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Would someone please write "Mommie Dearest: The Musical" already?

I can see the sultry mid-Act One ballad now: "I Can Handle The Socks."

by Barbara Bennettreply 2706/18/2013




by Barbara Bennettreply 106/15/2013

TINAAA!! Bring me the libretto!

by Barbara Bennettreply 206/15/2013

The opening number:

"Box Office Poison" - Newsies style, with dancing theater employees and concession workers.

by Barbara Bennettreply 306/15/2013

I feel like in the middle of some awful dream!

by Barbara Bennettreply 406/15/2013

Barbara, please? Please, Barbara!

by Barbara Bennettreply 506/15/2013

"If Mama Got Married" Christina and Christopher

by Barbara Bennettreply 606/15/2013

The rousing opening number "We're ready for you, Miss Crawford" is sung by the chorus:

It leads up to the entrance of the star who ends the number by saying a cheerful, jazzy, emphatic "Let's go!!"

by Barbara Bennettreply 706/15/2013

The casting of Mommie Deatest - plot line for season 3 of Smash! Ivy vs Karen! Who will win the coveted role?

by Barbara Bennettreply 806/15/2013

Possible numbers:

"The Rose Garden" (melancholic, mid-tempo with strings)

"Miss Jenkins" (upbeat number, brassy)

"Scrub, Christina!" (instrumental break, heavy on the strings)

"Easy on the Scotch" (ballad - Ted's solo number, bluesy)

"Smart-Aleck Back Talk" (solo number for Christina, torch song-y)

"Chadwick's (Under Reaction)" (dramatic instrumental, angry horns)

"Barbara, Please!" (big-band show stopper for Joan, signature song of the show)

"Pally" (sweet, understated solo for Joan, woodwinds)

"The Rodeo Song" (saucy, angry, very percussive)

"The Last Word" (closing number, cathartic with strings and horns)

by Barbara Bennettreply 906/15/2013

Joan really sells her third act number:

"QUITTER!! Now go clean the shitter."

by Barbara Bennettreply 1006/15/2013

After Joan reams Mrs. Chadwick, the school marm glares back at Joan and sings the number 'I've Never Been To Me':

Hey lady, you, lady, cursin' at your life

You're a discontented mother and

On screen you look like Barney Fife...

by Barbara Bennettreply 1106/15/2013

The first act closer should have Joan standing on the staircase, clad in her silver gown and clutching a plate of congealed steak. Her ballad should be directed to the steak, then the audience. Steak, audience, steak, audience.

by Barbara Bennettreply 1206/15/2013

"Teenage Bordello" - Christina and the Chadwick Sluts

by Barbara Bennettreply 1306/15/2013

R9 - how could you NOT include the signature show stopper?

"No More Wire Hangers"

by Barbara Bennettreply 1406/15/2013


"Let's Go"-upbeat production number on the set with the ice skaters and crew waiting. Joan appears for the last lyric- and sings "Let's Go".

"A Child Of My Own"- Joan's plea to Greg to help her adopt.

"I Can Handle The Socks"-Love duet with Joan and Greg.

"This Is The Best Party"- Little Cristina and guests sing to Joan about her birthday party and gifts.

"Don't Be A Quitter"- Joan sings to Cristina of the disadvantages she had as a child.

"Eat The Meat"- Joan and Carol Ann try to convince Cristina to eat her rare steak in a comedy patter song.

"I Wanted You To Mean It"-Joan's sad ballad after she beats the crap out of Cristina.

"She Won!"-production number with her fans outside her door after hearing she won an Oscar.

"Hollywood Royalty"- defiant ballad for Joan after she is fired from MGM.

"Box Office Poison"-Act 1 closer a la And Eve Was Weak from Carrie.


"A Lovely Night At Chassens"=Patrons at the restaurant sing of their love of their favorite hangout.

"It's For Your Own Good"- Joan and Cristina sing before she is sent away to boarding school.

"He Calls Me Palley" Joan and Al sing of their plans for marriage in waltz tempo.

"The Boys And The Booze"/"Thats A Lie"- Joan mocks Cristina then Cristina defies Joan with Barbara and Carol Ann in a counterpoint trio.

"Tear Down That Bitch of a Bearing Wall"- big production number with Joan and the construction workers using tools as props in a number like One Of The Boys from Woman Of The Year.

"Not A Dime"- Angry ballad for Joan after Cristina asks her for some money.

"He Calls Me Palley" reprise-Joan sings after Al's death.

"Can She Do It?"-production number patter song on the set of the Soap Opera.

"Take These Pearls"- Joan gifts Cristina in a short 1 verse song.

"I Did The Best I Knew How"-Joan's final ballad on her death bed.

"She Always Had The Final Word" Cristina Christopher, and the mourners.

Bows-To "A Lovely Night At Chassens" "I Did The Best...." for Joan's star bow.

Exit Music-"She Won"

by Barbara Bennettreply 1506/15/2013

"Bigger, Stronger, Faster", a rousing crowd pleasing number sung by Joan to a sulky Christina after she loses the swimming race. Speedo clad pool boys join Joan in the can-can at the number's finale.

by Barbara Bennettreply 1606/16/2013

Is Miss Helen Lawson too... "mature" for the lead?

by Barbara Bennettreply 1706/16/2013

Love you, R15, would so see that.

It does need some fresh blood so I'd suggest a tango with Trog as well. The song would be her version of "There are worse things I could do..."

by Barbara Bennettreply 1806/16/2013

LOL @ "Eat the Meat" - sounds like a classic!

by Barbara Bennettreply 1906/16/2013

Patti Lupone! Your next Tony awaits!

by Barbara Bennettreply 2006/16/2013

This part is MINE.

by Barbara Bennettreply 2106/16/2013

""He Calls Me Palley" reprise-Joan sings after Al's death"

I love this! With the earlier fast tempo wistfully slowed down, I'm sure, as she gazes at his photograph

by Barbara Bennettreply 2206/16/2013

"She's Drunk" aka The Ballade of Carol Anne

"We'll Manage", Christina's spotlight solo

"Don't Fuck with Her, Fellas" a dance number with suits culminating with them carrying Joan to a Pepsi throne, wrapping her in an ermine cloak and handing her a scepter

by Barbara Bennettreply 2306/18/2013

I'm the woman the workforce calls

Mrs. Steele, 'cuz I've got balls

That clack together down Pepsi's halls

As I order torn down bearing walls.

It ain't the first time I went vo-vo-doh-de-oh.

You won't be showin' this fine hoe' de doe'

Al went quick but I'll be slow to go.

This ain't my first time at the rodeo!

by Barbara Bennettreply 2406/18/2013

Big Opening Dance Number: Mad At The Dirt! (Not Mad At You)

Punk style breakout hit: "No More Wire Hangers!"

by Barbara Bennettreply 2506/18/2013

Carol Ann's number should be called "She Means Well (And So Do I)" and it could be brought back late in the second act as "She Meant Well (And So Did I)"

Alternately Carol Ann could ask the musical question, "Why Do I Get So Much Older Than Everyone Else?"

by Barbara Bennettreply 2606/18/2013

I'd throw in a few dark numbers like:

"I'm not actin' Greg" - Joan begs Greg to stay, song ends with him closing the door and her singing to the door, throwing her glass of scotch and shattering it

Box OFfice Poison - Evil, scary big number where Louis B Mayer transforms into the devil and his minions all dance around Joan in hell like the Spooky Mormon Hell Dream in The Book of Mormon that ends with Joan in the yard yelling TIIINNAAAAA BRING ME THE AAAAXE!!!

Understand- solo Christina montage where she grows from a snotty brat kid to a teenager at Chadwick...several Christinas from age 8 to 15 or whatever she was all dance through the years with a spinning set like One Night Only in Dreamgirls

I am NOT. ONE. OF. YOUR. FANS. - dramatic, violently themed number where Christina finally stands up to Joan and floats to the ceiling wearing a giant cloak like the witch in Wicked

Thank you - poignant Oscar winning number, like Evita's Don't Cry for Me Argentina, which Joan sings in spotlight, wearing her bathrobe on her front stoop while silent press flash bulbs go off

They get nothing - Joan's ghost tears around the stage and sings about how Christina and Christopher get nothing

The Last Word - Christina and Christopher lead a huge chorus of people Joan has abused or wronged, with a hopeful epic big finale that ends with a huge portrait of Joan - the eyebrows one - behind the whole group.

Aaaand scene.

by Barbara Bennettreply 2706/18/2013
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