I haven't spoken with him in 30 years. I'm flying up to NY to say goodbye and have some peace with situation
My father is dying
|by That is all||reply 41||01/18/2014|
Why have you not spoken for 30 years?
|by That is all||reply 2||11/09/2013|
Good luck, but don't expect too much from him.
|by That is all||reply 4||11/09/2013|
I'm sorry for you. I hope you will find peace.
|by That is all||reply 5||11/09/2013|
Be at peace with it all. We can't choose our parents and I'd like to believe they did their best considering the time. No matter what , you'll need to let go of all the poison. My racist bigoted dad met my partner who is black on his death bed. He later told my sister that he was happy for me and was not going to judge. Looming death I'm sure changes a lot . Nothing matters once a life is fading away.
|by That is all||reply 6||11/09/2013|
I don't believe that such "people do their best". I believe that those who are , narcissistic, cold and cruel do what is in their own self-interest. They don't care about anyone else.
|by That is all||reply 7||11/09/2013|
OP, you're doing what you feel is the right thing for you. Don't let anyone here poison that decision. I hope this gives you peace.
|by That is all||reply 8||11/09/2013|
It will be tough but it sounds like you are rising to the occasion. And in so doing you will probably give yourself enough peace of mind to put aside whatever transpired to keep you apart for 30 years. I hope it does anyway.
|by That is all||reply 9||11/09/2013|
Think you're still in the will, OP?
|by That is all||reply 10||11/09/2013|
I can't wait until my worthless parents are in this situation.
I'm not gonna show up, they can die alone.
|by That is all||reply 11||11/09/2013|
Good for you, OP. And I hope that no matter how it turns out you have the peace you're looking for.
|by That is all||reply 12||11/09/2013|
Been there, OP, only it had been 17 years, not 30. It's not going to be as bad as you think.
I chose to let everything go. I didn't bring up the things he did and didn't do for all those years before our estrangement. I didn't bring up the circumstances that caused our estrangement. He was an old man and he was dying, I tried to be kind. It's a long time ago now and I've had no regrets and a clear conscience about it every day since.
Deep breaths, stepping outside for cigarettes and neat whiskeys all help a great deal.
|by That is all||reply 13||11/09/2013|
did you just inherit your grandmother's house in the Bronx?
|by That is all||reply 14||11/09/2013|
We didn't speak for the ten years before my dad died. I only went to see him at the hospice because my mom asked me to. No one called me the night he did die, I would have wanted to be there only for her. And no one told me about the funeral, I was led to believe they weren't having one.
I don't feel bad about missing the funeral or about not speaking to him. I've never visited his gravesite either.
And I've never cried once and don't miss him.
He was a prick.
|by That is all||reply 15||11/09/2013|
Good for you, OP. Hope it goes as well as it possibly can.
|by That is all||reply 16||11/09/2013|
Best of luck to you, OP.
|by That is all||reply 17||11/09/2013|
My dad and I had a rough time. He wasn't much of a dad and I wasn't the son for which he hoped. When he got sick I did what I could because I didn't want regrets in the future. While in the trenches I realized that was winning - not letting his bullshit turn me into a hard hearted prick. Go. Be kind. It's seldom the wrong choice - especially when someone is dying.
|by That is all||reply 18||11/09/2013|
Thanks for all your support.
I doubt we'll have much discussion as he's pretty out of (from what my brother told me). But I'm just going to say and then my final goodbye.
|by That is all||reply 19||11/09/2013|
Take care, OP. And report back - so that we know that you're okay.
|by That is all||reply 20||11/10/2013|
I think it's weird to not speak to one's father for 30 years and then to show up on his death bed when the father is totally out of it from morphine or from whatever.
It does not make sense.
Not bashing the OP, but this act of showing up seems to be to try to look like a decent person in the eyes of his mother and brother and whatever other relatives who might be around.
It's for show, as if not showing up would be a huge enormous slap in the face and indecent, where in actuality the not speaking to the father for the last 30 years is what matters.
|by That is all||reply 21||11/10/2013|
I was thinking the same thing, R21.
|by That is all||reply 22||11/10/2013|
Do what feels right for you OP. Take care
|by That is all||reply 23||11/10/2013|
[quote]Not bashing the OP, but this act of showing up seems to be to try to look like a decent person in the eyes of his mother and brother and whatever other relatives who might be around.
OP, were you asked to be there?
I'm asking because I wouldn't have gone to see mine if my mom hadn't asked me to.
|by That is all||reply 24||11/10/2013|
OP, are you driven by love,guilt, remorse, duty, or something else? Be clear in your mind and honest with the situation. I hope you have closure. Good luck.
|by That is all||reply 25||11/10/2013|
Some good, compassionate advice on this thread ... is this really DL? I'm relatively new here and I've never seen this. I winced clicking on this thread thinking the response would be more in the vein of r1.
|by That is all||reply 26||11/10/2013|
You're doing the right thing, OP.
|by That is all||reply 27||11/10/2013|
To each his own. My father died about five years ago. We had had no contact in about 30 years and I did not attend his funeral. It would've been like attending a stranger's funeral for me. I had no emotional ties to the man, so I am at peace with that decision.
But, best wishes to you, OP .... I hope you get whatever closure is necessary to find your own peace.
|by That is all||reply 28||11/10/2013|
When my father died, we had not spoken in eight years.
I wish I had not bothered going to his funeral, which I only did out of a sense of guilt, and fear of what others would think and say about me.
Not telling you what to do, OP. Just what I wish I'd done.
|by That is all||reply 29||11/10/2013|
My dad has been a great father, but has Stage 4 Parkinson's and keeps going; it's awful watching him decline, with my mom playing caregiver all but a few hours a week.
|by That is all||reply 30||11/10/2013|
OP, is he dead yet?
|by That is all||reply 31||01/18/2014|
OP,be grateful you have him. I was estranged from father who lived a thousand miles away, for twelve years. We arrangement for me to visit. He died of a heart attack a month-to-the-day before than we were to meet.
|by That is all||reply 32||01/18/2014|
Nope r31, he's still hanging in there. He has bone cancer
And yes, I did go up to NY and visit him in the nursing home. He was very sweet. The whole experience was wonderful and I'm glad I did it
I only saw him for 2 days before I flew back home. It was a shame we didn't have a whole life time to get to know each other - but that's what life handed me
It's complex story why we haven't spoken. I'll accept partial blame - but he is also to blame.
|by That is all||reply 33||01/18/2014|
Go, OP. It's the right thing to do. And for all you naysayers, who cares "why" OP feels he needs to go? Who cares who asked him or whether anyone asked him? OP obviously wants to do this and he should. It's a compassionate thing to do.
OP, don't engage in any BS with other family members. If anyone tries to guilt you, telling you how much you missed, just say, "Yeah, well we both missed out on a lot." After all, it wasn't you not speaking to him for 30 yrs. it was also him not speaking to you.
I will say that when it comes to generational cultural divides, I try to cut the old folks some slack. But not if they were physically or emotionally abusive and ugly. There's a limit, and we don't know the situation. So go, OP. Go with love & kindness in your heart, and don't let anyone make you feel bad. It wasn't all on you.
|by That is all||reply 34||01/18/2014|
Thanks r34. I already went back in November. But, your advice is sound.
My sister had the nerve to pissed I didn't tell her I was coming up
|by That is all||reply 35||01/18/2014|
Being kind will be good for you, OP. You are doing the right thing. It probably matters less what you say than that you're there. There is great calm in having done the right thing and little benefit in revisiting the past, except to accept that everyone makes mistakes and learning from them what you can. Best of luck to you.
|by That is all||reply 36||01/18/2014|
I think "Peace with Situation" was a Loretta Young Hallmark Hall of Fame vehicle in the early 1970s.
|by That is all||reply 37||01/18/2014|
I will say one more thing, OP. It is important to remain accessible to repairing relationships. That doesn't mean we have to allow ourselves to continue to be disrespected or mistreated.
It simply means that you don't walk into a situation with a chip on your shoulder, waiting, ready to pounce on the first negative comment, or react to real or imagined negative behavior.
If we radiate positivity, we usually get it back. People know from our demeanor that certain lines should not be crossed, and to leave the past in the past.
But taking the high road, taking charge of yourself and any situation you are in, (we call it 'controlling the room' ) while remaining accessible, is a very rewarding thing. Always try to stand with the healers.
|by That is all||reply 38||01/18/2014|
R38, good advice again
I'm having a really hard time dealing emotionally with my borderline sister. She's always ready with a nasty comment and her kids act the same way
Her grown-up daughter came into my dad's room and if looks could kill id be dead. I'm not exaggerating either. Why are they so angry that I was with my dad? Honestly, I can't figure it out.
I know I'll get bashed for this, but my sister is full owner (has the deed) to my dads $800k house and my dad has been helping my sister and her kids financially for years. And yes, I'm angry about this. I'm trying to rise above and not care, but I'm having a real hard time
Any words of wisdom to help? Thank you.
|by That is all||reply 39||01/18/2014|
Just remember that one day, you will see him again in Heaven.
|by That is all||reply 40||01/18/2014|
At least in going there, you say goodbye. My family was never the sort to talk about feelings or show emotions, even though we all care. Shortly before my father passed away, he said to me "I don't care who anybody loves. I just care that they are a good person." He made it sound as though he was talking about his friend, who is gay. However, I sensed it was really directed towards me...his kid who had never dated anybody. Who worked in a nontraditional job for women. I realize now that he knew he was ill and he was telling me something. I wish you the same.
|by That is all||reply 41||01/18/2014|