My wife and I got married last year, after dating for seven years. We have shared expenses over the years. She opened up her own business about five years ago, and I paid the majority of the bills for a while (I am a nurse and picked up extra shifts to help out ). She also borrowed money from a couple of her friends at this time, which she has still not paid back. She told me that the total that she owed them was about 4k. I found out today that my father gave her 6k around this time, after she called him crying about how bad business was. He looks at her like a daughter, and gave it to her, promising not to say anything to me about it. My father told my brother, who decided to tell me today, after I complained about his wife's family freeloading off of my father. I am embarrassed, and livid. When I confronted her about it, she apologized, and confessed that the amount owed to friends is closer to 9k. My father is in poor health, and I stand to inherit about 800k. I do not want her to get a dime of it, and am now paranoid about her using me for money. The trust is gone. Do I ask her to sign something stating that she won't get any interest in my fathers estate? I love her, but I cannot stand feeling this way. She doesn't lie about anything other than money, as far as I know.
Finance/relationship advice needed....
|by Fuck marriage||reply 41||10/30/2013|
OP, she may be the type person who just tells people what they want to hear.
These people of the most annoying fucks I have ever run across.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 1||10/28/2013|
OP, see a lawyer. You need a serious, legally binding, post-nuptial agreement that includes protecting any future inheritance.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 2||10/28/2013|
OP, are you a woman?
|by Fuck marriage||reply 3||10/28/2013|
|by Fuck marriage||reply 4||10/28/2013|
R4, get in touch with a lawyer in your area who specializes in gay and lesbian marriage issues in that area. There are more ins and outs and loopholes than you might imagine, and the weirdness you're going through is compounded by the fact that it's your father your partner is...manipulating, shall we say. And do it now.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 5||10/28/2013|
White people problems...
|by Fuck marriage||reply 6||10/28/2013|
Guess what, OP?
Your wife is fucking your father.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 7||10/28/2013|
Lol, r7. My father is almost 80, and lives in a different state. They share a love of sports, politics, etc. I really loved the fact that she was close to my dad, but I am beginning to wonder if she was only close to him because she knew that he wouldn't hesitate to loan/give her money. Her other friends that she borrowed from don't speak to her anymore. I don't want to be an ass, and part of me wonders if I am being paranoid. We have been through times when we were both broke. The lying, and willingness to screw her friends, seems like a red flag though. It just seems like a horrible thing to ask someone for a postnuptial agreement.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 8||10/28/2013|
It IS a red flag - a giant, waving in your face, Danger Ahead red flag.
You need to get over the "it's a terrible thing to ask" bullshit. If she hadn't demonstrated how untrustworthy and sneaky she is about money, you wouldn't contemplate asking. If she won't sign a post-nuptial after what she's done and the lies she's told - that tells you who she is and you need to address it.
Love is great - don't end up being the cliche wife who was dumb about her spouse and her finances. Unless you're the cliche wife who doesn't want to know, in which case do nothing.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 9||10/28/2013|
[quote]I found out today that my father gave her 6k around this time, after she called him crying about how bad business was. He looks at her like a daughter, and gave it to her, promising not to say anything to me about it. My father told my brother, who decided to tell me today, after I complained about his wife's family freeloading off of my father.
You and your whole family sound like complete trash.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 10||10/28/2013|
Well, OP. Because YOU chose a wife who is bad with money, you think it's an argument against gay marriage?
F- YOU. My partner of 20 years and I have a joint bank account and none of your problems, and we deserve to get married, despite your bad luck.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 11||10/28/2013|
|by Fuck marriage||reply 12||10/28/2013|
I'm pretty sure she was only referring to her own marriage, R11.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 13||10/28/2013|
You guys are right. Sorry. I went off half-cocked.
I just hate anything that smacks of: "marriage is not worth it."
|by Fuck marriage||reply 14||10/28/2013|
OP are you in Canada, perchance?
|by Fuck marriage||reply 15||10/28/2013|
Marriage ISN'T worth it most of the time. But nobody wants to be alone so we suck it up.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 16||10/28/2013|
I have NEVER understood the argument "didn't want to be alone."
You'd rather be unhappy than alone? And what does "alone" really mean?
|by Fuck marriage||reply 17||10/28/2013|
You married her; she will share in your inheritance. She's not fucking around behind your back. She's trying to make her dream a reality and really believes she can repay all of the debt once business is better.
Everyone is told he/she can be an entrepreneur. The reality is that most do not grasp simple income vs. expense. They also ignore the failure rate of new businesses.
We're in a shit economy. She's praying an improved environment will improve her situation. That won't necessarily happen.
Make her visit and use an accountant. She needs to see those debts as real every time she makes a spending decision for her business. You may also want to get her into credit counseling. Her credit is your credit. You can't have a nut ruining everything.
It's easy to pretend things are fine as long as others help you meet utilities, leases, and COGS. The reality is you have to look at revenue vs. these expenses.
Is the business as a going concern approaching self-sufficiency? Answer this question and you know whether to give up or continue. It's harsh.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 18||10/28/2013|
Even in community property states, money inherited during the marriage remains separate property unless the parties agree otherwise. OP will obviously not so agree. But OP's dad may bequeath something directly to the wife.
OP, have a direct and honest conversation with your wife, and demand financial transparency going forward. There's a thing called "financial infidelity"--a breach of trust wrt money matters, with much of the same secrecy and deception that a physical affair would involve. If you ant to save the marriage, you call her out on it. If you want out, get lawyered up and get out.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 19||10/28/2013|
All this animosity over one percent of the amount you stand to inherit, that was freely given by your father to a daughter in law he is fond of?
OP, you sound like you love money more than you love your wife.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 20||10/28/2013|
Oh, r20. I love my wife so much, otherwise I would have been gone already. She is gorgeous, and really sweet. When I was sick a couple of weeks ago, she made me homemade soup, massaged my neck, and went so overboard making sure that I was comfortable. She makes me laugh, and is really smart. She is also greedy and materialistic. One of her employees that she fired last year said "You would fuck over your own mother for money" and she was really upset about it. It is because it is true. I just never thought that it would happen to me. The 'one percent' that she took from my father is embarrassing. I looked like a complete fool calling out my brother's wife for taking $ from my dad when my own wife took more. I was a jerk to her friends that loaned her money, because I thought that they weren't giving her enough time to pay them back. I always took her side. It hurts to feel so deceived.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 21||10/28/2013|
R20 = dumb as a bag of hammers. Shut the fuck up, moron.
OP, disregard R20's guilt-tripping 'as if it were written by your wife' post.
The amount doesn't matter. The LIES matter. The SNEAKING AROUND BEHIND YOUR BACK matters. The GETTING YOUR OWN FATHER TO KEEP IT A SECRET FROM YOU matters. It could have been $100 - it would have amounted to the same thing.
You need to take action. This kind of deception and low-down, low-rent behavior has to be addressed - seriously addressed. Protecting your inheritance is only one of - and perhaps the least of - your problems.
You're married to a liar. You're married to someone who is irresponsible with money. You're married to someone who will get your own family to lie to you (by omission).
Deal with it. Don't come back to this thread until you've done something useful.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 22||10/28/2013|
See an attorney. Do it now.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 23||10/29/2013|
This is why lesbians can't have nice things.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 24||10/29/2013|
Whoops. Sorry, I misread your original post the first time. I thought it said that your dad offered the money without being asked and he was the one who said not to tell you. My mistake, guess you should look into a lawyer about finances. Good luck.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 25||10/29/2013|
lol r24, I thought the same thing. Lesbian Drama!!!
|by Fuck marriage||reply 26||10/29/2013|
All of this drama over $15,000? I would pay off my husband's debt and have a serious conversation about the shady behavior, probably involving an ultimatum. If I just walked away and ended up being single I'd go through the $15,000 on cock hunting in less than a year. So, it would be cheaper in the long run for OP to work this out. Being female, she'd blow the money on a colony of cats though.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 27||10/29/2013|
Sadly I feel like the lying about money is the tip of the iceberg. Manipulation of her friends, you AND your father?
|by Fuck marriage||reply 28||10/29/2013|
Plus, the girlfriend and the father are doing the nastee.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 29||10/29/2013|
Get a divorce. You already don't trust her.
And to say that she only lies about money is really naive. You say that she only lies about money because she's been better at hiding the other lies. In fact, the only reason you know about the money lie is because someone else finally told you.
[quote]When I was sick a couple of weeks ago, she made me homemade soup, massaged my neck, and went so overboard making sure that I was comfortable.
Of course she did. She needs you healthy and around so she can cash in on your inheritance. Taking care of someone when they're sick doesn't make up for the lying and deceit going on behind your back. It's called guilt.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 30||10/29/2013|
In some states people plan to marry if income was earned over that time only toady so that the money that one had come in can't be considered once a marriage commences. ~ Basically what I'm trying to say is that you can and will drive yourself crazy thinking of how to react and protect yourself. I'm very sorry that you feel embarrassed and for the damage done to you and your father etc., the very best suggestion I would give you us take the opposite path first, meaning find a Marriage and Family therapist they are extensively trained LMFT, MFCC, or called MFT's depending on where you live. I think this us the least expensive and safest way to document and try to protect yourself and try to stop the bleeding. You both need a new agreement drawn up starting with the right now. Do not try to alienate her or be sneaky, it's counterproductive mentally exhausting and for every thing you may come up with she will have an attorney or "friend" that can do plotting as well. As far as your inheritance is concerned meet with your CPA and have a living trust drawn up. Check with your CPA or financial Planner. I really think this ALL needs to be discussed in the presence if a marriage / family therapist. It will help keep you both sane, and usually prevents people such as you described your wife from continuing to steal, use, Most certainly abuse your trust and money. Think of it as gathering your Army facts before you go to war, which may not be necessary. You have more power to put into place some more controls over your money etc while still married and not divorcing. Your wife may be suffering g from a more serious problem that could be treated and the help of a therapist and then financial planner, living trust, dele rating funds implementing more safety over the state if your finances are best done now than later in a divorce. You need an accounting done and cooperation with her, try the Mft,MFCC option first they have an extra 4-8 years of training and may help if nothing else document ( privilege does not apply if you are a patient and present ) they can minimize the future damage and help you figure out what you are dealing with, which sounds like lots if anxiety and fear over the unknown part that she may have done. Best of luck to you both.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 31||10/29/2013|
In states such as Texas you each are considered common law which can mean 50%, however once that couple gets married and then files for divorce the income made during common law years cannot be included in divorce, basically that marriage ends the other persons legal claim to those common law years. Still trust me man even you are absolutely certain you want to divorce this woman go to the therapist ( a marriage and family one). It will help you get intel, reduce damage and calm or stop her spending now. Good luck
|by Fuck marriage||reply 32||10/29/2013|
[quote]I looked like a complete fool calling out my brother's wife for taking $ from my dad when my own wife took more.
Your sister-in-law is a saint for putting up with your bullshit.
Do you go on these power trips often? You defend your dad from your wife and your sister-in-law. You defend your wife from your friends.
Have you considered crucifixion? You're so well suited.
Now. Get the wife into counseling, apologize to your SIL, apologize to your dad for minding his business as if he's retarded, and apologize to your friends for acting like such a cunt.
These are the things you can control.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 33||10/29/2013|
I'm with R22.
In any other marriage, when one spouse learns that the other is incurring large debts, there's not even a discussion about whether this is a viable situation.
I'd divorce lawyer up post haste.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 34||10/29/2013|
This sounds like it would best be approached by directly confronting her.
In front of a drum circle.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 35||10/29/2013|
|by Fuck marriage||reply 36||10/30/2013|
"Do I ask her to sign something stating that she won't get any interest in my fathers estate?"
No, you ask for a divorce.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 37||10/30/2013|
Run, OP, RUN !!!!
|by Fuck marriage||reply 38||10/30/2013|
Stop making such a big deal over this. She is tryng to get a business off the ground and borrowed some money from friends and family and was too embarassed to tell you about it, because she knew you'd react exactly like you did.
She didn't drink the money away, or go to casinos, or buy extravagances, did she? Give her a break and try to move on, with a promise from her to keep financial matters above board.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 39||10/30/2013|
R39 = a con-lez and a thief.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 40||10/30/2013|
OP- you MARRIED her after knowing her already for 7 years! You must have known her personality after 7 years. You must have known she loves money. She has a business and tries to earn her money. What do you do? What kind of marriage is this? Commitment (especially after knowing someone for 7 years) is about helping each other. You've been married for 1 year and already you sign yourself "Fuck marriage" because you have a problem? And you say she is sweet and takes care of you when you are sick but still you want to keep her from a 800,000 inheritance? Babe, you're MARRIED. What yours is hers and vice versa. You don;t sound like a team player. You sound like a real selfish tw*t.
|by Fuck marriage||reply 41||10/30/2013|