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British tab: My Fella Went Down On Me And Found Next Door's Missing Kitten

English rose.

by Anonymousreply 3306/02/2015

WHEN Mandy Mountain’s latest fella recoiled in horror while giving her oral pleasure, she wondered what on earth was wrong.

Only when the ashen-faced bloke emerged from between her thunderous thighs clutching the flattened remains of a KITTEN did she realise this was no ordinary bedroom mishap.

The 55-stone blubbergut had earlier SQUASHED the unfortunate mog and its grisly fate only came to light when her beau discovered the pancake-flat cat in her folds of flab.

Mandy, 25, revealed: “Poor little Buttons must have suffocated when I rolled over. I never even noticed.

“It wasn’t even my kitten - I was looking after him for my neighbours.

“My boyfriend was going down on me when he shrieked and leapt back, sobbing.

“He must have been in there dead for some time, at least three or four hours.

“We gave him a proper burial, and broke the news to my neighbours. But I feel so terrible about it. I can’t apologise enough.

“And I’m now willing to try anything to lose some weight. This is the wake-up call I needed.”

But Mandy - real name Amanda Simmons - makes a decent living from being so big. She earns up to £60,000 a year posing for men with a fetish for larger ladies.

The 64EE babe from Charleston, West Virginia, has to scoff a staggering 20,000 calories a day in order to maintain her terrifying tonnage.

That’s the equivalent of 36 Big Mac burgers, or twelve giant pepperoni pizzas - every single day.

Mandy’s chunky thighs measure an amazing six feet in circumference - the same size as a fully-grown larch. The model explained: “I’ve never had a real job, but I’ve always been able to make money modelling.

“Men love my buttery lumps and bumps. And I enjoy being worshipped like some sort of massive goddess.

“But I also love animals. I’d never even hurt a fly. So to accidentally kill a gorgeous little kitten is too much for me to take.

“And my boyfriend Clint’s taken it bad too. He’s started wetting again.”

by Anonymousreply 107/30/2013

My God, what has the world come to? I CAN'T TAKE ANYMORE!

by Anonymousreply 307/30/2013

So who called the tabloid? Most people wouldn't run out and share that kind of story with the world. I'm more grossed out by how proud she seems to be, than by the cat pancake (seen a million of those on Hoarders).

And "he's started wetting again"? WTF???

by Anonymousreply 407/30/2013

Let's see - "her thunderous thighs", "her folds of flab", "her terrifying tonnage", "Mandy’s chunky thighs" and "her buttery lumps and bumps"...I'm beginning to sense this gal's rather portly, no?

by Anonymousreply 807/30/2013

I'd hoped this was a parody or urban legend. Sadly, I was mistaken. I suppose this woman selling her story to the tabloids is no different than Kim Kartrashian or Paris Hilton selling sex tapes. Anything for that 15 minutes.

by Anonymousreply 907/30/2013

[quote]But Mandy - real name Amanda Simmons - makes a decent living from being so big. She earns up to £60,000 a year posing for men with a fetish for larger ladies.

That's more than a decent living, that's pretty damn sweet!

Anyone got any links to help a chubby gal earn some money?

by Anonymousreply 1107/30/2013

The last line seals the story beautifully.

by Anonymousreply 1407/31/2013

Until just now, I didn't know it was possible to laugh and dry-heave simultaneously.

by Anonymousreply 1507/31/2013

wtf. can't they put her in jail for animal abuse?

by Anonymousreply 1607/31/2013

They're not British.

by Anonymousreply 1707/31/2013

[quote]Only when the ashen-faced bloke emerged from between her thunderous thighs clutching the flattened remains of a KITTEN did she realise this was no ordinary bedroom mishap.

What, pray tell, is an ordinary bedroom mishap?

by Anonymousreply 1808/02/2013

Here's the article:

by Anonymousreply 1905/30/2014

.

by Anonymousreply 2005/30/2014

The Larch

by Anonymousreply 2105/30/2014

I bet the ashen faced bloke is far more embarrassed than Mandy. This explains why animal shelters have a screening process before adoption.

by Anonymousreply 2205/30/2014

I reckon she's a Lee Pace fan

by Anonymousreply 2305/30/2014

With all those fat rolls and not being able to reach down there to clean can you just imagine the SMELL between that beast's legs???

by Anonymousreply 2405/30/2014

[quote]With all those fat rolls and not being able to reach down there to clean can you just imagine the SMELL between that beast's legs???

Smells like warm bread dough and old prawns.

by Anonymousreply 2505/30/2014

Normally I can't bear ANY story in which an animal is harmed in ANY way, but A.) this never happened and B.) the writing style is hilarious!

by Anonymousreply 2605/30/2014

I just don't know whether to laugh or cry... I love the kitty song...

by Anonymousreply 2705/30/2014

R25 That is what probably killed the poor thing-all that poisonous gas.

by Anonymousreply 2805/30/2014

Tabloids print these obviously made up stories for their own protection. They claim that they are "entertainment" not "news". In this way, when they print an article that XXX is an alcoholic, they can hide behind the obviously faked articles.

by Anonymousreply 2905/30/2014

If this isn't proof that het guys will do ANYTHING for pussy then I don't know what is.

by Anonymousreply 3006/02/2015

Damn Girl! Your pussy smells like something died in there!

by Anonymousreply 3106/02/2015

I read an article once which quoted emergency room staff on things they've found in fat folds. Skin can grow over coins that stick to the flesh. It went on to describe some horrific thrush cases.

by Anonymousreply 3206/02/2015

Would a straight guy really go down on her? I find it hard to believe.

Besides the awful funk he would be sure to encounter down there, how would he even be able to find the hole?

I find this story doubtful, but fucking hilarious.

by Anonymousreply 3306/02/2015
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