My niece has ordered her mother (my sister) to share no information with me

You’re just jealous your sister had the football team and you didn’t.

I'm sure OP had the football team, just not the A team.

Or even the B team.

Is there such a thing as a Z team?

Maybe just the fantasy football league team. In his head. With that one zucchini standing in for all the players.

If the OP ever serves you zucchini don't eat it. You know where it's been.

I wasn’t even having sex in high school!

When I was 19 and just enrolled at the university, my father (who had assumed I’d been intimate with male friends) told me he knew I had certain “proclivities,” but that I should give the opposite sex a try before ruling it out.

So I asked out a nice, quiet girl who worked at the library. We had intercourse, but I did not enjoy it very much and I decided that it was all right to pursue my interest in other boys.

How the fuck do you know what the school gossip is?

Because I went to the same school. We’re only three years apart.

Nobody has sex with the entire football team. Most of them are not very attractive, and it's a big team.

Now, the squash team? That's a different story.

How's your neighbor boy Joel doing, OP?

*neighbor's boy, Joel*

OP,, have you tried calling up the niece and belching at her over the phone? My understanding is that is a time honored way in your family to express displeasure.

I don't know why you expect anything better from that little strumpet Tansy.

Since she's been ruining herself with tampons, can you really say you're surprised? She probably doesn't douche, either.

The future of your most vulnerable grandniece should be your priority at this point of crisis. When her mother, sister, and grandmother fail her, you must be there for her as a concerned grand-uncle to advise her about birth control, dating etiquette, and prom dresses.

OP. Are you the poster who will his hope chest to his niece?

She doesn't appreciate Chicken a la King, either!

Is this one of those threads where we're supposed to pretend we're characters in a Jane Eyre novel?

Or even in a novel by Charlotte Bronte.

R12, the older grandniece won’t speak to me and my niece, their mother, has decided I’m not allowed to see the younger grandniece.

The older one is the one who’s been using tampons since she was 12. No decent man is going to want her, so she’ll wind up pregnant by a black or Mexican before she’s finished high school. A complete harlot like my sister was. Daddy said she’d sleep with a buck you-know-what, and he was right.

There’s still a chance they could turn out to be ladies............of the evening...

I'm the ne'er do well son of an earl who tarnished the reputation of the local tavern-keepers daughter and how had my sights set on the silly, impetuous but incredibly beautiful fourth-eldest daughter.

I'm the old vicar. Everyone confides in me and has me over for tea so they can introduce their daughters to the handsome new young vicar. How do you think he got his job?

I'm the uncle of the young vicar.

I was sent to Australia for stealing a cabbage and a turnip. Whilst down under, I discovered gold, and now I'm back and giving handsomely to the parish in the hopes of scoring my nephew a real lady for a match.

He has no idea.

I'm Lady de Pomplemousse.

I throw the gayest salons in London.

Simply everyone wants to be invited.

Rumor has it I'm porking the Prince of Wales.

Without reading all of this nonsense, why exactly do you care?

The uncle troll is not Mitzi's human. Mitzi's human, e.g. Joel's friend, has a warm, gentlemanly personality. Also the only woman he's ever mentioned is his mother. The uncle troll is bitter and gossipy.

[quote]The older one is the one who’s been using tampons since she was 12. No decent man is going to want her...

My daddy Mike Huckabee always told me that tampons are the Devil's fingers!

Good girls wouldn't even think of using them.

R23, my niece has NO respect for tradition or etiquette or social graces. She’s an amazon who insists on browbeating others with her misinformed opinions and newfangled ideas. I have come to HATE her.

R25, tampons are for married ladies. They are not for a girl of 12. What respectable man would want a woman who’s been ruining herself with tampons since she was 12? She would have very limited options.

It’s the Uncle/Sister/Niece Troll, once again.

Please take your collection of Avon perfume bottles and go away.