CONFESSION: I am absolutely obsessed with a colleague of mine

Cut the relationship off. It's unhealthy your obsession for what you cannot have.

And I'm all like, "why are so obsessed with me?"

You are not respecting two other people, OP. Aside from yourself as well. He’s spoken for. What he does on his own time is NONE of your fucking business.

Your behavior is very unhealthy and if you don’t stop it immediately it’s going to grow and cause problems in other aspects of your life. You are wasting energy in pursuit of something unattainable instead of using that energy for something beneficial and positive.

You’re stalking him. Stop.

Unrequited love is absolute agony. And it doesn’t sound like this guy is giving you much to go on. If you cut yourself off his social media and obsessive thoughts (the latter easier said than done), it will free up all that space for you to start working toward something (or someone) who will bring you happiness. As opposed to your current situation which is making you sick. Literally. Be good to yourself and cut the cord. You will be happier in the long term for it. Good luck, OP. He is not the end all, be all. Trust me.

OP, I will give you some sympathy because I suspect mostly you will get either vitriol or smug admonishments ("Stop being self-destructive" "This is unhealthy, get over it"). This is such a tough thing and I've been there before (and, after years in a wonderful relationship, am there again with someone else). I would really encourage you to talk to someone about it - a trusted friend, a therapist. Keeping it bottled up inside only enhances the obsessiveness. And - if possible and I know it's difficult - stop following him on social media. Again it just leads down a path of speculation, obsessiveness, a roller-coaster of emotions based on no real knowledge at all except what you're projecting. It's self-torture. I do think withdrawing a bit of contact with him might be helpful, just slowing it down. Trying to find pleasure in other things in life (books, working out, time with friends, good food, etc.) And I know in your current state even the most attractive men will seem wanting compared to this guy, but in my experience the only effective way to get over this is to develop even a minor crush on someone else. Ignore the catty shit you may hear on this board; many many people have experienced this too and it's a bitch and we sympathize. You may just have to ride it out and let time do some of the healing. Oh, and STOP SMOKING!!!

R6 and R7 give me hope. People can be kind!!!!

You could befriend then poison his boyfriend.

Please see a therapist, OP. You deserve to have feelings for someone who is able to return them and he doesn't deserve being stalked like he is an inanimate object. Get help to get healthy and move onto better things for yourself.

Firm rule for the workplace echos something the animal kingdom has known for eons. Never shit where you eat.

Have you tried casting a love spell on this guy?

SLUT HOMEWRECKER

The worse he can say is no.

Maybe he wants something on the side. Go for it, OP.

Just hope that his boyfriend isn’t anything like me, however. If someone was after my boyfriend and I found out about it, I’d hunt him down like a Liam Neeson flick. Especially if he was big as me—I love fighting big guys. But I can’t bring myself to beat up a little feminine dude, even if he’s a masculine top. I’d probably just follow him home and rape him in that case.

I second what R7 said on finding small pleasures in life. In my case what helped was taking up tennis after a long very break, it just sucked me in and gradually I became really involved (playing local leagues etc.). I guess it worked because the game gave me a lot of satisfaction which was somewhat addictive in the overall sea of misery which I was experiencing. Obviously this was trading one kind of obsession for another, but sport was much easier to navigate and after some time it was easier to bring it back to some sensible level of interest so it now fits nicely with my life.

I'm of the "you're not married until you're married" mentality. I would proposition him so there would be nothing between us to interpret. He will probably reject you and then you can move on.

"It's terribly unhealthy..."

Bingo. It's unhealthy. You know it. Now we all know it. Call a therapist today. Do not allow this unhealthy situation to continue.

This is immaturity. I used to develop these unrequited crushes, but haven't for years. Looking back on it, i realize that was the working of an (my) adolescent mind.

We all develop at a unique rate. Nothing anyone can say to you will stop the feelings. But simply deciding that you will stop this behavior and way of thinking can make huge advances in your personal development. So take yourself in hand, recognize the childish nature of this whole thing, and move on to other people and things.

R18 understands nothing of OP's problem.

An adult stalking another adult, not just online, but also out in the community, is a clear sign that some professional help is required.

It would be helpful to know a bit more of OP's relationship with his obsession before everyone starts raining down judgments and advice. Like, how close are you at work? Do you talk about your personal lives? Does he confide in you? Is there any physical affection between you? Does he know you're gay? Or is this just a crush from afar and your actual personal contact is not that significant?

How old are the two of you?

Again, OP, have you tried magic or working the secret on him?

I am sympathetic but it is important that you cut things off with him, even if you have to find another job. You are heading down the slippery slope toward stalking this guy. And you don't want to shit where you live when it comes to that. You will lose. And then you will have something else to become bitter about.

Change jobs. Seriously.

Bitch, you sound absolutely insane.

I sympathize OP, it's a bitch of a habit to break because seeing the object of one's affection on social media, etc, actually brings happiness everyday, for five seconds. Then the rest of the day is agony. And longing. Then repeat the next day.

In my experience the only thing that works is time. There comes a day when you realize that the person you loved was the version of that person that you had created in their image, that's all there is to it. You had loved an illusion and had wasted considerable time and heartache on that.

I hope for you that you can move on quickly and stop hurting.

At least you're losing weight. There's always that.

OP you need to find an outlet to channel your energy are there any gay social groups where you live? Join one you might meet someone you can focus your attention on.

OP, do you think of him when your masturbate?

If so, why don't you think of me instead.

Oh man, that sucks. Yes, you're obsessed and then allowed your feelings to cross over into crazy territory. It can happen to anyone, OP, so no judgement. Please get counseling to help you with emotional regulation. It's not that difficult, but takes practice and perseverance. I had a similar situation and had to learn to detach myself from the feelings so I could actually get some work done. Once I made up my mind not to care, it started working. Somewhere, deep down, you must still feel like there's a hope that something could happen. Start there.

Hello, guys. Thank you very much for your kind words.

Been there, done that; I fell head over heels for a boy (Italian, tall, dark, etc.) in boarding school (college). We were in an elite touring group and on one occasion were assigned the same bed (large, probably a queen) on the road; I thought that I had fucking died and gone to heaven! However, because I was so hot for him I didn't dare even consider touching him; restless night for sure! One of my most treasured memories is of his beautiful body, in white briefs, lying on his back . . . time passed, and one day on the tour bus I told him exactly how I felt and that I was in love with him. I'm certain that it wasn't a surprise, and he acted like nothing unusual had happened, but EVERYTHING fucking fell apart after that; we spent some time out of class doing stuff like working on our cars but we were from two different social sets and he was definitely more masculine than me, so our friends did not interact. I knew he was 80% straight, (hoping that the 20% was reserved for me alone) but opened that Pandora's box anyway. Almost immediately the most popular gang of jocks in the dorm began harassing me; (he lived off-site) there are never any secrets in boarding school! With the pressure of finals, the continual harassment from the jocks, and the final realization of my folly, I left school (I can still hear them yelling "faggot", etc., as I drove away) for the City in hopes of starting a new life. A new life I started, indeed . . . so many hazy nights at Buzzby's, falling in lust in the Haight, everything falling apart again, job loss, DUI's, then redemption. Some of us are more hard-headed than others . . . I eventually got my shit together, moved "down south" and have been in LA ever since; stable, together with the same man for many years, own our own home, have money in bank, have traveled extensively and am now contemplating a fulfilling retirement.

I do still think about him and am probably still in love with him but thank God I was able to eventually move on. I am one of those who fall hard, in and out of love. I would recommend that you NOT pursue your feelings for this guy, of whom you know very little, unless you really want to throw your life away--work is like boarding school--everyone will know, you'll most likely lose your job, you'll never have him, and be left with literally nothing. Don't do it if your value your sanity--you've already crossed the red line by stalking him. Make your decision now--fill your life to the max with anything but him--time will eventually heal your mind. You may never fall out of love with him, but your sanity is worth so much more than playing with fire.

I was like this with my ex. The best thing is to cut it off.

Here's what I would do - you don't know what his status is right? Can't you invite him to dinner as a friend - and just have an enjoyable conversation and spend time with someone you like? Don't throw yourself at him - let him be in the driver's seat - bound to come up that you are available. Good luck.

Listen ONLY to R6 and R7 and you will be fine. Honest.

That stalking shit is creepy, you better hope he never finds out.

Tl;dr

CONFESSION: I made it almost to the end of the second paragraph before I literally died of boredom.

The Next Stage for OP.

OP you are too old to be acting so embarrassingly. Start going to a therapist, you clearly need one in your life.

"you settin there waitin on him just like a spider!"

OP, R7 is spot on. Sounds to me like you already knew what a lot of people are saying. It's a dead-end street.

I am thankful that when I was in a similar situation, it was years ago, before all this social media.

I would have spent hours stalking the guy I had the biggest crush on ever.

Thankfully it passed, for the most part. I still think of him from time to time. Google him. He's made somewhat of a name in the NY gay community, so there's a bunch of stuff about him on Google. That's enough for me.

Life goes on and he never had the slightest interest in me at all, so what can I do?

"The best thing is to cut it off. "

Well THAT'S pretty drastic.

I tried to follow your advice, guys. No social media lurking, no following around, I tried to delete him from my memory (which is pretty hard when you work on the same floor). There was no contact between us in the last four weeks except for a few polite and very brief exchanges but something unexpected happened this Wednesday. He invited me out for drinks this Saturday. I was very surprised but acted like it was no big deal. He didn't mention anything about the boyfriend but who knows? This is probably is mistake and might end really badly for me (I probably shouldn't have said yes because these things only prolong my unhealthy obsession).

There is still time to cancel it though ... what would YOU do??

OP, you must proceed regardless of your apprehension. This is a matter of metaphysics, law of attraction, and manifestation. You made this happen. It is exactly what you hoped for, and now you must follow through. There really is nothing much else to say regarding this issue. It's Showtime!

R46 is more batshit crazy than OP. Maybe they should pair off. Problem solved!

Fuck off, R47. I manifest constantly without even trying. I think of a thing one time, and I see it materialize with speed. Some of us have it like that because some of us believe. The other day, I received two coupons in the mail for Skoal. One was $1 of one can, and the other was $2 off two cans. I walk to the gas station 20 minutes away every morning at 6am with my dog, and there I purchase a pack of cigarettes each morning. I planned to give both coupons to the cashier to keep for the next customer who purchases a can of skoal. Before I put the coupons down next to my wallet so I didn't forget them the following morning, I thought VERY briefly and saw myself handing the coupons to a man in front of me at the cashier, requesting skoal. When I arrived at the gas station the following morning, there he was and just as soon as I got in line two customers behind him, I heard him ask the cashier for a can of skoal, which is when I happily handed him the coupons. It came to fruition EXACTLY as I'd pictured it in my mind the day before. There are no coincidences. I could go on and on. I manifest all the time and with speed. Though they be simple manifestations, they be no less miraculous.

Go get your man, OP.

Don't be ashamed or embarrassed- tell him how you feel about him. It will take the burden off of you and after the smoke has cleared, you will feel better and your feelings will subside. I have been there with 2 men. It is tough when love is unrequited (I hoped they would both fall in love with me too). But knowing he is unattainable, you will realize that you won't win. Try to stop trolling him on the social media sites. When i used to troll, i discovered that many other men were in love with them too.

Co-sign on what R48 said - Op you even did the most difficult part of manifestation without even realizing it - I bet - Those four weeks you did your best to ignore him amount to the most important part of the process - letting it go and releasing it

Isn't it sad and depressing when an adult male has to be told by total strangers to grow up and stop ting like an airheaded adolescent?

Who let "The Secret" into DL?

Don't do it, man. Regardless of his current relationship status with his boyfriend, don't tell him how you feel. Office romances almost never end well.

Oh, and it's time to stop the smoking.

No, no, I am definitely not telling him about my feelings. This is going to be his night, he's the leader. He's in the driver's seat and I'm waiting to see what happens. Let's hope it goes well. Although I'm really going to watch my alcohol levels tonight. People do stupid and careless things when they get drunk ... some people (like me) even do those things when they're not even drunk.

There's always San Pellegrino, R54. The unflavored, unsweetened variety, of course.

While I find the "manifestation" stuff interesting, it didn't work for me back in the ACOA '80s. I'm feeling the pangs of obsession myself lately, though to a much lesser degree than the OP. I wonder if I should try it again. I admit I do have a lot of "disbelief in (my) power to be happy."

[quote][bold]Principle One: Clear Space[/bold]. Before you begin the manifestation process, you must take the necessary time to release all your disbelief in your power to be happy. One of the best ways to clear the blocks of disbelief is to pray for release. Begin a daily prayer practice of asking the universe to set you free from all the limiting beliefs that block you from believing in your greatness. Stay open for signs from the universe, and show up for the assignments that are brought to you. Universal assignments come in many forms. Maybe you’re guided to the relationship that brings up all your shit so that you have to finally heal your fear. Or maybe you lose your job so that you can learn the lessons of self-reliance and strengthen your self-love. Trust that these assignments, however tough at times, are incredible opportunities for you to clean your energy and clear space to call in what you desire.

[quote]Your job in this step is to pray for guidance to clear all that blocks you from believing in your greatness. Then allow the universe to help guide you to whatever assignments you need to aid in the healing process. Show up for the assignments, and trust that the more you clean your thoughts and energy, the more positive experiences you will attract into your life.

I fell hard in love 20 years ago and had lots of unrequited relationships like these. They are all hinting at a gap in yourself you’re trying to fill with another person’s happiness. It’s only when you yourself can make yourself happy without outside influences, you’ll find the true person to share it with. Knowing someone is partnered and putting the make on them is greasy, despicable and tawdry EVEN if the other person is ok with it, they’ll respect you less for it, atay with their true love, and karma is a bitch slapping you in the face afterward.

Find yourself and what makes you happy before deciding to share your happiness with another. Don’t enter a relationship an empty-handed cheater!

[quote]It’s only when you yourself can make yourself happy without outside influences, you’ll find the true person to share it with.

I found myself filled to the rim with opportunities to "make (my)self happy without outside influences," and succeeded in large measure, or so I thought. But I never found "the true person to share it with."

Lately, though, I found myself drawn to someone completely inappropriate. We do exist in each other's life, however peripherally, and I can't quite get rid of the feeling I experience when I'm around him. At least I now know enough not to make it a thing.

I had a short affair with a co-worker who put my heart in a blender. He pursued me all the while I resisted due to a host of red flags (we worked together closely, he was still in love with his ex, he seemed like a narcissist) but he wore me down, fucked me and dumped me days later. Over email. This was before texts. It devastated me. Said “oops! I AM in love with my ex!” It was all about the conquest and once the notch was posted, he moved on. (I also leave room for me being a lousy lay... it was my first anal and I was so inexperienced back then). But I bring this up because he subsequently messed with my head, we slept together again, and it was so unhealthy I HAD to cut off any contact beyond basic work interactions. It was the healthy move and was so hard because I burned for him. But time heals all wounds and I’m now in a LTR with someone who loves me unconditionally. I wouldn’t be with this guy had I stayed in a toxic “friendship” while trying to feast on crumbs. Cut him off. And good luck!

I'll say it again - aside from all the primary things involved in the manifestation process, ie the belief, affirmations, vision boards yada yada yada - the KEY is in the letting go and releasing/moving on to something else - this is the most important step - it's not supposed to be hard work

[quote]I had a short affair with a co-worker who put my heart in a blender.

Poor, poor pitiful r59's co-worker was a credit to his gender.

R61- damn right, well played. But I’m partial to the Linda version, like the bottom I am.

[quote]the KEY is in the letting go and releasing/moving on to something else - this is the most important step - it's not supposed to be hard work

I have the option of not engaging in something I'm scheduled to do with him this summer--something official, not dating. I can drop it with no penalty besides not gaining the knowledge I might otherwise have gained from participating. But it seems like not doing it would be KEY to "letting go" and "releasing/moving on." I don't have to make a decision until July, so I've been holding off on it. But holding off feels like holding on, and that means never letting go. I can remove myself from the thing next week, though, and not have to worry about it again.

[quote]I’m partial to the Linda version

R62 Oh, honey, so am I.

(R62) Bless the DL people for making music references i understand

Are you obsessed with Sonny?

Sonny?

Ohhhh...r66 thinks OP is Leo.

Sonny? Didn't a Pine Tree smack him on the head.?

R63 - you'll have to figure it out for yourself, and I say this respectfully - manifestation DOES work in the romantic side of things as well - I'll tell you a story, trying to keep it short - I was in love with a woman (yes a woman) years ago - we were very off and on for the six years we were together - when we broke apart, I'd spend time pining for her, wishing for her return until the point I just stopped and began to move on, letting it go - it was always a month to two months after that point that she'd call and we were back together again until the next time we split - repeat, repeat, repeat - this happened probably 7/8 timed during our whole time together, and TWICE she screamed at me "WHY DO I KEEP COMING BACK TO YOU?!!" - I knew why - and then after the last time we broke up, I refused to think of her in that way again which was the last time we were ever together.

IT WORKS! So be careful how you used it.

For those similarly plagued:

The only thing that worked for me was moving to another country.

[quote]The only thing that worked for me was moving to another country.

I moved cross-country to get away from my Mr. Long Long Time. It was too easy to run into him. We lived 0.3 miles from each other in the Village, and we never stopped wanting to fuck each other every time we ran into each other. It was so confusing for me.

r70, that was remarkably unhelpful, almost as if you hadn't read a word I wrote.

R59- not sure you were that lousy a lay if he came back for more. Just sayin’.

R74 - Why you ungrateful little shit! - "Eat my subtext, bitch" - hahahaha - fucker! - you can release and let go while still in the company of this person - it's true - I told you that you should figure it out for yourself because I didn't want to suggest that you should slight yourself of an employment related opportunity - but yes, you can let go and still be in his company - it's all in the mind

[quote]—YOU KNOW WHAT YOU CAN EAT!

Yeah. As if I'd want that diseased old thing.

^^^ somehow, me thinks that LOA won't work for him *wink*

Telling people how you feel is almost never a good idea. You have to read the situation instead, read up on body language, practice your own body language and make sure you give off signals that you're attracted to him. If he mirrors your behavior, he's interested in you and if he closes his body language, moves away from you or frowns he's probably not attracted to you. But as long as you don't say the words it's possible to go back to pretending nothing happened. Most people aren't consciously aware of other people's body language (or their own). It's the safest way to know if you should give up or proceed. Disclaimer: he might be interested in you and still not want to pursue a relationship, so always take it slow - especially if you're friends or colleagues.

If he's not gonna be your boyfriend, distance yourself through taking up a hobby or find someone else to obsess over.

[quote]If he mirrors your behavior, he's interested in you and if he closes his body language, moves away from you or frowns he's probably not attracted to you. But as long as you don't say the words it's possible to go back to pretending nothing happened.

Good advice. Just stay open and friendly. Give off positive vibes: smiles, subtle compliments, showing interest in him instead of talking about yourself. Then wait for him to make the first move.

R71, as a teen in the 70s that song said everything I felt when I broke up with my first boyfriend after two years.

R67 OP hasn't said, but we know he works for Titan.

r81 My 1976 boyfriend played "Long, Long Time" for me as he broke up with me. It was the beginning of my Linda Ronstadt addiction. I went out and bought Hasten down the Wind the next day. I didn't find "Long, Long Time" there, so I bought Prisoner in Disguise and Heart like a Wheel the day after. I still didn't find "Long, Long Time," and then finally, I found it on the Capitol compilation LP, Different Drum. I had no idea "You and I, travel to the beat of a different drum" was the "And I think I'm going to love you...for a long, long time" singer.

When I got to the end of side one of Different Drum, I realized why he played "Long, Long Time" while breaking up with me. He had played it every time he brought me home with him. He paid attention to that song, I only heard "Will You Love Me Tomorrow?" at the end of side one.

How could he have broken up with me?

Last night was a pleasant surprise. The objection of my affection got totally hammered and we ended up at my place (I live downtown, it was closer to our location). Turns out I was right, he's no longer with his boyfriend who used to steal money from him. Our night went relatively well. We ended up at my place shortly after 3 AM. He was supposed to sleep on the couch but ended up naked in my bed. There was no sex, only drunk cuddling and hugging. I woke up next to him which was a nice feeling and he's still here [not up yet].

By the way, I tried to follow your advice and give off positive and flirty vibe. He picked up on that and started touching me a lot at the bar but I suspect it was just alcohol talking. He needed someone and I was there and his inhibitions started falling apart ...

Good for you, OP. Now that you know how manifestation works, what will you be drawing into your life next? Glad for you. Have a great day!

Hey OP, any updates?