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Family Drama... coming up

It involves siblings and a parent with Alzheimers (not $$ related). Details inside.

by Anonymousreply 8401/29/2014

My father has Alzheimers, and for the last 10 months I've been watching him 5 days a week. My dad lives with my sister in our family home, and she's been paying me to stay here during the day while she's working. When our father was first diagnosed, we all got together and said he needs a professional. My sister didn't want a stranger in the house and proposed this deal where I'd stay here. I told her it would be temporary. It was OK at first but Dad is becoming a handful. My father no longer will go to either of the two bathrooms in the house, so we put a commode chair near his bedroom. He uses it 95% of the time but, more and more, he's peeing on the floor and missing the commode. It's a daily surprise, finding bed sheets full of poop, finding poop in a cardboard box, stepping over a puddle of urine on the floor. (He's also belligerent and combative; a diaper is not an option. He'd fight you).

In early July, I told my sister I'm getting burned out and would be stopping this at the end of October. She said a friend of hers had a relative who was an ex-nurse who could take over. It's now mid-October and my sister hasn't done anything to turn over the reins. For the past 4 months, I've watched her fill her time with buying new sofas for the house, buying backyard furniture, buying a new HDTV and a mini MAC PC that she doesn't ever use. She was on vacation last week and didn't do anything but run to Home Depot for trivial stuff, etc.

Her plan is to drag her feet/play dumb and try to stretch this out, using guilt to have me stay longer. She'll play the "you owe it to him; you're not working" card even though I gave her 4 months notice to get a plan. Dad needs someone with real training - his hygiene is non-existent. He never bathes or brushes his teeth anymore and it's exhausting trying to reason with him. Sister has her head in the sand and she better pull it out.

rant over

by Anonymousreply 110/11/2013

Email her your post at r1.

End of thread.

by Anonymousreply 210/11/2013

You should start researching getting a home healthcare worker stat. Don't even bother with you sister as she obviously doesn't want to do anything. Just do everything on your own to get yourself out of this situation.

by Anonymousreply 310/11/2013

Another thing that really pisses me off is that my sister thinks that since she's paying me that she doesn't have to empty the commode. I routinely come back after the weekend to a full pail. It's like she's the lady of the manor and I'm the hired help. I told her that we're a team on this, but she'll just keep walking past the chair for days. I try to hold off, but then I break down and clean it cause I don't feel like our father should live like a pig cause she's a selfish shit hole. Plus the house is starting to reek.

I came back after her vacation last week to a full pail again. That really cemented my resolve to stop doing this.

by Anonymousreply 410/11/2013

Inform her that you'll make arrangements if she doesn't. Give her three days. If it's not done by then, do it yourself. You have a life, too, OP. It's obvious that you love your father, but this will kill you. Caring for someone with Alzheimer's is a full-time job. Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 510/11/2013

I forgot the part where my sister has power of attorney for all our fathers money, investments. She has all his papers, SS card, etc. We've asked repeatedly to get involved, to help with his bills, handle some of his affairs. But the control freak wants to hold all the strings. I would love to call someone, but ultimately, this person would be coming into her house. She would have to approve them, give them keys, give them rules. So my hands are tied on that.

The other part is that my sister has not kids; she's been an impulsive and she can't handle responsibility and priorities are skewed.

by Anonymousreply 610/11/2013

Op, just bail.

by Anonymousreply 710/11/2013

Sounds like you are hiding from something and marinating in anger to avoid taking responsibility for yourself. Why are you so dependent on your sister?

by Anonymousreply 810/11/2013

OP, as long as she's paying you, you ARE the hired help, so shut up and earn your pay while you're on duty. And am I correct in thinking she spends more time with him than you do? You say you're paid for being there "during the day", which implies that she gets him during all her non-working hours. Which probably makes her even more overwhelmed than you, since she's got a career on top of her home worries, and more fed up with the old bastard. Remember that you can find a replacement for yourself, but she can't.

Which means she probably isn't putting a lot of effort into changing the arrangements, I think you're correct there. So start presenting her with candidates, because yes, she will need to approve the new person. If you aren't willing to look for candidates and do preliminary interviews, the next time another relatives asks how they can help, tell them to get on it.

by Anonymousreply 910/12/2013

OP, I agree with R7. It's time to bail.

If nothing else will get her to find a professional caregiver and/or a facility for your father, you being gone and a full commode oughta do it.

No, he doesn't deserve to live in his own filth, but she won't let it come to that. Right now your sister is relying on you to keep her house clean. When you're gone (really gone, not stopping in to empty the pail and pick up the shit), she will move, and fast. Count on it.

Go find a paying job and tell her you're burned out on taking care of your dad.

I lived in a house where the guy in the apartment just below had Alzheimer's. I didn't know him or have to take care of him (did my caretaking time in another context), but I had to walk past the shit in the hallway most days to get to my apartment. I also worked with mentally disabled adults AFTER mainstreaming (meaning the only ones still living in residential facilities were severely disabled in one way or many), and the amount of shit I put up with, literally, is why I had to quit.

Good luck. Unlike R9, I don't think you're whining. It's a miserably difficult job even when you aren't taking care of a loved one; when you combine the job with the stress of watching him deteriorate, anyone would get burned out.

Go. Take care of yourself for a while. Get a real paying job where you're not tied to your sister, who sounds worse than Alzheimer's.

by Anonymousreply 1010/12/2013

Who looks after your dad evenings/weekends?

Yeah, thought so.

by Anonymousreply 1110/12/2013

OP, it sounds to me like your father has long gone past the point where he can be cared for at home. I work with the elderly and we often see these people who are kept at home for far too long by families. If your father can't even manage basic hygiene then he sounds like he needs to be in a nursing home.

There are dementia specific wards that are more suited to handling someone with severe dementia. He sounds like he needs a secure environment with a team of people around to make sure he is safe.

I can't see you being able to keep a hired hand for any length of time if he really is that belligerent and difficult to deal with. Remember anyone you can pay, however kind and professional they may be, will only be able to take so much before they decide that the pay isn't worth it.

This may not be what you want to hear but a nursing home might be better for all concerned.

by Anonymousreply 1210/12/2013

R12 is correct. Dad needs to be in a nursing home. They will also give him meds to calm the aggression and hygiene issues.

IMO, greedy sister is trying to keep him home so she won't have to hand over all Dad's assets to a long term care facility. She wants that house and to keep all his money. That's why she won't let anyone else see the financials.

by Anonymousreply 1310/12/2013

R12 and R13 are dead on.

by Anonymousreply 1410/12/2013

Why didn't you answer the question at R11, OP?

by Anonymousreply 1510/12/2013


by Anonymousreply 1610/12/2013

Sister has POA and all the financials? You're screwed OP, no matter what you do. Get your Dad into a nursing home, pronto, it's the best thing for him, and that's the whole point of this exercise, isn't it?

by Anonymousreply 1710/12/2013

OP here. My work week is Wednesday through Sunday. My sister is off Mon & Tuesday; on those days. I come in around 10AM and fix Dad 3 meals a day, washing the dishes, etc. I usually get home around 7:30PM. So Sis only has to roll in from work, walk her dog and disappear to her floor of the house.

The two days Sis is home, she has misc. running around to do and then she'll get our other sister to come over and watch Dad fora few hours. The thing that makes us angry is the trivial things Sis#1 does on her days off. We've tried for years to advise her, but it's like she can't focus on "real things". She can make sure to get her dog groomed but she hasn't found time to get Dad's 2010 taxes taken care of. She gets pissy and nasty when we try to talk sense to her; she is never wrong. This is a grown woman 50+ years old.

by Anonymousreply 1810/12/2013

The proposal was for me to come here, stay with Dad and give him breakfast and lunch. Also, to make sure he didn't get locked out (Back story: Sister got a call at work from a neighbor that Dad was in the front yard. He'd let the door lock behind him. When she got home, Dad said "I have my keys". She watched him pull a quarter out of his pocket and attempt to unlock the door with that).

Then came the "can you walk the dog, I didn't get a chance before I left for work". "Can you make dinner; I have to stop at Costco for toilet paper". I now make dinner 3-4 days a week. R9, I'm not hired help, I'm family and we're supposed to be sharing this responsibility. Oh, I get paid $300 a week for this. I have no idea what a home attendant gets but I give them credit for taking these kinds of jobs.

by Anonymousreply 1910/12/2013

If she has POA. Just give her notice again, then stop when you said you would. Either a.) She'll kick into gear and get someone for him, while taking a few days off work to care for him. or b.) She wont, then you'll have grounds to have her replaced because she obviously wouldn't be taking care of his needs.

by Anonymousreply 2010/12/2013

OP you need an estate attorney or someone to represent your interests here. Or you need to call Adult Protective Services because your father is not being well taken care of at home and there are facilities better suited to him. I hope this is a made up story though I think it isn't. It is simply THE WORST watching our parents get old and sick and not being able to do much to help, and alzheimer's is horrific.

by Anonymousreply 2110/12/2013

Smother the old man in his sleep, pin it on your bitch sister.

Problem solved.

by Anonymousreply 2210/12/2013

Dammit! You buy Depends...why do people wait so long before they buy Depends? The very first time he had an accident, you should have put him id Depends.

by Anonymousreply 2310/12/2013

Another thing, why is his sister the only one paying you to watch him? Your brothers and sisters should be paying.

by Anonymousreply 2410/12/2013

OP sounds like a complete asshole, as if his/her sister is the only one who needs this responsibility? I say fuck you to hell and back, op.

by Anonymousreply 2510/12/2013

She's financially abusing him, pure and simple. Happens way too often. She's also neglecting him when you're not around.

Turn her in.

by Anonymousreply 2610/12/2013

Unless you guys are wealthy and can afford full time caregivers, you need to put him in a nursing home.

Yes, death would be better for him and all involved but that won't happen. If it did happen, the police would probably not investigate and the doctor would probably simply sign the death certificate.

At some point the world is going to have to handle the Alzheimer's problem.

by Anonymousreply 2810/12/2013

I just pooped on your computer machine.

Where is the jamaican lady that gives me my pills?

by Anonymousreply 2910/12/2013

OP, aren't you just a tiny bit afraid that he might attack and kill you? It happens. He sounds dangerous.

Do you get paid a living wage? You never mentioned how much she pays you. Is it decent?

by Anonymousreply 3010/12/2013

As R29 mentioned, my brother (the OP on this thread) encountered some technical difficulties this morning.

I just dropped off his computer at Future Shop, so his posts probably won't resume for a few days.

I'm hoping the cost of this repair won't exceed the bi-weekly amount I am paying to lease his 2013 Acura RDX.

by Anonymousreply 3110/12/2013

OP, have you got a copy of the trust/will? This sister is going to eff you over as sure as the sun is going to set tonight.

R5 is on point. You and sister no 2 should give sis no 1 a deadline then bring in help. If sis 1 won't go for it call social services.

by Anonymousreply 3210/12/2013

No matter who's right or wrong here (I think OP is getting hosed by the sister) the old man's condition now requires him to be in a nursing home. His quality of life, based on what is being described, is worse at home than in a long term care facility. The family always waits too long for long term care.

by Anonymousreply 3310/12/2013

OP if you're in a complicated situation vis a vis powers of attorney etc., contact the local Alzheimer's Association. They will have expertise to guide you.

by Anonymousreply 3410/12/2013

OP, ignore the fuckwads on this thread. There are a lot of people on DL now who seem to exist purely to shit on (not in the sense your dad does it) people who post anything even slightly personal. They are morons who can't read, anyway. You've more than answered their nosy, judgmental, cunty "questions" (attacks with question marks) already.

I know from my own caregiving and job experience that your life is far from easy and probably doesn't involve much down-time when you're with your father. Your sister is definitely abusing her financial control of him, and most likely resisting finding a nursing home or graduated-care facility (those are best, if he has money, although he's already at the far end of the scale in terms of the amount of care he needs, obviously) so that his money isn't eaten up and can be inherited.

However, a person's money, if there is any, should go first to the care of that person until they die, and only after that to inheritance. Your father is beyond home-care, even if she doesn't want to admit it.

In any case, as I said earlier, you can only decide this for yourself, and it sounds like you don't want to or have the energy to do this work any longer. So go, and let your sister figure it out if she won't allow you and your other sister to help pick a place. As someone upthread pointed out, if your father is hostile and aggressive and/or uncooperative (mine was, too), no home-care worker will be able to handle the job.

Again, good luck. If you're a longtime DLer, you already know to ignore the assholes, but if you're new (this would be a strange choice of an initial post, though), they come with the territory. More of them lately, but just something to skip over, like soap opera threads.

by Anonymousreply 3510/13/2013

Thanks for the kind words, R35.

by Anonymousreply 3610/13/2013

Again, who is looking after Dad on nights and during weekends? Is it the sister who has control of the money?

If so, she isn't getting any sleep and is even more overwhelmed than you, and that's why she's just focused on getting through the day and can't make any decisions. I agree that Dad needs institutional care, but POA Sister isn't going to do any research. Again, get someone else in the family to start researching the issue, and including costs and locations.

by Anonymousreply 3710/13/2013

By the way op, if your father served in any war, boots on the ground offers him a lot more benefits then an average veteran. They will give him some in home nursing care, housekeeping and medical equipment that he will need if you keep him home. They will even supply diapers...a shower person, a person who could clean up his poopy bed in the morning. Look, it's not going to get better, it only gets worse.

by Anonymousreply 3810/13/2013

Can't you just drive him to some bad neighborhood or something and just leave him there and just tell your sister that he disappeared?

by Anonymousreply 3910/13/2013

I've seen something like this before with one sibling holding the all money and other one stuck with the piss pail. Unfortunately, I don't really foresee this situation being rectified soon. You may have to just leave and hope your father will eventually get the care he needs.

by Anonymousreply 4010/15/2013

OP here w/update: Sister #2 is stepping in when I bail at the end of Oct. She gave Sis #1 a deadline of Thanksgiving to get her stuff together. I told her she is just enabling Sis #1, but she says that deadline is firm. Sis #2 also says she's going to start interviewing home care people, so Sis #1 will see it's not a joke anymore.

We're also having a family meeting to go over everything. Sis #1 was told, in a nice way, that it's not good for her to have such a burden and that we need to all have POA/access to info, just in case something happens to her. I can see it now... she'll agree with everything and will stall and stall on actually doing it. That's her usual M.O.

by Anonymousreply 4110/15/2013

Unfortunately, OP, Alzheimers patients can live for more time than you can imagine. My grandmother suffered with it for over 20 years - 16 of them in a nursing home.

If your Dad is in good physical health he can live into his 90's easily. Your family will need to face the inevitable and put him in a facility that can deal with him humanely.

Other posters are right - call the Alzheimers Association and have them help you chart a path to have him moved to a proper facility.

by Anonymousreply 4210/15/2013

OP, are you the woman who found something like $12K in cash lying around your father's house a few months ago? I forget what happened. Did you keep it? I hope you kept it.

Your sister sounds terrible. I agree with those who have suggested you call Adult Protective Services if your sister refuses to get him into a care facility that can handle his needs. Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 4310/15/2013

Yes, R43, that's me. You are good.

About the $$... I'll leave that a mystery. I remember the comments from that previous post.

by Anonymousreply 4410/15/2013

Just to give you an idea how trifling Sister #1 is, when she came to me with this plan, she quoted the weekly amount of $400. I was fine with that. It was OK for a few months. Then one night, she comes home from work and I say can you pay me for this week before I leave. (she was giving cash back then; now it's checks). She goes all mental and says "didn't I just pay you?". I was taken aback cause this came out of left field. I calmly say, no you didn't just pay me - you paid me was a week ago. Instead of saying oh, sorry, she barks out "well, how much do you want!" Again, I'm taken aback, cause we had agreed on $400 and now she's acting like I'm trying to con her/get paid double. I babble out "well, just give me $300".

After that, she never gave me $400 again. She took it upon herself to change my pay to $300 per week, and stupid me didn't speak up for myself. I was too tired to fight - Sis #1 gets petty and nasty and it's not worth it.

And you must know, this money doesn't come out of her pocket. She is using Dad's pension/SSI to pay me. Sis #2 says she is goddamn getting $400 from that viper.

by Anonymousreply 4510/15/2013

Is your father even competent to extend POA to all siblings? You can't just arrange it yourselves. I'd guess you're going to have to go to court to have him declared incompetent and all appointed joint conservators or something.

This just got ugly and expensive unless you can get Sister #1 to agree without a fight.

If money matters you're probably way better of with him in a home than with homecare. It's very expensive if you actually want somebody properly trained and supervised. You can just get a $7/hr anybody, but that's recipe for disaster.

by Anonymousreply 4610/15/2013

Hopefully something will happen to have him hospitalized,and you can have him go to a nursing home after that. That's what I did after caring for my mother for more than two years. Have eight siblings and none really cared. Could have done it before,but could not bring myself to do so. Little money involved which was probably a saving grace.

by Anonymousreply 4710/15/2013

A cheap homecare worker also has the potential to steal anything that isn't bolted down to your sister's house. Make sure whoever comes in is bonded and insured or comes from an above-board agency that is.

by Anonymousreply 4810/15/2013

r47 - this is exactly how my grandmother ended up being taken to a nursing home and it truly was a blessing. She fell down the basement stairs and just never went home again.

My poor grandfather was struggling for years before the accident. My grandmother would put dishes away dirty, leave the stove on, accuse family members of stealing and hide all of her posessions, and her basement had about 1000 rolls of tin foil and bags of sugar because she would buy the same thing each week at the grocery store. It was awful for him.

by Anonymousreply 4910/15/2013

This thread sounds so familiar. It finally ended with my father dying and the four siblings not talking to each other. That 6 years of our father's dementia did finish us off.

by Anonymousreply 5010/15/2013

R38 is this true? My mom was a WAC in WW2. I googled them and am still searching for what you referred to. I am trying to find help for a woman veteran who is 90 years old.

by Anonymousreply 5110/17/2013

Question from OP: My father has a safe in the house. We opened it once and saw there was a bunch of cash and some old jewelry in it. My sister closed it up and said that in the near future we would all get together and go through it. A few weeks later, my niece was over the house and my sister told her that that was her money in the safe.

My father charged her rent back when he was still competent. Her rationale is that all the money in the safe was put there by my father whenever she paid him the rent, and now it goes back to her. She never told me and my sister this reasoning.

I know where she keeps the key for the safe and I'm so pissed at her that I'm thinking about emptying the safe and telling her we need to split that money between all five siblings. What say you?

ALSO: This trifling bitch.... my father got out of the house two nights ago about 9PM on her watch. My sister didn't inform us or the police until 9AM the next morning because "I thought he'd be back soon. He'd never stayed away more than 2 hours before". Fortunately, he turned up at a hospital about 3 miles away. Now the house is on lockdown. The most maddening thing is this fool walks around like it's no big deal, and doesn't understand why we're upset at her. I asked her what the next step is on getting our father REAL help and she just gave me a blank look. The big family meeting is in 3 days....

by Anonymousreply 5210/31/2013

OP, please call Adult Services. This is such a horrible situation. My dad had Alzheimer's and my mom struggled for years trying to care for him on her own (she lived 3000 miles away). Finally we met as a family and put him in a nursing home. That was the best thing for everybody. He was clean and my mother stopped getting upset with him over something he couldn't control.

The idea of your poor old man defecating on himself and not getting his hygiene taken care of is awful. I doubt your dad would want the life your having dealing with this.

Your sister is in serious denial (at best) or financially abusing your father for her own gain. Whichever it is, think of YOUR FATHER. Call Adult Protective Services. Push that bitch into action b/c her ass ain't going to do it given that she's got siblings who are complete suckers and won't stand up for their own father.

by Anonymousreply 5310/31/2013

It is called elder abuse if the elderly are not getting proper care

and those quilty of it are in for some real trouble from the authorities.

by Anonymousreply 5410/31/2013

Time for an update:

In October, my sister and I had a meeting with homeowner sister (HS) about various issues (Dad's money, how she talks down to us) where she got defensive and nasty. It ended with her telling us "fuck you and get out". We both gave it back to her and we left. The next day she apologized, saying she's under a lot of stress and 'that's just the way she talks - we shouldn't get upset about it'. Like we all aren't but she'll use that excuse rather than says that she just not socially appropriate.

My father basically lives on the 2nd floor all the time and for months we've been talking about cleaning out all the clutter he built up for years (all junk: multiple printers, tube TV, old clothes, desks, video tapes, etc). I finally got tired of HS not TCB, so I told her I'd make this my project. So, finally, someone is coming next week.

I also bought up that we all need to get our names on the POA papers. She got irate and said it can't be done. I said the forms can be resubmitted with multiple names. She seems really bothered that this is a possibility.

Lastly, I mentioned that the room where the commode is is a disaster. HS is now going for days without cleaning it. There is a pool of brown and yellow on the vinyl tile floor, with the commode pail on the floor instead of in the frame. It was apparent that she left this uncleaned over her 2 days off. I became incensed that Dad is living in squalor - told her it was disgraceful. She will come in from work, walk her dog, and clean the new renovated kitchen to spotlessness, but our father has been wading though his own waste for about a week. She blew up saying "I'm doing the best I can". I told her take 5 minutes away from cleaning up the kitchen and use it to mop up the nasty floor. She throws it back that if I don't like it, I should clean it myself. She also barked out that when I was working in the house for her, all I was doing was cooking 2 meals for Dad, so I could be cleaning between meals.

It's not my house, and I cleaned Dad's commode for 6 months straight while I was "working" for her. I got fed up after realizing that she was leaving the commode for me, even when she was on vacation I'd come back to a nasty mess.

I also bought up that we all need to get our names on the POA papers. She got irate and said it can't be done. I said the forms can be resubmitted with multiple names. She seems really bothered that this is a possibility.

by Anonymousreply 5501/11/2014

Another fun fact: Thanksgiving Day my sister had to work, but we came over her house to cook. My teenage niece invited 5-6 of her work friends to have dinner here. I came over early to watch Dad and start the turkey and realized there was a stink coming from the 2nd floor. I went up and saw that HS hadn't even cleaned the commode knowing that guests were coming over and the smell was wafting downstairs. It was full - those pails hold about 2 gallons!

I was embarrassed for my niece to be in this situation. I closed the door tight and lit some incense. But I refused to clean it on principal - I half suspected that HS did this hoping I'd break down and clean it as I would be viewed as elder of the house to "save face". No way, baby. I won't clean that ever again.

You'd think this grown woman would have some shame to come into a houseful of people knowing it smelled like a sewer when she left. No, she breezed in with a smile.

The ironic thing is I was looking online for cleaning services that deal with biohazard waste cause it's getting to the point where it's not funny anymore.

I should go take a picture of the room and post it, if I could figure out how.

by Anonymousreply 5601/11/2014

R56/ OP

Your father deserves better than this - his grown children using his filth (and health and safety) in their petty power "it's not my job" games.

Why do you continue to see your sister socially after the things you have told us? If you want to see your father and make sure he's OK, use energy, time and attention to alert elder care services and research facilities.

Set boundaries and stop letting people pull your emotional levers. Stop getting sucked in.

If you're telling the truth, there is some major codependent fuckery going on in your family. Seek real help for yourself (Al Anon or some such) and help for your father. If you can't do that then you're no better than your sister.

by Anonymousreply 5701/11/2014

Also OP, I realize your dad has Alzheimer's but why is he able to use the pail but not a toilet?

by Anonymousreply 5801/11/2014

For R58: Dad's bedroom is on the 2nd floor, where there is no bathroom. As the disease progressed he stopped going to either of the bathrooms on 1st/3rd floors. We started finding that he was peeing in corners, garbage cans overnight on the 2nd fl. To solve this we put a commode chair in a little back room off his bedroom.

As his condition deteriorates, he's using the commode less and less, hence the mess.

by Anonymousreply 5901/11/2014

OP, so what's happened with you taking a stand and not "working for" your bitch sister any more?

Who is with your father day to day?

You really do need to step up and call Adult Protective Services, your father's life is in jeopardy.

Or can you just pack him up in a vehicle and drive him to his new facility, without HS' permission/assistance?

by Anonymousreply 6001/11/2014

So you and your adult siblings see fit to let your elderly father, who has Alzheimer's, live on the second floor of his house where there is no bathroom. There, he lives in filth.

Instead of moving him to another floor or house or apartment, the solution is to give your father a pail, passive aggressively argue about whose turn it is to clean it, and post about it here?

You're trolling us or you have no ability to solve basic problems.

If you want to fix this situation, stop trolling for sympathy and notify all applicable authorities that your dad has been living in filth, and has dementia. Using a boat bucket in a home in this situation is a health code violation.

This alone should propel someone who isn't you to act.

by Anonymousreply 6101/11/2014

There's always a handy pillow.

by Anonymousreply 6201/11/2014

Have I commented on this? One second...

by Anonymousreply 6301/11/2014

Again, your sister is working full-time, and is responsible for your demented father during all her time off. Yes, she's fucking overwhelmed, too overwhelmed to do more or to make plans for better care. And all you're giving her is criticism and attacks, of course you're not getting through to what's left of her brain.

Your father needs better care, and all you're focusing on is how much you hate your sister!

Someone in the family (other than you) needs to find a home caregiver for dad, or find a facility that can care for him on your budget. And someone other than you should present the findings to the caregiver sister, but not you, OP. Obviously she won't listen to you, and I can see why.

by Anonymousreply 6401/11/2014

I agree with R57. There is a tidal wave of co-dependency flowing throughout OP's posts. The burden is on OP to set proper boundaries and stick to them.

OP, don't JADE (Justify, Argue, Defend or Explain) with your sister. Her behavior will never change, no matter what she says or promises. All you can do is control the things you can control.

If it were me, I would cease socializing (or any other form of interaction) with the sister and instead use my time and effort to alert social services to the elder abuse going on in the home. If I were OP, I would also spend my time focusing on my own needs, such as getting a job outside of the home to help support myself (and to help me become more independent from my dysfunctional family).

Good luck, OP. If you want things to change, the burden is on you. Stop wasting time arguing with your sister.

P.S. Are you aware that your sister has a fiduciary obligation to use your father's money for his care and benefit. If she is spending his money on TVs and furniture that do not benefit him directly, she is arguably violating her fiduciary duty as PoA.

Moreover, if she is refusing to disclose how she is spending your father's money, it is likely that she knows she is misspending the money and that you and your sister will call her on it. For this reason, she will likely to anything in her power to hide her expenditures from you (no matter what she might say).

Based on your posts, I suggest consulting with an attorney to get your sister removed as PoA. If no one can agree on who should serve as PoA, ask the court to appoint an independent conservator.

P.P.S. Your sister's argument that she is entitled to the money in the safe because she believes it contains the rent money she paid your father makes absolutely no sense. I bet as time goes on, she will develop numerous similarly-nonsensical arguments in support of her being entitled to all of your dad's money as well as his home. Complete and total B.S.

by Anonymousreply 6501/11/2014

Nope, I haven't. I cleaned shit for my dad for eight years. My brothers had their own issues. I didn't even think to pay myself a wage.


OP, your family has died and the shit fights are just last gasp attempts to resurrect it. It's dead.

Also, the money is gone. You might see assets, but they're temporary. All three siblings should acknowledge that fact so there's no confusion. There will be bitching. Nobody cares. Everyone who has been through this will nod their heads. Alzheimer's disease is expensive.

Report elder abuse anonymously to DCFS and NEVER admit to a soul you did it. Ever. Even online. Never confess; just do it. Your dad's care can't be divided by shares of responsibility; he needs to be clean, fed, clothed, and kept safe regardless of who is on duty. Stop fucking around and report his situation.

This will ensure that a neutral party is checking on your father. It will also trigger social worker input - who will give your sister the help she needs to manage your dad's care.

Hopefully, he'll be placed in a nursing facility and leave your sister to worry about the money. This will allow her to tackle the money aspects. All property issues will require updated 1040s to advance. This includes Medicare, Medicaid, Reverse Mortgages, and lawsuits.

Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 6601/11/2014

So, I've read every post in this entire thread and I've come to the conclusion that most posters haven't a clue of what is in the best interest of the patient.

1 It's his house. He should be moved to a floor of the house that is best suited to his needs, not what is best for POA sis's needs.

2 There are elder daycare facilities (Medical or otherwise) that will transport the patient to and fro. This will allow the patient to socialize with others during the day and probably help to improve his irritability as well. He's probably bored out of his mind sitting in that house all day. And yes, dementia patients do have the ability to be as bored as the next person. This will also eliminate the bitchfest that has become this family's main mode of communication. Have any of you had a conversation in the past year that did not include the words "commode or payment?"

3 Those of you who are so quick to relegate this man to a nursing home, not so fast. You keep saying this is in the best interest of the patient. No, it's not. This is what's easiest for the family. No one thrives in a nursing home. No one. It's his house. It's his money. He should be able to stay in his own house and have proper care. And stop with the BS about him being too dangerous to stay in his own home. Did you know that all of the infighting is affecting your father's behavior. He's acting out. He will mimic any behavior presented to him. STOP FIGHTING! He's not the cause, he's the result.

I will agree that personalities do change with the onset of dementia but there are meds. that will not zombify the patient instead they will return much of your father's pre-dementia temperment/personality.

As for typical dementia-associated issues, he probably needs a good thorough physical. Any doctor worth his/her salt will know exactly what to prescribe for anxiety and other related issues associated with dementia.

4 As R65 mentioned, POA sis has to be transparent with the finances. I would not take this to court, however. As soon as you take this outside of the family all money and all control over your father's well being is gone. You need to put aside your petty bullshit and think about what's important here: Your father.

Also, it would appear that the OP has taken $12,000.00 found in the house? Your father's money?

Lastly, just a question to all of these posters who would so easily toss their pesky, dementia-ridden parents into nursing homes: Where would you be today if your parents couldn't be bothered to take care of you when you were helpless and vulnerable?

by Anonymousreply 6701/11/2014

OP, your sister is a bitch but she's right about one thing: there's no way to get you and the other sis on your Dad's POA papers. He would have to be competent in order to sign, which he clearly is not.

Your Dad really needs to be in a nursing home.

by Anonymousreply 6801/11/2014

[quote]3 Those of you who are so quick to relegate this man to a nursing home, not so fast. You keep saying this is in the best interest of the patient. No, it's not. This is what's easiest for the family. No one thrives in a nursing home. No one. It's his house. It's his money. He should be able to stay in his own house and have proper care.

R67, "aging in place" is great for someone who doesn't need 24/7 supervision and has control of his body functions. That magical situation still requires a primary health giver there to provide decisions at all times.

by Anonymousreply 6901/11/2014

Yes, R69, I agree. Although it is not a "magical" situation. It is quite doable. My point is that with proper care, dementia patients can safely remain in their respective homes.

The POA sis is (was) paying the OP 400.00 (then 300.00) a week to watch their dad during the day. An elder daycare facility (out of pocket) would cost that much or possibly less depending if medical or regular. A live-in depending on the agency can be expensive but you have the peace of mind that someone is with them in the house at all times. That doesn't seem to be an issue since the POA lives with her dad.

As I mentioned in my original post, the family needs to get its shit together and make their dad the priority. If the POA sister truly had her dad's best interest at heart, she would be putting his care first, she should also be making decisions that would decidedly improve his quality of life and eventually freeing up some down time (for her) to get away from the emotional, psychological and physical stress. It takes its toll. Plus, the other siblings should make it about helping their dad, not about control issues with the sister.

Lastly, I speak from experience. Both of my parents remained in their home. I was POA and took care of EVERYTHING associated with my parents welfare, be it hiring of live-in caregivers, financial, medical, etc. The last three and a half years of my mother's life, I cared for her. She had advanced dementia and was disabled from a fall. And, yes, I changed her diapers after she was unable to use the commode.

She felt safe with me and she was happy. If she had been in a nursing home she would have been put on anti-psychotic drugs, anti-depressants, sedatives and other harmful garbage meds. just to keep her quiet and not cause trouble. I'll say it again - There is NO quality of life in a nursing home. It's just a warehouse for the unwanted.

by Anonymousreply 7001/11/2014

Adult daycare is probably a good thing to look into, but they will most likely require that he at least be using diapers. You all need to start working on that situation first--no excuses! Btw, how do you even get him to a doctor's appointment (or anything else outside the home) if he won't wear one?

by Anonymousreply 7101/11/2014

[quote]The burden is on OP to set proper boundaries and stick to them.

Then what this thread needs is some good solid lesbian advice.

by Anonymousreply 7201/11/2014

R70, same here. You are different than the people we're discussing. You're an adult. You've graduated. Congrats.

These miserable children fail to care for the father. They haven't even managed to make his own home single-floor living for him. That's willfully ignorant. They're using him as a pawn to settle old scores. He's no longer human to them - just a burden.

He has the resources to receive good care around the clock. He's not going to get that from his family. Any service stepping into that house is going to have a double burden of dealing with the siblings as well as caring for the father. This family needs arbitration, nursing care, group therapy, food, and maid service. There aren't enough people or hours in the day for this mess.

Some people aren't capable of taking care of elderly parents just like some people aren't capable of raising children.

They will have to acknowledge they don't possess the will to properly care for their father and they'll have to use his money to get that care.

by Anonymousreply 7301/11/2014

[quote]Lastly, just a question to all of these posters who would so easily toss their pesky, dementia-ridden parents into nursing homes: Where would you be today if your parents couldn't be bothered to take care of you when you were helpless and vulnerable?

I don't know if you can hear me way up on that high horse R67, but you must have been in some pretty unique circumstances to pull it off. I've been there too and had no hope of doing it your way. But we found her the best nursing home we could and I was there no less than five nights a week, minimum.

by Anonymousreply 7401/11/2014

R73, I agree.

R74, No high horse. My main mode of transportation was a handicapped van purchased for my mother.

I did notice that you mentioned "we". I had no help from my siblings. It was me, myself and I. And yeah, I pulled it off.

by Anonymousreply 7501/11/2014

But surely your pride, boasting and martyr complex count for some support, R75.

Or do not enough people notice in real life, either? Because I agree, there's no point doing something selfless if you can beat everybody else over the head with what a fine example you are.

by Anonymousreply 7601/11/2014

R76,You make me sound so complex!

It's an anonymous board. Am I being noticed?

by Anonymousreply 7701/11/2014

Twenty paragraphs... how could you be missed?

by Anonymousreply 7801/11/2014

Your sister is completely taking advantage of you, and letting her own father live with a full commode just because she doesn't want to change it on your days off is despicable. I'm sorry, I know she's your sister, but this is heading into straight-up elder abuse. If she won't allow a stranger in her home then it's time for him to live in a facility elsewhere. He can't get by with just part time unskilled help (no offense meant, just that you aren't a professional) and frankly, $300 a week is a bargain at half the price for the kind of work you're doing. She's using you for the money.

by Anonymousreply 7901/11/2014

R76, it's a level of maturity that allows some pride, boastfulness, and a fucking martyr complex.

You've cleaned up shit in every restroom in the tri-state area. You've trained yourself to help out with goofy problems at 3am, 6am, and 11am besides taking care of business. You've learned to reason with, lie to, and comfort someone in mental distress.

There's no reward at the end; you've captained a sinking ship. Your love has gone and everyone assumes it's pure relief.

He might have been an asshole, but he was your asshole.

by Anonymousreply 8001/11/2014

R78, I'm not going to engage you any further. I posted in this thread because I felt, from my own experience, I had something to offer this family.

My initial post was advice (ooh, I said advice) with no personal details. My later posts were replies to other posters that included personal info as in relation to questions posed.

I noticed that you have posted four times in this thread - once to mock lesbians and three more posts taking shots at me. You have added absolutely nothing to the conversation.

Lastly, you actually counted the amount of paragraphs? If it is actually 20 paragraphs (assuming you are able to count that high) Let me bring you up to count = 24 paragraphs! Woo Hoo!

by Anonymousreply 8101/11/2014

"Report elder abuse anonymously to DCFS and NEVER admit to a soul you did it. Ever. Even online. Never confess; just do it. "

This. 1000x this.

by Anonymousreply 8201/11/2014

Question: If somebody calls you out of the clear blue and and says they can't find a check that they had put in a specific place, and they ask you if you saw/moved it, would you think they're basically accusing you of stealing?

Homeowner Sister (HS) called me and our other (OS) sister saying she put a check away and now it's gone. Me and OS had both been in her house in the past weeks taking care of Dad, and neither of us had been on HS's floor of the house. Of course, HS called back to say she'd found the check. I felt that she should have apologized for even thinking we'd take a check that belonged to her and not said anything. HS went ballistic, saying that we were crazy for turning her question into an accusation.

How would DL feel?

by Anonymousreply 8301/29/2014

Still making it all about you, R83. Different IP same shitty (no pun intended) posts.

Aren't you the one who "found" $12,000.00 in your father's house and proceeded to keep the money?

I feel sorry for your father. You and your sisters sound like a bunch of ungrateful, self involved brats. How the fuck old are you idiots?

Good thing your sister found the check, for a while there I thought your poor father was forced to wipe his ass with it, you know, considering you and your sisters are so on top of his care and all.

by Anonymousreply 8401/29/2014
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