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Backing out of an online hookup

Have you ever met the guy in person and changed your mind? How did you get out of it?

by Anonymousreply 6009/05/2013

Once. All I had to ask was, "how old is the picture you have on your profile?"

He got the hint.

by Anonymousreply 109/04/2013

And be careful! I'm sure there's some kind of karma involved. When I was 17 I jumped up and ran off a London tube train leaving a guy I'd met an hour before, and now 10 ten years later I've been eyed-up, judged, and then backed out on more times than I'd like to remember, it always stings.

And no I'm no looker but I do have clear and up to date photographs online on my various dating/hook up profiles. I've given up now anyhow!

by Anonymousreply 209/04/2013

Several just drove off after seeing me.

Recently the most beautiful man came to play, said he like older guys. We were naked and feeling each other up. He said he had some movies in the truck and got dressed and left. He emailed later to apologize saying he had freaked. He emailed and called me for several months begging, literally begging to cum back. He was hot but what happened just took it all away. I couldn't get into him again and never had him cum back.

Some years ago I went to a guy's apartment, he wanted to suck my dick. No one answered the door. I could hear him inside. I tried the door knob and the door opened. The guy was standing right there. I had already figured it out that he was not going to answer the door but had not locked it. I stepped inside and said, you want to suck my dick. He stammered as I took it out. He looked down as I pushed his shoulder down. He got down and I made him suck me off. I didn't want to swallow but he took all of my cum in his mouth.

by Anonymousreply 309/04/2013

Several times. The first one went awkwardly (he said impatiently, "I think you know why I came over here" and I said, "Yeah" [blank stare/no encouragement]. After that, I decided that I'd tell them over the phone that it was just a meet 'n greet- nothing definite, no pressure. That alone weeded them out, because they were after a sure thing.

by Anonymousreply 409/04/2013

No, but I have had someone do that to me, simply because he 'was not feeling it'. I told him off, and he apologized. You have the right to change your mind if you're not feeling it, but the other guy has the right to annoyance and invective. Keep that in mind if someone drives out to meet you, was completely honest with their pictures and commentary (if he lies, that's a different story), and then you change your mind.

by Anonymousreply 509/04/2013

Nothing in R3's post ever happened.

by Anonymousreply 609/04/2013

Just say it. And like someone else said, caution them up front that if they aren't what you're expecting then nothing is going to happen.

by Anonymousreply 709/04/2013

I USUALLY change my mind, that's why i always insist that we meet for coffee, then no one is out much effort.

by Anonymousreply 809/04/2013

I met a guy who said he was 34. I went to his place and the lights were low. We got to the bedroom which had better light. He looked 54. No joke. I said, "you're not 34" and told him l was going to leave. He said he was 34 and that he thought he looked damn good. I left.

by Anonymousreply 909/04/2013

#5, Amanda Bynes, rejected by a leery Zac Efron.

by Anonymousreply 1009/04/2013

Nah, R10.

I agretariff some of the others that you should be upfront about your intentions and conditions. If you say beforehand that you want sex, as was the case in the flaky guy who rejected me, then the rejected has cause to be upset.

by Anonymousreply 1109/04/2013

[quote]Several just drove off after seeing me.

Several?

Have you thought about that?

This has never happened to me, although I did have to do it to a guy once. He showed up and looked nothing like his picture. That's not why I kicked him out, though. I was prepared to go through with it just out of horniness and pity, but we started kissing and his breath was awful. So I said "no kissing"...he starts to undress and the overwhelming smell of SHIT hit me. He looked fairly clean, but this did not smell like a recent fart, so I just ended it right there. Awkward! He wanted to know why. He actually asked "Why?" I was so annoyed by the false advertising, bad breath, shit stank AND the gall of asking "why?" that I let him have it: the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. By the time I was segueing into "but worse than your breath is your shitastic body odor!..." he was already out the door. What's really awkward is I have run into this guy in social situations. We always avoid each other. If its any consolation to him, I always feel bad when I see him. But not bad enough to go anywhere near his rank ass!

Anyway, it's never happened to me but I am 100% honest about my weight, body type and cock size. I even list my waist size so no one can claim they didn't know I wasn't a flawless Adonis. I have full body nude photos and clear face pics as well. I think it's all about truth in advertising.

by Anonymousreply 1209/04/2013

R8 I ALWAYS meet them someplace public. I need to feel a connection of some kind, and its easier to back out if its a public place.

by Anonymousreply 1309/04/2013

The phone call. Suddenly his cell phone went off, he answered it and said "I have to go"

by Anonymousreply 1409/04/2013

Can't do anything today, honey, my polyps keep falling out of my anus!

by Anonymousreply 1509/04/2013

I simply turn and say "Oh, no. I just can't."

by Anonymousreply 1609/04/2013

I've abandoned hook-ups more times than I can count. And usually the other guy is very understanding. I just wasn't feeling it or they didn't look like their pictures. Or, sometimes, their place of residence was so gross that I couldn't imagine getting fucked in it. I've always tried to be really kind because I'm scared that one day I'll meet someone who'll go into a rage or something upon rejection and try to assault me. I'd be curious to know if that's ever happened to anyone.

by Anonymousreply 1709/04/2013

I met up with a woman. We chatted on a website first then had chats on the phone. We met at a tube station and as I walked towards her I could see the disappointment in her face. We continued the 'date'. Whilst I was at a counter ordering some drinks I heard her make a call to a friend I could not over hear the entire phone conversation but I heard her say "you'll know as soon as you see her". She wasn't very talkative and was a bit off. I really could wait for the so called date to end and I have never seen her since.

by Anonymousreply 1809/04/2013

[quote]the other guy has the right to annoyance and invective.

I don't think he has the right to be a jerk. Everyone should understand how these things work. You might be wise to be prepared for the other guy to be a jerk, but most people have been on both sides of the face-to-face disappointment.

by Anonymousreply 1909/04/2013

Sure, he does. If the guy wastes his time out of fickleness, he's entitled to express dissatisfaction. Should we all be mute in the face of fickle rejection?

by Anonymousreply 2009/04/2013

I've left a few who misrepresented themselves. I don't understand why the onus is on me to check up on them like the NSA instead of on them to just be honest with what they look like.

by Anonymousreply 2109/04/2013

[quote]Should we all be mute in the face of fickle rejection?

Yes. Especially if we have fickley rejected.

If you had not accurately represented yourself in pictures, you should put your dick between your legs and whimper all the way home.

by Anonymousreply 2209/04/2013

I disagree, R19. If a person has represented themselves honestly, made an effort to meet, and the other person rejects them because "they don't feel like it", then the guy who goes home has a right to respond. It doesn't have to be ugly per se. It's about standing up for yourself, and letting the other party know that that's not cool.

by Anonymousreply 2309/04/2013

I can't imagine anything less dignified/more pathetic than getting angry at a stranger for rejecting you.

Seriously. Get over yourself. He's just not that into you.

And it's a fucking hookup! MARY!

by Anonymousreply 2409/04/2013

I have always accurately represented myself in pictures, R22. Who said I hadn't?

I haven't fickly rejected; I know enough to converse for a while and ask for many pictures. If they are not honest, that's one thing. I don't reject, though, simply because I got a wild hair up my ass when he stepped through the door.

by Anonymousreply 2509/04/2013

Yep. As a matter of decency I've not backed out on anyone based on appearance - but hygiene and living like a complete pig have been deal breakers. Luckily, several time people I didn't especially like pulled out on me - "I don't think I'd be interested." Good!

And I admit that the "living like a pig" part has come with driving up, but I've called and said I couldn't make it.

by Anonymousreply 2609/04/2013

That doesn't even make sense, R24. It's more dignified to make your voice known. Shouting "MARY" is actually less dignified...

by Anonymousreply 2709/04/2013

3 tales to tell.

About 15 years ago before the internet hook up sites were popular, I met some guy at a bar and went to his place. We made out, he started to get undressed. Took his pants off and his dick was perhaps 3" hard. I pretended I hadn't seen it, said I wasn't feeling well and left. He knew of course why I was leaving.

5 years ago met a guy on gay.com. Agreed to go to his place. Got there and in typical gay.com style he was 10+ over his online age, 40+ pounds heavier, and was thinning on top. I walked around his condo for a minute saw that he had a cat and said I was allergic and ran out of his place.

Couple years ago hooked up on manhunt. Guy came to my house and his voice drove me nuts. Can't stand guys with gay voice. Told him I was super horny and suggested we take it to the baths where we could find a group scene. He wouldn't go, I did, and found my group scene.

by Anonymousreply 2809/04/2013

[R28] In the words of the poet and song bird, Macy Gray, "YOU AIN'T SHIT".

by Anonymousreply 2909/04/2013

[quote] I don't reject, though, simply because I got a wild hair up my ass when he stepped through the door.

Did it occur to you that maybe you were rejected for reasons not apparent in photos or emails? Like your sparkling personality, for instance.

by Anonymousreply 3009/04/2013

I don't find anything unpleasant about R25's personality, R30. Even worse, you don't address the fickleness issue... It's just an ad hominem attack borne out of anger, nothing more.

by Anonymousreply 3109/04/2013

I hook up with guys with some regularity fro Craigslist. I'm mostly just into getting blown. I usually meet the hookup in the parking lot of my building. If there seems to be some comfort, I bring him in. If for whatever reason I don't want to do it -- he's too nelly, or too fat, or too redneck, etc -- I politely tell him that I'm really sorry he drove over to meet me, but it wasn't going to work out. Everyone has been understanding, and, if you're honest and polite about it, how can they not be?!?

by Anonymousreply 3209/04/2013

I just feign an upset stomach...gotta run! ...to my own bathroom! Damn that Chinese food!

by Anonymousreply 3309/04/2013

"you're honest and polite about it"

Yes, that's the right way to go about it.

by Anonymousreply 3409/04/2013

Y'all some hoes up in here.

by Anonymousreply 3509/04/2013

I know I've been on both sides of this equation. For the most part, the 3 or so guys I can think of who have backed out on me gave me some version of "I'm just not feeling it". None of them were jerks about it, and only one had inconvenienced me in any particular way, but I can be a sensitive soul and there is no denying it stings a bit.

I try my best to be decent and sensitive when I am the one initiating an in-person back out, even in instances where the person has grossly misrepresented himself. Alternatively, if for whatever reason I still feel somewhat obliged to do something, I will drastically downscale the set of activities and the timeframe. I will sometimes "accidentally" cum real quick.

The worst I had was when one guy I was with was getting rough with me. I told him I wasn't into that. He eased up momentarily but then went back to some activity that would make me very uncomfortable (things like pinching me hard; holding my head down to make me gag; pushing / slapping me; abusive / violent language). NOTHING in the run-up to our getting together could have led him to believe I was up for anything remotely like this; and we had had extensive emails about what we were looking for and what we would do. I was getting increasingly uneasy and not exactly sure how I was going to get out of it.

After I'd been there maybe ten minutes and I was debating with myself how genuinely concerned I should be, he got up and said out of the blue "you stay there faggot while I take care of important stuff that doesn't concern you". Was music to my ears!

When he stepped out of the room, I quickly (and oh-so-quietly) gathered my things. I dressed without putting on my shoes, and left the house with as little noise as possible. When I turned the ignition on and pealed out of there, I was just about out of his driveway when I heard "what the FUCK?! get back here faggott!"

He then tried calling a bunch of times (of course I never answered) and he left me a few nasty voicemails and similar-sounding text messages. By the time I got home he had gotten around to sending a fairly graphic (and violent) email. I briefly considered taking it all to the police. Without being too dramatic, I'd wondered if I had just been assaulted. I'd certainly been threatened. I didn't follow-up, though. I was just so relieved to get out of there.

Gives me shivers just to remember it.

by Anonymousreply 3609/04/2013

A warning to us all, R36.

by Anonymousreply 3709/04/2013

How awful, R36! Glad you escaped that horrible situation.

by Anonymousreply 3809/04/2013

What I don't understand is how so many of you can just so easily go and visit someone in their home or have them into yours based upon a few emails, some photos, and a couple of calls. The story R36 writes about is quite scarey! How do you assure yourself that you're not walking into a John Wayne Gacy or Jeffrey Dahmer type situation? Now, I am one to believe in the goodness of people but...

by Anonymousreply 3909/04/2013

[quote]How do you assure yourself that you're not walking into a John Wayne Gacy or Jeffrey Dahmer type situation? Now, I am one to believe in the goodness of people but

You can't entirely. You play the odds. Like driving a car. Or meeting a guy at a bar.

I like to think I could assess someone's sanity over the phone, but I realize there is still a risk.

by Anonymousreply 4009/04/2013

[quote]I like to think I could assess someone's sanity over the phone, but I realize there is still a risk.

Psychopaths take a while to spot.

by Anonymousreply 4109/04/2013

[quote]When I was 17 I jumped up and ran off a London tube train leaving a guy I'd met an hour before

Even at 17, this smacks of mental illness.

by Anonymousreply 4209/04/2013

I've been on both sides of the equation as well.

If we've met in public and I ask him to come over and he doesn't respond I figure he's not interested so I drop it. No big deal.

Recently, I met a guy for coffee who was 100 lbs (no shit) heavier than the photos he posted. I didn't even recognize him when he walked in. I knew right then I wasn't going to fuck him. I cut the coffee short and left. I later texted him and told him, "I'm not interested. Thanks." (Those exact words).

He didn't get the hint and kept texting me and calling me wanting to know why I wasn't interested. I even said, "you are not the person in the photos you sent me. How old are those photos?" And he STILL continued to text me wanting to know why I wouldn't hook up with him. I finally just had enough and said, "you totally misrepresented your weight - you're too fat."

I didn't want to be brutal but he didn't leave me much of a choice.

by Anonymousreply 4309/04/2013

Now R43, suppose you invited that person into your home or you went over to his? Clearly you had somewhat of an unstable person on your hands. Telling him that he was fat was kind instead of telling him the truth that he is a stalker and nuts!

by Anonymousreply 4409/04/2013

NEVER give out your phone number! I refuse. Pics can be shared via e-mail. In-person meetings can be done in public. I always give out the disclaimer that chemistry involves a lot of factors. I can't control whether someone is interested in me, and the reverse is also true. If it doesn't work, just say you don't see a match and that will be that, no hard feelings. Don't be a dick about it and most people understand.

by Anonymousreply 4509/04/2013

I've never hooked up online, but I have withdrawn from bar pickups a few times. Sometimes, the guy just gives me an odd "vibe". Sometimes, as the guy talks to me, I get a different sense of him - he is clearly on drugs, or coming off needy (divulging TMI to a stranger) or comes off rude/arrogant. I also try to politely excuse myself - I usually say I have a BF.

by Anonymousreply 4609/04/2013

"Don't be a dick about it and most people understand."

Agreed. Also, be straightforward about why. If you hem and haw or don't even know what you want, it makes a rejection way worse.

by Anonymousreply 4709/04/2013

That's why I insist on meeting someone for coffee or a drink before going further.

Some people look great in photos but have creepy vibes or just don't seem quite "right" so I back out of those real quick.

Other times I get lucky and there's a mutual attraction right away. You have to hope for the best and expect the worst. And always be ready to walk away.

by Anonymousreply 4809/04/2013

"You know, I'm afraid this isn't going to work out," and turn on your heels. A parting "sorry" is optional depending on circumstances.

by Anonymousreply 4909/04/2013

"A parting 'sorry' is optional depending on circumstances."

Unless the guy was violent, creepy, or a liar, I think a parting 'sorry' or 'good luck' is just good form.

by Anonymousreply 5009/04/2013

[quote]Unless the guy was violent, creepy, or a liar, I think a parting 'sorry' or 'good luck' is just good form.

Very true, R50, but the only reason I've ever backed out was due to gross misrepresentation, and by that I mean using photos that --if they even depict the person in question-- were easily a decade old and other major deceptions.

Actually, there was creepy one on whom I backed out. But I gave him the benefit of the doubt and wrote it off to just very bad chemistry not outright deception: he got a "sorry" and a bit of (polite) explanation.

Of course I'd apologize if it were simply down to cold feet on my part. There's always, "Really, it's not you, it's me."

by Anonymousreply 5109/04/2013

What are some coquettish things you can say on the coffee date if you ARE interested?

by Anonymousreply 5209/04/2013

In my case, r52, I simply say, "would you like to come back to my place and fuck?" or "do you need to be somewhere in the next hour? If not, would you like to fuck?"

It seems to work rather well. Direct, honest and no beating about the bush.

by Anonymousreply 5309/04/2013

Wow, I would turn on my heals if someone said that to me, R53

by Anonymousreply 5409/04/2013

You know when he left you , r36, he was getting restraints.

by Anonymousreply 5509/04/2013

Why, r54? Either you know what you're there for or you're just wasting time. Or you're trolling.

You're an adult. You've answered an ad on an adult website looking for sex and you'd run if someone offered sex? WTF? Do you know how crazy that sounds? It's what you want so why would you be scared?

"Well, I don't really want to fuck. I was just trolling to see if anyone would hit me up."

That's fucked up, dude.

by Anonymousreply 5609/04/2013

I prefer getting to know someone and flirting, R56. Why use a sledgehammer when a feather will do?

by Anonymousreply 5709/04/2013

Oh, I see.

Well, generally, that is what happens during the drinking of the coffee. I don't just guzzle the coffee and say, "hey, let's fuck!" lol.

There is some chit chat and flirting and if things seem to be going well then I'll ask them if they want to fuck.

Give me some credit. I may be a whore, but I'm not a total Neanderthal.

by Anonymousreply 5809/04/2013

I see nothing wrong with making my interest direct, either. But I might do it a hair softer than R53. After enough time to feel comfortable, I'd look the guy right in the eyes, give him a big smile and tell him "I'm interested if you are". Don't know that I want to say 'fuck' in a coffeehouse or any other non-nightclub public space.

As for rejections, I prefer to keep it simple and be as close to honest as possible. I generally say I don't feel any chemistry. Like a previous poster said, there's nothing anyone can do about that - it's either there or it isn't. Seems like it's safer in the long run to find the kindest way to back out. You never know what the future brings.

by Anonymousreply 5909/04/2013

What happens if the guy is way hotter than you but you're the one who isn't feeling it (body odor, psycho personality, etc.). Don't they get mad? It must be a blow to their egos.

by Anonymousreply 6009/05/2013
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