Hello and thank you for being a DL contributor. We are changing the login scheme for contributors for simpler login and to better support using multiple devices. Please click here to update your account with a username and password.

Hello. Some features on this site require registration. Please click here to register for free.

Hello and thank you for registering. Please complete the process by verifying your email address. If you can't find the email you can resend it here.

Hello. Some features on this site require a subscription. Please click here to get full access and no ads for $1.99 or less per month.

Learning to say “no” gracefully.

One of the life skills I hope people learn young is “how to say ‘no’ to someone, ‘gracefully’”. Being indecisive unnecessarily inconveniences them; ghosting them is hurtful and inconveniences them; and lying just destroys your own reputation.

It’s a very difficult skill to learn and apply regularly. It’s one of the crappy things adults should do.

by Anonymousreply 66April 26, 2018 1:37 AM

I usually say "I'm unwilling" and sometimes will give the reason why, usually if I am close to the person or like them. I think this phrase sounds like I considered the request but decided against it. It also think it sounds more rational and less dismissive.

I have always had a hard time saying no but learned the hard way that it saves the relationship if boundaries are set clearly and immediately.

by Anonymousreply 1April 23, 2018 2:44 AM

If you're brought up to be polite and considerate, it's hard. You will be a magnet for people who make you miserable. I remember being in a study group, into which someone I helped in class invited herself. She was a nightmare and almost got me kicked out of the group. Another member just said "No". I couldn't, thinking it was selfish, unkind, ungenerous.

You have to learn how not to be a doormat in a civil but clear and firm way. Being wishy-washy and hedging just makes things worse.

You can't put the needs, wants and interests of others above yours. Seld-care isn't selfish. It doesn't mean you have license to be a dick. Just not to ve a doormat

by Anonymousreply 2April 23, 2018 2:53 AM

Iman recently gave some great advice in a recent interview that really resonated with me. She said that her mom taught her that “No.” is a complete sentence and you don’t have to explain yourself to anyone. I’ve reached a point in my life where I’m tired of explaining myself and my choices to people and I’ve recently started simply saying “no” to shit I don’t want to do and that’s that. And it feels great.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 3April 23, 2018 2:55 AM

"No, I'm afraid I'm unable. I hope you understand." "I don't understand." "Then please take me at my word." "But.... whatever they say next when they won't give up." "Lets just talk about something else since there's nothing else to say about this."

by Anonymousreply 4April 23, 2018 3:08 AM

Love this thread. I’m horrible at saying no - so usually end up making up a lie. Mainly for family events and especially my mother. I don’t want to hurt her by saying ”no I don’t want to spend time with you”. But I also refuse to be at her beck and call. And she always wants me to do things with her and she is lonely. But I don’t want to - and not want to say “I don’t want to do anything with you”. So I just lie and say I’m busy.

by Anonymousreply 5April 23, 2018 3:13 AM

"I can't" works well. Leave off the "sorry" because it's insincere. If the asker persists with "why" or "why not", persist with "because I can't".

by Anonymousreply 6April 23, 2018 3:16 AM

"I don't think that's the best idea," is gentler....sometimes I can make that work.

by Anonymousreply 7April 23, 2018 3:58 AM

.....

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 8April 23, 2018 4:25 AM

"How about Never? Is that OK with you?"

by Anonymousreply 9April 23, 2018 4:26 AM

How about just "No." You are not required to justify, argue, defend, or explain.

by Anonymousreply 10April 23, 2018 4:33 AM

I procrastinate replying until it is considered ghosting.

by Anonymousreply 11April 23, 2018 4:44 AM

Children, today's lesson in graceful etiquette is brought to by Auntie Joan.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 12April 23, 2018 4:57 AM

r10 you often are in situational contexts like workplaces.

by Anonymousreply 13April 23, 2018 4:59 AM

I bought into the ‘“no” requires no explanation’ business until I lost some friends who, I think, would have really accepted whatever valid excuse I happened to have.

If someone questions my excuse, I don’t go further into that, I say something like “I’m sorry, it’s just not possible (as I explained)”.

The problem, of course, is when the excuse is “you throw boring parties”, or “I want to see you less”, and such. This is when the “gracefully say no” part comes in. Learn how to decline without humiliating someone, it’s the most “adult” thing you may ever do.

by Anonymousreply 14April 23, 2018 3:36 PM

It is the excuses that trip us up. If it’s valid, no problem. ‘I’m sorry, I can’t. I have a doctors appointment.” Otherwise I’ve learned that “ I’m sorry, I can’t”, I’m sorry, I have other plans “(even if those plans are being alone) or even “I’m sorry, that doesn’t sound like something I’d be interested in” actually work without offending...but you have to stick to it! The minute you offer more you risk trouble.

by Anonymousreply 15April 23, 2018 4:33 PM

As I've gotten older, this gets easier. The biggest lesson: I'm not required to justify myself to anyone. Start with the easy ones, like a telemarketing call or a salesman at your door: "I'm not interested," and then hang up or close the door immediately. You don't owe them your time and you don't owe them an explanation. And they desperately want to keep you on the line because the longer they hold you the more likely it is that you will buy something.

A bit harder: a friend who wants to do something you really don't want to do and it's on a fixed date: "I'm sorry, but I have other plans." or "I'm sorry, but I'm not available." If they ask what those are, tell them it's personal and stop. You don't need to explain or justify yourself and you don't need to explain what those other plans are, even if those plans are that you intend to stay home and read a good book.

A bit harder: a friend with an open-ended invitation to do something you really don't want to do: "I'm sorry, but I'd really rather not." If they are a friend that you'd like to hang onto and that you really do like doing things with, see if you can come up with an alternative, "...but I've been wanting to do [x]. Would you like to join me for that?"

A bit harder: family. I'm not going to give advice on this because it will vary from family to family and you'll just have to work it out. The big lesson, though, is that you can say no, even to your family.

by Anonymousreply 16April 23, 2018 4:42 PM

For business situations, just saying no may not be practical, so it will depend on what you're being asked to do, whether the request is reasonable, whether the person asking has any real authority to make the request, and what office politics might come into play.

I've had some reasonable success by talking about priorities. "I'd love to help you with that but I'm on a deadline to get [x] done. My boss has told me that this is a high priority and I need to meet this deadline. If you still need help after that, I'll be happy to do what I can."

This can even work with your boss, although you'll have to be very careful about how you phrase this. "You asked me to get [x] done. I'd be happy to take on this other task but that will mean that I'll need to push out the deadline for [x]. Is that okay?"

by Anonymousreply 17April 23, 2018 4:47 PM

Learning to say no is big. I've recently started doing it. Not justifying it with a lie is the best and most effective in my opinion. No means no. I'm not doing that. No thanks. No.

by Anonymousreply 18April 23, 2018 4:50 PM

“I’m sorry, I just can’t.”

by Anonymousreply 19April 23, 2018 4:54 PM

R12, that’s not the “gracefully” that I was thinking of!

by Anonymousreply 20April 23, 2018 9:19 PM

R19, I like that.

by Anonymousreply 21April 23, 2018 9:25 PM

“Piss off”, is effective.

by Anonymousreply 22April 23, 2018 9:30 PM

When I was in college, “Jeanne” came up to me while I was studying. It was probably about 9 pm on a Saturday night.

She asked if she could borrow my car to go to the local night club. I actually had never spoken with her before and was surprised she knew my name. She just heard that I had a car. Nobody had cars there, despite the rural campus. It was clear that I was not invited out with her. She has guts, like me.

I asked where she was going, as I said, above?

I asked who she was going with?

Then, when she would be home?

Who would be driving?

Would they be drinking?

She was getting exasperated and showed it.

When I ran out of questions that I could think to ask, I looked her straight in the eye and said:

“I’m sorry, I don’t loan my car out to anyone under any circumstance.”

I literally saw her jaw drop as I turned to walk away.

Later she told me she thought, “What an asshole, I’ve got to get to know him better.”

by Anonymousreply 23April 23, 2018 9:50 PM

Bump

by Anonymousreply 24April 24, 2018 10:52 PM

I actually had a housekeeper like Consuela. Rosy couldn’t read or write English, and I could barely understand her at all, so I rarely gave her instructions. I used to go to work and just hope for the best.

She eventually started calling me her second son. She would occasionally call me to say she was praying for me, and I’d always thank her. She retired and her daughter works for me now. I really like her.

Consuela is good at saying “no”.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 25April 24, 2018 11:07 PM

I find the cold stare technique to be particularly good, but only with the bright ones who get it and leave. Another one is the 'why do you ask when you know what the answer will be?' The best approach, however, is a flat, no eye-contact 'no.' This does not invite response, but the stare is applied if one occurs.

by Anonymousreply 26April 24, 2018 11:13 PM

This is how you do it, baby!

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 27April 24, 2018 11:15 PM

But what if the question is:

Will you take me to the hospital ER, please?

by Anonymousreply 28April 24, 2018 11:16 PM

OP, first you have to mean it.

Second, it's all in the eyelashes.

A true No is given with the eyes wide open, followed by a long lazy blink.

A long lazy blink means you are a consistent object and you are over it. Blinnnk.

by Anonymousreply 29April 24, 2018 11:17 PM

R28, do I look like an ambulance? Call 911! (not really, I'd drive you)

by Anonymousreply 30April 24, 2018 11:19 PM

I am deeply in love with r29.

by Anonymousreply 31April 24, 2018 11:21 PM

I think R29 is giving you the long lazy blink, R31.

by Anonymousreply 32April 24, 2018 11:23 PM

Whenever I say "no" and someone challenges me with "why not?" I reply, "because I don't want to." It's a great conversation ender, especially if you're in a hurry. After years of caving to pressure, it feels quite liberating. Gosh, the amount of time I've wasted accomodating insufferable, selfish people.

by Anonymousreply 33April 24, 2018 11:27 PM

Which is why I don't look at them when I say 'no' R33. It means their question is beneath my notice. Took me far too long to realize that most people accept it and move along. Those that don't have revealed themselves and can be shunned in the future.

by Anonymousreply 34April 24, 2018 11:30 PM

My no's are unquivocal.

First I look you in the eye and say, non, homme, non. I like to watch your quizzical expression as I walk away. I can feel your eyes scanning my ripped shoulders. Feel the power, OP.

by Anonymousreply 35April 25, 2018 12:07 AM

I'm very good at saying no. And I almost never explain why. I mean you can't say "I'm staying in tonight" and then get caught out. Even if I have something already planned, I don't share that. It's not their business what I'm up to. Just say no.

by Anonymousreply 36April 25, 2018 12:07 AM

I am always good at saying no. This is not an issue I have.

Occasionally I will feign interest in something to delay the inevitable, but only if I sorta kinda have to be polite to someone.

by Anonymousreply 37April 25, 2018 12:09 AM

No is hot.

by Anonymousreply 38April 25, 2018 12:09 AM

I rarely get asked anything out of the blue. People seem to sense, not to even ask.

I do like helping nice people who need help. I put the vacuum cleaner together for the 200 year-old lady down the block, because I knew she had no one else. She was preternaturally mean to everyone, I befriended her and grew to genuinely like her. I miss her. Probably the only one on the block.

by Anonymousreply 39April 25, 2018 12:14 AM

I like all of my friends and family very much and will say "yes" unless I have something else planned. If it is an invitation to something I don't want to do I say so and ask if we could do something else together. I never lie and make up an excuse.

by Anonymousreply 40April 25, 2018 12:15 AM

You're a good man, r39, quit making me emotional.

by Anonymousreply 41April 25, 2018 12:18 AM

I briefly had a new friend who kept wanting me to run errands with him for company. I kept telling him “gracefully”, “no”, but eventually told him “no, I have my own errands to run”. That wasn’t very graceful. He’s the only person, to my knowledge, who had defriended me on FB, haha.

by Anonymousreply 42April 25, 2018 12:24 AM

I'm sorry to say that I lie, but I do.

The pushback from whomever I am talking to became overwhelming. Now I look for an out that will hurt the least.

by Anonymousreply 43April 25, 2018 12:25 AM

I suppose you're not really looking for an answer OP, since none of your choices has anything to do with grace. I'm honest, and treat people with respect. And I can tell you, that at least twice, a guys have thanked me for my candor. One even mentioned it again years later when we ran into one another with a group of other guys.

by Anonymousreply 44April 25, 2018 12:27 AM

R41, she screamed at people all the time.

She caught me planting flowers in the public tree bins on the street. I think that’s why she liked me. Plus I was cute-adjacent and didn’t break the imaginary rules.

Honestly, it takes a decade to wipe the scowl off the face of half the people who live around here.

by Anonymousreply 45April 25, 2018 12:29 AM

Hi R44, I am actually interested in honest responses because I have a real dilemma. Polls can’t truly catalog something like this anyway. I started with humor to avoid being shutdown prematurely by mean girls. I’ve learned on DataLounge over time to ease into serious topics or they go to shit immediately.

by Anonymousreply 46April 25, 2018 12:34 AM

^though I erred by not having a graceful option in the poll, you are right, R44.

by Anonymousreply 47April 25, 2018 12:36 AM

When asked by someone who is pestering me for something, I usually respond with a slight chuckle, a flicker of bewilderment showing on my face, and then a quick, light, “no” as if responding to the silliest question from a child. That makes it clear that I find their request utterly frivolous and beneath my attention, but because I’m so cheerful about it, they just don’t know what else to say. It always ends a discussion.

That’s my whole shtick in a nutshell, in fact. I approach all unpleasant situations by being so “aw-shucks, ain’t I charming,” that it stops any further unpleasantness dead, and I can be a bitch without making people cry.

This all came about because I’m told I can be an intimidating and imperious guy. By being “so darn cute,” I can still be intimidating without people being defensive.

Yes, I am a cunt. I was taught by masters. Nonetheless, I’m a happy cunt.

by Anonymousreply 48April 25, 2018 12:44 AM

R45 you nailed it. She may have caught you being yourself, but you were being yourself. Clearly you didn't apologize, knowing already that she is a screamer.

I think you did great.

As a former young with an elderly neighbor downstairs ,she scared the shit outta me, but now that I am older I can see that she was very very lonely. All that yelling was loneliness.

So, this is my way of saying good job on planting flowers where they shouldn't be.

by Anonymousreply 49April 25, 2018 12:50 AM

What's your real dilemma, OP?

I'll help a friend in need but it isn't that hard to figure out who's always asking for something but never does anything in return.

It's not that hard to say no graciously.

by Anonymousreply 50April 25, 2018 1:01 AM

"I said NO, bitch!"

by Anonymousreply 51April 25, 2018 2:29 AM

Here's my dilemma, I get hit up online by guys I'm really not attracted to. I don't want to be rude or a dick so I chat with them. When the subject of meeting comes up I don't know how to say I don't think we'd be a match. I'm afraid I've hurt some feelings and lead guys on only because I don't want to offend them. It happened today with a guy I've been chatting with for awhile. He was going to be in my area and wanted to meet. I panicked and made up a bunch of lame excuses and he knew it too. He was literally on my block. I really feel terrible about it. I didn't want to be a dick but I'm sure I was. Up to now we had a nice online thing going. Should I apologize to him and throw myself on my sword? It's really bothering me.

by Anonymousreply 52April 25, 2018 2:40 AM

[quote] Up to now we had a nice online thing going.

You can't have it both ways. You had my sympathy until that sentence.

by Anonymousreply 53April 25, 2018 2:42 AM

Well, R52...

Here's what I use: "Thanks for the chat/flirt/message/whatever, but we're not a match. Good luck!"

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 54April 25, 2018 2:48 AM

Thanks R53 I totally get why you'd say that. It was distance that kept it online. Did not expect him to be nearby today. I really fucked up I know.

by Anonymousreply 55April 25, 2018 2:49 AM

Be honest... just say you liked chatting to him but it was never about hooking up... and you realize in retrospect you didn't make that clear and are sorry for any confusion.

You put it all on you... if he's gracious he slips the hook... if he's a dick who cares what he thinks?

by Anonymousreply 56April 25, 2018 3:00 AM

Thank you R56. I'll do that . That's great advice. I really don't want bad karma. In future I'll try to be more upfront.

by Anonymousreply 57April 25, 2018 3:06 AM

[quote] R52: Should I apologize to him and throw myself on my sword?

Do you mean, throw yourself on his sword?

by Anonymousreply 58April 25, 2018 3:06 AM

Hey wanted my sword R58. Had I not been such a jerk, he would have got it.

by Anonymousreply 59April 25, 2018 3:09 AM

This cost me thousand of dollars to learn with a psychotherapist who eventually went lezbo on my ass. I was working on my issue with confrontation. I could never confront anyone. Couldn't say no.

She took me back to being 16, having a car accident and then having to tell mom and dad. What would be their reaction?

Dad would start in with the blaming. Calling me a cowgirl with a lead foot. Mom would start freaking out over insurance costs. Mon dioux! This would go on before they eventually supported me. They couldn't help their original reaction. As I'm explaining to the therapist, I'm understanding the underlying reaction to my problem. The inability to say no or confront problems with others stemmed from their dysfunctional ways .Saying no and confronting people doesn't have to be a grand to do. It's actually healthy. Gets things solved. I blame their reactions to a sibling who was crying for help but wouldn't go home to a gorgeous extra apartment that was available in their house when he ran into trouble by marrying someone they didn't approve. They were right of course but he knew the reaction he would have to endure before the help and support. He would not come home. Instead he took a shotgun to his chest on Christmas day.

See it for what it is and learn from this post.

by Anonymousreply 60April 25, 2018 3:55 AM

I can’t possibly.

by Anonymousreply 61April 25, 2018 12:04 PM

I said “yes”!

Out of topic, but I recall helping a Frau thru Organic Chemistry in College...

I had previously helped a former roommate through the “o-chem 1” class by giving him my class notes. Then I took a semester off, and he continued with o-chem 2. His final test was a national, standardized, numbered exam. At the end, the very large class passed the exams forward to the teacher, and he took an exam from a student behind. Not very nice. He later gave it to me. He’s now a chiropractor.

I and a friend used the stolen exam as a study guide. It was a few years old already when he took it. Anyway, my friend and I who sat for the exam later, were shocked when the teacher passed out the exact same exam. We thought it would be a newer, revised, different version I wish everyone to have that thrill, once in their life. My friend is now a pharmacist.

I mention this all because someone else Facebooked me this month to say I helped her graduate. She would have been expelled without my help, she said, also in chemistry. I don’t recall a thing about this other person.

by Anonymousreply 62April 25, 2018 2:30 PM

Ohhhh, I just checked. I also shared the test with both fraus, and both were at risk of expulsion (school is hard!), and both had the same exam as a final. La de da!

by Anonymousreply 63April 25, 2018 2:41 PM

[quote] I really fucked up I know.

I give you credit OP. You own your mistakes.

And let's be honest, most of us have been there. Chatted with guys who were fun chats online but who we never intended to meet IRL. Back in the day it was AOL or phone sex lines. Now it's apps that tell you when someone's within 100 feet of you.

by Anonymousreply 64April 25, 2018 2:47 PM

R52 here. Thanks for the advice guys. This might have a happy ending. We actually talked again today and worked things out. I apologized and he did too. He thought maybe he was being too pushy and blamed himself. I admitted that I got cold feet. No blocking, no ghosting. We agreed that next time he's nearby we will meet. He'll give me advance notice. We talked through some other stuff too. We both feel so much better. It bothered him a lot too apparently. This situation really got to me. We've never met but do have some sort of history. In hindsight, it would have been a shame to let that get thrown away, tenuous as it is. Everybody has feelings. I learned a lesson.

by Anonymousreply 65April 25, 2018 11:56 PM

R64, that’s not OP.

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 66April 26, 2018 1:37 AM
Loading
Need more help? Click Here.

Yes indeed, we too use "cookies." Take a look at our privacy/terms or if you just want to see the damn site without all this bureaucratic nonsense, click ACCEPT. Otherwise, you'll just have to find some other site for your pointless bitchery needs.

×

Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!