What would a retirement home for Dataloungers be like? What amenities would it have to have?
Shady Pines Datalounge
|by Anonymous||reply 102||10/23/2013|
Pink tablets with 24 hour man porn.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||10/19/2013|
The orderlies would have to be drunk and disorderly.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||10/19/2013|
The door to the women's wing would lead outside and lock securely behind the person going through it.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||10/19/2013|
|by Anonymous||reply 4||10/19/2013|
There would be a ruinous civil war between the cut and uncut wings including involuntary cirucmcision episodes.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||10/19/2013|
The male nurses would wear socks and shirts but no pants.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||10/19/2013|
Cool residents. Enough books that I like. Don't know about the rest.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||10/19/2013|
A mashup of 'Arsenic and Old Lace' and 'Sunset Boulevard'.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||10/19/2013|
Monocles for all of you.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||10/19/2013|
Caftans for everyone!
|by Anonymous||reply 10||10/19/2013|
The dining hall would have a Once Around the Garden salad bar and a baked potato bar every night of the week.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||10/19/2013|
Caftans. Hearing aids.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||10/19/2013|
Each room would have a dial telephone with a silver-plated pencil next to it.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||10/19/2013|
Frozen meatballs for dinner, again?
|by Anonymous||reply 14||10/19/2013|
Lots of mugs
|by Anonymous||reply 15||10/19/2013|
What age would a one need to be to qualify for residency? 50? 45? 40?
|by Anonymous||reply 16||10/19/2013|
Try 30, r17.
|by Anonymous||reply 17||10/19/2013|
Having worked briefly in a privately run adult care home, I could tell you horrifying stories. I suggest double lap robes. We had an unrelted man and woman that were bug fucking crazy. The always sat together with their hands in each other laps, playing with each other. Would be nice to cover that up.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||10/19/2013|
When the nurses were very busy you'd have to pay an extra $18.00 to get your meds.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||10/19/2013|
Thank you r19, I no longer fear growing old.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||10/19/2013|
Couldn't live there, every time dinner is served, it'd be Primetime.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||10/19/2013|
If you wanted to watch soap operas, you'd have to keep it on the down low.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||10/19/2013|
Activities would include designing jewellery from clay.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||10/19/2013|
Vintage A&F t-shirts, all worn 3 sizes too small.
'80 is the new 40' posters in all public rooms.
Sunday pride parades through the corridors starting at 2:00 p.m.; after-party at 4:00 p.m.
Madonna-thon days on the sound system.
Dark-out night - Last Thursday of the month!
|by Anonymous||reply 24||10/19/2013|
Will there be nutloaf?
|by Anonymous||reply 25||10/19/2013|
[quote] Madonna-thon days on the sound system
Activities would include making collages from pics of Madonna looking her worst, and making list of her lowest chart placings.
Ear plugs would be handed out at the beginning of the -thon.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||10/19/2013|
For a week in August, R26.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||10/19/2013|
Sunday afternoon pride parades to be lead by Dykes on Walkers, of course.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||10/19/2013|
"Enough books that I like" - yes, R8, but they'd all be stacked on the floor.
There'd be amyl nitrate in all the emergency oxygen masks and the fire alarm would be Disco Inferno.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||10/19/2013|
Elaine Stritch would be running the arts and craft section and complaining about she never got to be in any one of the 112 revivals of FOLLIES.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||10/19/2013|
Outside: squirrels. Inside: death.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||10/19/2013|
Timed triggers to set off the trolls on the usual subjects like racism, being 'straight acting', whether a guy who sucks a dick one time is still 'straight', etc.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||10/19/2013|
Red Dragon cheese for afternoon snacks.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||10/19/2013|
Security will be present in the TV lounge during all tennis and figure skating programs.
|by Anonymous||reply 34||10/19/2013|
Unruly residents would be threatened with "LChat, ma" or "iVillage, pa"
|by Anonymous||reply 35||10/19/2013|
Bi-monthly jaunts to Olive Garden for unlimited breadsticks. Every one brings baggies.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||10/19/2013|
Bread selection will include refrigerated and NOT refrigerated.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||10/19/2013|
Golden Corral, R37.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||10/19/2013|
R32 and R38 crack me up.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||10/19/2013|
1 pm M-W-F: Debate as to whether a celebrity must say "I am gay" in a public venue in order to be considered as having come out, or is being seen publicly with a partner or thanking him/her in a speech is sufficient.
3 pm Tuesdays: Roundtable discussion about whether George Clooney is gay.
1st Monday of the month: "Lucille Ball's MAME: Camp fest, underrated classic, or unmitigated disaster?"
|by Anonymous||reply 40||10/19/2013|
Are pets allowed? Specifically cats and parasights?
|by Anonymous||reply 41||10/19/2013|
R41, you win.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||10/19/2013|
Parasights. Oh Mary, the game.
|by Anonymous||reply 43||10/19/2013|
Prancercise at 11 am in the first floor recreation room.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||10/19/2013|
I personally would prefer a guard gated community for active Dataloungers 55 and older. But because there are no basements, three quarters of Dataloungers would not be interested.
Even with free Cheetos in the Clubhouse.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||10/19/2013|
Caftan dry cleaning service.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||10/19/2013|
Anal prolapse wing.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||10/19/2013|
Margarine fountain in the lobby.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||10/19/2013|
Datalounge WAS Shady Pines for about the last 24 hours, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 49||10/19/2013|
"As my father said to me when he died in my arms, 'I don't understand any of it. I never did.' Turn the lights out when you leave."
|by Anonymous||reply 50||10/19/2013|
Will the nurses douche me before i offer myself to the hunky maintenance guy who hangs my tom of finland pix?
|by Anonymous||reply 51||10/19/2013|
As I get older I increasingly feel the same way as your father, R51. Glad you were with him at the end when the lights faded to zero. I expect that meant everything to him. x
|by Anonymous||reply 52||10/19/2013|
I'm hysterical R53
|by Anonymous||reply 53||10/19/2013|
R54, you're really *not*
|by Anonymous||reply 54||10/19/2013|
The more I think about it the more I want my retirement home to be like my college residence hall room.
Bed. desk, reading chair, mini-fridge, microwave. Cafeteria - with a take out option.
Gym membership, movie series for all tastes, access to great library, great wifi,
quite floors - kids who wanted enforced quiet times for studying could pick those rooms, no conflict with those of us who wanted to make noise.
Only thing I'd add would be a good wine selection in the convenience store.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||10/19/2013|
Earrings...caftans...and a nacreous layer of precum.
|by Anonymous||reply 56||10/19/2013|
Twinkish candy stripers subjected to frequent hissings.
The weekly ice cream social is constantly marred by insults between the manorexics and the fatties.
A scandal erupts over abuse accusations when it's discovered that several patients have delivered vicious face-slappings to staff and volunteers.
|by Anonymous||reply 57||10/19/2013|
All the glory holes will have safety handles.
Cancer patients who lose weight will be rock stars.
Perfume will come back in a big way - but it will be restricted to Giorgio and Poison. Some queen will sneak in Anais Anais and be whipped with canes.
|by Anonymous||reply 58||10/19/2013|
A fabulous margarine fountain in every room!
|by Anonymous||reply 59||10/19/2013|
A non-cocktail hour every day. For a breather.
Apparently R8 actually is shopping for a rest home.
|by Anonymous||reply 60||10/19/2013|
Hey love, spread your legs and smoke that joint, I want to see what you have down there to suck and lick, you will like it..
|by Anonymous||reply 61||10/19/2013|
OK, r59 gets two snorts of my cocktail out of my nose, and a snap.
|by Anonymous||reply 62||10/19/2013|
Bread pudding every day!!
|by Anonymous||reply 63||10/19/2013|
a cloth purse like one a child might have provided for one and all
|by Anonymous||reply 64||10/19/2013|
There would be one resident bitching about how there is no farm fresh butter and a building of residents rolling their eyes at him.
|by Anonymous||reply 65||10/19/2013|
The supply cabinets would be stocked with sets of what DLers are used to getting for comfort and protection: Nestle Crunch, enema bag, Dentu-Grip, and condoms, condoms, condoms.
|by Anonymous||reply 66||10/19/2013|
"Nurse! Nurse! I think my roommate is a gargoyle."
|by Anonymous||reply 67||10/19/2013|
"Mr. Withersby was strangled with his oxygen tube! They found a copy of "Funny Lady besides the body. The entire North wing cheered."
|by Anonymous||reply 68||10/19/2013|
Lonely, unsociable residents will each be given a Red Weirdo as a companion.
|by Anonymous||reply 69||10/19/2013|
WW, R20! LOL!
|by Anonymous||reply 70||10/19/2013|
There would be two or three residents making jokes about Cheryl's pussy. There would be hundreds of residents signing a petition to get those two or three residents kicked out.
|by Anonymous||reply 71||10/19/2013|
A special seminar: Avoiding Gayface in Your Golden Years(post 30). Judo lessons given by Constance Ford and Mrs. Alfred Steele.
|by Anonymous||reply 72||10/19/2013|
Batshit Bingo Buffet and Raffle ever Wednesday 5-7:30 PM sponsored by Publix Deli and Bakery and XTC Super Centers with Mama presiding as emcee.
|by Anonymous||reply 73||10/19/2013|
All the wymyn will have canes.
|by Anonymous||reply 74||10/19/2013|
Cak and graxy for dinner. Every fucking night. Now shut up and take your bitter pills. Oh, and read my blog. Or else it gets the hose again.
|by Anonymous||reply 75||10/19/2013|
Cheryl will be reserving an entire wing. Staff in adjacent wings will bake cookies three times daily.
|by Anonymous||reply 76||10/19/2013|
Reading through the above, we may have a bit of a problem with staff turnover...
|by Anonymous||reply 77||10/19/2013|
For a week every August, all the womyn would take a field trip to Michfest.
|by Anonymous||reply 78||10/19/2013|
Golden Girls screenings daily at 10 a.m., 11 a.m., noon, 1 p.m., 2 p.m., 3 p.m., 4 p.m. and 5 p.m.
After dinner at 7 p.m., 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. each night, residents would reenact episodes from memory.
Residents would vote on the best portrayals of the Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia. Winners get to split a cheesecake in the kitchen at 1 a.m.
|by Anonymous||reply 79||10/19/2013|
Today's Henry Cavill discussion group includes a special guest. The best friend of a guy who is the cousin of the boyfriend of a man who watched Henry get his haircut in London will share his observations about Henry's nipple placement and how they conclusively prove Henry's homosexuality.
Tomorrow, the plumber of a man who is the ex of a sales clerk at Saks who is best friends with a man who was once roommates with a man who served drinks to Henry in a New York City restaurant where a waiter says gave Henry a blowjob in the coatcheck room will share his insider information.
Arrive early as seating is limited at these special sessions. Doors open at 7 a.m. Talk begins at 4:30 p.m.
And free your calendars for next Tuesday. The secretary of a man who lives next door to a man who once gave directions to Ted Casablanca will spill all she knows about Toothy Tile.
|by Anonymous||reply 80||10/20/2013|
You GUYS ARE SO QUEER I CAN'T STAND IT ANYMORE! I'M GOING TO JUMP OFF THE GW BRIDGE AND WHEN YOU READ ABOUT MY DEATH YOU HAVE ONLY YOURSELVES TO BLAME. PS: I SENT A COPY OF THIS TO THE DAILY NEWS.
|by Anonymous||reply 81||10/20/2013|
If Shady Pines becomes too successful, all the retirement age housefraus will want to move in.
|by Anonymous||reply 82||10/20/2013|
Without afternoon Bingo and chocolate pudding cups(:
|by Anonymous||reply 83||10/20/2013|
Shady Pines, Mama!
|by Anonymous||reply 84||10/20/2013|
I'm not moving in if Ginny is in Billing.
|by Anonymous||reply 85||10/20/2013|
My GF asks: why is Datalounge called Datalounge? Interesting question.
|by Anonymous||reply 86||10/20/2013|
A sign in the lobby says "Children's Visiting Hours:" followed by a blank spot where the text has been scratched out and covered with nail polish.
|by Anonymous||reply 87||10/20/2013|
Maybe Anderson and Ben can move to Shady Pines too.
|by Anonymous||reply 88||10/20/2013|
r88, you're GF sounds rather dour. You're a lesbian I'm guessing.
|by Anonymous||reply 89||10/20/2013|
Double-Dutch jump roping with our catheter tubes.
|by Anonymous||reply 90||10/21/2013|
One dementia patient -with strings of spit hanging from both sides of his mouth and a stain of shit running down his gown- will wander the halls.
He'll sneak into random rooms and yell, "Your a straight frau cunt and we don't want you here!"
Even the frailest queen on his deathbed will respond, "It's you're, not your."
|by Anonymous||reply 91||10/21/2013|
R93, and then she'll retort with, "Lady GaGa is STILL the Queen of Pop!"
|by Anonymous||reply 92||10/21/2013|
R89, good one!
|by Anonymous||reply 93||10/21/2013|
The Revenge of Men Presenting Their Holes ... at 90.
|by Anonymous||reply 94||10/22/2013|
The Viagra bills would be through the roof. So would the carpet and linen cleaning.
|by Anonymous||reply 95||10/22/2013|
r97 That could be the Shady Pines' marketing angle: Free Viagra with Every Meal.
|by Anonymous||reply 96||10/23/2013|
Cryogenic frozen heads
|by Anonymous||reply 97||10/23/2013|
Anal bleaching on the esplanade, next to the shuffleboard deck.
|by Anonymous||reply 98||10/23/2013|
"Surprise Anal" will be an unplanned enema.
|by Anonymous||reply 99||10/23/2013|
Plenty of fancy butter and farm fresh eggs.
|by Anonymous||reply 100||10/23/2013|