Building up a person or a relationship in your head -- how to stop?
I am aware this will sound cray-cray to everyone, but hopefully, I am not alone in this.
My problem is that I have an overactive imagination and it has led me to numerous heartbreaks and disappointments. The thing is, when I meet someone I like and there is a hint that he likes me back, my imagination goes overdrive. I build up the person and the relationship in my head based on very little things I know about that person.
The latest guy I really like, for example, is the shy and quiet type who isn't much into the gay scene. He also goes to one of the top highly-selective schools in the country doing his masters, so fairly intellectual and with career goals in mind. He also follows major league baseball and football/soccer, so masculine-oriented. He's also very close to his family and he comes from a cultural background that is very family-oriented. So he seems all-around the perfect guy in my mind (I like geeky shy sporty guys).
Based on those very little info, my imagination went nuts building this guy up into my perfect guy. I'd start fantasizing about him, not really sex, but in a romantic way, the whole relationship, and what I think his true personality is from what little things I know about him. I'd fantasize about us going on dates with the personality I have built for him in my head. I have fallen in love with this guy based on the image and personality of him I have built in my mind.
Now, the more I get to know this guy, the more disappointed I get. He's not really the "ideal" guy I have built in my mind. The more I learn about him, it's like one heartbreak after the other. It's like my expectations does not reconcile with reality. It's not his fault at all and mine alone. I admit that. I have built this huge expectation of him based on very little initial info I knew about him. My imagination got carried away. He's a great guy and anyone will be lucky to have him. Unfortunately, I'm starting to lose interest in him. And at the same time, I feel heartbroken for "losing" the guy I built in my head. If it wasn't for me building him up, there could have been something special between us (he actually likes me too).
Anyway, what the fuck is wrong with me? This isn't the first time this has happened. It's been like this ever since I started getting crushes in grade school. It's like I'm a teenage girl who daydreams about being boyfriends with some guy at school.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||09/05/2013|
the building up stuff sounds pretty normal for young people in love
the part were you are disappointed in him sounds like an intimacy issue, on some level you were afraid of getting to close
|by Anonymous||reply 1||09/05/2013|
"my imagination went nuts"
Along with the rest of you
|by Anonymous||reply 2||09/05/2013|
You're just not that into him, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||09/05/2013|
How old are you? 22? Still ok but learn to keep it in check. You're creating unrealistic, fairy-tale scenarios that no real life dude can live up to. This is normal and natural until you get some real world relationship experience. You'll learn that it's more give and take than rainbows and butterflies.
30+? Honey, see a shrink!
|by Anonymous||reply 4||09/05/2013|
Yeah, are you pretty young? Have you ever had a serious relationship?
If the answer to both those questions is no than what you are doing is fairly number. Just keep a check on it and accept to yourself it is pretty crazy, which you seem to realize.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||09/05/2013|
[quote] It's like my expectations does not reconcile with reality
|by Anonymous||reply 6||09/05/2013|
Is his name Dave? Does he work for Marsh and Mclennan? In your mind, did he take you to Hawaii where you got "Maui-d"?
|by Anonymous||reply 9||09/05/2013|
|by Anonymous||reply 11||09/05/2013|
Ever gone to a musical performance, ideally some not very well known performer/s whom you felt a little pleased with yourself for having "discovered"? On paper, all of the fellow attendees should have been ideal candidates for "building up" as friends, right? Wrong. Inevitably, no matter how specialized your taste, your fellow attendees --with the same taste and same path to discovery-- have next to nothing in common with you on a more fundamental level; they are, in fact, 95% assholes, dolts, or just general disappointments.
You say you "like geek shy sporty guys", but more likely you like those qualities as the icing on a cake of a man you find appealing for more substantial, possibly more primitive reasons, not as a substitute for the cake itself.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||09/05/2013|
I fell asleep reading OP's post. You need to work on being less boring yourself before you can interest real studs.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||09/05/2013|
What R4 said.
You sound like so many of us just out of college, hoping to be ready for a relationship but nowhere near. Lots of building-up and the disappointment of reality, which is actually (as you seem to know) all in your own messed-up head.
Or, to paraphrase (quote from memory) a famous Southern mother, "who could hope to measure up to that blend of Paul Bunyan, St. Patrick, Noah Webster you've concocted for yourself out of your Iowa stubbornness and your library full of books."
|by Anonymous||reply 14||09/05/2013|