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Prior homophobia is keeping me closeted to my family.

Growing up, I was the most homophobic person in my family. I never bullied anyone. In fact, I felt really bad for the effeminate kids who were bullied, but at home, I was a total homophobe.

I convinced myself I wasn't homosexual by shutting down my feelings. I convinced myself I was attracted to females even though I did everything I could to avoid relationships and sex. I literally made myself sick at the thought of a relationship/sex with my own gender.

Today, my family knows I'm not homophobic...at all, but they don't know I'm gay. They think I grew up and that my prior homophobia was immaturity, which it was, but it was also more than that.

I can't forgive myself for my prior homophobia because I don't have the excuse that my prior homophobia was because my family was homophobic. I feel like such a hypocrite, and that somehow I don't deserve the right to be out.

Has anyone else ever dealt with similar feelings?

by Anonymousreply 3407/24/2013

Uh, the word I used was e_f_f_e m_i n_a_te. I didn't know that was a childish epithet posted by a bigoted tool

by Anonymousreply 107/24/2013

You are trying to be honest and admit what you did wrong. That is more than many people do.

Forgive yourself...

by Anonymousreply 207/24/2013

Yawn.

And I'm sure you still secretly despite femmes and anyone else who does not meet up with your very exacting standards.

by Anonymousreply 307/24/2013

You will feel much better if you come out to your family.

by Anonymousreply 407/24/2013

OP, see the link.

by Anonymousreply 507/24/2013

R3, I do not despise femmes at all. I don't think I am e_f_f_e m_i n_a_te but I'm also not Dirty Harry. I'm just an average guy who finds it easy to pass for straight, but at the same time wouldn't shock everyone if I told them I was gay.

I'm sure you're right, R4, but something is holding me back.

by Anonymousreply 607/24/2013

R5, what's blogging about it going to do? I want some feedback to see if I'm the only one. No one responds to blogs.

by Anonymousreply 707/24/2013

The will. Trust us, they weren't going to give you all that much anyway.

by Anonymousreply 807/24/2013

I don't understand all this angst. Please just come out of the closet and let your family think whatever they are going to think.

by Anonymousreply 907/24/2013

OP, will your family really be surprised if you come out to them? Or will they say "it's about time you came out. We suspected it all along."

by Anonymousreply 1007/24/2013

Have you always been a drama queen, OP?

Most likely they're bored with your drama and don't really care all that much.

by Anonymousreply 1107/24/2013

Oh, who cares OP?

by Anonymousreply 1207/24/2013

You're overthinking this. Just come out already and let the chips fall where they may. Get it over with and everyone can get on with their lives.

by Anonymousreply 1307/24/2013

How old are you?

by Anonymousreply 1407/24/2013

How old?

by Anonymousreply 1507/24/2013

There are millions of men who have still not admitted to themselves or others the true nature of their sexuality. Many stay in the closet, get married to wives who are miserable, Even have a few kids.

Most end up depressed and unhappy, divorced with kids who hate what dad did to their mothers. A few get busted in gay bookstores or bars and it ruins them.

Why not be who you are? There's no positive outcome to homophobia and most do exactly what you did. At least you recognized the error of your ways.

Check the link for some enlightening info about homophobia.

by Anonymousreply 1607/24/2013

[quote]You will feel much better if you come out to your family.

I don't get this whole sentiment. I hear again and again from people that the world just OPENS up once you come out to your family. That did not happen for me. I came out to them, and it's never been spoken about since. It's as if it never happened. My life did not transform.

by Anonymousreply 1707/24/2013

[quote]A few get busted in gay bookstores or bars and it ruins them.

Said 1957.

by Anonymousreply 1807/24/2013

What are you afraid will happen if you do come out OP? What's the worst case scenario for you?

by Anonymousreply 1907/24/2013

You are not the same person you were when you were acting homophobic OP. No one should be judged by what they did before they knew any better.

by Anonymousreply 2007/24/2013

R17, our gay database shows that you did a shitty job of coming out so you didn't get any of the gifts.

OP, coming out means you don't compartmentalize your life to accommodate your perception of the smallness of others. You give them the benefit of the doubt that they are rational people who are old enough to understand you as a full human being.

You're not a secret agent. You don't hide your beliefs, activities, loves, or desires from the people in your life. You expose yourself to judgment and criticism the same as any other adult.

You're no longer just a witness to heterosexual drama. You're an equal who is facing the same shit as everyone else - no better, no worse.

It gets uglier the longer you put it off - your family doesn't care as much, but you build it up to such a monstrous event. Then you come off as a bitter bitch.

Don't be a Merideth Baxter Birney/ Rosie; do an Ellen. People like Ellen.

by Anonymousreply 2107/24/2013

I am surprised no one has mentioned this. The first obstacle to emotional growth is to accept yourself. You might think you have, but I know better. Think about this.

by Anonymousreply 2207/24/2013

They may already know or assume you are gay OP. Like my family...

by Anonymousreply 2307/24/2013

[quote] My life did not transform.

The people around aren't transformed. The point is that the burden of secrecy and shame is lifted off of you.

by Anonymousreply 2407/24/2013

Thank you Miss Mehlman.

by Anonymousreply 2507/24/2013

Thanks for the feedback. R21 is right and so is R22. Probably has more to do with accepting myself.

I still have yet to act on my attraction to men. Maybe I need some real experience before I tell them. Believe it or not, I never thought about that until reading what R22 posted.

by Anonymousreply 2607/24/2013

Why is effeminate a banned word? With the thousands of "my pussy stinks" posts why is this word so horrible?

by Anonymousreply 2707/24/2013

R26, if you are the OP, you just identified the excuse. Your "prior homophobia" is not the cause, or bullying making you a hypocrite. Those are covers for your CURRENT homophobia, your fear of being gay.

If you say you're gay but aren't out and haven't acted on it, you have to understand on SOME level that the most of us didn't come out to family first and then get to be who we are. Some kids are doing that these days at a very young age now that it's okay in many quarters to be gay, but they're also acting on their sexuality by kissing people of the same gender and expressing their attraction to people of the same gender.

But most of us got over any personal self-loathing by becoming comfortable enough with ourselves so that when we did come out we did it confidently and having many of the answers our families had about whether we were sure.

by Anonymousreply 2807/24/2013

[R17] I get that. Their silence is worse than rejection. You are stuck with nothing, you can't react, nothing to react to.

by Anonymousreply 2907/24/2013

Been in the closet for years. Not sorry, or having any regrets.

by Anonymousreply 3007/24/2013

It's really nobody's business if you're out or not.

by Anonymousreply 3107/24/2013

OP, either come out or STFU and live your lie, it's your choice.

by Anonymousreply 3207/24/2013

Evcerybody has dealt with this.

by Anonymousreply 3307/24/2013

[all posts by ham-fisted troll a removed.]

by Anonymousreply 3407/24/2013
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