5 Ways You Know Your Gym Is Gay
I belong to a pretty posh gym in New York City. How do I know it’s posh? Well, there is the outrageous amount of money I pay each month. Then there are things people say about it such as “it’s like a spa gym!” and “I would rather shower at the gym than at home” or “my boyfriend always asks me to take empty containers to load up on the free Kiehl’s products.” It’s bougie, okay? And everyone knows it.
It might be easy to pick out a fancy-ass gym simply by its price tag, but figuring out whether you go to a gay gym is not much more difficult. And knowing whether you belong to a gay gym is imperative for everyone. Why? Because you’re wasting your time if you’re not at one. Have you looked at a gay man lately? Where do they get those abs!? Their gay gym is where they get those abs. Here are some tips to help you find one:
Gays have money. It’s generally a fact. And if gays don’t have money, they have friends with money, or enormous credit card debt, or rich families in middle America who think they just haven’t found the right woman yet. If your gym is the most, or one of the most, expensive gyms in your area you’re on your way to amazing abs… because your gay gym friends will accept nothing less.
THE SAUNA IS…UMMM, WELL… CLOSE KNIT, SHALL WE SAY?
I’ll just get this one out of the way early because it plays into all our stereotypes. If you walk into the stone and granite sauna of your gym and the ONLY two men are sitting next to one another and have to strategically put their hands over towels when you enter then you are at a gay gym.
YOU FEEL LIKE YOU’RE IN A FUNHOUSE THERE ARE SO MANY GODDAM MIRRORS.
People who actually need the gym do not want many mirrors. It’s like a constant reminder that you’re still fat. We gays like to check ourselves out on a regular basis. We’re kind of like peacocks: we’re pretty self-confident and are just there to make sure our feathers still look fabulous for our eternal mating season.
GUYS KNOW EACH OTHER BUT HAVE NEVER ACTUALLY MET.
This is a phenomenon in urban gay circles thanks to such wonderful inventions as Grindr, Jack’d, Scruff, and a host of other “online dating” tools. It is a slam dunk sign if it comes out awkwardly that torso recognition was the impetus for starting a conversation rather than facial recognition.
Only gay men and straight women know what this seemingly general phrase means. It is not any “product” of the shelf at your local Walmart. Please. The term encompasses such products as high-end anti-wrinkle cream, organic skin toner, and charcoal face masks. If you see any skin product that you cannot find at a CVS, Duane Reade, or Rite-Aid in the men’s locker room, you are definitively at a gay gym.