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Good evening DL I need some advice,

I am in most desperate need of advice to resolve a conflict which has arisen between my partner and myself. After many years together, we decided to take the plunge and move in together. Of course, we have spent much time together and I thought I knew and understood him well, but now I find that things are not working out as hoped or planned.

I'm afraid that I have made a mistake which will be exceedingly difficult to repair. We have both sold our homes and purchased a lovely river-front condo together, so getting out of this situation will not be easy. I want to try and work things out, but I don't know how much time and effort I should expend. When does something become a waste of time, money and emotion? This is my question.

I realize now that perhaps the two of us were meant to be partners but maybe we just shouldn't live together. I love him, and I know he loves me, but really, I think moving in together was a mistake. I'm afraid to bring this up to him after all we both have been through, but I don't know for how much longer I can put up with the situation.

Part of the problem for me is his family. They are lovely people, but they drop-in, unannounced and uninvited on a regular basis. I work shift work, and they just drop in whenever, this past Saturday they showed up at our condo at 9:00 am and I had only finished my shift at 5. I wasn't pleased to say the least. He seems to think that it is no big deal and they mean well. I know they mean well, but I am trying to sleep at that time. He says that I can't expect the world to understand my crazy work schedule. He reminds me quite often about how he hates my career and its demands. I can not leave my job. It pays extremely well, we both have great benefits because of my job, and, I have many years invested into a fantastic pension plan. Not to mention, I love my job and couldn't imagine working in a different field.

He was also upset with me recently when I was unable to attend a family function due to my work schedule. He wanted me to take the day off to go for dinner to celebrate his aunt's birthday. I couldn't miss my shift (I am supervising a massive railway expansion project) on such short notice and he was really upset and didn't understand why I couldn't get out of work on a Sunday evening.

I am really starting to resent the situation. There is never a problem going for dinner and show or holiday for example ( I usually pay as I make more money), but then he constantly bitches in I get called in to work unexpectedly or if I have overtime. In the meantime, he quit his job before finding another, but has no problem complaining about my career.

There are other things that bother me as well that I didn't fully realize, (or better I was blind to before), he is drinking more than before, especially since he quit his job. It is really hard to come home after a long and stressful shift to find him either drinking at home or out at the bar. If he is drunk, he'll just bitch to me about how many hours I spent at work.

I'm getting stressed out over this situation. I realize now that I didn't think things through clearly before I sold my house, but I really thought that things would work out well.

Any advice?

by Anonymousreply 26April 15, 2020 1:35 AM

Did you pull this from an old Dear Abbey letter?

by Anonymousreply 1October 7, 2015 2:34 AM

Cut your losses and get out; if you lose him in the process, so be it.

by Anonymousreply 2October 7, 2015 2:45 AM

What R2 says. Your partner is an alcoholic. This can't end well.

by Anonymousreply 3October 7, 2015 2:53 AM

As Dear Abby would have told you, OP, seek counseling.

It may be a combination of 'first year moving in together' adjustments or stresses of your big project combined with his unemployment, or some combination of all three and more.

If you love him and believe that he loves you, see a qualified couples therapist. You can probably work it out in a fairly short period of time. You need a neutral party with some training in this area.

by Anonymousreply 4October 7, 2015 2:57 AM

It is with great trepidation that I give you counsel on your situation, OP.

You will need: separate bedrooms, stiirrup pants, lip gloss, big sunglasses, a wig.

As soon as you come home, suck that man's dick, tell him tonstay away from your room, and go the fuck to sleep.

Let him bitch about your schedule. It's your career and he knew what he was getting into.

Oh, mail me the stirrup pants and the wig. I'm giving them to some twat in a craftsman home.

by Anonymousreply 5October 7, 2015 3:13 AM

Gentle OP,

You've clearly made a grievous error and must now extricate yourself lest you face further humiliation. Datalounge is not the proper forum in which to air your excruciatingly detailed dirty laundry. Get thee to a marriage counselor posthaste and take the purple prose to iVillage.

Regards,

by Anonymousreply 6October 7, 2015 3:28 AM

Oh god. Next time make a fucking flowchart.

by Anonymousreply 7October 7, 2015 3:29 AM

OP wins this year's "Most Tiresome Thread". Even PMBT is preferable.

by Anonymousreply 8October 7, 2015 3:32 AM

I have to talk to his family. I'm gonna DIEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!

by Anonymousreply 9October 7, 2015 3:36 AM

OP- dont pay attention to most of the DL'ers. After all, most of them are just single, methy, bitter queens who hate Janet Jackson's new album and have never had a relationship last longer than two handjobs. I advise to see a couple's therapist (the one thing I heard that makes sense). Also, you seemed to victimize yourself a lot in your post (no judgement). What do you think are your partner's grievances with you? How long were you two together before you moved in? If its longer than 3 years, what took so long. Some of the signs might've been obvious early on on a subconscious level. If therapy doesn't work you may have to cut your losses. A financial step back doesnt compare to a lifetime of unhappiness.

by Anonymousreply 10October 7, 2015 4:00 AM

1. Counselling (for your guilt and to distract partner) 2. Good lawyer (on the side for quick move) 3. Get all your finances in order (small cash settlement and he will be happy).

My neighbour was in the same situation many years ago. After conferring with his very wise father, he bought the partner out (very small serttlement) and as his father said to him: "Better things are ahead for you."

Neighbour got rid of the problem and life was a basket of roses.

by Anonymousreply 11October 7, 2015 4:39 AM

OP, you did not give your ages. It is harder to change your pattern as you get settled into your ways. I was just discussing this with a friend. I am a shift worker, so I feel your pain. Far too often people don't take us seriously. For some reason, they dismiss shift workers, especially night workers. I would not wake up somebody at 0300 who worked days. Why won't they give night workers the same consideration? Lack of sleep makes a person out of sorts with a partner, work, and their family. You sound like you know what you want to do. I suspect you want to be on your own, even though you care for him. Can you still sustain the relationship if you live apart? I hope you guys can work this out.

by Anonymousreply 12October 7, 2015 5:01 AM

If you want to save the relationship you two need to TALK. I suspect from what you write that at the core of this is that he is jealous of your success. He resents the fact that you make more money and he feels like a failure. The drinking is also a clue that this is the case . Find a really good counselor. I wish you luck.

by Anonymousreply 13October 7, 2015 5:01 AM

If it were me I would just take up smoking again to relieve the stress.

by Anonymousreply 14October 7, 2015 5:07 AM

If it were me i would just fuck him without a condom. I'm, you know, undetectable.

by Anonymousreply 15October 7, 2015 5:25 AM

LOL, R15.

And R5, you are a fucking GOD/GODDESS!

by Anonymousreply 16October 7, 2015 7:48 AM

Before you go to counseling, lay down the law on one front: As long as you're supporting him, he doesn't get to criticize your work or anything it requires. Because as long as you're his sole support, the fact is you DO get to lay down a little bit of law!

You can't lay down the law on the family issues, though. That will take counseling and even that may not accomplish much (same for the drinking). He's probably upset that you're not making more of an effort to become part of his family.

by Anonymousreply 17October 7, 2015 6:29 PM

This sounds like something out of a British kitchen sink drama of the early 60s.

But it's not the early 60s. Count your losses and get out fast!

He a drunken, whining, user and abuser.

How did your mother treat your father, OP?

Offsite Link
by Anonymousreply 18October 7, 2015 7:06 PM

When you get home very late or very early, put a sign on the door saying "No visitors until ______ o'clock". Have your partner take any dropping-in relatives to the coffee house down the block until then, and if he objects throw his unemployment in his face and ask him what the two of you will do if you lose your job because you never get any sleep.

And then go to couples counseling.

by Anonymousreply 19October 7, 2015 7:44 PM

OP, you married a mob wife - she wants all the perks and benefits but doesn't want to know how you get them.

From you completely one-sided story, you've painted a picture of an extremely immature partner who can't draw basic logical conclusions, is wholly inconsiderate, and irrrational and unreasonable.

What discussions did you have prior to moving in together besides giggling about being able to have sex whenever you wanted?

How could you possibly have not known about the family dropping in - the entire time you've dated and spent the night together, it's NEVER come-up?

How could your partner NOT know about your schedule - it's NEVER come up that you couldn't attend functions on short notice?

What adult conversations have you attempted to have with you partner on the various issues - are you just hoping he sees this thread on DL?

by Anonymousreply 20October 7, 2015 7:59 PM

OP is jealous that his pal has a good family relationship.

by Anonymousreply 21October 7, 2015 9:32 PM

DTMFA.

by Anonymousreply 22April 15, 2020 1:24 AM

We did you bump this ancient thread?

by Anonymousreply 23April 15, 2020 1:26 AM

Wayyyyyy tl;dr

by Anonymousreply 24April 15, 2020 1:27 AM

Seriously, why did r22 dig this thread from fucking 2015? Is someone trying to slide an old thread up to get other “sensitive” threads pushed down and hidden?

I starting to get hip to this technique. Who are you really, r22?

by Anonymousreply 25April 15, 2020 1:32 AM

[quote]a conflict which has arisen between my partner and myself.

OP - I firmly believe that ALL of your worldly problems will magically be solved if you would only learn when to use reflexive pronouns and not fall victim to hypercorrection in order to appear more intelligent or educated than you may, in fact, be.

by Anonymousreply 26April 15, 2020 1:35 AM
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