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I don't understand gay men

I went on date with a guy I had chatted with online for months. We had a good lunch and he initiated the let's meet again with prompting from me. I emailed him later saying I had a good time and tried to get the time rolling. I emailed him thru the app and he didn't log back on for over a week but when e did, he emailed me back apologizing for not getting back to me sooner but again reiterated he would like to meet again but nothing has happened. I haven't dated in long time but why keep up the pretense of wanting to meet again if he doesn't?

I would have honestly done politely than being led on.

Thoughts?

by Anonymousreply 2111/06/2013

OP, I've had to deal with this bullshit with a few guys with whom I went on promising dates. By and large, gay men are flakes.

by Anonymousreply 111/02/2013

Online dating can be brutal.

It seems inherently difficult and often lacking in what it takes to get two people together in a natural manner.

by Anonymousreply 211/02/2013

Well, welcome to online dating, OP (or just dating in general) - and not just for gay men, but for men and women, gay and straight. There's a lot of flaky behavior. But some thoughts (based on my experiences and observations):

- sometimes they're just not that into you, or they're only "kind of" into you but don't think it merits a "no" or a clear rejection. So some resort to continuing to exchange polite messages, but hope their slow or non-responses give you the hint that they're not that interested, or hope that your interest in him will die off naturally due to his flakiness.

- I think people make the mistake of assuming they're the only person having a conversation. Some men / women are juggling multiple messages and potential dates online at any given point. They may say they're interested in continuing things with you and mean it, but then soon find someone they think has more potential. Again, they don't want to give a clear rejection and cut off their options, but they're not going to push to make another meeting happen while they explore other dates - they buy themselves more time by drawing out the next meeting.

- Sometimes they're really just busy with other things in their life - a job, family, stress, travel, whatever. Even though you might be focused on when you'll hear from him next, texting you or logging into a dating app and keeping up with messages with a person he's only met once or a few times might be low on his list of priorities. Heck, some people are really bad about getting back to you for personal and business e-mails; don't expect prompt follow-up from everyone for dating messages either.

- Finally, sometimes they're just flaky assholes who are unable to practice common courtesy.

In short, I've found that if a guy's really interested he'll try to keep up communications, except in cases of delay because 1) he doesn't want to appear too eager and overly invested, or 2) sometimes he wants to hear from you first to evaluate how interested you are in him. If you've initiated communication and you're not hearing from him, just give it up as a lost cause and move on, and in the slim chance it really was an honest mistake on his part, he'll follow up with an apology to get back in your good graces.

by Anonymousreply 311/02/2013

[quote]We had a good lunch and he initiated the let's meet again with prompting from me.

That sentence should read: We had a good lunch and he initiated the let's meet again WITHOUT prompting from me.

and yes he said something about stressful time at work at our lunch but it has been weeks now. Oh well...

by Anonymousreply 411/02/2013

OP, did you invite him back up to your apartment after your date for a delicious cup of Sanka decaffeinated coffee?

Sanka decaffeinated coffee is the perfect way to end a date and begin a relationship. It's 100% dark Aribica coffee beans---imported from a country far away that has no electricity, running water or proper sanitation. You'll love it, and so will your date!

So next time, invite that special guy in your life for a late night delicious cup of Sanka decaffeinated coffee---and see what else "brews up" in your life!

BE SWEET!

by Anonymousreply 511/02/2013

OP, I applaud you got getting out there and trying.

I used to fall too quickly, casting guys as BFFs, the big brother I always wanted and life partner.

I'm better at not doing that as much; I've really put on the brakes but now it just seems like I watch it all in slow motion.

It's a special kind of hell to go through life wanting and needing to make a connection and not being able to.

by Anonymousreply 611/02/2013

Had a similar experience though it was meeting a guy in real life.

He initiated things, we made out a bit, had drinks, conversations, cuddling... but it didn't proceed farther than that.

He made the effort to look me up on facebook and friended me. I accepted.

He said how much fun he had, and hoped we could get together soon.

I said sure... I was going to be out of town that weekend on business, but I was free any time after that.

I pinged him once when I returned.

I never heard from him again.

After six months I just unfriended him.

Sad, because he seemed like a really nice guy, and compatible in many ways (appropriate age, similar interests).

by Anonymousreply 711/02/2013

what sucks is that we see movies where true love conquers all.

that's why they have movies, I suppose.

by Anonymousreply 811/03/2013

Ditto, op.

Recently, dated this guy who seemed really nice, handsome, explosive sex, nurturing, convivial....then suddenly he says... 'just want to be friends' .... After three months of meeting friends, doing joint activities... I give up. I don't care anymore. He keeps calling leaving messages...'why don't you call me anymore?' 'what's wrong?' 'is everything alright?' 'let's go rowing again' WTF?

I don't have the energy to deal with this shit.

by Anonymousreply 911/03/2013

[quote]I went on date with a guy I had chatted with online for months.

Well, there you go. You should NEVER "chat" with someone literally for months without meeting in person. Almost invariably, it will inflate expectations on at least one side of the table, and short of you being better looking than Henry Cavill and smarter than Einstein, you will never live up to what the other person's "impression" of you is in their heads. Not only is endless chatting a waste of time, it's usually much *worse* in the end to finally meet someone after all that effort for this precise reason.

[quote]We had a good lunch and he initiated the let's meet again WITHOUT prompting from me.

Sorry, but this is another lesson you clearly need to learn: most of the time "let's do lunch" means, well, "let's never do lunch." That goes whether it's an acquaintance or someone you're maybe interesting in dating. People say it because it's preferable to an awkward segue or exit, and it isn't necessarily a sign of flakeyness. If a guy says it to you, at the very least you know the onus is 100% on *him* to make the next move, not you. If he doesn't do so -- as was the case here -- you have your answer: he's just not that into you. Period.

[quote]I emailed him later saying I had a good time and tried to get the time rolling.

...which might be the reason he didn't respond. Like I said, the onus was on *him* to call. Coming on too strong after a first date is the absolute LAST thing you want to do. I still remember one time when I went out with a seemingly very interesting guy; we hung out after work for several hours and had a great talk. I was totally planning on seeing him again ... until he texted me literally FIVE MINUTES after I'd left, while I was still driving home. Compounding matters, he sent THREE MORE texts before I *made* it home. I figured he was trouble and never responded to him, and I was right on the money: he later dated another guy I know, who made the mistake of seeing him more than once, and the dude went full-on Alex Forrest crazy on him after he stopped calling back.

by Anonymousreply 1011/03/2013

Really, R9? You don't know what the problem is? Your guy has a textbook case of intimacy problems. The whole push-pull bullshit is a classic key: he pushes you away when you get too close ("let's just be friends"), but starts pulling right back if you back away too far ("why don't you ever call me???"). Punch, delete and don't look back, and know it really IS him, not you.

by Anonymousreply 1111/03/2013

Game-playing bullshit is hardly restricted to gay guys.

When you find someone who thinks it's as stupid as you do, you'll be happy.

by Anonymousreply 1211/03/2013

R3 and R11 say it all. A good hearted person who earnestly cares about other's feelings would not act that way.

by Anonymousreply 1311/03/2013

What I don't get is why guys can't just say "I'm just not into you". I understand in person it could difficult but via the internet? Why keep up the pretense when you could just say something like" It was nice meeting you but...?

by Anonymousreply 1411/03/2013

R8, true love is very rare and some people say it isn't even real. Many people go their entire lives never experiencing true love. Sadly, living vicariously through fictional characters is as close as many will get to feeling and experiencing romantic love.

by Anonymousreply 1511/03/2013

*sigh* I hate to say this but...I am guilty of this. I don't know what the fuck is wrong with me. A big part of it is I think I feel so terrible rejecting someone. Another thing is on the few occasions where I was successful and had a relationship I felt the connection instantly and very intensely. Now If I don't get that same feeling immediately, I don't bother to pursue it. I can feel a connection with men, but not THE connection. So instead of coming out with what I am really thinking, I make up excuses and then eventually just flake off. It's so fucked up, its so stupid and yet, I keep doing it. I hate it, and I hate myself because of it. To make matters worse, I am not really into the "gay scene" and most of my friends are straight, so I don't have a real lot of opportunities to meet other guys. I have probably missed out on a lot of good times and guys who at least could have been good friends because I'm so fucked up. I have tried everything to combat it: taking my time to get to know him, not taking my time and jumping right in the sack, making pro and con lists about them. Nothing works. Its at the point now where I don't even bother trying to meet guys because I know in the end I'm just going to be an asshole and hurt them.

by Anonymousreply 1611/03/2013

For this to work, you'll need a black bustier and capri pants, OP.

Send him a video of you lip-syncing Madonna's "Open Your Heart To Me" video. Include the dancing.

by Anonymousreply 1711/03/2013

I will say that sometimes I think many gay men are both the most romantic and idealistic and simultaneously the most callous and mercenary daters out there.

A lot of gay men I know still subscribe to the concept of finding "the one", their prince, the guy who'll sweep them off their feet and transform their lives, their soul-mate with whom they share a spark and instant chemistry, etc., even if they won't admit to it. But in the meantime they'll go through guys like tissues, treating dating like a shopping experience and making their dating choices based on lists of superficial criteria like toned pecs and big dicks.

A lot of straight women subscribe to romantic ideals too, but (at least among my acquaintances) once they reach a certain age and the clock starts ticking, they tend to manage their expectations and will settle for a decent, stable guy and lock him in before the game of musical chairs is over and they're left without a seat. I guess because gay men don't have the same deadlines or societal expectations (at least up through now), they're free to keep searching for Mr. Right long after their straight peers have started setting up homes and popping out babies.

by Anonymousreply 1811/03/2013

Ah, the infamous "fade out." With regret, I've done this before in the past. On a karmic scale, its been done to me to - it sucks. Be honest and open with what you're looking for and how you feel and hopefully the other person will too.

If you're not interested, I think its better to say so than to fade out. Yes, if someone pulls the fade out, unless they're inept, they're going to get the hint eventually but again it sucks. In my opinion, its much better to be direct - it frees up the person dumping and the person being dumped to pursue their own happiness.

by Anonymousreply 1911/03/2013

"I would have honestly done politely than being led on."

Oh, dear.

by Anonymousreply 2011/06/2013

I feel that if its been 1-2 dates and you don't hear from them, regardless of what they say - follow their actions. They're clearly not interested. Be glad that it was only a few dates before either of you got too involved.

If its been quite a handful of dates or so. I feel that the "fadeaway" is a general cop-out and lousy way of letting a guy you're not interested. If you run into this behavior, just cut your losses and move onto the next guy. The more time you think about the guy who is doing the "fadeout" the less time you have for yourself and your next potential. Keep trying, bud.

by Anonymousreply 2111/06/2013
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