Allow me to start by saying that I have always identified as gay, and not only am I extremely happy being so, but I am in fact proud of it. I have always found my homosexuality to be a beautiful gift, rather than the burden that so many people believe or feel it can be, and I have always fully enjoyed it. My family and friends have always accepted me as such, and I have never associated anything negative to homosexuality. As I have said before, I think it's beautiful and wonderful, and I love identifying as gay.
However, over the past few months, I have started feeling more and more attracted towards women at a physical level. It isn't anything as intense or powerful as what I still feel for men, but it has become stronger over the last few months and, even though I strongly denied it, it has reached the point when it can neither be ignored. The issue is, I am NOT happy about it. I like being gay. I have always been so. Why is this happening to me? I don't want to be bisexual and I am unbelievably upset about these feelings, which I find repulsive at best.
I have always been rather biphobic, I must admit, and I have broken relationships and friendships as soon as i found out that people might even have been bisexual - which stems from the fact that I had some utterly awful experiences with bisexual men during my youth, and I have seen several of my dearest friends go through some painful and demeaning experiences with bisexuals themselves. Thus, I find it horrifying that, at the age of 31, I would start developing these completely unwanted feelings. I simply don't want to be attracted to women and no, I don't want to identify as bisexual or have anything to do with anyone who is. Still, I cannot deny that these feelings exist.
This is getting really uncomfortable and I have started to descend into self-hatred. I know that "conversion" therapies do not work, and I doubt that anything would be available to force oneself back into pure, exclusive homosexuality - however, I heartily wish there were, because I am finding it extremely difficult to deal with.
I know that some of you might kindly tell me to go to therapy to learn to accept and deal with this, but the fact is that I don't want to deal with it. I want these feelings to disappear AT ONCE. I am not only uncomfortable with them, but terribly unhappy and angry. I don't want to feel attracted to women, and I don't want to feel the shame of being something I despise with all my heart.
So please, could someone just be so kind to tell me that this is only transient and, hopefully, some sort of "anomaly" in my sexual development? I am being serious, and would be grateful if people did not take it as a joke; I am literally in tears as I write this, because I hate myself so much at the moment.
Please, help me in some way. I am at a loss as to what i can do to make these repulsive feelings go away.