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Let's Pretend We're New Yorkers!

I just got arrested at the corner of Stuyvesant and 83rd for licking a homeless man's anus. I met him at the David Barton, you know, that one with the shrub and the Dominican panhandler. I had to call my lesser throuplemate for advice, but he had troubles of his own - he was waiting on line at the Duane Reade at Houston and the L Train when some hipster bitch set herself on fire. You could tell she was originally a flyover, because her breasts were so pale and low. I then called my greater (richer) throuplemate, who took the S train at 73rd, Avenue 9, and the M trolley, bringing five pails of the finest wasabi pancake lasagna to the station for those hot, hot guido cops.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 8411/14/2014


by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 107/24/2013

I'm going to miss Splash! It's where my soul died in 1995. Who needs a soul, though, when you make $850,000 a year?

Also, has anyone seen my boyfriend? He was supposed to bring home those new arugula cupcakes, but instead I got bacon doughnuts. I sent him out to make the switch, and I haven't heard from him since.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 207/24/2013


by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 307/24/2013

OP, can you do something productive and find that thread about straight girls who are fascinated with gay guys?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 407/24/2013

My favorite porn star was in a fight with my favorite drag queen at the corner of 90th, Vanderbilt, and E. They were causing quite a scene; even the stockbrokers getting their cocks sucked stepped outside of their booths. I felt the rent for the nearest three blocks start to twitch.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 507/24/2013

I'd rather live in New York than swim with the alligators in Los Angeles Bay, rollerblade to my cubicle in Atlanta, or hawk shrimp at the markets in Denver. This is the heart of civilization.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 607/24/2013

Are native New York women generally known for having tanned, high breasts?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 707/24/2013

Oh gurlfriend, I jus saw ANDERSON fucking COOPER!!!! I'm moist with excitement. The upper east side and he was wearing marvey shorts, , flip flops and tanker-roomi T top and was gorgeous. Oh Mary, I'm fanning my mussy over him.

He looks jus like his mother!!!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 807/24/2013


by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 907/24/2013

Only a flyover would ask that, R7. Have you taken your daily syphilis medication yet? Those spirochetes can affect a beautiful New York mind sometimes.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1007/24/2013

I'm sixty, flirty, and thriving! Tug on my nacreous nipple rings for good luck - those cuntresses Jerryn, Sanuel, Maryo, and Derryk have asked me to go to Fire Island, but I'm holding out hope that Chadd's blatino husbear drives us to Provincetown in his gilded mobile bodega instead.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1107/24/2013

I'm not from NY (from Sweden) but I've spent time there.

But I read these ridiculous posts about NY, presumably by Americans, and they come off as so bitter and sad.

Do you get all of your information about NY from DL?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1207/25/2013

Did you pass through New York on your way to Toronto, Olaf? There is no "Chicken Soup For The Soul" when you discover that your tattoo-riddled, artfully emaciated boyfriend has baked all his rhubarb and starfruit pies in the nude.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1307/25/2013

Want to really stir things up ?

Let's pretend we're the OP from this thread.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1407/25/2013

Nice try, R14, but that is something a New Yorker would actually do.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1507/25/2013

R13, OP, R2, all spewing bile, proving the point that these anti-NYC trolls really are one big blob of poison. Like a nasty boil that needs to be lanced...

Wow. Just wow.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1607/25/2013

Native New Yorkers do not try too hard to be New Yorkers, get my drift?

Flyovers and others who now live here, seem to have this bizarre need to be part of the latest trends. Most of them are way too ridiculous in their attempts to be in-the-know about any new nonsense the media presents to them as 'must have' or 'must do'.

Who do you think waits on lines for $8 cupcakes and other such bullshit, certainly not native New Yorkers. New Yorkers laugh at idiots who pay $8 for a cupcake!

Native New Yorkers have a 'who gives a shit' attitude about most trendy bullshit, I can tell a transplant a mile away. I actually wish they would go away! These are the same assholes with more money than brains who are buying over priced co-ops in Bushwick and Long Island City, these are the sheeple who are ruining New York City!

Who were all the young women walking around the city trying to be Carrie Bradshaw? Certainly not native New Yorkers!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1707/25/2013

Even Carrie wasn't a native, but I think they gave her some bullshit line about having lived there long enough to be considered a New Yorker.

The Sex and the City craze did so much more harm than good. I remember an article about people in retail complaining about hags who would overrun their stores during sales trying to buy stuff made by labels they couldn't pronounce just because they had seen it on Sex and the City. You could probably go on and on with examples.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1807/25/2013


by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 1907/25/2013

Hahahhhaa, OP & r11!

And r17, I'm also a native NYer and I totally agree. The place became unliveable enough to force me out.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2007/25/2013

The first thing I am going to do is move to California for the weather, and the beautiful people. Then I will proceed to tell them how shallow they all are and how much better New York is.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2107/25/2013

Everyone should move to LA and act like a celebrity. Forever wear sunglasses, eat where they eat, dress how they dress, and walk around with a sense of entitlement. Act as though you have people after you for your picture.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2207/25/2013

Some of us don't pretend.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2307/25/2013

LA is full of New Yorkers. In fact if you talk to people in Hollywood, 90% seem to be from out of state or from the east coast. It's almost a surprise when you find out someone grew up in LA.

They bring all the pretense with them, play it all of on each other and then complain about California.

Basically the same thing you guys complain about in NY from hicks trying to be New Yorkers. We got New Yorkers trying to be celebrities or Hollywood screenwriters.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2407/25/2013


R23: New Yorker snootiness at its apex!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2507/25/2013

We're sure OP meant to say standing "in line" at Duane Reade, since it describes people standing one-behind-the-other.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2607/25/2013

r17 should also read r26.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2707/25/2013

Lol at r27, NY regional dialect is stand on line, not in line.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2807/25/2013

Jesus, you mean New Yorkers have thin skin? The bullies of DL are not amused by this thread? Awwww.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 2907/25/2013

I just don't understand why every where else can't be just like NYC. I mean really, this city has it all, shopping at the hottest luxury retailers, the coolest little bars and clubs -THE EXCLUSIVITY! And it's only in New York. I get a rash if I step off this island and it's not either to the Hamptons, the left coast or Europe!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3007/25/2013

It's so hot right now! Has it ever been this hot anywhere before? I think I might die - who will water my arugula when I'm gone?

*6 Months Later*

Look at those Southern pussies, complaining about the cold! Suck it up!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3107/25/2013

OP, if you have no doubts whatsoever about your brilliance, you could just be that damn good. On the other hand...

"The Dunning-Kruger effect occurs when incompetent people not only perform a task poorly or incompetently, but lack the competence to realize their own incompetence at a task and thus consider themselves much more competent than everyone else. Put more crudely, they're too stupid to realize they're stupid."

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3207/25/2013

You claim to hate New York, and yet here you bitches are, obsessing over it.

New Yorkers don't think much about you at all, except when your trailer park catches fire.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3307/25/2013

Excellent parodies of New Yorker arrogance, R32 and R33! Please continue.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3407/25/2013

And a "trolley" is what, a new Carvel cake?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3507/25/2013

Op is trying to revive the aesthetic of Jim Carroll. Big Fail.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3607/25/2013

I just adore a penthouse view Darling I love you but give me Park Avenue

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3707/25/2013

We're stronger than the storm!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3807/25/2013

How dare you make fun of New York? Don't you know what we've done for you?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 3907/25/2013

Oh, the mustachioed parties! How the filth glowed in the moonlight! I loved the rapine and all the old-fashioned STDs... Ou sont les neiges d'antan, or as we once called it at the corner of Stuyvesant, 123rd, and Stuyvesant, cocaine?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4007/26/2013

[quote]I remember an article about people in retail complaining about hags

You mean salesgirls and salesbottoms. Who cares what they think?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4107/26/2013

We have to elect a Mayor this fall! From a police line-up of crooks and sleazebags! What do they think this is, Miami?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4207/26/2013

Lincoln Center, Columbus Circle, The Empire State, The Brooklyn Bridge, the Guggenheim, Washington Square, the Flatiron Building, Central Park... How many more places should I list before a real conversation starts?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4307/26/2013

Don't forget cronuts, R43!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4407/26/2013

I'm SUCH a fabulous FUG that You need a VISA to even come talk to me!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4507/26/2013

Always carry your handbag in the crook of your arm, gaudy label facing outwards!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4607/26/2013

r18, they were complaining about getting business? How fucking stupid.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4707/26/2013

I grew up riding the subways running with people, up in Harlem, down on Broadway. I'm no tramp but I'm no lady, talkin' that street talk. I'm the heart and soul of New York City! And love, love is just a passing word. It's the thought I had in a taxi cab that got left on the curb when he dropped me off at East 83rd.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4807/26/2013

I'm the risibly narcissistic "My New York Is Gone" thread. I can't believe anyone posted in me with a straight face. All the posters in me are lower and sadder than any flyover.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 4907/27/2013

I hate the transplants who think that because they're now in NYC, that A) they are suddenly somebody (as if they weren't before) and B) that no other place on Earth is good enough to live after going there

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5007/27/2013

"Turn to channel 8. It's not like there is a big nation out there that has different channels and stuff."

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5108/24/2013

I left NYC to teach at a major university in the Midwest.

I spend most of the time talking about my last trip back to NYC, when I'm going again and how much better everything is in NYC.

I've published a few pieces about how silly and stupid the locals are here.

I miss my friends most - for some reason I can't make any friends here.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5208/24/2013

I always send postcards so my hometown will know my rah-sha-sha address.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5308/26/2013

Wow OP/Frau - you've been marked very generously! I give you a D minus. The only reason you didn't Fail was because you used 'anus' in the first sentence, and that's gotta count for something.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5408/26/2013

Is there anything that inspires more jealousy on here than New York(ers)?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5508/26/2013

OP good stuff. I like the bit about the flyover hipster chick. And of course the rimming was a fun mention as well.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5608/26/2013

I give an F minus to all posters who took this seriously. Hardly funny. Rather pathetic. Obviously have never been to The Big Apple, and can't stand their own slug-like lives. Poor dears..

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5708/26/2013

R56 .. You're embarassing yourself. You really need to get out more often. Try something exotic, like the mall.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5808/26/2013

R54 / R55 / R57 / R58 is deliciously butthurt. Where's the sparkling, unique New York wit, love? We're waiting for only the most creative rejoinders... You can't let the rest of the world best you!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 5908/28/2013

I hate my self, my lover, my boyfriend's lover and my apartment, all because I don't work in a Fortune 500 company and earn over a half million dollars a year. What? People actually live on less than that? How is that possible?! Now I hate them too!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6008/28/2013

OP. I love your post

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6108/28/2013

R17 = Fran Lebowitz

And Fran's from Jersey

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6208/28/2013

OP best thing I read, laughed out loud.


by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6308/28/2013

I agree. And we do get in too much of a dither over this New Yawk thing. It is a fabulous city and the inhabitants are .. exactly what one would expect.

Write more stuff OP.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6408/28/2013

And I couldn't help but ask myself...

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6508/28/2013

I can't believe how sensitive NYCers! We make fun of everybody on Let's Pretend Threads and we all have fun with stereotypes.

F- NYCers!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6608/29/2013

It is interesting to me that over 80% of the posters on this thread surely live in Frauville Township, USA. And will never, (and should never) leave home. .. However, you can assuage your cob-webbed lives with pre-pubescent drivel like the subject matter of this insipid thread. .. Have fun, poor things.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6709/02/2013

[quote] And will never, (and should never) leave home.

Just like the African-American men living in NYC who risk stop and frisk when they leave home.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6809/02/2013

I'm from Nowheresville, Arkansas, but moved to NYC when I was 19 and got a job in the fashion industry. I have since adopted the hauteur of an 18th century duchess, even though I'm completely uneducated and really don't have much money.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 6909/02/2013

Just act rude

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7011/13/2014

I'm a recent female college graduate from the Midwest who moved to New York because I expected it to be just like [italic]Friends[/italic]. Even though I'm employed and I have roommates, my parents still have to help me out to make the rent.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7111/13/2014

I'm a 55-year-old male audition pianist casting replacements for [italic]Matilda[/italic], hoping none of them ask to sing "Tomorrow," "Over the Rainbow" or ANYTHING from [italic]Mary Poppins[/italic]. I did NOT go to Julliard and graduate with honors only to hear little girls screech those songs over and over again.

Yes, I've been inside Stephen Sondheim's sex dungeon. No, I'm not giving any more details.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7211/13/2014

you just can't get Raped in Astoria like you used to!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7311/13/2014

I'm a 90-year-old Jewish man. My wife died 20 years ago, I outlived the rest of my immediate family, I lost most of my extended family in the Holocaust, and I only get to see my kids, grandkids and great-grandkids at Bar and Bat Mitzvahs, weddings, funerals, Hanukkah and Passover. I've lived in the same 83rd street Brownstone since 1952, outliving three landlords, while the tenement in Brooklyn where I grew up is now the site of an artisanal bakery with eight-dollar cupcakes that really aren't that great for the price. And don't get me started on their Hamantashen. Oy vay izmir! My mother could pull better Hamantashen out of her ass than these schlemiels. Even my great-granddaughter can make better ones in her Easy Bake Oven, and she's seven years old!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7411/13/2014

I'm Stephen Sondheim. Even if you hate my music, every one of you would trade places with me in a minute and you know it.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7511/13/2014

We're Bruno and Vinnie, representatives for Teamsters Local 237, and you didn't see nothin'!

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7611/13/2014

NY is a great city. And believe it or not, most NYers are great, too.

DL-NYers are a thing apart though. Tiresome, snitty,superficial, materialistic, snobby, irksome, thin-skinned, facile, and, when you scratch the surface, many are shockingly racist.

Why don't they resemble the real NYers I know btw? Any theories?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7711/13/2014

[quote]Why don't they resemble the real NYers I know btw? Any theories?

You're from New York State?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7811/13/2014

I'm Michael Musto, pulling another column out of my ass along with other things.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 7911/13/2014

Nope. Try again, r78. And maybe try a dash of the famously incisive NY wit next time?

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 8011/13/2014

[quote]And maybe try a dash of the famously incisive NY wit next time?

Outside of New York, that's called mean-spiritedness.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 8111/13/2014

I just want to mind my own business.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 8211/13/2014

r6 bridge and tunnel transplant.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 8311/13/2014

I'm lining up at JFK now to catch my flight to Denver on November 24th.

by Moanie Loves Crotchyreply 8411/14/2014
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