Let’s be an Ina Garten recipe!

Ina Garten is a farting cunt!

I'm the bean dip.

"I'm a little tricky, but worth it."

I'm the 7 sticks of room temperature butter

Im the vastly overpriced ingredients

I’m all the measuring tools since measurements are a must.

I’m the ‘good, quality, overpriced cheeses’ for her cheese platters. It’s a must to buy high quality cheese.

Thank you for the thread, OP!

Today, I purchased a 2-pound bag of fresh Brussel sprouts diced pancetta. One of my Thanksgiving side dishes will be Ina's oven roasted Brussel Spouts and Pancetta.

For extra enhancement to the recipe, I add a tsp each of Garlic and Onion powder during the tossing process, with "Really Good Olive Oil" and coarse black pepper (milled) pink Himalayan salt!

I’m Jeffrey’s penis that he rubs all over the counters as he eats her ‘best recipe ever’.

I'm the half of a teaspoon of pear brandy required to pull off this Pear Clafouti recipe. Good luck trying to find me in your pantry bitches!

R8 You know Ina wouldn't use onion powder or garlic powder. Begone. Ye be banished from Barefoot.

I am the $18,000 stove in the $100,500 remodeled barn and I run hot

I’m the flowers delivered by Michael to aid in the beauty and decor from her fabulous recipe.

You're nothing but a rotten, crooked cook ... supplying the grease that makes this shitty food business work. You think your life's a mystery? There isn't a dirty casserole up in this entire business that I don't know about, and YOUR hand is in EVERY ONE of them... you REEK OF IT!

I am her tailored shirts that cover up Her beautiful breast as she creates magnificent food.

R11 - I get points for the "Really Good Olive Oil" and Pink Himalayan Salt!

R14 Peg... you there??? Uhm, did you forget to take your meds?

I'm the twink college student that fucks Jeffrey while Ina is whipping up a four course brunch.

I am the immersion blender and if she knew what Jeffrey used it for when she was out driving her new Mercedes to the market to buy the most overpriced ingredients on earth she would shit.

I’m her nervous constant neurotic laugh as she perfectly measures every good quality ingredient.

I'm TR Pescod talking shit about this big bitch behind her back, gurl.

I’m Framboise, Calvados, and Kirsch liquors. You need a half teaspoon of me and you’ll never use me again.

I'm the fatigued "Mini Cooper" that labors under her weight every morning as we crawl to The East Hampton Village every day for (even more) food.

I'm the dark, cramped Upper East Side co-op Ina bought for $4.6m and is having trouble unloading at half the price.

I’m Jeffrey and was gardening NAKED in Ina’s beautifully manicured garden and I accidentally fell on a zucchini and half of it broke off in my ass.

R25 I’m the cucumbers that Jeffrey shoves up his ass when Ina isn’t looking.

I’m grated lemon zest, I’m in everything.

R27 I hope you only use high quality organic lemons.

This could have been such a good thread.

My partner and I are obsessed with "Barefoot Contessa" reruns. He, more than I: he's begun to ask me to change my hairstyle to a shiny brunette bob and wear an oversized indigo blue pinwale corduroy shirt.

R29 I find it exhilarating

I’m the clinking of her measuring spoons.

We're the Beef Bourguignon, Lobster Mac and Cheese, and Blue Cheese Coleslaw. Unlike Taste and Spit Giada, Ina makes sure that we don't go to waste after we've been prepared for TV.

R31, you are probably The Experienced Baker.

Ina's special ingredient.

Organically sourced

I'm the inane "Ask Ina" reader question, answered with ill-hidden disdain.

We're the matching "Chef Clogs" Ina coordinates with her oversized Indigo blue pinwale corduroy shirts.

The only reason we're here this evening is because we finally have the night off. We're exhausted.

I'm the Giacosa Bruno Barolo 1989 she's actually drinking at the end of the episode, thanks to her special relationship with her wine merchant sponsor, instead of the Podere Brancaia Tre Rosso swill she's peddling for them that she pretends is "absolutely delicious."

I’m her assistant that always kisses her ass.

I’m her xxxl eggs that should only be used at room temp. The larger and fresher the egg the better. All from the Hampton Chicken Farm.

I’m Goodness, and I’m sad. Why does she always question my ability to consistently perform my duties at the highest level? Why, just once, can’t she accept that I’m in whatever she’s made, toiling away silently, being very, very good?

I’ve never given her reason to doubt me, apart from that one incident with the DL troll who moaned about the price of white chocolate chips and dried cranberries, but that bitch was insane. Is it wrong of me to want a little acknowledgement....just once?

I'm truffle butter.

I’m the really really good quality chocolate bar used for decadence desserts.

Leave Ina alone. i really love her. Good grief, if you do not want to make something, just do not make it.

R44 we all like her that’s the point. We are having fun! Chill, you’re being way too sensitive.

I love you all, but R41 more than most.

[quote]her oversized Indigo blue pinwale corduroy shirts.

I always thought they were silk.

They're not shirts -- they're SHENTS.

I’m a half teaspoon of instant coffee or espresso added to chocolate desserts, you’d be really surprised what depth of flavor I bring to chocolate.

I'm the bad egg she cracks in a separate bowl.

Those who use liquid vanilla extract should be banished from society. Dears, if you can't afford to buy vanilla beans, just stay out of the kitchen for heaven's sake.

I’m “clean hands” as Ina tosses her vegetables on the tray in olive oil, salt, and freshly ground black pepper.

Roasted vegetables are a revelation.

R44 here. I am an interloping cunt who keeps getting stuck in the DL flypaper. I also am an idiot.

I’m saffron and I come from the stamens of crocuses, just to help you visualize that.

We’re the Liebermans, Dylan Lauren, Rob Marshall, and other rich people who visit Ina and help her out in the kitchen. None of us have actually ever cooked before. Or eaten, for that matter.

I'm the loud honk of the sloppy, squirty shart that Ina tries to camouflage from the film crew by turning on the Insinkerator.

And it might have worked, too, if not for the overwhelming stench of her Shrimp and Sausage Jambalaya spiced shit that set off the carbon monoxide detector.

*FAAAAAAARRRRRTTTTTT*

I'm Ina's bland oatmeal, cranberry & chocolate chunk cookies that are a total waste of time and money to make, especially during the holidays when time and money are at a premium.

R57, are you The Experienced Baker or merely an Experienced Baker Troll?

I am her dirty hands that i never see her wash after handling all of Jeffrey’s Friday night chicken meals.

R53 oh my God! I’m laughing so hard. I just had to show my partner your post. Thank you!

I'm the 50 bucks worth of flowers she grabbed from the grocery table "for the table".

oops grocery "store"

I’m the chicken at the ‘Chicken Hampton Farm’ that tries to run from Ina as she chases and lusts after me to have me butchered for Jeffrey’s Friday night chicken dinner. Ina actually fell on me and broke my legs, and now refuses to use me due to not being of ‘high quality’. I’m now a ‘blue light’ special waiting to be eaten.

Now how easy was that

I’m the CHARCOAL barbecue which is a must when barbecuing. Fuck Gas, charcoal is a must.

I’m cilantro. I’m nowhere to be found in her recipes, her garden, or her life.

I’m one of Ina’s chef friends that does a segment on my favorite recipe to eat. See what I can do too.

I'm the subtle shade thrown when Ina knows you can't afford the truly "good" ingredients, you trash.

I’m her secret lesbian lover that she cooks for only M-Thursday

I am Ina Garten and you guys are hilarious. Love you.

R70 I’m Jeffrey and I need some help with this damn zucchini which broke off in my ass.

I am the pungent odor of Ina's farts permeating every molecule of the precious food she is preparing.

i am the many millions of dollars of flat in Paris that ina and jeffrey use once a year. maybe.

oui oui! non?

I’m the white dishes that must only be used when serving due to really emphasizing what’s on the plate.

I’m the corpse of Anna Pump, barking “NEIN! NEIN! NEIN!” in my grave.

I'm another goddamned fucking cheese board.

I'm the blue cheese that makes the worst slaw I've ever tasted but other people love me.

We’re the unborn children that might have made her complete.

R78 LOL

I am the average bottle of vanilla who is always left out.

Does Ina know what the word "easy" means?

I'm her eggs.

I’m her big ass sifter.

I'm her often-referenced, but never credited, French friend whose recipes tips have kept Ina in business.

I’m her never-mentioned, and certainly never credited, demonic salesbottom whose shoe recommendations have kept Ina in the #1 spot of Satan’s who-wore-it-worst list for over a decade.

Look at her hooves!

I am Ina’s elastic waist polyester pants that help her move eloquently in the kitchen while fixing her fabulous cheese platters, God Damn it don’t forget the fig leaves and fresh off the tree figs.

R85, you met me at my joke, and raised me one or two more.

I’m her belief that whatever is inside the dish should also be on top of the dish, “this way you know what’s in there.”

I’m the sink that is hardly ever used.

[quote]I’m her xxxl eggs that should only be used at room temp. The larger and fresher the egg the better. All from the Hampton Chicken Farm.

You read my mind. Try finding XL organic or even free range eggs in anything other than large at you local Whole Foods or Co-op... or even the local guy who sells door to door in small towns. If you want anything other than large you have to settle for eggs from chickens held in teeny tiny prisons who shit all over each other all day long. Even more confounding, what is the large egg equivalent of 2 XL (or XXL eggs)? It just can't be done without unnecessary waste and an expensive scale from Williams Sonoma. I have never understood her fetish for oversized eggs.

Hers are the only recipes I've ever seen that don't use Large eggs. It's really become the standard in cooking/baking. Obviously it doesn't matter that much in something like an omelette, but it could make a difference in baking.

In defense of extra large eggs, I know someone who makes the best brownies in the world (believe me, I've tested) & she says that her secret is using "jumbo" size eggs. I don't know whether that's what's responsible, but her brownies are better than anyone else's.

Well Ina, I make my own damn vanilla! Take that $100 bottle and shove it.

As someone who bakes R92, the difference between a large and an extra large egg can make a huge difference. The extra fat in a few XL eggs could turn a fluffy cake or pastry into an oily mess. I know she rarely ventures into leavened desserts, but her insistence on a relatively uncommon ingredient in nearly all of her recipes that involve raw eggs strikes me as more than a wee bit controlling and narcissistic.

If you can’t afford shent-sized eggs, peasant eggs are fine. Just take the image below to the literate person in your trailer park and they’ll tell you the weight you’ll need in order to make the substitution.

How easy is that?

R96 make sure you have a top of the line scale to weigh your eggs. If it’s not over 63 grams don’t make the fucking recipe, because it will be worthless.

If you can’t afford a kitchen scale, shoplifted is fine. I’m sure you have lots of experience! If hell has truly frozen over and you wretches aren’t skilled in the art of the five-finger discount, just take the bus to your nearest Walmart, buy a scale, use it throughout the festive season, then return it.

How thrifty is that?

I don’t remember the egg discussion, does she always specify “extra large” or “jumbo” eggs? I know she always cracks them separately in a small bowl in order to identify a bad egg or shells prior to dropping them in.

i am Ina's moist, dewy, slim over all beauty......gone, but not forgotten.

R99 She always says "extra large." I've never seen Jumbo eggs in a supermarket. Usually they just have large and extra large.

I don’t know much about baking, but I always buy extra large eggs just because they seem a better value. It makes sense that they can ruin a recipe though, and maybe that’s why my baking attempts sometimes come out dense.

Like R102, I always used XL eggs, and during the 1980s, I baked a lot. Never had a problem.

Would you say you're an Experienced Baker, R103?

Ina good FART! Fart fart fart

While I am [italic]an [/italic] experienced baker, r104, I am not [italic]The [/italic] Experienced Baker.

I must have missed the meme here regarding dried cranberries. I guess one of her recipes misfired?

r107 Apparently, we ran The Experienced Baker off DL. Ina brought him to tears because she specified the good dried cranberries and the good white chocolate for cookies that didn't turn out as well for him as they had for her.

Then, we made him cry all over again.

R108 poor guy. Lmao

Probably his problem with using dried cranberries was he didn’t soak them in a very very good gallon of rum to rehydrate them. Remember good alcohol is a must when plumping up dried fruit.

The sad case of The Experienced Baker starts at r87...

[bold]1.[/bold] I want Ina to know that she ruined my Xmas. I used her recipe for cranberry chocolate chunk cookies that was featured on Yahoo and they were AWFUL. The ingredients were expensive, too. Everyone who ate them at Xmas thought they were bad cookies.

[bold]2.[/bold] The cookies were awful because they were soggy due to the oatmeal and the cranberries added no flavor to the cookie. It was a waste of an entire day making those things and the dark chocolate and dried cranberries were expensive. As rich as she is, she owes me a refund of my time and money.

I've made a similar recipe from Martha Stewart in previous Xmases, and I should have stuck with that recipe, since her cookies were fabulous. Martha uses dried cherries in hers, which have a nice tart flavor.

[bold]3.[/bold] I'm a skilled baker, so the problem isn't with me. The recipe is flawed when the edges burn and the center is still raw. I also have a top-of-the-line Wolf oven, so my oven isn't the problem, either.

[bold]4.[/bold] I did all of that. Like I said, I'm an experienced baker. I lowered the oven temp, changed rack positions, and even tried flattening the cookies before baking, and nothing worked. The recipe is flawed and that's all there is to it!

Irregardless of the baking problems, the cookies were bland. Martha Stewart's recipe for similar cookies is fabulous.

[bold]5.[/bold] I did all of that. Like I said, I'm an experienced baker. I lowered the oven temp, changed rack positions, and even tried flattening the cookies before baking, and nothing worked. The recipe is flawed and that's all there is to it!

Irregardless of the baking problems, the cookies were bland. Martha Stewart's recipe for similar cookies is fabulous.

[bold]6.[/bold] "Irregardless" is the correct word and I used it correctly.

[bold]7.[/bold] They weren't up to my standards in terms of texture and taste, but they weren't inedible, which several of you have wrongly implied.

I used the word "irregardless" correctly, which was verified by another poster, but several of you have used the word "inedible" incorrectly. Inedible implies that you can't eat something without becoming ill. That certainly wasn't the case with my cookies. It's not like I accidentally used rat poison instead of sugar. No one had to be rushed to the emergency room on Xmas eve because of my cranberry chocolate chunk cookies.

I believe this is the recipe. Salty Oatmeal Chocolate Chunk Cookies. Level: Intermediate.

[quote]Irregardless of the baking problems, the cookies were bland.

[quote]"Irregardless" is the correct word and I used it correctly.

[quote]I used the word "irregardless" correctly

Sounds as if she's as Experienced a Baker as she is a Grammarian.

I got jumbo organic eggs at my food coop and the yolks were just as small as the large eggs. There was just more white. Who the fuck wants more white unless you're making a ton of meringue or marshmallows or something. I wanted bigger yolks. So not worth the money.

R114 irregardless about where you bought eggs they needed to be purchased at an upscale egg house, as in Hampton Chicken Farm. Try again...

Jeffrey just loves my farts! They smell heavenly.

BIg Ina fan here. But never ever use her baking recipes...they never work...dry, tasteless, terrible. Martha's baking recipes work every time and are delicious.

r117 R U TEB?

I'm T.R. spreading my creme anglaise all over Jeffrey's face on one of his "business trips"

I’m TR sad about the loss of Ina in my life. Damn, I just wanted to be a star too. FML

The women loves cheese, France and liquor. Really, how bad can she be? Her shows are interesting and calming all at the same time. She's my spirit Fairy Godmother. And another thing, high-grade bourbon vanilla is BETTER.

R121 uhm, I travel to Madagascar for my vanilla means on a monthly basis. If you do not have Madagascar vanilla beans. Just stay the fuck away from vanilla. You are not a true chef then...

Ina’s fat. She needs to lose weight.

R122 oops nervous neurotic laugh I meant to say ‘beans’ not ‘means’

Irregardless?

Oh, dear.

r114: i SO agree. I use whole eggs when baking. For breakfast i break the egg into my hand and let that useless mucousy white slowly drip out between my fingers and place the yolks in the hot hash browns to cook.....off the heat.

I LOATHE egg whites. and you are right about yolk size.

we need BIGGER!!

I’m the 14 cloves of garlic, exactly 14 organic cloves, used to make her 14 cloves garlic chicken. Use less and it will just mess everything up.

I'm the red onion, added for heat.

She probably includes the baking recipes because she has too for her audience. I like her savory recipes alot but haven't tried the baking ones because I don't care much about sweets and am not motivated to "bake".

[quote] Remember good alcohol is a must when plumping up dried fruit.

So I could soak Jeffrey's nuts in a really good cognac?

R130 I don’t need any plumping up just ask all my boyfriends.

I’m Ina’s estranged family that she never discusses or gets the chance to try her fabulous recipes.

Never stand down wind from Ima farter! Pee you!!!!

To add even more heat, besides red onions, increase the black pepper.

Please watch me on "The Great American Baking Show" on ABC premiering Dec. 7.

Who the fuck is Anthony "Spice" Adams? Looks like a big ol' queen.

Jeffrey is a big ole queen. Doesn’t Ina know?

I'm whatever you have.

I'm the horribly acted taped segments when Ina waddles into town to buy something from a cheese shop or the supermarket.

I'm Joe Realmuto from Townline BBQ.

I’m the sound of a half pound of room temperature cream cheese being plopped into her food processor.

I’m the sound of her many many farts. She’s gross.

I’m her homemade flavored mayonnaise made with homegrown herbs

I am the rosemary and thyme freshly picked from the garden of my 35million dollar home in East Hampton...I never eat my own food. I dine at Nick and Toni's nightly

I am the lobster in her homemade lobster Mac and Cheese.

I’m the lemon zest and fresh squeezed lemon juice that makes the lobster and shells salad taste like $50 + dollars worth of ingredients have spoiled.

I am the tastebuds r146 appears to have lost.

Nope. I agree that a bit of acid wakes up a dish, but her recipe calls for mayonaiase in my opinion the delicate balancing act of acid to oil/egg emulsion in the mayo was foiled by all the lemon she called for. It really did suddenly take on a disagreeable flavor. The kind of flavor that makes someone say “is this turning?” The lobster was sweet and fresh and the dish wasn’t left out so it’s not like it i had time to spoil. Next time I’ll cut the amount of lemon. You can always add more, but once it’s there you’re stuck.

I’m the only store bought puff pastry, ‘because really who wants to mess with making that...’. I mean really, per Ina.

Interesting

Le Creuset is offering to pay me millions for dutch oven commercial. Let's just say it involves me, Jeffrey and a duvet.

I'm Michael the florist who never gets invited to the A-list parties.

R152 I noticed that too! She uses him.

Isn't that Miguel, R152?

French oven, R151. Of course, that ruins your ever so trenchant fart joke.

I'm the long, empty hallway behind Ina's kitchen that is kept clear of any furniture, picture frames, or hints of what may lie in the other rooms of Ina's house.

We need a damn Giada thread I would have a hey day with that too.

I’m all her many bottles of $1000 alcohol bottles that aid in her comfort with her friends. She gets so giggly when drinking.

I’m the boxes of fresh produce all coming from the organic farmed owned by two women ‘Amber Waves Farm.’ I won’t know what I will even make, even on live TV, until my box arrives. Oh yeah, right!

R155 is the master of farts. She's the fart master.

However, this seems to have escaped her gaseous embrace.

I wish that I could smell one of Ina’s farts.

I'll bet you do, R161.

Thanks R126. I have to try that. I will use whole eggs as called for in a recipe but my breakfast almost every day are yolks. That is what I want from an egg. I do hate the white, no matter how you cook the egg the white is nasty and I don't like scrambled. I like a piece of toast dunked in that yolk. I usually do 3 eggs, 2 yolks and one white because I feel guilty throwing all the whites away so I choke it down. Besides, I think the white has the protein.

BTW, my cholesterol is low the bad part LDL is low and the good HDL is higher than normal. I've eaten eggs for breakfast my entire life and so did my grandfather who lived to be 90 and I'll bet his father did too. My dad lived to 87 and he hated eggs so it skipped a generation I guess. I often have bacon, sausage or ham with it too. I don't care for potatoes in the morning or grits or any cereal, just one slice of buttered white or rye toast. The king of my breakfast is the yolks, runny as hell.

If I had Ina's money I'd try those Hampton eggs but that is not in my future, the money or the eggs. Since I didn't get more bang for my bucks with the jumbo organic eggs I have access to I'm back to using my safe pasteurized shell eggs since I do like them almost raw I don't want to be in constant fear or food poisoning.

Meant to say, R126, I will try your recipe for dinner. I can do potatoes for dinner, just not in the AM. I do eggs for breakfast and dinner at least once a week.

I'm Ina's social media consultancy. Our Beijing hacking subcontractors are taking this site down father than a souffle frightened by a gunshot.

R165 ok go run along and play now...

**faster, See, that's how fast we are.

I am the big organic turkey that Ina will eat with all my friends.

I'm the volume in all of her recipes, always turned up.

I’m her preplanning notepad that has exact times for when food is to be prepared. Why stress!?! Write it down.

I’m one of her card playing buddies puking up all the excessive lemon zest and salt from her lemon chicken. Funny Jeffrey never responds like that... everything is perfect.

Ina Farten is fat.

I’m Ina’s bush that is so huge it is visible in her pants. That is why she has to wear long shirts. Although, Jeffrey supposedly like her bush it hides her disgusting snatch. Ina in her 20’s.

R173 lmao

I’m Jeffrey’s daily walks he takes.

Ima Farten. Stinky ones.

R173-That’s just nasty!

I'm the same blouse in every color that Ina wheres one of in every show.

I'm Ina's hair. I'm probably gray and died but nice and healthy and shiny looking for being on the head of someone Ina's age.

I’m the one teaspoon of Calvados you’ll need for the recipe. You had to visit four different liquor stores to find me. Put the rest of me in the liquor cabinet, you’ll never use me again.

[quote]I'm the same blouse in every color

They're not blouses, they're SHENTS. Pay attention.

R14 Kudos for the classic reference. It's worthy of a WW, though with all due respect, a bit over the top. Peg would have poured a martini, lit a cigarette and stared sullenly at the sink rather than throttling Ina.

That said, I would have loved to see a cookoff between those two.

I 'm the cheap ass cookies, she, of course, brought overpriced, soaked in liquor.