How long before you commit to being exclusive in a relationship?
I just moved to NYC and am kind of new to the whole dating scene, and admittedly to dating in general (there weren't a lot of options back home). I met a guy online (through OKCupid) and we've gone on a number of dates, and we've been seeing each other for about 2 months now. At the same time, we're still both on the site, and I'm continuing to get messages from and arrange dates with other guys, and I'm assuming he's doing the same.
I like this guy a lot and have fun when we're together, but I don't know if we've reached a point where I'm ready to commit to being exclusive with him and taking myself off the market, so to speak, and we haven't talked about it yet (FYI, neither of us is interested in an open relationship). I'm guessing there isn't a hard and fast rule for when you reach that point, and it'll be different for everyone, but it'd be helpful to hear other people's experiences about when you decided to stop dating around and be exclusive with your partner - any advice appreciated. Thanks!
|by Anonymous||reply 17||10/29/2013|
At some point (soon) you're going to have to clarify the nature of your relationship. This means "having a talk about us". You simply need to state your expectations and ask him what his are. Are you casually dating, seeing each other...and how do you define these things. This can be scary because you don't know if his assumptions match yours. He might think you're already exclusive while you assume you can continue playing the field. If you don't clear this up now, things could get very messy later.
Relationships require communication. It's time to talk, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||10/29/2013|
I've been with a guy for 19 years without ever having the talk. We both have messed around with guys so it's an open relationship, but we've never said that to each other.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||10/29/2013|
OP where are you from? And did you leave a bf behind?
|by Anonymous||reply 3||10/29/2013|
I monogamously date one person at a time. I'm just a one-man man, and not a horny whore who needs to comparison shop.
Plus there is the std factor; don't want any, don't want to spread any.
So if it turns into a relationship, I'm already monogamous- and just stay that way.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||10/29/2013|
You become exclusive when you want to be. Anything else that is agreed upon, or stipulated, is doomed for failure.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||10/29/2013|
I must be really old fashioned. Once I start dating somebody and think it might lead to something serious, I don't look at other guys even if we haven't had the talk. If I think it may develop into something good, I try and make it happen rather than be out looking elsewhere.
If I know from the start it's going to be something casual and fun and don't see it going longer term, I'll keep my eye open, but honestly who has the time?
|by Anonymous||reply 6||10/29/2013|
R1 is a girl giving advice for other girls.
OP, there is no "average" or expected length of time after which you must "have a talk" or any of that shit.
When you stop wanting to date other guys, you'll stop. If it's working the way it is now with this guy, you should know better than to fuck with it.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||10/29/2013|
Thanks, R1 - yeah, I'm familiar with the concept of "the talk"; I'm just not sure when's the right time to have it (or if there's no "right" time and it comes up when you're both ready).
If we'd only been seeing each other two weeks and suddenly I wanted to talk about where this was going, I think that'd be too soon and a bit too intense - like, slow down, we just went on a few dates. But not having a talk after a couple of months seems like you're actively avoiding the subject. And I think being in NYC can influence behaviors, for better or worse - if I were back home (in a suburb near Chicago, R3; no boyfriend there), I think I'd pretty much be exclusive by default because of the lack of other options.
And R6, I think if I'm honest with myself the reason I haven't committed yet is that I'm not sure if this will be "serious" or not - I like him and he's a quality guy, but I'm not sure if there's much of a spark or deeper connection, and part of me wants to keep seeing him to see if something further can develop the more I get to know him, while another part is wondering if it's already a dead-end and I should cut things short (even though there's nothing "wrong").
|by Anonymous||reply 8||10/29/2013|
Sorry, R8 was me (the OP)
|by Anonymous||reply 9||10/29/2013|
[quote] there weren't a lot of options back home
There weren't options in Chicago OP?
|by Anonymous||reply 10||10/29/2013|
OP, what would be the point of cutting it off if there's nothing wrong? If you meet someone else and that relationship is more interesting to you, or you think it has more of a future, then you'll let this guy know. I presume he'll do the same with you.
The only reason I can see for having "the talk" at this early point is if you think he's getting serious and you're not. I didn't get that impression.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||10/29/2013|
R10, the suburbs aren't the city, or at least it seemed that way to me when I was there - I feel like living in New York is a whole different world with the number of guys here.
And R11, that's kind of where I'm at now - I want to continue to give this a chance, but at the same time I'm starting to wonder / worry if we're reaching some unspoken deadline at which point we're supposed to have a talk about where this is going, and I'm just not ready yet (and his dating profile is still active, so I'm assuming he's still keeping his options open too). I just don't know what other people consider "early" or "late" to have a talk.
I guess if he does bring it up soon I'll be honest with him and say I like seeing him but I'm not sure if I'm ready for this to be serious yet, and we can decide where to go from there, even if it includes ending things.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||10/29/2013|
[quote]I guess if he does bring it up soon I'll be honest with him and say I like seeing him but I'm not sure if I'm ready for this to be serious yet, and we can decide where to go from there, even if it includes ending things.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||10/29/2013|
R2 is a perfect recipe for a dysfunctional relationship between two intimacy-phobes.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||10/29/2013|
[quote]R1] is a girl giving advice for other girls
Fuck off you jackass.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||10/29/2013|
R15 is a cunt that demands a set of chains to keep her man in check, and must call out anyone who does not ascribe to her notions of ownership in marriage and relationships.
Yes, a stinking cunt, that one.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||10/29/2013|