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How would the Wizard of Oz be different if "Dorothy" was "Dorothy Zbornak"?


by Anonymousreply 15010/16/2013

She would have kicked the wicked witches ass.

by Anonymousreply 109/30/2013

She would've been too tired to walk all the way to the Emerald City.

by Anonymousreply 209/30/2013

here we go. 30 funny posts. then about 500 tired quips about Bea Arthur being a man.

by Anonymousreply 309/30/2013

The Munchkins all would've looked like Dr. Jonathan Newman.

by Anonymousreply 409/30/2013

Toto would've been played by Dreyfus.

by Anonymousreply 509/30/2013

The Wicked Witch of the West would have been trying to get back her sister's ruby-encrusted suede boots.

by Anonymousreply 609/30/2013

Every person would be a Munchkin next to her.

by Anonymousreply 709/30/2013

The chickens at Auntie Em's and Uncle Henry's farm would all be able to play the piano.

by Anonymousreply 809/30/2013

Frieda Claxton would try to take Toto away from Dorothy.

by Anonymousreply 909/30/2013

Auntie Em: Sophia

Uncle Henry: Uncle Angelo

Tin Woman: Blanche

Scarecrow: Rose

Cowardly Lion: Stan

Wicked Witch of the West: Frieda Claxton

The Wizard: Miles

Glinda: Aunt Angela

by Anonymousreply 1009/30/2013

She would saunter down the Yellow Brick Road.

No way she could skip in that tunic.

by Anonymousreply 1109/30/2013

Yay!! Another Golden Girls thread!

by Anonymousreply 1209/30/2013

What if Dorothy was played by Maude Findlay?

What? Should this be a different thread?

by Anonymousreply 1309/30/2013


by Anonymousreply 1409/30/2013


by Anonymousreply 1509/30/2013

Instead of a basket, she would have been carrying a shapeless leather purse-sack.

by Anonymousreply 1609/30/2013

No Glinda, the Wizard is not your father.

by Anonymousreply 1709/30/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 1809/30/2013

While she's reprimanding the man behind the curtain, her eyes will constantly be looking off to the side.

by Anonymousreply 1909/30/2013

The flying monkeys would have all looked like traffic cones.

by Anonymousreply 2009/30/2013

Glinda: "And remember, never let those ruby slippers off your feet for a moment, or you will be at the mercy of the Wicked Witch of the West."

Dorothy: "I look like the mother of a Solid Gold dancer!"

by Anonymousreply 2109/30/2013

She would have kids. But rarely mention them. And they would sort of change ages from time to time.

And she'd trip over muumuus whilst singing and dancing along the yellow brick road.

by Anonymousreply 2209/30/2013

Instead of having to bring the Wizard the Witch's broomstick in order to have their requests granted, he instead would have made them compete in a game of "Grab That Dough".

by Anonymousreply 2309/30/2013

Wicked Witch= Barbara Thorndyke

by Anonymousreply 2409/30/2013

Instead of a poppy field to stop Dorothy in her tracks, the Witch would have put an off-track betting parlor along the Yellow Brick Road.

by Anonymousreply 2509/30/2013

Traveling down the Yellow Brick Road you'd see a scarecrow, a tin man, a lion, and a giant turkey.

by Anonymousreply 2609/30/2013

DOROTHY: Can you even dye my eyes to match my muumuu?


DOROTHY: Jolly good town!

by Anonymousreply 2709/30/2013

In order to have the Wizard grant her wish, Dorothy's task would be to get Mark Perper to show her his wee-wee.

by Anonymousreply 2809/30/2013


by Anonymousreply 2909/30/2013

It's called dwarfism, Rose!!!!!!!!!

by Anonymousreply 3009/30/2013

Dorothy would develop a gambling problem, a smoking problem, chronic fatigue, hearing loss, sleep with a married gym teacher and suffer from chronic horrible hair disease, all of which would be solved in 22 minutes.

by Anonymousreply 3109/30/2013

"The house began to pitch. The kitchen took a slitch--"

"A slitch?"

"It's a word!"

"So's 'inter-uteran'. It doesn't belong in a song."

by Anonymousreply 3209/30/2013

The Flying Monkeys would NEVER be able to get her airborne. They'd have to drag her all the way to the witch's castle.

by Anonymousreply 3309/30/2013

Dorothy would have been too exhausted to stand in the shower.

by Anonymousreply 3410/01/2013

Rose, who's under the lanai?

by Anonymousreply 3510/01/2013

Instead of slippers she'd be wearing ruby slouch boots.

by Anonymousreply 3610/01/2013

haven't thought about the differences yet, but I vote this for best DL topic of 2013!

by Anonymousreply 3710/01/2013

C'mon the house wouldn't even have gone airborne. Well, maybe a bit.. like the hydrofoils that skim along the waves to Mykonos.

by Anonymousreply 3810/01/2013

GLINDA: Are you a good witch, or a bad witch?

DOROTHY: Yes Rose, I'm a bad witch. Just this morning I ate six children from the St. Olaf orphanage for breakfast, and now I can't wait for lunch!

GLINDA: My name isn't Rose.

by Anonymousreply 3910/01/2013

"Picture it: Munchkinland, 1903 ... "

by Anonymousreply 4010/01/2013

When Glynda asks her if she is a good witch or a bad witch, Dorothy tells her, "I know this is a long shot, but did you take much acid during the 60s?"

by Anonymousreply 4110/01/2013

AUNTIE EM: Dorothy, why don't you find yourself a place where you won't get into any trouble!

DOROTHY: Shady Pines, Auntie....Shady Pines!

by Anonymousreply 4210/01/2013

This is perhaps the most idiotic DL thread ever. AND I LOVE IT!!! MORE!!!

by Anonymousreply 4310/01/2013

The beauticians at the Emerald City sweetly sing their critiques of what would accentuate the many folds of that turkey-like neck, draw attention to the non-existent bosom, or lead the eye to that huge spare tire and the square manly hips.

by Anonymousreply 4410/01/2013

As the twister approached, Uncle Angelo relied on what he was taught to do in the Italian army and consequently no one survived.

by Anonymousreply 4510/01/2013

The Wicked Witch of the West is one of her brother Phil's poker buddies.

by Anonymousreply 4610/01/2013

There's an exclamation point carved in the big wooden door of the Emerald City.

by Anonymousreply 4710/01/2013

[quote]What if Dorothy was played by Maude Findlay? What? Should this be a different thread?

Oz'll get you for that, r13.

by Anonymousreply 4810/01/2013

Instead of Over the Rainbow she sings Old Man River.

by Anonymousreply 4910/01/2013

hahahahaha R49

by Anonymousreply 5010/01/2013

Remember the episode where Sue Ann had the munchkin boyfriend?

by Anonymousreply 5110/01/2013

"Ma, I have a feeling we're not in Kansas anymore."

by Anonymousreply 5210/01/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 5310/01/2013

R51 see R4

by Anonymousreply 5410/01/2013

Locked Up In the Witch's Castle:

Sophia in the Crystal Ball: Dorothy, where are you? It's me, Sophia. We're trying to find you. Where are you? Dorothy!

Dorothy: Try the Yellow Pages, Ma! Look under W for Wicked.

by Anonymousreply 5510/01/2013

When Toto pulled back the curtain to expose the Wizard, she would say, "WHOA!!"

by Anonymousreply 5610/01/2013

Dorothy would buck up the Cowardly Lion by reciting the names of the Chicago 7.

by Anonymousreply 5710/01/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 5810/01/2013

Somewhere over the Causeway

by Anonymousreply 5910/01/2013

There would be a FLAMING Homosexual "Fancy man" who would appear to be a major character in his first appearance , then vanishes from the film and is never seen again.

by Anonymousreply 6010/01/2013

"Ding Dong, Frieda Klaxson's Dead"

"We're Off To See Burt Reynolds" - Sophia

"If I only had A Brain" - Rose

by Anonymousreply 6210/01/2013

Rue McClanahan as the cowardly lion

Bill Macy as the Tin Man

Conrad Bain as the scarecrow

by Anonymousreply 6310/01/2013

Instead of Dorothy wishing to go back home, she'd be wishing for hormone replacement therapy.

by Anonymousreply 6410/01/2013

Instead of a touching barnyard rendition of "Over the Rainbow", Dorothy's first musical number would be a raucous performance of "Hard-hearted Hannah".

by Anonymousreply 6510/01/2013

When the gang arrives at the Emerald City, Barbara Thorndyke is the gatekeeper that initially refuses them entry.

by Anonymousreply 6610/01/2013

Instead of poppies, the WW would drug them with cheesecake laced with sedatives.

by Anonymousreply 6710/01/2013

The ruby slippers would be replaced by ruby scrunchy boots.

by Anonymousreply 6810/01/2013

The forest that the Tin Woman is found in looks exactly like Blanche Devereaux's bedroom.

by Anonymousreply 6910/01/2013

R70, except for Dorothy, who eats shiitake mushrooms.

by Anonymousreply 7010/01/2013

Every 10 minutes, a new biological child of one of the characters pops up. They're gone as quickly as they came, are never seen or mentioned again, and none of their ages match their parent's chronologies.

by Anonymousreply 7110/01/2013

Mario Lopez would be an illegal immigrant farmhand on Uncle Henry's farm.

by Anonymousreply 7210/01/2013

Auntie Em's Kansas farmhouse has a lanai instead of a barnyard, and the interior layout does not match the exterior.

by Anonymousreply 7310/01/2013

Our Wonderful Wizard'll get you for that, Scarecrow.

by Anonymousreply 7410/01/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 7510/01/2013

The tornado would've dumped her back in Brooklyn instead where the road back to Miami would've involved Rose being forcibly lobotomized by the flying monkeys, Blanche getting an STD vaccination, Dorothy gets tag teamed by the Flying Finelli Brothers and Sophia is revealed to be the Wizard.

by Anonymousreply 7610/01/2013

The Flying Monkeys could by the two ugly spinster daughters of neighbor Dr Harry Weston. Dreyfuss as Toto.

by Anonymousreply 7710/01/2013

Shoulder pads for days!

by Anonymousreply 7810/01/2013

The section of the original with that weird continuity error where the "Jitterbug" song and dance was removed from the final release could be replaced by that weird , horrible attempt with Rita Moreno in this initial spin-off pilot of "Empty Nest."

That too should be left on the cutting room floor.

by Anonymousreply 7910/01/2013

Dorothy would be diagnosed with Epstein-Barr in the Emerald City.

by Anonymousreply 8010/01/2013

There would be no Emerald City. Instead, Dorothy would follow the yellow brick road to the Burt Reynolds Dinner Theater to see the Wizard, played by none other than Mr. Jamie Farr.

by Anonymousreply 8110/01/2013

It would only last for the next 8 dollars.

by Anonymousreply 8210/01/2013

Would there be herring circus? It's sort of like Sea World, only smaller. Much, much smaller. But bigger than a flea circus.

by Anonymousreply 8310/01/2013

When Dorothy is up inside the twister, instead of seeing other people and farm animals, she see clips from many other episodes.

by Anonymousreply 8410/01/2013

Dorothy feels good about how she was able to help the Munchkins, not realizing they have placed a "kick me hard" sign on her back.

by Anonymousreply 8510/01/2013

Being given a choice of flying in an unsteerable balloon and stealing the broomstick of the WWoW, Dorothy sarcastically asks the Wizard, "Why don't we just set each other on fire?" The Scarecrow vows never to speak to Dorothy again until the Tin Woodsman reminds him that as Friends of Dorothy, they're family.

by Anonymousreply 8610/01/2013

Dorothy is happy to be told that she is the Munchkins' national heroine, until the mayor emphasizes that she is only a substitute heroine.

by Anonymousreply 8710/01/2013

The Munchkins are revealed to be Dykes on Bikes in short people drag.

by Anonymousreply 8810/01/2013

On the way to see the Wizard in the Emerald City, Dorothy and the girls stop at the hotel bar for a drink and they get arrested for prostitution.

by Anonymousreply 8910/01/2013

Dorothy is assured that she and the gang will be able to crash the witch's castle when the Scarecrow gives her a "Cindy Lou Peebles" nametag to wear to fool the witch. The flying monkey cones nab Dorothy in the forest, but after pulling apart the Scarecrow, they tell him that he, Kim Fung Toi, sure has changed. He replies, "Different on outside; missing inside."

by Anonymousreply 9010/01/2013

Instead of dressing up as Winkies to save Dorothy from the Witch, the girls dress up as nuns collecting lingerie for needy sexy people.

by Anonymousreply 9110/01/2013

A field of poppies? No. Cheesecake. Endless slices of cheesecake.

by Anonymousreply 9210/01/2013

Adrienne Barbeau's jugs are sticking out from under the house with red and white sequinned bull's eye pasties.

by Anonymousreply 9310/01/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 9410/01/2013

Dorothy would fall in love with the guard at The Wizard's palace, get all giggly in a creepy way and then find out he's a priest.

by Anonymousreply 9510/01/2013

"Glinda? Miss Goodwitch? I don't know if you remember me but I cane to you for help. For help, Miss Goodwitch. I was lost, blown here by a tornado. Do you remember what you told me? You told me to follow the yellow brick road. I thought I was crazy, meeting talking scarecrows and tin men and emotionally and physically abusive trees. So, I thought, Miss Goodwitch is the expert; I did what you told me. Then you told me to click my heels together and wish to go home. I believed you. Well, I needed help. . .not witchcraft. I needed a car with GPS. So I hope that one day, when you get blown away in a tornado and find yourself lost, that you find yourself a good witch who's a better good witch to you than you were a good witch to me. Goodnight, Miss Goodwitch."

by Anonymousreply 9610/01/2013

No matter what happens during the story Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Cowardly Lion and The Scarecrow all end up back at the exact spot where they first met to start all over again.

by Anonymousreply 9710/01/2013

Burt Reynolds would be the Wizard.

by Anonymousreply 9810/01/2013

In the end, it's revealed that Dorothy's time in Oz was actually someone else's dream and that farmhands Sonny and Lyle weren't really in love with her.

by Anonymousreply 9910/01/2013

W&W for R100. Fantastic.

by Anonymousreply 10010/01/2013

Glinda would be played by none other than Susan Anton.

by Anonymousreply 10110/01/2013

[quote]Glinda would be played by none other than Susan Anton.

No...not Susan Anton.

by Anonymousreply 10210/01/2013

Instead of choosing to go with the Scarecrow, the Tin Woodsman, and the Cowardly Lion, Dorothy just books the Donatello triplets.

by Anonymousreply 10310/01/2013

When she is not schtuping Stan (the Whiz) behind the curtain, dropping a house on Aunt Agnes, or Hard Hearted-Hannahing her way done the yellow brick road, Dorothy spends her free time scheming a way to get back to her childhood back in the slums of brookl... er... Kansas.

by Anonymousreply 10410/01/2013

At the end, when Dorothy is waking up, standing in the small crowd around the bed is a very young George Clooney as a police officer called in to investigate.

by Anonymousreply 10510/01/2013

Perhaps Jonny McGovern could sing, rather than those impish munchkins.

by Anonymousreply 10610/01/2013

At first, Dorothy thinks that the rusted Tin Woodsman is saying, "oil can." Eventually she realizes he is saying "bacon, lettuce and potato."

by Anonymousreply 10710/01/2013

Dorothy realizes that her witch friend, Trudy McMann, was only playing a practical joke and wasn't liquidated. Dorothy gets back at her by sleeping with Nikko.

by Anonymousreply 10810/01/2013

Every fifteen minutes Dorothy, The Tin Man, The Scarecrow and The Cowardly Lion stop to drink coffee and reminisce while we "dream sequence dissolve" to clips from earlier Wizard of Oz's.

by Anonymousreply 10910/01/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 11010/01/2013

The roles of Professor Marvel, the Wizard, the Guard, the Gatekeeper and the Carriage Driver are all played by Herb Edelman with various hairpieces. In each case the character introduces himself as, "It's me, Stan."

by Anonymousreply 11110/01/2013

Uncle Henry, played by Mickey Rooney, has a satchel filled with stolen money and is on the run from the mob.

by Anonymousreply 11210/01/2013

Too bad Rose got picked to be the scarecrow--she always wanted to be the strumpet. Now, after her husband, she was just never able to be fully satisfied (the bulls in her pasture were quite intimidated).

by Anonymousreply 11310/01/2013

"I need a price on the WHIZ STAN PROPHYLACTIC..." "IN GREEN" "Take it easy ladies... did you just get out of a twister or something?"

by Anonymousreply 11410/01/2013

they would introduce characters that we never see again..

by Anonymousreply 11510/01/2013

the yellow brick road would start on the lanai

by Anonymousreply 11610/01/2013

After Dorothy leaves the rest of the remaining characters would for some reason buy a run down hotel..

by Anonymousreply 11710/01/2013

Perhaps we might not see the character again, 119, but we're damned sure going to see the actor in some other part--probably will have to do with Glenda's boyfriend, Mile's, who suspiciously disappeared from the Lollipop guild after squealing at the same time that Maren "The cheeseman" went to the hoosegow.

by Anonymousreply 11810/01/2013

One of the Fighting Trees Of The Forest secretly offers to carve a nude sculpture of each of our traveling quartet, but ultimately combines their qualities into one huge monstrosity. And is gay.

by Anonymousreply 11910/01/2013

Glinda would be played by one actress at the beginning of the movie and at the end a completely different looking actress at the end.. Dorothy will have a problem with tornadoes at one moment and then halfway thru the movie seem to have no trouble or ever had trouble with them.

by Anonymousreply 12010/02/2013

Instead of turning the nail, Dorothy tries to coax the Scarecrow down by yelling, "You're right, these naked Munchkin boys sure can dance!"

by Anonymousreply 12110/02/2013

When the witch says, "I'll get you, and your little dog too" she retorts, "shady pines, ma!"

by Anonymousreply 12210/02/2013

THE WIZ would star Lorraine, Greta, Aunt Trudy, Aunt Libby, Alvin Newcastle, Marguerite Brown, and Ben Wheaton/Albert the diner owner.

by Anonymousreply 12310/02/2013

Jerry Maren looks like Manny from MODERN FAMILY in those pics, R122.

by Anonymousreply 12410/02/2013

GLINDA: You don’t need to be helped any longer. You’ve always had the power to go back to Kansas.

DOROTHY (glowering): God'll get you for that, Glinda.

by Anonymousreply 12510/02/2013

Instead of the transition from the sepia-tinted opening scenes into Tehchnicolor being greeted by the audience with sighs of wonder and pleasure, there would be gasps and groans as the audience was all of a sudde bombarded with big-screen images in Technicolor of the horrible color combinations of their clothes (Dorothy's velvet green and purple date suit comes to mind) and particularly the garish shades of eyeliner, blush, and lipstick they caked on their faces.

by Anonymousreply 12610/02/2013

The moment the Lion got his Courage he would pounce upon Dorothy and eat her.

by Anonymousreply 12710/02/2013

"Oh, pats of it were horrible, but, you know, parts were nice. Like, there were these little people--Munchkins, they called themselves--"


"Yes, Blanche. They were--"

"Dorothy, I know what a MUNCHKIN is. Isn't Ellen DeGeneres one?"

. . .

"Munchkin, Blanche. Not muncher."

by Anonymousreply 12810/02/2013

The Scarecrow would sing "If I only had a big, floppy pancreas"

by Anonymousreply 12910/02/2013

At any time, she could return home by simply clicking her heels THRICE and saying, "There's no place like Miami."

by Anonymousreply 13010/02/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Anonymousreply 13110/02/2013

Em and Henry would have to fly out to OZ to get her. Even then, they would still be required to get their own cab from Emerald Airport International.

Zbornak after her Emerald City make-over:

by Anonymousreply 13210/02/2013

When Dorothy says, "Toto, I don't think we're in Florida anymore," audiences would wonder why she's talking about fucking her maid.

by Anonymousreply 13310/02/2013

When the witch appears over Emerald City and skywrites "Surrender Dorothy", the Scarecrow would exclaim, "Witches don't fly over residential neighborhoods!"

by Anonymousreply 13410/03/2013

This would never have happened, because the role of Dorothy Gale would have gone to Phyllis Hammerow.

Dorothy Zbornak would have been the captain of the Witch's guards (because she was the only one that fit the costume), and Rose and Blanche would have been non-speaking Emerald City townspeople.

by Anonymousreply 13510/03/2013

And Tin Man would have fucked the entire cast except for Ed, the stage manager.

by Anonymousreply 13610/03/2013

Wow...another stupid thread.

by Anonymousreply 13710/03/2013

r142 = Barbara Thorndyke

by Anonymousreply 13810/03/2013


Thread over, you win.

by Anonymousreply 13910/03/2013

As soon as Dorothy returns to Kansas, the Scarecrow would turn to the Tinwoman and say, "You know, I never liked her."

by Anonymousreply 14010/03/2013

Dorothy's main objective would not be The Emerald City... She would be dying to have lunch at The Mortimer Club, where all of Miami's intelligentsia convene.

by Anonymousreply 14110/03/2013

When Glinda explains to Dorothy that all she has to do is click her heels together three times and shell be transported back home, Dorothy would ask her, "This may seem redundant but. . .you're from St. Olaf, aren't you?"

by Anonymousreply 14210/04/2013

LOL, I was thinking the same thing about the bowtie frock!

by Anonymousreply 14310/04/2013

Is this really going to be the only Golden Girls thread today?

by Anonymousreply 14410/05/2013

A new musical number would be added so Dorothy could sing "Thank You For Being a Friend" before she magically ends up back in Miami.

by Anonymousreply 14510/16/2013
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