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I need some advice on this guy I'm dating

I've been dating a guy 16 years older than me. On paper, he's great - distinguished, great body, cooks me excellent dinners, has a great job, lots of money, good conversationalist, traveled, very good sex (not great because his beard leaves my face shredded), kind, flies to visit me when I'm on business trips, etc.

However, after 4 months of dating and spending time together, he's not given me a single compliment or acknowledgement of any feelings on his side. He says he likes spending time with me - that's it.

I'm falling in love with this guy and I know he's not seeing anyone else, but I don't know if I can deal with emotional distance.

I'm 40 and he's 56. What do you think? Am I being used for sex? Do you think it will go anywhere?

by OPreply 10507/31/2013

"I've been dating a guy 16 years older than me."

Maybe he's unhappy with your illiteracy?

by OPreply 107/10/2013

Ok - "older than I". Ugh, the grammar freaks on this board.

by OPreply 207/10/2013

Maybe he's waiting for YOU to thank & compliment him for cooking such nice dinners and taking the time to fly to other cities to visit you when you're on business trips.

by OPreply 307/11/2013

Don't read between the lines. Go with what he says. He likes spending time with you. If he flies out to visit you when you're on a business trip, then the guy REALLY LIKES TO SPEND TIME WITH YOU. If you want more, you're probably not going to get it from him. Also, it's not really about the beard. You want more and he is not the guy who is going to give it to you and that's just your excuse.

by OPreply 507/11/2013

Maybe he has more relationship experience than you. Am in my 50's and would never again say "I love you" to someone I'd been dating for only four months.

by OPreply 607/11/2013

He sounds like a great guy. You're sounding a bit needy. If you try to press him to spill out his feelings, you risk annoying him and driving him away. Just enjoy him for what he is.

by OPreply 707/11/2013

Why is accurate grammar such a challenge these days for so many? For some of us, it's a lifelong second nature. I'd be thrilled to find a man who appreciates that.

by OPreply 807/11/2013

shut up r1/r8

by OPreply 907/11/2013

Go for it and count your blessings.

I'm a year older than your guy, and like R6 I'd be really wary to throw my heart out there for someone to stomp on again.

Be patient, enjoy, and all will be revealed in time.

by OPreply 1007/11/2013

I appreciate the correct use of grammar 99% of the time, R1, but I think you can carry it too far in that last 1%. My grammar is close to perfect, but some things sound so prissy to me.

I know why it should be "16 years older than I," but "16 years older than me" just sounds better to me. I sometimes even use "who" when I know I should use "whom" in order not to sound like a priss. And I guarantee you, R1, I [italic]know[/italic] "who v. whom."

by OPreply 1107/11/2013

Ok - R6 - I get that about expressions of love. But how about - "You look great tonight" or even "that shirt looks good on you".

I'm talking NO compliments at all. And, although I'll get grief for saying this, I'm a very attractive and fit man.

I compliment him often and he loves it. Yet...nothing from him.

PS I am not a gold digger - I make a very good income myself but much less than him and made this stupid Julia Sugarbaker speech early in our relationship about how I don't need a man to pay for things, etc. And so he doesn't. Which isn't working so well since he has such expensive tastes - I can't throw down $75 for lunch every day.

by OPreply 1207/11/2013

[quote]after 4 months of dating and spending time together, he's not given me a single compliment

I'd like to focus on what you mean by this. Has he not complimented you on anything? Your sense of humor, your eyes, your smile, your clothes, your hair? You give a great blowjob? Nothing? After four months, that would be a bit odd.

by OPreply 1307/11/2013

I'll stop hijacking the thread after this, but saying "older than I AM" seems perfectly natural to me. And I don't have much respect for others who are uneducated about accurate grammar.

BTW, I'm older than either of the guys in OP's original post, so maybe everyone should just stay off my lawn!

I DO have a beard to rough up the OP if he likes.

by OPreply 1407/11/2013

for fucks sake R14, just say "older than moi" and be done with it

by OPreply 1507/11/2013

R13 - the only thing he has said is that he likes my ass. That's it. Nothing else at all. It's like he avoids it.

Btw, I'm not some bar floozy with nothing going on but my looks.

His last lover did die - 13 years ago. So maybe he's cautious. But really???

The MAIN problem is that I feel like I'm pulling back which will only ruin the relationship and I really like him.

by OPreply 1607/11/2013

OP is Matt Damon! Tell George Clooney DL says hello!

by OPreply 1707/11/2013

OP, I would ask him why he doesn't compliment you. Don't ask in a whiny way, but seeking information. He's the only one who can answer.

At your age, four months seems like a long time. From the perspective of his age, it's not much time at all. You're still in the getting to know each other phase and it takes a while when you're genuinely trying to create a relationship. Subjectively, my relationships where the "love" thing got pushed early didn't last long because they weren't based on anything real.

I would take his word for how he feels about you. Actions speak louder than words and he's seeking you out to spend time with you, even putting some real effort into doing so.

by OPreply 1807/11/2013

if he slaps you, you deserve it and you will take it like a good little boy

by OPreply 1907/11/2013

R17- that's hilarious - I am blonde and built like Matt Damon and he's salt and pepper like George Clooney.

But I'm taller than he. (Happy grammar troll?)

by OPreply 2007/11/2013

Have you read the Five Love Languages, or whatever it's called? I hate to recommend cheesy self-help books, but it had some good points in it. Everyone wants to hear that they're loved in different ways. Some people want to hear compliments. Some people like it with their partner spends time with them, etc. Not everyone wants the same thing, nor expresses love the same way. Perhaps he's just not verbal. he's certainly showing you that he cares for you, so why do you need it in words?

by OPreply 2107/11/2013

[quote]he only thing he has said is that he likes my ass. That's it. Nothing else at all. It's like he avoids it.

OK, then that is weird. This is not about you rushing and pushing for the "I love you" conversation. This is about someone who seems emotionally distant. In the span of four months of dating no compliments other than "I like your ass" is bizarre. What does it take to say that he likes something that you are wearing? If you are already pulling back then you should -- carefully -- explore this issue.

And, R18:

[quote]At your age, four months seems like a long time.

Please. The OP is 40 not 24.

by OPreply 2207/11/2013

Maybe he's married with kids, and uses you for sex since his wife won't put out?

by OPreply 2307/11/2013

R21 - I hear you and I often say to myself that he's demonstrating his interest and perhaps love in other ways.

But the lack of verbal recognition is troublesome. In all of my past relationships, there has been verbal communications of appreciation, lust, excitement, whatever.

Listen, I'm really fucking lucky to meet a guy like this. I think there's only like 3 others out there from all the oddballs, jerks, cheaters and losers I've met over the years.

Yet if you don't feel the love they're giving, then what is it? Stay with it because they're a potential good provider?

by OPreply 2407/11/2013

R22 You know the person that said that is 75 years old. Give these old gals a break.

by OPreply 2507/11/2013

[quote]I'm 40 and he's 56. What do you think? Am I being used for sex?

LMFAO!!!!!!

OK now that we got that out of the way. Seriously you are 40, if he's all dat, then he could get much younger hotter booty.

He obviously really likes you, maybe on the way to falling in love. People don't just jump onto planes for a quick trick.

You really answered your own question in the last post, "he lost his lover..." He is traumatized from that. I know, you think he should be "over it" by now, but that is not how real life and grieving works.

It's not normal to loose your other half at a young age. If we were talking about straight people, say a woman, then she would be allowed by society to feel damaged her whole life if she wanted to. But gay men, something wrong with you if you are not totally over it and well adjusted 2 years out. Next to loosing a child, loosing a spouse is right up there with the most stressful thing that can happen to a you. Cut him some slack. Maybe he needs to talk about it but afraid it will scare you away.

Also, check your ego at the door please. You have this great man that you described yet you are focused on your ego not being stroked because he dose not verbally compliment you. That is an ego thing, that really is your problem, not his. You are defining your self worth by other peoples opinion of you.

Some people are not good as complimenting others. I am one of them. Friends say "love you" and my response is usually "you too". I really do love them, just feel weird saying it.

Besides, words can be empty, actions are not. He flys out to meet you all over the country, dose not have another one on the side, totally into you, all the looks an personality you say you want...He loves you probably more then you do him.

And yes, maybe he senses that, and dose not want to get hurt so easily till he knows you will stick around for the long hall.

by OPreply 2607/11/2013

Then maybe he's insecure about the age difference and doesn't want to over-flatter you?

Perhaps he assumes that you know you're hot stuff and doesn't take you seriously as a potential long-term partner because he thinks you'll soon be gone?

Does seem a bit Aspy though.

by OPreply 2707/11/2013

R23 - No - he came out late in life (late 30's) and had many girlfriends but was never married.

And he's not with anyone else. Part of me doesn't think the demonstrations (expensive dinners, hotel suites for the weekend) are so much demonstrative of love but of showing off money. Everything he owns is designer high end - fucking everything. But he's not one of those jerks that flaunt things - that's just what he has.

So I often am confused whether the demonstrations of affection through his actions are real or are they a way to show off.

For me, I love to tell someone I'm dating what I think is so great about them, because when do you really hear that? It's also part of discovering why you're together - they like this, they dislike that.

I have no clue what he likes or dislikes about me.

Sorry if this is becoming a soap opera.

by OPreply 2807/11/2013

He's straight.

by OPreply 2907/11/2013

Well, to the part of showing off, some guys do this as an extension of their personalty. They dont see it as fake, they see it as part of who they are, just like you see you looks as part of who YOU are.

This is more common among straight men, so being that he came out late, not that unusual. Why do you think all those Orange County House Wives have older rich husbands? For their looks or personality? Gold diggers, but the men are happy because they see wealth as success which they see as who they are, just like being attractive.

by OPreply 3007/11/2013

OP, your description of him at R28 doesn't sound like you're in love.

Do you want us to talk you out of being with him?

by OPreply 3107/11/2013

My partner and I have been together for over 18 years (he's 75, I'm 55--yeah, I know, ancientgays). I tend to be more emotional and said "I love you" much too early; he has almost never said it--though he will say, "I bought some blueberries for my loved one," to which I will reply "When will he come by to pick them up?" It's become a running joke, though one that acknowledges the difficulty for a lot of men (and I'm not the most masculine gay, as the narrator sings in "Lola") to use the "l" word. While he's very articulate, he's a scientist and often in his abstract world of thought. But I also know he will be there for me whenever and for as long as I need him, and vice versa. As someone said upthread, finally it is about deeds--and some men need to be trained to say things--if you can do it in a light-hearted way and not come off as passive-aggressive.

by OPreply 3207/11/2013

So If you don't mind me asking, what does he do for a living?

by OPreply 3307/11/2013

Have you tried stating your boundaries?

by OPreply 3407/11/2013

[quote]Yet if you don't feel the love they're giving, then what is it? Stay with it because they're a potential good provider?

Now the truth comes out. His money and stability is more important to you then love.

Why would you even say that? If he dose not love you, or you do not love him, they break it off or just agree to be fuck buddies.

So basically you just said you would consider staying with him anyway. just because he could provide. Two words: God Digger.

by OPreply 3507/11/2013

I've known people like the guy you're describing, OP. They are not really into relationships, at least not in the sense you and I would define them. When you're that wealthy and successful, your vanity and sense of accomplishment dictate that you fill that missing element of an ideal life with someone but not in the way that would affect other aspects of it. He doesn't need to know much about you nor does he want to: your aspirations, likes, dislikes, etc. If you meet his basic criteria, you are just like that expensive piece of art hanging on the wall in his house. Sorry to be so brutally honest and unsentimental about it but you need to figure out if an arrangement like that may work for you.

by OPreply 3607/11/2013

It licks the blueberries off my taint.

by OPreply 3707/11/2013

That 50-55 age group is odd in relationships because of the plague years.

Many of them were just getting their first taste of wang when *boom* we could all die and nobody knew why.

However, the "On paper" reference makes me think you are a troll who draws out many faux relationship dramas.

For all I know, you're the fat guy who keeps leaning over things to watch me paint a house.

Do you have a bad back and a three-legged dog, OP?

by OPreply 3807/11/2013

God Digger?

by OPreply 3907/11/2013

No R35 - that comment was rhetorical - there are no kids or other to provide for. Many would think a guy like this is too good to pass up - particularly because he has money. But unfortunately I can't do that if I don't feel love. But in the same breath, it's easier than dating someone who has less money.

R28 - I was trying to respond to those who said that he expresses his feelings by flying to see me and expensive dinners. To me, that's not necessarily a true demonstration. (BTW -we always met up with some of his friends in the cities that he visited - not 100% altruistic).

R27 - may be on to it, but that answer feeds my ego too much.

by OPreply 4007/11/2013

OP here - Is there a generational difference in terms of affection? Are guys closer to 60 and particularly those those who came out late in life less likely to be demonstrative?

by OPreply 4107/11/2013

[quote](BTW -we always met up with some of his friends in the cities that he visited - not 100% altruistic).

OR....maybe he dose not want you to think he is some kind of stalker. That he has a life outside of you. That he has friends, well traveled. That he is mentally healthy.

And while R27 insight might feed your ego, it might be true. However, its not uncommon for the younger hotter one to say they are in love first then bail once someone else hot comes along. You fit the demographic, more likely to do that to him then not. He has a legitimate concern even if he has not verbalized it.

by OPreply 4207/11/2013

[quote] Are guys closer to 60 and particularly those those who came out late in life less likely to be demonstrative?

The short answer, NO.

It a personality trait, not a generational one.

by OPreply 4307/11/2013

[quote] I've known people like the guy you're describing, OP. They are not really into relationships, at least not in the sense you and I would define them. When you're that wealthy and successful, your vanity and sense of accomplishment dictate that you fill that missing element of an ideal life with someone but not in the way that would affect other aspects of it. He doesn't need to know much about you nor does he want to: your aspirations, likes, dislikes, etc. If you meet his basic criteria, you are just like that expensive piece of art hanging on the wall in his house. Sorry to be so brutally honest and unsentimental about it but you need to figure out if an arrangement like that may work for you.

This is actually a very discerning description--I have two men in my family exactly like this.

by OPreply 4407/11/2013

I guess there could be any number of reasons he doesn't compliment you (his personality type, the way he was raised, he actually doesn't think too much of you and is using you for sex, etc.)... so, why don't you just ask him?

Look, it's obviously something that's bothering you and that's important to you, and that's fine. It seems that compliments help you understand what he sees in you and why he wants to be with you, help you affirm yourself and your ego but also affirm that you two are a good pair because you actually like one another - those are perfectly valid reasons to want to hear the occasional compliment, and it doesn't make you narcissistic or needy to want that sort of communication in a relationship.

I think four months is more than long enough to have a good talk about where this is going and if he's "serious". You don't have to be accusatory and put him on the defensive, but I think it's fine as part of a larger conversation about your future to ask him "what do you like about me and why do you want to be with me?", and maybe start things off by listing off all the great things you see in him. If he can't list anything, or he just focuses on the superficial, then it doesn't seem like the relationship has a future, because you'll never get the important things you want from him.

by OPreply 4507/11/2013

DOES! THE WORD IS DOES, DAMN IT, NOT DOSE!!!

by OPreply 4607/11/2013

WOW R45 - thanks so much! Are you the lesbian therapist from the DL past that pokes her head in here every once and awhile?

I've always been a huge fan of yours - but you don't chime in as much as you used to. Hope all is well.

by OPreply 4707/11/2013

I agree that it's a personality trait and unlikely to change. I crave that kind of validation from my SO but I know it's never gonna happen. I have a hard time getting him to say a word during sex, even. I don't doubt his love and caring for me...he shows it in a myriad of other ways. However, it is a big void in my life that he does not give me that type of validation and if you need it I would recommend you move on.

by OPreply 4807/11/2013

Ps talking about it w my SO didn't really help. He knows I need it but seems incapable of giving it, even though I know he would if he could. He has a good heart...it's just not in his nature.

by OPreply 4907/11/2013

Pack your bags OP.

I think you have six weeks before your neediness will send him running.

Grammar police - we are on an internet message board.

Was there anything in OP's statement which you didn't understand because of his usage?

Give it rest and go back to worrying about wearing white after Labor Day.

by OPreply 5007/11/2013

[quote]Grammar police - we are on an internet message board.

You must be very new around here.

by OPreply 5107/11/2013

Maybe he is dead inside.

by OPreply 5207/11/2013

Please OP, I am very vulnerable right now and in no mood to hear a story about you and some yahoo cracker with 4 first names, pawing at each other under a magnolia tree.

by OPreply 5307/11/2013

[quote]Why is accurate grammar such a challenge these days for so many? For some of us, it's a lifelong second nature. I'd be thrilled to find a man who appreciates that.

What a shock that you haven't found a man yet.

by OPreply 5407/11/2013

[quote]Even I would let you slide on "older than me."

Even you? You? A complete nobody with a keyboard on the Internet?

Wow! That's quite an indulgence.

(You sound like that self-important hick Pollyanna Prisspot School Marm, who apparently got a GED from Oklahoma Tech and thinks she's E. B. White.)

by OPreply 5507/11/2013

Do you need to be complimented to know he cares? I would think flying to where you are on a business trip would mean more than "hey nice tie."

Obviously he feels his is showing his feelings through actions and you need them shown through words. Sure it would be nice once in a while for him to compliment you, but look at it this way. The guy is hot, good in bed, plenty of money - Pretty sure he could keep a much younger guy yet he chooses to be with you. That is a pretty big compliment.

by OPreply 5607/11/2013

"He" does not exist!

by OPreply 5707/11/2013

well then I would be pissed he does not compliment me either...

by OPreply 5807/11/2013

R55 Oh, dear.

by OPreply 5907/11/2013

Maybe he's just a cold fish. If he is...I'd move on.

by OPreply 6007/11/2013

look OP, you're needy, insecure and, since he only compliments your ass, I bet you're not that hot.

So don't rock the fucking boat. just be grateful you're getting laid.

by OPreply 6107/11/2013

So, when he says he likes your ass, did he mean you have cute or firm ass or he likes plowing your hole?

by OPreply 6207/11/2013

OP, are you a fattie?

by OPreply 6307/11/2013

OP, no, I'm not the lesbian therapist - just another gay man (and definitely not a therapist). It just seems everyone in this thread is trying to read tea leaves to guess at why he behaves the way he does, but really the best way to figure out what he's thinking or feeling is for him to tell you himself.

He may be a great guy, but that doesn't mean he's great at communicating or making relationships work, and maybe he doesn't realize he hasn't said anything complimentary to you. And maybe if you talk to him and realize he has genuine feelings, or that he's trying to show his affection in other ways, the compliments won't matter so much in the future. But you won't get there unless you speak to him, rather than trying to read his mind (and pulling yourself out of the relationship beforehand as a defense mechanism).

by OPreply 6407/11/2013

OP, you're forty. You're really not hot enough to be used just for sex. So he probably likes you. There -- don't you feel better?

Incidentally, you could have gone with grammatical accuracy without sounding prissy if you'd said "older than I am."

by OPreply 6507/11/2013

R33 - He's a principal partner in some investment company.

Not sure what that means. We live in New York.

by OPreply 6607/11/2013

My suggestion is not to break up with him and give it some time. At 56, he is in a very different place than you are at 40 (I say this as a 53 year old) in terms of the excitement one has in dating someone new, however exciting or praiseworthy that person is.

In fact, OP, while I can understand you finding this difficult to believe, his reticence in expressing admiration for you might well be a good thing, and, rather than suggesting that he's just using you, indicate that he's being completely honest and only giving you what he can give in terms of the joy of getting to know someone; it is very different at 56 than it is at 40 for a great many people, a quieter, less soaring experience.

At the same time, I would suggest that you consider whether there might be a way to gently let him know that you need some sense of romance for this to keep working for you - not hearts and flowers, but at least a glimmer of genuine admiration, if not out right limerance.

by OPreply 6707/11/2013

R65 is so right. That takes the priss right out of it.

by OPreply 6807/11/2013

OP, if he's a principal in an investment company and you're not sure what that means (according to the posting at R66), I take back what I said about his really liking you.

After all this time, why haven't you bothered to find out the meaning of what he does for a living?

by OPreply 6907/11/2013

[quote]I'm 40 and he's 56

Wow, I didn't know gays over thirty were allowed to have sex

by OPreply 7007/11/2013

Don't pay the car nor the card. Spend the money eating at the best restaurants, staying at luxury hotels and renting expensive rent boys. Then get on the car and drive off a cliff.

by OPreply 7107/11/2013

Oops...wrong thread

by OPreply 7207/11/2013

R3,

Give I a break.

by OPreply 7307/11/2013

I think you sound silly. He is doing things for you, flying to see you in person.

But you could ask him about having an open relationship, and see what he says.

by OPreply 7407/11/2013

R69 - I know what he does, I didn't want to identify him on this board because you bitches seem to be able to snuff out any details and point to the actual person.

We talk about his work - God damn - way too much. So I do know what he does.

by OPreply 7507/11/2013

[quote]I know what he does, I didn't want to identify him on this board because you bitches seem to be able to snuff out any details and point to the actual person. We talk about his work - God damn - way too much. So I do know what he does.

Really? Then why did you earlier write:

[quote]He's a principal partner in some investment company. [bold]Not sure what that means.[/bold] We live in New York.

If you know what he does, then why did you say that you were unsure what “principal partner in some investment company” meant? Sounds fishy.

by OPreply 7607/11/2013

Bottom line is do you need to be complimented? Maybe he is one of those guys that just doesn't need to be told how much you love him, he just understands you do.

If you need it ask him, "how come you never compliment me often?"

by OPreply 7707/11/2013

OP-- how is he at compliments in general? Do you have any frame of reference re how he acts? Is he complimentary of his friends and family? Warmer towards other people and less warm with you?

Regarding OP stating that "I don't know what that means" when referring to his boyfriend's career, I think that was in response to a poster at R32 and R33.

by OPreply 7807/12/2013

Like I said "he" does not exist.

by OPreply 7907/12/2013

R66 and R75 prove this pretty persuasively.

by OPreply 8007/12/2013

tr

by OPreply 8107/13/2013

Update - I broke it off with him. I asked him how he felt about me and he said he liked spending time with me.

Then I asked why he doesn't compliment me and he said that he thought that he did by his actions. I asked - why not anything - ANYTHING - verbal and he said that words were cheap.

I then asked him to think of something he could compliment me about and say it. He couldn't do it.

Maybe he doesn't know how or can't. I need this - I don't care what anyone says. It's not unusual to expect someone to say "You're great at this" or "I love your..." or whatever.

Fuck did I cry though. I think about him every day and I wonder if I made a mistake. I'm going to give it 90 days and see if I still think of him every minute of the day. God, he was such a good man in so many other ways. I'm feeling stupid again.

One more item - he didn't even put up much of a fight during the breakup - he just accepted it after 5 minutes. If you cared, wouldn't you try and save a relationship?

I did see a few tears though. Fuck - why should I expect a verbal argument from someone not verbal?

by OPreply 8207/26/2013

R82, Breaking up is hard for everyone.

by OPreply 8307/26/2013

Bob thinks he sounds like a great guy! Bob thinks you should work it out.

by OPreply 8407/26/2013

Sorry, OP at R82, but honestly it seems that even if he was a great guy, the relationship would always be under a strain if he isn't able to communicate what he appreciates about you, even when asked directly, and you think he doesn't care enough to fight for it.

It takes more than two good people to make a relationship work. I think you could have two of the nicest, hottest, smartest people in the world together, and they might still make a terrible couple, because each will want and need different things from their partner. It's all about finding the person who's a good fit for you and your life, not someone who fills out a checklist of attractive qualities (good looking, good job, sense of humor, etc.) Relationships are highly individual (duh), and maybe you'll be a better fit with someone who's able to communicate more and show appreciation, and he'll be better off with someone else as well.

by OPreply 8507/26/2013

Get out now

by OPreply 8607/26/2013

Thanks R85 - that's very wise and well said.

You'd make a good partner - what are you doing later? Just kidding. Well maybe...

by OPreply 8707/26/2013

Well, OP, when you started this thread and were trying to express how you felt about him, it seemed that what you really were infatuated with was his social status and lifestyle. I don't doubt that you genuinely liked him and enjoyed spending time with him. Now, ask yourself honestly: what did the two of you have in common and what were your conversations like? I'm willing to guess that it was about him, his job, where he could take you, which of his friends you are going to meet, etc, well, you get the picture. It was an exciting infatuation on both sides which ran its course, nothing more, nothing less.

by OPreply 8807/26/2013

Grammar Troll is destined to be alone for eternity

by OPreply 8907/26/2013

Oh no, OP! No, no, no. I just read through this thread for the first time now, and was thinking people here were not very nice to you. What happened during those 5 minutes of breaking up? What did he do/say? He might very well be into you but isn't the sort to fight for it. Maybe he finds that undignified, even though he misses you. I think you should have a little talk with him.

I don't think people have to be perfect automatons in order to create a great relationship ongoing (that takes work, finagling, negotiation, communication, and... great sex). What's wrong with learning about each other and growing together, and working through differing perspectives? Assuming things are generally pretty great together, it's worth the effort. Why should he have to read your mind in order to be good enough? There are ways to work these differences out along the way. Ways to gently find out what he would like from a longterm partner. How does he feel about romantic love in general. This keeps it disconnected enough that it can be safer to talk about without feeling like you're pushing him against a wall and asking him to commit to you for life, after 4 months. You should be able to speak about what's going on with you. Maybe obliquely at first, but still getting the message across. My partner, who is perfect, and I have to work things out along the way. Simply because we have different perspectives and operate differently. I don't have enough info to know if your partner is perfect for you, but I see potential from things you said. Of course, if he's not willing to see the potential between you two and see what he can do to create a mutually enjoyable thing with you, that's different. I'm assuming he wants love just as much as you do, and is just as into you, but he comes from a different way of seeing things. Perhaps he needs you in his life to show him a different picture of love, so he stretches as a person. This is what my partner says of me a lot - he loves that I nudge him out of his comfort zone and get him to see alternative views to things, even if his mind isn't always changed.

I also didn't realize the 5 languages of love was a book - my partner and I learned them in counseling. They are gifts, quality time, words of affirmation, acts of service, and physical touch. We all need at least one of these. I like all five, but gifts rate lowest for me. Usually, our "languages", or ways we receive love, are different from our partners. It's important to offer love in ways our partners can receive it, not in the ways that matter most to us.

Just because it's not his natural way to express love (or "care/appreciation" if he's not ready for love) doesn't mean this relationship couldn't work.

Know this: you are not needy or insecure because you need to hear loving praise. We need what we need. He can work on it (if willing) and you can help him with that. I liked how you said earlier that the affirmations are ways you learn about your partner: what they do and don't like about you. That's a good way to frame it with him, to help him understand why you need it, and that it makes you feel really good to know why you're appreciated. Tell him that's something you need. Find out, of the five things, what rates highest for him.

See what happens!

by OPreply 9007/26/2013

You blew the best thing to ever happen to you OP. Good job.

You asked him how he felt about you and he answered your question. Actions speak louder then words. But that was not good enough for you. Your ego need to be stroked. Oh your hot ass, your puffy lips, because that is all that matters to you...superficial qualities.

What others said was true, being the younger one you will leave within a few months and that is exactly what you did. You hurt him, he did not hurt you. Good Job.

One day you will find that someone who gives you that specific type of affection you need. Of course don't except the same package you kinked to the curb. He will probably fat, fugly, unemployed, with zero class and obnoxious. But hey, he tells you all the time like likes that sweet ass so enjoy.

by OPreply 9107/26/2013

R1 R11 I'd say 'Older than me' or 'older than I am' are correct. Your welcome ;).

OP: haven't read all the posts on this thread but have you guys met each others' friends yet?

by OPreply 9207/26/2013

R88 is spot-on.

R91 "the best thing that ever happened to him"?.......could you possibly be more overblown and pretentious?

by OPreply 9307/26/2013

[quote]Next to loosing a child, loosing a spouse is right up there

Where is the grammar troll when we REALLY need him?

by OPreply 9407/26/2013

OP, maybe you need to hook up with a latino. They will constantly compliment you and tell you that they love you. On the downside, the minute you turn around they'll fuck someone else.

by OPreply 9507/26/2013

[quote]At your age, four months seems like a long time. From the perspective of his age, it's not much time at all. You're still in the getting to know each other phase and it takes a while when you're genuinely trying to create a relationship

WTF, OP is 40 not 14. What a crock of shit to say 4 months is too early in a relationship to expect compliments. When things are still new and fresh is generally the only time you ARE likely to get compliments. Wait until you're in a LTR and become so comfortable you start taking each other for granted. Then you'll be lucky if you get a compliment once a year.

by OPreply 9607/26/2013

R95,

From the OP's posts, I assumed he was either Latin or a woman masquerading as a guy on this board. Who else types things like this--"I NEED TO HEAR IT?"

by OPreply 9707/26/2013

OP,

What will you do after 90 days?

by OPreply 9807/26/2013

R97 you are absolutely right. Maybe OP is Sofia Vergara

by OPreply 9907/26/2013

I'm not Latin. WTF? Is it so hard to understand that people want verbal feedback? Particularly in the early stages of a relationship?

To R88 - he did talk a lot about himself and seemed disinterested when I talked about my own life. I did enjoy hearing about his work and where he's traveled, but I've also traveled quite a bit and I'm not some simpleton who gushes (particularly at my age) at someone who is successful and has traveled.

I was not infatuated with his lifestyle - I never even saw his apartment, which was another problem. Why couldn't I go to his place sometime? He said I could once his new custom bed came in. Really?

R91 - I hear you and don't think I didn't say that to myself as well.

After 90 days if I am still feeling this pull to him and thinking about him as much as I have been, then I'm going to reach out to him and see if we can work it out. FYI - not a single text or call from him since the breakup. Which isn't unusual I guess, but underscores that I was more of an acquisition than anything he cared about.

by OPreply 10007/28/2013

Too many Oh, dears in R26 to even count...

by OPreply 10107/28/2013

Well OP, you got your answer. An answer that you already knew but were denying. If you contact him after 90 days, don't be surprised to find he is in an arrangement/relationship. He has a space in his life that needs occupying, it will be filled.

by OPreply 10207/29/2013

Sorry, OP, but you sound incredibly insecure, needy and arrogant.

by OPreply 10307/30/2013

OP, classic insecure and needy rationale. You break up with him and expect him to reach out or call you? Seriously?

I despise people who do little "how much do you love me" tests. You're thinking to yourself, if he truly loved me, he'd chase after me like in some ridiculous rom-com movie.

Actions do speak louder than words - ALWAYS. However, it's also important to look at the actions from the other person's point of view - how important or meaningful is the action from his point of view. As someone who travels a lot for work,it's not the act of flying someone out to meet me that is meaningful (flights are cheap), it would be making the time during the trip - the feeling that I cannot wait to be with someone.

You interpreted the valuable commodity as money (the plane tix), not the time he wanted to spend with you.

I could go on, but meh...

by OPreply 10407/30/2013

Am I the only one here how thinks op is full of shit? This "guy" did not exist. Trust me on this one.

by OPreply 10507/31/2013
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