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Inappropriate farting

In your experience, where is the worst/best place it has occurred? For me it was the funeral of my great uncle (no I was not the culprit).

by Anonymousreply 4410/18/2013

On the 1984 MTV Video Music Awards I let one slip during my iconic performance of "Like A Virgin." It actually happened twice in the performance. The first one you can actually hear about a minute into the song. It was LOUD. The second was silent but deadly. I felt horribly for the next presenters who had to come up on stage. It was horrific, a combination of barbecue brisket, pinto beans, potato salad, boiled eggs and cabbage. I told poor Elton, Phil Collins and Don Henley to run for their lives.

by Anonymousreply 110/17/2013

A) Madonna would never eat barbecue brisket, pinto beans, potato salad, boiled eggs and cabbage

B) If she did cut an SBD, the last thing she'd do is tell anybody to run.

by Anonymousreply 210/17/2013

I had it happen on national television while I was stirring up some lobster salad--with a good quality mayonnaise--for some lobster rolls.

It was awful, one of those loud wet farts. A shart, in fact.

by Anonymousreply 310/17/2013

[quote] For me it was the funeral of my great uncle (no I was not the culprit).

I certainly hope your great uncle wasn't responsible!

by Anonymousreply 410/17/2013

As opposed to appropriate farting?

by Anonymousreply 510/17/2013

My partner and I were at Target a few nights ago. We had finished shopping and were headed back to the car. There was an older couple in front of us, maybe in their late 50s. No more than 10 feet in front of us, the man stopped (with his back toward us) and put his hands on his hips, bent forward and let loose with the loudest (boomiest is a better word for it) fart I have ever heard in my 47 years on this planet.

After he did it, he straightened up, said "Ahhhh!" and they kept on walking. I guess his wife was used to it, she didn't even bat an eye. A nearby lady and her kids were putting their purchases into their car and those kids thought it was the funniest thing ever. They cackled like chickens. The mom was half-laughing and trying to shush the kids. It was hysterical seeing how those kids reacted to it. The lady with the kids just looked as us, shot the older couple a look, shook her head and laughed.

by Anonymousreply 610/17/2013

I remember a great Aunt rising from the far end of the dinner table to go to the toilet, and letting one rip from one end of the table to the other and into the bathroom beyond. She was well over 80. We cut her some slack. But we smirked.

by Anonymousreply 710/17/2013

I told this story here years ago but it happened late at night in an elevator at Trump Towers when Cher and her entourage (2 men) stepped on. A sneaky snuck out and it stunk godawful bad. I was mortified and prayed they would think it was each other but their faces led me to believe they knew it was me. One of my few celebrity sightings and at lunch I had a sandwich with raw onions slices on it. Bad timing.

by Anonymousreply 810/17/2013

What do doctors do when they are performing surgeries that take several hours?

by Anonymousreply 910/17/2013

So funny R6 and R7, so funny.

by Anonymousreply 1010/17/2013

Courtesy of my partner (no, he was not the guilty farty)::

At the gym, some muscle mary was doing one of those "lie back on bench, raise and cross legs while doing flys" exercises. At the crucial moment of "flying", he let a wet one.

The bystanders applauded.

by Anonymousreply 1110/17/2013

When my partner pulled out to change position and I farted loudly.

by Anonymousreply 1210/17/2013

I was playing Trivial Pursuit with a couple of friends, the question was "what was the actor's name who played the captain of the Love Boat?". My friend said "I'll give you a hint, it starts with a Gavin" and with that he blasted this really loud fart that was quite beyond his control. For years we would all refer to farts as "Gavin's". "It smells like someone Gavin'd in here".

Just trying to type this has me laughing out loud.

by Anonymousreply 1310/17/2013

R8 LOL, so the divine Cher smelled one of your farts? LOL. Awesome!

by Anonymousreply 1410/17/2013

I've farted inappropriately too many times to count. I have a large, loud laugh and it takes control of everything.

by Anonymousreply 1510/17/2013

This one is really gross. Years ago, my best friend told me that he hooked up with this hot guy and they ended up at a motel and were going at it sixty-nining and my friend said he never ever felt it coming on, it just blasted out of his ass, right in the poor guy's face. He said he was so embarrassed, the smell was god-awful. The guy/victim just politely laughed it off.

I guess he wasn't too grossed out, they're still together after 18 years.

by Anonymousreply 1610/17/2013

This is my favorite thread on DL, juvenile humour is the best.

by Anonymousreply 1710/17/2013

Waxing. Lanai. Bora Bora.

Well, I've only got so much time to start owning these stories, don't I?

by Anonymousreply 1810/17/2013

R16, your friend asked the love fairy for a smart feller and got a fart smeller instead.

by Anonymousreply 1910/17/2013

A bf farted in my face when i was rimming him. Most inappropriate. And he had the gall to giggle. So I slapped his ass. It was after I had been fucking him so it was air I had pumped in him. I still remember the incident fondly.

by Anonymousreply 2010/17/2013

I was my cousin's best man at his wedding. During the rehearsal, during a really quiet point in the ceremony, his wife-to-be let one slip. That fucker was loud and lasted a good 10 seconds (an eternity for her, I'm sure). Luckily it was only the rehearsal with 10-15 people present and not the actual wedding.

You're probably picturing her looking like Honey Boo-Boo's mom or something, but no, she's really pretty and blonde, sweet and classy. She was a little embarrassed but played it off well and made jokes about it. She's a great addition to the family, farts and all.

by Anonymousreply 2110/17/2013

Last year the small company (40 people) I work for had a Thanksgiving luncheon. We all sat at our tables and one of the supervisors, a hoity-toity cunt on wheels that everyone hates, got up in front of the crowd to say a few words and lead the group in prayer. She said, "Everyone, please bow your heads." The room was dead silent and she let one rip. Her face turned beet red and she she tried to play it off and pretended like it didn't happen. Everyone was snickering and she was thoroughly humiliated.

Needless to say, she made a hasty exit after she finished her meal. We all laughed and joked about it for weeks. It couldn't have happened to a nicer person. LOL.

by Anonymousreply 2210/17/2013

r22's story had me howling.

by Anonymousreply 2310/17/2013

My sister was a first grade teacher. When sitting with a small group at the reading table, she would let out a silent but deadly one. Then she would sniff and say "Who did that"? The kids would all accuse each other then vehemently deny it. They never thought it might be their teacher.

My sister also liked to do that then turn to me with a shocked and disgusted look. She would then say "oh god, must you"? It was always in front of someone I didn't know well.

by Anonymousreply 2410/17/2013

Is inappropriate farting inappropriate in every culture?

by Anonymousreply 2510/17/2013

Holding farts in while on a date is SO HARD. Holding a fart in while engaged in a sex act, fully nude, is WAY HARDER. The most embarrassing for me was when I was lying on my back, legs in the air, while my super hot Italian muscle dude fuck buddy licked my balls. His live-in boyfriend was also on the bed with us. I accidentally farted in muscle dude's face, but he didn't seem to mind. I don't think any of us said anything--he just kept on lickin'.

Mortifying nonetheless.

I remember fucking another dude for what seemed like hours one night and him having to get up to "pee". Yeah, right. He was sitting on the toilet farting for like 3 minutes straight, letting out all that fucked-in air. The human body is really quite abhorrent.

by Anonymousreply 2610/17/2013

I believe that in China when you fart after a meal it means that you're complimenting the cook

by Anonymousreply 2710/17/2013

I was convinced I was allergic to Safeway grocery store when I was a kid. EVERY time I went with my mother I would fart SO LOUD in the entry way. I couldn't help it. it would echo, and of course i'd laugh and laugh. and then she would yell at me because I had embarrassed her. she used to make me wait till I farted first, then I could walk in, but I would never have to fart until I was actually inside of the building.


by Anonymousreply 2810/17/2013

I was on my first date with a guy I met in college in Texas. We were wildly attracted to each other and he asked me out. He took me to this little Mexican restaurant that had a reputation for being one of the best in the city.

I had an enchilada plate with refried beans, guacamole, and lots of cheese. Being from the North I had never eaten Mexican food. It tasted delicious but did not agree with my inner workings. While we were driving across town to see a movie, my tummy started rolling and making horrid noises. Fortunately, he had the radio on so he couldn't hear the symphony in my stomach.

I felt a severe and sincere urge to fart and was having hell holding it back. I was clenching my cheeks and trying to hold that puppy in. I just kept thinking, please God let us hurry up and get to the theater, I have to get out of this car! I was miserable.

At one point that thing just blasted out of my hole and was louder than God! I needed a bathroom... badly. Yes, it was a wet one. Wet like the great flood. Beyond a fart, beyond a shart. I fucking shit my pants. My date held back his laughter (I could tell he wanted to) and asked if I was okay. I just told him I needed a bathroom.

Our first date was a disaster, but he was great about it. Our second date was awesome. We were a couple for 10 years after that and we are still good friends. That was the most traumatic experience of my life. I have never touched Mexican food again.

by Anonymousreply 2910/17/2013

I can tell you from personal experience that this thread will be deleted within 24 hours and your DL membership will be cancelled w/o any explanation or refund.

by Anonymousreply 3010/17/2013

Who farted?

by Anonymousreply 3110/17/2013

There was the time I was being interviewed in front of a live audience. They had seated me on this awful leather chair that squeaked every time I shifted position, and the cushion was sprung...

by Anonymousreply 3210/17/2013

R6 Did the old man look like this:

by Anonymousreply 3310/17/2013

He who smelt it, dealt it.

by Anonymousreply 3410/17/2013

I'm unfamiliar with this "inappropriate" concept you speak of. In my experience, my farts are universally greeted by others with cheers, applause, and eager inhaling.

by Anonymousreply 3510/17/2013

r29, you had me crying with laughter. Great story.

You gotta break the farting ice early on or the relationship will never work.

by Anonymousreply 3610/17/2013

R3 So you're saying Ina sharted through her shent?

She should've used Duke's mayonnaise, I guess.

by Anonymousreply 3710/17/2013

Yes R37, she has-- more than once. Try going to YouTube and search for Barefoot Contessa farting.

by Anonymousreply 3810/17/2013

I love Jack Vale's farting prank videos. Most people laugh and walk away, but once in a while you'll get a real doozy who has to take it to Security so she can SUE him:

by Anonymousreply 3910/17/2013

OP, was it HER?

by Anonymousreply 4010/17/2013

When my nephew was about 4, my mom and I took him to the grocery store one day.

In the middle of shopping, my nephew let out a KILLER fart, I mean it nearly peeled the paint off the store walls! And L-O-U-D!! People nearby were peeking their heads around the corners of aisles, it was so loud.

My mom was aghast, while I just giggled. But then my brilliant and adorable nephew turned to my mom and loudly chastised her: "GRANDMA! How could you? Soooo gross!"

It was freakin' hilarious, my mom was mortified and me and nephew just kept giggling and blaming her.

by Anonymousreply 4110/18/2013

I've got a seriously fuck up spine and I was going thru huge pain flair up and my pain management doctor wanted to give me an injection into my spine to try to stop it.

I have a lot of metal in my spine, put in during 6 surgeries to repair and support my spine, and because of all the metal in my back he couldn't directly inject into the area. He had to insert a needle up thru my sacrum and coccyx (tailbone) in order to get to the L4-L5 & L5-S1 area.

The needle on that thing was f-ing huge, at least 12 inches. At lease he gave me several shots of lidocain to numb the surface area, he also washed my tail bone with that brown disinfectant that’s made for skin use, he told me he was about to stick me and then IT happened. The second he stuck the needle into my tailbone I started farting and didn't completely stop till until the procedure was done, about 5 minutes. Thank god they weren't smelly, or wet, kind but they were SO loud and smelled so bad. I have NEVER farted so loud or farted so long

I know they were medical professionals and not much gets to them, but I was mortified. My doctor was out of the room pretty much as soon as the procedure was done so I apologized again and asked the two nurses that were in the room if the farting was common. Figured with the needle going thru the bone of tail bone, the disc space of L5-S1 and L4-L5 that there might have been a nerve back there that got shot and my tailbone could control something. But of course they said no they had never heard of it happening.

A few minutes later when I was back in the recovery area I heard them tell the other nurses and laughing about it. I can't be too pissed, I know if it were me I'd probably tell my co-workers and laugh about it too.

by Anonymousreply 4210/18/2013

[quote]Thank god they weren't smelly, or wet, kind but they were SO loud and smelled so bad

Non-smelly smelly farts???

by Anonymousreply 4310/18/2013

Fart attack, you're givin' me a fart attack.

by Anonymousreply 4410/18/2013
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