Being stingy with compliments

Anyone?

I have a friend like this. Never compliments anyone. He is single and a really pleasant person otherwise. We just overlook it. I do think he is just programmed that way and I also think it is affecting his chances at finding a partner. I don't think he is insecure either. I guess it is just bad manners and insensitive.

I also have a friend like this and, with him, it was more just general thoughtlessness. When that friend did finally compliment me on something and I thanked him for it and said it was very sweet of him, he seemed genuinely surprised. Since then, he's been much more prone to compliment me on something.

Thanks r2/r3

Their upbringing

"Stingy" with compliments can mean waiting for things that are actually worth complimenting rather than doling out the empty praise that Millennials are accustomed to. Never giving a compliment is another matter, that's reason for concern.

Had a boyfriend that NEVER complimented anyone. It really bothered me and is one of the reasons we broke up.

Broke up with my significant other for this reason, definitely how he was raised.

Work with what you have OP!

Insecurity mostly - at least in my experience, OP.

I think they feel if they compliment someone on X quality, it's somehow an admission they themselves lack that quality.

MY problem--this is for another thread--is ACCEPTING compliments.

But you’re nice, and hot, r11!

Do you mean just being silent when it comes to doling out compliments? or actually awkward about it? or rude?

I need examples. I don't give out fake compliments "Oh my god, I love your hair" - but I am complimentary when the opportunity is genuine.

I don’t hand out compliments easily.

This thread is making me feel really guilty. I never even think to tell guys how much I appreciate their dirty asses and the stains they leave on my immaculate linens.

Oh fank you for the fudge stripes!!

Is that better? Ya happy now?

I feel like some people have an insecurity about themselves. But others just don't like giving too many compliments because it comes off as phony or they want to avoid giving criticism. It's important to balance compliments/positivity with constructive criticism.

Now that you mention it, I think my boyfriend is this way. When he does "remember" to compliment me, it's the same canned phrase: "You're beautiful and amazing."

Should I bring this up or will it make me sound petty and insecure?

R17 take a guess

How needy and insecure do you have to be to NEED the constant affirmation of compliments. Sure, if someone has done something special, it's worth acknowledging. If they've accomplished something or has made a special effort to dress up for a particular event or occasion, it's definitely worthwhile and warranted.

So, I guess I'm "stingy" with compliments because I think it's absurd to need someone to tell you every day that you're special and beautiful.

Frankly, they lose all value and meaning when they're tossed around. The majority of time, the people who are tossing them around like dollar bills at a strip club are the most needy because they're actually fishing for compliments. It's like the folks who ask "how are you doing" as merely a prelude to launching into their own dreary story about their drama of the day.

On the other side of the spectrum are the flatterers (usually narcissists) who bathe their target in compliments as part of their manipulation tactics.

I am told I am known among my friends and family for being generous with compliments, but I once dated an incredible narcissist who didn't think so. He complained I never complimented him [italic]enough.[/italic]

I got out of that relationship quick--he was a terror.

I'm somewhere in the middle. I don't give as many compliments as I should (sometimes hearing other people who are generous with compliments reminds me of this), but I'm not too stingy, either. When I give a compliment I will take time to elaborate on why someone impressed me -- something more than a "well done!" For people whose conversation is weighted more to listening than to speaking, a compliment carries a little extra weight it seems.

It's also instructive, I find, to see how people describe their friends individually. It's a good sign when someone tells you why they like a particular friend or some quality that you might like in the friend, something about their character beyond "John is a crazy guy!"

R17 - I hate that shit. Compliments should be specific. My partner is genuinely sweet and kind (more so than me), but his "I love everything about you" compliment is old and doesn't sit well with me.

I like to think I give thoughtful compliments. It goes a long way and really improves people's moods.

Sometimes people can't provide compliments because their egos are, in fact, gigantic and they feel that nobody is better than they are. Weird but true. It's similar to people who find it really difficult to apologize--it's very much an ego thing, I'll just say the latter quality is irritating as fuck and I don't find it endearing when someone basically says "hey, this is really hard for me, but I apologize. Me apologizing is a big deal. You should be impressed. Take that as a gift." Fuck you!!!

I give out compliments when they're deserved and usually one on one. I grew up in the South around a fuckton of insincere compliment givers and the ones that really mattered to me where the compliments given when no one else was around.

Bless your heart, r25.

^FU Mom.

I am probably stingy with compliments because if someone is over complimentary I think they are up to something. That something is usually no good.

My partner is this way. It's a form of withholding, he does the same with physical affection. It's a power thing I think. He KNOWS I want to be complimented once in a while but he'd cut his tongue out before he'd do it. That he does it as a power thing I've figured out, why he does it, I have no idea. I wish I did. It's been an issue the whole four years we've been together. Hoping to get some insight from others here.

See, [R12]: I didn't respond.

This is't a response.

R29: Agreed it's an appearance of power thing, or so it seems from my own observations. Some people seem to regard a compliment toward others as a display of weakness in themselves, or that to extend a compliment to another is to take something away from himself. Others adopt a gruff, hard-assed attitude toward everything, "Why should I thank the waiter as we leave? Just for doing his job? I left him a tip - what more does he need?"

[quote]It's a form of withholding, he does the same with physical affection.

[quote]It's a power thing I think.

Sounds like a version of that old truism, 'Treat 'em mean, keep 'em keen.' Not nice, but it could just about be construed as tough love. As in, it's a 'weakness' to want or need a compliment once in a while which won't be enabled or indulged.

I don't agree with that version of tough love and find withholders manipulative: inimical to a good relationship. Maybe there are other virtues which just about compensate.

I do think a lot of times it's insecurity, like somehow you're less good if someone else is good, as if talent or beauty or whatever were finite resources, and a zero-sum game. They're not. One of the benefits of getting older is growing more comfortable in your skin and accepting your place in the world. When someone else is hotter or smarter or richer or whatever, it doesn't threaten you to say so, and can even feel good.

I think r29 is onto something