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Tell me why it is WRONG to be the enabler in a relationship where someone does drugs or drinks?

So the guy is an alcoholic. Or he is a junkie. Or he abuses both substances.

Who says life is perfect. We all have our issues.

At least I have someone, while not prefect. 80% is better than zero percent.

So what is so terrible about enabling someone's addiction. At least I have a life partner.


Don't hold back, I want to hear it. ALL OF IT!

by Anonymousreply 12106/16/2013

If you are enabling them by indulging behavior that is unmanageable and problematic for your partner, AND you can't figure out what is wrong with that, than you probably don't have much regard for your partner or care what happens to him or her.

by Anonymousreply 106/11/2013

I'm still holding out for a prefect partner.

by Anonymousreply 206/11/2013

[quote] 80% is better than zero percent


by Anonymousreply 306/11/2013

[quote]At least I have someone, while not prefect.

Unless he [italic]is[/italic] a prefect.

by Anonymousreply 406/11/2013

Yeah, but how long is that 80% going to last? It's going to diminish, and if your partner goes on a long bender, you'll be down to 0 in no time.

You both need help. It sounds like a very unhealthy relationship.

by Anonymousreply 506/11/2013

What R1 said.

Plus: you're settling. You know you're settling. So this is really about you not valuing yourself.

by Anonymousreply 606/11/2013

Enablers help addicts and alcoholics remain addicts and alcoholics. They help people destroy themselves. If the OP sees nothing wrong with THAT, then I feel very sorry for the poor junkie/drunk who is his "life partner." Due to his partner's enabling, he will no doubt die sooner than later.

by Anonymousreply 706/11/2013

R7 what are you suppose to do? Walk away? Kick the guy out on the street.

It hurts more to walk away, then to stay and just deal with it.

by Anonymousreply 806/11/2013

Are you the Heath Ledger Troll? The one who keeps bashing Michelle Williams for failing to enable his drug use?

by Anonymousreply 906/11/2013

You know you're an idiot, don't you, R10?

by Anonymousreply 1106/11/2013

R11, The truth hurts, doesn't it, Michelle?

by Anonymousreply 1206/11/2013

OP- what do you mean by enabling?

by Anonymousreply 1306/11/2013

R12 is not me, and damn this thread is going downhill fast.

by Anonymousreply 1406/11/2013

I understand OP, I have been with my boyfriend 5 years and can't imagine life without him but he is an alcoholic and I don't even drink alcohol. He can be so wonderful so I overlook his drinking.

by Anonymousreply 1506/11/2013

Been there.

Get out while you can. Several years back, I met a guy much younger (like 16 years) and very hot. Hey, he had a job, a car, an apartment. He was funny and intelligent. But he was in a tailspin, though I didn't know it at the time. Three months later, he lost his job and his apartment. I thought I'd try to help him get back on track but nothing doing. Turned into a two-year nightmare.

by Anonymousreply 1606/11/2013

R15, there's a difference between loving an alcoholic and enabling an alcoholic.

by Anonymousreply 1706/11/2013

It will get worse because he will get worse.

by Anonymousreply 1806/11/2013

Because your own life will become defined by his drinking/drugging no matter how hard you try to hang on to the "good" things.

The fact is you cannot have a relationship with someone who is addicted to alcohol or drugs. The substances will always come before you and whatever destruction they cause will affect you.

It's not a healthy way to live, but we all have choices in life. No one can tell you to "get out" of it. It's up to you.

by Anonymousreply 2006/11/2013

[quote] Is having a warm body passed out on the couch, truely better than being alone?

It is midnight and you are all alone. Man are you alone.

by Anonymousreply 2106/11/2013

[quote]So what is so terrible about enabling someone's addiction.

It's very dangerous, OP. People on drugs exercise poor judgment.

Abusing drugs is self-destructive. If you don't see the danger in being around a self-destructive person, then....well, you need serious help. That's Life 101.

[quote] At least I have a life partner.

Why so desperate?

And afraid...?

Look, I came out a long time ago. Life is meant to be lived in the open. Liberate yourself, and enjoy life while you can.

by Anonymousreply 2206/11/2013

People who stay in relationships with drunks and addicts usually have serious self-esteem issues. Many come from alcoholic or drug-impaired family backgrounds and fallen into the pattern of rescuing people.

Some are also depressed themselves and cannot see they are part of the problem. Or they have a control issue being played out.

You need to examine yourself in therapy to determine why you are staying in an unhealthy situation. You're never going to cure an addict or change them.

by Anonymousreply 2306/11/2013

So if I walk away, and he finds someone else willing to enable him?

What do I have?

by Anonymousreply 2406/11/2013

You have your life back and the ability to move on and find someone who can really love you. Not someone who is in-love with their self-destructive behavior and destroying themselves.

by Anonymousreply 2506/11/2013

Yes but he has moved on with someone else. They are happy and I'm alone

by Anonymousreply 2606/11/2013

The chance to be in a healthier relationship that isn't centered on booze or drugs, OP / R25.

by Anonymousreply 2706/11/2013

I understand once again r24. My boyfriend is very attractive, he has never had a problem finding a mate. I know when I leave him there will be somebody els and I don't know if I could handle that.

by Anonymousreply 2806/11/2013

OP, go put on your Victorian streetwalker dress and sing As Long as 'e Needs Me.

by Anonymousreply 2906/11/2013

But what about that other new person who is enabling his drinking.

He has him and I'm all alone.

by Anonymousreply 3006/11/2013

How do you know he'll find someone else after you walk away? And what makes you think he'll be happy? All addicts are deeply unhappy no matter who they're with because they are depressed and numbing their inner pain.

The question is why you are so afraid to be alone? When you're in a relationship with an addict, you ARE alone. Don't you think you deserve something better than that?

You are living your life in a fear-based mode, instead of being satisfied and happy with yourself.

by Anonymousreply 3106/11/2013

Exactly R15

I'm questioning this because not even 24 hours passed, before he is in a new relationship.

btw the guy dumped me because I don't drink.

I keep thinking about how happy this new coupling will be, the house they will buy, the anniversaries they will be celebrating, the vacations they will take.

All because I don't drink, and refused to hold his hand at the bar.

I'm questioning if I made the right decision.

The bottom line is that I'm all alone, dumped because I don't drink. And he has someone all ready to enable his drinking.

And they will probably celebrate 20 years together totally happy while I'm all alone.

by Anonymousreply 3206/11/2013

The new person that is enabling him doesn't "have him" - he has A BIG PROBLEM (him) that is going to get WORSE.

You are not "alone" - you would be FREE

He has already poisoned you in that you cannot see that.

by Anonymousreply 3306/11/2013

OP is not getting it. Thread closed.

by Anonymousreply 3406/11/2013

Right. And who do you think he found so quickly after you woke-up? Another addict probably....birds of a feather stick together.

If they survive to twenty years (which is highly unlikely), they'll be celebrating their many physical ailments from years of abuse or drinking/drugging it up until something gives out. What will you be doing?

Get some therapy and move on.

by Anonymousreply 3506/11/2013

But it just hurts so much that he has already found someone.

But I didn't really walk away. He is the one who dumped me because I couldn't drink with him.

He wasn't a mean drunk, or got rock bottom drunk. he was a happy drunk.

Maybe I over analyzed his drinking.

At least they are together and happy.

If he drinks a 2LTR bottle of wine in one sitting, is that a problem?

by Anonymousreply 3606/11/2013

[quote] And who do you think he found so quickly after you woke-up?

He found another enabler.

by Anonymousreply 3706/11/2013

Oh, then go back to him already, OP. And get the fuck out of here.

by Anonymousreply 3806/11/2013

"Happy" drunks don't stay happy.

by Anonymousreply 3906/11/2013

He did you a favor. And yes, drinking at 2 liter bottle of wine every night is hardly moderate.

Either way, addicts hate being with people who disapprove of their behavior. So, it was inevitable in your situation.

Mourn it, but you need to realize life goes on.

by Anonymousreply 4006/11/2013

R38 I can't go back to him because he LEFT ME cause I don't drink.

And he wants a partner that drinks!

by Anonymousreply 4106/11/2013

Then drink ya dumb hotel!

by Anonymousreply 4206/11/2013

So, what are you going to do, OP? Think about it and cry for the rest of your life?

Pick yourself up and get back to YOUR life.

by Anonymousreply 4306/11/2013

He may be 80 percent perfect now. And that 20 percent may be easy to overlook now.

But as time goes on, that 20 percent is going to take on a larger percentage of your thoughts and actions. Eventually, the situation will flip and you'll be saying he's only 20 percent perfect.

The fact that you're concerned about being alone is the most telling statement in this whole thread.

The loneliest time in my entire adult life was when I was involved with an alcoholic/addict. The more I tried to make the relationship work, the lonelier I got.

Turns out I was doing 95 percent of the work in the relationship. When I stopped putting the effort in, the relationship fell apart in a matter of weeks.

by Anonymousreply 4406/11/2013

You don't give a shit about the guy, OP, all you care and yap about is being in a relationship, any relationship and not "all alone!!!!", you're pathetic.

You never talked about love or appreciation for the guy, all you want apparently is a body next to you. Now you know what you do? You find anyone who isn't a fuckup who wants your ass for some reason and then you won't be ALL ALONE. Voila, problem solved.

You're an insecure, needy, zero self esteem nightmare. A great catch. The worst type of people someone could bump into.

by Anonymousreply 4506/11/2013

r20 and r23 are correct. Addicts always spiral downwards and acquire medical and financial issues eventually. I'm speaking from experience.

Was an alcoholic for decades, but was functional and earned a good income. My partner was an enabler and became a co-dependent.

He couldn't hold a job and has many other behavioral issues. But he got sober and I kept relapsing. We brought each other down. It became a toxic relationship that lasted 26 years. Broke up a year ago. So much pain and money wasted.

I was poisoning myself and my partner had two serious suicide attempts. We were in and out of the hospital constantly.

I'm sober now, too, but should have separated long ago.

Addiction and co-dependency are eventually very ugly. Get yourself to an Al-Anon meeting. Just give it a try. Even if you choose to stay with him, you could get some good tools to deal with the situation, which WILL get worse, unless he deals with his addictions and other psychological issues.

Good luck. You've been warned.

by Anonymousreply 4606/11/2013

OP, you are definitely better off without him. It's a blessing that he's gone, really. He was more into drinking than you, and people who are substance abusers are hell to deal with.

Do nice things for yourself, go to the movies, go the museum, go to the library, watch Netflix, go to plays, go to the opera, the world is YOUR oyster, go out and experience the great things that are out there.

One thing that totally helped me get over people - taking yoga classes at an ashram really cleared my head and also reading tons of zen buddhist stuff.

I could be wrong but the OP sounds like Javier, and Javi you can do this. Let go and move on.

by Anonymousreply 4706/11/2013

In reality, OP is mentally ill...and his boyfriend is turning to booze to help him cope with OP's "episodes."

Boyfriend feared downward spiral, and delicately extricated himself from OP's clutches.

OP blames it on the booze...but the booze was an effect, not the cause.

by Anonymousreply 4806/11/2013

OP? Start drinking. Problem solved!

by Anonymousreply 4906/11/2013

OP doesn't give a flying fig about his ex; what he cares about is not being alone.

OP, you need to get yourself into therapy before you take up with somone who is even worse for you than your ex. If you can't afford therapy, go to Al-Anon.

by Anonymousreply 5006/11/2013

this thread is driving me to drink

by Anonymousreply 5106/11/2013

You should hook up with OP's ex, 51.

by Anonymousreply 5206/11/2013

[quote]this thread is driving me to drink

r51 Do you need any help? Call me!

by Anonymousreply 5306/11/2013

OP - don't walk, run to an Al-Anon meeting. They can help you figure out why you have such a need to be with an alcoholic and how to find a non-alcoholic to love.

by Anonymousreply 5406/11/2013

So much bullshit being spewed in this thread. people have bought into the conventional wisdom that every addict is on downward spiral that will only lead to rock bottom and hopeefully rehab.

The dirty truth is that there are plenty of functioning addicts out there and many of them will continue to function and use throughout their lives. Of course no one admits that because there's no money to be made by admitting it. They ALL need interventions!!!! They ALL need rehab!!!

I know that some subsequent poster will respond with shock and twist my post to make it sound as if I'm saying ALL addicts are just peachy and none need help so I'll clarify. Most are miserable and most need help... but some manage just fine.

by Anonymousreply 5506/11/2013

R55, just about everyone in my family drink every single day. I don't. I hate the stuff. But they are all very successful, happy enough, and love their happy hour. I would consider all functioning drunks, but very successful humans. I totally agree with you.

by Anonymousreply 5606/12/2013

These functional addicts who manage just fine fuck up the people in their lives. People don't become addicts or alcoholics just because they like to get high, there are always deeper issues. My bf was the son of one. A high earning salesman who had to whittle down the people around him. The mother who denied his alcoholism, saying he just liked to unwind. He gave his best to the outside world, while hurting his family. Ask the children of functioning alcoholics how great their childhoods were.

by Anonymousreply 5706/12/2013

[quote]I'm questioning this because not even 24 hours passed, before he is in a new relationship.

OP, I'm trying to give you the benefit of the doubt, but this statement doesn't pass the smell test. NOBODY finds a new long-term "partner" within 24 hours of dumping another. Assuming they aren't exes who got back together or weren't fucking around behind your back, they are together for one reason and one reason only: alcohol. The new bf isn't just an enabler, in other words; he's undoubtedly a hard-core alkie himself.

[quote]If he drinks a 2LTR bottle of wine in one sitting, is that a problem?

Without question.

[quote]He wasn't a mean drunk, or got rock bottom drunk. he was a happy drunk.

Real drunks (as in long-term) are never truly happy; the booze merely lets them forget their problems for a while. I speak from experience: I fell into an alcoholic spiral a few years back when I was in the throes of a deep depression. I was always the life of the party, and no one would've known what was going on inside me, but I only drank to forget. Although I was never a mean or rock-bottom drunk, I finally quit after realizing what I was doing to my family and friends, my body and my career.

[quote]I keep thinking about how happy this new coupling will be, the house they will buy, the anniversaries they will be celebrating, the vacations they will take.

...and this is why I suspect you might be trolling. Codependent drunks buying houses together, celebrating anniversaries and traveling the world? Seriously??? Where, praytell, will they be getting the cash to fund these wonderful adventures? Please be realistic.

[quote]The bottom line is that I'm all alone, dumped because I don't drink.

Oh, gee, you're alone. Boo-hoo. You need to start by asking yourself -- AND FIGURING OUT WHY -- this prospect stokes so much fear in you. Also, it could be much worse, e.g. you got dumped because your bf found someone younger and prettier than you and decided to kick you out with no notice.

by Anonymousreply 5806/12/2013

[quote]Most are miserable and most need help... but some manage just fine.

R55, we aren't talking about those "manage just fine." I would quibble with that anyway, having been raised by one of those "managing just fine" people. The fine management of his life depended on every one in his family shoring him up at all times, and there was hell to pay if someone stepped out of line. He was the only one who was allowed to have weaknesses. To most of those in the outside world, he was bigger than life and they loved him.

by Anonymousreply 5906/12/2013

OP is a user a predator. Seek therapy boy.

by Anonymousreply 6006/12/2013

You asked for it and here it is OP. The fact that you self-identify as an "enabler" says two things to me. The first is that you're trying to use your ex's alcohol or drug problems to control him in your own way. The second is that you have absolutely no self esteem.

Is it WRONG in a moral sense? No but why on earth would you ever want to subject yourself to such a mess?

If your relationship was working on whatever fucked up level you could accept then you wouldn't have felt the need to post this topic. Since you did I'd echo earlier posters advice to try Al-Anon.

You aren't the first and won't be the last person who's convinced themselves that a toxic relationship is better than none.

You'd be wrong and the faster you figure it out the better.

by Anonymousreply 6106/12/2013

Addicts ALWAYS:

End up becoming chronic liars


Lose their looks quickly

Neglect personal hygiene

Experience sexual dysfunction

People have more respect for those who are single than they do enablers burdened with fucking losers.

by Anonymousreply 6206/12/2013

If not for people like you OP, I would have no friends at all.

by Anonymousreply 6306/12/2013

He didn't find someone new in 24 hours, OP.

Either he's with a drinking buddy and he said they're in a relationship to piss you off, or he's been screwing this guy all along.

by Anonymousreply 6406/12/2013

[QUOTE]These functional addicts who manage just fine fuck up the people in their lives. People don't become addicts or alcoholics just because they like to get high, there are always deeper issues

Oh, I didn't realize that we had someone here who has met EVERY SINGLE addict in the world and is therefore in a position to make such a statement.

[quote]we aren't talking about those "manage just fine." I would quibble with that anyway, having been raised by one of those "managing just fine" people. The fine management of his life depended on every one in his family shoring him up at all times,

then he wasn't one of those 'manage just fine' addicts.

by Anonymousreply 6506/12/2013

OP, if he has a trust fund, it is OK.

by Anonymousreply 6606/12/2013

R66 See there are exceptions to everything.

by Anonymousreply 6706/12/2013

OP, Have you ever watched a close friend go down hill due to his addictions and die at a young age? Even though we were strictly platonic (my choice,) I'll never do it again. Please celebrate the fact that you are single and free and find someone worthy of your friendship. The hardest part is starting over from scratch, to find a new relationship.

by Anonymousreply 6806/12/2013

There's a difference between those who abuse alcohol and drugs and those who go on to become seriously addicted to it. Some people are "heavy hitters" but still can function and maintain their health without causing destruction all around them. It's not a healthy situation for a relationship, but if you're also partying all the time, it probably works.

Either way, he did you a favor by moving on. If you're not into drinking, he's not going to be satisfied with you because he wants a playmate to join the party.

by Anonymousreply 6906/12/2013

[quote]Then he wasn't one of those 'manage just fine' addicts.

To everyone who didn't live with him, he sure was.

There is no such thing as a "manage just fine" addict. Someone is enabling for him or her to look "just fine." I've known a few trust fund addicts; if anything, they end up getting help a little earlier than most because they don't have external situations (such as needing to work) to put the brakes on their addiction.

You're looking in from the outside so you don't know what goes on.

by Anonymousreply 7006/12/2013

addicts die from their addiction unless they stop using. Whether that takes decades [in the case of many alcoholics] or a shorter period of time with harsher drugs like meth, unless you stop using, you will die.

Forget right or wrong. Do you want to help someone you say you love die?

Co-dependents like the control they have over the addict and get emotional payoffs like self pity and a sense of being a martyr. They also can become very arrogant with a distorted sense of superiority compared to the addict.

If you are prepared to help someone you love die a slow painful death and have no problem with the fact that many people with be able to see you are an arrogant control freak who gets off on being a martyr, then go for it.

Or you could help yourself and your partner and get help

by Anonymousreply 7106/12/2013

Well considering he dumped me because I'm not a drinker, I'm on the outside looking in. He made his choice, and there is nothing I can do.

by Anonymousreply 7206/12/2013

The fact that you recognize you're in a cesspool and yet want to defend your position says all any of us need to know, OP.

It would be worthless to even further debate the ideas of healthy relationships and self-respect with a person who clearly has no self-esteem whatsoever.

by Anonymousreply 7306/12/2013

You must not be in love or you would want help for your so called better half. It seems you like people to take advantage of you like alcoholics and junkies do. Its your private hell so have at it but don't complain here when it all falls apart.

by Anonymousreply 7406/12/2013

You guys are 100% RIGHT. But I just needed to hear it from DL.

He kicked me to the curb, but at the same time I didn't really fight it because of his drinking issues. So I walked away willingly.

But doubts were creeping in, especially since he found someone else so fast. Within one day.

But just needed DL to set me straight. That he did me a favor.

by Anonymousreply 7506/12/2013

I mean after one date, both of them ran home to change their Facebook status to 'in a relationship'

by Anonymousreply 7606/12/2013

OP - at least it took 24 hours. My ex moved from my place into someone else's the same day.

The ex became physically abusive to that guy. Ended up spending a year in jail (fraud). I think the ex is now living with his mother at 41.

The other guy spent five years with him and still hasn't been able to let go.

I met someone a year later (at 52) and we've been together five years. No drugs but we do go out once or twice a week, but it's social drinking. Neither of us drink at home.

by Anonymousreply 7706/12/2013

OP, your's is the most idiotic post of the day. I leave it at that.

by Anonymousreply 7806/12/2013

[quote] OP, your's is the most idiotic post of the day.

Oh, dear.

by Anonymousreply 7906/12/2013

How about all of the celebs with very serious drinking&drugging issues? It's almost as if you don't participate then you'll be left out of the money making projects.

by Anonymousreply 8006/12/2013

[quote]There is no such thing as a "manage just fine" addict.

Unless you've met every single addict, you have no basis on which to make that statement. the only people who have done studies on addiction are people who make money from convincing you that every addict needs immediate rehab.

by Anonymousreply 8106/12/2013

How's that barge on the Nile for comfort this time of year, R81?

by Anonymousreply 8206/12/2013

Most addicts stop WITHOUT rehab honey. And I'm one of them.

Rehab is intensive in-patient treatment for people who are in physical danger when they stop using. That includes alcoholics, heroin addicts, benzo/narcotic pain med addicts, etc. Some people are so physically addicted, they can die from the withdrawal symptoms.

That's not to say people do not benefit from intensive rehab therapy to break the cycle, even if they're not in any immediate danger physically when they stop using. But most addicts stop on their own.

And yes, there are people that are high-functioning addicts. But they are still addicts.

by Anonymousreply 8306/12/2013

"Honey" at R83: You're the only one who is arguing about rehab and treatment. Is it the norm for you to conduct debates with yourself?

by Anonymousreply 8406/12/2013

I'm sober and this black/white definition of every single addict that 12 steppers promote is so irritating to me. Not every addict lies/steals/cheats/etc. Many do. Some don't.

And abusing a drug for a time in your life isn't necessarily the same as being an addict. And sometimes, if you became an addict not because of a genetic predisposition, but because of life's circumstances, you can drink again once you get those circumstances resolved. Say any of this in an AA meeting and they act like you've just committed treason.

For me? I didn't have a thinking problem. My brain works just fine. I had a drinking problem. I'm the genetic alkie. I know it. I cut out the booze, life's been great ever since. But everyone is different and should be treated as such.

by Anonymousreply 8506/12/2013

I used AA/NA to get clean and sober, but I haven't been involved with them for a long time. What I call AA dogma never worked as well for me as it did for some people I know. I'm too much of a skeptic or something. Growing up Catholic and getting out of that mess taught me to question every damn thing.

I used to be one of those oddballs who do something to a totally ridiculous level, then I would simply decide I didn't want to do it any more. There's a long line of addicts and alcoholics on both sides of my family. Bad craziness.

by Anonymousreply 8606/12/2013

The OP is either a troll or pathetically co-dependent. He'd rather "enable" a drug addict/alcoholic than be alone. SO sad.

by Anonymousreply 8706/12/2013

"I'm sober and this black/white definition of every single addict that 12 steppers promote is so irritating to me. Not every addict lies/steals/cheats/etc. Many do. Some don't."

So there are some addicts/alcoholics who NEVER lie, steal, cheat, endanger others, etc.? I find that damned hard to believe.

by Anonymousreply 8806/12/2013

This thread is really interesting to me, because I am in a similar situation. I am the high functioning alcoholic. I never drink during the day, but start drinking around dinner time. I am wasted by 9pm, and go to bed early, which my partner hates. He has a couple of beers on the weekends, but can control his drinking. I cannot. If there is a bottle of vodka in the cabinet, I will drink the entire bottle (or until I pass out). I feel like crap every moring, but feel OK by noon, and am ready to drink again by dinner. I went to one AA meeting, but hated it because I am so shy. I told my partner that I am going to get counseling to deal with my drinking, and he said that he didn't think it was a good idea. He wants me to just cut down on my own. I told him that I would give it a try, and quit drinking for two days. He came home with a bottle of tequila, so we could make margaritas. Needless to say, I started drinking again every day, and he hasn't mentioned anything else about counseling. I am really confused. Why would someone want to be with an alcoholic? He clearly likes me drunk.

by Anonymousreply 8906/12/2013

R88, there aren't ANY humans who don't, at some point, lie or steal or cheat. When I was drinking, I was very honest about how much I drank. I never stole a dime. I never cheated. I lied about other things, and still do from time to time. Being an alkie has nothing to with it. Being a human has everything to do with it.

by Anonymousreply 9006/12/2013

R89 clearly doesn't know what "high functioning" means.

by Anonymousreply 9106/12/2013

I actually do get it.. if you have no-one else, if they have other good qualities that you love.. it's really really hard to not overlook these things. I guess it depends where you draw the line. Also, it's true that they have to want to help themselves so if you are willing to support them and encourage them if they do, that's good.

by Anonymousreply 9206/12/2013

R89, that actually red flags to me. He doesn't want you to get better probably because it might threaten the relationship - he likes you dependent and in the situation I'm guessing. You have to talk to him about it - it does NOT help to bring home tequila - and you have to do it anyway. You have to help yourself. Go to counselling, get a support buddy, anything.

by Anonymousreply 9306/12/2013

I got sober through AA, but never went back after a year of meetings. There are many good things about the program and the most important, in my opinion, is the support in the rooms when you are still in early sobriety.

Other things about AA wore thin and I moved on. But I have stayed sober for almost twenty years now and know that, for me, it is truly an addiction and I need to abstain.

One size doesn't fit all. And no matter how or why people abuse or become addicted to a substance, ultimately, we all have a choice to stop using. In my opinion, there are always deeper emotional issues that need to be addressed, along with chronic conditions like depression.

Good luck to all!

by Anonymousreply 9406/12/2013

I agree with R93. R89, your partner sabotaged you. It's likely he's concerned about losing control over you if you quit drinking, or that your relationship will change in ways he might not like.

Regardless of his motives, he seems to have become part of the problem.

by Anonymousreply 9506/12/2013

Enabling and walking away are not the only choices. Not all long term committed partners of active alcoholics (etc.) are enablers. Enabling means one is enabling the other to persist in self-destructive behavior. There are many people who persist in self-destructive behaviors in spite of the concerted efforts of their partner to get them to stop rather than the blessing and assistance of their partners.

by Anonymousreply 9606/13/2013

Pathetic. I find out someone I'm with is on drugs, the relationship ends at that moment. Period. End of discussion. I deserve better.

by Anonymousreply 9706/13/2013

That's a healthy attitude, R97.

R96, I've heard some really funny stories about things partners of alcoholics and addicts have done to get them to stop.

One guy talked about coming home from his favorite watering hole to find his wife with paperwork spread out all around her. When he asked what she was doing, she said she was figuring out how much she would be worth when he died. He got sober soon after.

by Anonymousreply 9806/13/2013

OP, enjoy misery? Huh?

by Anonymousreply 9906/13/2013

You can always rely on DL for a litany of cliches re addicts and addiction. I've worked with, lived with, and loved addicts for years. I'm a high functioning addict myself (been using half my life) who would never put my habit before the welfare of my loved ones. I'm healthy, educated, & good looking. I hold down a job I love, sit on a non-profit board, and enjoy a happy, loving, and honest family life. R55 is right - addicts are as diverse as people are generally. Of course many use their addictions to excuse horrible behaviour, but just as many maintain their honesty and integrity. Many addicts make for toxic relationships, but many don't. If a partner's drug/alcohol use causes themselves or you unhappiness, then enabling their use clearly isn't a good idea. If you don't see any significant harms resulting from their drinking/drug use, then why upset a good thing? It all depends on the people and situation involved - there's no one answer.

by Anonymousreply 10006/13/2013

I met my boyfriend in college, we both took a couple courses to help us get better jobs. I met him after getting out of a long relationship and wasn't even looking for anyone. At first I just saw him on the weekends, I had started a new job and couldn't see him on weekdays. On Friday night he usually got drunk but I figured he was just blowing off steam on the weekend. I fell in love with him and by the time I started seeing him more I noticed that he was getting drunk during weekdays too. I honestly did not know he was an alcoholic or I wouldn't have gotten involved with him but now it is too late I love him.

by Anonymousreply 10106/13/2013

Haha, it's usually addicts who say that they're high functioning and do not allow it to affect others badly.

by Anonymousreply 10206/13/2013

OP, if you received help from this thread, I'm glad. You deserve better and you can now move on with your life. However, I am saddened by the posters who claim to be high-functioning, honest, etc. After knowing more than a few alkies/addicts who claim the same thing, all I can say is you are lying to us and yourself.

by Anonymousreply 10306/13/2013

R89 here. I say that I am high functioning because I have a decent job, dont drink during the day, and manage to work out semi regularly.

by Anonymousreply 10406/13/2013

R104 I bet you have more than a few people propping you up at home and at work (and you might not even realize it). Why not take some of the effort you put into trying to keep it all going (I'm sure it's a lot of work) into facing what is driving your addiction and stop medicating yourself. If you can love yourself and seek healing, I think you will find that you were deluding yourself when you say you are high-functioning. If not, you will still have made yourself healthier and happier.

by Anonymousreply 10506/13/2013

R100 does have a point. Everyting on DL is a "rule of thumb." No addicts, no smokers, no mentally ill people, no unemployed or broke people, no fatties. Really, sometimes I wonder if the gay men here are actual people or just robots mouthing their mothers' warnings.

by Anonymousreply 10606/13/2013

[quote] Of course many use their addictions to excuse horrible behaviour.

And Many use their behavior to excuse horrible addictions.

Just an FYI - there is NO addict that is highly functioning emotionally. Period.

by Anonymousreply 10706/13/2013

This post and this thread is unbelievably clueless.

Of course you can fall in love with an alcoholic or addict. And yes many of them "function" if by that you mean have a career.

But many and most get worse and eventually lose their careers if not family and friends and of course die of their problem or disease if want to call it that. And most also lead miserable existances and make life for those they love miserable as well- and if they have children pass the damage on. Anyone who has had a relationship with an addict or alcoholic knows this- and if not- is lying to themself.

Point is, the enabler helps to continue the misery as much as the alcoholic does. The enabler is no help to the alcoholic, or to themself really. Alanon the 12 step program for those close to alcoholics can help someone understand this- and can also help the spouse or relative of that alcoholic save themself. Enablers are in what we call co-dependent relationships with the subtance abuser. Both people "go down the drain" preserving the status quo for whatever reason(s).

Alcoholism and addiction are killers as surely as cancer is. If you are serious about helping someone, you do not want to enable them- if you do not know how to do this due to your love of that person or any other reason, I advise you to get help from an organization like Alanon.

This is a very very serious business. I have seen careers, lives, families, and everything we treasure in life blown to bits by alcoholism, both the life of the alcoholic and the lives of their loved ones.

by Anonymousreply 10806/13/2013

Is it common for family members to be in denial about the problem as well?

by Anonymousreply 10906/13/2013

R108 described my present life, perfectly.

by Anonymousreply 11006/13/2013

My partner of 10yrs is an alcoholic. His grandfather was also an alcoholic. He works in the entertainment world so I think quitting would be very difficult for him as he has no other skills to find a job in a different field.

I want to and have been trying to help him. He is English and drinking is very much part of his culture. He does fine in his job but after work, is another matter.

He drinks at least 4 vodkas and 5 beers 6 days a week. He used to drink whiskey and would turn into a mean drunk and treat me like shit. He stopped drinking that after I threatened to leave him, but occasionally, he would still drink it if someone offered it to him. He often made promises that he would only drink beer, the vodka and whiskey fucks him up, he claims. He doesn't think he has a problem because he doesn't drink first thing in the morning etc.

He's in his mid 30s and he's pissed his pants, shat himself, gotten arrested for pissing in public. His family has tried talking to him to "wise up" but so he is still drinking.

My question is regarding his pooping his pants. He's done it twice this year. Both times he drank like 6 vodkas and 5 beers. Does that mean he will crap his pants every time he drinks this amount or will his physical condition worsen and he will crap his pants even if he drank a lesser amount? Anyone with this info or links to help me out?

The worst thing is, he went for a health check up 2 yrs ago and his results came back normal, his liver is fine. He takes lots of supplements and vitamins.

by Anonymousreply 11106/15/2013

There was this one girl in college who always pissed herself when she got drunk. I felt bad for her. She wasn't an alcoholic, far from it, it was just when she drank, even a few drinks, she'd pass out and be out cold. Just wouldn't wake up to pee and her body wouldn't "wait" like it does for most people. We'd move her to the bathroom floor once she passed out so she'd pee on the tile. Yes, her nickname was Wet Tile Tina.

So while it sounds like the BF is a hardcore alkie, pissing/shitting himself might just be a bit of bad luck in whatever function regulates that. Just like our dear Tile.

by Anonymousreply 11206/15/2013

R11 and R112 = super trolls but fuckin funny

by Anonymousreply 11306/16/2013

How am I a troll?

by Anonymousreply 11406/16/2013

While I'm at it, could someone tell me what's WRONG with sticking your hand directly into an open flame?

by Anonymousreply 11506/16/2013

What's WRONG with Muriel Puce?!?

by Anonymousreply 11606/16/2013

OP, coud you be the enabler for a SEX addict as easily as a substance addict?

by Anonymousreply 11706/16/2013

[quote]At least I have a life partner.

No, you dont. He will leave you as soon as he finds someone else who can get him even better drugs, or has a nicer house or something. Besides, he will die way before you will as well.

by Anonymousreply 11806/16/2013

R10 is a Heath Ledger Troll enabler.

by Anonymousreply 11906/16/2013

R112, in one of his books, David Niven talked about John Barrymore and Errol Flynn peeing on their hosts' sofas when they were too drunk to get up and go to the bathroom.

I've read DL posts saying Flynn was one of the hottest actors in Hollywood, and I've always wondered whether that might detract from his hotness.

No matter how much someone loves an alcoholic,

by Anonymousreply 12006/16/2013

My post got cut off. I was going to say that no matter how much someone may love an alcoholic, eventually some of the less attractive behaviors will tend to get in the way.

Visiting him in jail, getting him bonded out in the middle of the night, paying legal fees because he's gotten himself in another mess are all part of living with an alcoholic.

by Anonymousreply 12106/16/2013
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