I've been married more than a year now and it's been really freeing but scary referring to him now as my husband. When I said "partner," they were free to assume he was my business partner. But when I say "husband," I'm immediately outed to who I say it to. Like I said,it's freeing but worrisome that I'll be judged. Anyone else dealing with this transition?
From "partner" to "husband"
|by Anonymous||reply 56||11/03/2013|
Nobody thought he was your business partner.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||10/31/2013|
Honestly? If you couldn't deal with this, why did you get married at all? The whole point of marriage is that it is a public affirmation of a relationship.
Lots of people have worked hard to give you the right to be a worrywart over what to call your spouse. Grow a pair.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||10/31/2013|
You asked for it, you got it.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||10/31/2013|
I should have such problems, you are so lucky to have a husband, celebrate it!
|by Anonymous||reply 4||10/31/2013|
OP, just say "spouse."
|by Anonymous||reply 5||10/31/2013|
Calling him "husband" outs you as the bottom.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||10/31/2013|
I totally understand. It is a big shift. I'm in the same situation and it is still jarring for people and sometimes I just don't need the reaction. But now it feels dishonest to say partner.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||10/31/2013|
Are you posting from 1986?
|by Anonymous||reply 8||10/31/2013|
"I'll be judged"
I don't get why people care about the judgment of others unless one is before a court.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||10/31/2013|
People who worry about being judged are in an emotional prison.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||10/31/2013|
Well OP - you came to the right place if you're looking to be judged.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||10/31/2013|
It makes sense to be afraid; depending on who you are dealing with and where you live, there can be scary reactions to this revelation. Real hate still exists and making the admission could subject you to it.
Good for you if you are able to get past being afraid of the judgment and are brave enough to be fully open and honest. No judgment if it takes you more time or you decide to gauge the audience before revealing this.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||10/31/2013|
Same here OP, my issue is not outing self but the word doesn't feel right. Saying husband sounds like he is the boss of me. There is just something girly about it. My mate is girly and he loves it. I love being married and all that but husband is awkward in my head.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||10/31/2013|
I think nearly everyone knows these days what it means, when a man refers to another man as "my partner". OP, are you living among hyperconservative throwbacks or something?
My partner and I are married and we use the word "partner" or "spouse" because "husband" has an inherent ownership context, e.g. animal husbandry. The roots of the word can be traced back to the phrase and concept "master of (the) house."
|by Anonymous||reply 14||10/31/2013|
Well as a straight woman I'm starting to question calling my spouse "husband" with these arguments about implied ownership, etc. ;)
|by Anonymous||reply 15||10/31/2013|
Are you the "actor" from the "are you closeted?" poll?
|by Anonymous||reply 16||10/31/2013|
OP? You've got a little self-loathing on your face. Nope, over a little. A little more. Down. Yep right there.
I'm not "dealing" with this, I'm embracing it. Since we got married last summer I've called him my husband exclusively. If they judge me, fuck 'em. They need to be educated and marriage equality needs to be normalized. Neither is going to happen unless we stand firm and treat our own relationships they way they ought to be treated: the same.
There is not a hetero man or woman who has ever cringed using the words "husband" or "wife".
|by Anonymous||reply 17||10/31/2013|
R17 see r15
|by Anonymous||reply 18||10/31/2013|
You could always refer to him as your sperm receptacle as long you say it with a twinkle in your eye.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||10/31/2013|
Call him whatever makes you happy OP. You can easily call him your spouse if husband makes you uncomfortable.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||10/31/2013|
R6: Not if the OP's husband also refers to OP as 'Husband'.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||10/31/2013|
Call a spade a spade and just refer to him as your slop hole, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||10/31/2013|
[quote] Like I said,it's freeing but worrisome that I'll be judged.
Are you 14 years old and in junior high? I cannot see how this could possibly be a concern for you, otherwise.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||10/31/2013|
That's probably because you lack basic human empathy, R23. And that's ok. Some of us just don't get it I guess.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||10/31/2013|
I don't think R23 lacks empathy for pointing out that "worrying what others think" about your same-sex relationship is not the most mature or evolved response.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||10/31/2013|
I don't have empathy, R24.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||10/31/2013|
If it's a big deal or makes your feel girly (which is ridiculous), just say spouse.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||10/31/2013|
I've been married 7 years and still refer to him as my partner. I highly doubt anyone walks away believing is a business relationship.
And R2, I didn't get married for public affirmation, I did it for the same legal rights.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||10/31/2013|
It's not right! God made Adam and Eve- not Adam and Steve!
|by Anonymous||reply 29||10/31/2013|
[quote]The whole point of marriage is that it is a public affirmation of a relationship.
You're confusing a marriage with a wedding. The whole point of marriage is creating a legal kinship between two people who aren't related by blood, and all of the rights and privileges that come with that.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||10/31/2013|
OP's an idiot. This thread is a pathetic attempt to humble brag, which in itself was a waste of time.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||10/31/2013|
If by public affirmation you mean some kind of new age bunk about feeling good about yourself - then that's a silly reason to get married.
However if are using the word correctly - I don't really see the difference between marriage for legal rights and marriage for public affirmation.
The public affirmation is a statement that you are married and entitled to the same legal rights as an opposite sex couple.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||10/31/2013|
Well R28 answered my question. I thought saying partner could also mean husband.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||10/31/2013|
Call him whatever is most comfortable for both of you.
But one caveat: on ANY legal document, same sex couples should NEVER use the terminology "husband" or "wife" .. terms whuch have specific legal meanings in a traditional marriage. Use SPOUSE. Otherwise, it can lead to a successful legal challenge to said document, which defeats the purpose of signing it to begin with.
|by Anonymous||reply 34||10/31/2013|
OP, what city are you from? Is it conservative?? Also if you had the balls to get married and "out" yourself to the government you should stop treating your husband as an embarrassment.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||10/31/2013|
[quote]People who worry about being judged are in an emotional prison.
Truer words were never spoken.
It's okay to feel worry about things like that OP; ignore the assholes who seem to think that everyone can go through life completely impervious to what others think of them. Show me someone who claims to not worry what anyone thinks of them and I'll show you a liar. But as others have pointed out you're safe just referring to him as your "spouse." Good luck OP, and congrats on finding someone to share your life with.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||10/31/2013|
Hello OP - my husband and I are in a similar boat. There is an adjustment period for nearly every label. Why would this be any different? Don't let these haters make you feel bad about candid honesty and trying to get past your feelings.
I had rotten role models on the husband front - not one first marriage in my immediate family worked out. My (deep breath) husband & I concentrate on our definition of the word and don't worry about what others think, but that didn't happen overnight. We were together for 12 years before we married a year ago. I was never thrilled with the word partner either. YOU GET TO FEEL HOW YOU FEEL - and will surely feel different as you and the world get used to this emerging right.
Small piece of advice - hang out w other gay marrieds once in a while. It helped me feel less alone in the adjustment.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||10/31/2013|
Who the fuck would care what strangers think of them? That's for 7th graders.
If you're an adult and still engaged in this pathetic constant anxiety about what random humans WHO DON'T GIVE A SHIT ABOUT YOU "might" think of you if they knew something about you THAT IS PUBLIC FUCKING RECORD, then you need to 1. grow the hell up and 2. get a shrink.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||10/31/2013|
Call him your boy.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||10/31/2013|
We both call each other husband. I always call him my husband. Never partner, never lie. What I'm saying is it completely outs me now. I guess I was unclear. I just meant that sometimes I'm worried it will be an unneeded confrontation between me and someone who hates gays. It's really outing me now. Almost always, people seem to almost be excited to hear me say it, like they totally love gay people and love that I am one. It's just something new.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||10/31/2013|
R7 and R12 get it. Most of the rest of you are presumptive assholes.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||10/31/2013|
That was from OP
|by Anonymous||reply 42||10/31/2013|
OP, you are always going to be judged by others, whether it's about having a husband or about what car you drive. Unless this is really about regretting your marriage, it's a non-issue.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||10/31/2013|
OP, from what you say in r40, I think you're paranoid. Who would you possibly interact with socially who would pose some threat to you? You're not going to be yakking about your personal life with violent homophobes.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||10/31/2013|
Why don't you call him your "Ball and Chain" like straight couples do?
|by Anonymous||reply 45||10/31/2013|
Nice @ r12, I know exactly what you mean. I think people forget that.
Do what you want, OP. Screw other people. If it's not a case where you expect violence or something, the issue is something you have to deal with within yourself, as far as the bad emotional responses. You'll do it enough you'll turn those feelings outward instead of inward.
I couldn't use the word spouse, not because I don't like it, because I do, but I have a lateral lisp.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||10/31/2013|
I really took time to give you a thoughtful reply OP. For my efforts I was just lumped together with a bunch of "assholes". In hindsight I'm now guessing you do bring a lot of this on yourself - generalizations generally get the same in return. Maybe that's what scares you. You're scared you'll be treated the way you treat others.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||10/31/2013|
I am engaged and when I speak of my fiance everyone assumes he is a she. I must admit I am more comfortable with the word partner than husband. A husband is something my sisters had. I want something better.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||10/31/2013|
Most of you completely misunderstood me. I've been out of the closet for 20 years. I've been with my husband for 16 years. I've never lied about it. I always called him partner and always call him husband now. It's just different to call him husband and FREEING like I said in my original post. It's just strange because now it feels more real and more honest. And guess, what? I skipped the 7th grade because I was smarter than you asshole.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||11/01/2013|
OP, if you're still talking about skipping 7th grade in your 50s, THAT'S why people don't like you. It has nothing to do with being gay.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||11/01/2013|
Tell everyone that he's the live-in gardener.
|by Anonymous||reply 51||11/01/2013|
The 7th grade is a very important year for mutal sexual exploration for young boys, OP. You missed it and this is why you are a total mental wreck right now. It's totally Freudian, dude.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||11/01/2013|
^ Because he fertilizes your trench.
|by Anonymous||reply 53||11/01/2013|
[quote]Saying husband sounds like he is the boss of me. There is just something girly about it.
Are you fucking kidding me? All you're doing is projecting your own identity issues onto a *word* - probably still some internalized self-loathing to the extent that if you're the one *saying* "husband," then by logic then you must be "the wife" (servile, feminine, bottom, etc.). Which is ridiculous.
The newly married couples I know -- or, rather, newly LEGALLY married GAY couples I know -- say it proudly and with more than a bit of audacity. The older married couples I know -- the ones who said, "fuck the law, let's get married" 15 or 20 years ago, and have been using the term "husband" that whole time -- use it as a term of endearment or, occasionally, mild exasperation.
|by Anonymous||reply 54||11/01/2013|
You hear "self-loathing" a lot on DL. Everyone seems to be an expert on who is or is not "self-loathing" based only a handful of words of text.
How can these people be so fucking perceptive? Or are they all just big bags of gass who like to hear themselves talk?
|by Anonymous||reply 55||11/01/2013|
Thank you r21.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||11/03/2013|