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Boundaries/houseguests

What do you do when a friend just announces he's coming to your city in a month and he's gonna stay at your house and work from there, too? He got all pissed when I gently put a few parameters down -- like suggesting which days he could stay. (I'll just be getting back from a trip and need a day or so to get the house re-stocked, do laundry, etc.). He assumes we're much closer than we are. I don't mind having him here briefly; but with this thing, he's presuming waaa-aaay too much. The whole thing started out wrong when he simply announced he was coming here ... and staying here... and working from here... without really asking me if I'd be OK with it, or if I had anything else going on.

by Anonymousreply 5607/24/2013

Don't give in, OP. Let him know it won't be "a good time" for him to stay with you. You don't have to explain.

by Anonymousreply 107/23/2013

If you're not close, and he just "announced" he was staying with you, you're within your rights to announce that the inn is closed.

by Anonymousreply 207/23/2013

You know what to do.

by Anonymousreply 307/23/2013

I had to do this. A friend from high school looked me up and said she wanted to stay with me in my new town; after I agreed to it, he told me it would be for two weeks.

I had to call back and say, "This will be too long a stay. I am happy to have you stay for a night or two but beyond that you'll have to stay elsewhere. It is just too disruptive for my life otherwise."

He wasn't happy, but that was that.

by Anonymousreply 407/23/2013

He sounds like an asshole. Punch and delete.

by Anonymousreply 507/23/2013

Someone I didn't know (I met him once) in the gay alumni group invited himself to stay with m e and have me show him around my city. When I turned him down he became abusive. I'm sorry, I like to invite people over and show them around...if it's my idea. I don't like to be told what I'm going to do.

by Anonymousreply 607/23/2013

What r4 said. I don't play that everybody wants to crash at my place its centrally located downtown San Francisco. We let family and friend sofa surf for a day or two otherwise I send links to AirBNB

by Anonymousreply 707/23/2013

Tell him you're sorry, but you will be out of town.

Suggest that next time he contact you before he makes travel plans.

by Anonymousreply 807/23/2013

Tell him you have stated your boundaries, and that you have just stated them again.

by Anonymousreply 907/23/2013

I've had this happen several times...I first made excuses that someone else was staying with me at that time and there wasn't any room. Now...the hotel is closed! No room at the Inn!

by Anonymousreply 1007/23/2013

I'm curious about what exactly OP restocks and how much laundry he has - that it takes a day or two?

by Anonymousreply 1107/23/2013

Interestingly, I am having an issue with a similar scenario. Why do relatives think that if you are away, they can mooch off of you by staying at your place? It's quite odd don't you think? I mean, they are like, "since nobody is there, we thought we'd just stay at your place a few days", WTF? They ransack my food, screw up my linens and leave a mess for me to clean up...usually with a scrawled note saying..."sorry didn't have time to wash the pots and pans, but they are soaking" the chicken diapers are reeking in the garbage and they threw ALL of the bedding in ONE load in my washer, broke the belt last time. One sister in law literally moves furniture, "so it's more like home". Fucked up bitch.

Anyway...I'm all for saying that the INN IS CLOSED! Do it, or you'll go through what I'm going through.

by Anonymousreply 1207/23/2013

r11 -- what does it matter? It's HIS house. I don't like being 'told' I'm gonna get a visit and I'm supposed to be OK with someone camping out and working from my house. Maybe he just needs some 'home alone' time after being on another trip.

by Anonymousreply 1307/23/2013

I had the same problem when the (previous) Pope came to the States. Had to tell him the rules.

by Anonymousreply 1407/23/2013

R13 - huh? You need to relax.

I never said he should let the guy stay. I asked a question about restocking and laundry.

by Anonymousreply 1507/23/2013

You should very selfish OP. No wonder you don't have close friends.

by Anonymousreply 1607/23/2013

It's a pointless question, OP, because this situation never happened. No friend, even a very close one, would never "announce" he was staying with a friend without "really" asking (whatever the fuck that means). What is your purpose in making up such a ridiculous story?

by Anonymousreply 1707/23/2013

What the hell are chicken diapers, r12?

by Anonymousreply 1807/23/2013

[quote]He assumes we're much closer than we are.

No, he assumes that you are a doormat and can be bullied into giving him a free place to stay and probably free food also.

Is he correct?

by Anonymousreply 1907/23/2013

I think he means the little pieces of whatever that soak up blood under a raw chicken R18.

by Anonymousreply 2007/23/2013

r19 -- not exactly. He assumes his presence leaves a very tiny footprint and that having him around is no problem. Wrong. And while not a 'problem', he overstayed by a few days the last time, going on and on and on about a guy who dumped him (for the third time ...). I was the designated 'Father Confessor' and it was very uncomfortable listening to it all, non-stop, for several days. He essentially wore out his welcome. And r16 -- just shut up. You don't know anything about my friendships. My friends are, generally, very thoughtful and very considerate. This one has started to presume waa-aaaay too much. And throwing it back on me when I gently and politely set boundaries for my own time and my own space.

by Anonymousreply 2107/23/2013

R18, when a pet chicken has to take antibiotics for an infection, diarrhea is a common side effect -- since she's probably being kept in the house while recovering from the infection, it's a good idea to put her in diapers.

by Anonymousreply 2207/23/2013

[quote]What the hell are chicken diapers, [R12]?

What, you let your chicken poop all over the house?

by Anonymousreply 2307/23/2013

r17 -- tell me you're kidding? You've never had anyone invite himself to your house? Lucky you.

by Anonymousreply 2407/23/2013

This used to happen to me when I lived in Hawaii- Every month someone new wanted to come and visit. They never took me out to dinner, wanted to use my car.

I learned to state my boundaries, I told them NOW so I did not have to tell them THEN.

by Anonymousreply 2507/23/2013

This is a good question for Phillip Galanes of The New York Times. Here are recent columns.

by Anonymousreply 2607/23/2013

The day before he plans to arrive tell him the central air conditioning system blew out and you know he wouldn't want to stay in an unbearably hot apartment room. Suggest the name of a nice hotel in town.

by Anonymousreply 2707/23/2013

OP here: I was really hoping to handle this without resorting to lies and manipulation. My friend encourages honest dialogue, but apparently can't handle it when he sees he needs to adjust his behavior -- like asking if it's ok to come and stay. And only staying a couple days at one time. I realize now that I need to be 'vague' about things and lie about things in order to put some parameters in place re: my own home. A little sad. Even my own family members -- who I like and enjoy seeing -- wouldn't simply announce they're coming and then get all pissy when I can't accommodate them the way they think they should be.

by Anonymousreply 2807/23/2013

Slap him with your fork if he tries to make a gravy river in his garlic mashed potatoes.

by Anonymousreply 2907/23/2013

Chicken Diapers! A new DL classic!

by Anonymousreply 3007/23/2013

I'd just tell him no and this is somebody who really enjoy having houseguests--most houseguests.

I have several friends who I've given open invitations to visit.

I have one friend who lives out of the country and has to come back to the states every so often. We have the best time when she visits, but when she comes to visit she calls way in advance and check with me to make sure there would be no issues for me.

Another friend does frequent road trips and will often be in my area also has an open invite, but again he never finalizes anything until he talks with me.

I work from home and have a very flexible schedule. Despite my telling these particular friends they can come anytime, they always call me in advance, check with me and ask if it's okay. They are also very good about entertaining themselves when I have work to do and I don't feel I need to hold their hands while visiting.

I do have a friend and my sister who are both horrible houseguests and I won't accommodate them every again.

by Anonymousreply 3107/23/2013

[quote]What do you do when a friend just announces he's coming to your city in a month and he's gonna stay at your house and work from there, too?

I say no. None of my friends would "announce" anything like this, anyway.

However, I have had friends ask if they could do similar, and I've responded differently according to my relationship with the person asking. Close friend from way back who's kept in touch? Sure, I'll get a spare key and a transit map for you, but lets set some parameters. Barely-remembered acquaintance? Sorry, sick cat puking everwhere this week, out of town next week, carpets being cleaned the week after, traveling for work after that, September's booked too... If they persist, I ignore them until they get the hint.

[quote]He got all pissed when I gently put a few parameters down -- like suggesting which days he could stay.

You're a doormat for not calling him out on this immediately. If he persisted I would have cut him off with a very firm reminder that my place is not a hotel, I am not a concierge, and if he wants complete control over his accommodations he should pay for a room somewhere better staffed to cater to his needs. Any further argument would end with a refusal to host him at all.

This is called self-respect, OP. Learn it. You'll find you'll have less "friends" and less awkward situations like this.

by Anonymousreply 3207/23/2013

[quote]I'm curious about what exactly OP restocks and how much laundry he has - that it takes a day or two?

Are you independently wealthy with a full staff?

Assuming OP works for a living and doesn't have domestic help, after an 8 hour workday, running errands, shopping, cleaning and laundry (including extra sheets and towels) most certainly can take two full days, Oprah.

by Anonymousreply 3307/23/2013

OP, call and tell him that after thinking it over you've decided his visit won't be possible. If he asks why, repeat "because it won't be possible."

If he's offended enough to never contact you, consider it a blessing.

by Anonymousreply 3407/23/2013

Lock your cans of frosting.

by Anonymousreply 3507/23/2013

Easy. Just say, "I'm sorry, that wouldn't be convenient for me." And leave it at that. Repeat it if necessary, but refuse to expand or explain.

Having already kinda-sort agreed, call and explain that something has come up and that it won't be convenient for you to host him. Just as above.

by Anonymousreply 3607/23/2013

A free range chicken is a diaper free chicken.

by Anonymousreply 3707/23/2013

Tell your presumptuous friends & relations that the guest room is needed for the convalescence of your chicken who's suffering from diarrhea & can't possibly be disturbed.

by Anonymousreply 3807/23/2013

Nobody with any manners just announces they are coming to stay with you for any amount of time.

OP, the only thing I would ask you to do is be honest with yourself about how you might have been trying to protect your "nice guy" image by indulging this guy in his rudeness.

Just say no. You don't have to explain. Just say it isn't a good time. If he presses tell him you don't like being pushed after you made it clear it isn't an option.

Don't loose your shit, just be calm and direct.

He will probably disappear from your life when he realizes he can't push you around.

Either that or he will be come a respectful friend.

by Anonymousreply 3907/23/2013

You deserve everything you get, OP.

by Anonymousreply 4007/23/2013

If he's working, why isn't his job paying for a hotel?

In any case, I would say the same thing as R36 - that it wouldn't be convenient. The less you say, the better. Don't sound defensive or it will make him even more persistent.

by Anonymousreply 4107/24/2013

I called my nephew (7 years old) once and asked him if Mom and Dad have told him my news; he says no.

"Oh, okay. Well, Uncle (Me) is moving back east. I got a job in (the big city near you) and I'll be staying with you guys until I find a place to live. Don't worry -- you're not getting a rooomate. I'll be staying in the TV room where you play all your video games."

He starts to stammer.

"Hey...April Fool's."

by Anonymousreply 4207/24/2013

So OP? What are you goung to do? We're wating!

by Anonymousreply 4307/24/2013

OP, have you clearly stated how you like your chicken diapers to be handled?

by Anonymousreply 4407/24/2013

OP, you don't need to lie, just say you'd be delighted to have your friend stay for a one or two night social visit, but you can't do more than that, or have anyone working from your place. That it's your home, and you like your privacy and peace and quiet. Then repeat that a 2 night social visit would be fun, but you can't do more.

by Anonymousreply 4507/24/2013

Yikes. Op, your friend sounds rude and presumptuous.

by Anonymousreply 4607/24/2013

OP,

Why are you friends with this person again?

by Anonymousreply 4707/24/2013

Phillip Galanes of The New York Times was interviewed on radio last week. A listener wanted to know how deal with someone who enquires "Do you have people up to your country place on weekends?" He suggested saying that because of a busy work schedule, they go away on weekends to be alone.

by Anonymousreply 4807/24/2013

[quote] He suggested saying that because of a busy work schedule, they go away on weekends to be alone.

I disagree with Galanes' advice, R48. When someone would invite himself into your hospitality, no explanation is needed to rebuff his rudeness.

Just pick one of the following or something similar - as a polite but clear "No.". The less detail ventured, the better -- anyone who would impose himself upon you is not going to be shy about pressing his case: give hime no ammunition.

"Sorry, that's not convenient."

"Perhaps another time."

"I wouldn't be able to, I'm afraid."

by Anonymousreply 4907/24/2013

R17, I must pleasantly disagree. Unless those of us who are elders (59, here) have been more of a soft touch? This happened to me when I lived in NYC, upper west side, in the 80's; apt was in my roommate's name so I knew better than to ask, but wouldn't have agreed anyway: my mother, very nice, not pushy, asked a couple of times on behalf of a 2nd cousin, if he could come live with me(us-roommate) for a whole school year! while he studied at - FIT, is it? fashion institute?

??!?!? I was shocked, frankly; never let on to my mother; said, no wouldn't be okay with roommate (and he were anyway - whole building - in one of those lovely rent disputes)

My point - and again, if my mother (RIP) were a bitch, I would SAY so, hee-hee!) she was knee-jerk thinking of "family". What "family does for family." I am perfectly willing to think that some of the situations here derive from that.

And "friends doing for friends", as it were. My roommate was almost at the point of putting a "Hotel is not open" embargo on, just from HER mother, friends, friends of friends.

My roommate had to point out to me (young(er) and dumb!) how "attractive" an NYC apt is to ANYone staying there. I see the point. Is hard to refuse people! but one has to set boundaries.

I applaud OP.

by Anonymousreply 5007/24/2013

OP here: Because I didn't issue a complete 'open door' welcome and because I wanted to put a few limits on his stay, my friend literally began to cry and to accuse me of putting him in a box that was getting smaller and smaller. After he got over that, he decided he just wouldn't stay at my place this time. It was very much a 'cut off his nose to spite his face' response. I felt bad, but I also decided I was tired of being manipulated and left it at that. As far as I am concerned, he's still welcome, but he has to begin to recognize certain limitations -- all of which are reasonable, IMO. And no, I don't understand why he wouldn't want the privacy of a hotel if he is working remotely. He's the kind of person who thinks everyone here is just dying to spend lots of time with him. He is well-meaning, but a little overbearing at times.

by Anonymousreply 5107/24/2013

[quote]my friend literally began to cry

Your friend has been watching too much Ann Curry.

by Anonymousreply 5207/24/2013

Some people are just self absorbed narcissists. It doesn't compute with them that you have your own life. They assume you're delighted to spend unlimited time in their company and that you should be thrilled they are allowing you to. Truly, if you suggest otherwise they can't comprehend it. Their world shifts off its axis. They sputter and their brains short circuit--you can almost see the smoke coming out of their ears.

I have a few family members like this who, I think, really believe I'm sitting in suspended animation when they aren't around and only come to life to host and entertain them.

by Anonymousreply 5307/24/2013

OP @ R51, you need to seriously reconsider this relationship. The man sounds nuts, narcissistic and manipulative.

[quote]He is well-meaning, but a little overbearing at times

"A little overbearing at times"??? You mentioned co-workers rolling their eyes at him behind his back. He sounds more than "a little overbearing at times".

Can you articulate what you mean by "well-meaning"? How is he well-meaning in this instance? The only good intention he seems to be expressing is the delusion that his constant and prolonged presence in your living space will benefit or enrich you in some way...and I call that a "delusion" lightly. I think he's well aware of what he's doing and he's trying as hard as he can to manipulate you into submission.

You've held your ground on this, but you still seem to be in denial about his essential nature. Nothing you describe about him sounds "well-meaning", and calling him "a little overbearing" is an extreme understatement.

by Anonymousreply 5407/24/2013

r53 and r54: both very astute comments. He IS a sweet and giving person, basically. He's been good to me and supportive of me emotionally at crucial times. And vice versa. He's much more of an extrovert than I am, which could account for his not understanding my need for boundaries and personal space. But I think you both articulated the core issue: He's a narcissist who thinks everyone just waits with bated breath for him to swoop into town. He's somehow decided he likes to stay with me -- but I'm not really flattered by that; I'm increasingly resentful. He obviously thinks I have a complete 'open door' policy (no ...) and that he can just camp out and plotz here as long as he wants as often as he wants. When it was suggested that that may not be the case, he came unglued. And believe me, I was gentle about it. The mere suggestion that he might be a narcissist would make him blow his brains out. He thinks he makes everyone's life brighter and more worth living by his presence. This whole thing has really made me look at him more closely. He still has a lot of good qualities and is a basically good person, but I may be distancing myself even more than geography as already put miles between us.

by Anonymousreply 5507/24/2013

Better be careful, OP. In some places, if someone stays a month or longer, they are considered a resident of the home and you cannot kick them out. I would lay down a day he is to leave and stick to it. Let him rent from an extended stay place.

by Anonymousreply 5607/24/2013
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