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Funeral Drama Stories

By request...

Post your tales of funeral meltdowns and mayhem here.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5906/19/2013

I had my Chuckles the Clown moment at a very small funeral where I had been asked beforehand to be a pallbearer. At some point during the eulogy, my sister sitting next to me let out a guffaw, and that had a cascading effect of convulsive laughter that also involved an aunt who was sitting next to me. Try as I might to regain my composure, I could stop the laughing.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 106/15/2013

By request?

If there's not interest in the requester's interest, she can look at this old thread.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 206/15/2013

Not what you're looking for, I imagine, but ...

My extended family have a family cemetery on ancestral ranch land way out in the boondocks. At the last funeral I attended there many years ago, my second cousin once removed skipped the ceremony because he had to move the sheep to a different pasture from the one adjacent to the cemetery. His method for controlling the sheepdogs was to cuss at them at the top of his lungs (and point to where he wanted to dogs to go).

Just as the minister launched into his holy mumbo-jumbo spiel, my cousin on horseback a short distance away lost control of the flock and launched a string of expletives that would make a sailor blush, as they say.

"GOD DAMN IT BILL (one of the younger dogs), GET THAT FUCKER BACK HERE YOU FUCKER!!! GOD DAMN YOU BILL, YOU AIN'T WORTH SHIT YOU MISERABLE FUCKER!!! Rinse and repeat for several minutes before the dogs got the herd back together.

The deceased name was also Bill. The funeral crowd was in tears of laughter.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 306/15/2013

Its not really a drama, but I once dated this guy who told me the following: He had been dating this guy for a few weeks and everything was going great and hot and heavy. One day he had to go to a funeral for one of his uncles. When he arrives at the funeral home he sees his boyfriend. "What are you doing at my uncles funeral?", he asks to which was answered, "Your uncle? He's my uncle."

And thats how he found out he was fucking his cousin.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 406/15/2013

FOB, how is Butterbean? Haven't seen him on here in a while.

All the funerals I've been to have been completely normal.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 506/15/2013

Thanks again to FOB for creating this thread for me to share the strange tale from yesterday.... First a little back story...My mom comes from a large family ( 7 girls and 2 boys...) with a large amount of ongoing drama over the years. The big reason for the drama/rift in my family is because the husband of one of the sisters molested a number of my cousins and my sisters while we were growing up including the one who is the center of this story.

My cousins mother, (Mom's sister) had been ill for quite some time due to congestive heart failure, diabetes and high blood pressure along with a host of other ailments. She had been in a nursing home and receiving dialysis for the last several months and it was a long, slow decline before she passed. The last several months consisted of my mom and another sister visiting her daily and helping out as needed. My cousin lives about 4 hours away an came as often as she could to visit and to try and take care of her mother's affairs. What about the other sisters and brothers, you ask? Well they have nothing to do with my mom, the dying aunt and the other aunt who had daughters molested by my uncle.

When all of the molestation came to light a couple of decades ago; of course everyone questioned it and the other half of the family decided to circle the wagons and protect this man because they didn't want to hurt their sister. They even allowed their own children to visit and stay overnight at this relatives house after the fact. The most pious aunt of the bunch was actually fucking the molester when she was 16-17 because my recently deceased aunt caught her. He was/still is married to her sister.

Fast forward a bit...I'm out and proud and have a partner of 18 years whom my mom loves. My cousin is a lesbian with a partner of several years whom my aunt loves. The whole gay thing in my family has always been a bit strained because my mom is Pentecostal and pretty religious. It doesn't help that all of my aunts in the family are just like their mother...hateful and vindictive. (Including my mother...) She's supportive of me but the religion thing is just a thorn...

Anyway, my aunt dies Thursday morning and my mom and cousin are there trying to take care of everything. The entire time all of this is happening; I continue to get spiteful messages from my mom saying that my cousin is too busy drinking and worried about selling her house, etc...yada, yada, yada. I remain as noncommittal as possible. Of course during all of this, my aunt (who was never really religious...accepts Jesus, etc and wants a church service for her funeral.) My mom's preacher comes in and strong arms the whole planning thing and says that the service can be held at the church and they will serve lunch and it will all be fine.

And then... My cousin has written the obituary and left out all of the siblings who had nothing to do with her mom. They simply want be listed. Her partner, will be listed, however and my mom is not pleased. Everything is agreed upon and my cousin leaves only to be called back by the funeral director who passes her the phone with the preacher on the other side. Turns out, that they didn't agree with her listing her partner on the obituary and that she would have to change it or not have the service at the church....they don't want to be on record as supporting of our lifestyles (their word). My cousin refuses and the church pulls the offer to host the funeral service.

The funeral director is floored and says that he's never heard of such in all his years of doing this and by the way..."who do you want to do the service now..?" My cousin has no idea so the director suggests another local Pentecostal preacher who left the church over such bigotry and the like. Full disclaimer: I know the preacher and hated him growing up...just another judgmental prick...it gets better though....

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 606/15/2013

So the funeral director proceeds to ask my cousin why there is such a rift in the family and she fills him in on the whole sordid affair. The kicker, is that the original pastor of my mom's church (not the current one who refused to perform the funeral) knew about the molestation and thought it best to pray, etc. and not report anything. So the funeral director calls in the back up Pentecostal preacher and my cousin fills him in on the drama. He explodes and actually says "I can't believe those fucking judmental people..." Followed by "you didn't hear me say that. Is seems that he left the formal Pentecostal church because of things like that. Anyway, he agrees to perform the service at the funeral home.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 706/15/2013

In the meantime, my mom is having fits because it will "look bad" not to include the rest of the family (that even she doesn't talk to) in the obituary. Not to mention that she thinks my cousin slighted her church by not agreeing to have the service there. She's on and on about "her sister's wishes...." Prior to all of this....at some point in time, my aunt had given my mom her wedding rings to keep. To hear my mom tell it; it was because she didn't want my cousins partner wearing them. My cousin insists that her mom told her that she could have the wedding rings. My mom is stalling my cousin about the rings and sending me texts saying that she has already found a buyer for her house and that they're driving her car...What did she expect? The woman is dead and her only heir is her lesbian daughter who has a longtime partner. The texts from my mom get increasing bitter and my cousin is giving her hell about the whole situation. In one conversation, she even brings up me and my partner and questions what she would do in that situation.....silence from my mom. So my partner and I get up Friday morning and drive the three hours to pay our respects. We arrive right on time and take our seats for what is sure to be fireworks. And who walks in to sit in the rear of the funeral home? The pastor who refused my cousin the use of his church for the service and the original pastor who knew about the molestation. They take their seats along side the pious aunts who apparently condone fucking little girls. Unbeknownst to me...my mother had spoken with the funeral director and arranged to have the rings placed in the casket of her sister prior to them closing it. We make the long procession to the graveyard and stand in the heat for the final words before everyone adjourns. (My mom had previously told me that we WOULD NOT be attending the reception at a friend of my cousin's house) Instead we went to a local restaurant and ate lunch with the full intent on swinging by the reception once we left my mom.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 806/15/2013

In the meantime, my mom is having fits because it will "look bad" not to include the rest of the family (that even she doesn't talk to) in the obituary. Not to mention that she thinks my cousin slighted her church by not agreeing to have the service there. She's on and on about "her sister's wishes...." Prior to all of this....at some point in time, my aunt had given my mom her wedding rings to keep. To hear my mom tell it; it was because she didn't want my cousins partner wearing them. My cousin insists that her mom told her that she could have the wedding rings. My mom is stalling my cousin about the rings and sending me texts saying that she has already found a buyer for her house and that they're driving her car...What did she expect? The woman is dead and her only heir is her lesbian daughter who has a longtime partner. The texts from my mom get increasing bitter and my cousin is giving her hell about the whole situation. In one conversation, she even brings up me and my partner and questions what she would do in that situation.....silence from my mom. So my partner and I get up Friday morning and drive the three hours to pay our respects. We arrive right on time and take our seats for what is sure to be fireworks. And who walks in to sit in the rear of the funeral home? The pastor who refused my cousin the use of his church for the service and the original pastor who knew about the molestation. They take their seats along side the pious aunts who apparently condone fucking little girls. Unbeknownst to me...my mother had spoken with the funeral director and arranged to have the rings placed in the casket of her sister prior to them closing it. We make the long procession to the graveyard and stand in the heat for the final words before everyone adjourns. (My mom had previously told me that we WOULD NOT be attending the reception at a friend of my cousin's house) Instead we went to a local restaurant and ate lunch with the full intent on swinging by the reception once we left my mom. So....my mom gets in my sisters car and basically tries to drag me into the whole mess by telling me that I better not cross her. Essentially, that I should not choose my cousin's side. I was noncommital about the whole thing but was shocked that she would say that. We made a beeline for the reception where I got the other side from my cousin who I believe more than my mom at this point. I think my cousin and my mom both made judgment errors but ultimately...my mother should have been the bigger person and just given my cousin the rings and called it a day. Regardless of what her sister's wishes were. For all we know, my aunt told them both different things. Who knows? So my mom is thinking she has the last word in all of this and she's satisfied....Until my cousin calls the funeral home who proceed to head back out to the cemetery and pull the casket back up and remove the rings from my aunts fingers to give to her. The clincher is that she texted a pic of the rings to my mom afterwards and accused her of being just a petty, mean and hateful as the rest of her sisters. To which my mom promptly deleted her contact information from her phone. Not before calling me and telling me that if I had anything more to do with my cousin that I would not be welcome in her home.....!!!!!

You can't make this shit up....I've attached the picture of the rings that my cousin sent my mom...

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 906/15/2013

I'm sure it's a fine story, R9.

Learn to paragraph and maybe people will read it.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1006/15/2013

In the meantime, my mom is having fits because it will "look bad" not to include the rest of the family (that even she doesn't talk to) in the obituary. Not to mention that she thinks my cousin slighted her church by not agreeing to have the service there. She's on and on about "her sister's wishes...."

Prior to all of this....at some point in time, my aunt had given my mom her wedding rings to keep. To hear my mom tell it; it was because she didn't want my cousins partner wearing them. My cousin insists that her mom told her that she could have the wedding rings. My mom is stalling my cousin about the rings and sending me texts saying that she has already found a buyer for her house and that they're driving her car...What did she expect? The woman is dead and her only heir is her lesbian daughter who has a longtime partner. The texts from my mom get increasing bitter and my cousin is giving her hell about the whole situation. In one conversation, she even brings up me and my partner and questions what she would do in that situation.....silence from my mom.

So my partner and I get up Friday morning and drive the three hours to pay our respects. We arrive right on time and take our seats for what is sure to be fireworks. And who walks in to sit in the rear of the funeral home? The pastor who refused my cousin the use of his church for the service and the original pastor who knew about the molestation. They take their seats along side the pious aunts who apparently condone fucking little girls.

Unbeknownst to me...my mother had spoken with the funeral director and arranged to have the rings placed in the casket of her sister prior to them closing it. We make the long procession to the graveyard and stand in the heat for the final words before everyone adjourns. (My mom had previously told me that we WOULD NOT be attending the reception at a friend of my cousin's.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1106/15/2013

house) Instead we went to a local restaurant and ate lunch with the full intent on swinging by the reception once we left my mom.

So....my mom gets in my sisters car and basically tries to drag me into the whole mess by telling me that I better not cross her. Essentially, that I should not choose my cousin's side. I was noncommital about the whole thing but was shocked that she would say that. We made a beeline for the reception where I got the other side from my cousin who I believe more than my mom at this point. I think my cousin and my mom both made judgment errors but ultimately...my mother should have been the bigger person and just given my cousin the rings and called it a day. Regardless of what her sister's wishes were. For all we know, my aunt told them both different things. Who knows?

So my mom is thinking she has the last word in all of this and she's satisfied....Until my cousin calls the funeral home who proceed to head back out to the cemetery and pull the casket back up and remove the rings from my aunts fingers to give to her. The clincher is that she texted a pic of the rings to my mom afterwards and accused her of being just a petty, mean and hateful as the rest of her sisters. To which my mom promptly deleted her contact information from her phone. Not before calling me and telling me that if I had anything more to do with my cousin that I would not be welcome in her home.....!!!!!

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1206/15/2013

Outside of the family drama that I refuse to get involved in...things are fine. My current job sucks but at least it's easy has some sort of job security but still...

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1306/15/2013

too fucking long, didn't read.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1406/15/2013

Sorry for the length. I just couldn't shorten all the bullshit that happened. Thanks again to FOB for starting the thread.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1506/15/2013

When my great aunt died, her niece, my mother's sister-in-law Evelyn, went into my great aunt Minnie's bedroom and stole her dress shoes and wore them to great Aunt's funeral.

When Uncle Lou asked her where she got those shoes, cause they looked like Minnie's shoes, Evelyn denied they were Minnie's and said they were her own shoes, even though they were three sizes too big.

Uncle Lou, who was drunk at the time, called her out for a liar and a thief, and accused her of stealing. This all happened at the cemetery. He told the funeral director not to give Evelyn a ride back to the house and was all spiteful over a pair of shoes.

Evelyn said she didn't need to ride with some one who had no respect for his kin, and she said she'd walk to the Cemetery office and get a cab. But then she got lost in the maze of the cemetery, and was never found again. At least, she didn't come back to the church for the after party.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1606/15/2013

At the wake, my bitch of an aunt asked if she could have my mom's clothes. Before she died, my mom told me not to give her a thing because she sells everything. She wanted her clothes to go to charity.

I didn't say anything but the death glare I gave the old bitch threw her into a hissy fit and she refused to attend the funeral.

I have to say, all of the elders in the family behaved very badly. They sat in a corner pointing and whispering at everyone as they came in. And they hogged up all of the seats in the front row at the wake so I had to sit on the side.

I wish them all well but I haven't spoken to a single one since the funeral. And I'm fine with that.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1706/15/2013

Sorry, but your cousin is a cunt. She should have been grateful to your mother for taking care of her mother when she couldn't be bothered, instead of playing games with her.

Taking the rings from the coffin and making sure your mother knew is the final proof of cuntiness.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1806/15/2013

My mom was a devout Christian in spite of the fact that she was raised Jewish. She went to a bible thumping church in Florida and it was her wish to have her memorial service there. I have two siblings. My sister is the only one who's Christian. My brother is atheist and is gay and has been partnered for a long time. I'm not religious...more spiritual than anything. I like to meditate and I have my own personal theories but I don't proclaim to know what the point of this life is and I certainly don't force my theories onto others. I'm also bisexual and my mom knew this. She accepted all three of us in spite of the fact that we didn't exactly fall in line with her Christian values.

At her memorial, the preacher hijacked the service, started going into a fire and brimstone sermon about how those in attendance who hadn't accepted Jesus and how they were going to burn in hell. The preacher tried to emotionally blackmail those of us nonChristians by saying that my mom was rejoicing with Jesus and we would never join them My brother and his partner walked out. I stayed until the preacher invited people up to the pulpit to accept Jesus. I got up as if I was going to go to the pulpit, but turned around and walked out. A couple of friends of mine who came to support me also walked out.

I have always had issues with fundamental Christians. They actually did something similar at my father's funeral almost four years earlier. And then there's the debacle that was my nephew's memorial--my bible thumping sister's son who I suspected for many years was gay and who committed suicide. He was only 23.

At his funeral, my sister's went into a diatribe about how her son's problems started when he got away from Jesus. She then showed all the funeral attendee's a tshirt that my nephew wore when he was a kid that said "Jesus Is My Hero". She proceeded to go into how much her son loved Jesus as a child and how his depression got worse as he lost his faith. Incidentally, that tshirt was from when my nephew was 8 years old. My sister then proceeded to raise her arms up in the air for a long time as she stared at the ceiling. Not sure exactly what she was doing but it looked to me like she was putting on a show.

My nephew had rejected Christianity and religion and my sister made a mockery of his funeral. After the service, I found out through people who were close to my nephew that he was indeed struggling with his sexuality. To this day my sister refuses to believe any of it and has even accused these people of slander.

This is the last funeral of my family's that I will ever attend. Fortunately, I live on the other side of the country but I have no intention of ever going back to Florida again. Religion has ruined every family funeral that I've ever attended. Never again.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 1906/15/2013

1) During my Mother's Jewish funeral, her friend got up and thanked my Mom for bequeathing her her Ouija Board. She then said that she would do everything possible to contact my Mom and report back to all of us. Half of the attendees cracked up laughing, the other half went into shock.

My boyfriend and I rolled our eyes. He was kind enough to be dragged to the funeral, so that I didn't have to sit behind the curtain with my 4 older sisters I try to avoid. They're too nuts.

2) After the funeral, everyone went to my Mom's old house. One sister kept telling everyone that she had spent hours cleaning up the house the night before, because it was too dirty for company.

Guess what they served the guests? Cookies that my Mother had made who knows how many months or years ago, that had been frozen and placed in the freezer. Did I say that I was with my very kind boyfriend, and had a perfect excuse to skip the entire post funeral reception? Guess who has never been to a family event of any kind since then.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2006/15/2013

TLDR

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2106/15/2013

Okay, I have to say that my experience involved Superman, which is unfortunate because of the current Superman trolling taking place on the board. I thought of changing it so that it involved Spideman or Batman but, to be honest, if it were anyone but Superman, it would lose a certain essence. So, rest assured, this story would be the same if there weren't a current Superman movie.

I was visiting relatives about ten years ago in the UK when a friend of my uncle's passed away. I ended up attending the funeral.

The guy was a wealthy eccentric guy. The burial was in a "green" cemetery, where people are buried in corrugated cardboard caskets so that their bodies decompose quickly.

The burial was awful. It was pouring rain.

But then there was this bright spot--the guy's coffin had the picture of a flying Superman on the top! It was like something right out of DC Comics.

The grave was downhill from where the Hearse had parked, so the pall-bearers had quite a chore walking down the wet-grass-covered hill in the rain. And then, one or two of them fell.

That wasn't a disaster, but it might have taken too long for them to recover. They managed to compose themselves and get the coffin back into their hands. Many of us decided to watch the proceedings from uphill. Some other attendees decided to venture down the hill, though some of them ended up on their asses.

I kind of envy those who made it all the way down the hill. The rain worked its magic on the cardboard box, and, while the pastor was doing his thing, the bottom tore open and the body fell out...clad in blue with red briefs and a red cape. (Keep in mind that dead guy was in his 80s.)

Chaos ensued. There was a big scramble that ended up with the body being put back in the box. They were rushing to get the box into the ground, but they suddenly stopped. The funeral came to an abrupt stop. A few minutes later, the cops showed up and we were dismissed.

So I can't help but think that Monty Python's Flying Circus was not a comedy show so much as a documentary.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2206/15/2013

I was arrested at the funeral of an acquaintance. I found out she was so cheap that she wouldn't pay the $18 a year to start her own threads, and I beat her to a pulp with her $450 cell phone and showed one of her $250 shoes up her twat. An overreaction, I know, but I never even thought about my fingerprints being on things.

Talk about drama! Thank GOD for the insanity plea.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2306/16/2013

A friend of mine's grandfather died and they planned on putting him in one of those above the ground mausoleum vaults. The building the vault was in was not completed by the time of his funeral so they put him in a temporary one until his was ready a few months later. On the day they transferred him from the one vault to the other the family was in attendance. Apparently a leak had developed in his first vault causing his coffin to rot and as they were removing it, the coffin fell apart and gramps came tumbling out. "And there was my grandfather", said my friend, "and the red plaid sports jacket he was buried in."

Silently in my brain two thoughts occurred at the same exact time. One was, a red plaid sports jacket? God, most people would not want to be caught dead wearing something like that and this poor soul was! The second was I thought dead men dont wear plaid.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2406/16/2013

Butterbean's story reminds me of why I can't stand Southern women. They can't live without a mortal enemy.

I love the picture of the rings, fresh off a dead woman's finger.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2506/16/2013

[quote]I love the picture of the rings, fresh off a dead woman's finger.

A sentimental gesture from a loving daughter, no doubt. Will she give them to her gf, or has she already sold them?

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2606/16/2013

At my aunt's funeral, in the middle of her long suffering daughter's dramatic breakdown/eulogy - sobbing and twisting, at the podium - - another aunt's cellphone went off. Loudly. Her ringtone was some bizarre baby's giggle.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2706/16/2013

In 1946 Tom Vassey created a radio station in Carrollton, Georgia. Deciding on call letters, because of his fondness for the veggie he chose WLBB for We Love Butter Beans. Still on-the-air at 1330AM.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2806/16/2013

R4 Hot,and let me add that I was able to fuck my cousin at our grandfathers wake. Big ridiculous Italian circus, wailing, rosaries clutched, old Sicilian ladies grabbing their heaving bosoms...the whole 9 yards. Me and Gino(real name) adjoined to a quiet room so that I could ride his huge Italian cock. The person who sprays the rooms with that perfume to mask any funereal odors caught us but I rode that tower of Pisa to climax. Rest in peace grandpa Salvatore, rest in peace.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 2906/16/2013

My sister moved into my parents home to take care of my mother and father while my mother was dying of multiple myeloma cancer. The funeral was nothing dramatic. A few days later my father, sister, and I got home from the probate lawyer. My Aunt Lois' car was in the driveway. No big deal--she lived two blocks over and visited a lot. We get into the house and there she is with her daughter, boxes packed with clothes, plates, jewelry, pictures--almost anything except cereal boxes. "Your mother would want these things kept in the family." That was her explanation. I'm not talking about ancient family heirlooms, I'm talking about my mother's pearls, her mink, things like that. My father just stood there in kinda shock. My sister told her to get out. "We ARE family!" Never spoke to them again.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3006/16/2013

My wild, 28 yr. old cousin was killed in a tragic car accident. He was a drunk driver who came by his alcoholism honestly. At the funeral, as the hymn was being sung, his father, my drunk uncle, let loose with a loud, horrendous, long fart that sort of puttered to a stop. Unforgettable.

The entire congregation of about 100 people fell out laughing. It was wonderful comic relief in what had been, until then, a fairly sad occasion. Of course my aunt smacking him in the face, and shouting, "Sober up, you filthy pig!" at just the right moment certainly helped lighten things up. Great timing all around.

haven't seen them in a while.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3106/16/2013

When grandmother died, the next door neighbor who was friendly to her, agreed to watch the house while we were all busy at the funeral home, etc.

She stole all my grandmother's jewelry. All of it. Watch, rings, pearls, jade, precious stones, Granny had a wonderful collection. Neighbor denied it, and said maybe it happened when she "went to the store." She claimed she was sorry maybe she forgot to lock the door.

My mother and her sisters decided not to prosecute. Instead, my oldest aunt, after a week or so had passed, told the neighbor she had a very peculiar dream. She said her mother had "visited" her from the dead, and she wanted her jewelry.

In the dream, my aunt went out to the backyard to look for it, and found it buried in a plastic supermarket bag next to Grandma's favorite rose bushes.

She told the neighbor Granny frightened her and said she would not rest until those jewels were returned. The neighbor, in her 50's, sat there and was extremely nervous.

My aunt really worked it. Said she was afraid to go to sleep at night because Granny seemed so real in the dream and granny was very angry. She said that she was going to go back in the yard the coming weekend to look around.

You guessed it. The jewelry was there, in a plastic supermarket bag, hidden in a shallow grave next to the rose bushes. Most of it was there, except for a couple of rings and a broach.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3206/16/2013

I'll let you guys know...

I'm attending a funeral tomorrow for Brandon Routh's hopes and dreams.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3306/16/2013

My cousin died of cancer after a period of unbelievable suffering.

Somehow, the funeral-home didn't get the message that it was to be closed coffin - he was literally decomposing as we watched...

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3406/16/2013

Re: 29...you are so right about southern women needing a mortal enemy. I never thought about it like that.

I agree it was a shitty thing to send my mom the pictures of the rings. I had hoped that she would just act like nothing happened. The more I think about it, the more I'm convinced that my aunt told my mom and her daughter different things. In the end, my mom should have just given her the rings and been the bigger person but that's not her way. She's always been a bit of a martyr.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3506/16/2013

My father died when I was 13 and he was 30. In that time I only met him twice and his family hadn't seen me since I was a baby. So I really didn't feel much emotion other than discomfort when his family members would see me and come unglued bawling because we looked so much alike.

In my mom's family we have an inside joke about my great-grandmother who, whenever we were at church or any sort of boring function, would always start off by digging in her purse and then offering everyone mints...

So me, my mother, and my teenage aunt were at the service and the first thing my aunt does is fish some mints out of her purse and says to me in an old lady voice, "want a mint?" I let out a faint whimper of a snicker and my mom's head twists around towards me and she gives me "The Look." I withdrew my snicker and put on my contrite face.

Then this old, ollllllld lady who looked just like the fat, beehived, cat-eye glassed lady from the old Far Side cartoon gets up to sing. Rumor has it that she was once a popular opera singer. So this dame starts warbling "How Great Thou Art" in a grand operatic style. At that moment it was the funniest thing I'd ever seen. I chuckled. My mother reaches over and grabs my arm and starts pinching me HARD.

We made it through the whole thing without further hilarity but, man, it was tough.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3606/16/2013

tl; dr

There's certainly enough content for a CW series though...

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3706/16/2013

This young lady sings Mary J. Blige's "Seven Days" to her dead paramour at his funeral a cappella, detailing all the ways they made sweet sweet love, until a large woman simply comes up and takes the microphone away having had more than enough of that shit.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3806/16/2013

Recently attended the funeral of a childhood friend whose family was close to mine. He was married and had been going through some problems with his estranged wife when he was found dead with a gun wound to his chest.

He lived in a shady part of town so the wife is not a suspect. Although, early after his murder it was suspected that it was a hired hit since he was only shot at his home, nothing was stolen, so it was a robbery.

At the funeral burial I and others from the old neighbourhood was there while he was being buried.

As the coffin was being lowered in the ground the wife started reacting wildly, saying "You said you'd never leave meeeeeeeeeeeee..." "They (whoever shot him) will PAY..." at that moment, one woman rolled her eyes because the wife was doing this public display and no one was taking her on, even the man's mother was being very stoic and wasn't even crying. I heard two women began to laugh, obviously at the wife.

Then suddenly the wife fainted, still people didn't take her on, except for 2 of her friends. People looked, then turned back to the burial. The two women started laughing more audibly. Then people took a casual stance at the burial grounds.

I think I heard two women from the former neighbourhood talking and laughing at the priest who officiated the funeral and burial as he was talking to the teenage brother of the deceased, by saying the priest is trying to pick up the young boy. Then they teased an obviously gay guy from the old neighbourhood about the priest bypassing him for the younger brother. Then the gay guy had some sassy things to say in retort. Then the gay guy came up to me and asked why I havent responded to his Facebook messages, obviously looking for me to fuck him...

Sigh, it wasnt some grand dramatic display going on but all this activity made it a funeral drama story that I experienced recently

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 3906/16/2013

My friend Gary's Uncle Charlie died about two weeks after Gary's wedding to Marianne. They had moved to the other side of the Hudson and came back to town in NJ for the wake. Gary and Marianne go into the funeral home and it's jammed packed to the rafters so he can't see his parents or brothers. The couple moves toward the front where Maryanne kneels down on the kneeler by the casket. Just as Gary begins to kneel down, his bride turns to him and says, "Your Uncle Charlie seems to be wearing a dress."

"Ohmigod, that's not Uncle Charlie," whispers Gary. "We must be at the wrong funeral home." They get up, work their way to the door, rush to their car and drive across town to the other funeral business.

While walking toward the entrance, Marianne, begins to giggle and makes a comment about Uncle Charlie's lovely blue dress. Gary totally breaks up laughing and soon she's holding on because she's laughing so hard she can barely walk, so they leave the entrance sidewalk and go around to the side of the funeral home to get serious and composed. Thinking they've got it together, they start toward the entrance again but Gary gives out a loud guffaw, and they're in laughing hysteria again.

It took them about 20 minutes to get calm enough to get in. Gary's mother rushes over and says, "Why are you late? Where the hell have you been?" Gary pulls out a handkerchief and starts laughing into it but his mother things he's sobbing. Marianne grabs some Kleenex and is laughing into those so everyone thinks Gary and his new bride are totally broken up over the death of Uncle Charlie.

They waited about a month before telling Gary's mother about her brother's blue dress.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4006/17/2013

Some of these are hilarious. The superman outfit, the fart, the 'fat, beehived, cat-eye glassed lady from the old Far Side cartoon' reference ...

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4106/17/2013

A little song, a little dance, a little seltzer down your pants....

In my family, it was customary for at least one person to throw herself into the grave with the casket, so that didn't really qualify as drama, although the jockeying for position sometimes got a little rough.

In 1987, a high school classmate's (paid) obituary appeared in the NYTimes, mentioning that the funeral would take place at Riverside Chapel that morning. No big surprise, since the Jews tend to bury the dead within 24 hours, unless the death falls within certain exceptions (for example, they don't bury on Saturdays). I immediately called another classmate, Ted (ne Teddy), and asked if he wanted to go to the funeral with me.

We showed up at Riverside at 11, and followed the crowd up to a large room. A man at the door was handing out yarmulkes to every man who wasn't already wearing one -- or a hat. He asked as we entered, "Este ra boy?" We assumed that that was Yiddish for "Is it the boy?" So we both nodded, took yarmulkes and found two seats together.

I should backtrack a little and mention that the dead classmate had always been an exceptionally e-ffeminate kid, whom everyone in the school teased until our own closet doors started slamming shut. (Not so tightly that the faculty didn't pry them open to abuse us.) Despite our mothers' assurances that his behavior wasn't indicative of anything, he was indeed gay as a goose. Ted and I were masculinely gay. So with that history, you'll understand our amusement, when the first speaker began with the words, "We are here to honor a great lady...." We elbowed each other in the ribs and tried to suppress giggles. But it became apparent that we were at the wrong funeral, that of one "Esther Raboy."

We were, alas, in the middle of a row of seats, but we decided to leave anyway, to find the right funeral. But the Times had apparently been in error; the guy was dead, but we couldn't ascertain when the funeral would be. We had a great lunch on Columbus Avenue, and agreed that we had "to do this more often." Unfortunately, about a year later I was back at Riverside for Teddy's funeral. Fewer laughs. His mother collapsed upon seeing me, because I'd known him since we were five.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4206/17/2013

I attended the funeral for a cousin who was killed in a car accident. At the viewing there was the usual displays of flowers and photos for family and friends to view, yet one arrangement stood out from the rest. My cousin, who was happily married w/3 kids, was friends w/the only out gay man in this small western Oklahoma town. He had sent a flower arrangement wreath w/a photo of my cousin and him that said in a pink sash across the wreath "Lisa & Dustin, Soulmates Forever." It was odd, since it wasn't like they were friends for all that long, maybe 6 years if that. My cousin's husband didn't really say much about that arrangement, to him it was what it was, it was insignificant compared to burying his wife that day. My late cousins mother/my aunt had something else to say about it though, and went up to that arrangement and ripped that sash right off that wreath and broke down. It was a sight to behold. Dustin, just looked in shock at what transpired.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4306/17/2013

R43, you should mentioned Lisa's name at the beginning of the tale to make it a little clearer. And I bet you can become soul mates in a short amount of time. They must have had a lot of laughs and tears together, talking about their men!

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4406/17/2013

A relative attended a friend's service in Manhattan. Leaving the funeral home, she was directed to the limo. She didn't recognize other passengers. Since everyone seemed to be mourning she didn't start a conversation. It wasn't until they were on the Long Island Expressway did she realize it was the wrong limo. He friend was being buried in Brooklyn. Hours later she returned to the funeral home after attending the burial of someone she didn't know at Calverton Cemetery.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4506/17/2013

Once on DL I read a funny post about Diana Ross' behavior at Mary Wilson's funeral or something. Fucking hilarious.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4606/17/2013

My best friend fell on top of his mother's casket, sobbing, mama, mama. Straight out of Imitation of Life. He and mama were not that close, and she had a problem with him being gay

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4706/17/2013

The batshit crazy violent wife of a wimpy male relative went ballistic on another relative because she was pissed that her husband hadn't asked the the relative for gas money when he did him a favor driving him somewhere.

How the argument started, no one seems to remember. Except that the wife was really over the top to bring up such bullshit at a wake.

This woman is obsessed with money, she doesn't believe her husband should be helping any relative, or friend, without getting paid for it, it doesn't matter how minor that help is, she feels he should get "hundreds" for even the little things he does! He's a great guy, who unfortunately married a severely mentally ill woman.

The crazy wife and the relative got so loud, the funeral director threw out the wife! The funeral director couldn't throw out the relative she was screaming at, it was his father in the coffin!

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4806/17/2013

Dear fuckwad at R46, I realize Diane has wanted me dead for quite a while, but you are going to experience a premature burial yourself if you go around telling people I am dead. With no looks and no voice left, it's hard enough for me to keep working, asshole.

Got it, phony pretender to knowledge?

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 4906/17/2013

I hadn't seen my oldest, favorite cousin in years. He'd become something if a hermit, not attending family parties or weddings. When my grandmother died, I was so happy to see him at the wake. He came with two friends who were quiet and solemn. His car had broken down and his work buddies were kind enough to drive him to the funeral home.

At the end of the wake, I asked if he was coming to my aunts house with everyone and he said no, he was grateful enough that his friends had driven him to the funeral home. I said "You can come in my mom's car with us. She'lldrive you home afterwards." but he begged off saying they'd all had a long day. I made a joke about his job -- he was a private garbage collector at the time -- to him and his friends about how lucky they were to have work in the recession, "plus all you can eat!" they didn't think it was funny. I was only 19 years old.

Years later, my youngest cousin got arrested and sent to jail in another state. His brothers and sisters all went to visit him occasionally, except my oldest cousin. He said every time he applied for permission to see his brother, the jail lost his paperwork. It was just too weird. Why did they keep losing only his paperwork and nobody else's? That's when it finally hit me. My oldest cousin had been in jail at the time of my grandmother's funeral and his two "friends" were prison escorts.

My aunt had too fucking many kids. Her husband was a drunk and she worked 3 jobs... not so much to support her kids as to get out of the house.Her kids were left to raise themselves. No wonder they got in trouble.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5006/17/2013

R44, Dustin and Lisa weren't as close as Dustin made them out to be, that's what was so strange. I think it was just one of those things where we in times like these we think of close connections to old friends much closer than it actually is. At the time my cousin Lisa and her family had moved a few states away, so she had not seen Dustin in at least 2 years. My aunt had her brought back to the town she was born and raised in to be buried. It is a small town in western Oklahoma, and Dustin was too busy getting the high school boys drunk so he could scam on them and do whatever. Even now Dustin tries to visit my cousins husband and her college age son and get into their pants. I know this b/c I have seen Dustin and he told me how much they both want him, but it would be strange... Anyways, my point was the spectacle of my aunt going crazy over that arrangement at her daughter's funeral.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5106/18/2013

Dustin sounds odd.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5206/18/2013

Not a funeral, but a ceremony and a very long one at that, I got the chuckles and couldn't stop laughing at a national prize thing when I was 17. It lasted for about two hours of names being called on stage, and when mine was called I just found the whole thing ludicrous and laughed all the way to the stage.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5306/18/2013

[quote] I think it was just one of those things where we in times like these we think of close connections to old friends much closer than it actually is.

This has to be the same idiot who is starting illiterate threads all over the board like the "friend with HIV thread".

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5406/18/2013

Not really a drama story but my brother and I attended the funeral service for a former childhood neighbor we barely remembered since our parents lived too far away and insisted we go in their place. The man had been friendly with our parents when my brother and I were little but our families had drifted apart after we'd moved away a zillion years ago. We didn't know anyone at the funeral except his now adult (and obviously redneck) children but we hadn't seen them in ages, either, and didn't know them anymore. We signed the guestbook and sat down, planning to reintroduce ourselves to the family after the service and say something nice. The service dragged on and on then, in an admittedly sweet gesture to her dearly departed grandfather, a mildly retarded twenty-something year-old granddaughter stood up and proceeded to screech out some country song he liked - and she was dreadful. Warbling in and out of every octave, she finished the service by staring at and singing to his dead body as he lay in his open casket. Physically shaking from holding in our laughter, it was all we could do not to burst out laughing. It all finally ended and we ran out the door without talking to anyone, collapsing in laughter the minute we were outside. I'm sure people thought we were just awful.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5506/19/2013

I feel your pain, R55. I attended a wedding where the newly proclaimed husband and wife serenaded each other poorly at the altar. A lovely service turned into a bad operetta. My friend and I held each other's hands tightly and wept silently in a desperate effort to not burst out laughing. We were bent double with gales of laughter as soon as we could get out of earshot of the wedding party.

My great-uncle Fred was the funniest man I ever knew. The minister at his funeral had clearly never met Fred and he bungled the service repeatedly. I half expected my great-uncle to sit up in his open casket, stick the tip of his thumb to his nose and waggle his fingers at the feckless man-of-the-cloth.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5606/19/2013

[quote]Not a funeral, but a ceremony and a very long one at that

Not an anecdote either, R53.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5706/19/2013

And a long one at that.

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5806/19/2013

Remember the first scene of "La Buche"? It is a graveside service. As the coffin is lowered into the ground, a cell phone starts to ring. Embarrassed (not to say "mortified"), all of the mourners start rummaging through their pockets and purses, to reassure themselves that it is not theirs. Simultaneously they realize, and all eyes turn to the descending casket, the source of the ringing.

"It's his first wife," the widow confides to her daughter. "Didn't you tell her?" asks the girl? "She'll figure it out when his battery dies."

by FOB (Friend of Butterbean)reply 5906/19/2013
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