Lines uttered by Golden Girls guest characters in an alternate universe.

I may be small, but I got a jumbo shrimp.

How did you ladies find out where I live?

Dumplin', I loooovved yo fathuh's big dumplin'.

Virgin!

He taught me how to carve a dildo out of soap.

Suck my ha-ha, Dorothy.

Actually Dorothy, "Chronic Fatigue Syndrome" is just a polite term that means it really is all in your head.

Rose, you may be HIV negative, but you do have Poz Face.

No amount of aerobics will help you fat, menopausal bitches.

I admire your chest . . . and huge cock!

Sizemeat?

Verificata?

Mrs. Zbornak, you're trying to seduce me.

Actually Ms. Zbornak, I was visiting the glory hole at the adult bookstore.

Why, hello Ms. Dickinson.

POW! [right in Blanche's face]

Who let you all in my apartment? Get out now, or I'll call the police!

Oh, my chest is nothing. I admire your deep manly voice, Dorothy.

Wendell, paisan! We black men need to stick together.

Cut the crap, honky.

I'll git up in the mooorrrnin'.......and still be strokin' mah dong!

Clayton's a HOMO?

Ok I'll be honest. Sarah is my sister AND my wife.

You can shove that maple syrup brown sugar molasses rice krispies log right up your ass, mother!

I want you back Dick Man.

Of course I’m using you to write my articles and take credit for them, you think I’m fucking attracted to you?

You deserve to get AIDS not me, you fucking whore!

Not Lebanese, Blanche. Jordanian.

I'm almost certain sodomy is illegal in Florida and I KNOW that bestiality is!

If I knock up my friend Barbara, does that mean I can stay in America?

Jennifer Lawrence got an A in my class after sleeping with me. Why don't you, Blanche?

r27

Funny because it's true

I'm the okay-est petunia who ever petunia-ed!

Ma, if you're gonna use my dildo, at least replace the batteries.

The cum facial from Miles has done wonders for your complexion!

Rose, with AZT and some of the newest treatments, people are living much longer. You’ll be with us for at least another 3-4 years. Let’s make them the most golden years of our lives!

GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY, YOU DUMB TWATS!

Think how peaceful Lydia looked, R37. Do us a favor and kill yourself so you can join her.

She's manly, lonely and bitter. This must be Dorothy!

They used to let wops live here?

Tonight, Blanche.

And I bend over forwards for him.

Rose, I'm blind because of untreated syphilis!

Dick, you're a billionaire. You have a 7 and 9 year old with your second ex-wife who's 25 years younger than you. Why on earth are you planning to marry Blanche, a woman your own age?

Aunt Blanche, what's so wrong with wanting to be licked?

[to Rose]: I hear you like the Ultra Sensitive, in black. Meet you at Benihana after class?

You left the Lillestrand baby in a hot car just to try and seduce me, Blanche?

Blanche is right, Big Daddy. I'm marrying you for your money.

I don't care that Murray Gutman is Jewish. But I do hate that light blue tuxedo.

Blanche, if you don't want to see me anymore because of the dress, it's a Hate Crime!

OK, I wasn't the Cheese Man's accountant. I was his butt lover.

No amount of Chanel No. 5 or love potions could help you, Dorothy.

Rose--Kiss my grits!!

And Bert Convy lets me blow him next to the dumpster behind my supermarket.

That right. Those aren't noses. Now tell me ladies, are they cut or uncut?

I have a magnificent pair of gonads to show you, Mrs. Petrillo.

Tell ya what, Zbornak. You let Kevin play, and I'll let you blow me on Saturday night.

Which one of you sluts wants to blow me first?

Blanche, tonight I think I'll just jack off.

Fuck you bitches , I would have been the Perfect replacement for Dorothy.

Dorothy , if I had known your Wedding dress Would be so ugly, you could have remarried Stan.

You remind me of my mother, Blanche. That's why I'm so physically attracted to you.

I'm into Mommy-Son biotics, myself.

Rose, I’m so turned on by how much you love Miami Vice. Lets fuck.

Eh, Carbone. Your girlfriend blew me.

Black? Benjamin wasn’t black. He was from New Jersey. I went to the senior prom with a yankee!

Calm down lady! You just get out of prison? If so...meet me out back in five minutes.

Fellas, follow my lead and we’re bound to get lucky.

I think Barbara likes...the ladies, if you get my meaning.

Blanche, I need to get home so I can go to the bathroom. I can't do it anywhere else.

Crying is for ugly women. Pretty women go whoring

People waste their time pondering whether the glass is half empty or half full. Me, I just hope I can fill it up enough not to go back to the urologist

Well no one ever believes me when I tell the truth. I guess it's the curse of every devastatingly beautiful woman or Patsy Ramsey.

Isn't it amazing how I can feel so bad, and still want to suck dick

Face it, Dorothy. Blanch and Rose are Jehovah Witnesses.

She...she's... She's dead.

- The INS officer, crouched on the floor beside Dorothy after Mario grabbed his gun and blew off Mrs. Zbornak's head for getting him deported.

That explains the urge I sometimes have to shit on your head.

Mmm-mm! That prune danish really did do the trick. Thank you so much, Rose dear.

Actually Cindy Lou, I sell "black tar," if you know what I mean.

Jealousy is a very ugly thing, Dorothy and so are you, ugly, very ugly

Why don't I just wear a sign that says, "In NYC I'm legally a man"

Forgive me Rose, I haven't had sex in 15 years and my vadge is all crusted over

Blanche I just got AIDS just listening to one of your stories

Dorothy was Sophia naked just now, because I'm blind

Jean is a nice person. She happens to like girls instead of guys. Some people like cats instead of dogs. Frankly, I’d rather live with a lesbian than a cat. Unless that lesbian is Meredith Baxter-Birney. That's a crazy bitch

I’m not letting you wrinkled old crackers mind my restaurant on Christmas!

I slept with my two brothers until I was seventeen. I was engaged to one for a very short period of time, but now they do gay porn in former Eastern block countries

Face it Dorothy, Blanche and Rose are African Americans.

GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY, YOU DUMB TWAT!

I’m Gay! Yay!

Grandma I made a new best friend! Her name's Jon Benet. We met at the Little Miss Miami pageant. She taught me how to dance like a stripper.

r89

Mr Kot-TAIR, the ROO-elz, the ROO-elz, Vinny isn't following the ROO-elz

I’m Yyvonne and this is shit!

When I'm around, people get Munchausen by Proxy and die.

Doug bends over backwards so I can swallow his entire 8" cock.

I’m not marrying you, you fucking dumb goy!

Alright ladies, whose cunt do I lick first?

No, Rose stay in bed, I didn't mean actual scissors...

Why didn't any of you bitches come pick me up from the airport?

No one else can satisfy my baby Gerald's sexual needs the way I can.

Dear Blanche, you would've been a great addition to my harem of sister wives in Utah.

Those are the transgender non binaries from Phil's poker game.

Ha! Good one.

"Come on Rose, don't be such a prude."

I always pre-lube

You can just kiss my ASS.

I'll rip your God damned kidney out of you, myself then!

They had me on the front lines!

This is a little embarrassing but...could you tell Blanche that "Loverboy" has herpes, and she should get tested? I can fill a Valtrex script for her if she needs it.

Can't we just hang out here tonight, Sophia? I don't want to be seen on a date with a woman your age.

We had sex last night? I don't remember. In fact, who are you?

Sophia, do you like eating pussy better or rimming?

Actually Blanche, I know you have a big behind because my hands were on it the other night, remember?

Whore: Attica's a men's prison.

Dorothy: I know, but between us gals, I still had my cock at the time.

^ GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY YOU DUMB TWAT!

Of course I'll emcee at your charity event! I'd cut the ribbon at the opening of a phone booth.

Sophia: I...love you.

Tony DelVecchio: I’M GAY.

You managed to save the fortune Daddy earned over the years? I'm proud of you, Mother!

Actually, I WOULDN'T go out with a grandmother. I just gave Blanche the "I can't trust you" excuse to avoid any drama.

R118 I know that was so fucking annoying - he was so full of shit with that. I was never sure if the we were supposed to see through that or the writers were really being sincere with that bullshit line.

^ I'm sure the writers were sincere. It's just not true to life.

Blanche: A...a SPERM BANK!

Other 3: YUMMMMMMM!!!

^ GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY YOU DUMB TWAT!

Hey babe, wanna set my parking brake?

KIERSTEN: Oh mother! How could you manage to squander a fortune that Daddy spent his lifetime earning?

ROSE: Cocaine is a hell of a drug!

^ GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY YOU DUMB TWAT!

Do you find my robotic monotone convincing as a Scandinavian accent?

Can I grab your pussy, lady?

Ladies, keep the lottery ticket. These bums will just blow it on booze and drugs. Go buy yourselves something nice from Niemen Marcus.

Blanche, if you don't want to date me because I'm in a wheelchair, it's a hate crime.

It's a shame I can't be with my family on Christmas Eve either. But they're all locked up in San Quentin.

Blanche, I said 'Maybe some other time', because it's like throwing a hot dog down the hallway and I'm talking about your asshole.

I'm hoping it's Mr. I already have that box checked off on this form.

Cheapskates.

Kiss my lips Rose, you're adopted so it's not incest

Ok, so you caught me. I *am* fucking your boyfriend. And this woman was part of our afternoon threesome.

Dorothy (catches Sophia in bed with Max): MA!!! What is going on here?

Sophia: Afterglow. And by afterglow, I mean he just fucked me up the ass.

This thread is actually a test of reading comprehension.

GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY YOU.... AWWW FORGET IT!

You just can't handle rough trade, Blanche.

If you say something smart, I'll fuck you senseless.

Excuse me. My boyfriend Norman is waiting in bed. Not to mention, a dashing young Moroccan.

Of course I knew Frank Nitti. We were butt lovers.

I'm charging her $100 an hour for my time.

Rose likes it when I keep the mask on. [wink, wink]

Okay, Rose. I'll sign your petition. Thanks for the prune danish. I haven't shit this well in 25 years.

Thanks for the watch, Rose. I'll treasure it always.

Actually, Rose, that’s an excellent question. Insightful even.

Gee, Rose. I'm sorry I fondled you. I'll try to be more careful next time.

Actually, they called me "Skipper" because I was the football captain's little buddy.

There's Alice Feinbaum. Look at her, green with envy. Eat my ass out, Feinbaum!

He may be a skinny white boy mama, but he got a big fat dick.

Dorothy (opening page in calendar): Woah!

Blanche: September?

Dorothy: I'm surprised you weren't shitting blood all through October!

^ GUEST CHARACTERS ONLY YOU DUMB TWAT!

Sophia, there aren’t going to be any more birthdays. I’m finna Facebook Live my suicide, and I want you to man the tripod.

Well excuse me for living, Phyllis Schlafly!

Now look here, Dyke! I have a hundred cheesepuffs and a sensitive assistant both on the verge of collapse...

Kill Gonzalez!

Black man, black man!

Stop poking me with that stick!

Yes, Celia Rubinstein loved a good fuck ...

Must you be so cheerful, you empty headed knockoff of what was already a knockoff of Song Of the South to begin with?

Young lady, this isn't the Copacabana. Only my nephew Jerry Kennedy is allowed to entertain. That is if I can him away from my cunt of a twin sister.

Save it, Sister Sappho.

John Forsythe? How are you seeing John Forsythe naked in a pool of honey, you repressed heathen?

Dorothy, you have the most beautiful eyes ... and a dollar in your g-string!

Fire doesn’t scare me. It doesn’t scare me at all. I’m ready for this.

And I said to her, if there's anything I hate more than cheesecake, it's goddamned wicker and rattan, rattan and wicker.

Actually, I'm here to see what your daughter will do for $8 an hour.

I get to push the plunger because I’ve only got a couple weeks to live!

Did you know that I was the original inspiration for Ralph Malph on [italic]Happy Days[/italic]?

Okay, Rose, I won't spoil [italic]The Nun's Story[/italic] for you since you haven't seen it.

Why is this thread greyed out??

Well since you think I'm obsessed with you anyway, do ya wanna, Mrs. Devareaux?

As a matter of fact I do get a lot of kidding about my name so don't start with me, Stretch.

Geez lady, did you just get diagnosed with the clap or something?

Nurse DeFarge once welcomed me to Marathon.

Hath not a Cuban sizemeat?

Hath not a Cuban hole?

If you demand verificata, do we not laugh?

If you present yours, do we not swole?

So you just used my granddaughter to land a man. Why couldn’t you get me one, too?

He hasn't been able to meet up with his special friend because of the boil on his butt.

Dorothy, your singing fucking sucks! Beat it before we punch you in the nuts!

You'll be missing out on some tasty man meat then, Dottie.

Actually, my memory's just fine. I was just sick of hanging around that dwarf bitch.

Fashion conscious neighborhood? That's rich coming from a woman who wears bulky layers and moccasins in Miami.

It would be age discrimination to assume none of the men here would pay money to sleep with any of you old bags, so we have to arrest you too.

Rose, let's talk about you now.

Dorothy, this tea tastes oddly like the cyst next to your mother’s anus.

Could I stop by once in awhile for a home cooked meal and some hot elderpuss, Blanche?

Here's my new book, "Monkey Butt."

Mother Dorothy, I've been cheating on Kate with dudes. But I swear it will never happen again.

Dennis butt-fucked the neighbor's 18 year-old-son Joel, and we're getting a divorce.

That hot tub permit will run ya three blow jobs.

Come on, Blance. You know I'm only dating your manly roommate to get to you.

Guttman. He's circumcised, isn't he?

Was a woman murdered in this house with a dildo?

Now, I eat Sophia's raw tuna.

I'm Jewish because I'm circumcised, Sophia.

My name Jose.

Not impotent, Rose. Incontinent!

Yeah, I know you. You're the bull-dyke with nothing going on in your bedroom.

Rose, dear, we all know you're a little slow, but who the fuck wears sweaters in Miami in the summer?

I’m not sure what planet you’ve been living on, Stretch, but by any objective standard, Madonna already had a hit movie with Deperately Seeking Susan.

Fly to Bermuda with me, Blanche. I'll introduce you to Little Richard!

I was nice to you for the prune Danish but after I laid some enormous pipe I don't need to be nice to you anymore.

We don't believe in labias.

Oh, Dorothy, Rose told me you just got a new pair of shoes. I'd LOVE to see you model them for me, heh heh.

Sure... Frank Nitti, Al Capone, Dutch Schultz... I sucked all their cocks.

Doug would bend over forwards for Frank Nitti.

Stan's a yutz. I married him because he pretended to be rich.

If Crissy Metz can be on magazine covers so can I, mama.

I only wear minidresses in court. At the bar I wear a pants suit.

As a matter of fact I do have a cappuccino maker under my sheets, Rose.

One of you is the slutty one, really? Are the men in Miami that desperate?

Oh, his diet was great

Oh, his diet was wonderful. Chock full of fresh fruits and vegetables. He'd have tea for dessert.

I'm Lebanese, Blanche.

Vanna White's book was a dull read.

Dorothy you're a bitch and Chrissie wasn't

Oh yeah? Well at least I do anal!

"Enrique Mas" is not his real name. And quite frankly, he should've chosen "Enrique Menos," if you get my drift.

^ No wonder Tinymeat played the violin better than he boxed.

I'm glad we allowed that antiques dealer onto the membership committee.

Mother, can I have more brussels sprouts? Grandma's roommates make them fresh, unlike yours which are frozen.

Mrs. Devareaux, was my father cut or uncut?

Well if you're so bored during my poetry reading Sophia, maybe you should've stayed home to eat FLOT.

Before we get started Blanche, I need Andy to wipe my butt.

Nobody wants to do the Hokey Pokey, Sophia. This is a retirement home, not kindergarten.

Mama, put your breasts away.

Your daughter is actually too old for men her own age, Mrs. Petrillo.

Ulysses S. Grant starred in Larceny and Old Lace. Dorothy.

Apparently his first wife looks like Fess Parker.

Look, one of you bitches is buying a newspaper subscription, alright?

Blanche, you couldn’t handle my job if your life depended on it.

Rose, I’m really quite fond of scissoring your ladyham.

On closer examination and cross-checking with all surviving dental records, despite her insensitive wisecrack it appears that Dorothy is right: the pork chop supposedly left uneaten by Elvis Presley is indeed a fake. It was actually left uneaten by Carl Perkins.

Mmm, I'd like to lick your Fancy Albacore Tuna, Rose.

Ma, Nobody wants to see you flash your hoo hoo. Yes, it does stop traffic. That’s because you put a red light in it.

I'm Rocco and this is Johnny No-Thumbs. He's here to finger-bang Sophia.

Yes, I have been a fruit before: in the 1950s I was a singing, dancing orange in an orange juice commercial. They fired me for Anita Bryant.

When there is one road, no one gets lost. There are also really long traffic jams.

We don’t believe in labels; we believe in labias.

Blanche, your desperation is showing.

Chlamydia? I wouldn’t be seen with a Greek person in public. — Blanche

"I'm Moe Greene!"

[Dr. Budd's dinner date]: Who is this woman?

[Dr. Budd]: Just some mug-cradling fibrowarrior.

I got a report down at the police station about some lost Preparation H.

Thanks for bearding for our gay piano ba, ladies.

Mother, I'm going back to... Christopher!