DataLounge Fruitcake

I'm sensitive to the dyes in dried fruit that make the colorful bits look eye-poppingly "festive."

Go fuck yourself, R1!

My mother has asked for a fruitcake with one half side with just little red things and the other half with just little green things.

Does your fruitcake contain homosexuals?

I love a nutty fruitcake.

Sorry, R3, but the cakes are already mixed. Tell you mother to go piss up a rope!

R4, my cakes are made by homosexual, for homosexual, but not WITH homosexual. Go fuck yourself!

Pics of your caks please! TIA!

R5, DataLounge fruitcake has only walnut meat, and no almond. Go fuck yourself!

DL caks have sizemeat.

R8, if you click on the pic at the top and scroll down, you'll see the unbaked cakes in the pans. They're still in the oven right now.

They look lovely, OP. Are they keto? I'm banting.

Lens, they are as far from keto as possible, and I know from keto -- I've been on it (trying to stay on it) for the past year. Now, go fuck yourself!

I use my mother-in-law’s recipe and fruit from here:

Well you and your mother-in-law remind me of my childhood neighbours in our trailer court. A few doors down, there lived this family who was always putting on airs, bragging about their Maple Leaf king-size wieners when all we had was store brand.

You and your fancy mother-in-law can go fuck yourselves!

OP, did you use a Duncan Hines spice cake mix?

Extra green glacé cherries for me, please!

OP, stop drinking the whiskey! It's supposed to go in the cake!

I've always just ordered one from Amazon. I like Claxton brand. I love starting out my days with a little slice of fruitcake with a schmear of cream cheese, and some strong tea.

Stay away from my goodies, r19!

R16, well I NEVER!! Go fuck yourself!

Not that you deserve it, but here is the actual recipe.

I love fruitcake.

R17 - go fuck yourself! You get the same number of green glace cherries as everybody else. YOU'RE NOT SPECIAL.

Fuck you OP! I make the official DL fruitcake!

R18, no whiskey, but I did have a couple of Ativan this morning. Go fuck yourself!

R19, you and Freida Claxton at R20 can you fuck yourselves with your store-bought cakes!

R20 gets an extra loaf for being sweet. Don't go fuck yourself!

Oops, that's R22 who is sweet. I knew I shouldn't have had a vodka with that Ativan.

Fanny Craddock, you can go fuck yourself with Sarah's box of foil wrap!

I only buy and consume the Deluxe Fruitcake from the Collin Street Bakery in Corsicana, TX. They’re world famous.

R28 / OP - I hope my tree falls on your house.

First batch out of oven. One is wonky because when I changed their position in the oven I tipped it over and had to put it back together.

Now for three months in the pantry to cure...

fruitcake is disgusting and a clear sign of low class/poor taste

Your cakes look moist and delicious!

I love a fruity nutcake.

Three weeks, rather.

Also: if anyone tries the recipe, I add a half cup of fancy (!) molasses and another half cup of flour. Oh, and I also double the salt, which doesn't make it taste salty, it just makes it a little less sweet.

Your recipe calls for TWO loaves and ONE mini loaf, OP. You made FOUR. Have you no respect for the past??

R33 has no sense of history. Go fuck your ignorant ass!

R34 will get a one of my moist cakes delivered to their door.

R35 will enjoy the pineapple and nuts in our classic DataLounge Christmas cake!

I have respect for the past, R37, but I also have a lot of DataLoungers to feed -- I can't afford large cakes for everybody. Now go fuck yourself!

Love them R19 my youth! Even keep the one-time red gift boxes.

"Crushed" and "broken" ingredients are triggerng traumatic memories of sexual violence against women. Please re-write the recipe to be less painful.

R41, go fuck yourself!

My mouth is watering for sum fruitcake. Who gonna give it to me??

R43, you let me know where to send it and I’ll send it.

OP? I have a Christmas card for you.

I'm quite fond of citron.

Will you be including None Such Mince Meat?

No jarred mince for me, R47. Go fuck yourself!

No citron in this cake, Your Majesty, I kindly request that you ram your scepter up your arse!

One knows this is the preferred DL fruitcake.

I honestly have never had a fruitcake. I have had datenut bread, is it like that?

R51. Almost exactly the same. Just like how fucking raw feels just like fucking wrapped.

I would love some of your fruit cake, OP

Please mail to : Darfur Orphan The Desert Darfur Sudan Africa

Send mine to Kansas City OP. Or else go fuck yourself.

Fuck off R50, no queen would have a fruitcake in her castle!

Does the recipe really call for 1/4 tsp SHIT as the 8th ingredient down?

OP, you are a LIAR. You're not making any goddamn cakes. You're trying to regift last year's cakes that were RETURNED TO SENDER!

I won't fall for it, cuntessa!

Make ass cake, daddy.

Fill me with your cream and nuts.

Serve me to your friends.

I guess making fruitcake at home is less popular than it used to be. I needed to find some glacé red cherries for a cake (Mary Berry's, in fact) and I ended up ordering them from Amazon. You used to see displays in supermarkets that featured all of the traditional fruitcake ingredients (cherries, citron, nuts, etc.) grouped together. I don't recall having seen one in years.

I bought all my stuff through Amazon - it’s definitely harder to find on grocery store shelves these days.

I order mine from Assumption Abbey. I pour rum/brandy mix and let the cake marinade for a few weeks. Best fruitcake evah!

Oh, fank you! You truly have the Christmas spirit, OP. If it isn't too much work would you mind making mine round, frosting it with Cool Whip, and covering the top in ruffly frills of dehydrated pineapple*?

If it is too much work, then fuck you. I'll buy one at Dollar Tree.

*Please make sure that the pineapple is truly ripe. You may have to buy a few to get a good one.

May I have one made with brandy and mace?

What makes fruitcake taste so terrible on paper it sounds like it should at least be edible.

R21, I loved reading that recipe. Looks like one I used yesterday that's written by my Nana for Pecan Crescent Cookies. Also calls for "broken nuts." I made five kinds of cookie dough this weekend and put it in the freezer for baking closer to Xmas. (I like to make a variety a of recipes that use or omit various ingredients. No eggs or leavening in this one.)

Pecan Crescent Cookies

1/2 C buttah

1/2 C powdered sugar

2 C sifted flour

1 cup broken pecan nuts

Cream butter and sugar, add flour slowly till well mixed, fold in nuts. Form rolled crescent shapes about the size of your pinkie finger. Bake on greased cookie sheet, 20 minutes at 350. Roll in powdered sugar while still warm.

RIP Nana, she loved to bake.

what are the yellow things in OP's photo?

Thank you OP. I've been in a miserable mood, and your hardcore fuck you's made me laugh.

An aunt of mine would send me a fruitcake for a Christmas gift. I loved it. Aunt Peggy said I was the easiest of her nieces and nephews to shop for. She varied the places she'd get a fruitcake. One would last me most of the year. She's been gone for a few years, and I tell you, I get a little sad this time of year because I have to buy my own.

(I know it's just a fruitcake, something that people make fun of, but that's me.)

Fruitcake is a vestige of the heteronormative patriarchy that deserves to die.

R20 Drop dead, Freida Claxton!

R61. My parents always claimed the best recipe for fruitcake was to buy one, soak it in bourbon for a week. Throw the cake away - and drink the bourbon.

Op, do we have to provide our own bourbon or brandy for this cake? It's not in your recipe.

R62, I'll fank you to go fuck yourself!!

R62, R71 and others who asked about adding booze: I stand firm in my assertion that booze belongs in my ice-filled (to the top!) highball glass, not in the food on my plate. You know what to do -- go fuck yourselves!

R65, R67 and R68 -- loved your recipe, memories and thoughts. Fruitcake for president!

OP - best thread in months. Thank you!

R69, So true! Fight the power!

Thanks R74! And R66 -- the yellow bits are candied fruit peel.

Would you favor us with a slice of Fuckyourselfcake?

OP, how about a fruitcake recipe from 1912? Maybe someone in the Shorpy Christmas photo made it.

So this isn't a serious thread? Too bad. I love dark fruitcake and my Ma used to make them when we were kids and soak them in brandy She made them every other year because they would last. I know she used black coffee and molasses and raisins golden and dark ones, and candied fruits: red green and orange peel Lots of. chopped walnuts too. I think the Joy of Baking is the closest I ever saw to her recipe.

So none of you bitches have ever heard of Panettone?

Go back to Home Goods, you tramp.

I love Pannetone. I put slices in the toaster oven to lightly toasted then slather it with butter. Really good butter. A nice cup of hot coffee and a piece of fruit and I dream of Italy.

Harry & David used to have a fruitcake that was just pineapple and nuts -- including macadamia. Much better than that nasty citron and other mystery fruits.

Panforte is sort of an Italian fruitcake. I made it once -- figs, nuts, lots of spices. Very dense, moist and flavorful.

It don't know how Harry and David is still in business. In this day and age you can buy an orange or a pear anywhere. Why pay an exorbitant amount for boring fruit to ship it to your Aunt Sally?

Fuck off with your fruitcake, OP. I want a fruity jello poke cake instead. I’ll withhold the “please” and “thank you” until I see your answer.

I want lemon jello and chocolate cake on the bottom layer. (The lemon pokes will need to be visible in the chocolate. Just figure it out.) I want blue raspberry jello and spice cake on top. Space your pokes evenly. There’s nothing worse than a bite with an improper jello-to-cake ratio and, believe me, I am no stranger to Yelp or Facebook open letters which somehow end up as the Daily Mail’s top story. Is that what you want?

I’ll be available to accept delivery evenings between 6:30 and 7, but not on Mondays, Wednesdays or Fridays. And obviously not on weekends. Check in with me before stopping by because I would hate for you to have to bake me a fresh one if I’m not home.

Better yet, get back to me within the next ten minutes if you feel you really [italic]must[/italic] bake for me. My time is valuable.

R86 Your Jello Poke Cake is Transgendered Bisexual Erasure, you monster!

I told you no substitutions, R86. Go fuck yourself!

R86 = low budget knock off MARY! Berry!

Fine, OP. Have it your way. I'll let you choose your own headline:

1. Cruel Cake Fake Claims Youngest Victim Yet: Tragic Tot's Dying Words Revealed!

"Don't Cry, Mama. I Can Hear the Angels Coming for Me, and They're Bringing Me the Poke Cake That OP Forgot."

2. Cruel Cake Fake Claims Youngest Victim Yet: Tragic Tot's Dying Words Revealed!

"Don't Be Mad at OP, Mama. I'm Sure She Was Just Busy Baking Poke Cakes for Sicker, Needier Children. I Have to Go Meet Jesus Now. Bye, Mama. Bye."

3. Cruel Cake Fake Claims Youngest Victim Yet: Tragic Tot's Dying Words Revealed!

"Why Is It Getting Dark Mama? I'm Scared. What Time Is OP's Poke Cake Getting Here? Mama? I Can't See You, Mama!"

There are many different cake techniques. But this thread is for Fruitcake. let's play nice.

Has anyone ever had a sort of tropical iteration where dried pineapple and shredded coconut and pecans are part of it? Sort of Southern, but not? More like a Caribbean version?

The voice of reason.

...wearing jungle red nail polish!

I love fruitcake, and only wish someone would send me one, since I'm too poor to buy one. The citron is my favorite bit, but hardly anyone seems to use it anymore. I don't think pineapple belongs in a classic fruitcake.

I am so over panettone and fruitcake. Every Christmas, every year.

A good rum cake is a million times better.

r94=lush

For R91

r93 What's your address?

Fun fact: Marie Rudisill, The Fruitcake Lady at R92, was Truman Capote's aunt.

What could possibly go wrong with posting your address here. . . .

R86 Aren't you concerned the meth heads will steal packages from the stoop on your trailer?

Plum Pudding with hard sauce please!

Thank you R96. I really appreciate this. In the South we have something called Hummingbird cake and it uses Pecans, crushed pineapple and shredded coconut, in a spicecake, but it is a layer cake. This recipe you've posted is more like what I was thinking of.

You can always post a 3rd party address for safety reasons. I mean, if you're really scared ....After all... Anyone can be reading this thread. There are all sorts of thieves and drug addicts and sex perverts who will find the fruitcake thread on DL and try to stalk you and murder you. So yeah, be real careful.....

What a gracious gesture, OP, to make us all a fruitcake! I only hope you'll take my little Brantley's allergies into consideration.

Please make sure it's not made with anything touching or in close proximity to nuts. If you fail to do this you LITERALLY do not care if I live.

R90, I offered fruitcake; take it or leave it. Now be a pal and go fuck yourself!

R103, I'm very sorry to hear about your child's sickliness, but coddling him is not the answer. Tell little Brantley to piss up a rope, and you, you can go fuck yourself!

R104, you're well aware that Datalounge fruitcake contains walnut meats. Go fuck yourself!

Doxx me hard daddy

Fill my box with your junk (mail)

Send nudes to my work

Someone claimed that he found a trouser button in my fruitcake. I have no idea how it got there.

I hope the fruitcake isn't salty like the OP.

I do love a slice of hood homemade fruitcake, or Christmas cake as we call it in the UK if it has marzipan and royal icing. It's served best with a glass of single malt whisky and a piece of aged cheddar. Mmm...

Good not hood. -R108

Treif (טרײף) !

Babs Brolin Malibu CA

R102 You can use a hummingbird cake to lure sex perverts. Why am I just learning about this?

Can you make mine without walnut meats? I’m vegan.

Just baking a few for some holiday parties. I miss making the several dozen I used to do, the smaller ones would be for gifts and the double recipe filled up an extra-large loaf pan that I decorated with mock fondant and buttercream holly leaves and berries.

The recipe is vintage, from the 40's probably, and calls for condensed tomato soup( don't laugh, don't mock, it's a very tasty and moist cake) It's more cake-y than other fruitcakes, and that appeals to a lot of people, great with a cup of tea or coffee. My mom made it every year and we always looked forward to it. One of her brothers-in-law always said "It's not Thanksgiving/Christmas without it."

Walnut meat is non-negotiable, R112. Go fuck yourself double for that vegan bullshit!

May I have a slice that is impregnated with bourbon?

R113 It's been done. It's not delicious.

R115, my Datalounge fruitcake doesn't have bourbon -- as you well know -- but maybe you'll get impregnated when you go fuck yourself!

Please send my fruitcake to:

Ms. Babs Johnson A Trailer Phoenix, MD

TIA

Considering OP’s filthy mouth and the 1/4 teaspoon of shit in her recipe, you have to wonder what secret ingredients she uses.

Apart from cat hair, that is; which is a given.

I order my fruitcake from Fortnum and Mason. It's much better than yours, OP, you stupid cow.

You shut your whore mouth r120.

For the scat freaks at R118 and R119 and upthread who have tried desperately to lower the tone of this jolly holiday fruitcake thread, I have only one thing to say. Go fuck yourselves!

And to R121, thank you. I will decoratively press some whole walnut meat halves into the top of your fruitcake.

I will like a fruitcake for guests to my Be Best Christmas. It is to be delicious with codfish and turnips. I really do care, don't u?

My behavior in this thread has been abhorrent, OP. This is not who I am. I’d like to offer you a tin of Priester’s Extra-Special Super-Mammoth Pecan Halves as a small token of contrition.

Will you accept?

OP is there a reason this image was suggested below yours?

Please send mine to the farm, OP, with everything in it. If you could pour some dark, Jamaican rum all over it before you send it along, TIA. I love fruitcake.

In appreciation, I'll send you some fresh goatmilk you can ferment for a particularly pungent batch next year. You're welcome.

I made a cake!

Nailed it!

I'd like mine with weed. Tia

To the ovens - go!

Get a load of Alice B. Toklas at R129!

Does toke come from Toklas?

For R123 I will make an exception to my "no substitutions or additions" rule. One very special DataLounge fruitcake headed right your way, lady!

R125, sorry about that -- I inadvertently uploaded a snap of Steve Sondheim's sex dungeon which was in my photo folder labelled "fruitcake".

R129, thank you for that fan-fucking-tastic idea for my next batch, but if you think I'm wasting my weed on you, you can, you know, go fuck yourself!

[quote]Does your fruitcake contain homosexuals?

No dear. Cannibalism is illegal.

R131 I love a good Alice B. Toklas joke!

If I take a dozen, do I get a discount?

I just need the one, OP!

R137, meet R45.

My photo was higher quality.

Dear OP, you are my favorite OP of all time. You slapped me with a fuck you then whiplashed me back by your side when you loved my Nana's recipe. I am enjoying the pull-me/push-me charisma you exude in font. I wish we could Bitch n Bake together! Merry fucking Christmas, and Cheers, Darling!

I put goat droppings instead of raisins in YOUR fucking fruitcake, bitch OP. En-fucking-joy to the fucking world.

R136, you’re a greedy Gretchen. Go piss up a rope!

R140, would love to bitch and bake with you :)

R141, I see you, but that’s your business entirely.

r116 Considering the differences in the recipe from the one I use, ingredients as well as technique, I'm not surprised it wasn't well-received. I'd like to offer you a slice if you ever get to Philly, I'm THAT sure of its toothsomeness. Think about it.

I think you kindly, that’s well intended and well received. I must decline with regret due to celiac disease. I have put on my obligatory christmas 5 lbs thanks to a gluten free fruitcake that doesn’t suck.

It’s the first non-horrible fruitcake I’ve had in ten years. You’d swear it’s designed for DL.

Do you ship to Canada? If so, I'd like my fruitcake with icing. If not, I'll go fuck myself.

FRUITCAKE?!? I can’t eat FRUITCAKE!!! I’m fruitcake-intolerant!

Don’t you have any seasonal Nutloaf?!?

R145 thank you for saving me the time to tell you to go fuck yourself!

R146, Datalounge fruitcake is not allowed at Mich Fest -- the use of glazed cherries is viewed by the land's womon as a painful reminder of patriarchy's testicular origins.

MMMmmmmmmm, more fruitcake, please!

Best DL thread ever! Thanks, OP!

Dear OP, I just baked 2 dozen each: chocolate rugelach, raspberry jam rugelach, cranberry cherry icebox ribbons, peppermint delights, chocolate cherry chunk cookies and Nana's Pecan Crescents and bundles of candied nuts (almonds and pecans) for cookie assortment trays. I have bubble wrap, where shall I send them?

I will go fuck myself right after I get back from the post office!

R150 , although you don't meet any of the thread's usual criteria to be told to go fuck yourself, I'm going to offer this quick go-fuck-yourself -- go fuck yourself! -- as prophylaxis because I prefer to err on the side of caution during the holidays and your misunderstanding of how this thread works leads me to believe you will fuck up, in the right way, eventually.

In the meantime, I'm going to take you up on your offer so please send everything to me immediately. Once I've received your rugelach & assorted other delights, I will be sure to issue a retraction if I feel I hastily misjudged you.

I like a dark, dark, rich, rich brown fruitcake that is more fruit and nuts than cake. And then, boy do I love it, but it's really more like candy in a way.

I'd love me some Deluxe Fruitcake from Corsicana, TX and don't want to share with anyone.

I'm on the half a fruitcake diet. Half a fruitcake is half the calories. So you can eat twice as much!

I like fruitcake as well so you can send me one anytime, the more fruit the better

There we re these Trappist monks who made and sold fruitcakes and my mother used to get one every year. They came in a rouund tin box, I think it may have been forest green in color. I wonder what ever happened to those little monks and their fruitcake business. Do any of you remember them?

Never mind. I found the little boogers. I remembered instantly Gethsemani . Yes.

I am not kidding, this is the best! Mmmmmmore fruit cake, please!

I just ate a whole fruitcake!

I just fed a whole fruitcake to a 6 year old for dinner. She's already got the shits!

R160 = Mama June.

Je suis The Datalounge Fruitcake.

Gawd damn this government shut down, my fruitcake has not arrived in the mail in time for Santa!

Please send me. I'm already fucked.

r163 The shutdown is not affecting mail delivery. In fact, mail is being delivered today (not a holiday.)

Last call for fruitcake.

Don't forget me!

Fruitcake always reminds me...

OP I'm allergic to gluten, can you make a gluten-free version so I don't die horribly?

Do you have a low-fat fruit cake hun? I'm watching my weight, thank you!

To all who haven't received their DataLounge fruitcake yet, you can blame Canada Post and their rotating strikes and work slowdowns (and the Grinch-y management), which have left Christmas trees bare-bottomed this year.

R169, go fuck yourself with a breadstick.

r170 I don't think fruitcake is particularly high in fat, but it's loaded with sugar.

^^^That's me, OP

R170, one DataLounge fruit is 6745 Weight Watchers points. Start saving up your points or go fuck yourself!

Dear Editor—

I am 8 years old. Some of my little friends say there is no fruitcake being mailed by OP. Papa says, "If you see it on Datalounge, it's so." Please tell me the truth, is there fruitcake?

Cheryl O'Hanlon

115 West Ninety Fifth Street

See attached.

Oh, and to the Darfur Orphan, sweetie, I'm sorry but now it's Christmas Eve and all available DataLounge fruitcake has already been shipped. I hate to be that guy, but if you'd just been a little bit more organized maybe you'd have had your request in on time; you have only yourself to blame for this. On the brighter side, what a great learning opportunity this has been for you!

I would never fuck myself, R175. Like, gag me.

Some people like Christmas Day the best, others enjoy Black Friday shopping, and still others New Year's Eve, but tonight is MY night — The Feast of the Seven Fishes! In any case, I'm hoping all your holiday wishes come true.

R176 Oh I'm going hungry again. I would have liked to eat some fruity cake.

Where is OP? It is Fruitcake Season 2019 and I have been waiting WEEKS to put in my order for a fruitcake with extra green cherries and double rum!

Bitch better come through.

OP, I'll just have extremely large glass of water, no fruit cake for me. Thanks in advance, hun.

Fruitcake bitch come back and bake!

Honey, those fruitcakes look like the work of an eldergay. Then again, I am a 43 year-old with a passion for queens who look like Lindsay Graham and homesick in Romania while dreaming of the day I will eat and fuck ass again, so I will save you the trouble and fuck off.

Please OP - no dairy, no gluten, no eggs, vegan only, no GSMO, no salt, no white sugar, no palm oil, also all ingredients must be fair-trade, and no fruit from Israel or Iran, and do not use an aluminum pan or foil, and no plastic wrap. Thanks doll.

I want mine with the special icing that comes from daddy when he’s on the pineapple diet.

My family knows how much I love fruitcake. I don't understand the hate. My late great-grandmother made them and I loved it.

R175 is proof that OP is my friend Julie, the cunt.

Can I substitute Canadian bacon for regular American bacon in mine?

I like the German butter Stöllen at Aldis thank you.

Did someone say stolen? We know exactly what was stolen! 🤡

Can you make mine with Stevia instead of sugar? Also, no tree nuts. Buckwheat flour is better than white flour too. Vegetable oil instead of butter. TIA!

Darn, I thought this was a thread about me.

R183, no fruitcake for you. Go fuck yourself!

R184, my fruitcake has pineapple in it, but you're responsible for your own Daddy's sauce.

R187, as well as the no substitution rule -- which I made very clear -- I am strictly opposed to savory flavors in my DataLounge fruitcake. Go fuck yourself!

R190, go fuck yourself double for even mentioning Stevia.

Oh my LARD, OP!!!!! It is *I* who summoned you! I missed you last year! Glad you are all right!

A million kisses, you savage bitch!

Thanks, R193! I was surprised to see that someone remembered the thread :)

I sure hope it's gluten free, and all that fructose will make me gassy. What about my dairy and egg allergies?

OP, please see R179! I have been calling to you since last year.

We had Frieda Claxton but where is Yvonne? Yvonne please come home.

I agree with R190, it needs to be more inclusive. As a gluten-free, paleo, vegan, I still Iike to have fun, festive treats despite accusations to the contrary!

R179/R196 Double rum? You can double go fuck yourself!

R195, you know what else will make you gassy? GOING AND FUCKING YOURSELF.

R198, "As a gluten-free, paleo, vegan, I still Iike to have fun." I see what you did there, but go fuck yourself!

Is the glacéed citron sustainably sourced and cruelty free? I would need to see the certificate before accepting the sample slice.

I don't make fruitcake but I had a recipe that called for green and red cherries and I had a hard time getting them this year. Was there a shortage or an increased demand for some reason?

Sounds like a delicacy I’d be sure to love.

OP is there a dump cake version, or nah?

Here you go, r203. Don't tell OP or we'll be read for filth!

r204 That was nowhere near what I expected, which was something germane to this thread. It's the standard recipe AFAIC. Should've been something like: spice cake mix + assorted candied fruit + nuts + raisins. We need Cathy Mitchell on this, pronto( who knows, she just might have one)

I'll buy an Entemann's Christmas fruitcake at the local grocery store. That is, if there's another brand that's less expensive at the dollar store down the road.

I'm sure that's fine with everyone here.

If there's *not* another brand ^

R206. Eeesh

R200, the glacéed citron does happen to be cruelty free, which I why I'm sure to slap it around a little before adding it to the batter. Go fuck yourself!

R203 & R205, you're asking me to substitute the ENTIRE recipe?! Cathy MItchell is a poor man's Sandra Lee, and that's saying something. Go fuck both yourselves!

I’ve had the seasonal fruitcake sold at Costco. I think it’s rather nice.

How fitting.

OP do you make a Bundt version? I’m newly dilated and want to celebrate my hole for the holidays.

I LOVE fruitcake but the last few times someone gave me fruitcake it was very cake-y and only had tiny pieces of fruit dotted throughout. Like, 95 percent cake, 5 percent fruit. I don't speak to those people any longer

r213 The one I make is about 35-40% fruit and nuts, and spiced well. It does contains tomato soup, if you can get past that, you'd be in for a toothsome treat.

haha r214, I do not believe I could get past the tomato soup. Although if it had enough alcohol and spices it could taste like a bloody mary!

r215 Nowadays I bake them to be eaten fresh, so I don't booze 'em up anymore(not enough time for them to mellow) BITD, when I baked them the end of September, the booze flowed freely.

If I didn't tell anyone re: the tomato soup, no one would be able to guess or even suspect. I've seen a lot of recipes, almost all of them lacking something, either ingredients or technique, which I feel makes all the difference. Some videos I've seen just give me the willies: no fruit or nuts; no spices; some cakes the color of a vodka blush pasta sauce, others slathered with cream cheese frosting( I guess they think that'll help disguise the tomato flavor) et al. Perhaps it's just one of those things you have to grow up with in order to enjoy.

Tutti gusti sono gusti.

[R204] I may actually make this -- it seems written for me: easy and cheap!

During this pandemic where there's all the extra down time in the world you'd think it would be perfect for taking on the complex. But no. For some reason I'm more impatient than ever.

“ For some reason I'm more impatient than ever.”

R217 is one of those fatties that yells at her microwave to hurry.

r218 Thank you, Joan Rivers.

Gawd damn it, OP, here it is 7:20 pm PST on Christmas Eve and my fruit cake has not arrived!

This thread has just swayed me to buy a Claxton fruitcake.

Best price I could find was $25.68 on QVC Online for three one-pound cakes. I chose to pay with three monthly payments of $8.56. Somehow, making three smaller payments instead of one big hit makes my guilt a little less.

Only problem is, QVC is now telling me my fruitcakes won’t arrive until January 7th. Shit. Merry Fucking Christmas...

[R218] How have the holidays treated you dear?

Pretty sure you're more inpatient than ever. How is Christmas on the ward? Still hoarding rubber sporks?

All the leftover lurid colored fruit cake fruits were on sale at Safeway today.

[quote]Gawd damn it, OP, here it is 7:20 pm PST on Christmas Eve and my fruit cake has not arrived!

Well, I hope you called his pimp and gave him a piece of your mind, Karen!