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Dear Mary:

An advice column for gay men and women. Please post your questions, problems, and dilemmas about sex, relationships, morality, etiquette and all things gay here. I will answer respectfully.

by -Maryreply 4509/24/2013

Mary, why are you quite contrary?

by -Maryreply 109/21/2013

Allergies.

by -Maryreply 209/21/2013

How do you politely get out of fucking a fiber queen? They always have fetid residue.

In fact is there a nice way to be sure a man has douched first?

by -Maryreply 309/22/2013

R3, I say use a speculum. Tell him you have to play doctor and then take a long look before you go anywhere.

by -Maryreply 409/22/2013

Dear Mary, how do you not have this raging jealousy towards that farm girl Dorothy Gale? Gay men are more likely to be either blustering cunts or skittishly dainty, like you. We invoke your name with each other way more than that size 5, D-width goody two shoes. Do you ever just want to grab her by her pigtails and shove her face hard into your Munchkinland?

by -Maryreply 509/22/2013

Quite contrary indeed!

by -Maryreply 609/22/2013

Dear Miss Mary: I wore my skin tight white jeans last night, and I was told that was a no-no, something about after Labor Day. I have taken to my bed from all the catty comments. Please tell me those bitches were wrong. Thanks

by -Maryreply 709/22/2013

Dear Mary:

Tell me have you seen the marvelous breadfish?

by -Maryreply 809/22/2013

[quote]How do you politely get out of fucking a fiber queen? They always have fetid residue.

Dear Heart:

Simply say you have morning chores to do and while you would love to have relations, it is best that you focus on your chores - that where will always be time for the two of you to be alone. Then never call again.

[quote]In fact is there a nice way to be sure a man has douched first?

A travel sized box of Q-Tips is all you need to discreetly 'test' your partner before relations.

Sincerely,

-Mary

by -Maryreply 909/22/2013

[quote]Dear Mary, how do you not have this raging jealousy towards that farm girl Dorothy Gale? Gay men are more likely to be either blustering cunts or skittishly dainty, like you. We invoke your name with each other way more than that size 5, D-width goody two shoes. Do you ever just want to grab her by her pigtails and shove her face hard into your Munchkinland?

Dear Heart:

Who?

Sincerely

-Mary

by -Maryreply 1009/22/2013

Dear Mary,

I was always told that a very high fiber diet would keep my mangina clean, fresh, and free of unwanted debris. Now after reading R3 I'm feeling faint. Fetid? Oh, dear! Please tell me the bitter truth.

by -Maryreply 1109/22/2013

[quote]Dear Miss Mary: I wore my skin tight white jeans last night, and I was told that was a no-no, something about after Labor Day. I have taken to my bed from all the catty comments. Please tell me those bitches were wrong. Thanks

Dear Heart:

It wasn't so much that they were white, as you tried to squeeze a sized 42 bottom in a sized 32 pant.

Sincerely

-Mary

by -Maryreply 1209/22/2013

Your mangina smells like the marvelous breadfish R12.

by -Maryreply 1309/22/2013

[quote]I was always told that a very high fiber diet would keep my mangina clean, fresh, and free of unwanted debris. Now after reading [R3] I'm feeling faint. Fetid? Oh, dear! Please tell me the bitter truth.

Dear Heart:

A high fiber diet should keep you clean, but it will not keep you fresh. Carry a discreet container of Cottonelle Freshwipes in your purse. Two quick swishes and you will be ready for those intimate moments with your mister in no time.

Sincerely

-Mary

by -Maryreply 1409/22/2013

I am a gay male in my 60's. Three years ago I married my best friend of a dozen years. She is my wife because she is a woman. I married her because she has no SS benefits coming because she was always self employed and struggled at survival. She is eligible to draw off me and if something happens to me she gets it all.

6 months ago we had a fatal falling out that I instigated. I finally realized what a drag she was on my life. I was her whipping boy. There is no reconciliation and I want to divorce her. I have no one else to leave my estate to yet want to divorce her. I just can't seem to get the motivation to go to the trouble.

WHAT SHOULD I DO, please Mary........???

by -Maryreply 1509/22/2013

[quote]I am a gay male in my 60's. Three years ago I married my best friend of a dozen years. She is my wife because she is a woman. I married her because she has no SS benefits coming because she was always self employed and struggled at survival. She is eligible to draw off me and if something happens to me she gets it all.

[quote]6 months ago we had a fatal falling out that I instigated. I finally realized what a drag she was on my life. I was her whipping boy. There is no reconciliation and I want to divorce her. I have no one else to leave my estate to yet want to divorce her. I just can't seem to get the motivation to go to the trouble.

Dear Heart:

Guuurrrllll!

Sincerely,

-Mary

by -Maryreply 1609/22/2013

Dear Mary,

What is the best way for a queer woman to tell people to mind their own business, when they inquire about her sexuality for no other reason but to spread gossip?

by -Maryreply 1709/22/2013

[quote]What is the best way for a queer woman to tell people to mind their own business, when they inquire about her sexuality for no other reason but to spread gossip?

Dear Heart:

They will stop inquiring when you grow your hair out, get rid of the Ford F150 and put on some mascara. And remember if they're gossiping about you that means you matter. Worry when they stop gossiping about you.

Sincerely,

-Mary

by -Maryreply 1809/22/2013

Dear Mary,

I have a friend who INSISTS on substituting grape tomatos for cherry tomatos in her salads AFTER Labor Day!

Needless to say, such a guffaw invites icy consternation at her luncheons from the other guests.

What can I do to tactfully explain to her that this is simply not done in the Hamptons?

Je t'adore!

by -Maryreply 1909/22/2013

Here's what R20 says about the poor:

[quote]Actually, many of us ARE better than these parasites.

by -Maryreply 2009/22/2013

I know this is a joke thread, but:

What should someone do when they are ready to give up? I have miserable and empty for more than 20 years. I have been to several different doctors and tried several different types of therapy and every anti-depressant you can name.

There was no major traumatic event - just a lifetime of loneliness, emptiness and misery. I have tried and, for some reason, just can't build any friendships. I have gone back and asked, and have never gotten an answer why people are mean to me and don't like me. My doctors insist I have just met a lot of mean, abusive people - but there is nothing wrong with me. Then why does everyone I meet shit all over me? If I had an answer - that I was weird, I smelled bad, I was too needy or controlling - then at least, I would have some answer. But no, I have never gotten any reason why people just can't stand to be around me.

I have been abstinent for 10 years and have no sex drive left; ED eliminates any possibility for intimacy, so I can't even have that anymore.

I just don't understand what is wrong with me....

by -Maryreply 2109/22/2013

[quote]What can I do to tactfully explain to her that this is simply not done in the Hamptons?

Dear Heart:

The Hamptons? Is that a place? Write again, when you wish to discuss Newport or Watch Hill.

Sincerely

-Mary

by -Maryreply 2209/22/2013

[quote]What should someone do when they are ready to give up? I have miserable and empty for more than 20 years. I have been to several different doctors and tried several different types of therapy and every anti-depressant you can name.

Dear Heart:

You're going to wrong doctors. Seek help before it's too late.

Sincerely,

Mary

by -Maryreply 2309/22/2013

MARY!

by -Maryreply 2409/23/2013

R22,

Sounds like you need a therapist more than a doc.

by -Maryreply 2509/23/2013

Picture of r22.

by -Maryreply 2609/23/2013

@R26: They have all been psychiatrists/psychotherapists (7 different ones over 15 years).

@R24: Thanks; as strange as this sounds, right now I don't really have the will to try a new doctor again. I know I am kind of stuck; not getting any better, but not willing to try anything different either.

by -Maryreply 2709/23/2013

R22,

Do something to help others. Volunteer at a charity: an animal shelter, a food kitchen, anything. If think about others' problems, you sometimes forget your own. It's a start.

by -Maryreply 2809/23/2013

R26,

Did they give you any feedback on why people might treat you as they do? Presumably you spoke to them in depth about your relationships with family, friends, other people. What did they say?

Do you know any moderately nice people that you could ask for a gentle "critique" of the way you come across and why you might be turning people off?

by -Maryreply 2909/23/2013

R29: Thanks. I did look at volunteering at PWA. In the interview, they ask why you want to volunteer there. I (foolishly) said because I thought it would help me with social skills and my depression. The lady was really nice, but explained they really want volunteers who have a personal connection to PWA, and whose objective it is to help the charity (rather than the other way around). The concern was that I would not be committed to staying if volunteering did not meet my personal expectations, and their cost of training new volunteers/replacements.

I guess I could try a different charity and just lie.

R30: Yes, a lot of this is rooted in my relationship with my family. They were never really physically abusive but pretty toxic mean people. I don't think it was because I was gay....my brother and sister were treated just as bad. But my brother and sister were in turn just as bad with each other - and to me - so I have always felt alone. We haven't spoken/seen each other in more than 10 years (though, to be honest, I am glad. I would prefer never seeing them again, as I have nothing to say to them....I honestly don't really know either of them at all).

I have from time to time asked people what is wrong with me....I get the shocked, awkward "Oh No!" look in their eyes, and the phoniest "Nothing! You're a wonderful person!" from them. I don't think I really know anyone well enough to get an honest answer to that question.

But thanks

by -Maryreply 3009/23/2013

[quote] I have from time to time asked people what is wrong with me....I get the shocked, awkward "Oh No!" look in their eyes, and the phoniest "Nothing! You're a wonderful person!" from them.

You can't spring a question like that on a person without a lengthy preamble that explains to them why you're asking--ie to help with your own personal issues, self-awareness--and then let them answer by email or letter.

Or--and I think this may be even better than a therapist--why don't you hire an escort for an hour to have lunch with you and give you some pointers at how you come across, what you can improve on, etc. I have read that there are male escorts who specialize in coaching men who have body issues/emotional issues.

by -Maryreply 3109/23/2013

I never even thought of an escort....but your suggestion makes a lot of sense. Though I would be a bit afraid of getting arrested (I know that's probably unlikely), but your idea really sounds good - and something I never tried or even thought of.

Many thanks (to all who replied).

by -Maryreply 3209/23/2013

MARY!

by -Maryreply 3309/23/2013

R22,

There's a website with escort reviews, called daddyreviews.com, that has a lot of info and a lively forum. Ask there who are the best in your area for coaching through body/self-esteem issues. You'll get a lot of advice.

by -Maryreply 3409/23/2013

r22 Check out the local gay newspaper, there's always clubs, groups, outings, events etc. that might be to your liking? Try out several. You're bound to meet like-minded folks, and perhaps they can help you in your quest. Be prepared to give of yourself, and also have a great time doing it. A positive attitude can work wonders. Don't dwell on your past, get ready to open a new chapter of your life. Let us know how you get on.

by -Maryreply 3509/23/2013

R22, I can really relate. I think that a life coach, who also came from a toxic family and yet somehow learned how to form close friendships, would offer better guidance. I've tried volunteering and only became stressed, after having to listen to others chronically complain about their unhappy situation.

Perhaps the biggest issue is to learn how to judge who will be a positive, healthy person in one's life vs who will just take advantage of our good will.

by -Maryreply 3609/23/2013

Mary,

Is there ANYTHING you can do for me?

by -Maryreply 3709/23/2013

Mary,

Have you seen Ginny?

by -Maryreply 3809/23/2013

Mary,

What can I do about all that yellow waxy build-up in the corners of my kitchen floor?

by -Maryreply 3909/23/2013

Dear Mary,

I'm an insatiable bottom. Any advice?

by -Maryreply 4009/23/2013

R22. Wishing you the best. Don't give up.

by -Maryreply 4109/24/2013

r22 - A lot of good suggestions, but on the practical, quick fix side: Get a puppy that suits your lifestyle! Take your pup to some classes. I did that when I was depressed (in addition to counselling) and it was great. Plus I met a lot of people through agility & other stuff like that. Dog sport people are generally not a glamourous lot, but they are very kind and accepting.

by -Maryreply 4209/24/2013

Poor, Mary. We seem to have overwhelmed her - in less than 50 posts!

by -Maryreply 4309/24/2013

Can I have her stuff?

by -Maryreply 4409/24/2013
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