Let's be things in a frau's Christmas décor...

I'm the festive "Live, Laugh, Love" hand towels that go in the bathroom the day after Halloween (and accidentally stay there until Valentine's day)

I'm the soft-sculpture display of UCSs hung on the wall that supports the staircase.

I'm the cement goose on the porch, decked out in red and green tartan bonnet and frock.

I am the tied felt wreath in red and green affixed to the front door.

I thought that said "tired felt wreath."

I am the elf in a shelf that will be photographed in cheeky situations ad nauseum for weeks on end. Bonus points for use of hersheys kisses and Barbie.

O, it's tired too r5

OFGS, I'm the mistletoe.

And I am the endless Facebook and Instagram posts featuring R6s, elf on the shelf.

I'm the shitty Christmas cookies made by somebody who has no business baking. Unfortunately the Christmas spirit doesn't bestow culinary skills on people.

I'm the festive soap!

A must have....a holiday shower curtain

I'm this hideous thing

I'm the collective eye roll of millions of teachers who receive "home made craft ornaments" such as this...please just give us a Starbucks/Peets gift card or nothing at all.

I'm the family dog in an ugly Christmas sweater. I'll be chewing your Jimmy Choos later.

I'm the handwritten holiday card.

I am a cat motif inevitably worked in somehow.

I'm the Clay Aiken Christmas CD propped up on a bayberry candle.

I'm the holiday 'chalkboard decorations' for the closet frau who thinks she is high class. Isn't this cute and retro?

I'm the Christmas tree baubles with One Direction heads.

What is closeted about that, R19? That's the frauiest thing I've ever seen.

I'm this Santa, so cheeky!!

All it takes is a few bucks, a little imagination and a trip to Michaels to have a fabulous tree topper.

OMG, r13, it's "Talky Tina" from that "Twilight Zone" episode - all decked out for the holidays!

I'm plums and cinnamon and nutmeg and cloves and orange slices and brown sugar and vanilla and we're all cozily simmering in a copper pot along with her favorite merlot. We make the house smell dreamy, but when she strains me and starts passing me around in mugs people make a bitter looking face and take one polite sip. Doesn't matter, nothing's ruining her Christmas!

I leave the holiday decorating to my son. Can you believe he's over thirty and still single?

I'm the acrylic snowman family purchased at the clearance aisle at Tuesday Morning last year.

I am the passive aggressive posts on Facebook in which I make sure that my VERY HAPPY family and GORGEOUS husband are constantly posted because you are single and alone.

I'm the two-story inflatable reindeer on the front lawn!

I am the house down the block that the frau is jealous of, though she'd call me tacky to anyone who will listen.

[quote] I leave the holiday decorating to my son. Can you believe he's over thirty and still single?

Well maybe if you hadn't voted against marriage equality I wouldn't be! Now I’m off to Datalounge to take my shock, anger and heartbreak at Ricky Schroder’s conversion to Mormonism to marry that dumb superstitious broad and her stupid dream board out on the whole world!

I'm the Radio City Christmas Spectacular! I will bore the shit out of you and make your kids suicidal.

I decorate my man too!

Oh god, R33. I'd rather slit my wrists than be that guy.

I'm the petit bourgeois-rrific Pinterest board with 4,000+ DIY Christmas crafts. Fire up those glue guns, gals!

All of this is so like what is done in the upper mid-west.

I'm a 20-year-old colorized VHS tape of [italic]It's a Wonderful Life[/italic] recorded at LP speed with low-fi sound and with the third reel of the movie unwatchable due to the multitude of jump cuts, scratches and splices in the tenth-generation 16mm print it was sourced from.

I'm the leg lamp she bought for hubby!!

I'm a series of collectable mugs from 1980s Christmas movies. The amount of lead in them is small but enough to slowly poison the entire family over the course of the next 50 years.

I'm the homemade Christmas wreath that's simply ADORBS!

I'm the Christmas reef that's celebratin' the return of REAL AMERICA, and our right to bare arms!

And [bold]MERRY CHRISTMAS![/bold] None of that "Happy Holidays" mess for me, goddammit.

[quote]I decorate my man too!

They're too young to be so appalling, r33. Perhaps it's bad hipster irony? No, I guess not.

*shoots self*

LMAO at this entire thread especially R16 and R41

I am the spritzer that reeks throughout the house. It is meant to smell like pine, but is actually a migraine inducing scent resembling mothballs and mint.

I'm the Snowbabies collection that gets brought out and painstakingly displayed every year Thanksgiving Weekend! She has been collecting them since 1984 and her hubby gets her a new Snowbaby every Christmas "from the kids" to add to her collection.

Don't forget to put the lid down when you're done.

Gather around and I will tell you the story of Santa Claus bringing gifts to the Baby Jesus.

I am the picture of the Darfur Orphan the family sponsors, proudly displayed on the Christmas tree. Look how happy I am now that I have an American sponsor family.

As soon as these babies cool off they're going on the donut wall in the foyer.

I'm the peppermint scented candle the size of a coffee can. I am 10 years old and have never been lit.

I am the tasteful Christmas crackers lovingly placed beside everyone's plate.

I turn my fall pumpkins into festive winter snowmen.

I love you bitches!

[post redacted because linking to dailymail.co.uk clearly indicates that the poster is either a troll or an idiot (probably both, honestly.) Our advice is that you just ignore this poster but whatever you do, don't click on any link to this putrid rag.]

I always love a good frau thread!

I'm these Christmas tree scented sticks, lovingly tucked into the branches of the plastic tree hauled out of the garage early November - a real tree makes a mess on the new rug from HomeGoods, and this way the dog isn't yakking up pine needles on my Snow Babies display

[quote] I'm the cheeky photo of Mario Lopez.

I'm the [italic]Golden Girls[/italic] episode where he got deported playing on TV Land in the background as she hangs Christopher Radko ornaments on the tree.

I'm the Christmas sweater vest this guy's gay frau husband knitted for him. He actually loves me, because I remind him of the Christmas sweaters his mom would always knit for his dad.

I'm a soft sculpture angel

Food's ready for the tree trimming party!

I'm the stack of personalized Santa hats, ready for an impromptu photo session that read "Mom", "Daddy", "Brian", "Brianna", and a tiny totes adorbs one for "Nipsy Russell" the Terrier!!

I'm the INSANELY over priced leftover Hallmark ornaments from the 80's and 90's that are treated as collector items and have their own website. DH WILL buy them for me!!

r61 I feel like we could be great friends for a 'candid' photo shoot.

I'm the Shutterfly Christmas cards that her frauen friends & family all send. They are all hung diagonally along the garland that drapes across the front of the fireplace mantle. Most of the kids look like little trolls, despite frauen's best efforts at dressing them up and later, photoshop.

r63 Oh so fun and playful! Truly joyous!!

(I'm the hysterically underlined expressions of happiness.)

I'm the homemade fudge, delivered to all the close neighbors on paper plates, with saran wrap over it and a red bow.

And it's the best fudge you have ever tasted in your life.

I'm three decades of Mannheim Steamroller on a continuous loop.

I'm the Christmas Pickle Ornament hiding in the center of your tree.

Does anyone even know I'm here?

13 year-old Jason found it, and put it to very good use.

I'm the lovable cat that you just adopted from the shelter because every one wants a kitty for Christmas. I'm patiently waiting for everyone to leave for Midnight Mass so I can get my paws on that shiny, sparkly, beautifully decorated Christmas Tree.

I'm the Christmas nails! She will have them done at the Asian place in the plaza next to the Starbucks. Ooooh it's such a treat! A different theme on each nail! Squeee! She can't wait to show the girls at work!

I'm Jason, and I spent the better part of Christmas Eve in the Emergency Room. I didn't realize that pickle was made from handblown glass.

I'm the naughty but nice lingerie I bought to surprise my man on Christmas Eve

. Look away, dear baby Jesus! LOL!!!!!

r72 That must be a different Jason.

Grandad hewed his pickle for grandmother, and it's been in the family ever since.

I'm the Christmas card with all the family on the front. Inside me is a typed newsletter all about the family's doings this year. Julia has a new hamster and Joey has just learnt to drive.

I am the "who" when you call "who's there?"

Are you a Who from Whoville ?

I'm the stack of Christmas donations, stamped and ready to post. I will sit on the entry table for all visitors to see, and will be mailed on January 3.

We're those "little bastards" who stole the statue of Baby Jesus from the Nativity scene in front of Saint Patrick's Cathedral.

I'm the entire professionally decorated for Christmas house in the Tasteful Friends thread above.

We're what's left of the 12 Days of Christmas ornaments after 6 Geese a Layin' and 5 Golden Rings shattered four years ago.

I'm a rattlesnake who hates the frau and hates Christmas. I've slithered in and I'm coiled around the base of the Christmas tree, waiting to strike when she goes to turn on the lights.

I'm the lazer projector used inside. I cause seziours to epilepctic children but hey gurl it is christmas.

It can never be too kitschy never

I'm the frau's eldest son. I'm gay and all her other children are homophobic, so I dread Christmas. But the frau loves me and makes my special biscuits and lets me keep my cat in my room when I stay over. I've brought the frau a rainbow bauble for the tree.

I'm the Charlie Brown nativity scene. I make everyone over age 45 smile wistfully.

I'm the rainbow tinsel the frau bought in the hope that her youngest daughter might finally tell her she's a lesbian. The frau has known for years but doesn't want to ask outright.

I shitfaced Uncle George, and your damn nine foot Christmas tree just ran right in front of me and knocked us both down.

I am the steaming mug of mulled apple cider that you will cradle as you watch the kiddos rehearse for their Sunday school Christmas play. Little Briianne is going to be Mary and Jayxon is the Star of Bethlehem!! So precious. You'll have to inundate Facebook and your gay co-worker with pics!

I am the Santa costume for the Pomeranian.

I am the stark realization that I actually hate Christmas.

R47, just so you know, Santa rode a dinosaur to visit Baby Jesus, because Columbus hadn't discovered the flying reindeer at the North Pole yet. My kids learned about it in history class.

I'm glogg.

I'm the ceramics Christmas village which our Frau carefully arranges every year. She always wants to make it an event, but the kids would rather text their friends and the husband is always 'working late.'

I'm the missing Baby Jesus from the Nativity Set. I'm not being withheld from the manger because it isn't Christmas yet. I was actually there well before Thanksgiving. I disappeared during the usual hubbub of the holidays and currently reside in the innards belonging to one of the triplets, where I'm causing a potentially fatal blockage. Sorting out which of the three girls has this life-threatening issue will be problematic as they're all whiny and look perpetually constipated. I'll probably be taking a life before the New Year, but there is a silver lining: My presence in this child's gut will make her the only one of her sisters ever to get a male inside of her. Considering the 'striking' looks of the trio, this is quite an accomplishment. Merry Christmas!

I'm the one-of-a-kind tree skirt that just screams "it's Christmas!"

I am the new rescue cat that the frau has taken in 'because no-one should be alone for Christmas'. On my first night alone in the lounge, I destroy the 7 foot Christmas tree and pee over all the presents.

I'm the twenty bottles of Poo-Pouri in gift boxes stashed in my gift closet. I'm ready for unexpected visitors who show up bearing gifts.

Just add a bow and they're ready to go!

And the stockings were hung by the chimney with care...

I'm the plus-sized festive sweater from the Quacker Factory.

I'm Maxwell House Inernational Café Instant Pumpkin Spice Latte powder, ready for anyone who drops by!

I'm the Grey Goose vodka the frau mixes with her coffee and sips constantly throughout the festive season, which she finds incredible stressful as all her relatives rely on her to host Christmas and descend en masse expecting dinner and more.

I'm the frau's bottle of Xanax. She's going to up her dose to 2mg a day over the holiday season.

I love you Op, I truly do. That was funny.

I'm the tacky cardboard 'Jesus is the Reason for the Season' sign attached to the front door. I was attached by a frau wearing her XXL 'Dear Santa, I want it ALL!' sweatshirt

OMG, yes R104!!

We are the frau's festive tissues, printed with reindeers. The frau will be alone this Christmas except for her Bengal cats and we will soak up her tears.

I am the tasteful centerpiece.

I am the fake reindeer antlers that get put on the head of the dog, probably a black lab. Or a golden lab.

I'm that five pound box of cheap Zachary's Chocolates hiding on the top shelf of the closet, to put out for the Christmas guests. But tomorrow she will open me and start to demolish the box of candy. By Saturday night, she will have eaten the entire box all by herself.

I am the closet case, still good looking, gym going husband. I am basically used as a step and fetch it and houseboy by the materialistic, shallow, ignorant of all things wife. I am late coming home from work because I stopped to have a beer with the guys after work. Yeah, right. Just a beer. I have....thoughts.....when one of the guys in particular puts his arm around me to jokingly console me on the loss of my team.

^^ I see this every Christmas at a relative's house.

I'm the razor blade I'm going to use to slash my wrists after reading all 111 of these posts in one sitting.

We're the lovely holiday napkin holders the madam recently bought for her planned eloquent family dinner, hosting the relatives.

Kim's tasteful nativity scene she placed on the decorated mantle among the hanging stockings and clock.

R2 what are UCSs?

I'm the christmas decoration made out of plastic spoons that she got the idea from pinterest

I'm the Whitman's Sampler proudly displayed on the coffee table because I are sure to impress.

When the frau offers me to a guest she'll say: "Would you like a chocolate? They're WHITMAN'S"

R115, I can't remember. And it made so much sense at the time.

I'm the Franklin Mint "Santa Claws" collectible plate

I'm the blackman's made up holiday

r120 Fuck off Milo.

I'm The Swiss Colony Meat Log!!!

I wish my hubby would give me his meat log more than once a year (on Christmas Morn)

OP Do you mean all the wise men are black? Because it is tradition that one of the wise men be depicted as black, either Balthazar or Casper.