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My Mom is dying

She's 85. She's been sick for a number of years (diabetes, then heart disease) and her body is apparently in the process of simply shutting down. Her heart, her lungs, her kidneys. Her doctor says she's in pretty bad shape and getting worse. She has days, weeks, maybe months to live. It'll be either her heart or her kidneys that give out. Her death will be an easy one, he says.

For her part she's being very philosophical about it all. She knows she's had a good long life and is grateful for that. She doesn't want to leave us, but she sees that it's out of her hands so she's simply accepting it. She's signed a Do Not Resuscitate Order and has refused any medical intervention such as dialysis and life support. All she wants is the meds that keep her going and comfortable.

My 92 year old father is, naturally, quite upset but also philosophical. He's also grateful that they had a good long life together and knows that it had to end some day. He's unwell too and I don't think he'll be around too much longer either.

They both live in a full-care senior's home. All of their practical and medical needs are taken care of for them. My sisters pop in on them regularly to take care of everything else and just to visit and talk with them (I live on the other side of the country)

I know she's old, but it still hurts. It's not tragic or horrible or unnatural. It's just what happens to people when they live that long. But it still hurts.

My siblings and I have a lot to be thankful for, certainly. And we'll miss them both terribly when they're gone. But we'll have happy memories of them.

I'm not sure why I'm telling Datalounge (of all people) this. I'm actually keeping this pretty private in my real life. I haven't talked about it with anyone except my partner and my siblings. I feel like this is mine and I want to hold it close for a while. I don't want to share it until I have to.

Does that even make sense?

by Anonymousreply 10112/13/2013

Yes, it makes sense.. It's often a bother to tell others. So emotional, and too many questions, and people feeling sorry for you, etc.

I'm sorry you're going through this. I'm glad you have a partner and sibling to lean on and share with right now.

by Anonymousreply 109/05/2013

[quote]I feel like this is mine and I want to hold it close for a while. I don't want to share it until I have to. Does that even make sense?

Of course it does. Just prepare for the inevitable snarkiness or outright hurtful comments that will probably make it to this thread. A site dedicated to gossip and bitchery is probably not the best place to look for a supportive audience, so you might reconsider whether to share this situation with real world friends. Just talking about this with someone face to face can really help you to endure.

You need to resign yourself that some painful times are ahead. As difficult as it might be, try to remind yourself that you will get through this, and that your life will go on. All things, including bad times and suffering, are impermanent. You will be in my thoughts & meditations.

by Anonymousreply 209/05/2013

Don't confide your thoughts and feelings to most people. They won't understand that even though aged parents have lived a long life, their loss will still hurt a loving child. Just love your mother and cherish the time you have left.

by Anonymousreply 309/05/2013

((Hugs)) OP

Going through the death of someone close is the most painful thing.

But, it shelived a good long time and was loved. The best we all can hope for.

I read somewhere its not a tradegy when someone old dies, just sad.

by Anonymousreply 409/05/2013

Christ, R4, you're insensitive and stupid.

[quote] But, it shelived a good long time and was loved. The best we all can hope for.

What is she, a dog? No, "she lived a long life" isn't really the appropriate thing to say to OP. A loss is a loss.

[quote] I read somewhere its not a tradegy when someone old dies, just sad.

It's a tragedy when someone can't spell correctly.

It's not up to you to decide how significant anyone's pain is, you insensitive piece of shit. Go learn some manners (and spelling and grammar, while you're at it).

by Anonymousreply 509/05/2013

Can you take off some time to be with her, OP? You won't ever regret taking the time to physically be with her as she departs this earthly plain.

Losing a parent is a very long, heartbreaking process. You should give yourself time to grieve and to take care of yourself. A grief support group might be helpful if you need it. And yes, as someone else posted, don't bother sharing too much with those not that close to you. Most people don't want to deal with those thoughts and feelings.

by Anonymousreply 609/05/2013

Your feelings do credit to you and your parents, OP. I hope you will all be able to fully express your love for each other in the months to come.

by Anonymousreply 709/05/2013

I went through the same thing several years ago, OP, and my heart, and thoughts, are with you. Thankfully, your mother seems ready to go.Share everything with her right now , & encourage her to talk about her life, people in it, her childhood, her feelings. I found during my mother's final 2 bedridden months, she opened up and shared stories about family members, her views of life,etc., and we were able to show her how much she was loved, and appreciated. It's an intense, sad time, yes, but use it as a period to give her a final, loving embrace - metaphorically speaking. You have an opportunity that many people don't get, when a loved one passes away instantly, by accident, or in their sleep . You get to have a final, concious, loving goodbye.

by Anonymousreply 809/05/2013

[quote]Can you take off some time to be with her, OP?

That's what I'm trying to figure out now. I spent a week with them this past July and had planned to go again at Christmas. But when I spoke to my Mom yesterday she said she wanted to see me at least one more time before she dies. She's worried I'll get fired if I take time off to visit. LOL.

Of course I'm willing to go, soon if needed. I can afford it and I can take the time off. I'm going to speak to my sisters about what the best thing is to do. I was thinking I could go out for a weekend and we could have a mini family reunion with our parents. Our last, probably. The I would come again when shes dies and again at Christmas so my Dad's not alone.

That's a lot of travel in a short time period, but what choice is there, really?

Otherwise I would have to go when the end was nigh and hopefully get there in time. But the end is already nigh. We just don't know exactly what the date of the end is. I'd rather see her now when she's upright and functional than when she's in a hospital bed and heavily medicated.

I've been on Datalounge a long time and I know to expect the inevitable snarky and mean responses. I'm tough. I can take it. But writing this all out and posting it to a bunch of strangers is strangely therapeutic.

by Anonymousreply 909/05/2013

OP, does your mother have nice stuff?

by Anonymousreply 1009/05/2013

Most people in your life will appreciate your being open and discussing it with them. It allows others to open up and not feel stigmatized about discussing it.

Most people have been through this and will empathize with you.

Sorry for your situation. My mother is 81 and had a stroke two years ago. It's been difficult but I talk to my friends and have gotten great support.

by Anonymousreply 1109/05/2013

I think you should go as soon as possible, if she dies you will regret having waited too long. If she specifically said she wants to see you once more before she dies you absolutely have to make it a priority. Hurry!

by Anonymousreply 1209/05/2013

Shut up r5

You obnoxious bitch

by Anonymousreply 1309/05/2013

I recently went through this, OP, except my mother's illness lasted an unexpectedly short while. She was surrounded by loving family, but we were too occupied keeping her pain at bay to hear those last untold stories or ask the unanswered questions. Go soon, and allow as much time with her as you can. Also plan to take time off to be with your father as soon as she dies. Many people have conflicted relationships with their parents; if you don't, consider yourself lucky and above all make the time for them while they are living. Serious advice.

by Anonymousreply 1409/06/2013


Been through this with my father. Luckily you have your siblings to help you and support you. While I have siblings, they were neither helpful or supportive during my father's illness.

I totally hear you on not sharing stuff like this with friends -- vast majority of my friends didn't know my father was on his way out until the very end. I always felt "odd" talking about it - like I was looking for sympathy or something? I don't know - I'm sure it stems from some ingrained Catholic guilt coupled with the Old School reserve. Just share what you want, when you want and with whom you want.

I echo what the others say - go and see your Mother as soon as possible. I actually wound up leaving work to take care of my father during his final illness -- financially ruinous, yes; but a decision I never regretted. If you have the money, have the vacation time, do it -- life it too short to regret anything.

Again - *hugs* and be get online and book that ticket.

by Anonymousreply 1509/06/2013

Thank you for all the very kind replies. They've been helpful, believe it or not.

My Mom was taken into the hospital yesterday. Bowel issues and shortness of breath. The doctors there said that her heart and kidneys are failing. But we already knew that. They're doing more tests and we'll know more in a day or two what's happening and what to expect. One of my sisters was there with her last night and said she was resting comfortably. She said that Mom also said that if it's her time to go, she's ready to die and isn't afraid.

But she may very well be released and come home.

I spoke with my sisters about coming out and they said that it might be best to wait at this point until we know more about what's going on and what to expect. That coming out now might be a bit dramatic and weird. "I'm here to watch you die. Now DIE!" kind of thing. They have all decided that they would carry on with life like she is going to live forever. That's the advice her doctor gave her as well. Yes, you're dying, but live every day as though you're not.

So what it comes down to is that it's a wait and see situation. We need to see what happens in the next few days before I make any decisions about flying out. I'm prepared to drop everything and go if I have to though.

So there you go.

by Anonymousreply 1609/09/2013

And I'm still not talking to anyone about this. I just don't feel like sharing this until she actually dies.

I've been cancelling social engagements this week as well and giving vague reasons. I'm a bit too emotional and distracted and don't feel like hearing about someone else's nonsense problems.

by Anonymousreply 1709/09/2013

OP, I have been in your position and I would recommend going NOW. My mother was in a similar "wait and see" situation, got admitted to the hospital for something relatively minor, was discharged and died within the week. NOBODY, including her doctors, predicted that timeline. Family held back on flying out to see her to avoid the death-watch message. Big mistake, as it deprived some of us of the few days that she was fully lucid. We all knew her death was coming in the vaguely-near future, yet were left spinning by her abrupt passing.

Please do yourself a favor and get out there. Even if your mother hangs on for a while, give yourself the chance to be involved in her care and to have those conversations you didn't realize you needed. Both those things will mean a lot to her now, and will help you deal with her passing. Distance now will make it harder later. Trust me on that.

by Anonymousreply 1809/09/2013

Hugs, OP. I agree with R6. Take some time to do what you need to do for yourself and for her. She sounds like she has a lot of love around her and I'm glad for her for that.

by Anonymousreply 1909/09/2013

Hugs to you, Op. You should definitely try and visit your Mom as soon as you can.

by Anonymousreply 2009/09/2013

OP: I want to add that my mother was similarly philosophical--she just asked us to make sure she didn't suffer, and that she not be hooked up to machines or subjected to drastic measures to prolong her life. Yet in the last days she intermittently afraid. She told us so, and it meant a lot that we were around to reassure her, to comfort her, and to ease her pain immediately rather than wait for medical personnel to act. Dying is a drawn-out process with minute changes, and the presence of loving, attentive caretakers makes a profound difference. I also can't overstate that being there for her now, and sharing the experience with your sisters, will help you later in ways you can't foresee. At least that was the case for me.

by Anonymousreply 2109/09/2013

OP, I'm actually most concerned for your dad. Make sure he's being given extra care. Given that he is older than she and that he's male, he may have assumed he'd pre-decease her so there may be many add'l emotions around this loss.

by Anonymousreply 2209/09/2013

I'm sorry, OP. I hope she doesn't suffer.

by Anonymousreply 2309/09/2013

[quote]I know she's old, but it still hurts.

And it will the rest of your life. It may become a pang but you will never stop mourning and missing the people that brought you into the world. Any milestone in your life, you miss them, but be grateful you have them so long in your life. The cruelest and most truthful words ever written is "Life Goes On".

by Anonymousreply 2409/09/2013

How are you doing, OP? How is your mother? Have you gone to visit yet?

by Anonymousreply 2509/18/2013

Hugs to you, OP. I can imagine the feeling when we had a medical scare ourselves.

by Anonymousreply 2609/18/2013

I heartedly recommend calling Hospice. They gave both her and me much comfort. Staff took better care of her with them around too.

by Anonymousreply 2709/18/2013

OP I hope you are with your mom.

by Anonymousreply 2809/18/2013

OP, we all face a trade off. If our parents die suddenly, when we're young, it's one sort of disaster. If they live long enough to be beset with horrible health issues, it's another. But at least in the latter situation, the offspring have had the pleasure of many years with the parent, for which it seems as though one winds up paying.

A friend's father was an eighty-seven year old painter who went with his girlfriend (okay, his female companion) to a show at the Metropolitan Museum (out of deference to midwesterners). On the way home, he tripped on a curb, never to wake up.

When his daughter called me to tell me, I'm afraid that what slipped out of my mouth was "Well, you know...." And she interrupted, "I DO know! I'm so happy for him!" Apparently, he had been talking for some years about how he didn't want to spend the end of his life like my mother, who was bedridden for a very, very long time. His late wife had died suddenly, nearly thirty years earlier. My friend observed that she had hardly been ready for her mother's death, but that it had begun to seem preferable to what her friends (including me) were going through with invalid parents.

Neither situation is good; this whole death thing is a lousy, lousy idea, making room for younger people, whom I don't like a whole lot better than the people who have died (my own kids excepted, of course. Of course).

by Anonymousreply 2909/18/2013

R29 gets a WW for wisdom. Now that's a DL rarity.

by Anonymousreply 3009/18/2013

OP, dear, we're all thinking of you with good wishes for getting through this transition in your parents' - and your - life with as much peaceful understanding and as little pain as is possible. Life is a gift for a time.

But, dear, don't say you this is yours and you want to keep it close for a while. Because you posted a long message here, and we'd rather you did the work to figure out why than shrug it off, leaving your thread a possible example of something you surely did not intend. You see, you might learn something about yourself, your feelings, your personality, and the situation you're actually in rather than the still-trying-to-control-it place your post actually could reflect.

Best of luck.

by Anonymousreply 3109/18/2013

Please follow 18's advice. Best to you!

by Anonymousreply 3209/18/2013

What r18 said. Go out there and spend some time with your mom while she's still aware. And not just a weekend.

by Anonymousreply 3309/18/2013

OP? How are you doing? Talk to us, please.

by Anonymousreply 3409/19/2013

Big hugs to you OP. Take good care of your dad as he struggles through this too.

by Anonymousreply 3509/19/2013

I hope you're doing OK, OP, and that you have been able to visit your mom. If I were a millionaire I'd buy you a plane ticket myself. It's really hard to be far away from your loved ones when they're ill, I know.

by Anonymousreply 3609/19/2013


by Anonymousreply 3709/22/2013

My mother is the only thing between me and a fatter bank account, the house I've always wanted and a jet. Dear lord she just keeps hanging on. I guess some gays have all the luck.

by Anonymousreply 3809/22/2013

Good luck OP - I'm on the threshold of having to go through this myself, and I am lost, lost, lost.

by Anonymousreply 3909/22/2013

My mother is dying, too.

For my Persian lemon roasted chicken recipe!

by Anonymousreply 4009/22/2013

I'm so sick of this death thing. If you're around my age, you went through it with your friends during the 80s.

Now I'm going through it with my Dad. He's a frightened angry Buddhist psychologist who's been a new ager his whole adult life, grabbing onto anything that would give him peace. But nothing really has. Even though he believes in alternative medicine and chakras and all that, he has the best doctors and suffers panic attacks over his fear of dying. He's 84 and not in the best of health. He has no money, is in deep debt, and I help him out when I can.

He has pushed all of his kids away, even me now, the one who moved out to my hometown to be "near" him (5 mins away). He has a wife who's 20 years younger and can't believe she has to spend her 60s looking after an old man she thought was strong, fit and rich. So she doesn't. She stays in their place in Arizona and we are called on to take care of him. I hate it. I hate her. I am beginning to hate him because he stands up for his (fourth) wife who really only wanted to be there for the good times.

Now that he's broke, sick and needy, she's gone. He's fallen and cut himself open numerous times. I've patched him up, taken him to the hospital, sat with him, wondering where the hell his wife was. "Don't you talk about my wife! Do you know I wouldn't be here if it wasn't for her?!"

Are we obligated to honor thy father? Even if he doesn't honor or respect the kids who are left to take care of him when he's driven everyone else away?

That's what I want to know.

by Anonymousreply 4109/22/2013

"My mother is dying, too. For my Persian lemon roasted chicken recipe!"

Christiane, you're such a cunt. Never did like you.

by Anonymousreply 4209/22/2013

R41 You're obliged to do the right thing so that when he's gone you'll be able to live in your skin peacefully. Treat him with the kindness you'd show a stranger and basta.

by Anonymousreply 4309/22/2013

R43, I'm not Italian.

by Anonymousreply 4409/22/2013

R44 Pretend

by Anonymousreply 4509/22/2013

Just remember this is all an illusion. Cherish life but realize that no one ever really dies and this is just a dream we wake up from.

by Anonymousreply 4609/22/2013

OP, I am so sorry.

by Anonymousreply 4709/22/2013

Hi, OP here.

So my Mom is still alive. She came home from the hospital and while not exactly better she's stable for now. They've adjusted her meds and given her new ones so hopefully that makes her feel better. It won't prolong her life, but maybe she'll be more comfortable. She has round the clock nursing care in the home where she and my Dad live so that's a huge burden lifted of the family.

I went out to visit last weekend for a few days. She was still struggling physically, but it was nothing of an urgent nature. She was also very emotional. More than usual. She hadn't been sleeping well so she was overtired the whole time and very emotional.

The nurses check on her at 2:00 a.m. every night to make sure she's not in a diabetic coma. They test her blood and so on. It makes my Mom uncomfortable when she knows they're coming at 2 to wake her up, so her solution is to stay awake until then. LOL. So then she's tired and emotional all day.

Anyway, it wasn't an easy visit but I'm glad I went. Some of my siblings and their spouses all came to visit one afternoon so it was like a mini family reunion.

All of my nieces and nephews are making a point of dropping in to visit my parents which I think is really nice. They all have young children and a few have little babies so my Mom loves that. It cheers her up.

I called her yesterday and she was doing well. She was feeling much better and the new med regimen was making a difference. So I guess it's an up and down thing. I understand now why my sister said that they had decided to behave as if everything was normal. It's all so unpredictable and you really can't plan for anything until it happens. The best you can do is just live for the day. It's normal until it isn't, if that makes sense.

My plan is to go out again at Christmas, if she doesn't die before then. I have a feeling she'll last at least that long. I'm hoping and praying she does anyway. One last Christmas would be nice.

Thank you Dataloungers for your comments and interest. It makes me feel good that a bunch of strangers actually care. So thank you.


by Anonymousreply 4809/22/2013

OP, don't wait for christmas. You said you have the time and money. Visit every few weeks. Your mother shouldn't have to wonder if she's seen you for the last time.

by Anonymousreply 4909/22/2013

This is one of the redemptive threads that makes DL more than an unmitigated bitch-fest.

by Anonymousreply 5009/22/2013

[quote]You said you have the time and money. Visit every few weeks.

Thank you for your comments, but I don't have THAT much time and money. I'm not a Rockefeller.

She would be horrified if I came out every few weeks and it would make her feel like a burden. And as my sister said to me, how many times can we say goodbye?

I speak to my Mom on the phone at least three times a week. And I'm visiting again at Christmas, this time for an entire week. We think that's fine.

by Anonymousreply 5109/22/2013

Call every day. Visit sooner than Christmas. You don't want to regret something later.

by Anonymousreply 5209/22/2013

Sooner than later is good advice.

When I was a child my mom had a friend that had a child, a friend of mine, who died in a car accident right after Thanksgiving. She said the hardest thing was to look at all the wrapped Christmas gifts she had hidden on closet shelves that he never got to play with.

For some reason it really stuck with me.

I never 'exchange ' gifts on holidays.

I buy them, I give them.

by Anonymousreply 5309/24/2013

Yes, R52? Because the point of life is to avoid regrets? Rather a disordered way to approach love, family and duty, isn't it?

And offered in such a prescriptive way. We don't all have your issues, dear.

by Anonymousreply 5409/24/2013

I went through this two years ago OP. It's just awful but my mother told everyone she was ready to go. The visiting nurses were wonderful and she was under hospice care. Take care of your dad.

by Anonymousreply 5509/24/2013

Hi. Me again. The OP.

My Mom is still alive, but barely. She fell a few weeks ago and fractured her hip and bumped her head. She was in the hospital for a couple of weeks and they sent her home when she was able to sit up and move around a bit.

She's been on a rapid decline since then and is now receiving palliative care in the senior's home where she and my Dad live. She and her doctor decided no more hospitals, no more ambulances, no life support. They'll just keep her comfortable and free of pain.

A week ago she lost the ability to speak. She can say a few words (yes, no, OK) and occasionally a few sentences but for the most part she can't communicate. She has bad days where she's totally unresponsive and vacant and just sleeps all day. But then she has good days where she's a little more coherent. My Dad (whose suite is across the hall) visits her several times a day.

She's bedridden and can no longer feed herself. The nurses now spoon feed her. She's also wearing a catheter and an adult diaper which I'm sure horrifies her. But she can't get up by herself to use the bathroom anymore so what choice is there?

I flew out again last week for a few days because it seems that this really is it. I needed to see for myself how bad it was. To bear witness. We couldn't talk much, obviously. Mostly I just sat with her, held her hand, talked to her a little bit. Showed her pictures of my garden on my iPhone. But mostly we just sat together quietly wrapped up in our thoughts.

I said goodbye to her on Friday night before I left. It was excruciatingly painful. She was coherent that day. She ate her dinner and I thought she would just fall asleep. But she stayed awake all evening as though she wanted to be awake and aware for our goodbye. When it came time for me to go, we cried and hugged. She held me tight with what little strength she has left. I held her hands and she wouldn't let go. I kissed her cheek and her forehead and stroked her hair. I told her over and over that I loved her. I told her not to be afraid. I thanked her for everything. I told her that I would think about and pray for her every day. I asked her to keep praying for me. We stared into each other's eyes and cried. She couldn't speak, but she told me everything.

As I was leaving the room I turned back to wave. She waved back. I blew her a kiss. She blew me a kiss back. I caught it. I was surprised that she knew how to blow kisses. My sister said that one of the nurses taught her.

My heart broke.

I will always be glad and grateful that I was able to spend those few days with my Mom. Saying goodbye was excruciating, but I wouldn't change it for anything. It had to happen like that.

She may still be around for a few weeks. She might even still be here when I go back at Christmas. But I really felt that that was our goodbye.

So there you go. That's my update.

by Anonymousreply 5612/02/2013

Why on Earth did you leave? Can you explain this to me as it's completely mind boggling. What's more important or urgent in your life right now that you would leave you dying mother, "blow a kiss" and just fucking go away? What's the fucking damage of people like you???

by Anonymousreply 5712/02/2013

OP, she's 85 years old She's lucky to have lived that long. Get over it and stop being a drama queen. Tell me one thing - who is paying for her care? I bet she's getting some from Medicare, huh? Do you feel bad at all that our tax dollars are going to keeping her alive when they could go to something else? It's people like your shitty mother that have our governments finances in such bad shape.

by Anonymousreply 5812/02/2013

Why don't you just fuck yourself, R58

by Anonymousreply 5912/02/2013

R57. Fuck off--you have no business judging OP's choices (which may be limited).

by Anonymousreply 6012/02/2013


I don't know how to tell you this but when a spouse dies, usually the other spouse will die quickly thereafter. This seems to be the case with elderly couples. It doesn't matter that the other spouse is in good health. I think it's a mental think where they no longer want to live without their spouse and so they die.

I hope her passing is peaceful. Keep in touch with your father. He will need the company.

by Anonymousreply 6112/02/2013

I agree with R57, what the fuck, you left your dying mother?

by Anonymousreply 6212/02/2013

Wish OP's mom would just die already or else we'll get another Xmas update of them blowing kisses to one another.

by Anonymousreply 6312/02/2013

R58 wants to burn in hell when he dies. And he probably will.

by Anonymousreply 6412/02/2013

Fuck you r59, I'm sick of my tax dollars going towards propping up old cunts like the OP's mother. I'm being attacked on another thread for supporting the Salvation Army - well at least I'm spending my money for a good cause instead of prolonging the life of the OP's cunt mother who is sucking - along with millions of others - on the teat of this country. You fuck off and die.

by Anonymousreply 6512/02/2013

If you wanted to hurt me even more than I'm already hurting, you succeeded. Congratulations. You must be proud.

I won't be posting on this thread again. Or on Datalounge for that matter.

You people aren't even human anymore.

by Anonymousreply 6612/02/2013

My mother died horribly when she was 55.

Where's my thread?

Oh, right, I didn't create one, because WHO GIVES A SHIT!

by Anonymousreply 6712/02/2013

Boo hoo, the OP is taking his ball and going home.

by Anonymousreply 6812/02/2013

if there is a god, hopefully R59/65 will get ass cancer and die an excruciating death.

by Anonymousreply 6912/02/2013

OP, please don't let the evil posters who have now infested this thread keep you from posting. The great majority of posts have been understanding and supportive. What the issues of the couple poisoning the thread are God only knows. But frankly, they will reap what they've sown.

by Anonymousreply 7012/02/2013

"If you wanted to hurt me even more than I'm already hurting, you succeeded. Congratulations. You must be proud.

I won't be posting on this thread again. Or on Datalounge for that matter."

Shut up and go take care of your dying mom, you asshole. You're hurting because you know you're a coward who ran away when she needs your love and presence the most. There are no excuses for that.

You're the reason I'll never have children.

by Anonymousreply 7112/03/2013

For so many reasons, this is the most depressing thread I've read on DL.

by Anonymousreply 7212/03/2013

OP (because I know you're still reading), your post about saying goodbye to your mom choked me up. I can't imagine. I am so lucky to have my mom.

When her mom was dying, she went out and stayed with her for three weeks but eventually had to come home to her own life. Her mother understood and wouldn't have it any other way. She died shortly after. My mom didn't go back to the funeral, she felt she had spent time with her when it mattered. She never regretted her decision. Don't feel you have to justify how much time you spend with your mother.

My other grandmother lived to be 100 and was never sick. She just wound down. I have an aunt and uncle who are 89 and 86 and still have very active lives, traveling all over the world. It's really true, if you have your health, you have everything.

by Anonymousreply 7312/03/2013

Is your cunt mother dead yet?

by Anonymousreply 7412/03/2013

R74 you are pure hate, just festering hate.

by Anonymousreply 7512/03/2013

Losing a family member from age will strangely seem familiar and you will get through it fine. TYou may forget your phone number or your address for a few weeks afterward...make an effort to concentrate and stay in the present when you are driving...the brain may be busy elsewhere.

by Anonymousreply 7612/03/2013

OP, I'm sorry to read about this. My mother's death was very hard for me to go through and come to terms with. You will get through it, though. It will be painful, but each day will be a little easier. It will take time, though.

As for the sadists on this thread, and that's what they are, don't let them bother you. It's not personal. Something happened to them, maybe when they were children, but maybe they were just worn down by a lifetime of perceiving to be pissed on. In any event, they will always be miserable.

by Anonymousreply 7712/03/2013

R77's mom died just to get away from him.

by Anonymousreply 7812/04/2013

R63, R68, R78, you're the reason the clever people stop coming to Data lounge. Who wants to drink your poison when they're just looking for something witty and fun. Hateful people need to ruin everything, it's the only power you have.

by Anonymousreply 7912/04/2013

R79 And you're leaving out R74?

by Anonymousreply 8012/04/2013

So sorry, OP. I've been there and no, it's not an easy thing to go through. I felt so many emotions when my mom was dying that I didn't know how to deal so I went to a bereavement group. It helped.

Hang in there and allow yourself to feel whatever you feel. That's the only way you can truly process what's happening.

by Anonymousreply 8112/04/2013

I cannot believe the venom coming from this thread.

I wish the hateful people in this thread would die.

by Anonymousreply 8212/04/2013

I must remember to start a thread at the home of pointless bitchery when I have a loved one about to die or recently dead. It just seems like the right place for it.

by Anonymousreply 8312/04/2013

OP, I am so sorry for the pain you are in. Losing my parents was the most painful thing I have ever gone through and I miss them everyday and always will.

Wow, some of the posters on this thread have to be psychopaths.

by Anonymousreply 8412/04/2013

Exactly r83. Why post a thread like this on a site like DL? And then cry when you have people posting so-called venomous postings?

by Anonymousreply 8512/04/2013

So sorry, OP, You're dealing with one of the hardest things in the world. Please, please consider bringing hospice care into the picture. They will keep her comfortable and be a huge support to you and your dad emotionally. I've lost three close people in the last 10 years and hospice workers were terrific. Ask a social worker at the clinic/hospital where your mom gets treatment. Or ask her doctor. Sorry, I did not have time to read all the other comments.

by Anonymousreply 8612/04/2013

[quote]Why post a thread like this on a site like DL? And then cry when you have people posting so-called venomous postings?

Some of the posting go way beyond pointless bitchery to being flat out cruel. Can you really not see the difference?

by Anonymousreply 8712/04/2013

OP Don't listen to any of the nastiness. You made a special trip to make sure you saw your mother "just in case" she could be gone before your next trip. You aren't expected to drop your life far away and keep a bedside vigil that could last hours, days, weeks or months.

If you are lucky enough to get another goodbye, that's even better. I do hope she makes it till Christmas, but if not at least you know nothing was left unsaid.

Please do come back and update us.

by Anonymousreply 8812/04/2013

I've been there OP, long ago. But it still saddens me when I read that someone else is about to go through losing a parent. The best I can tell you is it will hurt, and may hurt terribly up until the day of the funeral. Seeing my mother's body in a coffin knocked the wind out of me mentally and physically. But I got through it as will you. Leaving the cemetery that day I felt a great weight lifted from my shoulders. I knew the days of dreading what was coming sooner than later were over.

Take care!

by Anonymousreply 8912/04/2013

All we can offer is our compassion. We wished we could do more than just moral support, but we can't.

Ignore the stupid insensitive ones who have no idea that they'll be right where you are sooner than they think.

by Anonymousreply 9012/04/2013

Hi OP. I love my mom more than anything in the world. I was doing the wifi thing, having lunch before going off to see her at the assisted living center, I go every day after work. Thenphone just rang, she's being rushed to the hospital. I'm only way now, I just wanted to say that I understand and I love you. From one good son to another, you're a good son!

by Anonymousreply 9112/04/2013

Threads like these are catnip for trolls. Sometimes the OPs of threads like these ARE trolls. They post threads like these to create breeding grounds for trolls to get the emotional on DL riled up by posting nasty things.

Not saying this OP is a troll but.....

by Anonymousreply 9212/04/2013

R91 here. I'm in the examining room at the ER with my mom. She's doing pretty good so far. Turns out she fell and cut her arm very deep. She's bandaged up and I. A neck brace and lying down. They will be taking X-rays just to make sure nothing is broken. She's not in any pain so we think it's ok. Hopefully I'll be able,to take her home later. OP, whoever you are, I don't believe you are a troll, and I will be praying for you and your mom, and your siblings who sound great,you're dad too.

by Anonymousreply 9312/04/2013

Good luck to you and your mom, r93.

by Anonymousreply 9412/04/2013

Whoever is facing this, my heart goes out to you and I hope you get through it.

by Anonymousreply 9512/04/2013

I can imagine myself at 85 just thinking I've lived enough. I'll be tired and ready for the mother ship.

I wouldn't tell my co-workers a parent died. I wouldn't want all the fakey sympathy.

I had a supervisor once who had us sign a card for a fellow employee. And she must have been a bit illiterate because she herself scribbled, "Sorrey for you lost". I thought that was the saddest thing.

by Anonymousreply 9612/04/2013

Time to take ole girl behind the shed and put her out of her misery.

by Anonymousreply 9712/04/2013

R97 Shame on you for saying that. SHAME!!!!

by Anonymousreply 9812/06/2013

let it out girl. it's sad an it helps to share with others, even datalounge bitches.

by Anonymousreply 9912/06/2013

R91. My mom is back at the assisted living center after an overnight stay for observation. Thank you R94 for your kind wishes. Much appreciated. This will be my last posting I am more concerned about the OP, I didn't mean to coop his thread. OP, can you tell us how your mother is doing? how are YOU doing? My best to your dad, he sounds great.

by Anonymousreply 10012/07/2013

R91, quit trying to hijack this thread. This thread is NOT about you. Please start your own "dying mother" thread.

by Anonymousreply 10112/13/2013
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