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I don’t see a point in living anymore.

I’m 32 years old. No siblings, both parents are dead. All grandparents are dead. I’ve spent the past decade in a job that I worked six to seven days a week, during that time all the friends I had have either moved from our home town or died as well.

The cousin that I was close to died when she was 27 back in 2007. The one that I’m closest to now Is actually my mother’s cousin and she’s just found out she has cancer in stage three, if something happens to her then I’m just giving up.

The rest of my family only knows me when they need me for something. I’ll get a call halfway through a party or gathering when someone realizes that no one bothered to notify me that anything was going on. The only other relative I talk to on a semi-regular basis is fucking his life up with drugs and I expect to outlive him. Due to issues I’ve had since a teacher tried to have sex with me when I was 13, I can’t stand to be touched by most people. Even when seeking a relationship the only people interested were guys who wouldn’t keep a job who wanted someone to support them; I’ve never been one who could or would settle for less than real affection. I’ve fooled around exactly twice and never actually engaged in intercourse. My depression eating has left me over 300 lbs. I actually carry it well, but I’m not happy, especially since I’m generally attracted to bears (the opposite of the teacher) and they only seem to be attracted to twinks. I used to take anti-depressants but my liver enzymes got so high with the only class that worked that I was taken off and they will not put me back on.

Up until a few years ago I had a circle of gay friends who I spent time with. The core couples of that group have all either split up and/or moved to better places. With the exception of one gay friend that lives an hour away the only other person I talk to outside of work is a co-worker /distant relation who like the others forgets I exist when anything better is on the table. I dropped out of college due to financial reasons and never went back. Now I make too much for financial aid and too little to afford tuition. I can’t bring myself to apply for a student loan, quite frankly after all this time I’m scared that I can’t deal with a classroom setting anymore.

My job pays well for the area (rural) but I stayed there despite the poisonous atmosphere because I refused to let the homophobic assholes win. Now after ten years, when I thought things were getting to be okay I literally had them tell me that I can’t use the bathroom in my office anymore when I asked why the guy said “It’s the decision I made.” My proximity card will not open that lock anymore. I have to walk around the complex, about hundred and fifty yards, to piss or shit. There is nothing else in the area that will pay me enough to live on without a graduate degree, and I never finished a bachelors . Oh, and my boss hasn’t signed off for me to take a week’s vacation since September of 2005, the only time I’ve had more than a day off is when my Grandmother and Father died. Then the work just pied up while I was gone and I was the asshole for not getting it done while I was out.

I wake up, feel like crying because I didn't die in my sleep. I drag myself to get dressed, drive to work. Park in a different parking lot than everyone else that works in the building I do because they just couldn't find a spot for me. Walk 200 yards to my office and if I’m lucky enough that my boss didn't start calling with problems before I got there then the abuse begins, usually with my phone ringing when I walk into the office that I share with my boss. From that point on anything that nobody else wants to deal with becomes my problem. I break for lunch, which my boss has finally learned is non-negotiable. Come back and deal with more pointless bullshit, putting out fires that shouldn't have been mine to begin with, then I leave for home, Stop by the supermarket, grab something for dinner, come home cook, collapse on either the computer chair or the couch and try to distract

by Anonymousreply 8408/24/2013

myself until about 2am. (Because, the sooner I go to sleep the sooner the next day starts.) I climb into the bed and long for someone to be on the other side. Then I fitfully sleep off and on until the alarm insists I get up. And the cycle starts again, with the exception of the Sundays that I actually have off. I actually get decent sleep those nights.

I can’t think of one single thing to look forward to in my life. I don’t have the time or energy to look for potential partners anymore, by the time I pay my bills there is seldom enough left over anymore to buy clothes or go out anywhere, and when there is I can’t drum up the energy. I just don’t see any point, the more I think about it the only reason I see to go on is because I don’t want my cousin with the cancer to have to deal with my death when she has so much else going on.

Go ahead EST away. I just need to say this somewhere before I implode, so I paid $18.

by Anonymousreply 108/21/2013

You are employed, which is more than many people can say, and you are 32.

You CAN turn this around. Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 208/21/2013

Go see a psychiatrist. A psychologist. Something. Happy you shared, but we're in no position to really help you. And you really need help. Which is out there. You just have to call and make an appointment. It's easy.

by Anonymousreply 308/21/2013

Why is walking 200 yards a problem for you? Please.

Bathroom scenario is very bizarre.

by Anonymousreply 408/21/2013

Sorry to hear of this OP. Where could you get some help?

by Anonymousreply 508/21/2013

Oh honey. I believe you and I feel for you. I hope someone here can offer some productive suggestions. If not just know I'm sending you a cyberhug and kiss on the cheek.

by Anonymousreply 608/21/2013

Re: the vacations. Sounds illegal. I'd collect other evidence and lawyer up, secretly. Get up, get in the ring and knock them out.

by Anonymousreply 708/21/2013

Hi OP, I'm glad that you came here to let this out and I hope you understand that you are very welcome to post any of your troubles.

You are helping so many others with your post. I want you to know that.

You are a survivor and your strength benefits us all. I can't believe all of the bullsh*t you have had to put up with--you are an heroic person. You are a great person, a treasure. You have continued through incredible hell and remained stoic throughout.

I don't know you, OP, but I think very highly of you.

Now. Let me state this: You are not alone. In my life, I have come to an understanding that friends, jobs, etc. are temporary and love is always fleeting. Nothing is stable except nature. and in nature, where all things have spirits, you are never alone. Ever.

I have written about my near-death experience here and got a few lovely responses. Don't die before your time, OP. There's no point to it.

Your spirit, which obviously, is very strong, wants you to engage in intimate relationships with nature, develop plant allies, use herbal concoctions, and eat healthy foods.

If your heart wasn't so strong in such desires, you would just be another happy-go-lucky drunk or druggie, but you're not.

You'll be okay, OP. Go with your intuition, which I suspect is very sharp.

by Anonymousreply 808/21/2013

R3 Medical insurance doesn't cover psychiatric. The gay friend mentioned above works for one of the state funded places. it's a 45 minute intake 15 minutes with a counselor twice a week and 20 minutes once a month with an actual doctor to prescribe meds. In other words pointless and would cause me to miss work.

R4The bathroom thing is very fucking bizarre. The homophobic bitch in question doesn't even use that restroom. but the proximity cards are a new thing with the company and since his grandmother is the owner he gets to use this as a power trip. so I have to go to the executive washroom that doesn't have a prox card reader. The point with the parking is simply that the same bastard did that too. 20 people have come and gone since this lot was poured. all have had spaces in this lot. It's not that I didn't get a space, it's that I was excluded purposefully.

by Anonymousreply 908/21/2013

Finding just the right way to fuck up those co-workers who came up with the bathroom nonsense would be all the reason to live I'D need.

by Anonymousreply 1008/21/2013

Ta ta!

by Anonymousreply 1108/21/2013

I genuinely want to thank those of you who are being nice about this. I didn't post here because I wanted answers. I just needed to vent in a place where responses won't start with either "If you'd just go straight..." or even worse "Do you honestly think your treated differently because you're gay?"

I'm the only out gay man in a company of 1,500 people. Of course I think that has something to do with it.

by Anonymousreply 1208/21/2013

Rural America sounds awful.

by Anonymousreply 1308/21/2013

are you hot? if so there is always hope!!!

by Anonymousreply 1408/21/2013

You need to see a therapist who is cognitive behavioral. You need to work more practically to change what you can change. I would almost say to set boundaries with your boss and be obstinate to get fired so as to collect unemployment. Something has to change there bc that type of environment is what is hugely responsible for your depression. Toxic shit like that can kill you. Your not beating the homophobes, your boss is destroying your well being with his actions.

by Anonymousreply 1508/21/2013

OP, not to freak you out, but is it possible your employer is trying to get you to quit by being a total dick?

by Anonymousreply 1608/21/2013

OP, you are an intuitive person so you know why you are being discriminated against. Now, what can you do about this discrimination? What can you do to engage your rights and stay safe without any physical harm? All gay people have to worry a little about being assaulted, so a really good, low-key strategy is best.

OP, you are a long-term person not given to rash behaviors or angry outbursts, even in the worst of conditions.

How can you make that work for you? What would be a good career or educational choice for someone who can keep a calm and mature demeanor?

So many possibilities are awaiting you!

by Anonymousreply 1708/21/2013

Insurance should cover your visit to a medical doctor, right? He/she should be able to prescribe something that can help. They might be able to point you in the direction of free psychiatric services in your county or state. I reread what you wrote in R9 and don't think it's pointless...don't give up so easily.

Also, can you take a short walk during lunch or after work? Breathe some fresh air, look at the wildlife (if there's any) around you. You need to get up and get moving, even if it's a little because the lifestyle you are describing is extremely sedentary. Activity might help stimulate some hormones that will alleviate some of your depression.

Don't give up. Life is beautiful. You can climb out of the deep hole you are in. You need help from medical professionals and you need to love yourself as well as help yourself. Sending you a big hug.

by Anonymousreply 1808/21/2013

Hey Op,

Sorry to hear about your troubles.

You've posted quite a bit, so I think it would be a good idea for you to prioritize your problems, separating out the important ones (job, health) from the less important (that you're only attracted to bears, for instance). (The cancer, while a problem and a cause for grief, cannot be remedied by anything you do, so let's put that to the side for now.)

So what are you're three biggest problems. From the looks of it, I would say--

1. Health

2. Lack of social relationships

3. Work environment

So I would suggest you brainstorm some strategies for dealing with each of these.

HEALTH For the emotional eating, in what physical place do you do this? If in your home, take all the junk food from your cab and fridge and toss them. Cut out sugars--eat veggies. Drink water like you're the last camel at the oasis in the middle of a desert. Also look up some websites for losing weight, and make sure you go for some exercise at least once a day--walking is great. (Can you take NAC to straighten out the liver issue?)

SOCIAL RELATIONSHIPS Is there a gay-friendly church in your area? Can you go on and join a bowling league, a frisbee club at the park, or any other group that will bring you into contact with people? What's in your area that people do for fun? Fishing, hiking, etc?

JOB Sounds like your boss is a dick. Good news is it sounds like you work at a large company or bureaucracy of some sort. Can you request a transfer within your company? I don't know enough about your workplace to offer more substantive advice. Is there not any other place in your town where you can work? Are you thinking of moving out of town? Where did your friends move to?

Don't give up.

by Anonymousreply 1908/21/2013

OP, lawyer up. You have a hostile environment. Even if you live in a state that does not have discrimination laws for sexual preference, not letting you use the bathroom that is near your office is reason enough to get a lawyer. That is an obvious strategy to make you miserable and a judge would see that. Your boss or bosses are doing this because they can get away with it. Often a strongly worded letter from an attorney can make people realize that their behavior has actual consequences. I am so sorry you are going through this.I would strongly suggest talking to an employment lawyer.

by Anonymousreply 2008/21/2013

Up thread is right you have a job.

Your just going through something right now.

It'll get better you need to talk to a professional and get some meds to help you cope.

Don't throw in the towel seek out a social function to get you out of the house for awhile like r19 suggested.


by Anonymousreply 2108/21/2013

R20, the only problem with hiring an attorney (and I realize that you are only suggesting advice)is that any future potential employers will find a lawsuit and think OP is litigiously-bent.

OP has put in a long, consistent work history there and should not jeopardize his future.

I think OP knows what to do deep down.

by Anonymousreply 2208/21/2013

Fucking quit that hell hole job! Damn. Money isn't that important. One of the best days of my life was quitting a horrible job, driving home was glorious!

by Anonymousreply 2308/21/2013

I'm a lurker on this site but feel compelled to respond to this. To many your life sounds overwhelming and it has been, but believe it or not there are those going through so much worse. The person typing these words to you is about 6 weeks away from being tossed into the streets. I also have no parents, no siblings and all grandparents are deceased. My mother died in my arms a year ago after being her arms and legs for the entirety of my life. My father in burning in hell for what he did to us. By the age of 4 I was bathing, dressing, feeding, transferring, lifting, my mother daily while cooking, cleaning, and laundering. It's the only life I've ever known. I was raised on welfare. Told at 18 get a job or go hungry. I took every grunge work out there while still providing complete daily care. I could give you daily heart breaking stories of literal torture and despair. Watching what so many easily have knowing I'd never have it. The last year of my mothers life was something below hell. I cleaned piss, shit and vomit 24 hrs a day. My life savings was eaten away for her care. In the end there were no thank you's. I couldn't find stable work. Constant temp work. I'm a stress starver. I went from 155 now down to 114. I live on food stamps. Turned off the cable. Every bill is over due. I purchased cheap dial up internet for work search and live on 582 a month of unemployment. I have no friends. There isn't enough for gas to look for work face to face. I have horrific nightmares of my past life. I was eaten alive by daily misery. I also was molested, neglected and verbally abused. I've been used my entire life. At the age of 40 I had never even used an upper cupboard in my life as things were structured to adapt to my mothers needs. I don't even know what it's like to not have a ramp to your front door. I've never been on a vacation in my life. I have no clue what it means to be selfish. I live in an aluminum mobile home where it was vomit hot in the summers and freezing ass in the winter. To me it was a big deal to have a candy bar. I've even picked bugs out of rice for an entire month. I grew up trusting no one. those that should have been there for me never were.

I'd give any thing to be 300lbs with a steady income and a bitch for a boss. No offense. If I needed friends I know where to go and how to make them but most people I meet are so phony it's not worth my time. The thing is you actually have hope. I have nothing left. You need to motivate yourself. Fight to be a better you. Me? I'm toast. I've been chewed up and spit out since childhood. I'm exhausted. I can't sleep, I can't eat. I live in constant fear of what is to come. I have no hope left as there is zero left to apply for hope. You'll make it. I'm forced to take my life. I actually had to look up how to make a proper noose to hopefully make it less painful. It's surreal realizing soon I'll be gone. Every thing was constantly taken from me. You, you've still got a chance but it has to come from you. Think about.

by Anonymousreply 2408/21/2013

OP, I don't believe that you're the only gay at your workplace, just the only out gay with balls. Yes, the owners are total bullies. I can't tell you if it's financially worth a legal fight on grounds of emotional abuse. Understand that some are so mentally ill that they really need to always feel superior, somehow, to others they perceive as weaker.

The way to win is to ignore the abuse. I've been there and of course it feels impossible to continue. Your coworkers are afraid to befriend you, because then they'll also be subject to ridicule. Pretend to be a lone wolf.

Is it possible for you to be deadly quiet? That's how I've seen some who are threatened deal with a hostile environment. Freeze out everyone else, and only speak if absolutely necessary.

I've posted info on the "losing belly weight" thread that may or may not help you.

I will guarantee that life is not static. You never know what the future will bring. Even online correspondence might inspire you.

by Anonymousreply 2508/21/2013

With all the issues you've put forth your best bet is to see some kind of counselor or doctor. You may be able to find a medication that can treat your depression without harming you medically.

From what you wrote, you're living & working in a hostile area because you said you didn't want the homophobic assholes to win. But the result is you're miserable there. Consider if possible moving out of there. You said you used to have gay friends but they moved to a better area. Maybe contact those friends, say you're considering moving and getting a better job (one that actually gives you vacation time) and see if they can offer you any help.

Just from reading all of what you wrote I can tell you're feeling overwhelmed. Try focusing on fixing just one of your issues like maybe dealing with the bathroom one. Take this up with upper management. They're probably in violation of OSHA laws if they're not offering reasonable restroom accommodations.

Take a few minutes each day to do something you enjoy whether it's music or reading or anything that you can relax into which allow you to just let go of everything. Good Luck OP.

by Anonymousreply 2608/21/2013

[quote]job pays well for the area (rural) but I stayed there despite the poisonous atmosphere because I refused to let the homophobic assholes win

Well, that's a stupid reason to stay in a job that's depressing the hell out of you.

Get the hell out of there as soon as you can.

Get to the gym or go swimming...all that.

Don't bother with your shitty relations.

Write a list of the things you actually want in life.

Join a support group.

Read positive books.

You're young enough to make a new life. Focus on it.

by Anonymousreply 2708/21/2013

I know this is gonna sound like bullshit, but in many ways you're lucky.

It's a glass half empty.half full thing, but from the sound of it there's nothing in this world keeping you from getting in your car and driving off into the sunset to start a new life. Do it. Go be a bartender in Key West, or get a job at Disneyland, or ship out on a tramp steamer to the Orient.

Of course, seeing that attorney and doing whatever you're going to do with a fat settlement check in your pocket isn't a bad idea either.

Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 2808/21/2013

R24, Hello, and bless you sweetheart. Please don't take your life. You have so much to offer the world in terms of compassion, patience, diligence, responsibility, and caregiving.

Do ANYTHING you have to do instead of taking your life. Go on SSI. Move to a new city. Steal some fucking food if you have to. Bend the law to survive if you have to. Go to school. Go live in a teepee or homeless encampment.

You have skills that 90% of America does not have. You have endurance. You have know-how. You have resolve. You have compassion, something horribly lacking.

Can you apply to caregiver agencies? Can you apply for student aid?

40 is a great age to start a new life, it's awesome actually. Older people are welcomed on the trades and there are opportunities in community colleges for you.

There is always hope, we don't live in Serbia, or the Congo, or a village in Russia.

White and Asian cultures are very shame-based so shame is a hurdle many of us have to face.

Put shame behind you, it doesn't serve you, and for heaven's sakes, we all feel ashamed in this country.

by Anonymousreply 2908/21/2013

Mark @ R24, go check yourself into a mental hospital soon. Tell them what you have told us. Get on something that will calm you down. Get a diagnosis, ask them to get you some kind of housing for psych patients, and relax for a while.

Normally, I am against psych drugs but in some cases they will chill people out and give you hope.

there is no shame in asking for help, you've paid your dues. There is no shame in being poor, and not having 'lived it up.' Lots of people don't travel, wear new clothes, or lead glamorous lives. And fuck those who brag about it!

Get. over. your. shame.

by Anonymousreply 3008/21/2013

OP as we say... don't quit before the miracle happens. It always does, you know.

Why don't you start with a gay Over Eaters Anon meeting in the closest metro area. You'll meet some hot dick, get some tips about trimming down and bringing order into your life ... in all the areas you need to address.

Go for the gold OP. 32 years old is a baby!

by Anonymousreply 3108/21/2013


Please get help. And please come back and let us k ow how you are. Join us on the Datalounge Facebook page. You too OP.

by Anonymousreply 3208/21/2013


I agree wtih R30--get yourself to the county mental health facility ASAP and tell them what you're going through. (No shame in this--even Billy Joel, I think, checked into a psych center during a rough patch in his life.) And call the suicide hotline. Also find out what shelters there are in the area and call or visit a counselor there: they are knowledgeable about gov't services* for people in dire circumstances. and will be able to direct you to the right resources.

But definitely go to the mental hospital. You don't have to deal with this by yourself.

(I was a counselor for the mentally ill in my 20s.)

by Anonymousreply 3308/21/2013

OP here, sorry about the delay, as I was submitting a response to Rs 14-17 Comcast decided to fuck up and after messing with them for an hour I got the laptop and turned on mobile hot spot.

R14 I've gotten a bit too big to be conventionally "hot"

R15 I agree about therapy.

R16 My immediate boss does not want me to quit. I've been doing his job since 6 months after he started working with the company. That's why he won't sign off on full vacations. It's the other "good ole boys" that work against me in that thread.

I dealt with a lot of bullshit the first three years, I refused to "let them win" In reality I think they didn't do all the way because my father was respected as the head of a department and my cousin (the one with cancer) held a title and would have called them out on it. With him dead and her out of commission for awhile there is nothing to stop them. I have 8 more relatives in the company but none of them would rock the boat.

by Anonymousreply 3408/21/2013

And Comcast is back...

The MD's look at my ALT levels being around 80 not on meds and near 400 after three months of meds and stop them immediately.

R19 I do most of my eating at home, unfortunately I don't buy junk food to throw out because I know I'll eat it. Instead I'll find myself cooking at midnight.

No gay friendly churches in the area. Oddly enough this is the most gay friendly of the counties in the area. Unfortunately 90% of our administration are members of the good ole boy system that come from the far less friendly county to the northeast.

A lawyer wouldn't do any good around here. Our HR director is friends with everybody. They pride themselves on only paying 4 cases of unemployment in the 20 years he's been there.

To those who I know have it worse than I do. I will freely acknowledge that you do. My only response to these things is that people experience the same or similar things differently.

There are things that I've gone though in my personal life, like caring for my grandmother every night while she was dying of cancer while my Mother's sisters got drunk in the kitchen, and the oldest even crawling into the hospice bed and telling her to die because "her suffering was making everyone else suffer." If you told me that I could cope with that before it happened I would have told you that you were crazy, But I did it.

I agree that you never know how strong you are or how capable you are until you find yourself powering through through something that you would have thought would have knocked your on your ass. I'm simply saying that at this point I feel at an impasse.

R24 I feel for you, I honestly do, all I can say is that one of the main reasons I wouldn't take my life is because you never know what tomorrow brings. I hope that karma catches up with you and you end up in a situation where your happier than you could ever imagine.

R25 I know i'm not the only gay. I've been propositioned by three married men since I've been at this job.

I moved back to this area when my mother died ten years ago, I was offered this job without applying for it and took it. After four years I took a Mortgage, I never imagined everyone would die on me.

R31 as I said to R25 that's what i'm afraid of, going out the day before things would have changed.

by Anonymousreply 3508/21/2013

OP isn't saying he wants to die, he's saying he doesn't want to live. It's not the same thing.

OP knows he's depressed - for the rest of you it's hard to imagine, but for many that's all we know.

OP wants a better life, a degree, fulfilling work, friends, relationships. Things to look forward to, not just day after day of nothing special.

OP, we know you don't want cliched advice, but that's all we have. You'll feel better physically just by walking, and gain a sense of accomplishment by dropping weight.

You are depressed, and that's not what life is meant to be.

I've been where you are, then turned things around and been happy, then back to the darkness - William Styron called his book about this "Darkness Visible"

OP, if we could turn back time and give you or ourselves happier childhoods, big, loving, supportive families, great, fun, worthwhile college years that prepared us for work that was interesting and thay supported a nice lifestyle..wouldn't it be nice.

You need something to live for, something to look forward to. We've heard you. You aren't alone in your experience of the world.

If you're embarrassed about going back to school, that's an issue, but focus on the outcome, and get tbrough it.

Faith helps many: Christianity says your suffering has value. Judaism that this is what it is, and we should deal. Buddhism that we can learn to cope by managing expectations. Works for some.

You don't want to live your life any.pre, you want a better one. That's a start.

Good luck.

Watch "The Royal Tenenbaums". Chock-full of people like us, and cathartic in some way.

Set a goal: trip to Manhattan, Denver, Toronto. Something, anything to shake off the suffocating status quo, that gives you something to look forward to, to imagine concrete new possibilities. 32 isn't 18, but don't settle for another decade of nothing-special without a fight.

Sorry for your losses: grief is a bitch, let alone added to depression. Many have broken under lesser loads. We are,surprisingly, survivors, even it is just day by day.

Good luck, brother.

by Anonymousreply 3608/21/2013

There are some really decent, compassionate people posting in this thread... see, there are people who care and will help, if you can get over that first big hurdle - and I know it's very big - of your conviction that nothing can ever change. It can, it's not necessarily easy, but the first step is asking for help, and you've done that. You've gotten some really good feedback.

In fact the scarcity of snarky posts in this thread is nothing short of a miracle.

by Anonymousreply 3708/21/2013

I'm with R27.

None of us should live my "shoulds." We CAN leave. You may have to simplify life, compromise in the short term, etc. but if you are in an abusive/unpleasant work situation, you have the power to leave. YOU.

I know this is not easy, but it is within your power.

by Anonymousreply 3808/21/2013

What a depressing thread.. Yoga! Fitness! Veganism! Suck it up folks!

by Anonymousreply 3908/21/2013

OP I think that there are a lot of things in your life that you cannot control, but one thing you can control is yourself and how you react to life circumstances. The first thing you need to do is work on your physical and mental health. Stop using TV and food to numb out. Use that time for long walks. Get a dog, that will force you to walk and provide companionship. The best thing I ever did was practice yoga. There are classes on line for free or a minimal cost. I do Meditation is good too. There is tons of stuff on YouTube for this. I think you need to expand spiritually and energetically then other things will fall into place. That job needs to go or at least demand or cash in your vacation time. Call in sick and focus on self love and self care. Don't give up. Keep venting its very healing. Just go outside or find a quiet place and just let it all out. Scream, cry, pray whatever. Just let it all out, if more comes up, let that out too. Another thing to try is release technique/learning which is a weekly call on a technique to get rid of negative emotions. Although, I really think you should talk to a mental health professional or even a pastor. Just stop being so self absorbed and work on meeting new people or doing something new, anything, even taking a different route to work. Actively seek. Heck, I'd even recommend Tony Robbins books or any motivational books from the library. Stay working on the things you can control - cleaning your house, working out, preparing healthy meals etc. Check out hungrygirl.comshe remakes comfort food into lighter low fat versions that might be a way to be satisfied and lose weight. Look into online courses. There are. Tons of bio science and lab tech jobs out there. that could be a stepping stone to moving to a new town, etc. Just please don't give up.

by Anonymousreply 4008/21/2013

Good luck to you OP. Darling man.

You cannot replace loved ones or manufacture respect. But you can nurture and respect yourself, and take yourself out of harm's way. You want to live, and can live better.

Yes you need a plan. But you need a shift and some luck and some courage too. I am sending you all good thoughts, hang in. You have a lot to offer. It's time to care for yourself at least half as much as you have cared for the ones you loved.

I respect you for your honesty and clarity. I don't know you, but I care. I put you in my harmless prayers. Good Luck.

by Anonymousreply 4108/22/2013

Well, this is definitely a thread I can relate to right now. But reading the stories (OP and Mark) has gotten me to snap out of my funk a bit. I have a lovely niece who is looking out for me. She's the most responsible and mature member of my family, I'm lucky to be in her hands, I shouldn't give up yet.

by Anonymousreply 4208/22/2013

OP, I'm really sorry to hear that. It sucks that medical insurace often doesn't cover psychological therapy in the US. Makes me glad I am European.

And that is a dilemma right there. The only thing I can think of is to take baby steps and don't ask too much from yourself. Maybe you could tackle the weight issue first? Because some success with this will make you feel better about yourself and make it easier to make contact with other people. And I know how hard emotional overeating can be to overcome. I have a dear friend who was severly abused in her childhood and teens, then choose the wrong men who resembled her psychopath father and she does the same thing with eating. I am afraid so far she has not found a long term solution but she did manage to loose a lot of weight several times and you can do that as well. Plus, you being a guy if you loose enough weight you can add the motivation of actually toning your body. You can do it! Maybe your health ensurance offers some guidance in loosing weight? It should be in their interest that you are healthy, shouldn't it. Maybe ask them about it.

And good luck, you can do it! :)

by Anonymousreply 4308/22/2013

OP, I am captivated and just going to assume you are genuine. It's better for the soul. I am full of the same self-pity as you, and yet, by every metric, my life is better. I am not trying to be a shit. I am just trying to say, your post shook me a bit. Even today, I was shitty to the Trader Joe's clerk who asked for my ID when I was buying wine. But that was because I am fighting my own private war. Then I read your post and realized, well, so isn't she? Aren't we all?

I am not going to give you the same advice as everyone else but I am not going to shit on their advice, EXCEPT: I would ignore all the people telling you to sue / blame / otherwise appeal to authority. Yes, what you are experiencing is unjust. But appealing to authority is bad for the soul. It's not what you need now. Almost everything you need can come from you.

First, total candor: you will always be treated poorly because you are fat. You will generate reflexive contempt and disgust in others. And should you manage to lose weight, people will treat you much, much nicer. It is the truth. It sucks. Some people have the character to live with the weight you have. I suspect many things in life will become easier if you can shed a good deal of it. Getting under 200 lbs is possible. I would recommend eschewing any exercise other than walking (you already have plenty of that) and looking into Atkins / Gary Taubles style diets. Look them up. They work, especially for the obese.

Second, the fact you are into bears is great news. Maybe the ones you have met so far like twinks but plenty of bears like other big guys. They are more achievable for you than, say, if you were telling us you were pining for the unattainable 22 y/o muscle boy.

Third, I am not going to shove religion down your throat, but even if you don't believe, there is a peace and beauty to the stories of the Bible and the text of it that can be very calming and mind-opening. They will take you out of your mind and your problems. So will any very good reading. Church itself also has ritual handed down for generations that connects with the subconscious. I like solemn Catholic and high Episcopal services.

Fourth, a spark of desire will change everything. I am not going to say it's all in your head, but the most important part is. An awakening, a hunger for something else, and a BELIEF that attaining it is possible, can Inception you. It can turn the threat of tomorrow into the promise of tomorrow. It can turn a slog into a fight. I DONT KNOW WHAT WILL LIGHT THAT SPARK FOR YOU. Some people *really* connect with self-help literature. I think because it provides a confrontational look at the self, in an era where most people avoid that kind of talk. Try looking on Youtube for Glengarry Glen Ross Alec Baldwin speech. Some find that oddly motivational. Dale Carnegie's How To Win Friends and Influence People, another time-tested favorite. Maybe it'll be conspiracy theories, or the occult, or whatever. But it will probably be something that completely gets you out of your head right now, that is not part of your world.

Fifth, write it down. What you feel, and also, what you want. It's not so impossible. Describe a life you think would be worth living. I guarantee you, there are intermediary steps to getting there that are ACHIEVABLE to you. And every little one of those steps you take will make you hungry to keep taking them. That kind of satisfaction and pride is worth more than money, more than status, and when we have it present in our lives, we no longer need to escape our feelings.

My heart goes out. Keep us updated.

by Anonymousreply 4408/22/2013

First of all, OP and Mark, you are both intelligent and articulate, and clearly have social, work, and empathy skills. Your communication abilities here show that.

Mark, you're not done with us on the planet yet. Sorry, but you've still got more work to do until you are excused from the table. But first, you need to start asking for help and be willing to receive it and follow suggestions. But NOT from a church or cult.

There has got to be some kind of talk counseling available to you, Mark, even if by phone or internet. Forward exactly what you've written here somewhere, anywhere. Maybe to a university psychology department? Grad students there need experience. My brother and his pals are licensed psychs. I'm going to run this by them.

OP, please keep reading my post. You have a job and are 32, so that's at least something --despite your shitty past and horrible current circumstances.

For both of you guys, my unprofessional opinion is that you both need someone caring and professional to talk to in order to handle your immediate circumstances and shitty environments. I'm on meds. They help you not to want to shoot yourself in the head right now (Mark, if I could send you my meds, I would) but both of you will have to change your surroundings and maybe your own behaviors in the long term. That's a given. Don't give in yet. There are meditation and breathing exercises that can help you make it through the long days and nights.

As others have suggested, taking long, relaxing walks and observing nature is priceless, at any income or stress level.

Mark, you have acquired skills in home healthcare, and probably hospice. That's what you need to do. And also find someone to love who loves you back. There's a lid for every pot.

OP, keep your mouth shut at your job, collect the paychecks, save up, take walks, don't worry about your weight right now, document all work-related injustices (but sit on them for now) don't worry about not finishing college for now, then start applying for similar jobs far away from the Red Fuck State you're in. You're working at a 1,500 person firm. You're doing something well. Plan your escape rather than have it happen due to drama. You're only 32 for fuck's sake. You're a bear cub. OP, there are a million bears out there who would love to suckle the honey off your Moob Mipples, if you'd let them. Or you'll be the one leading the show. You're not 13 anymore.

We reinvent ourselves and create the family that we chose everyday. .

You'll only "let them win" by staying in that hellhole. Life can be wonderful. Get out and go move to a blue state. MOVE ON. No excuses.

I had a shitty childhood, managed to get myself through college, became a millionaire scientist, had a partner of 25 years, met wonderful friends, and traveled the world. But I was born in San Francisco. So many opportunities and options that you guys didn't have. Your stories really creep me out, I'd like to think I'd survive that and get out. I'd like to think you have hope if you keep open minds and have patience.

Environment is a big deal. But you gotta be open to doing new things and being in new places that you're not yet comfortable with.

In my youth, had to let go of my resistance of accepting love and help. It wasn't monetary. Always expected strings attached, and there often were some.

Now I'm 52, cancer is everywhere, have lost most everything (house, partner, job, savings, mobility), but I got to live many of the dreams I worked for. At least half of the fun was getting out of my own funk and being able to help friends, nieces, neighbor's kids, my cats, etc., along the way.

Some days I can force myself to get out of bed in my room in a Section 8 house across town, shower, and take a 2 block walk into the park (thanks to help from a retired former neighbor) to see natural beauty. The five-star dinners in Paris and the shroomed-out snorkeling in Bali don't compare.

This thread makes me feel like I must now learn how to man some sort of suicide or help or hospice hotline and I've never felt more excited. Don't

by Anonymousreply 4508/22/2013

know what I can offer anymore, but would love to lend an ear to guys like op and Mark.

by Anonymousreply 4608/22/2013

You've not had a day off since 2005?? What kind of a country is this? Move to Europe.

by Anonymousreply 4708/22/2013

You are very young, can change your life if you try. Try being 54, and working a job you really hate, I do my best to make life a little better for myself.

by Anonymousreply 4808/22/2013

'There's nothing quite as good as feeling sorry for yourself, is there?'

by Anonymousreply 4908/22/2013

To Those Who Are Contemplating Suicide-PLEASE DON'T DO IT. I know and feel your pain. I am a military veteran and have seen the lowest nadirs of the evil forces on this planet. I hate going to sleep as I always have nightmares about things I will NOT describe here but I refuse to give in and refuse to give up. I just keep working hard to find the beauty of life and the beauty within. You can too. I had to relocate to a different state to find some peace of mind and you should try to do that as well, even in an unknown environment where you can sever all ties with the past and present. You can also find help out there. It matters very much to me to stay alive and it should matter to you, even if that appears difficult to do. As the saying goes "if you can't see the beauty in yourself buy a new mirror."

by Anonymousreply 5008/22/2013

R49 There is a difference in feeling sorry for oneself and being mentally and emotionally exhausted from constant bullying by people who consider themselves above reproach.

I hate that statement, It's a bullshit generalization meant to marginalize others. Even worse it's used as a defense mechanism and a "last word" by people with tiny minds who have no concept of a world beyond themselves.

The fact that my name IS Michael, and that the fact of the restroom fiasco became well known through the gossips at the company leads me to wonder if your one of the closet case bastards at my job who stands idly by watching injustice and oppression take place with indifference because it doesn't directly affect them.

Whether your one of them or not, I suspect that your one of their ilk. In which case I'd like to sincerely invite you to go to Hell.

I'm already in a pissy mood based on the fact that I was woken up before the alarm went off this morning by some of the shit at work that no one else handles.

So yes, troll, you get an emotional response.


by Anonymousreply 5108/22/2013

To the OP, Mark, and everyone who has posted positive messages on this board - thank you for your honesty, and for telling us of your experiences.

I'm so sorry that life is so dark and difficult for you. Mine is for me too, at the moment. Your generosity and eloquence shine through and it's obvious that you are both caring, kind and generous people. Believe me, the world really needs individuals like you at the moment.

I'm sorry, I don't have any advice to offer, but I just want you to know that you are not alone. As we all know, at times, the DL can be a snarky and nasty place to be, but the responses you have received have proved that people do care. Please don't ever give up. I hope that circumstances change for both of you and that you find the happiness, love and life that you both deserve. Lots of love xx

by Anonymousreply 5208/22/2013

So sorry, OP. And no, I do not think this is an EST: Too much thought, detail, authenticity have gone into your post. I applaud you for getting it out there. I've been in many of the 'stuck' places you talk about. I join the others who insist that you start by talking all this out with a good therapist. You may feel like, 'Oh, what's the use? At this point?' but you sound smart, genuine, and you're probably kind and sensitive and honest. You matter, no matter what you think. I hope you will make a move toward some change. You sound like you have a lot to offer the world. I also agree that your asshole boss needs to be investigated and prosecuted. Please start documenting everything as carefully as you have laid out your overall situation. That is, if you have not started doing that already. Much will revolve around this information. I wish you the best and I do hope things begin to look up for you.

by Anonymousreply 5308/22/2013

R45, am curious how you lost all your money. Tell us a little more about your story.

by Anonymousreply 5408/22/2013

OP go see a therapist NOW and get on some medication.

Cliche, but it does get better.

by Anonymousreply 5508/22/2013

I saw a number of therapist and thought they were all pretty much assholes. Especially the first one who was even openly abusive, because I was so beaten down at the time, she knew I'd put up with it. If you have insurance to pay for it, I give it a shot I guess, but beware of all the incompetent and abusive therapists out there, in my experience they're commonplace.

by Anonymousreply 5608/22/2013

OP and Mark, you have to stick around, if only to see how long Lady Gaga's career will last and what new signs of dementia Madonna will have to stick around.

by Anonymousreply 5708/22/2013

It sounds trite, but happiness doesn't come from the outside. If you don't make any changes, then don't expect anything to change. I was bordering on 250 lbs and felt horrible about myself in general, much like you, OP. I lost weight, started getting out more, and started meeting people as a consequence. I was tired of feeling miserable and as if the whole world was against me. The pity party starts and stops with you, OP. So what are YOU going to do about it? Not meaning to sound harsh, because I've been there. Truth is I'm still there many days, but you control your destiny. Control it.

by Anonymousreply 5808/22/2013

OP, you're still young and there are countless great opportunities and experiences out there but you will need to seek them out. Like the others have pointed out, you need to get out of that hovel of a job and seek advice from a lawyer regarding the hostile environment.

I suffered depression at a young age and for years, constantly thought of offing myself. I didn't get along with my family or my friends, hated going to university, hated going to work and just felt that everything would be better of if I just killed myself so I didn't have to think of dealing with life any longer. It got to the point where I almost got kicked out of uni for poor grades that I decided to take a vacation away from the poisonous environment I was in and decided to see what life was like outside. I'm glad I took a break away from it all because for the first time in years, I was happy and saw such beauty in nature, in fellow human beings and realized the power of existence.

You sound like a wonderful, insightful person and you deserve happiness. If you can afford it, take some time off and go somewhere warm and sunny.

by Anonymousreply 5908/22/2013

You just need hope, OP. Start saving, and get a plan to move to a larger city. You are still young, and can easily turn things around.

by Anonymousreply 6008/22/2013

Hi OP. I wish there was a way for me to reach out to you personally so we could talk. First of all, are you near a major city? You need to talk to a lawyer who practices in labor discrimination issues. Do NOT consult a lawyer in your rural area, none of them have enough experience in this area of law, and word will get out at work.

Next, reach out to the members of your extended family, give them a chance. Maybe they don't think of you because out of sigh out of mind. They may think you have this nice life carved out for yourself and so they don't call. Let them know you are lonely without your parents and would really like a Thanksgiving/xmas invitation. Call. Just do it.

Then, you are young enough to consider a career change, even if it means more education. You indicated you work for a family business, what happens if a member of that family needs a job? You could be out the door. Is there a community college in your area? Look into the nursing program. Nurses make a lot of money and there are jobs everywhere. You could move from your rural area to a larger city with a more diverse population (but stay connected to your extended family!) It may mean standing up for yourself at work and work a normal 40 hour week, it may also mean quitting and living off of some student loans for a while, but school could be great for you. Think about it!

I wish to g-d I could reach out and hug you. Please consider my advice.

by Anonymousreply 6108/22/2013

Do you have the kind of job where you could transfer to another city ? I think a big change like that may help. New work people etc. If not, maybe try joining a group or volunteering someplace that interests you. The animal shelters always need help.

by Anonymousreply 6208/22/2013

OP and Mark, and for anyone else out there that relates to this thread, and has ever had a temporary dark mood due to very understandable, situational stress,

Do any of you read books? Have you run across any that offer more than pablum and pithy sayings?

It's extremely difficult to find a good therapist, and I firmly believe most really need a life coach or substitute parent instead, which is even harder to locate. Connecting online is difficult if one is worried about being a burden or worse, again being taken advantage of or used in some way or dissed. I'm not saying people shouldn't try; I'm just being realistic, and saying some may be helped if they are readers.

by Anonymousreply 6308/22/2013

There's a lot of us in the U.S. right now OP. We should all meet up somewhere and make some Kool Aid.

by Anonymousreply 6408/22/2013

Op, try to stay strong. Please know that you are not alone.

by Anonymousreply 6508/22/2013

I completely believe everything in your post. I wish I could help you. I have been there.

I am sending big hugs and listen to some of the god advice posted by others here.

by Anonymousreply 6608/22/2013

good advice...sorry!

by Anonymousreply 6708/22/2013

Much love, OP. Thinking about you.

by Anonymousreply 6808/22/2013

If I didn't have family, I would probably just move on. I've seen enough.

by Anonymousreply 6908/22/2013

r54, here's partly how I lost my money and it is mostly my fault:

1) Thinking I was invincible, I gave half of my fortune away to my favorite charities, including Greenpeace and many other environmental organizations; helped nieces and nephews get through college; was a major benefactor to a phenomenal local charity for people called "Glide Memorial".

Please note that every penny I donated went to useful, efficient causes. I tracked their activities closely. None of my nieces or nephews had an easy ride through college. I paid for things like tuition and moving or travel expenses. A bit of living expenses. All of them had to work at least part-time just to get by. None of them took out any kind of loan. I pushed two nephews into college while they were considering joining the military. I got what I wanted.

Unlike the OP and Mark, I do have friends and family who I think would be there for me if I were honest about my condition and reached out to them.

2) After being laid off from a long career, I took my partner around the world, Business Class. We'd already "seen the world" and he was still a cunt. What was I thinking? Was trying to make lemonade out of a relationship which should have ended years ago. Was traded in for a much younger model. I have to pay palimony. I respect the boytoy more than my ex.

3) My arrogance and/or ignorance left me with a horrible health insurance plan. I honestly don't think I could have done much better. Can't wait for Obamacare. I need it. Anything. Got colon cancer and had several seizures. With high deductibles, had to limit out my credit and sell my house. Am too young for Medicare and too rich for MediCal. BuhBye last $250K.

My life was so much easier than OP's and especially Mark's. I had the opportunity to dream, despite a shitty childhood. I aggressively pursued those dreams until my body decided to shut down.

I will die with zero regrets, but I still enjoy life and want to help others before checking out.

by Anonymousreply 7008/23/2013

I feel your pain, OP.

My parents are dead, my siblings might as well be. I have an uncle who I'm closed to but he's old and is experiencing tremendous hardship...oh and he lives in Mexico City.

My mom and i were very close and I cared for her the last year and a half of her life which still haunts me. Since she died, I feel a dark emptiness inside...especially around the holidays.

I'm alone and I've been unemployed for over a year now. I'm in my mid 40s and owe over hundred thousand in student loans. I defaulted on them when I was my mom's caregiving and every so often some callous, cuntfaced collection agency will make my life a living hell. I could drive to the Golden Gate bridge which is less than an hour from where I live and jump but I won't give up... besides, imagine if I jumped off the GG and survived. Now that would suck! I can at least take long walks for solace but I don't imagine after surviving a jump off the Golden Gate that I'd be able to do that anymore.

When i'm feeling blue, I waddle like a duck and sing:

ain't nothin gonna breaka my stride, nobody gonna slow me down, oh no, I got to keep on moving.

Suddenly, the sadness is lifted and I'm breaking out into uncontrollable laughter.

Try it sometime....

by Anonymousreply 7108/23/2013

OP I was in a similar job wise and friend wise situation for a couple of years. Trust me when I say this. It is never too late to turn your life around. It is never too late for things to get better. I'm finally having a blast in my mid thirties. More than I ever did in high school or my twenties.

See a therapist. If you can't do that, get some self help books. There are many good ones out there. Free at the library.

Look at for groups that suit your interests. Even if they're a little bit of a distance, try it out once.

And I agree with others about the job. You need to leave ASAP. There are career counselor at some libraries and job workshops at local high schools and colleges. Its a toxic work environment and you're only destroying yourself by continuing to work with them.

by Anonymousreply 7208/23/2013

What a story! Everything but the bloodhounds snappin' at her rear end.

by Anonymousreply 7308/23/2013

We can't keep the OP on life support. We just can't.

I'd say visit veterans in hospitals with their limbs blown off. Or the burn ward, people who would trade your 'doldrums' for some healthy skin. Or read to blind people. Stop navel-gazing.

OP, you're what Sylvia Plath described as being trapped in the stagnant air of "the bell jar". Everything is ugly, hopeless, pointless. Nothing is going to get you out of it but doctors, prescriptions and shcok treatments.

by Anonymousreply 7408/23/2013

Bon Voyage, OP. Have a safe journey!

by Anonymousreply 7508/23/2013

If you really can't stand it, strap a bomb to yourself and blow up some antigay leader.

by Anonymousreply 7608/23/2013

OP I have an overeating/stress disorder too. OA is ONLINE, you can be anonymous.

I am not as heavy as you but I also have plantar fasciitis, and I'm going through a fucked up knee.

OA is like therapy, you can vent there, there are two places to go to OA - one is THE RECOVERY GROUP & the other is 12STEPS4COES

Please look into it.

PS, you sound like a really nice person, and I mean that.

The other thing that helps me when I'm down in the dumps is reading zen books, they are calming.

One step at a time BROTHER...


by Anonymousreply 7708/23/2013

OP, I re-read this thread, and what's bothering me more than anything is the implication that you're enduring this work situation because you see it as a contest of wills, and you're bound and determined to win, or if you can't win (you can't) you're going to do a Cool Hand Luke and just keep getting back up off the ground to let them hit you again and again.

Get the Hell out of there. There is no winning this. You can't change them. You can't prove anything to them. All you can do is destroy yourself in the process.

by Anonymousreply 7808/23/2013

R71 -- thanks for telling us your story. Life takes turns in the strangest directions. Sometimes it's because we make mistakes, other times it's those around us, and then it's also Fate taking us places we'd never otherwise go. I hope things go well for you.

by Anonymousreply 7908/23/2013

r71 thank you for sharing your story. Please reach out to your family and be honest about your situation, they will be devastated if they learn the truth after you are gone. Be open to receive and get out of your ego. You need and deserve love and help.

by Anonymousreply 8008/23/2013

Thank you for your honesty OP and Mark, I don't have anything new to say but please hang in there and pay heed to the advice on this thread. You can turn this around, you never know what tomorrow may bring.

by Anonymousreply 8108/24/2013

The OP may well be a troll with a lot of time on his hands. If not...well, then why would any thinking person who is severely depressed unburden himself on a bitchy gossip board? That's just fucking stupid. He's looking for comfort and emotional support from DATALOUNGERS? How ridiculous. And paid 18 dollars to do it? Even more ridiculous.

If the OP is serious, he needs to get help from mental health professionals. If he's a troll he just needs to shut the fuck up.

by Anonymousreply 8208/24/2013

Sounds like a serious pattern of abuse and harrassment OP. Can you give us a hint about who these people are?

by Anonymousreply 8308/24/2013
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