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Your most humiliating masturbation experience:

When I was a kid, my jerk older brother told me to jack off with Tiger Balm, and that it was "so awesome". The first stroke was fine, but I thought my dick was going to burn off after the second stroke. I tried to get it off with a towel and it got worse. I jumped into the shower and when the water hit it, it got even more painful.

I was screaming and freaking out, so when my mom ran in I was in too much pain to be embarrassed. Some of it got up inside my urethra, because, of course, my brother told me to put a whole bunch on me. I had to lay there in burning pain while my mom inspected my penis. (horrible) Then she thought we should go to the ER where the Dr had flush it out or something. I remember him looking into the hole and using a q-tip and also a little tiny hose thing with water. I had to ice my balls too.

Now I don't use anything but fragrance free lube.

My dick hurts just thinking about it.

by Anonymousreply 15803/17/2016

Ricky got caught - and boy, was he embarrassed!

by Anonymousreply 106/06/2013

Such excruciating sexual turgidity, OP!

by Anonymousreply 206/06/2013

OP, wasn't that an ABC Afterschool Special starring Scott Baio?

by Anonymousreply 306/06/2013

Your brother sounds like a fun guy. We'd probably be good friends.

by Anonymousreply 406/06/2013

OP = Ellen Sturtz

by Anonymousreply 506/06/2013

I got caught by my sister. I was 13, we had no door locks because my mother believed that families don't lock each other out. She opened the door without knocking and immediately slammed it shut because I was on the edge of the bed, pants down, erection up, fapping away. I didn't speak to her for years except the bare minimum necessary (excuse me, pass the gravy, it's my turn for the shower) and even 30 years later I'm still not comfortable around her. I guess I'm still carrying shame.

by Anonymousreply 606/06/2013

It was called "He Beats Off a Little," r3. The mother was played by Patty Duke Astin, and the doctor was played by Laurence Luckinbill.

by Anonymousreply 706/06/2013

There was also the sequel, "She Fingers Herself Frequently," with Eve Plumb, Sally Field and Ronny Cox as her parents, and Brett Somers as the high school guidance counselor. Luckinbill repeated his role as the Doctor.

Plans for two sequels, "She Swallows Semen" and "He Takes Teacher Anally" were dropped.

by Anonymousreply 806/06/2013

[quote]Plans for two sequels, "She Swallows Semen" and "He Takes Teacher Anally"

Starring Ronny Benson, and Glynnis O'Connor, respectively.

by Anonymousreply 906/06/2013

[quote] OP, wasn't that an ABC Afterschool Special starring Scott Baio?

yes, it was called "Mommy May I Wank with Danger?"

by Anonymousreply 1006/06/2013

The very first time I masturbated (I was maybe 13) my Baptist parents came back because the laundromat was full (we were on shore vacation) and caught me.

I was so humiliated and freaked out (as were they) I didn't masturbate again until I was 17.

by Anonymousreply 1106/06/2013

OK, r7, 8, 9, and 10 are why I still come to the DL. Thanks!

Now I have to get something to clean my beverage off of my screen...

by Anonymousreply 1206/07/2013

My mother caught me. I swore I would never do THAT again.

by Anonymousreply 1306/07/2013

I don't understand people who get caught. It's pretty obvious when someone is walking about to your door. Also, why would you be jerking off during the day when everyone is up and about? When I was still living at home I always jerked off right before bed because everyone was settled down for the night at the point. Plus if anyone did walk in I would be under the covers, so it wouldn't be so bad anyway. People who get caught want to get caught.

by Anonymousreply 1406/07/2013

Oooooh, well smell you R14!

by Anonymousreply 1506/07/2013

I think in my case I just had a compulsive need, it didn't matter what time. Plus, our floors were carpeted so I couldn't hear footsteps to my door. Shame on my sister for not knocking though. I'll be the first to admit having sexual compulsion issues as an adult, but I don't think even on a subconscious level I ever wanted to get caught.

by Anonymousreply 1606/07/2013

R14 has stated his boundaries!

by Anonymousreply 1706/07/2013

[quote]People who get caught want to get caught.

Is it possible that this person is really this stupid? Could it be that they just posted a totally stupid remark in order to get attention?

R6 and R11 didn't have to explain that they had no intention of wanting to get caught, yet someone wants others to believe a moronic suggestion that they wanted to get caught.

by Anonymousreply 1806/07/2013

My mom came in when I was 12, saw what was up and immediately closed the door. I couldn't hear her coming because of the carpet in the hallway, and it never occurred to me she would come in without knocking. Of course I didn't want to get caught, but it happens.

by Anonymousreply 1906/07/2013

I was fantasizing Bunny Bixler and it was going great but then all of a sudden she stepped on the ping pong ball.

Well it was ghastly. Just ghastly.

by Anonymousreply 2006/07/2013

Still not funny r20.

by Anonymousreply 2106/07/2013

The Bunny Bixler shit is tired. I never found it funny.

by Anonymousreply 2206/07/2013

I did it once in my living room in an apartment complex (so I could watch a video on my TV screen--this was in the days of VHS) and the maintenance guy just walked in (the door had been left stupidly unlocked) for some reason or other. He stood there frozen in horror and didn't know what to say, and then finally said in anguish, "I just came in to check the smoke detector!" I responded, "FINE, BUT PLEASE LEAVE NOW!!!"

by Anonymousreply 2306/07/2013

Tiger Balm is fun! Try it on your nipples and nuts too, great stuff!

by Anonymousreply 2406/07/2013

Did someone call me?

by Anonymousreply 2506/07/2013

I think the kids are more horrified than the parents are. Every parent must be aware their their teenage son is going to jerk off from time to time. It's human nature. I think they would be more concerned if you didn't show any sexual interest at all. Unless they're Mormons or Pentecostal bible freaks.

by Anonymousreply 2606/07/2013

Not exactly a masturbation experience but when we were 14 or so, my best friend and I put itching powder in every pair of another friends's briefs. I think he scratched for months, even going to the doctor. The little bastards that we were we thought it was very funny and never said anything. Poor guy

by Anonymousreply 2706/07/2013

Let it go r6. Your sister was young too. She was probably clueless as to the perils of walking into the bedroom of a teenage boy.

by Anonymousreply 2806/08/2013

[quote]they had no intention of wanting to

Huh, R18?

by Anonymousreply 2906/08/2013

I knew a complete fuckhead who jerked off and put himself in a world of hurt. He was feeling sexy and needed something to lubricate his cut cock. He took an arthritis cream and proceeded to pump his cock to completion. He was in immediate pain afterwards.It then put his inflamed member under a faucet for three hours!

by Anonymousreply 3006/08/2013

being caught by hidden cops while masturbating at a known toilet was really humiliating. Had to give some money to them. Hopefully I overcame to this addiction.

by Anonymousreply 3106/08/2013

"Ronny Benson"

The actor's name is ROBBY Benson.

by Anonymousreply 3206/08/2013

OP: I'm sorry, but that story just made me cry, I was laughing so hard. A horrible experience, related so succintly and with just enough detail. The things brothers will get up to! Thanks for writing this. Sorry you suffered so much. And having to have your MOM inspect your wang is just AWFUL!

by Anonymousreply 3306/08/2013

What happened to your brother, OP? Did he get grounded for awhile? Did he laugh and tell everyone in school about it? Did he have to pay the ER fee?

by Anonymousreply 3406/08/2013

"Under a faucet for three hours"


by Anonymousreply 3506/08/2013

Did OP's brother grow up to be a nice guy or is he in prison?

by Anonymousreply 3606/08/2013

I once did it to Ben Affleck. Humiliating!

by Anonymousreply 3706/09/2013

It was recorded by a security camera at the home of people I was house sitting for.

by Anonymousreply 3806/09/2013

Why not just sit on the floor with your back against the door like I did? It may not be as comfortable as fapping at the edge of the bed, but at least your sister doesn't walk in.

by Anonymousreply 3906/09/2013

I used to sell hot dogs at the Metrodome in Minneapolis, back in my mid-twenties.

One time, I found a quiet spot in a storage room, where we kept all the wienie buns, so I thought I'd rub one out.

Little did I know that there was a security camera in that corner of the storage room. The guy manning the security desk, who was a real dick, flipped the switch and broadcast my wanking escapade to the whole arena on the giant jumbo-tron.

I thought it was odd that when I came, there was a rousing, whooping cheer from the entire stadium.

by Anonymousreply 4006/09/2013

When I shot a blank. Been doing it for years, 2,3 times a day. Then last month, nothing came out. Where did it go? I was scared, and didn't jack off for a week. After that, mucho leche. Where did it go? The fluid, the sperm?

by Anonymousreply 4106/09/2013

r41, were you taking any medications?

by Anonymousreply 4206/09/2013

I was housesitting for my sister who rented a ground floor apartment in a Duplex. Landlord lived upstairs. I was on the couch jerking off on a saturday afternoon and had this wierd feeling I was being watched. But who would be watching? Figured it was god watching me (or all my dead relatives), but I had to rub one out so i resumed in spite of my shame. then I Looked at the window more closely and discovered a gap at the bottom of the blinds and realized there were two eyes staring at me!!! They ducked and took off! I ran to the window to see my sister's landlord running down the driveway. Well, I couldn't tell my sister-- too embarrassing!

Later my sister tells me she moved because they discovered, while they were at work, the landlord was entering the apartment and slightly opening the blinds-- just a smidge-- so he could peep in at night! Every time they caught him, he would say he was taking out the trash.

by Anonymousreply 4306/09/2013

No story myself, but I did walk in on my freshman year roommate while he was beating one out. He was laughing but clearly embarrassed, so I tried to downplay it and said I was lucky he'd never caught me.

I was a complete closet case at the time, and really if I hadn't been I'm guessing he would have had some insecure, douchey, no homo reaction.

by Anonymousreply 4406/09/2013

Being yelled at by those girls locked in the basement! It was for Connie and Raymond!

by Anonymousreply 4506/09/2013

R40 - nice touch with the stadium cheer. lol

by Anonymousreply 4606/10/2013

Never caught wanking off BUT one time my mom and one of her best girlfriends came storming into my room with a new set of sheets and a new comforter for my bed. No knock, no nothing. Just "We want to see how this looks." I was sitting at my desk doing some schoolwork and was a bit shellshocked. In an instant, they proceeded, without asking me, to pick up my mattress to change the sheets and there they found two gay porn magazines under the mattress. I grabbed them and threw them in a drawer and no one said a word. As if they were "Newsweek or Time" or something. I was mortified beyond words and I have no idea how THEY felt but it was not mentioned at all. Uncomfortable as hell. THIS way how my family dealt with my being gay, though. Very "Ordinary People." Just ignore it. Never mention it, even in the face of evidence.

I was seventeen when this happened, by the way. And I remember it like it was yesterday. So fucked up. Mom could have at least made a joke about it or tried to make me a bit less uncomfortable. But, no. It was always as if my sexuality did not exist at all.

by Anonymousreply 4706/10/2013

You had no reason to be embarrassed, R47. You should have been angry and you should have let them know it by kicking them out of your room. I say this as a mom of teenage sons myself. What kind of fucked up mother did you have that she would violate your privacy in such an evil, underhanded way.......and in the presence of her fraufriend no less? Dear God. The one bright spot is at least your monster mom was probably mortified in front of her friend. Serves her right.

by Anonymousreply 4806/10/2013

It was at a sleepover. My best friend's mother caught me while I was watching TV. She told my mom and she slapped me.

A few years later, I caught my dad comforting the lady who lived downstairs.

by Anonymousreply 4906/10/2013

R48, thank you so much for your kind response. Yes, this was back in the 80's when things were different. I was still struggling with self acceptance. I was not out to anyone (although I am sure most/many people knew or suspected) and especially not to my mom. She DID show a total lack of respect for my privacy, even though the door to my room was open at that moment and they did just walk right in, she should have ASKED if changing my sheets would have been okay, considering I was a teenage boy with whatever "secret" or privacy needs that would entail. But she was thoughtless in this regard. And it was incidents like this ripped me right out of the closet and fucked with my head for years. Another time, and this was when I was in college, for heaven's sake (and lived at home for one semester), I got a letter from a guy I was sort of seeing (he was away for the summer at some theatre camp thing) and it had some very personal stuff in it. Mom opened it and read it. And I found her crying. She said "What IS this?" One of those afterschool special moments. Again, I was made to be the one mortified and embarrassed and did not have the esteem to even be angry. Self loathing can run very deep in families where homosexuality is considered the absolute worst thing a human can be. Of course, this was a very long time ago. Things are different. Better but there are still situations out there like mine. There was no "It gets better" campaign for me back in the day.

My mother fucked with my head for a long, long time. She has been dead for about eight years now. Until she died we only ever discussed my sexuality ONE time, when I was about 23, when she said "I know about these feelings you have. It's only physical. The main thing is to not let anyone humiliate you." What the FUCK did any of that mean? My entire relationship with my mother was don't ask, don't tell. My dad was long gone. Since I was two.

So, someone walking in you masturbating is a one-time deal, usually. Try having your privacy invaded for years. It fucks you up.

by Anonymousreply 5006/10/2013

The youtube video I posted only got 128 hits!! The shame of it all.

by Anonymousreply 5106/10/2013


Not only am I disgusted at your mother for barging in and invading your privacy like that... I'm disgusted at her for putting new sheets on your bed without first washing them.


by Anonymousreply 5206/10/2013

[quote]When I shot a blank. Been doing it for years, 2,3 times a day. Then last month, nothing came out. Where did it go? I was scared, and didn't jack off for a week. After that, mucho leche. Where did it go? The fluid, the sperm?

It landed in your hair.

by Anonymousreply 5306/10/2013

When my Xtube video only got a one star rating

by Anonymousreply 5406/11/2013

R47, isn't it possible that your mother knew full well what she'd find in your bed? Her behavior seems so bizarre and inexplicable otherwise, that there's almost not explanation for it. "Never let anyone humiliate you," indeed.

R41, I can understand why coming up empty might be surprising, but "humiliating"? Was there an audience?

by Anonymousreply 5506/11/2013

R21 & R22 are both playing way over they're heads.

by Anonymousreply 5606/11/2013

I never got caught but when we moved from our old house to another I could see all the streaks of dried cum where I shot off on the wall as I didn't want to get spunk on the sheets. I just prayed that my Mom or Dad didn't see them.

by Anonymousreply 5706/11/2013

I too had my mother whip open the bedroom door unannounced when I was about 14. (And for the Jerk-Alert troll, we had carpeting in the hallway, so I didn't hear her approach. Also, no lock on the bi-fold door to my bedroom. And it was close to bedtime, although at that age I jerked off about 4-6 times over the course of each day.) I was standing mid-room, completely naked and mid-stroke on a raging hard-on. I believe my mother felt I was staying up too late, so came in to tell me to go to bed. The best I could do was try to turn around and shout out "I'm changing into my pajamas!" Door whipped closed; never acknowledged.

by Anonymousreply 5806/11/2013

[quote][R21] & [R22] are both playing way over they're heads.

Says the man who doesn't spell "their" good.

by Anonymousreply 5906/12/2013

R57, that rings home with me. Yesterday, my cleaning lady came and moved a chair I have in my bedroom that I sit in while watching porn and beating off. Well, the cum spots on the wall were nothing short of plentiful. I wonder if sue had any idea what they were. I'm hoping that they will wash off easily...

by Anonymousreply 6006/12/2013

Gross R57 and R60. Why don't YOU wash your walls?

by Anonymousreply 6106/12/2013

[all posts by tedious troll removed.]

by Anonymousreply 6206/12/2013

I've only been caught red-handed once, by a roommate in college. He told me he was heading out for a while, but ended up bolting back inside the room five minutes after he left. I had enough time to cover my dick, but there was porn on the TV so I was totally busted. I told him he'd caught me, and he just laughed it off like it was no big deal.

I was also barged in on once while mutually masturbating with another guy in a hotel room. The maid just walked the fuck in without even knocking or announcing her presence! I couldn't believe it. I was more outraged than embarrassed, but I got over it. She was an illegal so her opinion of me didn't really matter. I was still really self-conscious every time I left my room after that though, as I'm sure she told everyone what I was up to.

Lastly, when I was in college I used to hire this kid to come over and fix my computer any time I'd have issues with it (I had lots of viruses back in those days--thanks, Windows). At one point the kid asked me if I had any music files he could try opening up to test something or other. I told him no, I didn't (I think I'd wiped the hard drive in an effort to try & fix the problem myself, so I had minimal files on it at the time). A while later he was scrolling around and goes, "Oh hey--here's a music file!" and I swear to God, everything started moving in slow motion. Before I could get out the word "NOOOOO!!" he'd already clicked on it, and it wasn't a fucking music file--it was a short clip of two dude sucking each other off in speedos (I still have the clip). It was beyond mortifying. Things got VERY awkward, very quickly after that. I still cringe when I think about it!

by Anonymousreply 6306/12/2013

OH I just thought of another humiliating experience involving masturbation--one that I wasn't even guilty of! When I was in 9th grade or so, my little sister (who was maybe four or five at the time) apparently told my mother that she was in my room when I "started laughing & something came out of my stomach." We had an out-of-town guest at the time, so my mother decided to wait a few days for the guest to leave before she confronted me about it. So for days, my mother was looking at me thinking that I was jacking off in front of my little sister (which I absolutely never did). I was disgusted when she brought this up to me, and it still bothers me to this day when I think about it. I also still have no clue what my little sister was talking about.

by Anonymousreply 6406/12/2013

[quote]I swear to God, everything started moving in slow motion. Before I could get out the word "NOOOOO!!"

LOL. I think we've all had moments like this. Maybe not getting busted for porn, but for a lots of different reasons. Just happened to me recently when I locked my keys in my car. Everything went into slo-mo as I watched the car door close.

by Anonymousreply 6506/12/2013

I had the same slow-motion experience while watching my father thrown up into the air after being hit by a car. His eye glasses flew off as though it were stop motion. I think that my perception was a symptom of shock.

[quote] She was an illegal so her opinion of me didn't really matter.

What does THAT mean?

by Anonymousreply 6606/12/2013

[quote]Says the man who doesn't spell "their" good

You spell, or do anything, "WELL." You don't do things "good."

by Anonymousreply 6706/12/2013

R50 sounds like drama.

by Anonymousreply 6806/12/2013

"She was an illegal so her opinion of me didn't really matter."

Perhaps she didn't realize that Republican scum had sexual desires. Dehumanization goes both ways.

by Anonymousreply 6906/12/2013

Yes, R67, that was a joke. Evidently not an entirely effective one. And you are right, I DO spell, or do anything, well. You, however, meant to write "one spells, or does anything, well."

by Anonymousreply 7006/12/2013

What an odd question. I don't think in my lifetime that masturbation has been associated with anything to do with humiliation.

by Anonymousreply 7106/12/2013

Sure it was R59, sure it was.

by Anonymousreply 7206/12/2013

By the way, R59, both one and you are acceptable in American English. You should know what you are talking about before you embarrass yourself like that.

by Anonymousreply 7306/12/2013

Wow r63, you had a very restrained, snobbish, or prudish upbringing if those things were a source of embarrassment for you (your condescending comment about the maid only reinforces this).

I've dealt with a few computer technicians all of whom have said they've seen it all in people's files, nothing fazes them, and it's none of their business anyway.

Moreover, a hotel maid walking in on intimacy is hardly anything you or she should lose their composure over. But your reasons for this are very misplaced - the tolerance has nothing to do with social class and everything to do with profession (it comes with the territory).

r67, r59's comments read joke, albeit not a very original or clever one, a mile away. Stop trying to one-up him/her.

by Anonymousreply 7406/12/2013

When I was about 16, I thought I had the house to myself all day and was having fun treating my body "as an amusement park" all over the house. I had gotten into my dad's not-so secret porn tapes and was going to town for the 3rd or 4th time of the day when he came home early and caught me on his bed, porn blaring on the VCR. He yelled "GOOD GOD!" when he opened the door LOL..We both just kind of froze for a minute and I jumped up and tried to cover up and turn off the TV. I about died. He was just as embarrassed as I was, I think. He just mumbled "stay out of my room" or something like that and went into the kitchen.

I think I hid in my room for about a day.

by Anonymousreply 7506/12/2013

r75 that was hot!

by Anonymousreply 7606/12/2013

How did you even know that the maid was an illegal, R63? And why would that disqualify her from having a reaction/opinion. You sound like a massive asshole.

I used to stow away used cum tissues in this drawer that was part of my bed. When there enough of them, I'd collect them and flush them down the toilet (I know, gross). One day, I opened the drawer and they were all gone. I got really embarrassed that my mom had found them. But, honestly, my mom knew it all. I also had porn tapes that I'd made special trips to this adult video store to purchase, that would mysteriously disappear from my room where they'd been carefully hidden. There was this one called "Mannequin Man" that was sort of the "Mannequin" (1986) of gay porn that I loved and have never been able to relocate. Thanks, Mom!

Keep the stories coming, guys. These are really great.

by Anonymousreply 7706/12/2013

[quote]Keep the stories coming, guys

I see what you did there! ;)

by Anonymousreply 7806/12/2013

I grew up in a college town. One summer these two hot college studs rented out a garage a few blocks away. They seemed to be outside all summer washing their car, totally shirtless. They had amazing upper bodies and obviously enjoyed showing them off. I used to ride my bike past their garage just to get a look a them. One time I was so horned up, I started jerking myself off through my shorts, while on the bike. As I exploded, I lost control of the bike, which went up a curb and I crashed into a white picket fence.

by Anonymousreply 7906/12/2013

PS: I had a couple of scrapes. I was so embarrassed, all I remember is getting back on my bike and riding away and hoping to sneak in the house before my mom saw the scrapes and wet spot on my shorts. Of course, as a 16-year-old who only thought with his dick, that little incident didn't stop me from endlessly riding past the garage the rest of the summer. They always seemed to be out there.

by Anonymousreply 8006/12/2013

R61, you guilted me into cleaning the walls today. They are all clean and no traces of cum. Was so pleased with myself that I had to bust a nut over it :)...

by Anonymousreply 8106/13/2013

[R76], I was 16 or 17 so my dad must have been 39? 40? Somewhere around there.

by Anonymousreply 8206/14/2013

[quote]Perhaps she didn't realize that Republican scum had sexual desires. Dehumanization goes both ways.

Yes...because all democrats are perfectly fine with people being in this country ILLEGALLY. Do you know what illegal means? What part of the word 'illegal' do you not comprehend?

by Anonymousreply 8306/14/2013

I don't remember how old I was, but was laying in bed and had just rubbed one out. I had cum all over my hand when my mother opened my door to come in and say good night. She wanted to hug me so I put my one clean hand up and around her and hid my cum covered hand under the blankets.

by Anonymousreply 8406/14/2013

[quote]She wanted to hug me so I put my one clean hand up and around her and hid my cum covered hand under the blankets.

What do you think she may have done, had you wiped your cum hand on her face? (mouth)

by Anonymousreply 8506/14/2013

I only was caught once masturbating. It's funny not because of what happened, but how I masturbated afterwards. My brother opened the door to my room while I was masturbating and laughed. He made fun of me because at the time I was only big enough to masturbate with two fingers.

I just remember for a long time after that masturbating on the floor with my feet up against the door. I guess I was traumatized.

by Anonymousreply 8606/14/2013

Especially, R86,since you still to this day have to use two fingers. Very traumatizing.

by Anonymousreply 8706/14/2013

At 1:10

by Anonymousreply 8806/15/2013

I remember getting caught by my Mom when I was like 13 or so. I wasn't allowed to lock my door and she just barged in - thankfully I was doing it under the blanket, but she knew what I was doing and got all belligerent about it and demanded that I show her that I wasn't naked and the blankets. I was only in my underwear and had them pulled down a little so I lifted the blanket right where the underwear were even though it must have been obvious they weren't exactly where they were supposed to be. I remember I was jerking off to a picture of Kyle MacLachlan shirtless in Dune, of all things.

Anyway I haven't thought of that in years, this thread reminded me of it, and typing it out I am really just now realizing how extraordinarily fucked up and invasive it was of my mother to do all that.

by Anonymousreply 8906/15/2013

Well, R89, he is the Kwisatz Haderach! Who can blame you?

by Anonymousreply 9006/15/2013

When I was a kid my face used to turn beat red whenever I'd jerk off, so it was already a dead giveaway. I remember always coming downstairs to my mom asking, "Why is your face all red??" Also one time I remember her coming into my bedroom and saying, "It smells like cum in here!" in an almost angry voice. She's a lunatic.

by Anonymousreply 9106/15/2013

[quote]Wow [R63], you had a very restrained, snobbish, or prudish upbringing if those things were a source of embarrassment for you

Huh? Those things would be embarrassing for just about anyone. What kind of whorish upbringing did you have where you wouldn't have been fazed?

by Anonymousreply 9206/15/2013

[quote]Huh? Those things would be embarrassing for just about anyone. What kind of whorish upbringing did you have where you wouldn't have been fazed?

I agree! R74 is a whore, darlin'!

by Anonymousreply 9306/15/2013

>>"It smells like cum in here!" in an almost angry voice.

My Gawd. I can't even imagine such words coming out of my mother's mouth.

by Anonymousreply 9406/15/2013

Some awful mothers in this thread.

by Anonymousreply 9506/17/2013

I once had a straight Mexican friend of mine staying, sleeping on the floor, with me for a couple of months while he looked for work. My house was a studio (one room) really tiny and we got used to seeing each other naked and sometimes wanked off to porn together. He used to come like a fountain 6 or 7 foot shots across the room. One time a friend of mine came over to visit and we sat outside on the patio and he was inside watching television. After a while he left and she and I decided to go in a watch a movie. She was a frequent visitor to my house and flopped down on my bed while I sat in the arm chair. After a moment she said "do you have a cold?" I said "no, why?" "because there's some wet on your pillow!" She smelled it and said "it's come!" and I realized what had happened. Fortunately she laughed it off and laid down on the same pillow and watched the movie.

by Anonymousreply 9606/17/2013

I used to jerk off in this old bed. I am a far shooter, so most of the time, I would shoot to the headboard. Later, I got a new bed and gave my old bed to a colleague, a lady in her late fifties. She wanted the bed for her daughter who just graduated from college.

When I carried the headboard to her car, under the sunlight, I could see layers of streaks which were not visible inside the house. The headboard was walnut, I think.

I was so embarrassed. The fortunate thing was, she didn't have very good eyesights. She never mentioned anything to me later. But I am sure those streaks would not escape her daughter's eyes.

by Anonymousreply 9706/17/2013

r69, being against illegal immigration isn't owned by the Republican party. Every country I've been to has had immigration rules and more strictly adhered to than Americas.

by Anonymousreply 9806/17/2013

Girl... I was 15, my parents went on a trip. I was watching my sisters who were 10 and 8. I was j-o-ing and one of my gonads ascended. I freaked out. My parents were gone for a week. I kept hoping it wasn't a big deal, but my sac was so sore, I finally FIVE MILES -- I was 15, no car -- to the local clinic. They did tests, etc., but it was obvious I was just too ... strenuous ... pleasuring myself. The big horror came when I hade to tell my mom that I had a follow-up appointment. I told her I "strained myself" lifting furniture in my room. Which would have been fine if I didn't insist she be in the room when the doctor gave his diagnosis. The thing was, I was sure I had testicle cancer. In fact, to this day I think everything is cancer. I don't know what to do about that .... Anyway. Cut to the most awful, awkward session with a doctor anyone would have. I was only 15, so I thought my mom had to be there with me. And he went on to talk about how masturbation could be a good thing, if not done too strenuously. And he recommended some books on the subject. I could have just died. My mother blanched, smiled an awful, painful smile, and tried to take it in stride. To this day, though whenever we talk about teen sex and teenage pregnancy, she always adds, "But you masturbated." For the love of God, who didn't masturbate? And why does she even worry about that? My brother had a baby that he had to give up for adoption, for God's sake, and she's shaming me for jerking off?

by Anonymousreply 9906/17/2013

That reads wrong. I wasn't watching my sisters and jacking off. I was in charge of them, in another room, when that happened.

by Anonymousreply 10006/17/2013

And again ... let me edit that: I had to walk five miles to the doctor's office.

by Anonymousreply 10106/17/2013

R83 sounds like a Christian.

by Anonymousreply 10206/17/2013

Why not put this here...

by Anonymousreply 10306/17/2013

[quote] "It smells like cum in here!" in an almost angry voice. She's a lunatic. ]

WTF?!?!?!??! Like R94, I could never imagine my mother saying that. Ever. And my mom is pretty crazy herself. Your mother sounds "fun"!

by Anonymousreply 10406/17/2013

It was not humiliating, but was the only time I was caught. I was 12 and my single mom used to pay a 16-year old neighbor boy to watch me overnight when she was "out on the town". My older siblings were grown and had moved out.

Dennis caught me naked in my bed, covered with Vaseline Intensive Care lotion. He asked me what I was doing and I had no idea other than that I was doing whatever I was doing. And yet I was beyond embarrassed. He joined in.

My mom used to wake us up in bed together, naked. She'd scold us for not wearing pajamas, then make breakfast. She had no freaking clue.

I used to let him fuck me in the ass, didn't really like it, but I loved him. He was my best friend for four years. His father used to beat him up for being "queer". Didn't know what that meant.

My brothers and sisters knew or suspected that we were more than friends. Dennis was treated like just another sibling. One of my brothers caught us jacking off together, which we did often. We gave him a bunch of weed to shut him up. That brother kept my "gay secret" for nearly a decade, but then was the one to out me.

Dennis joined the Army right after high school and simply disappeared. I remained in complete denial that I was gay until my second year in college.

by Anonymousreply 10506/17/2013

It's been a long, long time since I have laughed this hard at a DL thread.

It started with the OP, and R7, R8, R9, R10, kept it going.

This is a DataLounge Classic.

Thank you bitches for making me laugh ridiculously.

by Anonymousreply 10606/17/2013

R105, you were caught twice, not once. Dennis was the first one, then your brother.

by Anonymousreply 10706/18/2013

R99/R100 --

"Move along. There's nothing to see here" is very funny, in that context, so I'm going to do you a favor and put your mind at ease:

Everything is NOT cancer. Everything is cancer waiting to happen.

Personally, I can't count how many times I worried about finger tumors that turned out to have small slivers of wood in them. Then I finally GOT cancer. It wasn't so bad. But now every hiccough is a metastasis, until proven otherwise.

MY most humiliating masturbation experience involved my inability to figure out how to do it until someone showed me, when I was nineteen. To be more precise, a guy I'd picked up when I was nineteen showed me. It was one of several things that I did that night for the first time. But I'd already figured out how the other ones worked.

by Anonymousreply 10806/18/2013


by Anonymousreply 10908/17/2013

Not mine, but on one the early editions of the Graham Norton Show in the UK an Australian woman in the audience told how she economised by using the same bathwater after her son had got out of it.

She mentioned that she noticed on one occasion white suds around one end of the bath - except they were not suds. Cue audience howls of laughter mixed with disgust only for the camera to pan right in on her son who was sitting next to his mother. Poor kid.

by Anonymousreply 11008/17/2013

Whu... What!? The same bath water? That's disgusting!

How old was her son!? Crikey, the cow is lucky she didn't end up bearing her own grandkid!

by Anonymousreply 11108/17/2013

I was jerkin' off with headphones on and my eyes closed when my old man walked in on me. My spunk flew five feet and splattered on the lapel of his business suit. He called me champ and said I shoot like a porn star.

by Anonymousreply 11208/17/2013

This is as close as I've ever come to a humiliating masturbation experience, thank God. We lived in an ultra-modern house. Very open floor plan. Very few walls and doors. But the showstopper was a winding staircase that went up three floors and had a large atrium in between. So everything that was going on on the first floor you could hear on the third floor. My room was on the third floor where there was only a divider that sectioned off my room. Above that was empty space that ended with a vaulted here I am a 40 year old grown man at a dinner party with both my boyfriend and my mother and I'm describing the house to the other guests and I get to the part about the atrium and being able to hear everything downstairs and my flaky-assed boyfriend asks, "Is that why you're so quiet when you cum?" I nearly died. I nearly DIED!!!!! Because the answer is YES, dummy!

by Anonymousreply 11308/17/2013

R113, that's hilarious! I love your boyfriend.

by Anonymousreply 11408/17/2013

R83 / R98 eats geriatric feces.

by Anonymousreply 11508/17/2013


by Anonymousreply 11602/27/2014

It was right after I saw the film Chicago when I was in 7th grade. I came home, went to the family computer in the office, and decided I need to relieve myself. My Dad had put parental controls on everything back then, so normal porn was off limits, so I found a pic of that yummy James Marsden shirtless in the shower with a bar of soap in this mouth and started going to town.

I usually turned off the fan and listened really closely when I jerked off, cause the office door didn't lock and anyone could bust in. Well, that night, my Mom did. She freaked out and walked in fast enough to get a quick look at what I was jerking off to.

I've never turned so red in my life. She started shrieking and said something like "Is that a man?" I'm pretty sure I said "I was just trying something." and then she came back with "Did have have breasts? It looked like you put breasts on him." I didn't know what to say and figured it was my Mom's way of trying to soften the blow of finding her son jerking off to a dude. I said "Yeah. I put them on him." I figured it might help.

We've never discussed it since.

by Anonymousreply 11702/27/2014

I am a woman, but I thought I'd chime in.

A couple years ago, I was helping my parents with several home renovation projects. One project entailed cleaning out my older brother's bedroom and turning it into a guest bedroom/sewing room for my mom. My brother is an adult and had moved out, but his bedroom was still completely intact and looked like a kid still lived there and he had no interest in helping anyone clean it out. He had a huge captain's bed and I found so many cum rags behind it, in it, and in the drawers.

I did catch him beating off once to a Victoria Secret catalog when he was a teen. He didn't lock the bathroom door and I didn't know anyone was in there. Around the same era, he hid in the closet the same bathroom and watched me pee once.

by Anonymousreply 11802/27/2014

I was about 13 and lying on the couch in the living room watching Magnum P.I. and getting all worked up over Tom Selleck. My mother was home but in the kitchen, so I lay down and pressed myself up against the cushions to 'hide' while I jerked off quickly whilst fantasising about Tom's hairy chest and legs. Just as I blew, I heard a noise and looked up over the couch to see my mother trying to sneak out of the room before I saw I was busted.

Neither of us acknowledged it but it took a while for me to stop feeling awkward in her presence.

by Anonymousreply 11902/27/2014

While watching an Ethel Merman concert video.

by Anonymousreply 12002/27/2014

Female here. Maybe not humiliating, but memorable.

In high school our senior class trip was to Disney World. We stayed at a hotel with the requisite pool. One day there, our class had pretty much taken over the pool. I was one of a handful of kids in the pool, while most were hanging out around it, or horsing around, with the teacher chaperones scattered around as well.

I already knew I could get off using jet streams that are scattered around in-ground pools (and hot tubs). The jets in this pool were conveniently located right at the level of my pelvis. So I played it very casually as I leaned my body up against the wall of the pool in the deep end, holding on to the edge; so I could look like I was just hanging out.

Just as I was getting to climax, one of my male friends swims up beside me, and starts talking. I have no idea what he said, as I was in a light-headed stupor and wishing he weren't there as I enjoyed my little private moment. But, I had to try to appear to acknowledge him. I didn't encourage any further conversation and he swam away.

I convinced myself he was too naive to conceive of what I was up to, and I didn't worry too much. I felt that no one but me was aware of this use of pool jets! But even if they were, I reasoned that no one would suspect goody two-shoes me to be doing something like this.

by Anonymousreply 12102/27/2014

R117, how could anyone think that "you put breasts on" this? (See link)

by Anonymousreply 12202/27/2014

That's what I was wondering, too. Either my Mom saw the picture super quick or she saw it perfectly fine and was trying to not deal with the fact her son was a big homo. I'll never understand her. I still haven't officially come out to her, but I've never been on a date, my best friends are girls, and I do musical theatre, so she can figure it out on her own. She's a religious freak anyway and no good will ever come from her knowing. I might tell her when I'm 40.

by Anonymousreply 12302/27/2014

"I was 'alone'..."

by Anonymousreply 12402/27/2014

[quote] "It looked like you put breasts on him."

What does that even mean? Like she thought you photoshopped tits on him?

by Anonymousreply 12502/27/2014

R122 - looks like he's in pain.

by Anonymousreply 12603/05/2014

I never got caught masturbating, but until about 15, my sister was always trying to catch me. I'm not sure what her problem was, but I lost count the number of times she burst into my room shouting "Why is this door closed?" only to find me reading, or listening to my walkman. She has a son, I really pity that boy when he hits puberty.

by Anonymousreply 12703/05/2014

I jerked off on the chair of a hot colleague at work. I didn't realize that cum stain wouldn't come out of the cheap fabric they use on office chairs, so I had to do some frantic switching to make sure the stained chair went to a different department where I didn't know anyone.

by Anonymousreply 12803/05/2014

[quote]I jerked off on the chair of a hot colleague at work. I didn't realize that cum stain wouldn't come out of the cheap fabric they use on office chairs, so I had to do some frantic switching to make sure the stained chair went to a different department where I didn't know anyone.

I smell Comet.

by Anonymousreply 12903/05/2014

I really have no idea what my mother meant with the breasts comment. It was weird. She was in such a state of shock that she either truly thought she saw breasts or was trying to see if I was gay and lying. I dunno. My mom is incredibly weird.

by Anonymousreply 13003/05/2014

Your poor mother, OP. One son's a sociopath, the other's an idiot.

by Anonymousreply 13103/05/2014


by Anonymousreply 13203/05/2014

R132, why did you bump this thread a mere nine minutes after the last post? Jerk!

by Anonymousreply 13303/05/2014

I BUMP against the machine!

by Anonymousreply 13403/05/2014

I like big bumps and I can not lie. You other brothers can't deny

by Anonymousreply 13503/05/2014

[quote]I was j-o-ing and one of my gonads ascended.

Holy shit!

I've heard of yo-yoing gonads before, but assumed it just happened randomly on its own! LMFAO!

by Anonymousreply 13603/05/2014

[quote]I was j-o-ing and one of my gonads ascended.

I never heard of that happening.

by Anonymousreply 13703/10/2014

R128,how was that embarrassing?

by Anonymousreply 13803/12/2014

[quote]I am really just now realizing how extraordinarily fucked up and invasive it was of my mother to do all that.

Was that the only time she was so invasive?

by Anonymousreply 13903/20/2014

Balls for days!

by Anonymousreply 14003/20/2014

[quote] "Gross [R57] and [R60]. Why don't YOU wash your walls?"

For the same reason they don't bathe, use deodorant, or brush their teeth: To attract skanky hustlers, drug addicts and vagrants to their bed in their mother's basement. The sex is too good to wreck with good hygiene.

by Anonymousreply 14103/20/2014

[quote]Well, the cum spots on the wall were nothing short of plentiful.

That's gross.

by Anonymousreply 14203/21/2014

A lot of pushy mother stories in this thread - probably Fundie fraus.

by Anonymousreply 14303/23/2014

When I was in Junior High, I used to hump my mattress everyday after school. I kept my jeans and underwear on. I did it so much I rubbed my penis raw. My mother was doing laundry and asked me why there was blood on all my underwear.

by Anonymousreply 14403/23/2014

I was at my dad's for holiday in Cambodia when O felt the urge on this beautiful sunny day, so I decided to go to the terrace to release the urge unaware there was cctv. I did my business out in the open and finished and felt really good and went about my day as usual. Went back to the terrace a few days later and noticed the cctv.FML.I now notice the guards pointing at me and laughing making me feel so shit.Most humiliating experience of my life...yet

by Anonymousreply 14508/01/2014

I love that, R145.

by Anonymousreply 14608/01/2014

[quote][R132], why did you bump this thread a mere nine minutes after the last post? Jerk!

I'm not r132, but I'm embarrassed by what a crazed control freak you are. Who gives a shit whether someone bumped it or not?

Get a life, Blanche.

by Anonymousreply 14708/01/2014

[quote]I remember her coming into my bedroom and saying, "It smells like cum in here!" in an almost angry voice.

No doubt you were glad to get away from her when you were grown.

by Anonymousreply 14808/02/2014


by Anonymousreply 14908/04/2014

This thread is better and less polarizing.

Here is Bronze Age Gay's story:

[quote] Not me(I swear!), but a guy I knew in the service jacked off for an entire 3 day weekend. He used plenty of K-Y jelly, but even more copious amounts of weed. All the skin on his cock sloughed off. He was, shall we say, "incapacitated" for a few months. Had to be hospitalized, and dermatologists and plastic surgery types work on him judiciously. The story made the rounds of the hospital, strangely enough he was not embarrassed to talk about it. Military medics are a strange breed.

by Anonymousreply 15011/28/2014

It almost hurts to read that story at R150

by Anonymousreply 15112/04/2014

OP, I hope you tell people your brother fucked you from age 10 to 13.

by Anonymousreply 15212/04/2014

Bill Cosby

by Anonymousreply 15312/04/2014

Also from the other thread:

I grew up in a college town. One summer these two hot college studs rented out a garage a few blocks away. They seemed to be outside all summer washing their car, totally shirtless. They had amazing upper bodies and obviously enjoyed showing them off. I used to ride my bike past their garage just to get a look a them. One time I was so horned up, I started jerking myself off through my shorts, while on the bike. As I exploded, I lost control of the bike, which went up a curb and I crashed into a white picket fence.

by Anonymousreply 15412/05/2014

Bump for more!

by Anonymousreply 15512/30/2014


by Anonymousreply 15602/23/2015

getting "caught" in 7th grade whacking IN CLASS! i know, i know! i was always horned up then ( i would be daydreaming out the window remember the recent rerun of batman i just saw and all that homoeroticness of a particular episode or remembering a steve reeves movie or clint walker appearance on tv) and i sat in the last row in the last seat and there used to be this fellow student with the best legs and ass (yes even at that age!) who would sit in the front row but with his legs spread out as he slouched down.

while i was behind him and couldn't see his great butt and could only make out the "back" of his stretched wide legs, the idea that he was "spread out like this, his legs" turned me on, so i went to down on myself watching him...

the teacher looked up as she sat at her desk and had the strangest expression on her face when she said outloud to me "so and so, what are you doing?' thank goodness i was able to superfast pull my hand out of my pants so NO other kids saw what i was doing? the teacher never said anything to me personally though? surely she DID KNOW what i was doing?

however, i DID get caught whacking in class just 1 more time by some kid who sat next to me.. it was super super embarassing and mean how he told everyone that would listen and i was the joke of the class for a long time! talk about messing up your mind and self esteem! even years later, when we were in high school and even later, i would be utterly embarassed that he and those he told knew what i did if and when i saw them walking past me on campus or just in life in general. took a long, long time to get over it!

by Anonymousreply 15702/23/2015


by Anonymousreply 15803/17/2016
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