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Abandoning society

Has anyone here done it? Become a hermit? Cut themselves off from the world? The older I get the more appealing it seems. I'm content having social interactions via phone calls, emails, and the Internet. I wouldn't be completely cut off, but just live a more private life. Shop online, minimal interaction with others, minimize my relationships to close fa,ily and friends.

by Anonymousreply 13010/03/2013

Why not euthanasia?

by Anonymousreply 109/23/2013

OP, I've done it, but it wasn't a conscious decision. It just seemed to happen. Got laid off in June. Started freelancing this summer. Other than interactions with people at the post office and the grocery store, I can go weeks without talking to another person.

by Anonymousreply 209/23/2013

i'm poor and thus already isolated.

no one wants to be a friend to a poor fag.


it's ok,i am finally used to it

by Anonymousreply 309/23/2013

I've done it. It started inadvertently when I had to move for my job. I live in a state where there are a lot of overly religious poorly-educated people, including many at work. I just have been unable to find people to relate to, except superficially. I've gotten used to it and it isn't bad. I get to pick and choose of the best of humanity (books, art, productions, etc) and can leave the dreck behind.

I've stayed in touch with my family and a few very close friends elsewhere, but that's pretty much it.

by Anonymousreply 409/23/2013

I left NY with the intention of moving to a rural setting, living in an old farmhouse, getting a dog and living in quiet solitude. I succeeded and have never been happier in my life.

by Anonymousreply 509/23/2013

About 30 years ago (I'm 60 now), a sweet gay man living near Lawrence, KS, asked me to join him on his 60-acre farm, where he lived for weeks at a time with little contact with the outside world.

I refused. I just couldn't imagine being a farmer...or a farmer's spouse. I went on to finish my doctorate. I still don't know if I made a good or bad decision.

One of my fondest memories of our time together was going out on his front porch in the middle of a cloudless night, far away from any light pollution. I've never seen so many stars in my life. It was breathtaking.

by Anonymousreply 609/23/2013

Mother's basement is a constant here for a reason. Preferable perhaps to the toxic offices many posters suffer fifty weeks a year.

by Anonymousreply 709/23/2013

My situation is similar to R2's. I got laid off last year and could no longer afford to be social or do much of anything so I retreated into my very isolated home (on 5 acres of land in Northern California). I interact occasionally with the neighbors and when I go to the store. Recently, I started freelancing but since I work from home, I have limited physical interaction with my coworkers.

I don't want to be so isolated but it just sort of happened....

by Anonymousreply 809/23/2013

I have gotten so I hate to leave home and seldom do. Quick trip to town in the early morning to shop now and again. I take my run at daybreak so I don't encounter others.

by Anonymousreply 909/23/2013

Just don't have your house fully automated so you never have to leave.

Julie Christie carries the demon seed...pray for her!

by Anonymousreply 1009/23/2013

Become a caregiver, OP. The social life dies off pretty quickly.

by Anonymousreply 1109/23/2013

The problem is we're an interdependent species. It's not a good idea to pull back from society because inevitably, you rely on society to meet your needs.

I did it before and I became really sensitive to public spaces. The more I was a hermit, the more I needed to be, and the more eccentric I became. I became less willing to deal with any contact or even deal with anything 'hard'. I became an avoider. There was a contact hierarchy. In person was the worst. Phone was better. Email was best because I had control, could edit, could respond when I felt like it, and could keep people at arm's length. But it left me socially awkward and unable to get by when I had to deal with others. It really wasn't healthy.

The thing about forcing ourselves to do the uncomfortable thing (in this case deal with people), is that we get better at it, and yes, more comfortable with regular practice. Also, we're less likely to become crazy, because when we share an out there idea, we get instant feedback in people's body language and words, which keeps us in line with the rest of society. Don't underplay the necessity of conforming, more or less, with society. We have to interact. We are social creatures who group into communities to meet our needs.

by Anonymousreply 1209/23/2013

What a flashback, R6. I may have known him. Is he still alive?

And speaking of Lawrence, the professor who tweeted that the NRA has blood on its hands and now is on leave for his safety, is at KU.

by Anonymousreply 1309/23/2013

There's an opinion that to isolate yourself is spiritual death.

I'm not a Catholic nor even religious, but one Catholic spirit who doesn't wear it on her sleeve explained it to me with an analogy:

"Think of your soul as a sugar cube surrounded with a universe of air and charcoal/catalyst. Some would-be Catholics simply pray to the flame of God and don't interact with the world. Their sugar cube cannot be lit without the catalyst of people that surround us. But once the sugar interacts with the catalyst of human contact, the divine flame can alight the soul and burn. And the sugar never runs out."

"But what about people who hate us and would destroy us?"

"While we don't allow them to destroy us, if we survive we forgive and try to understand them. In doing so is proof that the flame is still burning within us."

This woman survived quite a lot and bears a lot of scars inside and out. I'm nowhere near this female's level of courage. It's kind of strange as she's really a very shy and private person. Yet she somehow remains in contact with the world and not be eaten up by it.

Anyway, she seems far more spiritual to me than anyone calling themselves religious in the MSM. Definitely not the "Our Lady of the Cadillacs" type. She recommends you not changing your religion or philosophy. Just stay where you are and enlighten your surroundings and the people in it--even if only a little bit. And you will improve and not be afraid of the world.

I kowtow to her, "Our Lady of the Burning Sugar Cube"!

by Anonymousreply 1409/23/2013

R14 shouldn't leave the house.

by Anonymousreply 1509/23/2013

R14, come over here and sit beside me and we'll share a nice, hot cup of Sanka decaffeinated coffee together. It's so calming and soothing. And I promise you we won't add sugar cubes.

by Anonymousreply 1609/23/2013

I live in a major metropolitan suburb. There's a highway near me, with a buffer zone of heavy trees between the office parks and the highway. The homeless have created a little tent city in there. You really have to look to see it, they used camouflage tents, but with winter coming it won't be secret for long. Does that count?

by Anonymousreply 1709/23/2013

Thanks for a thoughtful and moving post R14 - I find that people like your sugarcube lady are some of the unsung heros in life.

by Anonymousreply 1809/23/2013

I don't get it. How come the Catholic souls get to be sugar cubes and the rest of us are the charcoal? What a rip. And what about souls that aren't sugar cubes but more like Splenda? Do they burn? This leaves me with more questions than answers. Tell your friend thanks for fucking up my day.

by Anonymousreply 1909/23/2013

I wouldn't say I am a hermit, but I am pretty limited socially. I blame it on my upbringing. To be a very different, gay kid, growing up in a logging town in Oregon basically forced me to pull inwards. It's possible I didn't learn enough social skills then. As an adult, I am an extrovert, but basically because I had no friends as a child has sort of limited my social skills as an adult. I like people though, and luckily I am living in a progressive city. I just find it hard to meet anyone and so I do my own thing. I have my partner and we have our own business we are forming so we work from home, I am taking grad classes online, and that's about it. Believe it or not, my partner is from the same hick town as myself. We found each other and left. Any tips on getting over this social issue? I don't hang out in bars, so meeting friends that way is out. I am not shy, but I guess I just need help findings friends.

by Anonymousreply 2009/23/2013

I work from home and I've never been happier. Introverts like me actually find interacting with people face to face on a daily basis exhausting. Other than running daily errands, I only get out once a week or so to socialize with friends and family. That's plenty for me.

Connecting to people with similar interests and sensibilities via the internet has been great for me too. Much better than the random connections I have with people simply because they happen to be in my physical orbit.

by Anonymousreply 2109/23/2013

It's called Palm Springs gramps.

by Anonymousreply 2209/23/2013

Works great until you get old and end up in the hospital for something.

by Anonymousreply 2309/23/2013

You can get the Life Alert For One. When you push the button it says "Help, I've fallen and nobody gives a fuck."

by Anonymousreply 2409/23/2013

Avoidant Personality Disorder plus Major Depression. I don't recommend the lifestyle.

by Anonymousreply 2509/23/2013

It's happening to me as we speak. I work 2nd shift every day (2 jobs) and even when I am not working it every day I never have a weekend off. I find myself avoiding everyone because I really don't have the time to do anything with anyone anyway. I'm sure I don't like it but I'm too afraid to give up one of my jobs. It just struck me the other night that, even though I'm not lonely, I am very much alone.

by Anonymousreply 2609/23/2013

OP, I have done this just as you describe in your original post.

I never need to leave my apartment and never do. (I have a bad knee which needs full knee replacement surgery) I have a lovely porch to sit on to enjoy the outdoors and sun.

My city has three major grocery stores who deliver groceries and allow all ordering online for the groceries.

I speak to my brother every 2 or 3 months on the phone. He lives in a different state. And I speak to a local friend on the phone occasionally.

Otherwise, nothing.

by Anonymousreply 2709/23/2013

I lived in cities for my adult life before moving out to an historic house in the country. It's a half hour drive to do or get anything, 100 miles to the nearest major city. There are no neighbors in sight (or sound), it's an unpaved road, and the house and landscape look as it did 200 years ago when the place was new.

I work from home, am on friendly terms with the neighbors but see them only infrequently, and can easily go a week without between seeing anyone. There's no ordering in food, no running down to the corner store, though there's a steady flow of packages from Amazon and others, and satellite TV, and high-speed internet. Because of the distance involved, I see friends infrequently, though am in touch with them every week at least.

I'm old enough that I don't need constant stimulation from other people and being out in the world, so I rarely miss this that; in fact I miss it with the same infrequency that I would occasionally go momentarily stir crazy when living in the city. The house and setting are beautiful which is what drew me here and keeps me happy here. As an antidote to so much solitude, I do travel a good bit, and spend nearly all of that time in large cities where I enjoy the change of scene and pace and the variety of what's on offer. If I were not able to take advantage of so much vacation time throughout the year, living in the sticks might wear on me, but it doesn't it, and I like it.

I don't expect to end out my days out in the sticks. At some point I'll want a change and will move back among people, but am in no hurry at all.

by Anonymousreply 2809/23/2013

The people who do this wind up homeless by choice, or in the 60s and early 70s they lived on communes and it didn't work then.

by Anonymousreply 2909/23/2013

I did this and the best part about it was going off TV and news and most internet for a year. Afterwards I SAW for the first time how mentally sick the media is (and all the people who read and participate in it). I became totally alienated from politics and popular culture and most of the people around me. It was a little scary but healthy and I'm glad it happened. Now I participate with a GIANT grain of salt (DL doesn't count, of course).

by Anonymousreply 3009/23/2013

Why are we burning the sugar cubes? Who does that?

by Anonymousreply 3109/23/2013

I have minimal relationships with people because I'm burnt out on them. My job is supporting a small military detachment, which works because they transfer every two or three years. I quit drinking so I don't hang out in bars anymore - most of my friendships were booze-based, as most of my dates/hookups. Lots of toxic, sabotaging relationships. Now I live in a neighborhood in a large Northeastern city with few, if any gays, and I pretty much go to work, the gym, and home. My mother lives on the other side of town with my brother; we've never been that close.

I just prefer time alone more and more as I get older. I get weary and overwhelmed around groups of people; at first I thought something was wrong with me, but it isn't really. I just like to be alone. I can take small groups of people, three or four, for a quiet evening out, preferably at a decent restaurant or someone's house. I no longer have that need to see or be seen, especially by the trend-obsessed, elitist GWM crowd.

by Anonymousreply 3209/23/2013

There was a story on the Nightly News tonight about a new study that showed that hospital patients without family members in their room to advocate for them were something like twice as likely to die.

by Anonymousreply 3309/23/2013

R29, I do not understand your comment at all.

You are understanding this choice or situation.

Your mind is off on a completely different tangent not applicable to what we are discussing.

by Anonymousreply 3409/23/2013

R33, you present this idea in many different threads on Datalounge.

That was not on the news tonight and you know it. You lied about it being on the news tonight.

You are obsessed with the idea of a hospital patient not having an advocate and a nursing home resident not having an advocate.

You have stated if over and over in other threads.

You are worrying about yourself. You worry you might not have an advocate.

We get your point, but it is not as worrisome as you continually suggest in multiple threads.

by Anonymousreply 3509/23/2013

At R34, I meant to type:

You are NOT understanding this choice or situation.

by Anonymousreply 3609/23/2013

R35, you have me mixed up with someone else. I posted it on one thread, this one. It was, in fact, on the news tonight. Here is a link to how one network characterized the study. Have fun.

by Anonymousreply 3709/23/2013

One more thing, R35. Go eat shit.

by Anonymousreply 3809/23/2013

I've been forced to abandon society thanks to the Rx antibiotic Cipro. It completely disabled me, and I've been housebound as a result for many years now. It is beyond depressing and maddening & has certainly done a number on me mentally. It's not all bad...most of the people who I used to consider my friends, as it turns out, were never really my friends at all. So in a way I'm not really missing out on much. It was all just smoke & mirrors. I'm thankful I am at least crippled in the age of the internet, where I can get most of my shopping needs delivered to my door and can interact with people if I choose (albeit in a very limited fashion) online. I'd be lying if I said I don't miss having human companionship, though. And don't even get me started on sex. I have forgotten what it feels like to be touched by another person.

I should probably go slit my wrists now.

by Anonymousreply 3909/23/2013

R39, you could reach out to churches. A bunch of fat ladies would love to deliver pies to you, it makes them feel better doing the Lords work. Think how you'd be doing them a favor, and you get pie!

by Anonymousreply 4009/23/2013

If you do it, do what the British used to teach their soldiers about being a prisoner of war.

Shave every day, keep your cell neat, make your bed, make sure your clothes are clean and mended (I would add still in style), and develop a routine that includes exercise, reading, and general self-improvement.

I'm serious about this. You're getting away from other people, but thats's no excuse to let yourself fall apart in the process.

by Anonymousreply 4109/23/2013

At this point in my life, that kind of life sounds heavenly.

Maybe someday...

by Anonymousreply 4209/23/2013

At first I thought you were talking about how to prepare for suicide, R41. The first rule of suicide is not to do it in your house or car. No need to ruin the place or the auto. Go into a park or something, like Vince Foster did.

by Anonymousreply 4309/23/2013

How To Live A Happy Life Alone

by Anonymousreply 4409/24/2013

I've done it. It's OK...BUT horrid of you have a situation with someone and no one to talk to about it.

Some things you just HAVE to discuss with someone or they hang around like a nasty damp patch.

by Anonymousreply 4509/24/2013

Sugar Cube worshiper here.

Those of you who go it alone make up 29% of the US population, according to the latest US census.

Increasingly, single people are found dead in their homes, like starlet Yvette Vickers. Living in isolation is usually the sign of mental illness or spiritual malaise.

The individuals I've come across who live as hermits will proselytize as an evangelist as to the reasons and advantages to doing so. In every case, these people are plainly trying to justify their refusal to truly live life. It's hard to avoid being someone's fool, as the song goes, but living in isolation is living death. You're not being brave or tough by being alone. Spending your entire life trying to avoid heartbreak by living in a closet is simply self-torment.

Heartbreak and tragedy is simply part of life, and real living people cannot avoid it.

by Anonymousreply 4609/24/2013

No, I don't have a personality disorder, OP.

by Anonymousreply 4709/24/2013

I did, for a few months in 1992. I won't be repeating that mistake.

by Anonymousreply 4809/24/2013

R46, Thanks for the great post. You have wonderful insight.

The Catholic Church has been trying to get its more reclusive volunteers to get out and socialize more. For those who don't know, the Catholic Church has volunteer opportunities for single people who have never been married but do not want to become nuns or priests. They are very dedicated souls who devote their time to helping the poor and sick, but go home at night to their own place.

But the church has recognized that many of these nice people are too isolated and lonely. You see, the protestant churches are super-social, almost too forced, and almost always a little fake. But the Catholics are prone to isolating and self-sacrifice. Even Pope Francis has been speaking out about this.

by Anonymousreply 4909/24/2013

I do this already.. so yep, sure it's possible!

by Anonymousreply 5009/24/2013

For some people, I think there's definitely an element of fear that underlies seclusion but it's still possible for someone to simply enjoy living alone. I've noticed that my patience with people has waned over the years and aside from the little bit of socializing I do at work, I'm almost always alone. I go to the movies alone, eat out alone, workout alone, travel alone, etc. I think the key is to still do SOMETHING. I wonder if unhappy people are the ones that don't have goals or something that they're striving towards. Or a hobby at least.

by Anonymousreply 5109/24/2013

R51 has it right. R46 is really off base. R46/R14 is misreading posts on the thread and overinterpreting comments to justify his own misguided opinion. People live differently. Stop trying to force everyone into your approved lifestyle.

by Anonymousreply 5209/24/2013

R49, what has Pope Francis said about this, if you happen to remember. Thanks!

by Anonymousreply 5309/24/2013

Suicide out of doors?

Maybe that wouldn't be so bad? When I get old, I hope to do it but do it without pain.

I think countries should start offering painless suicides for anyone who wants it.

by Anonymousreply 5409/24/2013

No, I require healthy, human, real time interactions. Abandoning society? Why? I don't get it?

by Anonymousreply 5509/24/2013

Euthanasia should totally be available to anyone who is competent and wants it.

by Anonymousreply 5609/24/2013

I was reading that link that r46 provided about the death of the playmate Vickers. She wasnt discovered for almost a year and was in a mummified state. The article goes on to say how sad and tragic that is. Why? It's not like she cared once she died. if the body mummifies on the floor or in a coffin, it still mummifies. So why is one okay and the other so horrible to consider?

by Anonymousreply 5709/24/2013

I've done it: through unemployment, really. Stayed home most of the time, had interactions with my girlfriend and little else. Two-three times a month I would meet a friend. I saw all the movies I wanted to online. Got up when I felt like it. Didn't have to face other people in situations that weren't for my leisure.

Partly I was lonely, but it was also fun. When the weather was nice I'd have small day trips, which was super nice.

Mostly I couldn't travel anywhere far because I didn't have any money.

The only reason why I work today is so I can travel and buy clothes sometimes. But mostly, travel.

by Anonymousreply 5809/24/2013

R30, I wish I could do that.

by Anonymousreply 5909/24/2013

I thought the first rule of suicide was to do it in a hotel.

Though admittedly, that's not very nice to the people running the hotel.

by Anonymousreply 6009/24/2013

R58, seeing friends 2 or 3 times each month is not being a hermit nor is it abandoning society nor is it being anti-social nor is it not bothering with people.

Plus you have a girlfriend.

You do not seem to have a concept of what we are talking about.

by Anonymousreply 6109/24/2013

I gradually drifted into it also. It's amazing what you can do, or don't have to do, these days. Driver's License renewal in 2014 (2000 miles on my 2001 Blazer,) Passport (6 more years until renewal,) Lotto (10 plays, ~2 weeks) is about all I have to leave for.

Funny, I've never met my broker, lawyer or insurance guy. I think they're just as happy this way too.

Thank you Jeff Bezos!

by Anonymousreply 6209/24/2013

I want to retire to a beachside shack in Provincetown. I don't want to have any interactions with boring heterosexuals or children. Or Republicans. Only with smart, interesting homos.

by Anonymousreply 6309/24/2013

I never have to run errands. None.

Everything is delivered to my apartment door, and very easily.

The only thing I need to leave for, and it is very rare, is a doctor appointment. Eventually a rare dentist appointment.

And one other rare occurence. I need to get new glasses which I have put off for eons by just wearing $23 reading glasses.

by Anonymousreply 6409/24/2013

I'm telling you now so I don't have to tell you then!

by Anonymousreply 6509/24/2013

R[64] is a vampire.

by Anonymousreply 6609/24/2013

I did it for four years. Then I ran out of money. I only went out when I had to (groceries, pharmacy). But I went out at night when possible

by Anonymousreply 6709/24/2013

Can someone recite now that famous poem about the snow falling into drifts on an old man's shoulders? It would fit in perfectly, that or, go gently into the night.

by Anonymousreply 6809/24/2013

Were you searching for young gay blood on your night-time escapades too, [R67]?

by Anonymousreply 6909/24/2013

Anyone here actually diagnosed with agoraphobia?

by Anonymousreply 7009/24/2013

[quote] Maybe that wouldn't be so bad? When I get old, I hope to do it but do it without pain. I think countries should start offering painless suicides for anyone who wants it.

They have this in Switzerland. You are supposed to have a terminal or severe mental illness to qualify for this service

60% of their clients are from Germany

by Anonymousreply 7109/24/2013

Yeah, I plan to stash away enough money for a last 'vacation' to a country that allows euthanasia. Shit, if nothing else I'll go to a Pharmacia in Mexico and get some horse tranquilizers.

by Anonymousreply 7209/24/2013

Not being connected to Instagram, Twitter, or Facebook has cut me off from many of my "friends". I have a handful of close friends I talk to on the phone and see occasionally, but the extraneous people in my life live on the Internet.

I enjoy (most of) the faceless posters here on Datalounge much more than those I interact with in my community.

by Anonymousreply 7309/25/2013

I haven't changed, society has.

I like to smoke when I drink whiskey, so I seldom go to bars anymore.

Most restaurants serve portion controlled crap that's heated in microwaves, so there's very little appeal there.

Facebook and Twitter don't interest me, so there goes that outlet.

Amazon Prime will deliver anything I want to my door in 2 days, so why trudge through malls?

Movies are mostly crap these days, and if you're willing to wait 60 days you can watch them at home in peace and quiet anyway.

Most importantly, my partner and I both work in people businesses where we're "on" all day long. Going out and putting on a dog and pony show to entertain others is the last thing we want to do in the evening.

If that means I'm a hermit, so be it. I don't understand the jump to suicide this thread keeps taking though.

by Anonymousreply 7409/25/2013

So did anyone watch "The Suicide Plan" on Frontline last week? Wah wahhhh

by Anonymousreply 7509/25/2013

I do not get the sugar cube story AT ALL.

by Anonymousreply 7609/25/2013

"I love mankind, it's people I can't stand"

by Anonymousreply 7709/25/2013

The suicide posts on thread are radically out of place and should be deleted from this thread.

The one psycho (probably the guy on Cipro or the other Datalounge guy who always talks about killing himself when his parents die) should go to a different thread.

This topic has absolutely nothing to do with suicide.

by Anonymousreply 7809/25/2013

R74, you're perfectly fine and normal, and not the same thing as a hermit. You just need downtime like any partial introvert after all the stimulation of your extroverted work. If you're dealing with people 40 hours a week, that might well be plenty. The true hermits find work to do that gives them as little human contact as possible, and continue with the no contact at all times after work, too. You're probably getting your needs met (threshold of interaction) via work. Plus you have a partner.

by Anonymousreply 7909/25/2013

When you die you abandon society! Bitch!

by Anonymousreply 8009/25/2013

I think suicide is quite appropriate in this thread. I strongly believe we are meant to have support in life. You choose an existence with as little support as possible, and a good many people will sink into depression and "what's the point, anyway". We are social creatures.

I'm an introvert, so I understand the need for time alone, but equally important is spending our energy to create and maintain rich, rewarding human connections that leave us full and satiated more often than not, while also giving us the lessons we need to grow as people. Not just online, but in person. The people who live the longest with health and happiness are people with a strong community. It doesn't have to be a humongous community, but every human needs a support system and feeling of connection. Even those who are autistic or have Asperger's.

I feel bad for the person upthread who has forgotten what it feels like to be touched by another human. I want to go over and hug him closely, and give him a gentle massage.

by Anonymousreply 8109/25/2013

I retired in May and wondered if I would be lonely. My partner does not want to retire yet. I find I can spend my days alone just fine.

This is far from abandoning society though. I could not do that. I have gone backpacking alone for several days at a time. I'm OK if I am doing a long distance trip, but I do not like just hanging out at a lake by myself, I get lonely.

by Anonymousreply 8209/25/2013

I have a partner, and he's a fine fellow, but I honestly wonder if I'll murder him with a hatchet (or vice versa) once we're both retired. 24 hours a day 7 days a week?

It seems to me that we'll need to buy a duplex, one side for each of us, and install a connecting door that can be locked from either side between them.

by Anonymousreply 8309/25/2013

R82, the fact that you have a partner keeps you from getting lonely.

Having a partner gives enormous emotional security, emotional sustenance, and you always know you'll see the partner at night.

You have nothing in common at all with people who do not have a partner.

by Anonymousreply 8409/25/2013

R81, stop acting as if it is unusual not to have any close connections or any connections at all.

It is quite common in the U.S.

And stop acting as if it is unusual not be touched for decades.

Not to be touched for decades is quite common in the U.S. (and probably other countries too)

by Anonymousreply 8509/25/2013

R81, you are wrong.

Plenty of people have no close connections or no connections at all and do NOT sink into depression.

Not having close connections does not equal suicide.

And for you to think that having no social life or close connections equals suicide is idiotic, simple-minded, and plain wrong.

Suicide does NOT belong anywhere near this thread.

by Anonymousreply 8609/25/2013

Too many people in America resemble those young men in Japan with Taijin kyofusho syndrome. While it's suppose to be a Japanese culture-specific, we have our own version here.

Why pathological shyness does not apply to all true hermits (some of them are simply misanthropic), extreme shyness is a widespread problem that affects million of Americans and ultimately society. At least a third of hermits I'm come across have this issue.

The link below gives physical reasons for inherent shyness. With the toxins in our food and environment, this trend toward isolated individuals will increase.

by Anonymousreply 8709/25/2013

Not having connections or very limited ones does not equal automatic depression either.

Plenty of people have limited connection or no connections and do not automatically sink into depression,

by Anonymousreply 8809/25/2013

I have known I had a propensity toward solitude since I was a teenager. I was not socially awkward, in fact I was always outgoing and made friends easily, but I liked and even preferred my alone time. After I became an adult my desire to go out with friends felt more like an obligation, and I consciously pulled back until I had the amount of solitude I needed. 12 years ago I sold my house in the big city, moved to an area of the country where I knew no one, bought a beautiful house in the country and started my own business. And I can honestly say I am even more content than I thought I would be. I get my social interaction through work once a week - I am in the wedding business so I get to interact with happy people celebrating, and I am friendly and outgoing while I'm with them. And that's all the socializing I need. Other than running errands, I spend the rest of my time at home, by myself, and I love it. I prefer animals to people so I have a few cats and dogs, I enjoy watching movies and a few TV shows, cooking (for myself), gardening and landscaping (I have a beautiful backyard with a waterfall), checking in with old friends on Facebook and doing the majority of my wedding work at home. Most weeks I don't leave my house for 5 or 6 days at a time, but I do not feel isolated or maladjusted, nor do I have any peculiar obsessions. I just know that I've always preferred to be alone, and after experiencing three long-term relationships and enjoying plenty of friends over the years, I've had enough socialization to know I like the way I live now!

by Anonymousreply 8909/25/2013

Japan has the suicide forest, where people go to duh, commit suicide. They have to clean out bodies a couple of times a year. People are usually found leaning against a tree or hanging from one. A lot of people bring a ball of colored twine and walk all around the forest leaving a trail so that they can get out if they change their minds or something goes wrong. So there's lots of twine and garbage.

by Anonymousreply 9009/25/2013

You lot sound like Capucine ten days before she took the leap.

by Anonymousreply 9109/25/2013

I wouldI woulII would also like to say that I think a lo tof people project their own comfort zones onto other people, and I would like to add that I think a lot of people project their own needs onto others, and it's silly. They see a person sitting alone in a restaurant and automatically feel sorry for that person. But they're just projecting their own discomfort - they wouldn't be happy sitting alone in a restaurant, therefore that pI would like to add that I think a lot of people project their own needs onto others, and it's silly. They see a person sitting alone in a restaurant and automatically feel sorry for that person. But they're just projecting their own discomfort - they wouldn't be happy sitting alone in a restaurant, therefore that person must be incredibly lonely or deficient in some way. I've had people come up to me and say "won't you join us? We hate to see you sitting all by yourself." And while I appreciate the gesture, it's silly to think that just because I'm alone I must be sad or an object of pity for them. People have such a strong urge to want others to live and see things as they do, and I can't help but think the world would be such a better place if people would suppress that urge.

by Anonymousreply 9209/25/2013

I did but in the opposite way, OP. Left the States for work and now am thinking about staying overseas for a long time. I'm in a city so i have lots of contact with real people around me (speaking a foreign language) but have mostly dumped online & phone conversation. Outside of work stuff, no one from home calls me here. I like it that way. I no longer make the effort to clean my various email accounts of unread mail every day. Now i just glance at the subjects, open what I need and let the rest pile up. Outside of the US, it's come to seem absurd how I was at the beck & call of so many people whenever they felt like bothering me.

by Anonymousreply 9309/25/2013

R92, yes, it is absolutely absurd and ridiculous how people say "we hate to see you sitting all by yourself".

by Anonymousreply 9409/25/2013

I'd give anything to be able to live outside the U.S. No where exotic though, I just want to do the U.K. or Australia.

by Anonymousreply 9509/25/2013

R78 says the person disabled by Cipro should go to another thread, yet trolldar reveals he's homebound himself because of a bad knee. How's it any different? Just because you're not depressed by it? Newsflash: Everyone has different reasons for and reactions to "abandoning society" and they all have just as much a right to post about their experiences as you do, you hypocritical fuck.

by Anonymousreply 9609/25/2013

R96, the man disabled by Cipro frequently writes about his depression and his desire for suicide on lots of different Datalounge threads.

He has written extensively for a long time about his depression and desire for suicide.

R96, thanks for your vicious comments but you are posting without knowing what you are talking about.

He is depressed by his physical disability,

The point is to let people know that is NOT unusual to be fine by oneself without close connections.

And that being without connections and a preference for staying home absolutely does not equate to suicide or automatic depression.

One poster keeps insisting that preferring to stay home and/or living without close connections automatically equates to depression and/ore suicide - and IT DOES NOT EQUATE to that for many people like he thinks it does.

by Anonymousreply 9709/25/2013

Oh okay, so to be clear--this thread is ONLY for those who find living in isolation completely and utterly exhilarating! No other perspectives allowed. Noted.

by Anonymousreply 9809/25/2013

[62] back. I have to out tomorrow. Prescription screwup. Dang. I realize part of my problem: I still care how I look and smell, thought I doubt that will be for much longer, and taking a shower and becoming "presentable" annoys me no end. I just finished the shower (ugh) and I suppose I'll have to shave tomorrow too. (double ugh) Am I clinically depressed? Yes. Am I sad? Not at all. Weird.

by Anonymousreply 9909/26/2013

What a delightful thought my dear! Abandoning society is so WORTHWHILE. Problem is there's really nowhere to hide anymore. People are everywhere and more on the way! Just watch Maury and Steve Wilkos shows featuring all the fat breeders popping out babies. It's a fanciful idea, but seriously, there's nowhere to hide -- not even in antarctica.

by Anonymousreply 10009/26/2013

R62 You have a 12 y/o vehicle with only 2000 miles on it?

by Anonymousreply 10109/26/2013

"...equally important is spending our energy to create and maintain rich, rewarding human connections that leave us full and satiated more often than not, while also giving us the lessons we need to grow as people"

I don't think this is true for everyone. There's a long historical tradition of true hermits, and that was before electricity, let alone Internet, television, music piped in at our leisure...

There's even a psychiatric term for it - "schizoid." People who are perfectly happy and are not alone because they can't help it; they just have no interest in other people. And it's much easier to keep yourself entertained than it used to be, in the "hermit alone in the cave" days.

I believe it's a tradition in Hinduism as well - and isn't there a Catholic monastic group that take a vow of silence? Though I realize they aren't alone, but if you don't talk, well, what's the difference between real people and a blaring tv set or 'net communication?

People are just not all the same.

by Anonymousreply 10209/26/2013

For some people, Sartre was right: Hell is other people.

by Anonymousreply 10309/26/2013

I agree with Sartre.

But then, I'm a Scorpio only child, so misanthropy comes naturally.

by Anonymousreply 10409/26/2013

It's true that we (US culture) have pathologiized shyness and introversion, which sucks. Some people are just wired differently. They are not crazy. In fact, you will make them crazy if you try to force them to be something they are not.

But our society does not tolerate people who are not outgoing and gregarious. We have to be ON all the time. Random strangers feel perfectly justified in walking up to you and demanding that you the "smile." School children who are quiet get points taken off their grades because they don't act like attention whores in the classroom. Loners are looked on with suspicion as though they might be the next Unibomber. Extroverts work very hard at getting introverts to "come out of their shell" because they just can't fathom that you might be perfectly content just the way you are.

I think the constant "connectedness" of social media has made some people go crazy. They are constantly comparing themselves to others and feeling depressed when they come up short. We introverts don't have that problem because we truly don't care what everyone else is up to. We are perfectly content to do our own thing and pursue or own interests.

by Anonymousreply 10509/26/2013

Dear R85 / R86 / R88 / R97, my thoughts have been misunderstood. I do see isolation becoming more common in the U.S. Yep. I agree with you there. I also agree that there aren't automatic equations that being a hermit means all sorts of terrible things. That's a big leap. But I will not agree that isolation is healthy for the majority of people. I didn't make this up. Science says it is not.

Now, before you get defensive, I'm not saying that you or anyone else has to conform to a certain amount of interaction. We have individual needs. What I'm saying is everyone needs to find a level of connectedness in their lives. Maybe for you that means only once per month, and maybe it takes awhile for you to find that in the first place. I don't know. Before I had a partner, I got together with friends maybe once a month. Sometimes it was too overwhelming. Crowds stress me out and I preferred to stay home using my computer. I also know, from having been there, the more I let myself go down the rabbit hole, the more difficult it was to interact with anyone. Science will also say you have to make yourself uncomfortable. A little. Step somewhat outside of your comfort zone, toward more interaction. Only you know what will be a stretch for you. The idea is not to change you into an extrovert. No. The idea is to give you a well-rounded, rich experience on this Earth. So you have support when you need it someday (unlike Yvette Vickers who was mummified in her home for a year before being found), are not overlooked, and are part of our society. So if an acute need arises in you, you will have what you need instead of being stuck. If you had zero need for interaction, you wouldn't be on a message board, BTW.

Now as for isolation = suicide, that is also a misinterpretation of my intent. Isolation can lead to melancholy / depression, which can lead to suicide. It's not a simple one equals the other. There is an array of possibilities, but one good way to become suicidal (studies have proven this) is to be isolated and not have support. Sometimes you need people who love you to pull you out of that damn rabbit hole. Maybe you are so superior that you will never feel depression and never need help. Wonderful! So happy for you! But statistics don't support that claim.

Connectedness is a kind of insurance. It costs no money. It costs effort and time and sometimes discomfort, with pleasant and useful returns many times over the cost. We all need love. We all deserve love.

by Anonymousreply 10609/26/2013

R106, you say "Sometimes you need people who love you to pull you out of that damn rabbit hole".

R106, your thinking is distorted and too rigid.

Many people have no one who loves them. It is quite common not to have anyone who loves a person.

The parents of some people are dead. Their siblings do not love them or the siblings are not geographically close at all or are distant.

You use of the word 'love' is so telling. Many people these days are misusing the word love.

Some people have no close friends, only acquaintances.

And friends so not usually 'love' a person. Love in a friendship is rare. You thinking that friends automatically love you is absurd and distorts the meaning of love. Friends come and go. Many times the connection is not deep.

People can go thru phases in life. The pattern you outline, R106, is not always possible.

by Anonymousreply 10709/26/2013

I am a weekend hermit and can easily come home from work on a Friday night and not leave my apt until I return to work on Mon a.m. (I might run out for a quick errand but that's it)

I know it's not healthy, but it is what it is. I have tried to find a hobby and make new connections but my depression always rears its head and says, "What's the point?" So I just revert to my old pattern on web surfing, reading, watching movies, and napping the weekend away.

I had an abusive upbringing and never was able to connect closely with people beyond a certain level. I hsve been single my entire adult life and rarely dated. I had roommates in the past that I got along well with, but they ultimately partnered up and moved on. I've lived alone the past 17 yrs and now can't imagine sharing a space with someone else.

That said, I'm not in the best health and had to make an ER run last year that thankfully turned out to be a non-issue. But it was depressing as hell to have no one to call and to take a cab home afterwards. (I have 2 close friends that I could have called but it was 2 am and I didn't want to wake them up)

I worry about what I'm going to do when I am elderly and don't have children to check in with me. I don't have much savings so the thought of ending up in a decrepit abusive nursing home with nobody checking on me scares the bejesus out of me. I'm seriously considering trying to find a euthanasia route if I find myself unable to take care of myself, savings depleted, and no one to lean on.

I'm painfully aware that it's up to me to create connections and that it does "take a village" where we all help each other out. I just can't seem to find the mojo to make friends in mid-life. Sorry for the Debbie Downer post. It just feels good to share.

by Anonymousreply 10809/26/2013

R106, you are very erroneously trying to link all people who have depression to those people going on to commit suicide?

Millions upon millions of people are depressed at any given time, and most of them do not have thoughts of suicide. Suicide is too extreme.

They are just depressed, not suicidal.

Your thinking really is distorted, R106, must too rigid, and not based on accuracy.

by Anonymousreply 10909/26/2013

Most all clinically depressed people have experienced suicidal thoughts or ideation. It is like releasing steam from a pressure valve and serves a psychologically sound purpose.

by Anonymousreply 11009/26/2013

I don't think suicide is appropriate. Not everyone is meant to be around people all of the time.

by Anonymousreply 11109/26/2013

Well, this thread is for people who choose to abandon society to the degree they choose.

This topic of this thread is not geared toward the clinically depressed, R110.

This thread is about voluntary abandonment of society to whatever degree one chooses and the pluses and positives of that choice.

There is one poster who keeps insisting that abandonment of society to whatever degree one chooses will automatically result in depression and automatically result in thoughts of suicide.

This same poster is very uncomfortable with limited interaction with people and wants everyone else to feel the same way he does which is uncomfortability having limited action with people.

Talk of suicide on this thread is highly absurd.

by Anonymousreply 11209/26/2013

I was speaking of suicidal thoughts, not acts r111. It is well known that many depressed people have suicidal ideas at times, as a way to get through the day. These feelings should not go unchecked, but they are not uncommon. There is not always an answer. Some people are not loved by anyone, and some don't feel it anymore even if it is there. Darkness visible. The night is a comfort, the day an okay rebuke.

I believe in a persons right to take their own life. It can be a very selfish act, and a long term solution to a short term problem, but we have the right. In my worst times, this examined belief has given me comfort. The will to live is very strong, even for the miserable, wretched and suffering. Who does not know this?

Self imposed isolation - dealing with your broker, gourmet food delivery and purchases on-line, while avoiding friends and family is a choice, not a dilemma. It is not a healthy choice. There is likely something wrong, but who is to say or judge?

As many who are saved, that many will drown. To be able to speak of suicide keeps many people afloat.

by Anonymousreply 11309/26/2013

R108, I do not understand. You simultaneously say that you have two close friends, and that you have no close connections and no friends.

Which is it?

You say you're a hermit yet you say you have two close friends who you could have called before, during, or after your emergency room visit.

If you have two close friends, why are you so worried about being alone in the future?

by Anonymousreply 11409/26/2013

"I also know, from having been there, the more I let myself go down the rabbit hole, the more difficult it was to interact with anyone. Science will also say..."

Just because something affected you a certain way doesn't make it automatically true for everyone.

And science does NOT say that every human being needs interaction with other humans to be content. "Science", as you put it, is where the term "schizoid" comes from.

And these scientific studies you're probably referring to are studies that say that maybe "most" people need interaction, or that people "in general" live longer if they have social networks. Well, what about all the children who are killed by their "social networks" (i.e., their parents)? What about people with partners who murder them? (When someone is killed, look first at the significant other)

I agree with the others - you don't seem able to imagine someone who isn't just like you, and therefore, are way too rigid. Different strokes for different folks. Peace out.

by Anonymousreply 11509/28/2013

[quote] I don't have much savings so the thought of ending up in a decrepit abusive nursing home with nobody checking on me scares the bejesus out of me. I'm seriously considering trying to find a euthanasia route if I find myself unable to take care of myself, savings depleted, and no one to lean on.

My partner and I are financially comfortable, but we don't have kids either. The thought of being old and alone and heading for a nursing home does not scare me. I would rather be dead than to end up in a nursing home. It's not a good way to live and I would rather leave the money to my nephew and niece and to causes I believe in.

I will put on some good music, open a couple bottles of wine and pop a lot of Xanax. Night, night.

by Anonymousreply 11609/28/2013

I would go live on a farm in the middle of nowhere if I could afford to

by Anonymousreply 11709/28/2013

Other than going to work, I am very limited socially by choice. People bug the shit out of me for the most part. I do, however, have 2 dogs, and I know for a fact if I fail to properly socialize them, they can become shy, nervous and/or aggressive around random people and other dogs. I can't help but wonder if it's also my duty to push myself out there and socialize myself.

by Anonymousreply 11809/28/2013

"I worry about what I'm going to do when I am elderly and don't have children to check in with me. I don't have much savings so the thought of ending up in a decrepit abusive nursing home with nobody checking on me scares the bejesus out of me."

Most people who have offspring, friends, partners, etc., still end up miserable and alone, if they live long enough. Dementia, immobility, isolation from most human contact (with people who respect and care about you), that's ahead for almost everyone who makes it much past 80 - or past the point where you are independent.

I don't think it does much good to worry about it until it happens, and it may not, if you keep your wits till the end - but such an end is not typically made any easier with social networks. They almost always fall away.

Maybe it would help you to feel better about things if you volunteered at nursing homes to just "be with" some of those people. But in any case, it's the price of a long life. (but I do agree that euthanasia should be a legitimate choice for those in misery of any kind, should they be coherent enough to make the choice, maybe even otherwise)

by Anonymousreply 11909/29/2013

If there were tons of kind, intellectually curious people out there, maybe interaction would be worth it. There isn't.

by Anonymousreply 12009/29/2013

You're right there, R120.

by Anonymousreply 12109/29/2013

Well said, R119.

I do not agree, though, R119, that most people end up miserable. They may end up alone, but certainly not automatically miserable.

Life has a lot to offer even for the elderly.

And I'm 66, so no need to think I am separated from this issue.

by Anonymousreply 12209/29/2013

I was happy between the ages of 14 and 25. This was partly (or perhaps, mainly) because my lifestyle and schedule allowed me to spend time with who I wanted, almost when I wanted. I could also enjoy being anonymous for periods of time, and have my alone-time everyday. Those were the best years of my life. Having a strict schedule has always been miserable to me. And worklife is just slow suicide. I wouldn't be surprised if I died from a heart attack someday and I'm only 35.

by Anonymousreply 12309/29/2013

And I really, really wonder how I could go back to that lifestyle again. I know I can't travel back in time.

by Anonymousreply 12409/29/2013

R123 Amen about work life being slow suicide. It's like if you don't have your personal life and relationships in order before you start working full time, odds are you won't make progress on that front at all if you work 40 hours a week unless you meet someone at work.

by Anonymousreply 12510/02/2013

All I do is sleep and work. Too tired for anything else. This is not a life!

by Anonymousreply 12610/03/2013

My spouse and I stay pretty much to ourselves and rarely go out and socialize, except for food shopping etc. We like being aloof as our neighbors are straight and we don't have much in common. However we will smile and say hello when we do see the. We do this out of economic necessity as overspending is our weakness so we have disciplined ourselves to stay at home.

by Anonymousreply 12710/03/2013

I had an aunt and uncle who kind of dropped out. (they still went to work but the rest of the time they pursued their hobbies)

I used to think they were weird but after they died I cleaned out their house and read they journals and they seemed very happy.

by Anonymousreply 12810/03/2013

Dropping out requires a nest egg, and somewhat being ok living without things like DSL, cable TV, new toys like a TV every five years or whatever.

by Anonymousreply 12910/03/2013

R129, that is not true. One can keep to oneself and still have fast internet and cable TV.

People can keep to oneself in one's free hours away from work still holding down a job and earning an income.

Or one can be retired and keep to oneself and certainly still have fast internet and cable TV.

by Anonymousreply 13010/03/2013
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