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My father is dying

I haven't spoken with him in 30 years. I'm flying up to NY to say goodbye and have some peace with situation

by That is allreply 4101/18/2014

Why have you not spoken for 30 years?

by That is allreply 211/09/2013

Good luck, but don't expect too much from him.

by That is allreply 411/09/2013

I'm sorry for you. I hope you will find peace.

by That is allreply 511/09/2013

Be at peace with it all. We can't choose our parents and I'd like to believe they did their best considering the time. No matter what , you'll need to let go of all the poison. My racist bigoted dad met my partner who is black on his death bed. He later told my sister that he was happy for me and was not going to judge. Looming death I'm sure changes a lot . Nothing matters once a life is fading away.

by That is allreply 611/09/2013

I don't believe that such "people do their best". I believe that those who are , narcissistic, cold and cruel do what is in their own self-interest. They don't care about anyone else.

by That is allreply 711/09/2013

OP, you're doing what you feel is the right thing for you. Don't let anyone here poison that decision. I hope this gives you peace.

by That is allreply 811/09/2013

Sorry OP.

It will be tough but it sounds like you are rising to the occasion. And in so doing you will probably give yourself enough peace of mind to put aside whatever transpired to keep you apart for 30 years. I hope it does anyway.

by That is allreply 911/09/2013

Think you're still in the will, OP?

by That is allreply 1011/09/2013

I can't wait until my worthless parents are in this situation.

I'm not gonna show up, they can die alone.

by That is allreply 1111/09/2013

Good for you, OP. And I hope that no matter how it turns out you have the peace you're looking for.

by That is allreply 1211/09/2013

Been there, OP, only it had been 17 years, not 30. It's not going to be as bad as you think.

I chose to let everything go. I didn't bring up the things he did and didn't do for all those years before our estrangement. I didn't bring up the circumstances that caused our estrangement. He was an old man and he was dying, I tried to be kind. It's a long time ago now and I've had no regrets and a clear conscience about it every day since.

Deep breaths, stepping outside for cigarettes and neat whiskeys all help a great deal.

Good luck.

by That is allreply 1311/09/2013

did you just inherit your grandmother's house in the Bronx?

by That is allreply 1411/09/2013

We didn't speak for the ten years before my dad died. I only went to see him at the hospice because my mom asked me to. No one called me the night he did die, I would have wanted to be there only for her. And no one told me about the funeral, I was led to believe they weren't having one.

I don't feel bad about missing the funeral or about not speaking to him. I've never visited his gravesite either.

And I've never cried once and don't miss him.

He was a prick.

by That is allreply 1511/09/2013

Good for you, OP. Hope it goes as well as it possibly can.

by That is allreply 1611/09/2013

Best of luck to you, OP.

by That is allreply 1711/09/2013

My dad and I had a rough time. He wasn't much of a dad and I wasn't the son for which he hoped. When he got sick I did what I could because I didn't want regrets in the future. While in the trenches I realized that was winning - not letting his bullshit turn me into a hard hearted prick. Go. Be kind. It's seldom the wrong choice - especially when someone is dying.

by That is allreply 1811/09/2013

Thanks for all your support.

I doubt we'll have much discussion as he's pretty out of (from what my brother told me). But I'm just going to say and then my final goodbye.

by That is allreply 1911/09/2013

Take care, OP. And report back - so that we know that you're okay.

by That is allreply 2011/10/2013

I think it's weird to not speak to one's father for 30 years and then to show up on his death bed when the father is totally out of it from morphine or from whatever.

It does not make sense.

Not bashing the OP, but this act of showing up seems to be to try to look like a decent person in the eyes of his mother and brother and whatever other relatives who might be around.

It's for show, as if not showing up would be a huge enormous slap in the face and indecent, where in actuality the not speaking to the father for the last 30 years is what matters.

by That is allreply 2111/10/2013

I was thinking the same thing, R21.

by That is allreply 2211/10/2013

Do what feels right for you OP. Take care

by That is allreply 2311/10/2013

[quote]Not bashing the OP, but this act of showing up seems to be to try to look like a decent person in the eyes of his mother and brother and whatever other relatives who might be around.

OP, were you asked to be there?

I'm asking because I wouldn't have gone to see mine if my mom hadn't asked me to.

by That is allreply 2411/10/2013

OP, are you driven by love,guilt, remorse, duty, or something else? Be clear in your mind and honest with the situation. I hope you have closure. Good luck.

by That is allreply 2511/10/2013

Some good, compassionate advice on this thread ... is this really DL? I'm relatively new here and I've never seen this. I winced clicking on this thread thinking the response would be more in the vein of r1.

by That is allreply 2611/10/2013

You're doing the right thing, OP.

by That is allreply 2711/10/2013

To each his own. My father died about five years ago. We had had no contact in about 30 years and I did not attend his funeral. It would've been like attending a stranger's funeral for me. I had no emotional ties to the man, so I am at peace with that decision.

But, best wishes to you, OP .... I hope you get whatever closure is necessary to find your own peace.

by That is allreply 2811/10/2013

When my father died, we had not spoken in eight years.

I wish I had not bothered going to his funeral, which I only did out of a sense of guilt, and fear of what others would think and say about me.

Not telling you what to do, OP. Just what I wish I'd done.

by That is allreply 2911/10/2013

My dad has been a great father, but has Stage 4 Parkinson's and keeps going; it's awful watching him decline, with my mom playing caregiver all but a few hours a week.

by That is allreply 3011/10/2013

OP, is he dead yet?

by That is allreply 3101/18/2014

OP,be grateful you have him. I was estranged from father who lived a thousand miles away, for twelve years. We arrangement for me to visit. He died of a heart attack a month-to-the-day before than we were to meet.

by That is allreply 3201/18/2014

Nope r31, he's still hanging in there. He has bone cancer

And yes, I did go up to NY and visit him in the nursing home. He was very sweet. The whole experience was wonderful and I'm glad I did it

I only saw him for 2 days before I flew back home. It was a shame we didn't have a whole life time to get to know each other - but that's what life handed me

It's complex story why we haven't spoken. I'll accept partial blame - but he is also to blame.

by That is allreply 3301/18/2014

Go, OP. It's the right thing to do. And for all you naysayers, who cares "why" OP feels he needs to go? Who cares who asked him or whether anyone asked him? OP obviously wants to do this and he should. It's a compassionate thing to do.

OP, don't engage in any BS with other family members. If anyone tries to guilt you, telling you how much you missed, just say, "Yeah, well we both missed out on a lot." After all, it wasn't you not speaking to him for 30 yrs. it was also him not speaking to you.

I will say that when it comes to generational cultural divides, I try to cut the old folks some slack. But not if they were physically or emotionally abusive and ugly. There's a limit, and we don't know the situation. So go, OP. Go with love & kindness in your heart, and don't let anyone make you feel bad. It wasn't all on you.

by That is allreply 3401/18/2014

Thanks r34. I already went back in November. But, your advice is sound.

My sister had the nerve to pissed I didn't tell her I was coming up

by That is allreply 3501/18/2014

Being kind will be good for you, OP. You are doing the right thing. It probably matters less what you say than that you're there. There is great calm in having done the right thing and little benefit in revisiting the past, except to accept that everyone makes mistakes and learning from them what you can. Best of luck to you.

by That is allreply 3601/18/2014

I think "Peace with Situation" was a Loretta Young Hallmark Hall of Fame vehicle in the early 1970s.

by That is allreply 3701/18/2014

I will say one more thing, OP. It is important to remain accessible to repairing relationships. That doesn't mean we have to allow ourselves to continue to be disrespected or mistreated.

It simply means that you don't walk into a situation with a chip on your shoulder, waiting, ready to pounce on the first negative comment, or react to real or imagined negative behavior.

If we radiate positivity, we usually get it back. People know from our demeanor that certain lines should not be crossed, and to leave the past in the past.

But taking the high road, taking charge of yourself and any situation you are in, (we call it 'controlling the room' ) while remaining accessible, is a very rewarding thing. Always try to stand with the healers.

by That is allreply 3801/18/2014

R38, good advice again

I'm having a really hard time dealing emotionally with my borderline sister. She's always ready with a nasty comment and her kids act the same way

Her grown-up daughter came into my dad's room and if looks could kill id be dead. I'm not exaggerating either. Why are they so angry that I was with my dad? Honestly, I can't figure it out.

I know I'll get bashed for this, but my sister is full owner (has the deed) to my dads $800k house and my dad has been helping my sister and her kids financially for years. And yes, I'm angry about this. I'm trying to rise above and not care, but I'm having a real hard time

Any words of wisdom to help? Thank you.

by That is allreply 3901/18/2014

Just remember that one day, you will see him again in Heaven.

by That is allreply 4001/18/2014

At least in going there, you say goodbye. My family was never the sort to talk about feelings or show emotions, even though we all care. Shortly before my father passed away, he said to me "I don't care who anybody loves. I just care that they are a good person." He made it sound as though he was talking about his friend, who is gay. However, I sensed it was really directed towards me...his kid who had never dated anybody. Who worked in a nontraditional job for women. I realize now that he knew he was ill and he was telling me something. I wish you the same.

by That is allreply 4101/18/2014
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