Anyone ever feel like they're being taken advantage of?
I have a co-worker that I've been friends with for two years. I've helped him out on occasion financially because I feel bad for his situation, and because I wanted to. I've never mentioned the money after I've given it out. I feel if you're a friend and you need it, it's fine. If you don't have it to give it back, then whatever. It's not large amounts, anyways. Five, ten dollars on occasion for lunch or dinner money. I can afford it.
But what bothers me is that he's never really gone out of his way to do anything nice for me, which lately is really starting to piss me off. Never offers to go hang out after work. Never offers to grab a bite to eat. I've brought it up a couple of times, and he always "sure's" me, but nothing comes out of it.
Meanwhile, his recent new BFF co-worker (who helped get his ass sent home one day and has gotten him into trouble a few times) is always tagging along with him on lunch breaks. Always hanging out after work. And since he became friends with this guy, I feel like I've been getting the cold shoulder more and more.
I know I probably sound incredibly naïve, and I'm usually a good BS detector, but I do feel that there's something genuine about him and that he does like me as a friend. We talked a lot at work when he first started. And we still talk from time to time. He tells me I'm "good people".
But I get upset because I feel like all I'm good for is a loan while everyone else is good for hanging out.
Should I just say something and get it off of my chest? At this point, I don't even care if it angers him, because I would rather just get it out in the open. But is there any way you could phrase it in the nicest possible way?
|by Anonymous||reply 41||05/24/2013|
Don't lend him money anymore.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||05/20/2013|
I'm not being snarky, OP, but I do have a few questions for you:
1) How old are you both?
2) Where do you work?
3) Are you sure your feelings for him aren't a bit more than just friendship?
|by Anonymous||reply 2||05/20/2013|
1.) We're in our late twenties, early thirties. We work in distribution.
2.) It's not a romantic thing. I admit he's cute, but he's clearly straight and I'm fine with not going THERE. I did that once, and I've learned from that And that's kind of why I don't really want to make a fuss over it, lest he think it's because I'm attracted to him (you know how straight men can be). But it's eating me up inside too. I feel like I have to say something just to get it off of my chest.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||05/20/2013|
What kind of job do you have that if you get sent home you come back the next day? I guess I've heard of stuff like that happening in food service, but this doesn't sound like someone was cut because it was slow.
Anyhow, money and friends don't mix, even small amounts. Lending someone money semi-regularly is a nearly surefire way to destroy the relationship.
Regarding the friendship itself, it took me a long time to realize that friendships find their level, and it may not always be the level you want. Don't resent the guy, just be charitable and assume that he means nothing bad in the behavior you're noticing. Get on with your life.
|by Anonymous||reply 4||05/20/2013|
Given that you have money, you have even more power to destroy him both at work and personally. This should be your new focus.
|by Anonymous||reply 5||05/20/2013|
OP, it might be hard but I would back away from this friend and seek new people to hang out with.
He may be sincere in his good opinion of you, but he also mildly used you.
In my life, I've given money to friends when they've needed it and I've also had friends take care of me when times were low, by buying me drinks or dinner.
But I have always tried to do something special for those who treated me and found a way to treat them to something that I could afford at the time-even if it was just a card or a latte or something. And I always had time for them.
If he's making you feel bad about yourself, then he's not the right friend for you.
|by Anonymous||reply 6||05/20/2013|
I moved to another state several years ago and knew no one. I've had that happen to me, OP, and it can be upsetting. I'd give him some space. He's got to make his own choices and if he feels like spending time with this other guy, who will probably get him into more trouble, then that's his problem.
I would not initiate spending time with him anymore at work. If he wants to join you, that's OK, but if he's going to bring the trouble maker along, then let him know you've made other plans.
I think it is important to keep in mind that your lending him money and any other favors were voluntary. You are aware of this, but you need to not forget it. You should rethink getting mad at his choices, some of which appear to reflect bad judgment. I definitely would stop lending him money, though, now that you recognize that you may have problems with it later.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||05/20/2013|
[quote] I admit he's cute, but he's clearly straight and I'm fine with not going THERE.
You know If the co-worker were ugly, he'd never get a dime.
OP has blue balls.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||05/20/2013|
Yes, OP. Have been struggling with this issue. You can't be nice to people on this planet; they will use you and cut you down. Am speaking from lots of experience.
It is incredibly depressing and feels hopeless, but you have to take care of yourself first. If you allow yourself to be vulnerable, people will take immediate advantage of you. That's the disgusting nature of our species. It sucks, but you have no control over it.
Best to take care of yourself first and let everyone else baste in their own bullshit. They won't help you. Your cute friend might seem nice and worthy of your attention, but it won't end well.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||05/20/2013|
It might be a lonely path, but pulling off the leeches is the better way.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||05/20/2013|
Good phrase I learned on the DL: 'When people show you who they are, believe them.'
So: chalk it up to experience, tune the guy out, be civil, keep your dignity, move on.
Have an upbeat brush-off ready for when he taps you again for cash, which he will. Been there, done that.
|by Anonymous||reply 11||05/20/2013|
Don't lend money to people, OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||05/20/2013|
Phrasing it "in the nicest possible way" is a bad idea. Phrasing it is a bad idea, period. Just stop being available to him, OP. Don't seek him out. If he approaches you, be friendly and uncommitted. If he's a user, he'll know exactly what's going on, and he'll either (A) extend himself to you to reposition the relationship or (B) abandon you. But don't give him any more money. Show him where your limits lie. He should treat you with respect and caution or leave you alone.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||05/20/2013|
I suggest you don't say anything OP. Nothing good will come out of it.
Scenario A: If he really was just using you for money, then he will "fake" it with you. He will pretend to like you, so he can get more money from you.
Scenario B: If he was not just using you, there is a big chance he will be offended by your talk. That will be the end of your friendship.
I've been in similar situations before: helping out cute straight friends, saying I don't expect anything in return. That's what we tell ourselves, but deep inside, we probably want something. Either their friendship, or maybe an occasional roll-in-the-hay. And always end up being disappointed.
I felt much better when I told myself: I'll help whenever I can, mostly in small ways, but I will expect NOTHING in return. I suggest you do the same.
|by Anonymous||reply 14||05/20/2013|
[quote]Regarding the friendship itself, it took me a long time to realize that friendships find their level, and it may not always be the level you want.
I'm not the op but TY for saying this r4 since I have a very good friend, and I'm not going through what the OP is going through but...our friendship is at odds right now.
She gets intense & on my case a lot, I get intense and on hers a lot, and I know we both *have* to back away from each other a lot, and we're both extremely passive aggressive & button pushers with each other a lot. In fact, we might be a little too similar in a lot of ways and a little too different in other ways.
It feels like it's changing again too. It's just good to hear that advice. No money has exchanged hands on our part, unlike the OP.
|by Anonymous||reply 15||05/20/2013|
So he is straight and takes money off you without bothering to give anything back. Take a clear look at this - no matter how nice or cute he is, he is clearly using you or seeing you as an easy touch just because you are gay and he is cute.
I would cut out the money and just slowly back away, leaving him with his other friends. Be nice and polite but don't be like his little puppy any more. It may be tough for a while but its for the best as he will never respond to you the way you want him to.
|by Anonymous||reply 16||05/20/2013|
Tell him another loan will require him to "bend and snap".
|by Anonymous||reply 17||05/20/2013|
OP Unlike the others here, I dont think the money is a big thing, the amount is so nominal.
However, there is a bit of wanting something back from him in your post. There is a tinge in your post that hints wanting to be closer to him in sort of a man crush kind of way. Do you feel that same way about the office frous?
It sounds like he did like hanging out with you, then met a buddy that was a lot funner. So maybe not a bad guy but he just wants to spend time with a different bro.
If he were a true friend, he would make time for you one way or another. If he is codependent, then he will wait for you to ask, but even then he will take you up on the offer once it is initiated. Not give you excuses or lack of fallow through.
|by Anonymous||reply 18||05/20/2013|
You must have never heard of the saying, "Neither a lender nor borrower be." Stop giving that fool money and stop extending yourself to those who don't have the common courtesy to reciprocate. It doesn't matter how nominal the amount is or even if you can afford it. Hell that's not the point. Now don't stop being a nice person but be nice to those who can be nice back. That's just the golden rule.
|by Anonymous||reply 19||05/21/2013|
That hussy coworking is cheating on you OP. Kick his lunch pail to the curb!
|by Anonymous||reply 20||05/21/2013|
There are no victims, only volunteers.
|by Anonymous||reply 21||05/21/2013|
In an Office Space kind of reality, he is just another Him-bo known as the town bike. Everyone has had a ride.
|by Anonymous||reply 22||05/21/2013|
He's using you OP. Stop it now and move on.
|by Anonymous||reply 23||05/21/2013|
See, this is that problem with gay acceptance. Straight men no longer feel weird around gay men. The cute one now work it teasing the gays for more swag.
|by Anonymous||reply 24||05/21/2013|
[quote]... the office frous ... lack of fallow through....
R18, you've got your "o" & your "a" mixed up.
|by Anonymous||reply 25||05/21/2013|
Lots of good advice here. It's close but r13 wins.
OP, heed his or her words.
I know, when I was young I behaved as your so-called friend is doing.
|by Anonymous||reply 26||05/21/2013|
It doesn't seem to me that you're lending him anything since you don't expect to pay him back and apparently he has no intention of giving it back. You're giving him gifts. It doesn't sound like he deserves them any more than anyone else in the office.
So you're enabling him to depend on you. Not a good idea. Either that or he's heading you toward a big "loan" of a few thousand. Shut it down now. You are being taken advantage of.
|by Anonymous||reply 27||05/21/2013|
It isn't about the money, OP.
I have loaned, given, and borrowed money occasionally and it has always worked out. It's the unspoken agendas that can screw you up. Don't try to figure this out or deal with it with this particular guy; he doesn't like you and nothing you do is only going to deepen that.
Do something nice for yourself today.
|by Anonymous||reply 28||05/21/2013|
As others have said, you might have had conditions attached to lending him money - even if they were just to feel liked or included by him.
I would offer him no more than what you ask of him - friendship. If it becomes one sided, then fade away. Saying something only adds drama. It may make you feel better, but it won't correct anything (at least not without resentment)
|by Anonymous||reply 29||05/21/2013|
[quote]Should I just say something and get it off of my chest?
NO! It will make you look downright stupid and needy.
|by Anonymous||reply 30||05/21/2013|
OP, it's understandable that your feelings are hurt, but this guy never intended to be your friend.
You don't need to confront him; just learn to act friendly while no longer being his friend. It's not reciprocal.
|by Anonymous||reply 31||05/21/2013|
If he never has treated you to lunch as a way to repay you for spotting him money as often as it sounds like .... he's not a real friend at all. Just someone who knows you're an easy touch. Say nothing and downgrade this one to a work acquaintance. Quickly.
|by Anonymous||reply 32||05/21/2013|
OP, just stop and analyze if this is the type of person you want to be friends with in the first place. Users find givers and take until the giver breaks. Find other places to eat lunch, get some good books and bring your lunch and sit outside and read, anything that will make you unavailable at lunchtime. Users NEVER think anyone will catch on to their scams. Beat him to the punch and walk away.
|by Anonymous||reply 33||05/21/2013|
Thank you for the great advice. I've been using it at work this week. Being polite but keeping distance.
Of course, today I find out that the co worker has been saying shit behind my back to another co-worker. It just keeps getting better.
I've been played for a complete fool. And what pisses me off is that I allowed myself to be put into this mess. I always prided myself on being a good reader of people and being able to see past the bullshit. I don't know what possessed me to endure this for so long.
And he has said that he is going to give me back the ten dollars that I loaned him a few weeks back tomorrow. So I have to face his ass. I don't think I can bring myself to even be cordial to him anymore. I don't know how people can be so damn horrible.
I'm so glad it's a three day weekend.
|by Anonymous||reply 34||05/23/2013|
Yes. Had friends who always came to me to borrow money and I was often stuck paying the bill. Understand that I made less money than anybody in our circle. A typical example: Once a "friend" invited himself out to dinner with me and another one of these friends and then conveniently had no money when the check came. He said he'd pay me back and never did. Weeks later when I asked, he screamed at me that he couldn't be bothered because his partner was sick and how dare I ask him for money when he is trying to cope?!
After years of this kind of bullshit and finally experiencing a major loss of my own with zero emotional support, I cut them out of my life and have never looked back. My only regret is that I'd have done it sooner.
|by Anonymous||reply 36||05/24/2013|
R34/OP, I weighed in earlier, but getting angry in a professional setting unless you are at the top of the food chain is a big mistake. It will label you as trouble much quicker than gossip by some idiot. Be classy, be civil and then move on. You won't regret it later.
|by Anonymous||reply 37||05/24/2013|
Gosh, I miss high school.
|by Anonymous||reply 38||05/24/2013|
OP people at the office are #notyourfriends period.
|by Anonymous||reply 39||05/24/2013|
Neither a borrower or a lender be.
|by Anonymous||reply 40||05/24/2013|
OP - what was he saying behind your back? Just so we can help you with some dishy one-liners.
|by Anonymous||reply 41||05/24/2013|