Non Supportive Friends
I seemed to have stirred a hornets nest tonight with a bunch of my friends.
I'm an amateur photographer. In the past couple of years I've gotten into a bunch of shows. Tonight was number 8.
Before each show I invite my friends personally and also put something up on Facebook. In the past 7 times, nobody has ever shown up.
This time I didn't bother because nobody ever comes.
Wile I was at the show I posted a photo of my photo that won best in show. This apparently has pissed off a number of my friends because I didn't invite them to come.
None of them seem to give a crap that they've ha d plent y of opportunities to come to the past sows. They tell me they are coming and they don't show.
Should I punch and delete?
|by Anonymous||reply 57||09/22/2013|
Absolutely. You deserve better, so long as you've supported them in the past amd their indifference is unwarranted.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||09/10/2013|
Yes OP. They are selfish idiots.
|by Anonymous||reply 2||09/10/2013|
It's good that youze work with pitchers, since yooze an ulliterate doofus.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||09/10/2013|
Why do you care? They obviously don't. Some people only like to be invited so they can reject you. You didn't give them the opportunity. Ignore them like they've ignored you. They're not your friends.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||09/10/2013|
These are flakes, not friends, OP. P & D.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||09/11/2013|
Yes you should punch and delete, because they were never your friends to begin with. The only reason they gave a fuck now is because you won this time. REAL friends would actually give a damn whether or not you win and would've supported you in the past.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||09/11/2013|
punch and delete; sounds like they just wanted to be around a winnner.
I don't mean that the way it sounded, but you mentioned when you won they bitched about not knowing it.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||09/11/2013|
People are self absorbed and are busy.
Several times a year I act in little plays. I put up a notice on Facebook announcing this. A few friends attend.
Many of the others will ask chronically ask me, "Are you going to be in something?"
I've gotten used to neutrally responding.
It is disappointing that one's friends are often not supportive of one's creative endeavors but one get's used to it and enjoys the feeling of accomplishment.
Put up with the friends you're actually close to and drift from the rest.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||09/11/2013|
These are the same friends you've invited before? Just say you've invited them before and after a few no-shows you just stopped asking.
The real test will be your next show.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||09/11/2013|
OP, how much do you support THEIR artistic, personal, and professional efforts?
Because look, I've been on both sides of the "support my show" question, and FYI asking anyone to attend eight shows is a massive imposition. Plus, I'm sure these shows come after many other importunities. Have you done so much for them, that they should knock themselves out now?
|by Anonymous||reply 12||09/11/2013|
Did they really get pissed at you for not inviting them or are they just saying it? I wouldn't overreact over this. People have their own lives, like you do, and everybody does what they want. Sure it would be nice to know that they support you, but do they know you "need" their support or do they think that you're showing off? Or do they just think that this is YOUR thing, your own hobby, like the ones they have in their own privacy. If your friends are not in the art circles photography shows might be intimidating to some of them.
One can't really tell from your post what everybody should think about this whole thing. If they are your close friends then you can easily tell them that you are a bit pissed off for them not coming even once to your show. If you feel that you are not close enough for express such feelings then they sound like a bit distant buddies and them not showing up doesn't really mean anything.
Probably your friends don't know how much it all means to you, but if you told them they might come to your next show. It all just sounds like a miscommunication where they don't see your shows as a big deal.
Of course another option is that all your friends are narcissists who are playing you.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||09/11/2013|
[quote]Seriously, a Facebook invite is like tossing an envelope out a window. Most people don't even look at them. I get dozens a day. It's like spam.
OP said he asked them personally.
He also posted his photo-of-a-photo on Facebook. They managed to read that.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||09/11/2013|
Whatever. Facebook is a cascading parade of self-promotion. People click Like and Join on anything.
Handwritten invitations or flyers, perhaps?
But seeing what an illiterate OP is, that might be a tough task.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||09/11/2013|
Get over it , OP. If they really are such good friends of yours then why would you even consider deleting them from your life as if you were tossing out the garbage? Have you ever taken the time to let them know how thrilled you would be if they attended your show? Let them know in a gentle, non-confrontational way that you had hoped they would make it and that you felt a bit disappointed not to see them there AND that it would make you very happy if they would come to the next one. If most of these "friends" who never bother to attend your shows are actually just mere acquaintances, don't hold it against them. We all have our own life, full of pressures and difficulties. Have you been as attentive to your friends as you would like them to be to you? Hmmmmm?
|by Anonymous||reply 17||09/11/2013|
While, I probably shouldn't have posted this on my iPad, nobody read the part where I said in the past I sent personal invites (notecards made from my photography) to friends. I posted stuff on Facebook in hopes that maybe some Facebook friends might be interested in the shows.
I go to shows of other artist friends all the time. Several friends are writers and I've gone to readings and book launches for them, yet not one ever returned the favor.
I responded as much and told the friends who complained they weren't invited that I stopped inviting people because nobody ever came. This hasn't gone over well with most of them.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||09/11/2013|
[quote]None of them seem to give a crap that they've ha d plent y of opportunities to come to the past sows.
The sow is mine!
|by Anonymous||reply 19||09/11/2013|
I don't like this punch and delete thing. Why are we always so eager to throw people away?
I agree with we all have busy lives and don't always notice invites. Respond saying you invited them the last 7 times - when they never showed, you finally got the hint. haha Or figured they didn't want invites. Let it go at that.
Invite them in the future - just the ones who pointed it out. In June, I forgot to go to an important annual party I always attend. I was simply overwhelmed and forgot that day, which is the only time I ever see this friend. It happens. Your friends still probably like you and would come if they could swing it.
|by Anonymous||reply 20||09/11/2013|
Punch and delete. Friends, real friends, take the time to support each other its called RECIPROCITY.
I am an award winning artist, yeh big deal... made it my biz to go out of my way to support my friends who are artists, happily I attended their events over and over... 90% did not return the favor, over the course of a couple of years.
This past year has been the most peaceful ever, no phony user friends RECIPROCITY is the name of the game. Yes I punched deleted the phonies should have done it sooner.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||09/11/2013|
OP, didn't you have this same problem with singing contests at your local piano bar?
If not, take comfort in the fact that some people simply don't consider photography to be art. Too many steel bridges, bullwhips, and clock towers litter the walls of apartments and coffee shops.
Now, if you do something spectacular - like have a dwarf shit on your chest while a NYU student sews her pussy shut - perhaps they would show.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||09/11/2013|
These so-called friends are feeling bad, because they never attended your past shows. They've been served, so to speak, and don't like the feeling. It speaks to their own vanity, and how much they think of themselves, and not of you and others. Small potatoes, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||09/11/2013|
I understand the feeling, OP. Lately, I've felt that way, P&Ding certain family/friends. I don't know if this reaction is being misanthropic/immature, but I do it because keeping them on makes me feel worse. I'm the type of person who is REALLY there for a friend. I don't have much drama in life that's needed their support, except for 2 instances and the best they came up with was the equivalent of a facebook update. I've been there for them so many times; I get it, life can be busy and I don't mean to be keeping count, but it does hurt that the rare times I need them, they aren't there. I'm not angry, just disappointed as it makes me feel I invested love/friendship in the wrong people.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||09/11/2013|
Oh, honey, my policy is don't go to anyone's show unless it has a chance of being genuinely interesting.
You're putting too much stock in what people write on facebook. Saying "aww why didn't you invite me" takes all of four seconds to type. Less effort than actually schlepping to a gallery and necking cheap wine while morose looking women dressing 20 years too old stand around and discuss other shows they've been to.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||09/11/2013|
Punch and delete. They had chances to come and didn't. Hopefully you will become more successful with your photography and make new (genuine)friends!
|by Anonymous||reply 26||09/11/2013|
Make new friends. No, really. Talk to the people who are actually at your shows. You'll find life better. Ditch the all-talk-no-action people. I give that last bit of advice to everyone, not just artistic types like yourself.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||09/11/2013|
My last show sold out. Some of my friends were unable to get tickets.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||09/11/2013|
facebook creates a false reality of interest to begin with people liking and sharing shit they don't even look at because they want you to do the same with their shit when they post it.
I think you have to be judicious about what you invite people to and what your expectations are. It is time consuming and sometimes costly to attend other people's events.
Also keep in mind if you are in the arts and you are succeeding many of your peers might be invested in ignoring your success because it makes them feel less accomplished.
It is fucked up but it is easier to "forget" to acknowledge someone's accomplishments if they outstrip your own.
This is a character defect MOST people have at some point in their lives if not all the time and most would never even admit to having the agenda of ignoring other people's accomplishments.
Imagine a group of fat friends on FB trying to drop a significant amount of weight. You will see three hundred likes and all kinds of supportive comments if someone drops 1 lb. but if one of the group is 100 lbs lighter, gets the man/woman of their dreams and a great job, the attention will dwindle.
People can accept a level of success that doesn't threaten them.
Consider the lack of attention for success as a kind of compliment and just adjust your expectations.
When one person succeeds above a group there is a dynamic change and people have to adjust or drop away.
|by Anonymous||reply 29||09/11/2013|
Sounds as though your friends are being somewhat passive aggressive, claiming "I would have come," to establish what good friends they are, despite historical evidence that they're not.
Sometimes it's easier to make new friends than to overcome baggage with people who weren't so close to begin with.
And as for [quote]Now, if you do something spectacular - like have a dwarf shit on your chest while a NYU student sews her pussy shut - perhaps they would show.
Talk about a coincidence! Well, either somebody's got a big mouth, or R22 is a really lucky guesser.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||09/11/2013|
This is why I have no friends. Because people suck. I have been let down one too many times to even care anymore.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||09/11/2013|
People resent getting Facebook invites, and they resent being asked to take Facebook invites seriously.
In fact, OP, you've pissed off no one. Not one of your friends is truly offended at not having been invited. Whether out of some misdirected sense of generosity or just a general air of bitchiness, they thought it would be a dramatic gesture to feign offense at not being invited. It means nothing. They're "over it" already because they were never upset in the first place. In that last respect, at least, you can take a Facebook page from your Facebook Friends and not get take it too much to heart.
If you really want your friends to attend something, invite them properly, as if it actually means something to you.
Facebook invites are better left to commercial and non-profit events, not for real events where an invitation received is an invitation that must be taken seriously.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||09/11/2013|
[quote]Now, if you do something spectacular - like have a dwarf shit on your chest while a NYU student sews her pussy shut - perhaps they would show.
It's been done.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||09/11/2013|
What part of "I sent personal invitations" are you people not getting?
Does your hate for Facebook diminish your ability to read and comprehend?
|by Anonymous||reply 34||09/11/2013|
[quote] This is why I have no friends. Because people suck. I have been let down one too many times to even care anymore.
Yeah, and you're not at fault AT ALL.
|by Anonymous||reply 35||09/11/2013|
OP, just tell your friends the same thing you said here. You invited them to the first 7 shows and no one showed up so you figured no one was interested.
And honestly, don't get bent out of shape if they're not interested. It's you hobby, not theirs.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||09/11/2013|
It's unrealistic to expect all your friends to share all your interests. Sharing/celebrating your success is what friends do, and maybe they're feeling a bit guilty that they may not have lived up to that. I wouldn't punch/delete them. Contact them and explain why you stopped inviting them, and ask if they are genuinely interested in attending any future exhibitions. And if you truly consider they are your friends, concentrate on the things you have in common that made you friends in the first place.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||09/11/2013|
OP: Never audition for friends. It's too needy.
Just do what you do and if they want to show up, great.
But remember: Withholding approval is like heroin to some unhappy queens.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||09/11/2013|
R11 makes the most sense.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||09/11/2013|
R38 is correct.
It's too bad we can't just buy friends.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||09/11/2013|
I'd rather spend time with my pets than most people I know.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||09/11/2013|
R41: That's because you have total control over pets -- and they can't call you on your shit.
|by Anonymous||reply 42||09/11/2013|
"Now, if you do something spectacular - like have a dwarf shit on your chest while a NYU student sews her pussy shut - perhaps they would show."
Coming up on Project Runway!
|by Anonymous||reply 43||09/11/2013|
They sound like assholes OP, assholes that are only interested now that you have had a success. Not worth bothering with.
|by Anonymous||reply 44||09/11/2013|
I never expected my friends to have the same interests as me. I tend to hang around with creative people and over the years have gone to just about every kind of event immaginable. I did it to support my friends and their endeavors. I had hoped that I'd get the same consideration from people who I called friends.
After the last event I decided that I'd stop spending the money getting cards made up to promote the shows and to stop inviting people over and over who would tell me they come and then not show
My telling the one friend why I stopped sending out invites is even more PO'd since a number of friends from out of town have told him he was being a dick about it. He's a local playwright and I won't be going to any more of his plays.
The only good to come of all of this drama is this afternoon a local gallery who has shown my work in the past called me to discuss putting together a solo show for next summer because of the best in show I got last night.
|by Anonymous||reply 45||09/11/2013|
[quote]I don't like this punch and delete thing. Why are we always so eager to throw people away?
The DLers who say it are 100 years old and don't have any friends, that's why.
|by Anonymous||reply 46||09/11/2013|
"People can accept a level of success that doesn't threaten them...."
R29: Marry me, please! You and R38 are preaching the gospel.
Trust and believe, OP. If you are succeeding in the creative community--selling paintings, winning awards, getting magazine assignments or publishing fiction, poems, etc--you will find that "friends" will celebrate your success. And fewer "friends" in your creative field will discuss/link/mention your work and success on social media. It threatens them so they pretend to ignore it.
It's a compliment, OP. It's like walking in a room and looking drop-dead gorgeous. Everyone will become speechless ... but gradually return to their conversations. But they know you are in the room.
Congrats on your success. You'll do better by associating with other creative people who are also movers and shakers.
|by Anonymous||reply 47||09/11/2013|
OP, it's your hobby; it's interesting to you, not necessarily to others. 8 shows is a *lot* to expect anyone except family members (if you're close with your family) or your very closest friends to attend. Get over yourself.
It's great that you go to your friends' events. That's your way of being supportive, but it's not the only way. And it doesn't sound like you're actually doing it to be supportive, it sounds more like you do it because you hope for reciprocity. Or maybe it's an enjoyable outing for you.
Anyway, don't set up 'tests' for your friends as if there's only one way to be a friend.
|by Anonymous||reply 48||09/11/2013|
OP list your next event on DL so we can come to support you rather than those idiot "friends"!
|by Anonymous||reply 49||09/11/2013|
Of course, the other side of the coin is the awkwardness of being invited by people who don't realize the aren't talented.
|by Anonymous||reply 50||09/12/2013|
R47 is correct OP. "You'll do better by associating with other creative people who are also movers and shakers."
|by Anonymous||reply 51||09/19/2013|
If you are now operating in the creative arts, it's time to accept that friends are a thing of the past.
|by Anonymous||reply 52||09/19/2013|
Perhaps they don't like your art and are trying to be polite.
|by Anonymous||reply 53||09/20/2013|
How much time do you spend with them doing other activities?
|by Anonymous||reply 54||09/20/2013|
R48, he didn't expect people to attend 8 shows. He said they've had 8 opportunities and didn't take any of them. I'd be annoyed as well. I have several artist friends and always attend their shows. I usually talk with interesting people there.
That said, R9 and R27 have good points. Keep the ones you like for your common interests and try to make some new friends connected with your art.
|by Anonymous||reply 55||09/20/2013|
People are often so clueless. I had somebody confront me about how I never invite him to my dinner parties. (I don't have dinner parties BTW...I think he just assumes everyone is having a life like Noel Coward or something)
I said I invited you to this, and to that, and listed about 5 things and said you never came to any and have NEVER invited me anywhere ever! It was like his eyes rolled back into his head and he just couldn't compute the truth. I decided not to invite him anywhere until he invites me somewhere....you guessed it. Haven't seen him in like 2 years!
|by Anonymous||reply 56||09/20/2013|
You just know the original poster is fat.
|by Anonymous||reply 57||09/22/2013|