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Question for the horrible people of The DL.

Hello to all the vile and awful people who frequent The DL and who take joy in hurting others! I have questions for you.

Years ago, someone hurt my feelings terribly at work by comparing me, for no reason, to a hideous animal. I cried, despite the ridiculousness of being adult whose feelings were hurt by such a thing. I am gay and I guess it hurt to be insulted by a younger gay man in the office, not to mention that it was a shock he said it to my face.

Yesterday, another coworker likewise basically called me ugly to my face in front of a bunch of people. The marriage of another coworker—a friend of mine for over 10 years—broke up, in small part because her jealous husband was bothered that we are friends. He believes that being gay is “a lifestyle choice” and didn’t trust that I am not after his wife.

Hearing this, another coworker laughed uproariously and said, “Hasn’t he MET [my name]? I mean, has he HEARD [my name]?”

I know I am pretty damned gay acting and sounding and I’m not the least bit self-conscious about it. That didn’t bother me. But she wasn’t done.

“No offense to [my name], but I’m surprised your husband thought he could be your type. I mean, remember how you went on and on about that hot guy in the gym? That VERY ATTRACTIVE guy? Nothing like...” [glances at me, laughs].

I am 40 years old now. I’m more emotionally resilient than I used to be, but still pretty self-conscious. It was like a punch in the gut and here it is 6:30 on Saturday morning and I woke up with this on my mind. It will haunt me that this 30 year-old woman decided to mock my appearance in an office kitchen full of people.

So my question to the mean people of The DL who delight in hurting other people is simply: Why? What is it about causing other people pain that so delights you? I have said things a few times in my life that have inadvertently hurt people’s feelings, and I’ve felt terrible about it and carried that terrible feeling with me afterward. Some people take joy in causing pain and harm to others, and I honestly cannot understand it and I am sincerely asking those of you who come here to say hurtful things what it is about doing that that satisfies you. I’m trying to understand.

I feel like shit today. I have plans for the day, but I don’t want to leave my apartment now—all I want to do is hibernate. I realize I am no uglier now than I was a week, a month or a year ago, but to be 40 years old, not 12, and have people laugh in my face and just lay it all out in front of me is painful in a deep way that I can’t just shake off.

by Anonymousreply 197February 26, 2019 11:34 PM

A latent sadistic streak.

by Anonymousreply 1February 16, 2019 10:37 AM

Oh, honey, don't waste your time trying to figure out the internal reality of people who can't be bothered to notice the effects of their actions. And don't bother trying to make them feel guilty. Just do something nice for yourself. Or read up on cognitive behavorial therapy so you understand why it's such a bad idea to ruminate on something like this.

by Anonymousreply 2February 16, 2019 10:42 AM

You've put a lot more thought into this than your bullies did. The snarky comment amused them briefly . The fact you have been so upset would perhaps make some feel guilty, some pleased but most would be non-plussed that it had that effect. You owe it to yourself to shake these things off better, some people are shitty for whatever reason.

by Anonymousreply 3February 16, 2019 10:42 AM

OP, why didn’t you say something to this rude pig when they insulted you?

by Anonymousreply 4February 16, 2019 10:43 AM

R4 I did. I told her to quit while she was behind after she made fun of my obvious gay qualities. She just laughed and shook her head and said, “I’m sorry. No offense, but...” Another coworker and I both told her to stop digging the hole she was digging, but she persisted. And then all afternoon she apologized. I believe she felt bad about it, but the damage is done to me and I do wonder why people hurt other people intentionally. I have been in therapy for nine years and it has done me a world of good, but I can’t simply forget it when people laugh in my face and call me ugly, especially in a professional setting. It’s just totally baffling to me and not something I can forget happened.

by Anonymousreply 5February 16, 2019 10:48 AM

Life is mean. Shrug it off and move on. Your feelings are valid but why obsess about a narcissistic pig?

by Anonymousreply 6February 16, 2019 10:52 AM

This is workplace harassment and you should report it.

by Anonymousreply 7February 16, 2019 10:53 AM

Yeah, OP. You wouldn't have had to say anything negative about her appearance to retaliate (i.e. sinking to her level). You should have just said, "That's rude and hurtful" or omething along those lines.

Probably what's really upsetting you is less her comment than your lack of reaction. Stick up for yourself.

Also, as a very infrequent poster but very longtime reader of DL, you're making sweeping generalizations about DL's cruelty. Sure, people say shitty things sometimes, in an (often successful) attempt to be funny, or just to vent anonymously, but I've read a lot of kindness and excellent advice on DL over the years.

And you do yourself no favors by thinking of yourself as an innocent victim of all the cruel people of the world. Are you Jesus? Has Jesus graced us with his presence? Get over yourself.

by Anonymousreply 8February 16, 2019 10:53 AM

She's a cunt. Give us her email and we'll send her this thread after it gets going.

by Anonymousreply 9February 16, 2019 10:54 AM

R4 and as for the gay guy who told me that I look like a reptile years ago, I cried on the spot and he clearly saw how hurt I was. I couldn’t help my reaction because it just came as a total shock to me, without any warning. He is an uber-confident Ivy League gay whom I thankfully do not have to work with any longer (but still encounter occasionally), and he once confronted me about holding a grudge, and he told me that “literally every person who knows me thinks I am the nicest person they know.” I told him that is objectively false given that I know him and he is literally one of the most unkind people I have ever met, and that I have no investment in him but that he certainly never would convince me that he is the nice person he views himself as being. But that is as far as my interest in confrontation goes. I don’t insult people based on appearances or superficial reasons regardless of how they behave. I do avoid people who display cruel streaks in my personal life, but when I am paid to share office space with them, that makes it physically impossible to avoid them and out them out of my mind.

by Anonymousreply 10February 16, 2019 10:54 AM

[quote]And you do yourself no favors by thinking of yourself as an innocent victim of all the cruel people of the world. Are you Jesus? Has Jesus graced us with his presence? Get over yourself.

Huh?

by Anonymousreply 11February 16, 2019 10:55 AM

LOL definitely expected R8 to end with the cuntiest of cuntitudes after the "DL isn't cruel" gag

by Anonymousreply 12February 16, 2019 10:56 AM

People do things like that out of a place of deep insecurity.

She is really saying it to gain external affirmation that she is not as ugly as she believes she is. It's like "I may be ugly but the gay guy--she's even uglier---AND he's gay!... Right? Right? Please tell me I'm right!!!"

So feel bad for her.

She's in much worse shape than she lets on.

by Anonymousreply 13February 16, 2019 10:56 AM

r8 = the cunt in question

by Anonymousreply 14February 16, 2019 10:56 AM

[quote]Huh?

I'm saying OP is playing the martyr a bit.

by Anonymousreply 15February 16, 2019 10:56 AM

R15 He's not. You're just an asshole. Have you ever been homophobically bullied in the workplace?

by Anonymousreply 16February 16, 2019 10:57 AM

Because someone said the exact same shit about them when they were younger.

by Anonymousreply 17February 16, 2019 10:57 AM

If your 'obviously gay qualities' were mocked doesn't that constitute discrimination at the workplace OP? Sounds like you would have a strong case especially as it was in front of people. If you really can't let it go or give as good ( or better ) than you got, there is a legal option for you, dependent on how far you want to take things. As for getting to the bottom of why people are nasty there is no bottom to that barrel.

by Anonymousreply 18February 16, 2019 10:57 AM

[quote]I'm saying OP is playing the martyr a bit.

And deservedly so. I have never forgotten two cunts I caught doing this to me at work in 1980. Never forgotten. One of them is my Second Worst Person in the World.

by Anonymousreply 19February 16, 2019 10:58 AM

R8 I did make a sweeping generalization about the people on this site. Not everyone here is cruel, but this site harbors a lot more cruel words than everyday life does, and I am curious what payoff people feel when they say vicious and hurtful things. This is something a lot of people do, and I don’t understand it, and since DL is a place where a lot of those people flock, I am asking the people who post things intended to hurt people why they do it. What is the payoff? It’s a simple question.

As for whether I am Jesus...um, no. That’s a bit of a screwball question, but for the record, nope, not Jesus.

by Anonymousreply 20February 16, 2019 10:59 AM

[quote][R15] He's not. You're just an asshole. Have you ever been homophobically bullied in the workplace?

Yes.

And now you will reply, "No you haven't. You're just making it up."

by Anonymousreply 21February 16, 2019 11:00 AM

R19

1980 was 40 years ago. It's likely these people are different now.

by Anonymousreply 22February 16, 2019 11:00 AM

And what sort of horrible workplace are you in, OP?

I have been working for 15 years at both large companies and start-ups, mostly in NYC, where people are generally ruder than elsewhere, and I have never heard of anyone lashing out like that.

People have argued over work, called each other's ideas stupid, accused each other of backstabbing, etc., but "never have I ever" heard anyone mock someone else's physical appearance to their face or call them a name.

If someone who worked for me did that and I overheard it, I'd probably fire them on the spot, and if I didn't then it would get back to HR and they would fire the person.

That sort of thing is just not acceptable.

So what sort of place are you working at?

by Anonymousreply 23February 16, 2019 11:01 AM

I don't give a fuck about one of them, r22. The other, as I said, is the Second Worst Person in the World. I hope life gave her everything she deserved.

by Anonymousreply 24February 16, 2019 11:02 AM

R20, most people do it for humor. It's a certain sense of humor that people who gravitate to DL share. Dark, black, mordant -- whatever you want to call it. It's a way of coping with the world's absurdities. Does everyone share this sense of humor? Obviously not.

Also, I'm sorry I called you Jesus. I don't want you to be upset and hurt by that asshole at work. I also don't want you to give her more power than she actually has.

by Anonymousreply 25February 16, 2019 11:03 AM

Was bullied in junior high, high school and even the first 18 months of college. Just stood there and took it, due to my own peculiar, pacifist moral credo.

But this shit stops in adulthood. R7 got it right. Report the twat to her supervisor. See how funny it is then.

by Anonymousreply 26February 16, 2019 11:04 AM

R18 I have no desire to “get back at” her. She acted for the rest of the afternoon like a dog who shit in the kitchen and knew she had done something wrong. She seemed remorseful, and I accept and appreciate that. She nevertheless HAD to say what she said, despite both me and another colleague telling her to stop after the first round of insults. She was compelled to get a second round of hurtful comments out and couldn’t stop herself from doing it. And I am curious what makes people do that. I can’t not think about it. I can’t not be hurt by the insinuation that I am physically repulsive. That damage is done, knowing cognitive behavioral techniques or not. But still, I ask of people who take joy or some other personal payoff from hurting people, why they do it. If people have the freedom to cause me or anyone else pain, then I reserve my right to ask why. I think that that is fair, to ask people to be a little introspective and honest about it.

by Anonymousreply 27February 16, 2019 11:04 AM

[quote]Also, I'm sorry I called you Jesus.

Thankfully, it said more about you than it did about OP.

Jesus? Jesus.

by Anonymousreply 28February 16, 2019 11:05 AM

Yeah, honestly, there are some nasty people in this world and I don't know why. I obsess over slights and waste time over worthless peoples' opinions too. If someone says something disparaging to you re: your looks, (because I'm sure they're not all that) say something like, "Thanks, Brad Pitt! or, "Thanks, Angelina Jolie!" A slight dig , and the others will laugh, cuz you checked that person and made them realize they're not all that!!!

by Anonymousreply 29February 16, 2019 11:05 AM

R21 No I totally believe you've been bullied and your closing comments suggest it's warped you into kind of a rotten bitch.

by Anonymousreply 30February 16, 2019 11:05 AM

And the people who are cruel on DL--and anywhere else online--do it because someone kicked them today or generally and they are taking it out on some anonymous person, which is easier than taking it out on a real person.

Many people (there's been a lot written about this) have a far more aggressive online persona than in real life and they use this online persona to channel all the aggression they feel which may or may not be healthy.

by Anonymousreply 31February 16, 2019 11:05 AM

As we have seen, some people have no problem being "aggressive" in person.

by Anonymousreply 32February 16, 2019 11:07 AM

R19/R24 -- there is nothing healthy about holding onto 40 year old grudges.

You really should try therapy because that sort of behavior can kill you

by Anonymousreply 33February 16, 2019 11:08 AM

And you keep asking OP but don't seem to hear what several of us have told you-- she did it because she's insecure AF and calling you ugly in front of a room full of people briefly made her feel like she is not ugly.

People will always insult others about something they fear is true about themselves.

by Anonymousreply 34February 16, 2019 11:11 AM

I would just report her to HR and hopefullly she will get fired.

It will improve your workplace. Chances are she’s a cunt to other people as well.

by Anonymousreply 35February 16, 2019 11:12 AM

R13 We all have things that stick with us over the years. Too bad therapy can't help a smug little asshole like you.

by Anonymousreply 36February 16, 2019 11:15 AM

R35 The thing is, she is otherwise always very sweet. I’m sure she’s thought of as one of the nicest people in the office, which only makes it stand out as even more bizarre and difficult to set aside.

And the HR in my office is a joke. It’s a woman who everyone in the office thinks is usually drunk, and who once looked and me and said “I bet you have a big dick.” (I swear to God.) Working for small nonprofit organizations doesn’t really offer anything in the human resources department in my experience.

by Anonymousreply 37February 16, 2019 11:16 AM

Sorry that was meant for R33.

by Anonymousreply 38February 16, 2019 11:16 AM

[quote] We all have things that stick with us over the years.

A good therapist can help you realize that this is a false statement that you use to justify your self-harming behavior.

by Anonymousreply 39February 16, 2019 11:17 AM

R47 Jesus Christ OP that HR manager has to be reported as well. You have a responsibility to the other employees she's likely harassed or will harass in the future.

by Anonymousreply 40February 16, 2019 11:18 AM

R39 Therapy has obviously not helped you overcome your grandiose sense of importance and misapprehensions about the human condition, so why recommend it to others?

by Anonymousreply 41February 16, 2019 11:20 AM

Make a video about it where you confront her and then post it online.

Let DL know you posted it and we will help it go viral.

by Anonymousreply 42February 16, 2019 11:21 AM

The thing is R41, she was right.

by Anonymousreply 43February 16, 2019 11:22 AM

OP, you're a mess and you need a blog

by Anonymousreply 44February 16, 2019 11:22 AM

R43 No, you weren't.

by Anonymousreply 45February 16, 2019 11:23 AM

Thankfully, I had limited hope that asking this question would yield thoughtful responses.

by Anonymousreply 46February 16, 2019 11:26 AM

Yes I was R45

And now I've found you on here and I'm going to make up for the past 40 years.

by Anonymousreply 47February 16, 2019 11:26 AM

OP you've gotten many responses which were positive in nature and lengthy in information.

You do sound like an insufferable NINNY though.

by Anonymousreply 48February 16, 2019 11:27 AM

R40 Report her to whom? She reports to the president, and he has always chosen to look the other way. She has diabetes and wild mood swings, and I don’t question her behavior because she seems mentally ill to me, but all of my coworkers agree that they smell alcohol on her breath all the time and that she is always drunk at work. They have told our president and he has never intervened. I have smelled alcohol a few times (I don’t have a very acute sense of smell) over 10 years, but she doesn’t slur her words or seem drunk to me most of the time; she just seems...I don’t know, bipolar or something.

by Anonymousreply 49February 16, 2019 11:31 AM

I'm sorry for your pain. People who are hurtful are deep down insecure. You might or might want to let hurtful people know that. Also be in touch with HR? I'm sure your company doesn't want a harrassment suit. The cruelty on DL is of a different nature, I think. People writing things to people they don't know. That shouldn't be taken as seriously as your kind at work. Fuck that bitch.

by Anonymousreply 50February 16, 2019 11:31 AM

R49 The only sensible thing to do at this point is to poison her.

by Anonymousreply 51February 16, 2019 11:32 AM

OP - I am sorry you were hurt - no one deserves that treatment - especially in the workplace in front of others - BIG HUG from me. Spend some time this morning writing her a "letter" telling her how her rude comments made you feel and don't hold back - call her every 4 letter name in the book - then put the letter away - this will help you let it go. Then, please go on with your plans for the day and show others you encounter total compassion. If you sit around today ruminating it will only make it worse.

by Anonymousreply 52February 16, 2019 11:54 AM

OP people with diabetes can have breath that smells like alcohol because of low or high blood sugar. Her problem is that she isn't treating her condition properly, eating right and taking the right medication, so her blood sugar is wildly fluctuating, causing her mood to do the same. Thus the odd personality. In other words, she is an idiot for not dealing with her medical condition properly and it affects everyone in the workplace. I worked with someone like this and it affected EVERYONE. Great guy but he ruined all his relationships.

by Anonymousreply 53February 16, 2019 12:03 PM

Oh R2, this bitch definitely noticed the affect of her actions. That's why she did it.

OP, I'll tell you about my former co-worker Elaine. She had a degree in Psych but didn't use it, opting to marry an Army man who was on the fast track to officer (he was a Major when I knew her, he appears to be a Lt. Colonel now). She worked as an assistant to special needs kids when I did, and was actively, routinely selfish and cruel to everyone. For instance, when we were trying to organize to ask for a raise because all special needs teachers, paras and assistants were being paid less than lunchroom attendants, she tried to sabotage it, saying, "I only use the money to save up for a European vacation, why do *I* need a raise? And if I don't need one, you don't need one."

Now, in between all that, she was nice, and plenty of people never saw the mean streak so they thought she was just a normal person. She wasn't. It was my first job after college and I was a huge newbie, so I was easy to pick on. Elaine also picked on the elderly woman, a poor coworker struggling to get back on her feet, and others she deemed as weak.

One day she didn't realize I was in the back of the room as she talked to another teacher who was having trouble with a student lashing out. "That student is lashing out at the people she thinks are friends," said Elaine, "Because it's a power trip, and you feel more powerful when you make someone near you feel badly. It's no fun doing it to strangers, you have to do it to someone you can see the reaction of."

Then she turned around and we locked eyes and she knew I knew her agenda.

I don't think your problem has anything to do with health, honestly. Your coworker learned a long time ago how to screw with people in a way that would hurt them and she could watch, because it made her feel powerful.

The only way to deal with it is to disengage with her completely. Be neutral and don't ever react to anything she does, ever, and if she confronts you because it's killing her that you aren't reacting, just say plainly, "I haven't been avoiding you, I didn't know you were trying to get my attention."

by Anonymousreply 54February 16, 2019 12:07 PM

R53 - no excuse for her asking OP if he has a big dick.

by Anonymousreply 55February 16, 2019 12:08 PM

Also OP, you are asking the wrong people here on DL. The cruelty here on DL is anonymous and not directly to anyone's face. Your cunt coworker was cruel to you for different reasons than the cruelty here on DL. I agree with what other posters have told you- she said those things to you to make herself look better for due to whatever insecurities she has. And yes, she is a cruel bitch. I don't care how many times she apologizes.

by Anonymousreply 56February 16, 2019 12:09 PM

[quote]he told me that “literally every person who knows me thinks I am the nicest person they know.”

LOL oh hell no they don't

Why do you even think more than 5 seconds about people like that? Laugh in his face and leave the next time he pulls that crap.

by Anonymousreply 57February 16, 2019 12:09 PM

[quote]you're making sweeping generalizations about DL's cruelty. Sure, people say shitty things sometimes, in an (often successful) attempt to be funny, or just to vent anonymously, but I've read a lot of kindness and excellent advice on DL over the years.

[quote]And you do yourself no favors by thinking of yourself as an innocent victim of all the cruel people of the world. Are you Jesus? Has Jesus graced us with his presence? Get over yourself.

R8 was either trying to get people to take the bait, or he legitimately has no idea he's a toxic little manbaby.

by Anonymousreply 58February 16, 2019 12:10 PM

R53 I know that people with diabetes can have breath that smells like alcohol and wild mood swings, and that is one reason I opt out of speculating about her. Whether the cause is a physical illness or anything else, I can’t control or influence anyone’s mental instability. My only problems with her are that she is rather paranoid and therefore defensive and sometimes targets people in reaction to that and that she is in charge of HR and by virtue of being unstable is incapable of doing anything but the paperwork part of the job.

But that said, HR really works on behalf of employers, not employees, and can’t influence who people are in their hearts. Since some people are cruel or vicious or just have a cruel or vicious streak, my searching is really for a deeper explanation of why. And I do realize different people have different motivations and I will never get a satisfying answer, but since some people here on DL are REALLY mean—telling depressed people to kill themselves, for example, and mocking anyone who doesn’t look like a creatine-built porn star—I thought this would be a reasonable forum to ask people who seem so proudly cruel what their motivations are. What’s the payoff? Do you say horrible things that make people wither because it makes your day brighter? I just don’t understand it, whether people say it to others’ faces or anonymously on an online forum. What’s the big incentive to harm other people?

by Anonymousreply 59February 16, 2019 12:11 PM

Being a victim in her presence only gives her more power. Next time, just glare at her and be silent - she will keep talking and wind up looking like the fool.

by Anonymousreply 60February 16, 2019 12:13 PM

R53, it could also be that she’s a drunk.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 61February 16, 2019 12:13 PM

What a cunt. She's a fucking nazi, give her the stink eye, don't talk to her. I can't come kick her ass for you but now I feel like it.

by Anonymousreply 62February 16, 2019 12:13 PM

R55, I didn't say the diabetes was an excuse for saying op has a big dick. I was explaining the alcohol breath and mood swings. I also said she is an idiot. I don't think she is a victim and a wonderful person.

by Anonymousreply 63February 16, 2019 12:15 PM

Ugh. I feel for you. I was just thinking this morning how being bullied throughout my school years has effected my life. I’m older now, and thankful it ended and I look back and am relieved that life was not as horrible as the first 18 years of my life would lead me to believe it was going to be.

Two things: Don’t give her any power over you and like an earlier poster suggested, just be cool to her from now on. She’s shown her true colors and you not need that. Second, do you have a big dick as the HR cunt suggested? Because if so, you’ll always be attractive!

by Anonymousreply 64February 16, 2019 12:15 PM

R64 Nope. Perfectly average in every way.

by Anonymousreply 65February 16, 2019 12:17 PM

Do you live in flyoverstan, OP?

by Anonymousreply 66February 16, 2019 12:19 PM

... and that’s why I want to work from home. Or never work in an office again. Sounds toxic to me. Cliquey assholes.

OP, these people, specifically that woman, are awful. This is not a reflection of you, but her. What a nasty, rude human. People need to get lives. I’m sure you’re not the only target of her insults. If I heard someone say that specifically at work I’d be shocked.

To be honest, I’d probably quit the job. It’s not worth it. I’m 40 (and a nice, regular person) as well and I can’t be bothered with an environment that is abusive. That’s not normal. Especially if HR or management is ineffective. Certainly don’t put weight into what they’re saying.

by Anonymousreply 67February 16, 2019 12:20 PM

I’m over the “hurt people hurt people” hypothesis.

People hurt people for sport. We’re now seeing this at the top of politics and all the people who support this evil administration. We saw it during World War II. People will turn on a time to cause injury and pain to others as soon as an opportunity arises, just as a means of passing time and gaining advantage, and I am pretty tired of the excuses.

And no, R66; I live in Washington, D.C.

by Anonymousreply 68February 16, 2019 12:24 PM

The best way to interact with people is as infrequently as possible.

by Anonymousreply 69February 16, 2019 12:25 PM

The sad reality of many people is that they are miserable, both wretchedly unhappy AND pitiably small and inadequate.

They lash out to make themselves feel better about their lives. But since they are also cowards, they do so against people they perceive as weaker or unable to to fight. They other people will go along because they don't want to become perceived as weak as well, and thus, the next target.

Unfortunately OP, predators always go for the weakest animal in the herd because it's the easiest to bring down, and you're it.

by Anonymousreply 70February 16, 2019 12:27 PM

OP, I hate workplace stuff like that. Some people are clueless, rude, insensitive, un-empathetic. Try to remember it says more about who they are as a person than you? What R64 and others said, try not to assign it too much power. This stuff is hard. Devise a plan to confront it or make light of it next time?

by Anonymousreply 71February 16, 2019 12:28 PM

To R70's point, being nice or kind or shy or quiet doesn't mean you are weak but yes you might have to step up and not let a bully control the situation.

by Anonymousreply 72February 16, 2019 12:30 PM

OP why do you care about other people? Just answer: “Me too, I love you” with a big smile to what ever they say.

by Anonymousreply 73February 16, 2019 12:36 PM

R73 I don’t care anymore. I really don’t care about other people anymore, or about what they think about me—not much, anyway, particularly compared with the more naive and far more self-conscious me of five-plus years ago. I was very ill throughout most of my 30s, miraculously got better, and I am grateful for my life and frankly proud of myself. I am a bit of a pollyanna at heart and it makes me deeply sad when people say and do vicious things for no reason other than causing other people pain and suffering. I don’t think I will ever overcome that aspect of who I am. I do, though, believe wholeheartedly now that there’s a very good reason I am somewhat agoraphobic and avoid people whenever possible: most people cause damage to other people, and if I am going to continue appreciating my life, then I probably should accept that it’s perfectly reasonable to stay away from human beings.

by Anonymousreply 74February 16, 2019 12:44 PM

The crazy part is she might have thought she was being fun and funny. Christ, what an asshole. Maybe she comes from a family where she'd talk to her people that way. She knew she went over the line at least. Ignoring what people say is goals for sure.

by Anonymousreply 75February 16, 2019 12:49 PM

Well, R65, in that case, fuck you.

by Anonymousreply 76February 16, 2019 12:51 PM

[quote] The cruelty here on DL is anonymous and not directly to anyone's face

Bingo R56

Online cruelty is common because there are no ramifications--you can't see the person you just lashed out at

by Anonymousreply 77February 16, 2019 12:53 PM

[quote] Hello to all the vile and awful people who frequent The DL and who take joy in hurting others! I have questions for you.

Why insult the people you want to answer your question? You see yourself as a sensitive, gentle flower, but that passive aggressive move, which you repeat later in the post, suggests otherwise.

by Anonymousreply 78February 16, 2019 12:56 PM

The worm turns...

by Anonymousreply 79February 16, 2019 12:58 PM

R78 I have been coming to The DL for many years, and it’s no secret among people who have that a lot of the people who frequent this site are proud of their mean comments. They often compete to out-nasty one another. It’s hardly an insult. I’m referring to and appealing to those people who are so proudly unkind when I ask why—what is the benefit to you of hurting other people? I posted the comment to ask those people that question. And I know through experience that if I post a sincere and heartfelt question here without any snark, the immediate and consistent response will be attacks along the lines of “kill yourself, OP.”

by Anonymousreply 80February 16, 2019 1:04 PM

Bullies do it to feel powerful and even admired, OP.

But I don't think that's the main motive for these women in your office. I think the woman who said those things was trying to defend you and your relationship with the married co-worker and mock the homophobic husband for being a dumbass.

She wanted to hurt HIM more because he was hurting you and the wifey and he deserves it.

But she did put down your looks and mannerisms in the process, which was cruel and trashy. I'm surprised she said it to your face; I hope you thanked her.

She may have thought you were comfortable and happy with being the way you are, but it was still tacky. She's obviously a touch homophobic and lookist herself. You're clearly not the type of guy she's attracted to and she expects all men to be what she's attracted to -- that's why she's mean.

I wouldn't feel too broken up about losing a relationship and esteem with just another basic bigot. And I would distance myself from her and start calling her out on her bullshit if she got in my way at work.

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and people are worth more than looks anyhow.

by Anonymousreply 81February 16, 2019 1:11 PM

OP has autism. My deepest sympathies to everyone in your life.

by Anonymousreply 82February 16, 2019 1:13 PM

Thanks, R81. I think that’s a reasonable and well-considered response, and I appreciate it and will take your thoughts into consideration.

by Anonymousreply 83February 16, 2019 1:13 PM

How nice of r8 to invalidate the OP's feelings, too!

by Anonymousreply 84February 16, 2019 1:18 PM

Make an EEO complaint. Seriously HR lives for that. Now I know from numerous training opportunities that the only thing you can openly criticize people for is their education.

by Anonymousreply 85February 16, 2019 1:19 PM

OMG, you dumb fucks will believe anything! Why did you waste your time replying?

As for me, this gets a 0/10.

by Anonymousreply 86February 16, 2019 1:25 PM

OP, just how ugly are you?

by Anonymousreply 87February 16, 2019 1:25 PM

R87 On the whole a pretty average 40 year old gay geek, I think, but with acne scarring about which I have been self-conscious all my life (hence crying when another gay told me I look like a reptile—my skin is a very sensitive point) and a snaggletooth.

by Anonymousreply 88February 16, 2019 1:33 PM

Spend the weekend finding all the things about yourself that you like and celebrate those things. Take a positive attitude to work with you and keep it there. I would never let someone know that something they said hurt me to the point that I hated my job. Fuck her. She's an ignorant, stupid woman. I bet someone else laid into her when you weren't around to cause her the guilt and good enough.

No matter how nice, polite, rich, poor, fat, thin etc that we are, there will always be people who do not like us for some reason. Let it be there problem and don't make it yours.

Have a great weekend OP!!

by Anonymousreply 89February 16, 2019 1:35 PM

OP knows people on DL are not saying these things to anybody's face in an office kitchen or would say to anybody in a professional setting 'I bet you've got a big dick!'(II hope.) If true he works in a horribly dysfunctional place where what is going on merits the attentions of a workplace harassment lawyer not DL.

A letter from a lawyer to your boss would change things real fast. If you can't be bothered take your EST to a more charitable bunch of people who tolerate nonsense.

by Anonymousreply 90February 16, 2019 1:40 PM

This. Never. Happened.

by Anonymousreply 91February 16, 2019 1:41 PM

I do realize everything is subjective. I have contemplated suicide many times because of my skin scarring. Once, many years ago, I was feeling desperate about it and I entered “I hate my skin” into Google...the result was devastating. I thought I might find people who had damaged skin; instead, I came across endless websites where black people lamented their skin color and some said they were “cursed” with dark skin and that they wanted to end their lives because of it. Some of them posted photos and I was aghast because most of them had beautiful, buttery-smooth skin that I would swap in a second—or at least I think I would, but nowadays I realize how terribly dark-skinned people are treated.

Again, I didn’t post this to lament my appearance or to cry victim; but instead to ask the people who regularly post cruel and nasty comments here WHY they do it. I know better than to expect serious and thoughtful responses from those people, but it’s worth a shot. There’s an overabundance of viciousness and cruelty among the people who post here, so I’m still hoping to gain some insight from a few people who perhaps have the courage to explain what motivates them to say things intended to hurt other people. I know a lot of you who are reading this take joy in saying things intended to cause pain. It’s an objective reality in this world. I am just asking for some candor about why you do it. What is the payoff? Is it lasting?

by Anonymousreply 92February 16, 2019 1:44 PM

R90 and R91 Yes, this did happen yesterday in the kitchen at my office. Yes, the prior incident did happen years ago. And yes, the HR person’s bipolar mood swings and bizarre and completely inappropriate comments have happened, and I have worked with that person since 2008.

by Anonymousreply 93February 16, 2019 1:46 PM

R93 (OP) Then why haven't you done something more effective than write to us?

by Anonymousreply 94February 16, 2019 1:57 PM

So why aren't you seeing a lawyer?

by Anonymousreply 95February 16, 2019 1:58 PM

Because I am not seeking retribution. I’m not sure how to make that clearer...I feel like I keep responding the same way but people are overlooking the reason I posted this. Please see the last few sentences of R92 if you really don’t understand the point of this. I am not here for legal advice. I am asking people who frequent this site to post words that are hurtful about other people to come out of the woodwork and explain why they do it. Yes, in posting this question I knew that I was setting myself up to be called further names by people and for all sorts of tangential conversations, but the question remains.

For people who draw a distinction on the grounds that DL posters post their cruel words anonymously, to me there is not a great distinction. Celebrities, for example, still come across these threads about themselves, and believe it or not they are still human beings who can suffer when they read vicious comments posted by anonymous people. To the posters, it’s just sport—fun at the expense of offending or hurting others. So what is the basis of the fun? What is enjoyable about saying things intended to hurt people, whether you hide behind anonymity or say it to their faces? Yes, in my case I have to co-occupy space with my callous coworkers. But the point of the question is to understand motivations and payoffs. I may end up writing fictions influenced by my job (I studied writing.) once I gain an emotional distance, and I always seek to better understand human nature. And so I am asking. Fire away with further insults or accusations if you want. The question is still hanging out there.

by Anonymousreply 96February 16, 2019 2:09 PM

It's possible we'll never understand it, OP. It could be boredom, a lack of empathy, bad childhoods, aggressive personalities. Some people are mean. On DL, don't expect too much. It could be ANYONE in the world. Someone could drink a litre of vodka in St. Petersburg and jump on here and respond in any way with no consequences.

by Anonymousreply 97February 16, 2019 2:19 PM

You know the schoolyard cliche, right OP? Maybe she likes you! It's a juvenile way to get your attention.

by Anonymousreply 98February 16, 2019 2:21 PM

If she had pulled my hair, then I could buy that, R98. Suggesting someone is too faggy and ugly for anyone to find attractive would be a really bizarre way of winning someone’s affection.

by Anonymousreply 99February 16, 2019 2:28 PM

OP, I don't know exactly why but I hate you.

by Anonymousreply 100February 16, 2019 2:29 PM

R100 I’m not the least bit surprised. Thanks for your insights.

by Anonymousreply 101February 16, 2019 2:31 PM

OP, you have a weird office if you all talk about such things openly. I didn’t even know the number of kids some of my coworkers had- the other extreme, I guess.

If you have a corporate environment, go to HR a and say “sexual harassment”, “hostile work environment”, and “anti-gay harassment”. Though, I would first look-up the “Gay” matter, because, while such harassment is illegal in my state, you can still be fired for being Gay in other states.

Research that shit, and go in Tuesday armed with the Constitution!

by Anonymousreply 102February 16, 2019 2:35 PM

R102 I work for a small nonprofit. All small nonprofits I know of have fucked-up, familylike office dynamics. In any case, there is nothing corporate about it. I have often fantasized about working for a company that is profit- and therefore productivity-driven because nonprofits tend to be driven by fulfillment of their CEOs’ egos. Read Glassdoor reviews of most nonprofits and you’ll see that executives dominate and behave like dictators and middle managers and lower-level staff are worker bees who are usually committed to the organizations’ missions. I accepted that a long time ago, but I do resent having to spend my days with people whose personality disorders are allowed to blossom.

by Anonymousreply 103February 16, 2019 2:47 PM

Why not get the snaggletooth fixed?

by Anonymousreply 104February 16, 2019 2:49 PM

R96 "I may end up writing fictions influenced by my job (I studied writing.) once I gain an emotional distance, and I always seek to better understand human nature. And so I am asking."

So it IS an EST.

by Anonymousreply 105February 16, 2019 2:54 PM

R104 Because it’s a shitload of money and time to “fix” teeth that are not broken, I am already 40, and I don’t want to fix something that functions just fine. As I said above, I was extremely ill throughout most of my 30s and I spent a lot of time suffering and a lot of money seeking medical treatment. I am feeling better now at 40 than I did for most of the past decade, and I am not really motivated to get orthodontics I’ll have to wear for the rest of my life, or to have a healthy tooth sawed off and replaced with a $3,000 piece of ceramic that will fall off in eight years. An unusual personal choice, perhaps, but my choice just the same.

by Anonymousreply 106February 16, 2019 2:54 PM

r/thathappened

by Anonymousreply 107February 16, 2019 3:06 PM

People don't need a reason to hurt each other.

by Anonymousreply 108February 16, 2019 3:11 PM

If this is any consolation, you are far more evolved than she is. Think of it like this, she is still in kindergarten and hasn't yet learned how to deal and be nice to others. You are in high school and can just brush her off as being immature, childish and ignorant. Don't be angry or hurt, just see her as pitiful that she has lived this long and hasn't learned much and be grateful that you do not behave this way. When I come across people like this I always think, thank God I'm not like that. Eventually life catches up to them and they start paying for the way they have behaved.

by Anonymousreply 109February 16, 2019 3:14 PM

OP, report the rude co-worker to Human Resources and file a formal complaint.

by Anonymousreply 110February 16, 2019 3:21 PM

R109 Thanks for the consoling. I wish that I could choose to view life through such rosy glasses, but that karma stuff isn’t the way I see life work out. Vicious people do tend to rise to the top, or at least enough do to negate the notion of people spiritually paying for soullessness and cruelty. The Trump family obviously flouts all moral and ethical and legal considerations with full immunity. Putin, Kim Jong Un and his father, every other dictator. The Kardashians, the Hiltons, Andy Cohen and his merry band of chardonnay-drunk housewives. Life today is an endless parade of people who are rewarded not only materially but with public esteem the worse they become, from Jeff Bezos to Steve Jobs to Mark Zuckerberg. You have to be a literal serial rapist to suffer any consequences at all for being terrible. The majority of this site’s threads are dedicated to narcissists from Instagram or porn, or to people like Joan Crawford, a child abuser with indemnity. And I don’t say that to shame people, but to acknowledge reality that countermands the whole good-people-are-rewarded fantasy.

by Anonymousreply 111February 16, 2019 3:24 PM

[quote] Yes, this did happen yesterday in the kitchen at my office.

Don't go into the kitchen.

by Anonymousreply 112February 16, 2019 3:28 PM

Stop trying to understand such people because there's nothing you can do to change them. Their behavior is hard-wired by this point in their lives and they don't see anything wrong with what they do. They really don't. They don't care about you or your reactions, all they care about is what they get out of the encounter. If it's done to feel better about themselves, then that's what they'll do. You could be anyone, since they're always looking for victims. No one matters to them but them. So shut them down when they start their shit. Literally turn your back on them, ask them what's their point, tell them you're not interested in hearing what they have to say, etc. Make yourself a wall they can't penetrate. They'll soon find someone else to bully.

by Anonymousreply 113February 16, 2019 3:33 PM

To shut them down he has to see a lawyer but he is so awash in self pity he doesn't get that there are no answers. He comes to DL for entertaining bitchiness yet wants to know why people are so heartless. He likes playing the victim. He like being harassed so he can go around singing 'Easy to be Hard.'

In other words OP you are begging for it. If you want a safe non threatening work place you have to demand it. But oh that would be retribution! You are so full of shit.

by Anonymousreply 114February 16, 2019 3:48 PM

This, frankly, has EST written all over it. The presupposition is that gay men are a bunch of limp wristed nancy boys who can’t or won’t fight back. Seriously - the premise that we break down in tears over an insult by some broke down stump mule of an office bitch?

Don’t think so. Really don’t think so, Aunt ESTer.

by Anonymousreply 115February 16, 2019 3:58 PM

Lashing out online is a recreation sport. It gives me great pleasure. I don’t feel guilty at all , because millions of people do it.

by Anonymousreply 116February 16, 2019 4:10 PM

OP these rude people are attracted to the amount of power you let them have over you.

by Anonymousreply 117February 16, 2019 4:18 PM

I recently retired and cannot tell you the joy of NOT being forced to interact with horrible people on an hourly basis in the workplace.

In groups, and at work in particular, people revert to pack and survival tactics.

When you are singled out as weak and easily attacked, do not be surprised if people attack you.

It is social Darwinism.

by Anonymousreply 118February 16, 2019 4:34 PM

OP it sounds as if she is one of those people who gets her self-worth from forming alliances that make her feel like an insider. By sharing the friendly frau’s secret about the hunky hot gym treat, she is (a) showing the rest of you that she is the frau’s confidante and giggle-buddy and (b) that she’s got a little dirt on the frau. You were collateral damage—using you as a comparison model gave her the ability to tell her tale of insider information and therefore her status as trusted friend.

She sounds very insecure. A lot of women who struggled with wanting to be popular in school do this. The easiest way to deal with this is to catch her up at the moment: Whoa! Are you okay? Because I know if you were okay you wouldn’t be saying such inappropriate things to either me or to frau.

Depending on the situation, you can do this in the group or pull her aside, but I would recommend doing it in the group so she doesn’t twist the tale when she vents about it—as she will

by Anonymousreply 119February 16, 2019 4:35 PM

If she knew she had done wrong and was following you around hoping for your forgiveness, next time, go on the offensive. Ask her why she is so obsessed with you. Then tell her to get a life. Then ice her for a few days. Trust me, the power dynamic will flip. If she comments about your looks, immediately ask her if she owns a mirror.

by Anonymousreply 120February 16, 2019 4:40 PM

[quote]I don’t feel guilty at all , because millions of people do it.

That's one of the most intellectually lazy excuses that people use to justify their own shitty behavior. The truth is, you do it because you don't care about other people and because it's easy for you to be mean.

by Anonymousreply 121February 16, 2019 4:43 PM

R121, shut up you ugly pig!

by Anonymousreply 122February 16, 2019 4:45 PM

They confuse being mean with being witty.

by Anonymousreply 123February 16, 2019 4:46 PM

R122, read R123.

by Anonymousreply 124February 16, 2019 4:48 PM

Whether the woman momentarily forgot about social norms or whether this is typical behavior for her, you have good reason to feel cautious around her. She has shown her true colors, so to speak. I would treat her quite cooly from this point forward. Civil, but cool - no "hi, how are you, how're the kids?" or any other indication that you care about her in the slightest. Most likely, she will come begging to you, "please forgive me, I'm so sorry, I know I was wrong", etc. To which you reply, "I don't hate you but I don't trust you. What you said was very hurtful to me, and you continued saying abusive things even after being warned that it was hurtful. It may be that over time your actions and words will allow me to regain my trust in you, but it will take a lot of time. In the meantime, you are a co-worker and I believe in a functioning office, so I promise I will continue to treat you with professionalism".

by Anonymousreply 125February 16, 2019 4:59 PM

Nobody on DL says this to anybody's face so it's a completely false analogy. And if you are idiot enough to google yourself you deserve what you get.

by Anonymousreply 126February 16, 2019 5:00 PM

r111 just because they look like they get what they want you have no idea what they go thru. Maybe they are mentally tormented. Maybe they suffer physically. Just because you can't see it doesn't mean that they don't pay in some way. Maybe you need a pair of rose colored glasses because it looks far better with them on than to dwell on what you see with them off.

by Anonymousreply 127February 16, 2019 5:05 PM

OP your friend separation with her husband should have never been a subject of conversation with your colleagues, the fact that you work for the same company doesn't make the office a friendly place, sometime it's better to separate friendship and colleague. When you have friends at work, you can end up in a situation of competition or jealousy and turn enemy. It's worst than school.

At work, I am sitting next to a girl who decided about 6 months ago that my opinion had no value and that everytime I was involved in a conversation my input was an "intrusion". especially for personal conversations, where she think I should mind my own business, when really I don't do gossip (outside DL). She stays professional but has already talked to me a couple of time like if I was an annoying little sister asking her a stupid question. I have learnt to keep my opinion for myself and wait for her to leave for a cigarette break to talk to my other colleagues sitting opposite to me. If it was just that I would be able to handle the situation, but my other colleague with who I am friend has started to avoid me, just because she is taking side and it's seems to be ok to cut me off the conversations. It's not the first time people avoided me at work, but last time it was because I was about to be fired from my job and nobody wanted to befriend the girl who is about to get the kick (it might be contagious!). The only reason why this kind of situation exist, it's because I let them do that. I just withdraw and focus on other people who still talk to me, when I can find some.

by Anonymousreply 128February 16, 2019 5:10 PM

Just for the record, it sounds like she was calling the husband ugly and not you.

by Anonymousreply 129February 16, 2019 5:16 PM

Being mean on DL is often an affectation which doesn’t make us experts on people who actually are mean.

by Anonymousreply 130February 16, 2019 5:17 PM

R111 lol Do you really see the Housewives as being "at the top"? I would be horrified if that stuff that came out about them came out about me and my family. Not worth the meager salary. And since you seem to equate being at the top with money, most of the housewives don't have that either.

Kim Kardashian has a mentally ill husband, which means the kids she won't stop having may also be mentally ill. Said children will also delight in some day seeing her sex tape. Is that so great? Kourtney's aging mug was made a fool of by the father of her children who is now with a hot 20 year old. Khloe's boyfriend is also the boyfriend of many other women. Let's not even get into Rob. Is anyone even watching his daughter? And all of the children are unattractive.

Would you want to be a Trump in this day and age??

I won't address the Hiltons because no-one cares about them anymore.

If OP posted this, maybe it's a perception problem you are having?

by Anonymousreply 131February 16, 2019 5:23 PM

OP,you are a DLer, so I am sure you have seen the posts about cosmetic work !! I know you have had medical problems in the past, but rather than considering suicide, why not look into some laser resurfacing or microdermabrasion? You could take an extended vacation from your toxic cesspool of a job and come back refreshed?

by Anonymousreply 132February 16, 2019 5:31 PM

Trolling gives me a chemical high. It’s a great outlet for boredom and anger.

by Anonymousreply 133February 16, 2019 5:36 PM

-10/10

Trying too hard, OP. Too many ingredients thrown into the pot.

Keep it simple next time.

by Anonymousreply 134February 16, 2019 5:36 PM

[quote] Hello to all the vile and awful people who frequent The DL and who take joy in hurting others! I have questions for you.

So you are complaining OTHER people are mean and yet you start out by insulting all of us?

Sounds like you're getting back what you're putting out into the world.

by Anonymousreply 135February 16, 2019 5:42 PM

[quote] So my question to the mean people of The DL who delight in hurting other people is simply: Why? What is it about causing other people pain that so delights you?

Obviously it gives you great pleasure too given how much name-calling you've done against DLers starting with your first post.

This has been a great troll for you.

by Anonymousreply 136February 16, 2019 5:47 PM

[quote] I feel like I keep responding the same way but people are overlooking the reason I posted this.

No, people understand exactly why you posted this.

by Anonymousreply 137February 16, 2019 5:49 PM

Sorry that happened OP, but only truly miserable people try and hurt people that way. They may pretend to be happy and confident, but inside they're an insecure unhappy cut of a human being. You obviously have some quality they envy, as they wanted you to hear. Living well is your best revenge. Fuck that bitch.

by Anonymousreply 138February 16, 2019 5:50 PM

There are millions of trolls out there. It’s a fun outlet.

by Anonymousreply 139February 16, 2019 5:53 PM

Does she store her lunch in the break room refrigerator?

Punish her damn food.

My former manager treated me like shit. She always kept a bunch of thin deli meats in the refrigerator and made a point tell us not to even touch it.

One day I discreetly took her container of meat into the bathroom. I went crazy wiping the different toilet bowls with them so it picked up every piece of Filth.

I discreetly placed a container of meat back. Then I almost couldn't stop laughing when I saw her eating it.

You rationalize the shit that you do to keep yourself sane.

by Anonymousreply 140February 16, 2019 6:17 PM

Op...this happens to us all. Of course, it hurts. You need to keep pushing it out of your head and carry on with your day....doing lots of good things for yourself along the way.

People on the internet are mean because they’re unhappy....

by Anonymousreply 141February 16, 2019 6:48 PM

What r8 said. And get some self-esteem ffs.

by Anonymousreply 142February 16, 2019 7:00 PM

I disagree r141, I think they get rush out of antagonizing people.

by Anonymousreply 143February 16, 2019 7:01 PM

That made me laugh R140.

by Anonymousreply 144February 16, 2019 7:24 PM

Tainting people’s food is illegal, so no.

by Anonymousreply 145February 16, 2019 7:31 PM

I'm sure OP's co-workers could give us an earful on who really makes this environment toxic.

by Anonymousreply 146February 16, 2019 7:57 PM

Two choices: answer her with 'i know you are, but what am I?' Or get a dog. Like Mark Twain said 'the more I know people, the more I like my dog.'

by Anonymousreply 147February 16, 2019 7:59 PM

OP, watch and wait until you manage to get some dirt on your tormentor. Revenge is a dish best served cold, and wonderfully cathartic.

I waited 10 years until I got revenge on an ex-colleague. He never knew what hit him.

by Anonymousreply 148February 16, 2019 8:15 PM

When people show you who they are, believe them -

by Anonymousreply 149February 16, 2019 8:18 PM

An old friend of mine was once grossly insulted in front of work colleagues and turned to the insulter and said " They say to be insulted by a fool is actually a compliment. So thank you very much! He turned and walked away leaving the insulter red-faced.

by Anonymousreply 150February 16, 2019 8:35 PM

I dunno. I get your meanings when you say I am ‘easy prey’ and make myself vulnerable to be attacked, but in this era, I really have absolutely zero interest in trumping (pardon the pun) any juvenile behaviors and insults with more juvenile behaviors and insults. I am desperate to live in an adult world again.

by Anonymousreply 151February 16, 2019 8:37 PM

You need to develop the skin of a rhinoceros and just let barbs bounce off you.....it takes time. You also need to stop worrying about what other people think of you and begin to love yourself.

by Anonymousreply 152February 16, 2019 8:42 PM

There’s a difference to me between a witty barb and someone sitting in front of me and suggesting I am too faggoty and too ugly for anyone to ever find romantically attractive.

by Anonymousreply 153February 16, 2019 8:51 PM

OP, people post hurtful comments on DataLounge, and the rest of internet, because it makes us feel powerful and superior. It provides comedic relief for the things we can't control in life.

Whether that's life's injustices, violations of our ideals or — more often than not — envy.

Everybody's digging for reasons to feel superior to other people and ways to drag the high and mighty down to their level. It's hard to do it with actions, so people use their minds to rationalize, diss and dismiss others.

But before you complain too much about it, bear in mind that "saying hurtful things" is justified a lot of the time. Because the object of the scorn is hurting others himself.

e.g. I would have no problem ridiculing the chick who denigrated your looks and mannerisms gratuitously.

Should we all just sit quietly by contented while Donald Trump corrupts and dismantles our democracy?

Should we be happy when Chechnya throws gays into death camps to be tortured? Should we not ridicule that and hurt the dictators who do that?

Should we just ignore when terrorists flatten the World Trade Center and let Al Qaeda be?

No. We should hurt them in return. We should criticize, hate, ridicule and stop them.

So don't knock "Hate" when there's so much injustice in this world and people always feel entitled to hurt others.

Hurting and embarrassing wrongdoers can SAVE LIVES and create happier, healthier situations as much as bullying can depress and destroy people. IT ALL DEPENDS.

Don't be one of these morons with absolute disdain for all bullying. You have to bully for justice in this world!

by Anonymousreply 154February 16, 2019 8:52 PM

What hit him, r148?

by Anonymousreply 155February 16, 2019 8:53 PM

You should have said " I would love to see what you see when You look in a mirror " and then said " Can I buy that mirror?"

by Anonymousreply 156February 16, 2019 8:54 PM

Investigation and prosecution by the UK tax authorities.

It sure felt good after what he had done to me.

by Anonymousreply 157February 16, 2019 8:57 PM

You're not a sociopath, r144.

You're just a pathetic, passive-aggressive coward who makes life miserable.

Why don't you find a different job if you're sick of your manager?

by Anonymousreply 158February 16, 2019 8:58 PM

This is what I learned..

Take a close look at who may be insulting you - then take a look at yourself.

Are you prettier than that person? perhaps funnier? perhaps your're taller? perhaps they worship something that you find repellent?

There is ALWAYS something behind a person insulting another person that's not the surface...

I remember some Broadway queens who I mocked over the ridiculousness of musical theater (obsessing over third rate actors like they were Garbo)- One said"We'll - you're short!" That was the best they had...Sigh..

and WHY didn't you give an insult right back?

You come off a little Lilian Gish-y...they poke you - poke right back...or worse - smile smugly...

by Anonymousreply 159February 16, 2019 9:08 PM

When your inner-critic voice or your memory drags up unpleasant memories, tell it to STFU. Then immediately think of the an awesome place you've visited, your funniest friends, fun times shopping , time you spent helping others, or whatever else that's pleasant in your life. With practice, you can teach your mind to stop revisiting past shitty situations which will help you.

by Anonymousreply 160February 16, 2019 9:14 PM

[quote] There’s a difference to me between a witty barb and someone sitting in front of me and suggesting I am too faggoty and too ugly for anyone to ever find romantically attractive.

OP, so you're saying starting off your post with "Hello to all the vile and awful people who frequent The DL and who take joy in hurting others!" is a "witty barb"???

You're not so witty as you suppose, and it is clear you too enjoy being bitchy and mean.

I think you need to take a good long look in the mirror. Whether this is a troll or honest, it's clear you're not the sainted martyr you think you are. You're as bad as the people attacking you, even though you give yourself the benefit of the doubt but do not extend it to them.

I've yet to see you admit even once that you're snarky yourself, even though you keep complaining about all the mean kids who snark on you.

by Anonymousreply 161February 16, 2019 9:16 PM

Take it from R 89 OP,,, be a good, honest and nice person to everyone around you. That bitch will suffer in the end... what goes around comes around. I know this all to well. I lived it.

by Anonymousreply 162February 16, 2019 10:26 PM

Hate begets hate. The best revenge is always to live well, show joy, and be completely indifferent towards any possible haters.

by Anonymousreply 163February 16, 2019 10:31 PM

OP, there are some witchcraft/spells threads here. Ask for a spell to make her ways come back to her.

by Anonymousreply 164February 16, 2019 10:38 PM

“May the love you give and the hurt you cause fall back upon you tenfold.” I’m on it.

by Anonymousreply 165February 16, 2019 10:41 PM

You think YOU have been emotionally damaged, OP??? Talk to a few people who witnessed their families hacked to death during genocides in Africa.

by Anonymousreply 166February 17, 2019 1:27 AM

Thanks, guys. You've given me a lot to think about. I realize how lucky I've been in comparison to a lot of other people. I'm going to try and learn from this incident

by Anonymousreply 167February 17, 2019 7:32 AM

Words are words they only matter if we own their truth.

by Anonymousreply 168February 17, 2019 7:43 AM

R167 thank YOU!

by Anonymousreply 169February 17, 2019 7:53 AM

OP you have two courses of action if this bothers you so much even though you enjoy exulting in your woe is me the world is a cruel and lonely place predicament.

You know what they are and refuse to take them. Did your family hate and beat you? Is this some sort of masturbatory fantasy come true? Us horrible terrible people who you come to advise you know are just going to trash you. What is this obsession you have with the pain of humiliation? Does this confirmation of your worthlessness give you some sort of emotional stability and comfort?

by Anonymousreply 170February 17, 2019 11:35 AM

R163’s advice is spot on.

A poster upthread also recommended cognitive therapy books. I second that recommendation. “Feeling Good” by Dr. David Burns is the best and will help give you some great perspective. I know it helped me.

by Anonymousreply 171February 17, 2019 12:12 PM

People who mistreat others online let their inner POS show because they're gutless cowards who would never have the guts to say the things they say to a person's face. Most of them have massive inferiority complexes and hurting others, even people they will never meet, builds up their level of self importance and power, which shows how pitiful they are. More often than not they have miserable lives and get joy out of thinking they've made at least one other person's life as miserable as their own.

Now, that bitch at your workplace sounds like a typical workplace bully who probably thinks no one can do anything about her fresh mouth. If I had been in your shoes I would have immediately confronted her, preferably in front of others so she wouldn't be able to tell any lies about what you did or said. You need to let her know if she every says anything about you again in the workplace you'll start filing complaints against her. The first step with lowlifes like her is the put a good scare into them. If they don't stop then do exactly what you said you'd do.

by Anonymousreply 172February 17, 2019 12:29 PM

R172 She said it in front of two other coworkers, who are both friends of mine and, like me, only workplace acquaintances of hers. One of them joined me in urging her to stop after she laughed uproariously at her insinuation that I am flamboyantly gay, but she just went on with “I’m sorry, no offense but...he doesn’t seem like your type...like that guy in the gym, the VERY ATTRACTIVE [laughs]—sorry!”

😐

I can’t help feeling bad about it. I’ve tried to distract myself this weekend. I went to an art class, I watched a Shakespeare play, I’ve been cleaning, sleeping. I can’t get it out of my head. This is why I can’t understand people who say hurtful things intentionally. Words like that are weapons; they may only be a fleeting trifle to the people who say them, but they are seeds that take root in people’s minds.

This is, in my mind, the difference between my original post in which I appealed to the proudly self-identified “mean girls” of The DL and what this person said to me. A LOT of people on this site intentionally write nasty things, and so I wanted insight into their mindsets. Many people here seem proud to be as mean as they can be, and so it did not seem to me that calling these people what they call themselves could have the sort of lasting effect that calling someone faggy or ugly to his face has. If it does, then I do apologize. Either way, I will take it into consideration if I post here in the future. After seeing more pro-Trump propagandists posting here this morning, though, I think it may be time to break the habit if this site. Maybe it is making me even more aware of how mean people can be and how much they delight in it, and I do not need to see people rallying support for Donald Trump’s most egregious offenses here any longer.

by Anonymousreply 173February 17, 2019 12:48 PM

I do appreciate the advice that was offered legitimately here, though. Thanks to those of you who bothered.

by Anonymousreply 174February 17, 2019 12:49 PM

OP, if she (or anyone else) ever does something like that again you should just say to her (preferably in front of others), "exactly what happened in your life that would make you so hateful and demeaning toward another person?". Then just turn and walk away to let her stand there and stew in her own juices.

You have to put people like that on the spot, in front of others. They have to be shamed and embarrassed publicly.

by Anonymousreply 175February 17, 2019 12:56 PM

What happened t o the female boss who ate the toilet meat, r140?

by Anonymousreply 176February 17, 2019 1:49 PM

Monday, and I still feel like shit and can’t get this out of my mind. I am 40, chronically single, no prospects, laughably gay and ugly, apparently. I can’t stop dwelling on it. I really wish I didn’t have to interact with people to pay my bills.

by Anonymousreply 177February 18, 2019 5:45 PM

This will all work out for you in the end, OP. The woman has already been contrite and hopefully will correct her behavior in the future. You have 2 friends at work who stuck up for you.

Your statement at R177 shows that you are making negative affirmations about yourself that are self-perpetuating, and now that you know this, you can change. Less attractive people should develop their personalities and characters. I would say you have a good character, but not a great personality yet. Start talking to and befriending less attractive people and you will find that all the pretty people are pretty shallow, and are wallowing in their smug empty satisfaction while your friends discuss wider and more important issues.

You could try to talk to the woman at work, or smile and radiate forgiveness. Everyone here is telling you it is her flaw that would say those things to you, and you sound like you handled it maturely, and have some real perspective.

You could also try positive affirmations, like, I am a wonderful person, I like myself, and when I am ready I will meet a great person who treats me well and adores me.

I don't have to interact with people to pay my bills anymore, but I do have rageaholics in my immediate family. It is hard to get away from problems, and yet there are wonderful people in the world still yet to get to know.

by Anonymousreply 178February 18, 2019 6:28 PM

I’m trying, R178, but I am haunted by a cacophany of negative thoughts. I lost my mother one year ago and haven’t recovered from that loss. I feel very alone. Losing the one person who truly believed in me, coupled with people laughing at me where I have to go in order to pay my bills, is overwhelming. I am feeling sorry for myself now, and I really hate that, but my ego is compulsively battering me and won’t let me put it out of my mind. I may have to resort to taking a Klonopin or something to calm down. This has been a miserable weekend. I thought I was over the traumas of my adolescence when people called me names and degraded me in school every day for six years, but this is honestly taking me back to that state of mind, even now at 40. I’m embarrassed and ashamed of it and disappointed in myself but that is the truth of it. It’s a catastrophic mindset.

by Anonymousreply 179February 18, 2019 6:36 PM

You need an emergency dose of YouTube videos. I listen to Abraham Hicks because they are so simple and fundamental but not fundy.

Just type in abraham hicks feeling worthless, or angry or lonely or being bullied.

I am older than you and I felt that way, too. i was haunted by mean girls taunting me about my glasses in 5th grade, girls that had been my friends. Some things you just have to outgrow and forget about, but eventually you will get sick of your flaws and change.

Remember, life is short and you will be dead soon enough, so what have you got to lose? Enjoy yourself and create pleasure in your life.

by Anonymousreply 180February 18, 2019 7:25 PM

R180 maybe it’s just an excuse my mind is making to keep me dwelling on this, but part of my disappointment/sadness is just thinking about how cruel and hurtful people can be, and the glee they take from it, even if it’s just in the moment.

by Anonymousreply 181February 18, 2019 7:30 PM

Here is a book that was recommended on an old DL thread at least 10 years ago. It is basic and serious, and it helped me quite a lot.

Hope and Help for Your Nerves: End Anxiety Now by Dr. Clare Weeks

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 182February 18, 2019 7:30 PM

You could look back on patterns of hurt by your parents and siblings, and early hurts at school. Part of it is inner child work which I've never done, but the idea is to detach part of yourself to look at the incident from the point of view of someone you respect and admire.

It gets easier not to care what other people think, although difficult when you work with them.

Think of this as a new phase of your life in tackling issues with people at work and getting your feelings hurt too deeply.

There is a quality in wallowing in one's own hurt feelings that is a bit masochistic, so try to turn that off by comfort eating.

by Anonymousreply 183February 18, 2019 7:35 PM

We can not protect you from mean and ignorant people. We are all insulted, or hurt by other people, some days it's my turn, some days it is your turn. Being grown up, actually helps.

by Anonymousreply 184February 18, 2019 7:59 PM

R180, thank you for your post. ❤️

by Anonymousreply 185February 22, 2019 4:58 AM

Words are words they only matter if we believe their truth.

by Anonymousreply 186February 22, 2019 5:08 AM

Oh for fucks sake Blanche, Deliberate cruelty is not forgivable, but get over it!

by Anonymousreply 187February 22, 2019 5:36 AM

Well, myself, I've ALWAYS relied on the kindness of strangers.

by Anonymousreply 188February 22, 2019 6:13 AM

Guys, you've been great, and really patient roo. I appreciate all of the positive input. As some of you have said, life really is too short to hold on to old grievances. Time to move on! Sometimes it takes a while for the common sense to kick in!

by Anonymousreply 189February 22, 2019 6:20 AM

So true r189. Love your new life

by Anonymousreply 190February 22, 2019 6:53 AM

You have at 40 a very long road ahead of you. And at middle age if you are ugly it's most probable you will not find the intimacy of an emotional and physical relationship. You can't develop an interest or passion unless they are genuine. Otherwise you're just giving yourself busywork which is ultimately unsatisfying.

It's a long empty painful slog. Just find a good psychotherapist that can help you through this. I mean millions of people have endured this even without a therapist. It's rotten but for some of us it's simply a fact of life. And the hurt and pain become a part of you. Like a terrible physical scar they never go away.

I know the positive Peters will be outraged by this but they simply need to grow out of their naivete.

by Anonymousreply 191February 22, 2019 10:58 AM

OP... Is the woman in question that good-looking to make snarky comments about other people’s looks? She’s obviously one insecure person.

by Anonymousreply 192February 22, 2019 11:09 AM

NO ONE is justified in making snarky comments...

by Anonymousreply 193February 22, 2019 11:12 AM

OP, you should seek out a dermatologist if you're that insecure about your skin. Dr. Emer in CA does good work.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 194February 26, 2019 6:28 PM

OP, I think you and I know what must be done. I few drops of this marvelous liquid and any enemy will drop to your feet.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 195February 26, 2019 7:19 PM

But the OP is justified in making nasty comments.

by Anonymousreply 196February 26, 2019 9:38 PM

You need better friends. You have absolutely NO REASON to put up with that kind of trash. But I have also seen that the nastiest people are always the unhappiest. That bitterness they project on others is turned inwards too.

And "hotness" is overrated. Personally, I start finding people more attractive the more I get to know and like them. And vice versa.

by Anonymousreply 197February 26, 2019 11:34 PM
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