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One Man Takes Issue With What It Means To Be Gay In The 21st Century

"Bray Away the Gay"

I've reached a conclusion: I'm not gay.

Oh, don't misunderstand me. I am definitely homosexual, 100-percent. Honey, I loves me some big, juicy mens. I just don't have the trappings to be a 21st-century gay. I am what I think of as "post-gay."

In many ways I am a stereotypical gay: I'm a wanton slut; I worship Judy, Cher, Gaga and the entire icon/diva canon (but I just don't get the Kylie thing); I think it's oodles of fun to put hooker makeup on 5-year-old girls. But in other ways I am hopelessly a "bad gay": I hate cooking; I am totally uninterested in fashion (if I've remembered to wear underwear, I've had a successful style day); opera and ballet just make me yawn; I have no interest in cock rings, poppers or gay porn (although all my hookups seem to think those are the magic ingredients of erotic ambiance).

But it's the more recent sociopolitical developments in the LGBT world that truly have me feeling out of synch. I first became aware of this in June 2010, when same-sex marriage became a reality in the state of New York and everyone at New York Pride seemed jubilant. I felt like a dinosaur. It had no emotional resonance with me whatsoever.

I feel the same way about the Supreme Court's recent rulings on DOMA and Prop 8. To be clear, I totally believe in marriage equality. Of course married same-sex couples should have all the rights and benefits that married opposite-sex couples have. Same-sex, interracial, interfaith -- it's all the same to me. I don't care what you do; just don't touch my rare houseplant collection! I was just struck by how removed from it all I felt. To be sure, part of that I chalk up to my perennially single status. The closest I come to marriage is sleeping with other people's husbands. It's not that I'm incapable of forging a real, lasting relationship. Sometimes I even tell a trick my real name!

But if I'm being totally honest, when it comes to gay marriage, I just don't care. I think marriage is a religious construct, monogamy is a fiction, and assimilation is for fools. Look at the culture around us: boring, bougie-ass, high-fructose-corn-syrup-loving, Prozac'd and Botoxed shopping zombies (aka "shombies"), consumerist cogs in the capitalist machine, all numbed by frozen pizzas and The Real Housewives of Amerikkka. You want to assimilate into that?

As for same-sex parenting, I mean, hey, whatever blows your skirt up, but I always thought that not being expected to have children was one of the huge advantages of the lavender lifestyle. Kids? Gross! Honey, I am proud to declare that I have Peter Pan syndrome and always will. I refuse to grow up. The moment you have kids, your story is over, and they become the main attraction. It's true. And children are so boring, unless they are being harvested for wig hair. So lustrous! I have a good friend of mine, a lesbian, who had been talking for years about wanting a baby. She had been endlessly at me about being the sperm donor. Hell no! I told her, "Get your sperm the way I do: Hang out at truck stops and after-hours clubs." She and her girlfriend eventually went to a sperm bank and procured some "high-quality Greek," a description that always made me think of yogurt. Anyway, I told her, "As soon as you have that kid, our friendship is over." It wasn't a threat but a prediction. And I was correct. No sooner did the (admittedly adorable) baby make her debut than my friend was always too tired, too busy or too stressed to hang out. And I refuse to dumb down my social life to activities that are child-friendly and sensibly scheduled.

Gay men with children just straight-up make me want to puke. I cannot stomach a 3-year-old with a nicer haircut and more expensive shoes than I have. Parents are always so fucking smug about their wriggling little balls of narcissism. Isn't the planet overpopulated enough? I give a bit more leeway to people who adopt, but I still think they'd be better off with a rescue puppy. Don't even try to cruise a hot guy pushing a baby stroller; they always look so offended. As if! Please, honey, I'm really not interested; the scent of diaper rash ointment isn't a turn-on. Really, there is no way in hell that I will knowingly date or hook up with a guy with kids. Not to seem immature or selfish, but if they have kids, they cannot possibly have enough time and attention to lavish on me, me, me!

Perhaps I am just spooked by what seems to be the overall flattening out of gay life. Where's the edge? Recently I watched the documentary I Am Divine, about the late, legendary John Waters muse. I was taken by the blatant anarchy and rawness of Divine and that entire scene. More, please! You will not find any of today's drag queens eating dog feces on camera; they're too busy hosting bachelorette parties at "drag dining" establishments. I'm happy the girls are getting work, but it all seems so middlebrow and watered-down.

Obviously gay life was edgier when it was "the love that dare not speak its name"; if something is secret, it's more exciting. It's not that I'm longing for the days when you could be fired, beaten or killed just for being gay or lesbian (which is still the case for many people, even right here in the good, old U.S.A., sadly); I think I'm just nostalgic for that sense that being gay was like being in a club, an exciting, underground world of sexy, irreverent, creative outcasts. I don't want to be reduced to just another demographic for advertisers.

I am increasingly out of touch, methinks. Recently I was browsing some online personals, and I thought "PNP" stood for "please, no Presbyterians." I had a date with a cute young fellow recently and tried a bit of humor to break the ice. "What do you call 100 Republicans at the bottom of the ocean?" I asked. "A good start!" He looked at me blankly and muttered, "I don't really get it." Has everyone lost their sense of humor? Am I the very last diva-loving, child-hating, man-stealing, shoplifting-for-the-fun-of-it fagatron around? Am I a one-man gay snide parade?

There are some folks who will read this and think I am just a bitter old queen. And I am. I truly, truly am! But c'mon, bitches! Won't somebody, anybody, please get their freak on?

by Anonymousreply 6511/02/2014

[quote] Look at the culture around us: boring, bougie-ass, high-fructose-corn-syrup-loving, Prozac'd and Botoxed shopping zombies (aka "shombies"), consumerist cogs in the capitalist machine, all numbed by frozen pizzas and The Real Housewives of Amerikkka. You want to assimilate into that?

Plenty of gay people have assimilated into that without marriage.

His points are boring. I'll admit to being stereotypical in some ways, but I also realize that wanting to suck dick does not mean you inherently have to love Judy and Barbra. This queen seems to be slow on the uptake.

by Anonymousreply 107/24/2013

His rant is about the gayest thing I have read. The flames were quite distracting.

by Anonymousreply 307/24/2013

R3 = Mrs White, with flames on the side of her face.

by Anonymousreply 407/24/2013

R2 is right. The author isn't Post-Gay, he's Meta-Gay.

by Anonymousreply 507/24/2013

This guy is the reason America hates/hated us for so long.

by Anonymousreply 607/24/2013

Who keeps posting these terrible, unfunny gay writers from one of the world's worst websites, HuffPo? Better question: WHY does someone keep posting them?

by Anonymousreply 707/24/2013

"...if I've remembered to wear underwear..."

Why do men who go commando insist on sharing that with everyone? Such narcissists.

by Anonymousreply 907/24/2013

Another self-important jackass who is trying tell everyone else how to be gay. What a bore.

1985 called. They want their homosexual back.

by Anonymousreply 1107/24/2013

I admire her candour! Slightly demented but funny,like a drag queen should be!

by Anonymousreply 1210/30/2014

He seems so incredibly juvenile.

by Anonymousreply 1410/30/2014

What a queen!

by Anonymousreply 1510/30/2014

Bitter older gays that have invested so much in being "edgy" or an "outsider" are pissed that second class citizenship of gays and lesbians is going away.

by Anonymousreply 1710/30/2014

What a shrieking bore.

by Anonymousreply 1810/30/2014

I don't care what you do; just don't touch my rare houseplant collection!

The gayest line ever uttered in a world full of potentially gayest lines?

It almost feels like a gay parody ala Mrs. Betty Bowers, the World's Best Christian or whatever.

by Anonymousreply 1910/30/2014

So, R16, I gather you're in favor of laws that forbid gay couples from adopting?

by Anonymousreply 2010/30/2014

Oh, no. Adoption is fine, R20. I heartily support adoption.

by Anonymousreply 2110/30/2014

I was on board with you r16 until your last part. That's more than a little homophobic. Gays are no more incompetent as parents than straights. And, many parents are deciding to raise their children as single parents anyway.

by Anonymousreply 2310/30/2014

This guy is pretty awful, and what makes that so clear is that he's obsessed with what everyone else is doing. Some gay people and some straight people want to get married. Some do not. Why is this guy so concerned with what other people want to do? No one's holding a gun to his head forcing him to get married and have a baby. He can still slut around, get day-drunk, do all the fun single-guy stuff that he's always done -- no one is trying to stop him.

The ranting is just so tiresome. Just do what you need to do to be happy and let other people go about their own business doing what makes them happy.

by Anonymousreply 2410/30/2014

When I used the word "equipped," R23, I didn't mean I think we are psychologically or emotionally competent, but rather that since we couple as two men or two women, we are not biologically equipped to create children. Creating children goes against the very essence of homosexuality, and I am alright with that.

Obviously, I should have read my post a time or two more before clicking "save post."

by Anonymousreply 2510/30/2014

Make that "incompetent" in R25. I think I'm coming down with something. Maybe Ebola.

by Anonymousreply 2610/30/2014

what r19 said, it seems like a parody or a troll.

by Anonymousreply 2710/30/2014


Du bist eine hausmann.

by Anonymousreply 2810/30/2014

Ugh. Like any of his points haven't been made a thousand times before. I don't disagree with everything he says (though certainly some of it), but his whole vibe of "I must be heard!!" is revolting. There's not one original thought in that whole piece. And, really, the "I don't think I'm gay because I don't do this or that" thing has been done to death.

by Anonymousreply 2910/30/2014

[quote] I don't care what you do; just don't touch my rare houseplant collection!

This article is on Huffpo, that means the audience is mostly straight. The point the article writer was making was that unlike some gay men who distance themselves from the word 'gay' because of its connotation as unmanly, the article writer is distancing himself from the word for other reasons. The use of the above quote and other things in the article is to make this especially clear.

by Anonymousreply 3010/30/2014

Completely agree r29, I am similar the the author in lifestyle but dear lord he is a tired blow hard repeating old points and pretending like he is such a unique special snowflake who must be heard.

by Anonymousreply 3110/30/2014

I rather like it. And I find his distaste for children quite refreshing.

by Anonymousreply 3210/30/2014

[quote] pretending like he is such a unique special snowflake who must be heard.

Is there a magazine, online or otherwise, where people don't do that?

by Anonymousreply 3310/30/2014

So original!

by Anonymousreply 3410/30/2014

People like this drive me crazy, like "Gay" was invented in the past five years. They need to get the fuck out of their little holes and clubs where they hide and see a lot more of the world before they whine away like the OP's post.

by Anonymousreply 3510/30/2014

Completely agree with him. The pro marriage and adoption freaks are taking things way too far.

by Anonymousreply 3610/30/2014

R31, the world is full of people, gay and straight, who think they are special snowflakes. Many of the gay men who adopted children think they are special snowflakes as well. "Our Jaden will be even a more special snowflake than we are - that is our goal!!"

by Anonymousreply 3710/30/2014

Yes, parents who love their children and want them to be special are the worst people in the world.

by Anonymousreply 3810/30/2014

[quote]I first became aware of this in June 2010, when same-sex marriage became a reality in the state of New York and everyone at New York Pride seemed jubilant

Uh, the Marriage Equality Act in NY was signed into law on June 24, 2011, and took effect on July 24, 2011.

by Anonymousreply 3910/30/2014

The author thinks gay life is being watered down and has lost its edge.

Sure, maybe that sucks, but that's the flip side of the coin. It might be cooler and edgier without equal rights, but I don't think it's "better."

What did people expect from the marriage equality movement? With equal benefits comes equal sacrifices - so all the joys of marriage and children (if one so chooses) will be accompanied with all the lame things about marriage and children. Duh. You don't have to partake. I haven't (yet?).

I just don't agree that subset of gays who choose to go down that route have done some huge disservice to the broader gay community.

I think it's also telling that the success of the marriage equality movement happened to overlap with the rise of the internet, smart devices, etc. I think that if you're gay and you don't like the loss of edge, the "watering down" of gay life, then it's up to you to go foster that edge somewhere. Be proactive about it. You're certainly not alone. There are many gay people who bemoan the loss of "edge" and do not want to live the suburban family lifestyle (or the hip urban family lifestyle).

But, we have the internet and all our gadgets now, so the only proactive thing people do is bitch about the situation, endlessly, without really doing anything. There's truly nothing less edgy than that.

by Anonymousreply 4010/30/2014

And just WHY did that douchenozzle feel the need to tell the world that? Who cares what he thinks? Narcissistic drivel. I agree with some of it, okay, but this guy sounds like a total asshole. "Sleeping with people's husbands?" "I might tell a trick my real name?" Indeed, indeed, this IS why they hate us. There is no "one" way to be gay.

by Anonymousreply 4110/30/2014

O.P., you may drop your Gay Card in the bucket by the exit on your way out. And don't let the door hitcha where the Good Lord splitcha!

by Anonymousreply 4210/30/2014

That's precisely how I feel, r38.

by Anonymousreply 4310/30/2014

What a pathetic old queen. Who is he kidding? You can't keep up the club kid lifestyle forever. And from the sound of it he's already way past his sell-by date. Peter pan syndrome? Ick. Nothing is more cringe inducing than an old dude who still acts like a narcissistic teenager.

The day will come, and soon, when this shallow, self absorbed man-child becomes invisible within the edgy, creative, youth culture community he craves to be a part of. I predict suicide.

by Anonymousreply 4410/31/2014

There is not one person in any gay equality group I ever met who corresponds with his image of what the "gay community" is. It's just a fake straw man, as usual, for the tap dancing of his own neurotic self-regard.

by Anonymousreply 4511/01/2014

Ooooh. Like no one has every conjured some kind of post-gay definition before.

*rolls eyes, like a real homo does*

by Anonymousreply 4611/01/2014


by Anonymousreply 4711/01/2014

I don't care who he goes to bed with, he sounds shallow, self absorbed and selfish.

by Anonymousreply 4811/01/2014

Well I for one thinks he has some points.

The whole let us be like the straights ,if we are not we get told this is why they hate us ?

Seriously the reason they hate us is we exist and some people will always hate us.

I get the strong conformity gene we have in us that tells us to assimilate. The Jews in Germany and Europe tried to do that as well, but the hate did not stop.

To hate people because they have stereotypical behaviours that you feel ashamed of,maybe satisfying to those who think they are so so different from these people.

But guess what? To the redneck, you are just as much a fag as the drag queen.

by Anonymousreply 4911/01/2014

R49, your whole theory founders on one unarticulated but present idea: that many of us are suppressing our true natures to be like the straights.

For many gay people, without even thinking, we are already very much like the straights anyway.

by Anonymousreply 5011/02/2014

Geez -- I miss all the ballsy gay guys who died.

They were replaced by envious geldings.

by Anonymousreply 5111/02/2014

[quote] They were replaced by envious geldings.

Haters gonna hate.

by Anonymousreply 5211/02/2014

Yeah totally agree, OP. Why people feel they have to have kids us beyond me. With straight people I get. They fuck, she gets knocked up and pops one. We fuck, no one gets pregnant. Let's be grateful and leave it at that. Sponsor a Darfur orphan.

by Anonymousreply 5311/02/2014

[quote] For many gay people, without even thinking, we are already very much like the straights anyway.

Most straights aren't even like straights. They just want people to like them.

by Anonymousreply 5411/02/2014

By the third line there is irrefutable evidence that OP is gay. Get over it. Stop self-hating.

by Anonymousreply 5511/02/2014

Well, while you may love yourself, r55, you obviously hate reading.

by Anonymousreply 5611/02/2014

He's on YouTube, and is about the most annoying, stereotypically nelly queen you could ever imagine. Here's a nauseating clip with porn star Christopher Daniels where he exhibits all those worst cliches of gay men.

by Anonymousreply 5711/02/2014

[quote] about the most annoying, stereotypically nelly queen you could ever imagine.

Whereas you, you're one of the good ones! You're alright.

by Anonymousreply 5811/02/2014

[quote]Recently I was browsing some online personals, and I thought "PNP" stood for "please, no Presbyterians."

Trying way too hard.

by Anonymousreply 5911/02/2014

I have the impression he's trying to establish a career as a comedian or a satirist.

Which is probably the funniest thing about him.

by Anonymousreply 6011/02/2014

[quote]Trying way too hard.

You can say that again; particularly when you view his Homewerq channel. Bitch knows his sexual anagrams.

by Anonymousreply 6111/02/2014

[quote] Trying way too hard.

Funny how straights never get accused of this. Funny-peculiar that is.

by Anonymousreply 6211/02/2014

[quote]Funny how straights never get accused of this.

They get accesed of this all the time.

by Anonymousreply 6311/02/2014

[quote]I have the impression he's trying to establish a career as a comedian or a satirist.

There's nothing less funny than a failed comedian.

by Anonymousreply 6411/02/2014

Except a lame Muppets joke.

by Anonymousreply 6511/02/2014
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