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Ambiguous feelings about rape experience

I was out at boarding school, and didn't really have any problems with it, apart from one group of friends/roommates who were openly hostile and taunted me sometimes. Once, when I was 15, me and my roomates had to be dispersed to other rooms for 2 weeks or so, because of some building work . As luck would have it, I ended up with the jerks.

The first 2 days we just kept our distance, and didn't talk much to each other. But on the second evening. when I was lying in bed, one of them sat down next to me, and started "playfully" slapping my face. I said "what the hell are you doing?" and told him to piss of, but he continued. I grabbed his hand, but he wrested it free, and then gave me a real, hard slap. I shouted "What the fuck?" - then he said "Now!", and 2 of the others grabbed me.

He said "Turn him over",which they did. One held me down at my arms and shoulders, the other held my feet. He stuffed a pair of socks in my mouth, and I heard him slip out of his bottoms. Then he straddled me, pulled down mine, and said "Let's see how good you are, faggot". He lubed himself with spit, and fucked me in the ass. Me being a virgin, and him using just spit (though lots of it), it took him a while till he had successfully entered me. But the others held me down till he had achieved his mission to completion. After pulling out, he said, "Thank you, baby", which got a laugh.

When he was done, the one holding my feet took his place (and the fourth guy, who'd just been watching until then, took over my feet). I got fucked by all 4 of them, one after the other. As the third guy was fucking me, I came, which they noticed -they snickered and one of them said "I think he likes you best" to the one fucking me. When they were all done and finally let go of me, I got a slap on the ass, and then they all went to bed as if nothing had happened.

The next day, I had to wash cum and shit stains out of my bottoms.

They left me alone the rest of the 2 weeks. Until the last evening before I returned back to my old room, when they all lined up at my bed. One of them had a tube of cream in his hand (having learned from the first experience). The boy who had busted my cherry said "Turn over and pull down your trousers; we're stronger than you, anyway". So I did it, and they gang-raped me for the second time. This time only three of them fucked me, though. The fourth had decided he wasn't that keen on anal, so I had to suck him off (and swallow his cum) instead. (Afterward, still panting, he said "Good job" and "How did you like the taste of me, faggot?".)

On the one hand, I obviously hated the whole experience - because I hated them, and because it was degrading and somewhat painful. But on the other, I was - and still am - turned on by it, because I was physically attracted to all of them to one degree or another (and also [italic]because[/italic] it was degrading...)

by Anonymousreply 6506/15/2013

0.5/10, for effort.

by Anonymousreply 105/28/2013

It does have a contrived feeling to it, doesn't it R1. After they raped you for the first time, why didn't you ask for room reassignment? Wouldn't it uncomfortable to awkward for you to be around them after the incident.

by Anonymousreply 205/28/2013

The OP only wishes this happened.

by Anonymousreply 305/28/2013

Why didn't you just write "I'm a closet case and this is my fantasy."

by Anonymousreply 405/28/2013

[quote]I heard him slip out of his bottoms.

Who the fuck talks like that?

by Anonymousreply 505/28/2013

Where did you go to school, Riker's Island?

I hope the socks they shoved in your mouth were at least clean.

by Anonymousreply 605/28/2013

OP, I've always wondered about the 'sock stuffed in a mouth' things---you couldn't just spit it out?

by Anonymousreply 705/28/2013

This never happened.

This thread is useless without pictures.

You in danger, gurrrrrl!

The EST strikes again.

by Anonymousreply 805/28/2013

Still, kind of hot as porn. I love prep school rape stories.

by Anonymousreply 905/28/2013

lol whatever

by Anonymousreply 1005/28/2013

lol whatever

by Anonymousreply 1105/28/2013

Hmmm, this story sounds awfully familiar.

by Anonymousreply 1205/28/2013

I'm a bit surprised that so many assume it to be a fantasy - is it really such "fantasy material"?

I guess I thought it wasn't worth the trouble for just the 2 weeks, r2. And we just ignored each other - we didn't really have to interact awkwardly.

Well, there was a "feet smell", r6, but I don't know if it came from the socks, or if it was because my face was next to the feet of the boys holding down my arms.

No, my mouth was too filled up, r7.

by Anonymousreply 1305/28/2013

Oh for fucks sake

by Anonymousreply 1405/28/2013

I must say, OP/troll? strikes the right note of servility in his replies at R13. Despite the non-acceptance and scorn he is getting, he feels he MUST answer.

by Anonymousreply 1505/28/2013

How inappropriate

by Anonymousreply 1605/28/2013

Oh, Whoopie, just stop.

by Anonymousreply 1705/28/2013

Reminds me of the time the entire football team pulled this little queen into the locker room and pulled a train rape on my virgin anus. All 28 of them.

by Anonymousreply 1805/28/2013

But it's true!

I was r-r-r-RAPED!!!!

by Anonymousreply 1905/28/2013

And then you woke up.

by Anonymousreply 2005/28/2013

It wasn't rape, rape

by Anonymousreply 2105/28/2013

This was Deerfield Academy, right? You should have turned them in.

by Anonymousreply 2205/28/2013

OPs passage reads like a bad gay pulp novel.

by Anonymousreply 2305/28/2013

I'm curious, r22 - what's your reasoning behind this? OP didn't provide any details to narrow down the school.

by Anonymousreply 2405/28/2013

R19, please. A real rape victim would not post the lurid details on a public forum, especially on DL.

by Anonymousreply 2505/28/2013

This is a rape fantasy. No one would ever have fond memories of actually being raped.

It could sort of be like a Welcome To The Dollhouse "rape" where children who are in actuality attracted to one another act out a rape fantasy, though even in that scenario the children were using adult language (and poses) that they didn't really understand the meaning of to appear more mature, worldly and superior to others than they actually were.

This mostly seems like a rape fantasy.

by Anonymousreply 2605/28/2013

OP, if this happened to me at that age with my hormones rushing, I would feel the same mix of hatred and eroticism about it. The truth is that it is not a defense to rape that one's victim became sexually excited by it. Being turned on is not the same as consenting. And, as with pedophilia, it is not at all uncommon for children to feel erotically fixated on the experience and even in some cases to have actually enjoyed the sensations. That doesn't make it right.

You are entitled to have all your feelings about what happened to you.

by Anonymousreply 2705/28/2013

OP, were you in a reformatory?

I went to an all-male boarding school in Switzerland and while there was plenty of sex, none of it was forced.

by Anonymousreply 2805/28/2013

Can't rape the willing.

by Anonymousreply 2905/28/2013

Oh, great, now I have a fucking boner.

by Anonymousreply 3005/28/2013

Boarding school horror stories? Take it to Town & Country, Muffy!!!

by Anonymousreply 3105/28/2013

Dear Mandate Reader's Forum,

I never dreamed I'd be writing to you, but the most shocking memories from prep school keep resurfacing. You'll never guess what happened to me back then...

by Anonymousreply 3205/28/2013

You had an erection AND had a orgasm while being raped? Ok then.

by Anonymousreply 3305/28/2013

I think you mean "ambivalent," OP.

by Anonymousreply 3405/28/2013

OP is obviously a townie. That's why boarding schools shouldn't allow students whose families can't afford full tuition.


by Anonymousreply 3505/28/2013

But Gwyneth, you didn't go to a boarding school. You went to Spence.

by Anonymousreply 3605/28/2013

[quote]After pulling out, he said, "Thank you, baby", which got a laugh.

It's so sad what's considered a good punchline these days.

by Anonymousreply 3705/28/2013

I think OP meant "Ambidextrous feelings."

by Anonymousreply 3805/28/2013

Good thing you're a whore, op, because in this case it worked out quite well for all of you!

by Anonymousreply 3905/28/2013

Bottoms??????? LMFAO

by Anonymousreply 4005/28/2013

I was r-r-r-raped, by a g-g-g-ghost.

by Anonymousreply 4105/28/2013

[quote]I heard him slip out of his bottoms

Correction: "They all pulled down their Y-fronts. When I saw their drooling dicks I knew I was going to be fucked."

by Anonymousreply 4205/28/2013

Thanks for sharing your Early Sexual Trauma with us, OP. I hope you've now found the release you were looking for.

by Anonymousreply 4305/28/2013

I thought this thread would be about a priest updating his cv...

by Anonymousreply 4405/28/2013

[quote]I'm a bit surprised that so many assume it to be a fantasy - is it really such "fantasy material"?

Perhaps because you describe your rape as if it were taken from a romance novel. Reads like pure fiction.

by Anonymousreply 4505/28/2013

It's not unheard of for rape victims to experience physical pleasure during the experience. Sex feels good (unless you're in pain)!

If you're telling the truth, OP, then I'm sorry it happened and urge you to get therapy.

by Anonymousreply 4605/28/2013

Thanks for being concerend, r46 - but I don't think I am traumatized by it. I just posted it because I consider it an interesting experience. (Of course, I also know that it's a highly unrepresentative one, and I don't mean to trivialize rape in general in any way.)

by Anonymousreply 4705/29/2013

(concerend = concerned)

by Anonymousreply 4805/29/2013

But OP, did they really have to hold you down? That's why your story, at best, sounds like sexual play and not rape. Did you go to the authorities? You wouldn't have been able to stay in that room if you had truly been violated.

And for R46: rape is not a sexual act. It is an act of violence.

by Anonymousreply 4905/29/2013

Why did you wait a day until washing cum and shit out of your "bottoms"?

Were you still wearing them?

by Anonymousreply 5005/29/2013

I want to state, this isn't about putting OP on trial. You are free to define this experience as you wish. But I would suggest that perhaps the reason your feelings about it are ambiguous and you don't feel particularly traumatised by what you're more or less describing as a double gang rape is because there was a tacit consent between you and these four boys, at a time in your development when a lot of young boys are exploring their sexuality and impulses.

On the surface this seems like an attack but given the level of arousal amongst the five of you, the fact that you came, the fact that the entire act was repeated a week or so later (almost like a date), suggests that you were all consenting to sexual play in which you were the sub and they were the doms (though given the leader in their group had obviously been dominated by thoughts of penetrating you, it could be said you were the dom to whom they submitted - subconsciously, they were trying to please you).

The fact that there were no consequences here, no fear that you would go to the authorities, either within the school or locality, also suggests that they knew you wouldn't put up a fight; that they repeated the act suggests they knew you wanted it. This seems more like an outburst of teenage hormones than an act of abuse in which they sought to exert power over you; they were seeking to pleasure you as much as you were them.

I think that's why you never experienced any trauma or regret over these occurrences. Though unexpected, it was a welcomed experience. Did you ever submit to group sex after these encounters? Are you still aroused by thoughts of being gang banged?

by Anonymousreply 5105/29/2013

r51 was one of the rapists.

by Anonymousreply 5205/29/2013

I just pulled them up afterwards and slept in them (which was how they got dirty in the first place) - then I washed them the next day at the first opportunity, r50.

I see what you're saying, r51, but I don't think it quite fits.

It was definitely a power thing for them. As I said, they had (as a group) always been hostile to me, and I don't think they'd even have wanted to do it if they had seen it as more or less consensual (I guess it also had to be an act of violence/"punishment" rather than just sex, so as not to be too "gay", you know).

And I did struggle against them (the first time) and, at least on one level, genuinely didn't want it to happen (both times) - it's just that on another level, I also took pleasure from it (and still do from the memory). I know that this sounds like classic rape apologism - it just happened to be true in this singular, very specific case.

I haven't been gangbanged since (just had a threesome where I bottomed for 2 guys), but I do sometimes fantasize about it.

by Anonymousreply 5305/29/2013

What did they look like, OP? Describe each one, please.

by Anonymousreply 5405/29/2013

You were raped and you liked it? (You said you cum)Then it wasn't a rape.


by Anonymousreply 5505/29/2013

Did Handjobs reject this fine work of fiction? You should really be paid for your efforts.

by Anonymousreply 5605/29/2013

Here you go, r54.

- The "leader" was the best-looking one - there's a current actor who looks just like him, so I'll just post a pic.

The rest:

- middle-parted hair, full, protruding lips, "puberty stache"

- small but muscled, soft round face, constant smirk

- glasses, pale, prominent nose, red lips

by Anonymousreply 5705/29/2013

[quote]You are free to define this experience as you wish.

OK! I define it as



because that's what it was!

by Anonymousreply 5805/29/2013

Thanks, OP.

by Anonymousreply 5905/29/2013

[quote]I went to an all-male boarding school in Switzerland and while there was plenty of sex, none of it was forced.

Details, r28?

by Anonymousreply 6005/29/2013

OP, did any of them have yellowish colored skin at all?

by Anonymousreply 6105/29/2013

And then, that night, I saw him looking down at me that way. We got down on our knees to pray for strength. I smelled the whiskey on his breath. Then he took me. He took me, with the stink of filthy roadhouse whiskey on his breath, and I liked it. I liked it! With all that dirty touching of his hands all over me.

by Anonymousreply 6205/29/2013

We are so fucking tedious sometimes.

by Anonymousreply 6305/29/2013


by Anonymousreply 6406/10/2013

Do you still jerk off to it, OP?

by Anonymousreply 6506/15/2013
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