Serving up this steaming pile of
Celebrity Gossip
Gay Politics
Gay News
and Pointless Bitchery
Since 1995

AbFab lines that always make you laugh

Get away from her, you bloody pig!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27609/12/2015


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 106/17/2013

Just the one, dear?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 206/17/2013

72? 72? How old does that make me?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 306/17/2013

R2 beat me to my favorite line. So next favorite:

There's something horrible on the stairs!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 406/17/2013

If the models get any younger, Pats, they'll be chucking fetuses down the catwalk.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 506/17/2013

Tickets, money,, money, passport.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 606/17/2013

Who chokes and dies on their own vomit these days?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 706/17/2013

I can raise hemlines so high, the world is your gynecologist!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 806/17/2013

"A mixed race baby is the Chanel of babies!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 906/17/2013

"We should have pushed it through!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1006/17/2013

GURU WOMAN-" Can you feel the life forces flowing? Can you feel them?" EDDY-" No, but I can smell them, honestly."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1106/17/2013

Tax the stupid people! Let them die!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1206/17/2013

"A great big, fat, ugly, armless statue!" "I've got arms!" (windmilling arms as proof)

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1306/17/2013

EDDY: With any luck we'd get Roman Polanski interested in you. PATSY: She was never young enough for him.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1406/17/2013

Eddy, after getting a well-deserved slap from Saffy: "Ow, sweety, OW!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1506/17/2013

Leave her! She's not quick enough.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1606/17/2013

"Pats, I'm 72."

I dont know why, but that line always gets me.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1706/17/2013

Qu'est-ce qui fait ici?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1806/17/2013

Saffy: Find Yourself?

Eddie: Ta-Dah!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 1906/17/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2006/17/2013

This thread warms my heart.

"You don't know me."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2106/17/2013

"She is a virgin,... in a world where men will even turn to soft fruit for pleasure! Draw your own conclusions."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2206/17/2013

Patsy - "One child punishes you by leaving, the other punishes us ALL by staying!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2306/17/2013

Skin is in..."Moisture" is my word du jour - this all off the top of my head.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2406/17/2013

When I heard that Eddie was pregnant, I told her to abort! ABORT, ABORT, ABORT!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2506/17/2013

Nick and knack and this and that. All old things taken. Oi! Turn yourself in!!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2606/17/2013

[all posts by tedious troll removed.]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2706/17/2013

One more facelift on her and she'll have a beard.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2806/17/2013

[all posts by tedious troll removed.]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 2906/17/2013

"It's the horrible realization that I must have actually enjoyed playing ping-pong."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3006/17/2013

Oh don't be stupid, darling. I'm sure they could send over a selection and I could pick one.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3106/17/2013

Patsy: "I'm. Not. Happy."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3206/17/2013

"I thik she's tremendous!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3306/17/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3406/17/2013

"Buns so tight he was bouncing off the walls."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3506/17/2013

[Edina and Patsy are looking at the pornographic magazine 'Razzle,' that Saffy found in her brother's room]

Saffron: It's disgusting! That is so degrading to women!

Patsy: What do you mean? She's the one with the whip!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3606/17/2013

You only work in a shop, ya know. So you can drop the attitude.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3706/17/2013

Pasty: She was so anally retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3806/17/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 3906/17/2013

Patsy: Bitch Trog!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4006/17/2013

Patsy to Eddie, who is wearing a tight dress:

"You look like a Zeppelin in a condom."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4106/17/2013

"She's blind!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4206/17/2013

Elton John: I think I knew you when you were a man. Patsy: And I knew you when you had hair. Elton John: I've always had hair, you bitch!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4306/17/2013

We do remove the lips first, darling.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4406/17/2013

Eddie on Catherine Zeta-Jones visiting London during the Olympics: "She'll be off to the Mumbles, won't she?"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4506/17/2013

Saffy: "That man just touched me!"

Patsy: "He's obviously very old and completely blind."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4606/17/2013

"No I'm not drunk, I'm at the bloody zoo!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4706/17/2013

Jackie (Patsy's sister): Our mother gave birth like a giant lawn sprinkler… scattering bastard babies to the four corners of the earth.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4806/17/2013

Patsy and Saffy playing Monopoly in the 'France' episode:

Saffy: "You can't just take money from the bank!"

Patsy: "I own Park Place, I can do whatever the bloody hell I want to do!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 4906/17/2013

"British Vogue! French Vogue! American Vogue! Aby-bloody-ssinian Vogue!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5006/17/2013

Don't question me.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5106/17/2013

qu'est que vous faites ici?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5206/17/2013

I paid a, a huge amount of money for that substance!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5306/17/2013

You only work in a shop ya'know

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5406/17/2013

Patsy on seeing Saffy in a wet bathing suite:

Quite big tits

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5506/17/2013

"We don't carry your size."

"I don't WEAR my size!!!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5606/17/2013

Edina: "Have you eaten, Pats?"

Patsy: "Not since 1973."

That one's a classic!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5706/17/2013

J-jus-just [italic]things,[/italic] darling. Little gorgeous [italic]things.[/italic]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5806/17/2013

r54 meet r37

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 5906/17/2013

Like a drunk in a midnight choir. I have tried in my way to be free. Yeah, you can laugh, but I don’t want more choice, I just want nicer things!

And you -- you take that look off your face -- you sitting there with your whales and your cancer and AIDS and starvation, skimming any profit off the whole of human misery, labelling us all with this, with this, global guilt.

Yeah well you know it may not be all that great and good, you know, but it ain't that bad!

So come on world cheer up -- it may never bloody happen!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6006/17/2013

There's nothing I love more than shopping for knick knacks.

I'm just here with a sick friend!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6106/17/2013

I'm chanting as I speak.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6206/17/2013

Eds: " PR! I PR things. People!Places! Concepts!

Pats: "Lulu!"

Eds: "Lulu!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6306/17/2013

Is it a dwarf?????

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6406/17/2013

M.P. in drug-crazed sex romp with shock with fash-mag slag

"You can never have to many hats, gloves and shoes."

"The whole world hangs off your cheekbones"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6506/17/2013

Bubble re Ivana Trump: " Looks like the classic bimbo to me. Look at that terrible blonde hair piled on top of her head, false tan, she's far too thin, always pouting, absolutely no character, skirts too short. I mean, it's pathetic, older woman struggling to look twenty-five." (smirks at Patsy) "Sorry."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6606/17/2013

Is it...a bee?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6706/17/2013

Patsy, about Saff's husband: "Is he from Gabon??"

Eddy on Saff's schoolmate: "Something in a blue Kagool is hovering on the stairs."

And my favorite of all:

"Champagne for Lulu!!!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6806/17/2013

Eddie: Life is a mystery, everyone must stand alone Saffie: That's lovely Eddie: I hear you call my name and it feels like home Saffie: Who said that? Eddie: It's Madonna darling

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 6906/17/2013

"Pop-Specs, sweetie! Pop-Specs!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7006/17/2013

Eddie: Had two husbands, one was too short one was gay. Still sweetie if you want to know how to peck a dwarf on the cheek as he's walking out of the house to the disco in your dress, then I'm your girl.

Eddie: I did tell you the facts of life didn't I sweetie?

Saffie: If you mean that time you sat on my bed and shook me awake at two in the morning, stoned out of your brain, and slurred into my ear 'By the way sweetie, people have it off,' then yes, you told me the facts of life.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7106/17/2013

"She WAS the slot machine."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7206/17/2013

"It's a small shoe..."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7306/17/2013

[About the shop]

India's: had it, been there... Africa's dried up completely now... It's ridiculous... Thank God for Grozny. Honestly. Well, darling, if it wasn't for that lovely little Russian army advancing, thrashing out all those gorgeous little heirlooms in my direction, I don't know what I'd do... Oh, you should see, darling, in the shop I've got at the moment this fabulous little samovar with a little old woman still attached to it, sweetie. Clinging on for dear life. Having to lure her off with dry bread crumbs so that I could get a decent price...

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7406/17/2013

From "France":

Eddie, completely drunk, gets into the right side of their rental car, grabs for the steering wheel, doesn't find it and screams, "Shit! Someone's taken the steering-wheel!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7506/17/2013

"Bloody asthmatic cab driver!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7606/17/2013

Saffy: What does that mean? Eddie: Kind to trees, sweetie Saffy: How are they kind to trees? Eddie: Well they ain't made of wood, how kind do you want?!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7706/17/2013

Patsy: "Gin and tonic, Eddy! Oooooo, gin and tonic!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7806/17/2013

I'm with R68, Champagne for Lulu!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 7906/17/2013

It's carpets! It's madness! It's carpet...madness!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8006/17/2013

Saffy: Ok, I got you condoms and femidoms. You are going to be safe, right?

Edina: Yes of course sweetie.

[Looking in the bag] Saffy: Have you opened these?

[Waving hands in the air] Gran: They don't put fingers on these gloves.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8106/17/2013

Pregnant Saffy: The baby! It kicked!

Patsy: Who wouldn't. I'm rather tempted myself.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8206/17/2013

I'm with (R24). I l love that monologue-

Douching with mint is a thought. Ten tips for tropical toenails. I'm thinking natural zing. "Moist" is my word du jour. Skin-- is in. Lovely moist wet lips. Wet droplets. Sun, sea, sand, water, waves, beach. I see a photo shoot. I'm looking at two weeks in the Caribbean. And the usual- try to be more beautiful if you want to have more sex.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8306/17/2013

It's not just bees. They're the GUCCI of bees!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8406/17/2013

emergency liposuction!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8506/17/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8606/17/2013

The brilliant Magda Patsy's Editor:

This month I want articles about how lovely spending money is. Expensive things, the better cosmetics are great. I want money, money, money. Spend, spend, spend. I don't want to see any more photos of gormless skeletons with no brains, no make-up and no bloody tits.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8706/17/2013

Patsy: "You've been a fantastic mother. You've let them ruin your figure. Your stomach's stretched beyond recognition, you've got tits down to your knees, and what for, for God's sake?"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8806/17/2013

Patsy: Don't let her torture you, Eddy. I mean, she ruined your figure in the first place! She's the one who turned you into this...POTATO that we see before us.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 8906/17/2013

#38 made me laugh: 'Pasty'

Gay men used to talk like this. Now if you get catty, you're "negative" or "a bitter old queen".

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9006/17/2013

Eddy to her mother: "I'm doing regressive memory therapy- I'll get something on YOU".

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9106/17/2013

It's not a line, but the time Eddie and Pats get into their car after getting pissed in a French vineyard...

Because it happened to me and my mum - and I was sober...

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9206/17/2013

EDDY: Darling... look... Lacroix... baby spew... Lacroix... baby spew, darling!

EDDY: Is that what you really want me to be, darling? NORMAL? Some boring old normal old toilet go-er, huh? HMM?

PATSY: Mrs. M...I heard about Mr. M. I uh...condole you.

There are a lot of great Bubble quotes I love, but they don't quite work without Jane Horrocks saying them!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9306/17/2013

R45 was one of those lines I didn't get.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9406/17/2013

Help me out here, Justin.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9506/17/2013

Stoli, babe! I got a bottle!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9606/17/2013

Magda paraphrase:

Models get any younger they'll be chucking fetuses down the runway!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9706/17/2013

Saffy! Why are you standing so close to your mother?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9806/17/2013

"It's cocaine. Lines inside mean lines outside."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 9906/17/2013

"Poor dear sad old Patsy."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10006/17/2013

Little bits of HOOF....

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10106/17/2013

Judge: Any more of this ridiculous rant and I'll put YOU BOTH away!

Gran: Hear, hear!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10206/17/2013

Quite big tits.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10306/17/2013

Is it a hat?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10406/17/2013

Eddie: All right, time for another little drinkie before we go?

Saffie: Where are you going?

Eddie: New York.

Saffie: I didn't think they let people with convictions in.

Eddie: Darling, its not a conviction.

Patsy: Just a firm belief.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10506/17/2013

EDDIE: Sweetie, darling. Sweetie, darling. You don't mind me calling you that do you, sweetie? Hmmmm? Do you darling? I dunno how it started but once these things start, it's hard to get out of these habits.

SAFFY: It started because you couldn't remember my name for the first three years.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10606/17/2013

Pats and Eddie walk into the super market with Eddie waving the list at people passing by.

("Shopping list for Mum..thank you sweetie.")


It kills me that she expects someone to "wait" on her.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10706/17/2013


Bin bags! Bin bags!

Everyone sit on a bin bag. Sit on a bin bag!

Body coasters! Body coasters everyone!

You! Off there and on a bloody bin bag!

Get on those bin bags!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10806/17/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 10906/17/2013

Patsy to Bubble: "She's emaciated like her brain!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11006/17/2013

It's la Croix, sweety darling, La Croix!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11106/17/2013

Edina: Oooh, sweetie…darling…oh god, sweetie what a day, what a day I’ve had sweetie, darling. (throws herself down on kitchen table) I have been at work since I left here this morning!

Saffie: You want some lunch?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11206/17/2013

Patsy: Well, what am I supposed to do if you die?

Edina: Get cabs!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11306/17/2013

Well, how much is the stick? I'll buy my own bloody stick.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11406/17/2013

"Yeah, but is it art, Eddie?" can be used in countless life situations.


Eddie: This is... This is a, sort of... corpse... in an open, oaken, oblong coffin... Silky lining. It's a dead body, Pats.

Patsy: Yeah, but is it art, Eddie?

Eddie: No, sweetie, it's my father.

Patsy: Are you sure?

Eddie: Yeah, I think so. But I've just never seen him in a suit before.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11506/17/2013

"And sometimes, when I sneeze...I pee."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11606/17/2013

Can we just kill the whales?!

Is this the Car Clamp Club?

I want total sensory deprivation and back up drugs!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11706/17/2013

Give me back my life!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11806/17/2013

Sisters Grimm can I tempt you?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 11906/18/2013

Magda: Here's my list. Cross her off, she screwed me. Oh, and put him in, he screwed me. Do something on River Phoenix, I really fancy him.

Catriona: Right.

Magda: River Phoenix, Mickey Rourke, Liam Neeson. Don't do anything on anyone called Freud. I don't like them. Bunch of no-talents with an ancestor.

Catriona: But they were in last month.

Magda: So? I'm not running a bloody charity. Just because some old granddaddy invented penis-envy doesn't mean I have to lick their boots!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12006/18/2013

Its a mixer Patsy, We have it with whiskey.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12106/18/2013

I don't want more choice I just want nicer things!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12206/18/2013

Is your hair on purpose?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12306/18/2013

My name is Patsy Stone, and I'm an alcoholic.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12406/18/2013

"Really go for it kids", "mm, yeah, that's delicious" -patsy narrarating the porno that gets shown at saffy's school. "i was dragged up by you and that piece of flint." -saffy "squish, squish, i cant do that crying thing sweetheart"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12506/18/2013

You look like a sad reject from Ready, Steady, Go!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12606/18/2013

Edina's Mother watching the 70s porn film: "How did I think those curtains went with that carpet"!

Patsy in the son Serge's room when they are looking at his old magazines: "Razzle? - what year? what month?"

"Champagne for Lulu"

"Not a bad life" - in the flash-forward to 25 years later in "The End" episode.

That whole segment of Patsy in New York and Edina arrives by helicopter to rescue her, also in "The End".

All Lindsay Duncan's lines in that recent one where she was the French movie star (a la Moreau or Deneuve) who is Edina's new client.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12706/18/2013

The "Sex" episode where they both hire the escorts who turn out to be gay rentboys with their hard-on sprays ! too too funny.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12806/18/2013

Great, big pendulous breasts. I'd like to fill a bra!


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 12906/18/2013

"Why did you burn my books?"


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13006/18/2013

Saffie: Was I? By whom? You told me your milk dried up, your tubes blocked and your nipples dropped off.

Eddie: Well... Well, they did, they did!

Saffie: So who was I breast-fed by? Not one of the many saggy-tittied hippies who lived with us at the time, I hope.

Eddie: Darling, it was a commune. That was the point. Anyway, sweetie, I mean, they gave you a good start in life, didn't they? I mean, you're alright, aren't you? Sweetie, you're alright, aren't you?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13106/18/2013

Edina: God, I hope you're not inviting that bloody, bollocky, selfish, two-faced, chicken bastard, pig-dog-man, are you?

Saffy: You could just say "Dad!" I'd still know what you meant!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13206/18/2013

Fleur: Have you tried this? It’s a triple acting, alpha-hydroxy acid natural complex to reactivate your skin making you… scientifically more beautiful.

Catriona: Sounds good!

Fleur: “Dermatologists and opthamologists tested non-acnegenic-..” I don’t know what any of this means but it’s forcing me to believe it!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13306/18/2013

From France,

Eddie drinking glasses of wine: No this is the one.. this the one.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13406/18/2013

Shepherd's Bush?

Holland Park, Holland Park...

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13506/18/2013

"Mow the Netherlands!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13606/18/2013

The mother chirping about Edwina's weight gain: "Too many Christmas cakes!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13706/18/2013

Not a line, but a really funny shot of Patsy in the supermarket lugging a case of Veuve Clicquot over to the cart and the pleading expression on Patsy's face when Eddie sees her.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13806/18/2013

Gran to young Pats: Can't have you turning into a great big gangling wotsit, skinny balinky longlegs, big banana feet.

Turning to young Eddie: Or a roly poly pudding that no-one want's to meet.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 13906/18/2013

At Fashion Awards to Claudia Bing "Yes Naomi's being very difficult" agreeing with Edina

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14006/18/2013

The best part of that r140, is that Naomi was being perfectly agreeable and friendly with the people around her.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14106/18/2013

Brains is working on the formula.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14206/18/2013

The sands of time are trickling through my hourglass!!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14306/19/2013

Visula gag -

When Jackie Stone sees Saffy for the first time, she staggers back with fright.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14406/19/2013


Mumbles is the small town in Wales where Zeta-Jones grew up. (If that explains the joke.)

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14506/19/2013

I was just trying to be nice.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14606/19/2013

Tell that little trail of cat sick not to question me.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14706/19/2013

[quote]GURU WOMAN-" Can you feel the life forces flowing? Can you feel them?" EDDY-" No, but I can smell them, honestly."

I've always loved how Jennifer Saunders is clearly cracking up as she says this line.

My favorite is Claudia Bing's "In conclusion, why change the world, when all you need to do is change people's perception of it?" and "I accept this *totally!*"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14806/19/2013

I like the 'you only work in a shop' one. Every time I'm in a store where the clerk cops attitude I just want my inner Eddy to come out with that line.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 14906/19/2013

Eddie: Pats, did I tell you I'm opening a shop?

Patsy: Oh.. what are you going to sell?

Eddie: Gorgeous Things!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15006/19/2013

"Look at you. All grief and resentful care. Here I am in this place of old age and pallid diseases, looked after by so-called nurses. Just gropers of old bones. You come here and hang breathless around me, hoping for me to die. Denied even my intellectual liberty. Allowed only two Barbara Cartlands a day. Forced to sit on my 'Female Eunuch' to keep their dirty hands off it. The tyranny of children!"

"Oh, for God's sake, just die!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15106/19/2013

Good God Edie what are you wearing?

It's La Croix

It's fantastic.

In the pitch meeting -

Chairs...I was thinking we could do a lovely photo shoot with..chairs

Edite to Saffy

"i knew I wanted you the day you were born, mommy loved you.."

Pats - "However....the day after....."

Saffy and Edina -

You have been getting dressed for three hours and you still look like a bloated circus fruit

You are what you eat remember?

Which makes you a very large vegetarian tart

Edina threatening to order a romanian baby-


Patsy on the News Edina is dying -

Well what am I supposed to do if you die?

Get Cabs!!

Pop Specs Edina and Saffy

it's a sticker with a green tree

What does that mean

Kind to trees?? Darling...

How are they kind to trees?

Well they ain't made of wood Darling how kind do you want?

Saffy going through Edina's old clothes -

I could take these down to the charity shop

You cannot give these sort of clothes to the poor! Darling I am sure they have enough to contend with without the added humiliation of having to wear last season.

Pats, Edina and Saffy (always the best combo)

My New Year's resolution, sweetie… to have more fun! What's yours, Pats?

Ohh, well, I think I'll just try to be more relaxed.

You? More relaxed? What is that, dead? Well, that cancels out my resolution.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15206/19/2013

Edina about Saffy

She's so cold, I bet she has her period in cubes

Edina to Baby Spice -

They don't want to know your mum's your best friend. They want you to be some one-armed lesbian asylum seeker. They want the full cellulite shots. They want a 40 in the bed perv orgy with your Spice mates. They want you mainlining, arm jacking, smack crack nightmare, darling. They want you filleted and splayed on the butcher's block so they can photograph all your organs for Heat magazine. I mean frankly, for once, I want to see you foaming at the mouth, stinking of piss in the gutter with this little thumb stuck up Justin Timberlake's arse and you wearing nothing but a Gucci belt.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15306/19/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15406/19/2013

Because I'm fat, I use these frequently:

"I want to be a ROADMAP of VEINS."



"A knick-a-knack and brick-a-brack..." (when Eddie's mum sold her stuff to a pawn shop).

I know that " in" has been mentioned, but it's good enough to mention twice.

Squish squish, darling, squish squish.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15506/19/2013

But Jesus Christ, darling! Not one bloody boyfriend in the whole time that I've known you! I mean, you're not that bloody ugly!...... I mean, God! Here I am, your mother, poised for your first sexual experience and night after night, dry bloody sheets! I'm sorry, darling, but I don't want a little moustached virgin for a daughter, so do something about it!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15606/19/2013

It is a miracle that I can walk at all. I bless the wonder of life and the newness of living. [pout]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15706/19/2013

Pats and Saffy

I should have sued. I was cut to ribbons, I was scarred for life!

Extraordinary how it managed to hit you in exactly the same place behind each ear!

Bubble -

Minnie Driver? Is it a dwarf?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15806/20/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 15906/21/2013

I'll have a black Chapuchino.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16006/21/2013

Sad we have to go back a decade or so to find a clever, funny show.

When I want a laugh I put on an AbFab or Will & Grace dvd.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16106/21/2013

Edina threatening to adopt a Romanian baby:

Edina: I wonder how you do go about it. I've always regretted not adopting a Vietnamese when that was the thing.

Saffy: I should imagine you would have to go to Romania.

Edina: Oh don't be stupid, darling. I'm sure they could send over a selection and I could pick one. I wonder what Romanians look like, darling. I'll call Patsy, she'll know.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16206/21/2013

You're still too fat!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16306/23/2013

Eddie is trying to lose weight...again.

Saff: "Look, mum. All you've got to do is eat less and take a bit of exercise."

Eddie: "Sweetie, if it was that easy, everyone would be doing it."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16406/23/2013

"If the models get any thinner Pats, they'll be chucking fetuses darn the catwalk."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16509/08/2013

"If the models get any younger Pats, they'll be chucking foetuses down the catwalk."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16609/08/2013

You should watch Web Therapy or Veep R161.

Anything Eddi mumbles under her breath to or at Saffron is hilarious.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16709/08/2013


Pronounced fee-úh-ses, of course

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16809/08/2013

"We like it. We think it's the new millennium."

"Oh, we've TRIED going green, but it's no earthly use..."

"He's the one responsible for MILK and BEEF..."

"Men like something to grab onto! Isn't that right, Oliver?"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 16909/08/2013

Patsy: Oh my god there's something horrible on the stairs!

Saffy: It's me.

Patsy: I'm not blind.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17009/08/2013

Magda: Hello, Pats! How are ya? Unlucky business with the M.P. Still the "Hello!" thing should sort that out. I better make this quick I've got a lingerie opening and a feminine wash launch to get to by six, and all this with my working champagne lunch with Anouska bloody Hempel floating about here. This month I want articles about how lovely spending money is. Expensive things, the better cosmetics are great. I want money, money, money. Spend, spend, spend. I don't want to see any more photos of gormless skeletons with no brains, no make-up and no bloody tits.

Kathy Burke was hilarious; I wish they'd used her as Magda more than they did.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17109/08/2013

"You get your dry-cleaning back and it's a REVIVAL!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17209/08/2013

Many people have said Kathy Burke should have been given a Magda spin off sitcom. I so agree.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17309/08/2013

Not a line, but in the France episode: Edina, shitfaced drunk, backing the car into a tree as she and Patsy leave the winery.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17409/08/2013

Ab Fab with Golden Girls credits:

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17509/08/2013

Unless of course... Unless of course you're gay, darling.

Saffron: Mum!

Edina: Sweetie! Are you darling? You can tell me, sweetie. Are you darling?

Saffron: Yes, I'm gay.

Edina: Oh, hoorah!


Edina: Well done, darling, well done!

Saffron: I'm glad it makes you happy, but actually, I'm not.

Edina: What?

Saffron: I'm not gay!

[Edina looks disappointed]

Saffron: Sorry.

Edina: Oh! Break it to me like that, why don't you? Yes... I suppose it's not your fault, really, is it? Just your old mother clutching at straws. Trying to find one exotic, interesting feature about you, but there we are.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17609/08/2013

^ Brilliant!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17709/08/2013

[quote]Many people have said Kathy Burke should have been given a Magda spin off sitcom. I so agree.

I would have needed sub-titles or a translator. Thank goodness for CC.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17809/08/2013

I meant the Golden Girls redo ...

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 17909/08/2013

I like them if they're LaCroix

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18009/08/2013

Shomeone took the shteering wheel!

*(Background: Patsy plops)*

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18109/08/2013

Hamish: Where have you been?

Carmen: Spain

Hamish: Ah, off the beaten track ... Andalusia, forgotten Catalania. My own secret Majorca.

Carmen: More like my own secret arsehole. It was a shitty bit of coastline ruined by patronizing English gits. "Oh you must come over and share a rather fine local Rioja." Oh, piss off you sad twats!

Hamish: Oh, dear. Mr Dictionary seems to have deserted us again.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18209/08/2013

This thread is nothing without...

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18309/08/2013

Yeah, I never saw the appeal in her character because she was almost impossible to understand. One of the best parts of watching AbFab is hearing the incredibly well-written dialogue come out of the mouths of really talented actresses.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18409/08/2013

Grandmum to a drag queen: "Oh, hello Patsy"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18509/08/2013

Eddie: Every rich bitch from New York is in there. Hockwenden, Ruttenstein, Vandebilt, Rothschild, Hookenfookenberger, Dachshund, Rottweiler, sweetie.

Eddie Continues Rant: "Free Champagne Reception". Get on to Moët et Chandon, and tell them it's for charity! Get on to Joan Collins, and tell her it's free champagne!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18609/08/2013

Danny, Hello

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18709/08/2013

I never had friends or parties or presents, ya know. The first few years of my life i was just locked in a room.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18809/08/2013

Most Americans can't understand a word Kathy Burke says as Magda. It's too bad because she has some of the funniest lines on the whole show.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 18909/08/2013

What do Romanians look like? Ivan Lendl! Oh, that would be nice

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19009/08/2013

Ooo... Bear with me, see, I am HOPELESS with names, faces and people.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19109/08/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19209/08/2013

Eddie: PR! I PR things! People. Places. Concepts...

Patsy: ...Lulu!

Eddie: Lulu!... I make the fabulous... I make the crap into credible. I make the dull into...

Patsy: ...Delicious!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19309/08/2013

I love the scene in the episode MAGAZINE when the guy describes the restaurants and menus to Magda in graphic detail after she requests a place to have lunch, she just looks at him and says "Ta." which is cockney english for "Thanks"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19409/08/2013

What is this, Eastern Europe?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19509/08/2013

Chairs. Chairs would be nice.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19609/08/2013

Darling, that was twenty years ago. The wives got the houses, not the hookers!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19709/08/2013

Chanpagne for Lulu!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19809/08/2013

There is always a mincing priss like R59 who posts that. It could be 599 posts and she'd still swoop in.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 19909/08/2013

Patsy: Ey, Eddy, Eddy, remember that weekend with Mick and the boys? Laughs Fantastic!

Edina: Fabulous days, darling. [To Saffy]

Patsy used to go out with Keith Moon, sweetie.

Patsy: Yeah, sort of. I mean, I woke up underneath him in a hotel bedroom once.

Edina: Yeah, still, that was going steady for the 60s, believe me.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20009/08/2013

Edina: Can you just shut Titticaca here up for a second?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20109/08/2013

"Take this baby away, and bring me another lover-r-r-r!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20209/08/2013

"I think I can feel one of my heads coming on, dear. Have you any aspirin? Or some of that homophobic remedy?"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20309/08/2013

She was so anal retentive she couldn't sit down for fear of sucking up the furniture!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20409/08/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20509/11/2013

Nodded off

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20609/11/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20709/11/2013

[quote]I love the scene in the episode MAGAZINE when the guy describes the restaurants and menus to Magda in graphic detail after she requests a place to have lunch, she just looks at him and says "Ta." which is cockney english for "Thanks"

Yes! That's a brilliant moment. ("...But the tomates were rather pulpeuses.") That guy is Jennifer Saunders's husband, by the way.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20809/11/2013

[quote]I am Aphrodite, I LIVE, I breathe...I am Diana....I am Queen DIDO!...oh, what a light, dances over the world!!!! Get out of my way, child! Don't stand in my path while I'm trying to EXPRESS!!!! What are you doing here? They cut the cord when you were born, when my body EXPELLED YOU! Accept your liberty, my little VOID, and let this spirit beeee FREEEEEEEE! Anyway, I got Humphrey and Andre coming over...I'd rather not have you around....if you're planning to go out, don't forget your key.. I'm hoping for a little imaginative SYNTHESIS tonight... and can frankly.... do without... the competition.....BEAT IT!!!!!!!!!!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 20909/11/2013

The Rolling Who?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21009/11/2013

No, but I can smell 'em!!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21109/11/2013

Douching....with mint....

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21209/11/2013

New Years Eve Patsy's sister greets her at the door,

"Oh I almost didn't recognize you. you've gained weight."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21309/11/2013

Patsy, I'm 72 years old

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21409/11/2013

Saffy: I use to dream of lovely families. t Eddie: You had a family! t Saffy: I lived with you and that piece of flint! You dragged me up! I've lived in such worlds I should have known nothing about! Worlds with no morals and no responsibilities! And not just glimpsed - you took my face with your four hands and pushed it up against the window! t Patsy: We should have pushed it through!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21510/17/2013

Full tit and minge

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21610/17/2013

Now, listen. I've put up with a lot. I've tolerated plastic flower arrangements. I overlooked ceramic hands clasped in prayer and even a sphinx whose head lit up.

But I draw the line at pickled Negro babies on the mantelpiece in a jar!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21710/17/2013

The very first episode, as a pissed Edina falls out of her car, totters towards a disapproving Saffy - and then stumbles and vanishes behind the wall...

No lines, just the beginning of greatness...

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21810/17/2013

Patsy on Princess Anne:

"The only label she knows is drip dry".

Edie's hairdresser:

"Oh, you're a whoe with your hair".

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 21910/17/2013

Bo as televangelist character:

Epiphany: Facinatin' Lola, now tell me how did Jesus come to ya?

Did he come from the side, did he come from above, did he come straight at ya?

I know he didn't come from below cuz ya wouldn'a been able ta see'm. He'd a been lost down there fer days.

Now how did Jesus come t'ya?

Lola: He came more on the di-ay-ga-nal.

Epiphany: My that's a big word for you Lola! Diagonal.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22010/17/2013

Patsy was so bad at sweet talking the hot Idris Elba as the bought and paid for escort for their night of sex.

"Has anyone ever told you that you look like Sean Connery?"

"Hey Hilt, if I said you had a beautiful body, would you hold it against me?"

Followed by that snorting, grunting laugh.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22110/17/2013

It's a ... very small ... shoe

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22210/17/2013

[Saffie commenting on Patsy's new Botox look] You look like a haggis with pointed toes. A tight old bladder skin holding together some rotting offal.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22310/17/2013

She's talking to you!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22410/17/2013

Every bit of the hog!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22510/17/2013

Anyone know why they called that girl Titicaca? I die laughing every time I heard that but never figured out why they call her that.

Saffy: You burnt and scarred my best friend! Patsy: Who?? Edina: Titicaca. Patsy: Oh. [nods] Saffy: Her name is Sarah

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22610/17/2013

Oh, you little bitch troll from hell!

the whole scene when theyre at wine tasting on the effed up vacation!

and the time eddie was locked out and shes begging to be let inside. 'Sweetie darling, let mummy in?' (then satanic) 'SWEETIE DARLING LET ME IN!'

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22710/17/2013

Mum, why does she get to talk to me that way?!

Because she's THIN!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22810/17/2013

Don't worry about it darling. It was only for a year and then it fell off.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 22910/18/2013

Make mummy coffee

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23010/18/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23110/18/2013

She inhaled our kitchen.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23210/18/2013

I want them to kill me!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23310/18/2013

r226, just like Eddie assumed that all Romanian babies would look like Ivan Lendl, she reasoned that poor Sarah looked like people who were from the Lake Titicaca region of Peru.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23410/18/2013

'I've been to paradise but I ain't never been to me.'

And I love the 'yes, but is it art?' line. Honestly use this in real life.

The best moment was when the kitchen had burnt down and Patsy's head suddenly pops up. The first time I saw that I was not expecting it at all and literally had tears rolling down my face.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23510/18/2013

My favorite scene was during the poor episode. When they got out and beat on the woman who was honking at them. That was the best episode of the whole series.

"It's a road you know."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23610/18/2013

"A bungee jump with the chord behind your neck should give the desired effect." - Saffy to Patsy on how to pass for 39

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23710/18/2013

And my all time favorite moment, though not a line: Saffy's extended look of astonishment when Edina tells her she was breast-fed by saggy tittled hippies who have all long died of overdoses since then

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23810/18/2013

LOL Saffy was underrated. The show would never have been the same without that little bitch. Whoever cast her as the daughter deserves a prize. They really look like mother and daughter.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 23910/18/2013

How old was the actress playing Saffy when she did AbFab? I saw her in the BBC version of P&P as Lydia and she seemed a lot thinner than Saffy looked. Of course Saffy was always dressed in dowdy, baggy clothing.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24010/18/2013

(Edina comes into the kitchen to find her mother making a cake)

Edina: What? This is all my stuff you're using?

Gran: What, dear?

Edina: All this. This... wheat-powder. what's... this?

Gran: Flour, dear?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24110/18/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24210/18/2013

Am I...poor?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24310/19/2013

Jane Horrocks was asked during a London radio interview if it's true she was originally being considered for Saffy. "Yes, I was," she replied. "But Jennifer told me I was TOO OLD."

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24410/19/2013

Patsy hasn't eaten since 1974.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24510/19/2013

When sister Jackie visited the girls on New Years Eve, Patsy went down to the kitchen to ask for some of those "food things." Saffy rushed over to her with a dish of something and Pats took a little piece and put it in her mouth. As Saffy and Eddie watched, Pats went through the trauma of having something solid in her mouth. But, she choked it down, much to the amazement of Saff and Eddie.

There is a blooper of that scene somewhere on Youtube and it is just as funny as you would hope it to be.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24610/19/2013

Patsy: What am I suppose to do? Edina: Get cabs!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24710/19/2013

Saffy: What is it that you do anyway? Bubble: Don't know. Get paid?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24810/19/2013

Mother: Oh, it's a chap-a-kino. (cappuccino)

Edina: Sweetie-darling let me in, sweetie-darling, let me in!

Patsy: The last mosquito that bit me had to book into Betty Ford Clinic.

Edina: Sweetie what are you drinking? Patsy: This? Chanel 5.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 24910/19/2013

I'm ga-going.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25010/19/2013

You little piece of dribble piss

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25110/19/2013

Surgery. Liposuction on the stomach and thighs. Tit lift. Bum lift. Lose a rib.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25210/19/2013

I just watched the Iso Tank episode... it's pretty genius.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25310/19/2013

Pats, what do Romanians look like?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25410/19/2013

When Bubble says, 'It's not just for Christmas, its for life,' when Eddie tells her to get rid of her lap dog - which she bought because she misunderstood Eddie's demand to get a laptop for the office.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25510/19/2013

There ya go again', mistakin' me for someone who gives a damn!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25610/19/2013

Greenpeace approved!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25710/20/2013

NURSE MARY: Right. Have you recently had or are you due for your period?

EDDIE: Well, yes, both. Is that important?

NURSE MARY: No. I'm just making conversation.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25810/20/2013

Nothing made me laugh like Patsy showing up in the kitchen after Eddie was lamenting her imminent demise. (C'mon, live!!...Live!!)

Pats chastises Eddie for not picking her up from the hospital, starts to cough and pulls a long section of tubing out of her nose while Eddie looks on aghast.

(Yeah, I know it wasn't up her nose, but she did a good job of making it look like it.)

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 25910/20/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26010/20/2013


by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26110/20/2013


Hamster from Harrods.

It's all shillings, pounds, and pence to me!

It just comes, and comes, and comes

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26210/20/2013

You want to hear some gossip about someone you don't know?

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26310/20/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26410/20/2013

He looks "plunked"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26510/20/2013

Bubble: Hoover vacuum's broke.

Eddy: How did that happen?

Bubble: It fell out of the window while I was doing sills.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26610/20/2013

Very high voice..."Hello! Hello! Hello!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26710/20/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26810/20/2013

"Stare! Stare! Hello! Hello! Stare!" - in Morocco

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 26910/20/2013

It's carpet! It's madness! Carpet madness!

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27010/20/2013

[all posts by tedious, racist idiot removed.]

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27110/20/2013

"Community Service"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27210/20/2013

One of my other favorite scenes that was wordless...after Edina was sniffing Saff because she smelled like yogurt.....and the hot guy give Saff the stare as she's walking out.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27310/20/2013

Do you think she wanted her(Patsy) stomach pumped again? She thought they were her antibiotics.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27411/03/2013

Eddy: "You're quite thin, aren't you, Bubble?" Pats: "Yes, she's EMACIATED! Like her BRAIN!"

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27503/18/2014

Meg Ryan "movie star?" I'll be the judge of that.

by Patsy Stone, 39reply 27609/12/2015
Need more help? Click Here.

Follow theDL catch up on what you missed

recent threads by topic delivered to your email

follow popular threads on twitter

follow us on facebook

Become a contributor - post when you want with no ads!