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Shady Pines Datalounge

What would a retirement home for Dataloungers be like? What amenities would it have to have?

by Anonymousreply 10210/23/2013

Pink tablets with 24 hour man porn.

by Anonymousreply 110/19/2013

The orderlies would have to be drunk and disorderly.

by Anonymousreply 210/19/2013

The door to the women's wing would lead outside and lock securely behind the person going through it.

by Anonymousreply 310/19/2013

Surprise anal.

by Anonymousreply 410/19/2013

There would be a ruinous civil war between the cut and uncut wings including involuntary cirucmcision episodes.

by Anonymousreply 510/19/2013

The male nurses would wear socks and shirts but no pants.

by Anonymousreply 610/19/2013

Cool residents. Enough books that I like. Don't know about the rest.

by Anonymousreply 710/19/2013

A mashup of 'Arsenic and Old Lace' and 'Sunset Boulevard'.

by Anonymousreply 810/19/2013

Monocles for all of you.

by Anonymousreply 910/19/2013

Caftans for everyone!

by Anonymousreply 1010/19/2013

The dining hall would have a Once Around the Garden salad bar and a baked potato bar every night of the week.

by Anonymousreply 1110/19/2013

Caftans. Hearing aids.

by Anonymousreply 1210/19/2013

Each room would have a dial telephone with a silver-plated pencil next to it.

by Anonymousreply 1310/19/2013

Frozen meatballs for dinner, again?

by Anonymousreply 1410/19/2013

Lots of mugs

by Anonymousreply 1510/19/2013

What age would a one need to be to qualify for residency? 50? 45? 40?

by Anonymousreply 1610/19/2013

Try 30, r17.

by Anonymousreply 1710/19/2013

Having worked briefly in a privately run adult care home, I could tell you horrifying stories. I suggest double lap robes. We had an unrelted man and woman that were bug fucking crazy. The always sat together with their hands in each other laps, playing with each other. Would be nice to cover that up.

by Anonymousreply 1810/19/2013

When the nurses were very busy you'd have to pay an extra $18.00 to get your meds.

by Anonymousreply 1910/19/2013

Thank you r19, I no longer fear growing old.

by Anonymousreply 2010/19/2013

Couldn't live there, every time dinner is served, it'd be Primetime.

by Anonymousreply 2110/19/2013

If you wanted to watch soap operas, you'd have to keep it on the down low.

by Anonymousreply 2210/19/2013

Activities would include designing jewellery from clay.

by Anonymousreply 2310/19/2013

Vintage A&F t-shirts, all worn 3 sizes too small.

'80 is the new 40' posters in all public rooms.

Sunday pride parades through the corridors starting at 2:00 p.m.; after-party at 4:00 p.m.

Madonna-thon days on the sound system.

Dark-out night - Last Thursday of the month!

by Anonymousreply 2410/19/2013

Will there be nutloaf?

by Anonymousreply 2510/19/2013

[quote] Madonna-thon days on the sound system

Activities would include making collages from pics of Madonna looking her worst, and making list of her lowest chart placings.

Ear plugs would be handed out at the beginning of the -thon.

by Anonymousreply 2610/19/2013

For a week in August, R26.

by Anonymousreply 2710/19/2013

Sunday afternoon pride parades to be lead by Dykes on Walkers, of course.

by Anonymousreply 2810/19/2013

"Enough books that I like" - yes, R8, but they'd all be stacked on the floor.

There'd be amyl nitrate in all the emergency oxygen masks and the fire alarm would be Disco Inferno.

by Anonymousreply 2910/19/2013

Elaine Stritch would be running the arts and craft section and complaining about she never got to be in any one of the 112 revivals of FOLLIES.

by Anonymousreply 3010/19/2013

Outside: squirrels. Inside: death.

by Anonymousreply 3110/19/2013

Timed triggers to set off the trolls on the usual subjects like racism, being 'straight acting', whether a guy who sucks a dick one time is still 'straight', etc.

by Anonymousreply 3210/19/2013

Red Dragon cheese for afternoon snacks.

by Anonymousreply 3310/19/2013

Security will be present in the TV lounge during all tennis and figure skating programs.

by Anonymousreply 3410/19/2013

Unruly residents would be threatened with "LChat, ma" or "iVillage, pa"

by Anonymousreply 3510/19/2013

Bi-monthly jaunts to Olive Garden for unlimited breadsticks. Every one brings baggies.

by Anonymousreply 3610/19/2013

Bread selection will include refrigerated and NOT refrigerated.

by Anonymousreply 3710/19/2013

Golden Corral, R37.

by Anonymousreply 3810/19/2013

R32 and R38 crack me up.

by Anonymousreply 3910/19/2013

Afternoon activities:

1 pm M-W-F: Debate as to whether a celebrity must say "I am gay" in a public venue in order to be considered as having come out, or is being seen publicly with a partner or thanking him/her in a speech is sufficient.

3 pm Tuesdays: Roundtable discussion about whether George Clooney is gay.

1st Monday of the month: "Lucille Ball's MAME: Camp fest, underrated classic, or unmitigated disaster?"

by Anonymousreply 4010/19/2013

Are pets allowed? Specifically cats and parasights?

by Anonymousreply 4110/19/2013

R41, you win.

by Anonymousreply 4210/19/2013

Parasights. Oh Mary, the game.

by Anonymousreply 4310/19/2013

Prancercise at 11 am in the first floor recreation room.

by Anonymousreply 4410/19/2013

I personally would prefer a guard gated community for active Dataloungers 55 and older. But because there are no basements, three quarters of Dataloungers would not be interested.

Even with free Cheetos in the Clubhouse.

by Anonymousreply 4510/19/2013

Caftan dry cleaning service.

by Anonymousreply 4610/19/2013

Anal prolapse wing.

by Anonymousreply 4710/19/2013

Margarine fountain in the lobby.

by Anonymousreply 4810/19/2013

Datalounge WAS Shady Pines for about the last 24 hours, OP.

by Anonymousreply 4910/19/2013

"As my father said to me when he died in my arms, 'I don't understand any of it. I never did.' Turn the lights out when you leave."

by Anonymousreply 5010/19/2013

Will the nurses douche me before i offer myself to the hunky maintenance guy who hangs my tom of finland pix?

by Anonymousreply 5110/19/2013

As I get older I increasingly feel the same way as your father, R51. Glad you were with him at the end when the lights faded to zero. I expect that meant everything to him. x

by Anonymousreply 5210/19/2013

I'm hysterical R53

by Anonymousreply 5310/19/2013

R54, you're really *not*

by Anonymousreply 5410/19/2013

The more I think about it the more I want my retirement home to be like my college residence hall room.

Bed. desk, reading chair, mini-fridge, microwave. Cafeteria - with a take out option.

Gym membership, movie series for all tastes, access to great library, great wifi,

quite floors - kids who wanted enforced quiet times for studying could pick those rooms, no conflict with those of us who wanted to make noise.

Only thing I'd add would be a good wine selection in the convenience store.

by Anonymousreply 5510/19/2013

Earrings...caftans...and a nacreous layer of precum.

by Anonymousreply 5610/19/2013

Twinkish candy stripers subjected to frequent hissings.

The weekly ice cream social is constantly marred by insults between the manorexics and the fatties.

A scandal erupts over abuse accusations when it's discovered that several patients have delivered vicious face-slappings to staff and volunteers.

by Anonymousreply 5710/19/2013

All the glory holes will have safety handles.

Cancer patients who lose weight will be rock stars.

Perfume will come back in a big way - but it will be restricted to Giorgio and Poison. Some queen will sneak in Anais Anais and be whipped with canes.

by Anonymousreply 5810/19/2013

A fabulous margarine fountain in every room!

by Anonymousreply 5910/19/2013

A non-cocktail hour every day. For a breather.

Apparently R8 actually is shopping for a rest home.

by Anonymousreply 6010/19/2013

Hey love, spread your legs and smoke that joint, I want to see what you have down there to suck and lick, you will like it..

by Anonymousreply 6110/19/2013

OK, r59 gets two snorts of my cocktail out of my nose, and a snap.

by Anonymousreply 6210/19/2013

Bread pudding every day!!

by Anonymousreply 6310/19/2013

a cloth purse like one a child might have provided for one and all

by Anonymousreply 6410/19/2013

There would be one resident bitching about how there is no farm fresh butter and a building of residents rolling their eyes at him.

by Anonymousreply 6510/19/2013

The supply cabinets would be stocked with sets of what DLers are used to getting for comfort and protection: Nestle Crunch, enema bag, Dentu-Grip, and condoms, condoms, condoms.

by Anonymousreply 6610/19/2013

"Nurse! Nurse! I think my roommate is a gargoyle."

by Anonymousreply 6710/19/2013

"Mr. Withersby was strangled with his oxygen tube! They found a copy of "Funny Lady besides the body. The entire North wing cheered."

by Anonymousreply 6810/19/2013

Lonely, unsociable residents will each be given a Red Weirdo as a companion.

by Anonymousreply 6910/19/2013

WW, R20! LOL!

by Anonymousreply 7010/19/2013

There would be two or three residents making jokes about Cheryl's pussy. There would be hundreds of residents signing a petition to get those two or three residents kicked out.

by Anonymousreply 7110/19/2013

A special seminar: Avoiding Gayface in Your Golden Years(post 30). Judo lessons given by Constance Ford and Mrs. Alfred Steele.

by Anonymousreply 7210/19/2013

Batshit Bingo Buffet and Raffle ever Wednesday 5-7:30 PM sponsored by Publix Deli and Bakery and XTC Super Centers with Mama presiding as emcee.

by Anonymousreply 7310/19/2013

All the wymyn will have canes.

by Anonymousreply 7410/19/2013

Cak and graxy for dinner. Every fucking night. Now shut up and take your bitter pills. Oh, and read my blog. Or else it gets the hose again.

by Anonymousreply 7510/19/2013

Cheryl will be reserving an entire wing. Staff in adjacent wings will bake cookies three times daily.

by Anonymousreply 7610/19/2013

Reading through the above, we may have a bit of a problem with staff turnover...

by Anonymousreply 7710/19/2013

For a week every August, all the womyn would take a field trip to Michfest.

by Anonymousreply 7810/20/2013

Golden Girls screenings daily at 10 a.m., 11 a.m., noon, 1 p.m., 2 p.m., 3 p.m., 4 p.m. and 5 p.m.

After dinner at 7 p.m., 8 p.m. and 9 p.m. each night, residents would reenact episodes from memory.

Residents would vote on the best portrayals of the Dorothy, Blanche, Rose and Sophia. Winners get to split a cheesecake in the kitchen at 1 a.m.

by Anonymousreply 7910/20/2013

Attention residents:

Today's Henry Cavill discussion group includes a special guest. The best friend of a guy who is the cousin of the boyfriend of a man who watched Henry get his haircut in London will share his observations about Henry's nipple placement and how they conclusively prove Henry's homosexuality.

Tomorrow, the plumber of a man who is the ex of a sales clerk at Saks who is best friends with a man who was once roommates with a man who served drinks to Henry in a New York City restaurant where a waiter says gave Henry a blowjob in the coatcheck room will share his insider information.

Arrive early as seating is limited at these special sessions. Doors open at 7 a.m. Talk begins at 4:30 p.m.

And free your calendars for next Tuesday. The secretary of a man who lives next door to a man who once gave directions to Ted Casablanca will spill all she knows about Toothy Tile.

by Anonymousreply 8010/20/2013


by Anonymousreply 8110/20/2013

If Shady Pines becomes too successful, all the retirement age housefraus will want to move in.

by Anonymousreply 8210/20/2013

Without afternoon Bingo and chocolate pudding cups(:

by Anonymousreply 8310/20/2013

Shady Pines, Mama!

by Anonymousreply 8410/20/2013

I'm not moving in if Ginny is in Billing.

by Anonymousreply 8510/20/2013

My GF asks: why is Datalounge called Datalounge? Interesting question.

by Anonymousreply 8610/20/2013

A sign in the lobby says "Children's Visiting Hours:" followed by a blank spot where the text has been scratched out and covered with nail polish.

by Anonymousreply 8710/20/2013

Maybe Anderson and Ben can move to Shady Pines too.

by Anonymousreply 8810/20/2013

r88, you're GF sounds rather dour. You're a lesbian I'm guessing.

by Anonymousreply 8910/20/2013

Double-Dutch jump roping with our catheter tubes.

by Anonymousreply 9010/21/2013

One dementia patient -with strings of spit hanging from both sides of his mouth and a stain of shit running down his gown- will wander the halls.

He'll sneak into random rooms and yell, "Your a straight frau cunt and we don't want you here!"

Even the frailest queen on his deathbed will respond, "It's you're, not your."

by Anonymousreply 9110/21/2013

R93, and then she'll retort with, "Lady GaGa is STILL the Queen of Pop!"

by Anonymousreply 9210/21/2013

R89, good one!

by Anonymousreply 9310/21/2013

The Revenge of Men Presenting Their Holes ... at 90.

by Anonymousreply 9410/22/2013

The Viagra bills would be through the roof. So would the carpet and linen cleaning.

by Anonymousreply 9510/22/2013

r97 That could be the Shady Pines' marketing angle: Free Viagra with Every Meal.

by Anonymousreply 9610/23/2013

Cryogenic frozen heads

by Anonymousreply 9710/23/2013

Anal bleaching on the esplanade, next to the shuffleboard deck.

by Anonymousreply 9810/23/2013

"Surprise Anal" will be an unplanned enema.

by Anonymousreply 9910/23/2013

Plenty of fancy butter and farm fresh eggs.

by Anonymousreply 10010/23/2013
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