times, this may become an issue - either the aging parent is uncomfortable, or else they say stupid, racist things that they cannot understand is racist, which makes everyone else uncomfortable.

Also, almost every elderly person believes that someone is stealing from them. Sometimes it's true, sometimes it's not. That's why it's important that if you have siblings and you are in charge of the bills, once a month you should send them an accounting and keep them up-to-date on the parent's health status. Or at least give them a verbal update. You don't want your siblings believing that you are stealing. Things can get really ugly, really fast.

And if a sibling has been cut out of the will, don't leave it as an ugly surprise that they find out about on the day of the funeral - let the sibling know early, even if it sounds crass. Low expectations lead to low drama. Same for insurance. My mother had dropped her insurance and I was expected to pay for the entire funeral... which I found out the day after she died. Yes, I had to raid my 401K to pay the burial costs, and yes, it was just a graveside memorial service, because my 401K was small.

And if a parent is moving, encourage the parent to give away stuff to the other siblings if they want it. Fights over "stuff" can wreck a family for years. If you know your sibling really wants something and you don't care, you can gently suggest the parent give the stuff to the sibling as a holiday gift ... and let your sibling know it was your idea but the parent's decision.

These stories are so moving. I have the greatest respect and admiration for those of you who have done this. You sound like you have such big hearts and so much integrity, I wish I could know you IRL.

I just spit out my coffee as I cackled in laughter, reading R92’s cautionary tale of Eddie. Eddie’s mom must be my mother’s long lost twin, because undoubtedly, this would be her go to narrative if I croak before her.

It’s not easy, especially if the parent was emotionally abusive, and saw you as a burden or an afterthought, when you were legally dependent on them. Now, I have names and descriptions of what ails my mother in the latest DSM, but the ability to identify and describe Borderline Personality Disorder, along with Bipolarity and Chronic Clinical Depression, means very little, when they look at you with despair and terror, that you will abandon them, when they need you desperately. It’s not because she wants to express how much she loves me, or how remorseful she is that she was an undisputedly shitty parent. It’s still all about her. “Same as it ever was..”. just like the song says.

Every situation is different, and while on it’s face, it may look similar to the experiences of others, our personal motivations for caring for an elderly parent who was and still is 100% selfish to their core, can be pretty complex, if not nuanced.

Because of certain privacy concerns, such as shared Wi-Fi in our home, I am not at liberty to discuss my motivations, justification, or reasons why I choose to not leave my mom to fend for herself, however, I can say that the reason I do it, is a damn good one. And, nope - not financially motivated at all, whatsoever. So let’s just say that my mother is extraordinarily fortunate to have given birth to a child who, while not perfectly well adjusted in all facets of life, is nevertheless a decent enough person to make sure that she is protected as a vulnerable senior, from others who could abuse her now, as they did, and have done, for many years.

It’s nothing to brag about. There’s no reward big enough to compensate you for it, and I have no idea how I will feel about it in the future, as I look back on this time in my life. No guarantees, as I could easily follow in Eddie’s footsteps at any moment, yes? LOL!

I love my fucked up mother. I am kinder than she is, I am smarter than she is, and unlike her, I am not willing to compromise much, in order to have a spouse or a partner, who treats me as poorly as she did and does me. Protecting her isn’t about codependence. It’s about doing the right thing. It’s that simple.

Good luck to all of you who choose to do this. Reading this thread only affirms what I have always suspected: when the rubber meets the road, most human beings will do the right thing, even when they have every justification not to. And this applies to all of us, no exceptions, INCLUDING the deplorables who voted our current Circus Clown & Chief.

R168 - great story. And so true. Exactly what I’m afraid of. My father died at 63 when my mom was 59. I have been caring for her for 27 years and no end in sight. Had a sister die and now a bother with terminal cancer. She is likely going to outlive us all. I’ve recently decided that I’m going to live my life for me - because there is a chance I end up dying before her.

Agree they suck the life out of you. If I had known 27 years ago, she would still be kicking, I would have lived my life more fully. But the social guilt - in certain classes/cultures anyway - enforced that you have to care for parents. Even though I never chose to be born and wasn’t treated all that great as a kid. I’ve now spent almost 10 years more caring for my mother than she did caring for me - and I didn’t choose it. Ruined my life.

R175 I know how you're feeling and can empathize with what you wrote and your situation.

More than once I heard my mother say that she wished we were never born, she wished we died the day we were born, she wished we got sick and died as babies. We ruined her life, she could have left our father and lived her own life if not for us. On and on it went for years.

Now, as R174 wrote, "when they look at you with despair and terror, that you will abandon them" I stay with her and take care of her.

This morning while visiting my father's grave she said I was the only good thing that ever happened to her in her entire life. And all I can think about are the years I've wasted being a caregiver for various family members.

As a kid our school priest told us, "Homos don't get married or have children!" as a warning to not be a homo apparently. I was tickled pink. I knew I was a homo and that meant I wouldn't have to get married or have to be a father. Yet here I am playing a parent to my own parent.

I love my mother and I want her to be happy and healthy and feel safe, but I just wanted more for my life. I wanted what all my siblings have had.

[quote]However, one thing that nobody is mentioning is that a lot of home-health aides are minorities. For white people who grew up in segregated times, this may become an issue

You need to tell the old cunt that a colored woman will be wiping and her ass and changing her diaper. Or else she can sleep in her own poo all night of she prefers.

She’ll get over it real quick.

R176, I too got the, “I wish you were never born, you ruined my life, I could have remarried if not for you.” My dad was the same. He remarried a gold digger who convinced him to quit paying child support for me when I was a teenager, because “her mother can support her, you’ve done enough.” He was happy to agree. My mother worked a minimum wage job and barely had money for food.

I didn’t date until I was in my late twenties. I missed everything, all the fun stuff other people did. Just endless worry and coming straight home from work to cook and clean, starting in my teens. Now I’m old and I missed everything.

I took care of them both when they were old and sick, and now no one’s going to do the same for me. I’m screwed.

E178 - seems like its the story for a lot of gay men. Manipulated by mother into caring for them - and we are left with nothing. Sometimes I feel like saying screw you, but guilt overwhelms. Not sure if it’s that I believe in being kind - which I do - or I’m just a sucker who has been manipulated.

R179, you have my sympathy. Nobody knows how hard it is unless you’ve done it, and people look down on you if your life is dedicated to helping others.

A couple of years ago, I did some volunteer work. They had a big dinner for the first meeting. They went around the table and asked everyone about themselves. It was charity work, so a lot of them were fraus.

They went around the table. They were all the same - married, kids, traveled with their husbands, went to college and had fun, had a career. They all described very full, happy lives. By the time they got to me, my heart sank. I had nothing to tell. I tried to whitewash my situation of being a caregiver to sound as cheerful and content as I could.

People started to look uncomfortable as hell. I was shunned for the rest of the dinner. People literally talked to people on the right and left of me for the rest of the night, as if I wasn’t there. And this was after just a couple of sentences.

I did end up doing volunteer work there, but I’m sorry now. The people I worked for were very condescending and patronizing around me and it was miserable.

That’s not the first time someone reacted like that either. I knew somebody for a couple of years, thought we were friends. We got to talking about our upbringings and I mentioned that I had taken care of my mom since I was a teenager. That person literally accused me of lying and trying to make them feel sorry for me. At the time, I was younger and just thought I was telling what happened. I didn’t have some happy story of carefree fun to tell. At all. There was just nothing like that. I would have had to make something up and I’m a bad liar.

I don’t know what the hell they thought. I spoke to them one more time, and they were so rude and dismissive it was obvious they never wanted to speak to me again, so I quit calling. I don’t tell people about myself any more if I can possibly help it.

People seem to think being a caregiver is a form of mental illness.

[quote]Nobody knows how hard it is unless you’ve done it, and people look down on you if your life is dedicated to helping others.

Yep.

I get two reactions when people find out I live with my mother--you're such a good son and you still live with your mother? One reaction makes me out to be a child taking care of mommy and the other makes me out to be a loser who never grew up. That's why I pretty much avoid people now.

[quote]People seem to think being a caregiver is a form of mental illness.

Sometimes I think we touch a nerve with them and expose the guilt they may be feeling. I'm sure when everyone reaches a certain age there's someone in their life who needs their help. Maybe they're not giving them help and we simply are a reminder of their disregard.

OP, you say your mother still has her faculties and is not infirm. This being the case, she might live a very long time and, if you don't happen to make a new happy life in your old town, you might end up feeling you've sacrificed your best years for her, but by then she'll be so infirm you really are stuck.

I'd suggest telling her you are moving back for a few months, on the pretext of giving her some extra TLC, and also helping her get the house in good order - for her own comfort, and in case her health declines and she needs to leave it suddenly. In that time you will see how she's going in terms of health, mobility and connectedness. If any of them are a lot worse than you thought, you can gradually get her used to the idea of selling the house and moving near you. If she wants you to, you can take over all her admin and start doing it online, which means you can retain that responsibility even if you move home and she doesn't. Bring the maintenance of the house up to par, go through each room with her and chuck out or donate anything she is happy to see go, make sure all her paperwork is in order, etc: nothing that will prevent her living on there in comfort if she chooses. Get her to tell you the history of items she really loves: this can help you later to direct them to people who might also love them (eg the cousin whose late mother gave her that lamp). All this will take weeks, if not months. Mention regularly that you will be moving back home when done.

You might be surprised and a new and lovely life might open up for you in your old town, with and also beyond your mother. If not, her options are: to stay at home if that's feasible; to move to a care facility in her town (you will have scouted out some good ones); or to move to a care facility or an apartment she can manage more easily in your own town, close to where you live. I don't believe she has the right to insist on staying in the family home despite all the other options you can offer, if she can only achieve that by means of you giving up the life you really want to live for years on end. Old people always say it would kill them to leave their home, but in 99% of cases the reverse is true: when put somewhere brighter, more manageable and close to interesting action they take on a new lease of life. (This is especially true if their main family and friends around home have already died or moved.)

One thing I do strongly advise you to do while you're staying with her, is record her talking about her life, your father's, and the family history going back as far as she can remember. It's a wonderful keepsake when they're gone, and it's a fascinating conversation (or set of conversations) to have.

I did it and happy I spent the last months of their lives with them.

R181 hit the nail on the head. I gave up trying to meet someone because every single time I mentioned I lived with my mother it was crickets. The why,wherefore and how didnt seem to alter the opinion I was some kind of loser so I gave up bothering to explain. Never mind I have more money than they did and our home is gorgeous and long paid for.Oh well,I had 2 loves die on me and dated more than my share of men,so if this is how its meant to end,so be it.I would have liked to have someone though.

My mom developed Alzheimers. I was her sole caregiver for 10 years, but I love my mom dearly, My sister's attitude was "What's the point of coming to visit, she won't remember anyway." That used to crush me, because I was the one who needed someone to visit. I was in such a depression, watching my mom's mind slip away, trapped in that house with the ghosts of my past, feeling like it would never end. It was 10 years before she passed. My life is now a barren wasteland. I have no friends, here, in my old hometown. I just go to the market and come back home. I'm finally free of the disease, and yet I'm still stuck in the old routine. It's pathetic.

If you can afford it, get your loved ones in a Board and Care (private home with 6 beds and 2 or 3 caregivers) They get better care, and it is 40 percent less than the cost of a nursing home.

Great opinions here. Seems the consensus is it tends to ruin your life. Even if you like your mother. I’m in early years of having moved home part time on weekends. She is still fully capable and functioning - but wants to spend every day every weekend with me. It’s already become a huge burden - and she is still “independent” and living in her home at 85. After 3 years I feel like I’m slowly losing my only free time - weekends - to her. I know she is lonely - but I love my free time and like to be alone.

She has been badgering me to move in with me for years. I’ve avoided. Now i realZe I should never let that happen - but it means telling her She has to go to an old age home which she has been saying she doesn’t want to do - since I was 10 year s old! Horrible situation - and I find I’m beginning to hate her. But I fear regret upon her death. But I also fear I will die before her - like the aforementioned Eddie - and she will have ruined what little life I have left.

[quote] I know she is lonely - but I love my free time and like to be alone.

I can empathize. Extrovert parents with introvert children is a set-up for a lifetime of hell and ill feelings on both sides.

r186 It costs less to hire a live-in help (or use an agency) They clean, cook, and take people to doctor appointments etc. If you can afford it, you can keep her in her home as long as possible before going to assisted living. But I would do Board and Care over assisted living.

R185 I have a relative with Angelman syndrome who lived in a nice board and care/group home run by a Filipino family. They provided excellent care.

R174 Thank you. I feel like I could have written that-- except for the fact I don't love my 89 year old mother. I do what I do (monitor her health care, finances, and living set-up) from 1000 mi away. This year I've made 3 trips to check in. Every time I returned, I suffered a week or so of readjustment and depression. I care for her because it's my duty as eldest. My sister has a thriving business, and I'm somewhat retired. I wish my mother were visibly evil, so people understood. She's a clever narcissist and even now as she may be moving into dementia, her tactics are self-serving and time-consuming for me. ( ie. "The man at Verizon said I would save money, so I did what he said." After I had explained that her cellphone was fine, not expensive, and best left alone. Then once it was changed, I told her to leave it alone again. She went back to Verizon and told the salesman I said she had to change it back. ) This is just a minor occurence, but you get the picture. It's not going to get any easier. As wise people say, "I never asked to be born." This is true. Parents who mistreat their children are lucky to get any care at all. My mother knows I do it out of duty, not love. And that's why she does everything she can, even in dementia, to make it harder.

I know when my mother dies I won't know what to do with myself.

I've spent so many years taking care of people waiting for the day I'd be "free" but I know that when she's gone I'm going to sit here staring at the walls wondering what to do with myself.

r191 you’re going to call me up and we’re going to take the vacation neither of us has had in years, soul sistah.

I'll take you up on that R192. In 47 years I've never more than two hours away from home. My nieces have traveled more in their short lives that I have in my entire life.

What region r u from R193

I did it 5 years ago. I moved from florida to the midwest. It started out with me taking a hit financially by selling my house in a down market and losing some money in florida. I was already retired so a job wasnt a factor/

From prior visits in florida, I could tell my mom had early early stages dementia. For the first few years after I moved home I didnt have to do too much. My mom was in 77. When I first really felt needed and I knew I made the right choice was when we traded my moms car in for a new one. I negotiated a hell of a bargain on both the new car and the one we traded in. My mom would have paid full price had I not been in the picture. Sounds minor but it was a real boost for me as to feeling needed.

My moms older sister is now 100 and I have been helping her out for the last 5 years as well. SHe is in a retirement home but in the independent living units and receives no outside help except every other week maid and one daily meal. SHe should have long ago moved into the nursing wing but my mom is in charge of that scenerio and hates the care the people get in the nursing home wing, so we do it ourselves.

The stress is probably moving my moms dementia at a slightly faster pace, but she is still functioning more or less ok. Strangers would never know she had a problem. Mom s logic and reasoning is realy skewed and she is of course very forgetful but still muddles thru with a very full plate.

To conclude the helping out is a long long process and I often look back and think I didnt need to do it as soon as I did.

FInally, the gay scene in the mid size city I now live is really different than every other place Ive lived. THe guys my age mostly never left the midwest. They tended to come out later in life, maybe to have been married and have kids, have religious issues, etc etc. Its a hard fit for me but you do what you have to do. My experience.

R194 Close to Toronto.

As for your siblings. You don't ask for help. You make a plan for they will do - dates when you will take off a week for breaks during the year - and they will come and take care of her. Also, how much they need to pay financially to help her pay her bills. No negotiations, no pleading. Just make the plan, send it. Name your plan:

Here's what you will do. Make list. Here's what I will do. Make two lists.

See how the react. If they don't agree -Threaten to take it to social media and rat them out to family and co-workers. (Check out their Facebook, etc.) If they don't agree and comply start leaving hints. They will soon be responding and acting.

R197 You’re an optimist. If they were caring, sharing, normal people you would’ve have to be making lists - they’d have already done or be discussing what their share of what needs to be done will be.

I know. You can’t shame people who’re shameless. In my case, three siblings. It’s that or Ma’s sitting in shit. I wasn’t going to let that happen. My siblings didn’t care.

R198, I had a similar experience with an elderly relative. The kids just absolutely refused to help in any way. Refused to even call her doctor and express concern or leave a phone number. Nothing.

The problem is, from her point of view, they can do no wrong. End result is the whole family has cut me off.

Yes, I've done it, or tried, but I don't get along with my mother, there are fundamental conflicts of character there, and after a year my blood pressure was through the roof and I was totally miserable. Thank heavens my father made a lot of money and left her with enough to pay a lady she likes a lot to help her out. I want to help my mom, but I'm not willing to risk a stroke to do it.

As an only child, I am so envious of people who have siblings to help out (or hell, siblings who even don't help out!), but then I remember I'm the "sole heir" (to nothing much, but still) and realize I don't have to deal with fights about inheritance. I couldn't imagine having some lazy sibling who didn't lift a finger to help demanding half the estate!

Don't be envious. Because there are plenty of us who have siblings who do nothing. I have one. Stopped by once every couple of months for an hour. Took Ma out to lunch on the Saturday before her birthday. Once took her to a kids' soccer game. This is over a seven year period. They actually felt like they did something. Meanwhile when she soiled herself, then climbed in bed and hid under the sheets because she was so ashamed, I cleaned it up. I cooked the meals and ate with her, I took her to the doctor.I arranged for someone to come over during the day when I was at work. I ran to the ER with her.

You can always relocate your elder parent to a care facility near you that accepts medicaid and handle it that way. Frankly I am pleased I live in a state that allows assisted suicide for terminal people. I will definitely do it rather than having chemo etc.

I moved my mom cross-country to be closer to me - but it was her idea. Now I know all of my visits were a 'show' - she's actually much worse than I thought.

She doesn't know her way around yet and is extremely forgetful, so I've postponed getting her a car - which has been a source of constant complaint. She got lost going 30 feet outside to the mailbox!

Oh - and no cell phone. She refuses. So if I do get her a car and she gets lost....?? I'm glad she's in warmer weather and getting her bearings, but she hides so much stuff from me, it is hard to judge what her state is.

It ain't easy folks.

R204 , don't get your Mom a car. It's dangerous for her and others on the road. You could have her doctor discuss that with her.

R204 , I'm sorry to hear about your Mom & your struggles, didn't mean to just be a scold.

Don’t get her a car, R204. My mom went out and bought herself a car after wrecking her last one. Immediately had a crash with it and totaled the car. Luckily the people in the other car were okay. They had a kid.

You can anonymously report to the DMV that someone is unfit to drive. I’d get her a DMV state ID (not a drivers license) and tell her you want to drive for her. I’m so sorry for you, I went through this and it’s an awful burden, but it’s either that or a nursing home. Assisted living will not take a person with dementia. There are some facilities that will take the person and upgrade the care as they decline, but she may be too far along for that. There are companies that will try to find care appropriate for your mom, you can try that. Maybe you can get a house cleaner or home health care nurse or somebody to stop in on her. You need to plan ahead, otherwise, one day you will find yourself in an emergency situation with no backup.

One day my mom fell down and couldn’t get up. Luckily someone stopped by and found her the next day. She had gotten to the point where she couldn’t remember how to unlock the door, and I kept having to undo the screen and climb in the window. She ended up in the hospital and never recovered, but if she had, they said she couldn’t go home alone. That would have been a mess because she was a hoarder and her house was unlivable for other people.

I'm just trying to earn and save as much money for when the time comes. Then at least I, and they, will have options. In-home care seems like a plan.

R208, what I was able to do with limited funds was to arrange for as many separate people as possible to visit her during the day. The county had a home health care nurse that visited a couple times a week. I had Meals On Wheels stop by. A couple of other family members visited once in a while, but very begrudgingly and didn’t do much. If you can do that and maybe get a cleaning lady to stop by, that might hold you for a while. You’re basically trying to make sure she doesn’t decide she’s lonely or bored and take off somewhere.

ADT also offers a panic button the person can wear around their neck. It only works if they’re inside the house, but if they fall it could be a lifesaver. Other companies have a panic button that works if they’re outside, which you might want if she starts to wander, which is common with dementia patients. They tend to get very active and stay up all night. If she can remember to press the button if she gets lost, that could prevent a tragedy.

ADT also offers cameras that can be placed inside the house, and pointing out from the house, like near the driveway. You can check on her from work from multiple camera angles. They also have electronic door locks you can lock and unlock from home, to let in helpers and make sure she is locked in while you’re away. That’s a cheap and easy way to do some more monitoring.

There’s a setting for the alarm if you’re all out of the house, and another for if you’re in the house and not leaving. The alarm will go off if someone tries to enter or leave and they’ll call you. If it’s not an emergency, you can shut it off from work with a password. I prefer a company monitoring the alarms. For one thing, dementia patients can get paranoid and decide somebody is out to get them or stalking them, where none exists. You need to monitor the phone bill carefully to make sure she’s not harassing people or running up huge bills. I wouldn’t get Alexa or something that orders for her without your knowledge, but that’s just me.

Another thing is she may hallucinate that you’re beating her or trying to kill her. An outside company monitoring video, even for a short time, can protect you. A woman once told me a family member with dementia hallucinated she was being beaten and raped while they were right in the room. No one was touching her. She kept begging for help and they “wouldn’t help her.” Stuff like this is much more common than you realize. Extreme paranoia can be a feature of dementia and it’s often directed at caretakers, while the patient trusts random strangers, meth addicts, homeless people or other high risk people.

Another thing you might be able to do is, give family members who don’t want to help the security password, and tell them to remotely find mom on the camera at 10am and 2pm for example, or on their lunch hour. That way you’re not 100% responsible for her 24/7, which is emotionally exhausting. They can check on her without going there or talking to her. For people that don’t want to get involved, they might be willing to do that. If they can’t find her on camera, or if she’s fallen, they can tell you, which is better than nothing.

"You can always relocate your elder parent to a care facility near you that accepts medicaid"

No, R203, sadly you most certainly can not always do so. You first have to find a place that has beds available for Medicaid patients. These are very hard to come by in most locales because demand far exceeds supply and many of the facilities that accept Medicaid patients are hardly the best - the reimbursement rates are low, hence staffing is often poor, the quality of care bad, and the staff not exceptionally motivated to care for any of their patients, let alone those patients bringing in the least amount of revenue.

You then have to spend down (i.e. impoverish) the patient's assets so that their resources total no more than $3000 in liquid assets (cash or cash equivelants); a house, which can be taken by the state and sold to offset the state's costs at the time if 1: it hasn't been in a trust, shielding it from Medicaid for at least five years prior to application for the Medicaid benefits or if it is the primary residence of a dependent family member; and 2: can be taken by the state and sold after the patient's death, again to offset the monies spent by Medicare on behalf of the patient; personal goods like furniture and clothing, and an automobile. The patient, in most states, is allowed only a small monthly allowance of about $75 for personal items, the rest of their monthly benefits like Social Security or pension income going to the state, again to offset the cost of the nursing home care that's paid by Medicaid. The application of these policies and dollar amounts varies from state to state, but they are for the most part universal. In many states, it's advisable to first put the patient's home in a trust, assuming there's time (five years from the creation and recording of the trust to the date of the Medicaid application) to do so, which requiress payment of an attorney's fee, as well as paying an elder-law attorney to navigate the state's requirements in return for expediting Medicaid acceptance and placement by completing the asset accounting and filling out and filing the forms correctly, again often costing a considerable amount for the lawyer as well.

You should be able to place an elderly parent in an appropriate setting when they need the care but it's very, very rare that you can. Medicaid doesn't make it easy.

Some churches have what amounts to Senior day care. See if you can arrange with a driver to pick her up and take her to church so she can meet people and have social interaction. The worst thing is isolation. They deteriorate faster. They need to interact with others.

The problem with my mother is that unless it's family, she doesn't like to associate with anyone. Part of it is anxiety and social phobia and the other part is just not knowing how to interact with other people.

We grew up sheltered and cut off from the world because of our drunk abusive father. My siblings were able to get over it, but some days I still feel like it's 1976 and my mother and I are locked up in the house afraid to venture outside.

“some days I still feel like it's 1976 and my mother and I are locked up in the house afraid to venture outside.”

R213, I get that as well. It’s such a sadness. Do you think you have ptsd? I was locked up with a grandparent. It affected the rest of my life. Ptsd and lifelong depression.

I don't know about PTSD R214 but it did effect me in that I have no social graces, really don't know how to be comfortable in my own skin around other people and small talk is difficult. Everyone tells me I'm a great listener. That's because I never know what to say so I just keep my mouth shut.

the way my spouse has been acting lately, the option to move back home to take care of mom doesn't sound all that bad

my mother was also reluctant to meet new people. But she got used to it. The key is consistency. The first few times she goes to the Senior Center she'll hate it and won't participate. This might go on for a two or three weeks. But even if she sits in a corner watching everyone else, it will be good for her. And eventually she will find a kindred spirit and start to interact. It's not unusual for older adults to have difficulty making new friends, but they do come around.

My mother sat in her Assisted Living apartment for nearly 6 months. Then one day when I couldn't reach her, I called the office and they told me she was at the Tuesday Sing A Long...I told them they were mistaken, but the sly old girl was there! She was painting a different picture for me to make me feel guilty, but she had been attending them regularly. She just enjoyed complaining.

On Sunday I had nothing to do and was bored. I wanted to go out to a local antique fair and asked my mother if she wanted to go with me. She said no, but that I was free to go and she'd just stay home by herself. She knew full well I wouldn't leave her alone. We spent the day sitting in front of the TV watching those Goddamned Hallmark movies. It's days like that I feel really bitter about my life.

Y'all. You have to use "psychology" to deal with aging parents. Especially since they love to manipulate if they can get away with it. Look. I know they are anxious and fearful. They know their bodies are not the way they used to be. Their minds not so sharp. They know they're running out of runway.

They become dependent and they don't like it. So they exercise power any way they can. There has to be a role reversal. They are no longer in charge. You are. You love them, respect them, etc. but they are no longer in charge. They also know they have lost that power. So saying"No" is just about all they have left.

Next time Ma refuses to go with you, tell her "OK. I'll see you in a little while." then leave. And tell her she has the right to do exactly what she wants and if she feels like watching fucking Hallmark movies she should.... LOL! Look I don't care if you go sit in a library for two hours. Or go to a movie. Or take a walk around the neighborhood. Go to the mall or antiquing, or WTF you feel like doing. But DO IT.

[quote] You should be able to place an elderly parent in an appropriate setting when they need the care but it's very, very rare that you can.

Baloney! All you have to do is park the old biddy’s wheelchair right outside the emergency room entrance, then run like the dickens!

[quote] I wanted to go out to a local antique fair and asked my mother if she wanted to go with me. She said no, but that I was free to go and she'd just stay home by herself. She knew full well I wouldn't leave her alone. We spent the day sitting in front of the TV watching those Goddamned Hallmark movies. It's days like that I feel really bitter about my life.

R218 , you really could have gone to that antique fair. There was really nothing holding you back except a dysfunctional pattern of behavior involving both you and your mother. There is still time for you to enjoy life.

My mother is in her early 80s, has a slow-growing cancer and is trying to hold it all together in a distant hick town. My sister lives a 1,000 mi. away, my dad is dead. Neither of us can go live near her. And she doesn't want to move away from familiar things.

It's a mess. An accident waiting to happen.

R218, find a group. Maybe a book club, or a board games club, (Scrabble, etc.) or a chess club, or a card club or some damned thing. Something that allows you to get out with people two or three times a month. So that Mumsy knows that every Weds. night, or every Friday or WTF ever, you will be going to your activities. Block out three or four hours of Me Time. It's very important.

R219 speaks truth. My lesson has been reversing age old patterns of manipulation which have gotten worse, it’s a constant struggle to not let myself be guilted by her. I guess it like being a parent - even though I never wanted kids. It’s taught me to say no and create boundaries for myself. Though she is CONSTANTLY pushing Buttons and boundaries. I had to go back to therapy to process the endless barrage of anger and bitterness that she stirs up. I’ve gotten to a point that I’m ok if she dies. I would leave - if it didn’t end up dumping her on my sister. At least we share the burden.

What is it with eldergays and their mothers? My mother was a constant critic and awful homophobe and is never going to be my problem due to her past begavior. She decided to go back to the small town where my sister and I were raised thinking one of us would leave established lives and careers in larger cities. Sis played the "I have a family" card and I said no way in Hell would I live in a small town again. Now she's in an assisted living facility she selected and at $5500/month will soon have spent every nickel of hers and my father's as well as my grandmother's estate. There will be hell to pay when she has to go to the Medicaid section of that place. She's not my problem and one visit per year at Xmas is sufficient for my mental health. Live your own life OP, you only get one!

Can someone explain to me what it is about elderly people refusing to nap?

I'll watch my mother almost fall out of her chair she's so sleepy, but she will not lay down for a nap.

I've talked to other people who take care of elderly parents and they say the same thing.

It really is like taking care of children.

Older people are embarrassed to admit that they need a nap. They feel like they are lacking vitality by needing a nap.

My uncle R227.

I wish I could nap. Some days I want to lay down and nap and I just can't fall asleep.

MY mother couldn't help it. It was as if she was drugged. She'd just nod off for a few minutes then wake up and act startled that she'd fell asleep. Our doctor said that sometimes that's an indication of them getting those tiny strokes. TIAs I think they're called. I know Ma sleeps poorly. She gets up at lleast two times during the night and sometimes she'll be wide awake around 4:30 and won't be able to get back to sleep.

Why should you move home? What’s the worst that could happen? She could fall, I guess, but won’t a neighbor come along sooner or later?

R229, has she been checked for sleep apnea?

My dad went in to be tested for that. It turned out he was stopping breathing constantly all night, then was exhausted all day. Same thing, constantly dropping off. That’s what cpap machines are for. It stops that, so the person can sleep at night. Very common in older, more often overweight individuals. It’s so common nowadays, she really should be checked for it.

My mom spent $200,000 keeping my dad in an assisted care facility for two years before he died there. Now I think she' s a year or so away from going there herself.

It's expensive and I think she'd like it there (activities, social interaction, etc.). And it's her money. But I was kinda hoping there'd be a little something-something for my sister and I to inherit when she died.

They never gave us anything (the proverbial "18 and you're out"). And it looks like they never will.

My in-laws were being threatened by social workers. I got a lawyer and he had a temp guardian. He said it was “just at first” as soon as she hit them in the assisted living housing, there was suddenly no calls allowed. She’s moved their stock and cash accounts to a Different bank.... these cunts are out for themselves even if you are pro-active. I’m going to try and get the guardianship away from the pro guardian, but I feel these creeps from Florida are just exploiting us. I’m not seen as family because my husband, their son is dead.

I feel suicidal that the only family Ive ever known are being destroyed.

Not hit, *put

My grandparents were not manipulative. They aged and then died. Quietly. Like old people. My mother and stepfather are stubborn and uncompromising. They drive when they shouldn't. They defy any help, even when they can't do things. Is this something we can blame on our society? Don't grow old?!? Act young! You're only as young as you feel?! NOBODY doesn't need some help as they age. My mother is like a 3-year old. Won't nap. Won't use a cane or walker but stumbles around like a drunk gnome. Drinks silly sweet protein drinks for meals. I've tried to help in subtle ways. I've been kind and generous with my time. Now they're on their own.

My bf's mother is in her 90s and lives alone. She refuses to let someone in to help her other than the cleaning lady every other week. She doesn't drive anymore and she only has one friend left, so she is increasingly isolated. The town she lives in has a lot of senior programs and even has a bus that will shuttle her to activities and grocery shopping but she refuses to participate because everything starts early in the morning and she's not up and dressed until close to noon. She wakes up early, at like 4:30, dozes on and off until about 8 am, gets up and fixes coffee and then goes back to bed until around 10. I wish he could talk her into going into an assisted living facility just for the socialization but she won't leave her house and garden, even though both are going to shit. He visits her every weekend, we take her out as much as we can, and it really is like having a toddler. BF also has to schedule all of her doctor, dentist and hair appointments and take time off work to take her. So far it's manageable but it's going to get worse before it gets better.

Sounds like many of you have it great. Mother who don’t demand or require full time care by you. They have money and desire for independence. You don’t realize how lucky you are.

I have to pay every penny for my mother. Thank God for Medicare at least. But anyone who has parents who have money have it easy. And don’t even get me started on you “what about my inheritance” brats. At least you are not paying to care for them.

R237 is a scold.

My mother has been a lot better lately, and I think it's because the doctor changed her mediation and she's feeling better. She still has some depression but we've manged to work through it.

I still feel bitter and angry some days and I realize it's because we're so dependent on each other. I also worry about my future because I have no savings, no pension plan and no idea what will happen to me in my old age.

R238 ..and a martyr

R236, if she's in her 90's you and your BF aren't going to be dealing with it for much longer. That's just reality. Right now she needs someone to come into her home, take her to appointments, do her shopping, or take her shopping, and honestly, she needs someone who can help her with toileting, bathing, dressing.

If she is uncooperative you're going to have to ignore her and just do it. Start out by finding a care worker. Someone who is not going to be abusive or steal, who is reliable. Go through an agency. Interview them. Get references. Start by having the Care worker accompany you when you take mother to dinner or an outing. The idea is for Mom to meet her through the two of you. That's how you do it.

Then you meet the care worker at her house, and wait there while the person helps out. Do that a couple times, then leave the care worker with Mom. Point is you have to ease Mom into it, but do it. This is not long term with someone in their 90's. But things will go down hill very rapidly and cascading events will really be difficult to cope with if you don't have someone to help.

I have to agree with R241.

My mom was very resistant to strangers in the house, but she was completely incapable of caring for herself. Instead, she had a skeevy neighbor do errands for her. This neighbor found out my mom had large amounts of cash in the house, and stole thousands of dollars from her. Meanwhile, my mom became a hoarder and lived in complete squalor, while she refused to have anyone clean but her children. We didn’t have a lot of time, and every time we went the house just got worse. That was totally unnecessary and caused a lot of preventable suffering and falling injuries, because she couldn’t get the floor clear. And we went through hell, essentially trying to declutter a hoard every week. When she finally went to the hospital, it took a month straight to clean out the hoard. We couldn’t have possibly got a grip on that cleaning a few hours a week. You can’t allow the level of cleanliness deteriorate to the point that virtually anything is acceptable, as the senior adjusts to living in filth and thinks of it as the new normal.

This is what you’re trying to prevent - permanent damage to the house, resulting in expensive repairs before you can sell or rent it, as well as your mother breaking a hip due to falling on clutter, or getting food poisoning because there’s spoiled food and she’s eating it anyway.

I get the martyr's point. But I worry my stubborn mother will cause a 6-car pileup on the interstate and kill a family of six. Independence at 90 is a non sequitur You just can't be. If you don't realize that, you're stupid. It's the willingness to screw everybody but yourself. A friend's father was like that. When he died, they learned he had a second mortgage on the family home, he had had two pensions (the kids only knew about one), and left behind credit card statements full of purchases and yet none of the stuff could be found. A mistress? A 2nd family? Meanwhile, the kids had been taking care of his home ( new roof, paint etc) and him. It was like finding a secret life. That dad played them all like chumps. Money or not, parents who carelessly age with no thought to it are cruel to their children.

My sister's MIL was a regular church goer and everyone at her church knew she was a soft touch. Anything they had to sell, any MLM scam they were part of, every shady charity that needed donations, they knew the MIL was good for it.

When my BIL finally got a power of attourney on his mother, he found out her will had been changed, by the church lawyer, to leave the church everything.

Even at her funeral the pastor came around saying that she had promised them $25,000 on her death and he fully expected a cheque.

Look. The important thing a lot of us need to recognize is that there is a role reversal. YOU have to parent your parent. So they will be reluctant to change. They will insist on the familiar. THey will refuse to accept changes in their bodies and cling to an independence they are no longer capable of managing. It can be exhausting trying to reason with them. So don't. They will say "No!" because it is the only power they have left. And you should acknowledge that. You should say, "I know you don't want to. I understand." Then go ahead and do what you need to do.

I'm lucky in that my mother doesn't mind being taken care of, even though she feels guilt about it. I just wish my siblings would occasionally help more. Or even fucking visit once in a while.

Wanted to add that sometimes you ought to be a little bit dishonest, and tell they to "try" something just for a little while. We had to do that with my mother and she was ess resistant when she believed it was temporary. The hospital social worker told us she had to go into care, could no longer be on her own because she'd fallen four times in one month and was hospitalized three times.

So we found her a good nursing home which also had temporary residents recovering from surgery, or people in rehab. We told her she was going to rehab and as soon as she could walk on her own again we'd take her home. Even using a walker it was impossible. She was walking into walls, getting disoriented, unable to follow simple instructions, etc. She'd had a stroke. She was 92.

She never did leave the nursing home. it was very sad for me. I felt terrible. But she became accepting and confined her attention to what they might serve for dinner on any given day. We'd gossip about the staff, and she'd tell who didn't like who. And she monitored the ambulances that frequently came at night. "Well, they hauled another one out last night. They're going fast around here!" As if she were handicapping a race. She only lasted another year.

I don't have children and am not particularly regretful. My brother also is childless so there aren't any nephews or nieces. I wonder who will take care of me when I'm doddering into old age. I don't mean having someone to live with and take care of me 24/7, but to check in on my finances, health, etc. I do it for my mom even though I l live 3000 miles away. Just yesterday, I was on the phone with LA County social services dealing with her Medicaid renewal. We don't talk everyday but have a daily check in messaging routine so I know she's okay for another day. From afar, I take care of everything ranging from reserving a car pickup to providing tech support for her phone. I pay her cable bill and my brother pays her phone bills.

I manage my own finances and taxes but hopefully there's something I can set up that will protect me from being scammed. At that point, I won't be worried about wealth growth and will only need something that preserves capital. Have funds automatically pay for board, healthcare and some pocket money. Otherwise, I don't touch my fund and that will prevent any fiscal shenanigans.

Well, as someone who took care of old and very sick parents, start planning your future ASAP. I learned that most people can live a looong time being disabled/ill/impaired/ before they die. ..

R245 Thank you! Best advice on this thread. R248 You're smart to look forward. There must be ways.

Looking for advice from you all! I'm moving away (about 4.5 hours) from my current city for a job opportunity, it's only for 1-year... thank god. Anyway, my elderly mom lives in my current city and I do a lot of stuff for her, groceries, taking her to medical appointments, etc. What should I be considering now that I'll be moving away? A snow removal service has already been arranged, I've looked into grocery delivery services, I'm considering hiring a cleaner to come in every two weeks to clean the kitchen/bathrooms... not sure what else I should be looking into.

The tough thing is that we don't have any family in the area to lean on for support. I have some close friends who might be able to help if there's a TRUE emergency, and I'll let her neighbours know to let me know if they notice something funny, but other than that... Not sure what I should do? I'm afraid to move away from her for so long, but it's only a year... she doesn't have any BIG medical issues aside from high blood pressure. She's 74 and my dad did pretty much EVERYTHING for her before she died, so she's really unwilling to be independent and do stuff herself... ugh. It's annoying.

R251 -- FINANCES. her bank account and all bills. Set up autopay for the bills and make sure you are co-signer so you can check in regularly and make sure she hasn't given it all away. Take away her checkbook. Get her a debit card. (this is according to my mother's banker; debit card safer.) Sounds like you have other bases covered.

R251 (me again 252) also set up health portal for your mother, if her doctor(s) have it. This way you can read doctor's files, if she visits. Or you can email doctor directly if you have concerns-- or if she has concerns and wants your help. This is been a godsend for me with my mother's cardiologist. He knows me from my visits with her and never asked me for POA. Since I live 1000 mi away I can email him my concerns or questions.

I don’t believe children should have to care for their parents. Take her to a nursing home and leave her there. If they say they can’t take her, just leave her in her wheelchair and run! What are they going to do? Chase after you? They can’t make you take care of her.

R251 I moved away from my hometown last year . I'm 62 and my mother , who still lives in my childhood home is 95.Most of the bases are covered and I have flexibility to go back there and spend as much time as needed should the situation arise, but I still wanted to go ahead with my own "retirement"

R252 I forgot to even mention finances, that's been taken care of. All her bills are autopaid. I know this is probably unethical, but I usually keep her debit card with me so I can just buy her groceries, etc. easily. Due to her past (which I won't get into), I'm kind of afraid to give her any cash, but for safety purposes I should probably leave her some, shouldn't I?

Oh boy, this sounds ridiculous BUT I'm afraid to give her much, because she used to have my dad cash her ENTIRE pension check each month and she frittered it away as she wished on stupid shit every month. It's debatable if she was an alcoholic, but she used to spend a ridiculous amount of time at the local bar (!!!!!!). I'm sure she spent a pretty penny there. I know this is pretty controlling of me, but I'm kind of afraid to give her cash because of that! Of course, I could only give her a couple hundred, right?

R255 I should be able to visit her every few weeks, to check on her. I'm also moving to a smaller town, so I'll have to come back to the big city to have fun, I'm sure.

What I'm really worried about is what to do if an emergency would arise? Her health has been relatively "good," but she had a weird medical emergency last spring (had to go to the emergency room and everything). Further testing revealed that it must have been a freak occurrence (old people's bodies are weird) and nothing is "wrong" with her, which was a relief. I'm not sure how that situation would have been dealt with had I not been living in the same city. Who would have driven her home from the hospital?!? Eeek! I guess she would have called a cab, but it worries me. She's a really difficult person and has alienated so many people and now she has no close friends! Again, I will touch base with her neighbors, before I move. I know I have one good friend who'd be able to help out if they were in town.

She should seriously be in assisted living, but won't hear of it. If only it were that easy R254!!

R251: My friend yesterday showed me a camera app she bought for $25 to make sure her cats behave when she and her husband aren't home. She can check in on any given room and yell at them to behave if necessary. She said it was the best $25 she ever spent. She took a long anniversary weekend with her husband a few weeks ago, three or four states away, and had zero problems. I would recommend that though not sure how you'd handle multiple rooms. When I was a caretaker primarily from 2000 to 2012, both parents, I would have loved something like that. The "I've fallen and I can't get up" necklaces were at that time $32 a month and they only worked if my mother wore one (she frequently removed it when I would go to the grocery store), AND there was no camera for me. Technology has advanced to that point. Good luck.

Don't those Ring home security systems have cameras in the house so you can check on things remotely?

R255, don’t worry about it. At the very least, I’m sure one of the neighbors will alert the authorities if they notice a smell coming from the house. If you insist on being concerned, maybe see if a neighbor can check on her once a week or something.

[quote]The "I've fallen and I can't get up" necklaces were at that time $32 a month and they only worked if my mother wore one (she frequently removed it when I would go to the grocery store)

Then let the bitch fall on her ass and lay there for a couple of hours. I bet she wouldn’t have taken it off again.

Did your elderly parents care for their own parents when they got old and infirm? I bet not. My Mom wasn't speaking to her mom (my mom was a narcissist) and let her siblings care for her at the end. My Mom got brain cancer, and I tried to help care for her along with my elderly dad (sister wasn't speaking to my mom). But I have a severely autistic teenage son and lived 100 miles away. We researched and found in home care for my mom, but she didn't like it or want to pay for it. She had 100,000.00 in savings and a million dollar home but didn't want to pay for anything. And she bragged that she wasn't leaving anything to anyone in her will. We tried to help, and visited every week, and I finally got her to pay her care givers. When she passed away, my 84 year old dad, who was divorced from her, remained in her home. There is no known will, and it was quite easy for him to just stay there. We visited as much as we could and brought groceries and took him out to lunch. I even offered to pay for a maid. Well he needed hip replacement and can't take care of himself. Luckily my sister took him to her home because he always favored her and helped buy her a house, while he did nothing for me when he divorced my mom. But when his own mom was sick with colon cancer, he put her in a convalesce home where she lost the will to live, and took over her house with my Uncle. Neither of my parents helped their own parents when they were old and dying. But my sister and I try/tried to help them. I'm glad it is my sister's turn to step up because she did nothing for my mom, or even my dad who went through stress during my mom's cancer (she is a narcist too). My Mom's body had to rot in a refrigerator after she passed because my sister was an heir that would not contact the funeral home. They had to keep her body a number of days just in case she wanted to view it, or something like that. I see some people looked down on the poster who suggested hiring someone to care for aging parents. I don't see anything wrong with that. He isn't leaving them out in the cold. But each of you has a right to enjoy your own life. And think what your parents did for their own aging parents. It probably isn't as much as what you will do for them.

Any success stories of people who spent years taking care of family being able to get on with their lives after the family member's death?

Everyone I know who were caregivers are not in good places in their lives after the person died.

I did. My partner and I were relatively young (mid-40’s) when my Mom died, ten years after my Dad. We still had two decades to work, weren’t exhausted, and it was before having to deal with any serous medical issues ourselves. We already had a house, inherited hers, and sold both to buy the one we live in now when house prices were one-fifth of what they are today. And then spent two decades on our careers and seeing the world when it was much nicer, a lot cheaper, and way less crowded.

Seeing how my partner supported me through it all and subsequently how he cared for his own parents in their terminal phase just reinforced what I thought when I first met him: hang on to this one because he’s a keeper. It helped that my Mom was a wonderful woman, accomplished, not psycho, loved my partner, and was well-enough off so as not to be a financial burden. It’s all in the luck of the draw and for that I was lucky, too.

One thing my mother does that I don't understand is when we're watching TV together she talks non stop while the show is, and all she talks about are all the bad things that have happened over the years.

I've spent decades trying to forget the past and all she wants to do is talk about it. The same stories over and over reliving the misery in excruciating detail.

R264 can she see a psychologist? There is sliding scale therapists available through hospitals. She needs an official listener.

R261, that’s an interesting question. I never thought about it, but neither of my parents cared for their parents in their old age. Both sets of grandparents were cared for devotedly by other children. I cared for both sets of parents myself.

R264, I’ve also had the same experience with an elderly relative. Every time I spent any time with her, she went on and on about how terrible her parent was. This parent has been dead for decades. She has completely forgotten anything good that parent ever did. In her mind, the dead parent never did a single good thing. I know that isn’t true from personal experience. She will not stop talking about how horrible this parent was, and would talk about them obsessively, bringing up all sorts of painful incidents I just want to forget. And it was impossible to get her to change the subject. I didn’t know if it was better to let her get it out or try to stop her. And afterwards, I would be upset myself.

R265 I don't think she needs to be analyzed, she just needs to learn how to forget the past. I just sit there and let her talk because I know no amount of effort on my part will make her forget or change the subject.

R266 my father was a horribly abusive drunk and I understand completely my mother's difficulty in letting go of the past. I don't begrudge her needing to talk about it to work through it. But like your relative it's all she talks about. Every story comes back to something my father did or said. Everything she sees on TV reminds her of something that happened 40 years ago. I mentioned a birthday party we had in 1977 for my sister and she immediately cut me off to start talking about how drunk dad was that day. This has been going on my entire life and I just can't handle it anymore.

R264/R267: "This has been going on my entire life and I just can't handle it anymore."

You've been able to forget. She hasn't. If you can't stop it (and clearly, she's been damaged by his abuse) try to cut her some slack. And you do - you go there and listen.

You have managed this much thus far and it doesn't sound like it's going to change. Think, "Lord give me the strength to change what I can and accept what I can't." Or something like that.

R266 here.

This person also obsessed about every breakup she’s ever had. A couple years after she broke up with the last couple of partners, she would continue to talk about them very frequently every day, after they had been gone from her life for years. She also has OCD about inanimate objects.

I wonder if this is an OCD behavior and they just can’t shut it off. I know she did talk therapy for years and it hasn’t touched this behavior at all. She said it “helped her,” but none of her behavior changed at all. A couple of people I know who did talk therapy seem to have used it to excuse their own behavior. All they remember is, “when person X did this, it was not your fault.” Great, but why can’t you let it go then? At all?

R251/R256 Well, I'm sure this has nothing to do with the fact that I'm moving. 🙄

My mother has gotten herself hospitalized with something that is ridiculously easy to treat with IV fluids (low sodium), but she's being her delusional self and currently refusing treatment. She refused to let them take her blood unless I was there, whatever. Oh boy, you should have seen her when they took her blood. Meryl has a competitor for Best Actress. She pointed at one of the spots they took blood from and shrieked "LOOK WHAT THEY'VE DONE TO ME!!!" I've been making sure that the doctor, nurses (esp. head nurse of the unit), hospital social worker, etc. know that I'm moving out of town in 2 weeks AND that she probably needs some sort of home care, etc.when she's discharged. Her doctor seems like a complete drip, but the nurses have been really great. This afternoon the charge nurse assured me that they can't/won't send her home in this state, and if they HAVE TO they could restrain her to treat her (because technically the low sodium is putting her in this state of delirium... but I know that 75% of this behavior is her actual personality)!

R270, she’ll probably end up in a nursing home. I know someone this happened to. You will be pressured to take over. Don’t do it.

R270 here, back for more advice.

Well, it looks like she's been evaluated by a hospital psychiatrist and... I think... they're going to have her go into assisted living. I'm going to be honest, she has an ok pension that really covers all her expenses in her home, has a decent-ish amount of savings, and owns her home which could be sold for maybe 300K. I have to admit that the thought of her going into assisted living terrifies me, because I'm afraid she'll run out of money. With her pension+savings she could live in assisted living for maybe 12 years. With her pension+house she could live for maybe another 10 years (inflation?). So, I guess she'll probably be okay in the end... she's an OLD 74 and I can't imagine her living for 22 years, until she's 96... but it's happened to people. I cannot stop worrying about her finances now, and what she'll do when she's 96 and has no money! I realize this problem will probably never happen, but I feel so bad that I can't be a better financial support for my mom. I'm only 31 and really just starting my career, my new job that I'm moving for, pays substantially better than my current job (but the pay isn't mind blowing and wouldn't be enough to support her AND myself if she ended up with nothing). Ugh, I just can't stop worrying. This entire situation is awful.

Man, I'm so envious of people who have capable parents.

R272 - I’m so envious of people who have wealthy parents. And your mom is wealthy. 22 years of assisted living is plenty. My mom only has 4 - and I have to wait. But even if money runs out, Medicare will cover assisted living. And from what I’ve seen in most cases, if the person has been there a long time it doesn’t matter if the cost is greater than Medicare reimbursement level.

Put her in assisted living now! And lead your life. I wish I had done that when she was 74. Absolutely nothing but negative has resulted from waiting. But again, my mother has nowhere near your mothers financial security. A pension AND a $300k house is plenty. Don’t feel guilt - and be strong when dealing with her pushback. It is totally the right thing to do.

Thanks R273! I didn’t mean to sound flippant about her finances. I guess she doesn’t “seem” wealthy to me because, she’s not a millionaire! The older people I know who are retired have more extravagant lifestyles and have more savings than she does, so people like that have always been my measure for “wealth” in the elderly. I just feel like my mom doesn’t have enough. She probably does have enough to survive on, and the odds of her living until she’s 96 are probably slim to none. Everything just seems So expensive, I guess if I’m more liberal in my estimates for assisted living, she could maybe afford only 15 years... which, Christ, would be until she’s 90. It’s hard for me to consider her wealthy when people insist that you need millions of dollars to retire.

There isn’t Medicare for seniors in Canada like they have there in the US, which sounds like it pays for everything for seniors with no money. So, I’m not sure what would happen if she ever ran out of money.

I moved 'home' to take care of my parents 5 years ago.

It wasn't a great burden at first. My dad could still drive and I would help him shop for groceries when my folks came to town every Wednesday which was senior citizen discount day at the local supermarket. Three years ago my sister died unexpectedly at age 60 of colon cancer which sent both of my parent into a tailspin. My dad died last year and my mom died this year. Thankfully, if I can say that in the circumstances, they both had relatively short illnesses and although I was preoccupied with their health 24 hours a day until the end, it wasn't completely intolerable.

But now I'm stuck here in no-man's land with no purpose or place to go.

R274 - the key element that distinguishes your mothers situation from the standard mantra of “you need millions” (which is an unrealistic BS perpetuated by Fear and the financial industry that 80%+ of the population has no chance of ever achieving) is the pension. That guaranteed monthly income every month until the day she dies is a goldmine. More valuable potentially than hundreds of thousands - even if only $1-2 thousand month. Nursing homes love that steady income. I bet she dies before you even need to tap the home value.

Several people here have their agencies mixed up. MEDICARE does NOT UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES pay for assisted living. It will pay for short term nursing home care, (I think 90 days) and the patient has to show improvement - otherwise will be kicked out, because Medicare will quit paying. MEDICAID, an entirely different agency, will pay for assisted living. However, it has an income/asset limitation. So a person must spend down his/her own resources until those run out, then apply for Medicaid as an impoverished person, which will then pay for a nursing home/assisted living. The rate of reimbursement is quite low, so a person's choices of homes will be severely limited and the care received will not be top notch. I don't know exactly how it works for immediate placement, but I suspect that if you start off with assets, you'll start out in a single room with fairly frequent visitation by housekeeping and staff, and when you become poor and Medicaid-dependent, you'll be dropped down to a shared room with less intensive staffing.

The way that some people get around this is to convert their money (from the sale of a home or whatever asset they have) into a guaranteed annuity. That shows up as a monthly income stream, sort of like a social security check. Assisted living places, which would normally take someone's social security check PLUS Medicaid reimbursement, will give a better level of service to someone who has SS plus Medicaid plus a monthly annuity. With that, you're probably talking a monthly income of $4000 to an assisted living place, which is $48,000/year. Less than a deluxe place costs, but a better quality home than the medicaid flophouse assisted living places.

Actually in my parent's case the assisted living facility accepted her as she had enough liquid assets to pay the full freight of $5500/month for 5 years. They guaranteed that when the money ran out that they would allow her to stay on at the Medicaid reimbursement rate. She would have a private room, but not the one bedroom unit she started with.

[quote]But now I'm stuck here in no-man's land with no purpose or place to go.

That's one of my biggest fears R275. I've spent so many year being a caregiver that I don't have a safety net for myself when my mother is gone.

R278:- that is the crucial fact that no one talks about in the “running out of money” paranoia that has taken over American society. Most everyone I know whose parents ran out of money stayed in the same place.

While pride the saving and planning is necessary, we need to stop this indoctrination of fear that has occurred in the US. Everyone is so terrified of the future of running out of money that we can’t enjoy our lives. In reality, many of us will die long before running out of money. After spending 20 years working a miserable job and hating my present life, I’m trying to structure a life TODAY that I enjoy instead of a life I hate out of fear of the future.

R274 Here again, in retrospect I think I was underestimating the cost of assisted living.

For people who have parents currently in assisted living, how much are you paying? I know costs vary wildly, and I'm located in Canada so I'm sure what my mother pays will be different from Americans, but I want to get a better idea of how much this is going to all cost... before she runs out of money. My nightmare.

I guess I should have written "how much are THEY paying" not "you."

OP, I commend and admire you. Your parent is lucky to have you. 🤗

It all depends on the place and what people want. A friend's mom is in a high-end ALF in Marin County, just north of San Francisco. The place has day and shopping trips, educational and exercise classes, a nice gym, a therapy pool, docs onsite twice a week, easy access to a group medical practice nearby and great catering. I love to see her, but I love having lunch there, too. It was $250,000 to buy in at age 80 (16 years or so ago) and $5000 a month to stay in a one-bedroom apartment with a kitchen and twice-daily maid service and all the monitoring devices. She was a big shot at Stanford, has the money and told me she thought it was a bargain when she was 90. She's 96 now so I guess she's right. She can enjoy it. Her mind's still there but her hearing is going and she knew enough to stop driving after a minor accident: she can't live alone and did it on her terms. And while she could go tomorrow, she might also beat someone into the Guinness World Records or at least pass the century mark - who knows? Given what I saw (it looks and feels like a Ritz-Carlton) the place and the prices are probably far above the national norm if not in the Bay Area - nobody's getting $60K a year from Social Security - and would likely cost a lot more upfront for someone moving in today.

On the other end of the scale, I know two people who live in a local VNA-built and run assisted living facility near Boston who pay in the range of $1500 a month for a studio with minimal (dorm fridge and microwave) cooking facilities. If either paid an entry fee, it cannot have been more than maybe $50,000 and both moved in within the last five years. The frills aren't there: it's the short bus to go the store or a taxi to the doctor, not a Town Car or a station wagon. There are no fresh flowers in the lobby. There are income standards, but it's more about how relatively little you've got, not how much. It's not a warehouse, but it's not the Ritz, either. What you're getting is a place to live on your own until you can't any more, but when you can't, the nursing facility meets all the state's standards. The VNA was and technically still is a charity, but it's pretty corporate with the organization working as a state contractor paid part of some of the resident's fees. In that sense, Massachusetts is more like Canada: there's more of a social safety net here than in most of the US. In my limited experience, these are the high and low end prices in two US cities with really high costs of living (#1 and #3, I think) so your costs will likely vary.

My friends mother in Texas paid $3,000 for full time dementia care. In NYC, it’s $10,000 for basic care - and much more. It really depends where you live. It’s a good reason to consider where you will retire. If you expect to need full time assisted living, move to a cheap cost of living area where nurses can be paid a living wage of $30-$40,000. Dont ever go into long term care in NYC or CA with less than $500,000.

Ok R281 here again, well... I spoke with the hospital social worker about my mother possibly going into assisted living and I'm a lot less worried now. I guess because she's being recommended for assisted living by the health care system in her province, she gets to go to a subsidized facility in her province... which is probably about $2100-ish for a private room (iirc), stuff like cable, telephone, etc. is extra, but whatever. With this in mind, I think you're right R276. I probably won't have to tap into her house for a good number of years.

I still feel bad about being so honest with the hospital staff about how my mother lives at home, but I think I'll finally be able to live a life that isn't attached to her now. She'll be able to get the care she needs and will have people who are able to attend to her.

There are still a ton of details that need to be worked out before she'd get a placement, but I'm glad this is all more doable than I initially thought.

Good for you, R286. I know how exhausting this is. Just hang in there a little while longer.

I was thinking this morning about how the amount of care I've given my parents over the last 27 years is inverse to the amount of care they gave me when I was a kid.

She wants sympathy. Some people get off on being victims. So even if they have to go way back several decades to the time when they were victims, or miserable or WTF ever, they will do it so they can get sympathy. YOu just nod and say, "It must have been awful for you..." And then change the subject. Acknowledge how terrible they had it, LOL! They're mostly full of shit. They enjoy picking at the scabs of old wounds. It makes them feel alive. Ugh.

Bumping this thread for more stories.

Has 2020 proven to be good so far, or just the same stuff?

I stepped back during the holidays and let her be alone. It was good for me and she got the message that she shouldn’t be relying on me every second of the day to entertain her. Going to do smaller doses in 2020 and take time away.

These threads gave me perspective on how damaging it can be and how, as gay men, we take on so much more than we should for aging parents, especially mothers. Even though we will never get similar care in return.

I got a lawyer and had them put in guardianship. It was awful.

Carving out your own boundaries and life may not be easy - but it’s the right thing. You should not sacrifice your ongoing life - your ONLY one - to misery. Bite the bullet and accept the blowback - it’s worth it.

Thanks so much to everyone on this thread. All of the sharing helped me get through this. I started out by helping and then it took over my life eating me up like a shark. I got completely isolated during this. I walked away from my own life. I stopped being able to speak to others.

I have a burning hatred for invasive social workers. The worst creepy people in the world.

My 90 year old mother has dementia. We can see it, and it's getting worse. She's scheduled for hip replacement mid-Feb. Of course, Medicare pays 100% of hip replacement. (The surgeons know what Medicare pays.) And of course, I'm traveling 1000 mi to be there when it happens. I'm hoping they'll put her in aftercare following the surgery, but I'm told the "Caseworker" decides after the surgery what state my mother's in. I may end up being the "Coach." Hooray! All I can think of is the 4 heart surgeries and procedures my mother has had and how they've led here. Might a heart attack or stroke have been preferable to nodding off in a dementia ward. That's where my mother is headed. It was her worst nightmare. All these interventions come at a cost-- financial and human. She feared a nursing home more than anything. Me, I would have taken death. (The surgeon says, "But the quality of life! She deserves to not have hip pain!-- And I deserve the 30 thousand dollars your mother's surgery brings to me!")

OP - Oh baby. I haven't read thru the thread but my heart goes out to you. I was in this situation two years ago. My heart goes out to you.

Lately I've been very resentful and bitter towards my mother and I'm not happy about this. I'm worried it's going to get worse before it gets better.

She's not nearly as much work as many people here are dealing with, but a good part of my day is taking care of her.

I wish I could just turn off my emotions and stop feeling bitter and jealous about my siblings and the lives they've had because the family made me the de facto caregiver.

I don’t think I could do this.

I’m only a Millennial and my parents are still in their late 50s, but I’m watching my mother run ragged after my rude dependent uptight critical 83 year old Grandma (my mother’s mother) constantly and it depresses me immensely. Grandma is still lucid and mobile but she forgets and drops little things all the time, is halfway deaf, can’t walk fast because of knarled up feet and can barely see either so she’s a handful. Her attitude is the worst, having anxiety attacks about the most minor things one second then loudly spewing racist classist Deplorable vitriol the next. She deliberately creates problems and drama others have to fix for the attention, I think. She still lives in her own house over the county line right now, thank Goodness.

Even so Grandma expects my Mama to drop everything when she calls (and call twice a day), go over every weekend to do upkeep on her too-big house & garden, organise her appointments, buy her groceries, act as her free counsellor, drive her all over, take her out to meals & events. Grandma has my creaky Pops doing dangerous maintenance work on her house with old cheap faulty tools we can’t afford to replace. Grandma even stays at Mama’s place every two weeks by her own invitation and it stresses both my Mama & Pops out so much (Pops hates her as a person, and his own parents were abusive and died young & destitute so there’s issues there) that they fight and don’t speak on the regular.

I do what I can to help my folks out with her, going over on weekends to garden/clean/fix things and keep Grandma occupied so my Mama can escape or get a break. I sometimes cook and eat lunch with her in front of her telenovelas, and try to keep her mood up listening to her ramble.

Still I resent us all being expected to as a weekly unpaid job, and I keep telling my Mama she should pack Grandma off to a senior community or better yet her rich older brothers (my uncles) overseas - but she won’t for reasons she won’t disclose. For context my Mana always got on ok with her mother and they weren’t ever estranged, but they’ve never been close either. I can see the bitterness setting in...

Mama doesn’t even stand to inherit anything from taking care of my Grandma more intensely in future, as Grandma spends all her pension and my Uncle owns Grandma’s house which he isn’t giving up the deed until he goes to the grave himself. There’s nothing in this for her but Catholic karma points, which we all know are wortheless.

Personally I am afraid of my Pops living another 10, 20, 30 years and me having to care for him, whether he’s crazy or sane. I already can’t stand him as a independent actor person - he’s a homophobe, a weird reclusive Republican deadbeat and just a toxic personality that I wish my Mama had divorced. But here we are. Pops smokes a lot and sits in a chair watching tv all day and he’s only 59 so hopefully that will do the trick...only that will crush my Mama and potentially turn her into an emotional leech on me...just thinking about it makes me feel like ending it all and I’m not even 30.

R298 - that’s actually helpful perspective. Smart and emotionally sensitive. Interesting to get your perspective - it’s so easy to get wrapped up in this and feel like we are bitching to the choir. Good to realize it is an objectively horrible position - and wonder why it is we do it.

R298 I totally get it, I'm a millennial (31) who's mother had me when she was older (she's 74) and as... difficult as she is as she ages, especially because she has ton of other issues related to mental health, and not quite age... BUT her poor lifestyle is also ceatching up to her as she ages. She has to see a cardiologist because her doctor suspects she might have chronic heart failure. Even though it is EXHAUSTING to be so young taking care of an elderly parent, part of me is relieved to know that I likely *won't* be taking care of her in my 40s. It would be more comfortable to have more means to take care of her (I'm just in the early stages of my career), it's also nice to know that in my 50s I likely won't be running ragged trying to take care of an elderly parent.

Also, of course my elderly mother was NOT taking care of her parents when she was my age. Hell, when she was in her 50s... was she the sibling who took care of HER elderly mother? NO!!! So, I'm pretty resentful that she expects this shit from me.

R295, my 82 year old friend’s mother was healthy looking. She became my friend, too. She got a hip replacement, and stroked-out. She lingered for a few months, then died. I think my friend might have killed her.

My Dad had his knees replaced at about age 65. At 85, he needed it again, but was deemed too old for the procedure. He died at 90.

So, you should be prepared for that possibility. It’s very possible. How long is the recovery period, and how much longer would she live without the surgery, anyway? After recovery, how much functionality will she get back? Maybe pain meds are a better substitute? Not like addiction is a real problem.

Sorry if you’ve already thought all this through.

Keep a job...that is very important.

OP here, almost a year later. I moved in with her in September. Still haven't found a job, but so far it's been OK.

It's been a great relief for Mom (soon to be 86). She still drives, gardens, and has activities (including Pilates for seniors) but I'm around when she would have been home alone. Plus I brought pets which she enjoys. Once a month she goes out with "the girls" to see a release like "Little Women," but she's also gotten addicted to streaming TV.

She does her laundry the way she wants it; I do mine. We split the cooking, and she actually prefers mine ("it's like going out to a restaurant"). I prepare things that are novel to her but appeal to her aging tastebuds, like spicy-sweet Thai noodle salads or New Orleans red beans and rice.

I'm bringing in a pittance, but it still saves money over what would probably be a part-time caretaker situation, and we're both much more comfortable not having strangers in the house.

That said, I get bored much of the time (thank God for e-book borrowing privileges from my old library) and the local gay scene is dire. I may get involved in liberal political groups as the election gets closer, just to have something to do. There are days when I "go to the library" just to have a couple of hours to find a coffeehouse, have a smoke and a decompression and just relax on my own. Plus she goes to bed early and I have the house to myself for two or three hours.

Please keep leaving your stories here. They're all valuable.

Seems like you have a good relationship with her OP. Lucky you.

Kids are not always the best caregivers for parents...so hire caregivers. In some states, the government will help you out.

Thanks R302. Death would be a blessing. I'm 68 and can't imagine how much longer I can do this (care for her long-distance.) I'm feeling a bit better. Today I spoke with the surgeon's nurse, and I was reassured by things she said. Like: because of her age and mental ability the surgeon most likely will recommend an after-care facility. Nurse also told me that my mother stops by their office at least once a week just to chat and ask questions! It's a small town, but imagine! Nurse said most of their elderly patients do this. No appointment. Just stop by.

OP: you're amazing. I hope this keeps going well. Watch for personality changes. If you're lucky they won't happen. I think ugly behavior was my mother's first sign of dementia. I thought she was being bitchier and more narcissistic than usual, and now we've all decided it's the dementia. Easier in some ways to accept that but still it can wear on you when your mother-- who was never very loving to begin with-- is more repellant than ever.

Reading this thread reminds me how lucky we are that my 92 year old grandmother is at a fantastic nursing home. Nothing fancy, but just well-run with good staff. She wasn't happy initially but now won't leave for overnight family visits. She'll go to family dinners but by 8pm she'll insist on going back to her nursing home.

She does say she gets lonely though. But I suspect that would be just as true if she had continued living my uncle and his family. When you live this long and your generation is mostly gone and the younger generations are out working and going to school--being lonely probably is a given. We live about a day apart via plane travel and I only see her about every 12-18 months. She cries (and so do I) when I leave.

My Gram at 85 had the cataract surgery on both eyes. One evening soon after, my two siblings called me that she was out of control, uncharacteristically crabby. After a bit of hassle, I just hugged her; and that and a cry is what she wanted. She quickly went back to normal thereafter. Imagine going decades with only the rare hug for physical contact!

Some time afterward, I did take her out to dinner once and at the salad course, I saw her cut up a doily and eat it. She had no taste buds left anyway.

I’m not looking forward to this phase of my life.

This whole situation is untenable. The doctors keep people alive with all of these procedures and meds. Doctors can keep your heart going forever with stents and pacemakers and statins. It goes on and on and people are living way past their sell date. The poor kids end up wreaking their lives and finances trying to take care of them because the gov won't. The gov, however, will do everything in their power to keep old people alive. My grandparents were born shortly before the turn of the 20th century. They and most of that generation died by the time they were 80, usually before dementia set in. They need to stop all medical care to keep you alive by the time people are 80 and just give them comfort care. The chance of someone getting dementia goes way up after 80. I was lucky, my parents both died by the time they were 80 and both died suddenly.

OP / R304, thank you for checking back. I know it's not exactly the life you imagined. But it does sound pleasant on its own terms. Especially the cooking part. I never understood why people like to cook and bake for others. However, once people started liking my cooking, I understood why.

There was an interview with a 90 year old guy on TV a while back.

He has a lung issue and uses an oxygen tank, diabetes, had colon cancer and now has a colostomy bag, has such bad arthritis that he can't walk on his own.

He's doing the interview and talking about how great his life is, all the things he does, going out for meals, going to concerts and visiting museums.

Then they showed his daughter, her husband and a nurse doing everything for him and basically carrying him everywhere.

I thought of course you love your life--you have an army of caregivers doing everything for you. All you have to do is sit there eat shit and sleep.

I've always said when I can no longer bathe, dress and feed myself I'm ending my life.

My religious beliefs are against suicide, but maybe by then it will have changed.

It’s like a horror movie. The kids just s lowly take over your life.

[quote]My 90 year old mother has dementia. We can see it, and it's getting worse. She's scheduled for hip replacement mid-Feb.

This is insane. Who does a hip replacement on a 90-year old woman? It’s a coin toss as to whether she’ll live through the surgery.

Quality of life? She’s 90! Odds are, she’ll be dead in less than a decade (if the operation doesn’t kill her).

R315 I posted that about my mother. I contacted surgeon's nurse, who walked me through the procedure. She said they had recently performed a replacement on a 92 yr old woman with full dementia! After the surgery, this woman went to a nursing home for 3 weeks, and when she left the after-care, she walked perfectly. Nurse said they've never had such a committed patient. I guess that the dementia caused her to grab the whole rehab thing like a dog with a bone. So. . . that's why they tell me that my mother will do great. But they do admit that they have advised her of the risk repeatedly and understand that she probably doesn't fully understand.

So if I go against my mother's wishes, everyone will be mad at me. I've decided to let her do it, and at least it will keep her from driving for a few months. And maybe, if I'm lucky, she'll die from the surgery, peacefully and quickly.

I'm R216 .How prophetic of me. Well here I am back in my hometown living with 95 yr old mother as my spouse's behavior did not improve and now divorce is taking place.

Ya just nevah know

Sending my best R216 / R317. Don't forget to take care of yourself. I recently visited my 90 yr old mother to supervise her elective hip replacement (!) which she sailed through. (However, The narcotics made her more unbearable than ever.) One night I just left the hospital and went to the best restaurant in town and treated myself. Never done that before. I felt a thousand times better. Walks helped or however you exercise, but definitely indulge yourself when you can.

The past year has been my year of caregiving. Moved back to my hometown to take care of two aging family members and then wound up having to go across the country to help someone else deal with stage 4 cancer. I am happy I was able to help but it totally disrupted my life and business and now Im back in the hometown again trying to figure out how to bring in some income because I am far from retired. Miss my friends and having an independent life and don't see anything changing anytime soon.

Bless all you caregivers who are helping out. It's not easy and often thankless.

My mother told me something last week that really depressed me.

She said she only had me so that she could make sure she'd have someone around to take care of her and my father in their old age.

I suddenly understood why I was never allowed to have friends, or do after school activities, never got to go to college like my siblings did and why I was basically treated like a salve by my family.

I was born and raised to be a caregiver and it seems my entire family was in on it and did everything they could to make sure I never lived my own life.

;R320] How old are you? What a terrible thing for your mom to say! The bottom line though, is that unless you are a dependent living in your parent's house, your life is yours to live as you please. Reading this thread I'm shocked at how many gay men are guilt tripped or manipulated into caring for their aged parents! I think it's offensive that many of us elder gays were thought of as eunuchs who were not supposed to have a marriage or our own family lives and expected to be care givers. The other trope being the uncle that spoiled and paid for cars, college, etc. for our nieces and nephews. This uncle was also supposed to leave everything to these ungrateful people who never remembered their uncle's birthday. They were reminded by their sibling that there was Xmas, a graduation or a birthday coming up for these nieces and nephews every time though! I'm glad I figured that out in my late 20's!