Hello to all the vile and awful people who frequent The DL and who take joy in hurting others! I have questions for you.
Years ago, someone hurt my feelings terribly at work by comparing me, for no reason, to a hideous animal. I cried, despite the ridiculousness of being adult whose feelings were hurt by such a thing. I am gay and I guess it hurt to be insulted by a younger gay man in the office, not to mention that it was a shock he said it to my face.
Yesterday, another coworker likewise basically called me ugly to my face in front of a bunch of people. The marriage of another coworker—a friend of mine for over 10 years—broke up, in small part because her jealous husband was bothered that we are friends. He believes that being gay is “a lifestyle choice” and didn’t trust that I am not after his wife.
Hearing this, another coworker laughed uproariously and said, “Hasn’t he MET [my name]? I mean, has he HEARD [my name]?”
I know I am pretty damned gay acting and sounding and I’m not the least bit self-conscious about it. That didn’t bother me. But she wasn’t done.
“No offense to [my name], but I’m surprised your husband thought he could be your type. I mean, remember how you went on and on about that hot guy in the gym? That VERY ATTRACTIVE guy? Nothing like...” [glances at me, laughs].
I am 40 years old now. I’m more emotionally resilient than I used to be, but still pretty self-conscious. It was like a punch in the gut and here it is 6:30 on Saturday morning and I woke up with this on my mind. It will haunt me that this 30 year-old woman decided to mock my appearance in an office kitchen full of people.
So my question to the mean people of The DL who delight in hurting other people is simply: Why? What is it about causing other people pain that so delights you? I have said things a few times in my life that have inadvertently hurt people’s feelings, and I’ve felt terrible about it and carried that terrible feeling with me afterward. Some people take joy in causing pain and harm to others, and I honestly cannot understand it and I am sincerely asking those of you who come here to say hurtful things what it is about doing that that satisfies you. I’m trying to understand.
I feel like shit today. I have plans for the day, but I don’t want to leave my apartment now—all I want to do is hibernate. I realize I am no uglier now than I was a week, a month or a year ago, but to be 40 years old, not 12, and have people laugh in my face and just lay it all out in front of me is painful in a deep way that I can’t just shake off.