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Mrs. Alfred Steele here

My friends call me "Pally." My maid calls me "Joan."

And YOU can call me anything....but box office poison.

Any questions? I've got some time to kill before my ungrateful brat comes home from boarding school....

by Anonymousreply 7609/17/2014

What's the best way to prepare sowsage?

by Anonymousreply 105/22/2013

Which of your four husbands would you call, "The Red Weirdo?"

by Anonymousreply 205/22/2013

What do you have against rhubarb?

by Anonymousreply 305/22/2013

Is it true that your pubic hair goes all the way up your back?

by Anonymousreply 405/22/2013

Do you still use powdered cleanser or have you switch to Soft Scrub or Cillit Bang?

by Anonymousreply 505/22/2013

r4 --

You made me guffaw. Thanks!

by Anonymousreply 605/22/2013

What is this Pepsi Max shit? it's dreadful!

by Anonymousreply 705/23/2013

Did they ever take down that "bitch of a bearing wall?"

by Anonymousreply 805/23/2013

Why did you release the hounds on me when I came to visit?

by Anonymousreply 905/23/2013

How was Marilyn Monroe's pussy-eating technique?

by Anonymousreply 1005/23/2013

"Yes, I do know where to find the booze and boys".

by Anonymousreply 1105/23/2013

How come you never promoted Milk and Pepsi?

by Anonymousreply 1205/23/2013

Why was al found dead at the bottom of the stairs in the apartment. Hmm?

by Anonymousreply 1305/23/2013

Did the kids used to taunt you with Lucille La Sewer?

by Anonymousreply 1405/23/2013

Loved you in "The Women" a real yuk-fest

by Anonymousreply 1505/23/2013

What type of broom would you recommend for sweeping a poor widow under the carpet?

by Anonymousreply 1605/23/2013

Christina...Uncle Greg died. Hand Mommie her flask, please.

by Anonymousreply 1705/23/2013

I'm not mad at you, I'm mad at the dirt.

by Anonymousreply 1805/24/2013

Why did you ask me to please leave the room? I didn't need anything from Carol-Ann.

by Anonymousreply 1905/24/2013

According to my daughter, I insisted all her scout friends call me "Stinky". Feel free to join in.

by Anonymousreply 2005/24/2013

Barbara, YOU know why I asked you to leave the room.

Your name ISN'T really Barbara Bennett. It's Cheryl, and your pussy STINKS.

Carol-Ann had some Lysol for you....but no, we had to suffer in silence.

by Anonymousreply 2105/24/2013

Jesus Christ! Look at this broad! The suit matches the blouse which matches the shoes which matches the turban which matches the gloves which matches the purse! SHIT! She looks like she just came out of a fire sale at Macy's basement.

by Anonymousreply 2205/24/2013

Although I wouldn’t piss on you if you were on fire, I understand that you have slept with every male star at MGM except Lassie.

People ask why I am so good at playing bitches; I think it’s because I’m not a bitch. Joan, dear, is that why you always play ladies?

You should never say bad things about the dead, you should only say good . . . Joan Crawford is dead. Good.

by Anonymousreply 2305/24/2013

When, precisely, was your first time at the rodeo?

by Anonymousreply 2405/24/2013

Can I come over for a Spanish dinner?

by Anonymousreply 2505/24/2013

Louis B. Mayer: sizemeat or tinymeat?

by Anonymousreply 2605/24/2013

[quote] Louis B. Mayer: sizemeat or tinymeat?

Kosher meat!

by Anonymousreply 2705/24/2013

Mrs. Steele, you are a NEGATIVE PERSON. I want to talk about POSITIVE THINGS.

by Anonymousreply 2805/24/2013

R28 Miss Dunaway, if I hear about that Marlon Brando movie once more I'm afraid I'll vomit.

Stifle it, honey.

by Anonymousreply 2905/24/2013

Mrs. Steele,

A few questions, please, I beg you:

1. Do you approve of the new twist-off bottle caps for Pepsi?

2. 12 oz or 16 oz?

3. Did you ever peg any of your husbands?

4. Do you use bay leaves in your ragout sauce?

5. Do you ever sneak the risky combination of bleach and ammonia to get the floors extra clean?

6. If a true and accurate tribute film were to be prepared in your honor, aside from yourself, is there anyone you could see playing the role of the incomparable "Miss Joan Crawford"?

Thank you. A million thank yous. I am

Your obedient fan forever,

Shelly Rattscanter

President, Joan Crawford Fan Club, East Waukegan Chapter

by Anonymousreply 3005/24/2013

Shelly, Darling-

Thank you for your kind note. I will quickly answer your questions.

1) Approve? I suggested it! I asked myself one day when Helga could not find a bottle opener "Why is my goddamned Pepsi harder to open than my goddamned bottle of Smirnoff?"

2) As a business person, and Pepsi board member who has not been swept under the rug quite yet, I say 12 ounces. It is possible, even likely, that Mr & Mrs America would split the 16 ounce into 2 8 ounce servings, but with the 12 ounce bottle, each person has their own.

3) I would not have married a man who would have allowed that.

4) Absolutely.

5) Chemicals are over rated. They are for lazy, spoiled people. Comet and elbow grease are under rated.

6) Angelina Jolie if she had no tattoos and still had both breasts. I do have a soft spot for that girl. If I were to send her any warning down from heaven, it would be she should drown Shiloh before 2038..... his/her book will make my ungrateful brat's collection of lies look like a loving tribute.

Thank you for your interest my dear, and keep up your wonderful work.

Yours truly, Joan

by Anonymousreply 3105/25/2013

Mrs. Steele, I'm having the girls over for Canasta and I could sure use some original suggestions for canapes. Also, do you have a good recipe for fruit punch? It can have alcohol in it so long as there isn't too much. We're mostly Lutherans.

by Anonymousreply 3205/25/2013

[quote]What is this Pepsi Max shit? it's dreadful!

Crystal Pepsi anyone?

by Anonymousreply 3305/25/2013

Hello Mrs. Steele. Do you blame that sexually liberal Mrs. Chadwick for the way Christina turned out? I too think she was under-reacting.

by Anonymousreply 3405/25/2013

R31 *I* am Mrs. Alfred Steele. You're just a cheap imitation.

R34 Please, Amy, get a haircut. That fall of fake curls is so 1968.

by Anonymousreply 3505/25/2013

Loved you in TROG. In fact, I think it may have been your most subtle performance.

by Anonymousreply 3605/25/2013

Mrs Steele, could expand on your infamous comment regarding Lucille Ball:

[quote]And they say [italic]I'm[/italic] a bitch.

Was she going to be nice to you, but Gary talked her out of it?

by Anonymousreply 3705/25/2013

Mrs. Steele,

It seemed like Alfred wasn't much interested in the fabric choices for the Fifth Avenue apartment. Which of those swatches did you wind up picking?

by Anonymousreply 3805/25/2013

Dearest Mrs. Steele,

I was talking with the girls - the "Joanettes" - about your wonderfully generous responses to my questions, and they, fans that they are, insisted (politely and with grace) that I perhaps tax your legendary good will just a bit to ask a few follow-ups. May I, please?

1. Were there any Charleston steps that you did not enjoy, or did you love them all? As the leading Charleston dancer in the world, you did them all beautifully. But did you particularly enjoy, for example, "strolling" over "shining"? And what did you think about "the jockey position"?

2. Ocean Liner or Transatlantic Aeroplane?

3. Was Miss Pickford really as mean to you as we hear, at first, when you and Mr. Fairbanks Jr. fell in love? We know she came to worship you later.

5. How are those adorable twins doing?

6. In love, Franchot Tone or Douglas Fairbanks, Jr. After Mr. Steele, of course.

7. What do you think of actresses who prostitute themselves, steal, hurt people in drunken car crashes, lie, cheat, falsify their pasts, date married men, have affairs, drink too much, and carry long vendettas? This last question is from Quentin, one of our only three male members, and sometimes I wonder about his sincerity.

A million thanks, plus one,

Shelly Rattscanter

President, Joan Crawford Fan Club, East Waukegan Chapter

by Anonymousreply 3905/25/2013

Suzy dear, May 26, 1958

Please come for cocktails Saturday night, promptly at 7:00. Billy Haines, and Jimmy, are in town for the weekend, staying at the Sherry Netherland, and I've decided to have a cozy sori'ee - just 8 of us. Alfred darling is in Brazil ,on business, as usual, so it will just be us four, and Van and his date, and of course my divine Adrian, who's in town designing costumes for a new Broadway show. He'll of course bring a stunning friend along too . It really will be a lovely, gay evening . I so hope you can come . I've had the maid set up 2 tables, should we decide to play bridge. Let me know as soon as you receive this, dearest.

Lovingly, Joan

by Anonymousreply 4005/25/2013

Is there room for one more on that date, Joan? I'd love to go!

by Anonymousreply 4105/25/2013


This ain't my first time at the ro-dee-ohhh...

by Anonymousreply 4205/25/2013

Could you really handle the socks?

by Anonymousreply 4305/25/2013

How long, exactly, has this bitch been dead?

by Anonymousreply 4405/25/2013

RE 44 - Obviously, before you were born, you arrogant little shit * 1977 - so 36 years

by Anonymousreply 4505/25/2013

RE 41 - Norma dear, you shit on me for years at MGM , where you slept with the boss, and stole all my roles, so for this one gathering dear, I will have to say no. Should we play bridge, we would have 1 extra. And though I always thought of you that way, as a glorified extra, it wouldn't be fair to the others.

As usual, wishing you, and your younger ski instructor husband, well. ( oh dear, like most, Ive forgotten his name again).I will be on the coast next month, and perhaps we can lunch at Bullocks Tea Room. Or not.



by Anonymousreply 4605/25/2013

For Christ's sake, Lucy. Don't you ever get tired of the struggle to get those eyes open with the pound of coal tar you've got on those lids? And fighting to hide those Marjorie Main hips and Boris Karloff shoulders under rubber tights and enough tulle to finish the cod harvest?

Don't get me wrong. You're such a swell gal. A real sport. Good to your friends, careful about the niceties. But, Jesus, honey. Can't you ever give it a rest? Doug told me you even have your depillator count your goddamned pubic hairs when she's waxing the overgrowth to make sure there's an exact match in the count on both sides, or you say you feel lopsided. Now, really. That's the kind of thing that's going to make you crazy, if you're not careful.

Yes, I had a few tonight. Bob was on one of his tears. Some grease jockey came by and about crapped when he saw I was home. So Bob is acting all put out. Like I care. But it's not the booze talking. It's the love, Joan. See? I used your star name, just like you want, honey.

So call me later in the week and let's have lunch. I know you're between things. I wish I was.

by Anonymousreply 4705/25/2013

Dear Mrs. Steele,

We are trying not to be impatient, and show the appropriate respect. We know you're very busy and that it is only your condescension that has behooved your gracious and prompt responses in the past.

But we're wondering just a little if maybe we've put too many eggs in the one cart. We fearfully devoted to you, but were thinking of combining our chapter of the Joan Crawford Fan Club with a second idol of all of ours, Bette Davis. And call it "The Bette Davis and Joan Crawford Fan Club, East Waukegan, Wisconsin."

So may we expect to hear from you soon, please? We are on tenterhooks, and would hate to have to change the stationery.

Devotedly yours,

Shelly Rattscanter

by Anonymousreply 4905/25/2013

[quote]Crystal Pepsi anyone?

Was Crystal Pepsi named after one of your most famous rôles, Crystal Allen in "The Women"?

by Anonymousreply 5005/25/2013

That’s it… right there… don’t stop. Fuck, baby, don’t stop.

by Anonymousreply 5105/25/2013

Dear Shelly and all the "Joanettes"-

I have been away from my desk and have not had a chance to answer you questions, so will try to answer them

1. I loved all the Charleston steps, but of course it was the dance's characteristic kicks that translated so well on film, and Our Dancing Daughters "kick-started" my career if you will.

2. I prefer an Ocean Liner for many reasons, not the least of which is the ocean air as opposed to the ultra low humidity of the air in a Transatlantic Aeroplane which dehydrates and ages the skin.

3. Miss Pickford was true Hollywood royalty, and as such slow to warm to a girl who was admittedly from humble beginnings. Few people knew it was she who taught me that all clothing had to be transferred to padded wooden hangers before being closeted rather than left on the wire hanger from the cleaners. Of course Miss Pickford had extensive staff, including a wardrobe maid, to do that for her

5. They are both doing quite well. I thank you for not mentioning those other two, Serpent's Tooth and her brother.

6. Gary Cooper.

7. My dear, I prefer not to discuss the behaviors of Bette Davis.

Thank you for your devotion my dear, and I wish you a Happy and memorable Memorial Day.

Yours always, Joan

by Anonymousreply 5205/25/2013

"How the hell do I know if the Widow Steele was a dyke or not? I never let her get that fucking close to me!"

by Anonymousreply 5305/25/2013

Bless You!

by Anonymousreply 5405/25/2013

For those of us who haven't been eligible for AARP membership for the past 50 years, can someone explain this thread and who the hell these people are? What the fuck is a pickford?

by Anonymousreply 5505/25/2013

Why is it that these know-nothing dolts who lack education or understanding of their cultural foundation insist on being upset that others are not as ignorant, dull, insipid and small as they are? They throw the age thing out as if they think that that explains their idiocy.

No, R55. You are an idiot because you are an idiot. And being an insufferably smug one, there is no hope for you except to irritate your betters and to spend your life with people similarly dull and uninformed.

Now go play a game or something, you "34 years young" cunt.

by Anonymousreply 5605/25/2013

Mrs. Steele:

1. Did you know Don Loper?

2. What the fuck is a limestone salad?

3. Will you sign my copy of "My Way of Life"?

Thank you and kindest regards,

Linda in East Orange, New Jersey

by Anonymousreply 5705/26/2013

R56, how long has it been since you left your room? Interaction would probably do you good.

by Anonymousreply 5805/26/2013

Dear Linda-

1) Yes, we all knew Don Loper. We also knew Mrs. Don Loper and totally understood why she began drinking at noon everyday.

2) A limestone salad is composed of a particular lettuce that grows in soil with a high lime content. Another name for it is "Bibb" lettuce. It is dressed with a simple dressing of pear vinegar, garlic and olive oil. You must remember that a typical salad of the day was a wedge of iceberg drenched with a mayonaisse based dressing and sprinkled with blue cheese. No vitamins and quite high in calories. Tina had, and has, a tendancy toward not just lying and a pathological need for attention, she also has a predisposition for thickness of the midriff and a love for creamy salad dressings, hence my taking control of the situation and ordering a meal that we now would recognize as Atkins friendly, steak and limestone salad. In fact, the diet he prescribed in his book and became famous for was one I devised many years before. High protein and salad greens.

3) Of course. When you bring it to me, I will point out the paragraph where Dr. Atkins stole his famous diet plan from.

Take care dear. Yours always, Joan

by Anonymousreply 5905/26/2013

Mrs Steele, I'm a big fan of your work in pictures, and I was wondering if you could help me out with an awkward social dilemma?:

I was having a dinner party last week, and my invitations specified formal dress, however one person (whom I shan't name) turned up in semi-formal dress.

I've tried leaving through my treasured copy of "My Way of Life" for advice on what to do with them, but it wasn't to be found. In future, how should I handle a situation like this?

by Anonymousreply 6005/26/2013

Dear R60 :

Why sit that guest down at the table with that piece of raw steak and serve it to that guest for every meal until it is consumed. If, in an act of defiance, that guest refuses to eat that raw steak, send that guest away to boarding school, to make that guest "UNDERSTAND."

by Anonymousreply 6105/26/2013

[quote]I was having a dinner party last week, and my invitations specified formal dress, however one person (whom I shan't name) turned up in semi-formal dress.

I'm not Mrs. Steele but everyone knows that in a situation such as this you take great pains to bestow lavish and frequent compliments upon your under-dressed guest, always speaking in terms of warmest praise.

"How lovely you look in that outfit! I do wish I were clever enough to make my own clothes."

by Anonymousreply 6205/26/2013

[quote]I was having a dinner party last week, and my invitations specified formal dress, however one person (whom I shan't name) turned up in semi-formal dress.

You simply say, "Bette, why don't you eat in the kitchen with the help like you do at home."

by Anonymousreply 6305/26/2013

Mrs. Steele,

Which truckstop on the PCH will you frequent next for a drunken, all-night screw?

by Anonymousreply 6405/26/2013

[quote]I was having a dinner party last week, and my invitations specified formal dress, however one person (whom I shan't name) turned up in semi-formal dress.

Darling. How lovely you look! And your dress! It looks as wonderful this evening as it did at lunch last year.

by Anonymousreply 6505/26/2013

Eat your weirdo! The red one.

by Anonymousreply 6605/28/2013

Dear Mrs. Steele,

The other night my husband and I watched that lovely movie of yours 'Sadie McKee'. I remember saying to my husband at the time that seeing you again was just like meeting an old friend.

Any plans on making a good old-fashioned romantic film sometime soon?

by Anonymousreply 6706/18/2013

"Quentin, one of our only three male members"

Eric, are you one of the other two male members mentioned at R39?

by Anonymousreply 6806/18/2013

"Kill, kill, kill, that’s all I feel inside me!"

by Anonymousreply 6906/20/2013

Widow Steele,

You worked with Bette Davis but why not the supremely talented Helen Lawson?

Did you realize that the only star of a Helen Lawson show IS Helen Lawson?

by Anonymousreply 7006/20/2013

Dear Lucille,

Stop putting on airs, I knew you when your mother was doing the washing for the neigborhood in San Antonio and you were just foul mouthed little brat always trying to get attention.

by Anonymousreply 7106/20/2013

"I knew you when your mother was doing the washing for the neigborhood in San Antonio."

That's not *all* she was washing, Barbara...

by Anonymousreply 7207/22/2013

> I've tried leaving through my treasured copy of "My Way of Life" for advice on what to do with them, but it wasn't to be found. In future, how should I handle a situation like this?

My dear, that book is out of print ever since Tina pointed out to the publisher that it would be false advertising to continue to publish it after my demise. I would suggest you search eBay for a used copy.

As for your other question, I think the problem begins with you. WHAT are you doing, inviting someone who does not know appropriate attire into your home? To steal a phrase from my hairdresser, Mr. Bruce, you should "punch and delete".

Yours truly, Joan

by Anonymousreply 7309/24/2013

Mrs. Steele--- At my lovely dinner party last week the help served a red vegetable next to a yellow vegetable, which I know is expressly forbidden in your indispensable tome "My Way Of Life." Needless to say I was mortified, but couldn't bring myself to shame them in front of my guests. I wasn't going to inform you of this, but it has gotten me so out of sorts that I've been unable to muster the energy for my Pepsi bottle exercises. How can I get past this?

by Anonymousreply 7409/24/2013

Widow Steele, I have a neighbor in the apartment across the courtyard who is baring and shaking his (it pains me to write this word) buttocks to his poor little dog, Poopsie, in a lewd manner while leaning against a wall. How can one best handle this matter with grace?

by Anonymousreply 7509/24/2013

Sorry to have been so slow to answer your dilemma about your neighbor shaking his bare behind across the courtyard. If it was his front side that he was baring and shaking, I would have but one thing to say .... "Tina, bring me the ax!"

by Anonymousreply 7609/17/2014
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