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Why are gay men so self-centered, selfish and narcissists?

And on their on-line profile they say what a loving person they are.

Yet most times they are self-centered, selfish and narcissists. Who seek out codependent people.


by Anonymousreply 9211/08/2015

Men period.

by Anonymousreply 205/19/2013

The people you're talking about ARE loving. They simply love themselves rather than you.

by Anonymousreply 705/19/2013

Because we can be.

Straight men don't get away with it as easily. But men are men.

by Anonymousreply 805/19/2013

r8's answer is a waste of electrons.

by Anonymousreply 905/19/2013

[quote]Gay men are not different than the rest of America. We just don't believe in hiding it. We live with the kind of integrity mainstream America could never muster.

I believe this is closest to the truth.

by Anonymousreply 1005/19/2013

Your post makes no sense OP. You say they seek out "codependents" but of course narcissists don't seek out codependents.

by Anonymousreply 1105/19/2013

OP you are deepl self loathing. Do yourself a favor and get some therapy.

by Anonymousreply 1205/19/2013

[quote] You say they seek out "codependents" but of course narcissists don't seek out codependents.

Not according to wiki

by Anonymousreply 1305/19/2013

OP, you might want to expand your study sample beyond "online profiles."

by Anonymousreply 1405/19/2013

Well I'm a codependent and they don't seek ME out.

by Anonymousreply 1505/19/2013

[quote] you might want to expand your study sample beyond "online profiles."

Haven't you ever met someone and then go google their email addy, and their online profile pops up?

by Anonymousreply 1605/19/2013

3 words....Peter Pan Syndrome

The Peter Pan Syndrome (PPS) describes men, who are childlike in their relationships, their ability to handle responsibilities, and their pursuit of pleasure. “He’s a man because of his age; a child because of his acts.

Victims of PPS appear to be emotionally stunted at an adolescent level. Their impulses take priority over any internalized sense of right and wrong. They cope with their problems by engaging in a great deal of primitive denial, e.g. “If I don’t think about it, the problem will disappear.” This attitude frequently leads to alcohol and drug abuse, since getting high makes their problems disappear, at least as long as they are high. They excel at blaming others for their shortcomings, and are often extremely sensitive to rejection from others. The PPS sufferer desperately needs to belong, as he feels very, very lonely. There seems to be an immense vacuum in his life unless he is around people, preferably the center of attention.

by Anonymousreply 1705/19/2013

r17, PPS is definitely not limited to gay men. Straight men often get a pass for it because their wives and girlfriends put up with it and coddle them. They also get another pass for it if they have children. Gay men just deal with this my ending relationships and starting new ones, being hoes if you really want to get down to it.

by Anonymousreply 1805/19/2013

Good lord r17, please stop enabling the academics who churn out reams of postulations on anything and everything...

by Anonymousreply 1905/19/2013

I think men with destructive personality disorders (borderline, anti-social and narcissistic) are more attracted to things like Grindr, hook-up sites and circuit parties, because those who suffer from these disorders are always looking for new kicks and sensory stimulation. So if you're looking for guys with more subtance, it's better to look elsewhere.

by Anonymousreply 2105/19/2013

[quote] So if you're looking for guys with more subtance, it's better to look elsewhere.

Are there any guys with substance?

by Anonymousreply 2205/19/2013

R18 --

There was an article in our local Seattle weekly free paper about the problems str8 gals have dealing with local men. My first thought was, "Those are exactly the problems I find among gay guys here!" The feature was SO popular that they had to run a followup to fit in all the ladies' venting. A typical "date" suggestion/offer consists of "I'll be at such and such bar around such and such time, feel free to drop by and say hi. Yours truly, Pete Pan"

by Anonymousreply 2305/19/2013

I am not self-centered or a narcissists, but I do have cousins who think that I am selfish because I do not care about their children.

I do not like children.

by Anonymousreply 2405/19/2013

The problem in general is, that people nowadays simply expect too much from other people (attention, love, consideration, etc.) Until the recent past, most people didn't get married out of love. The whole idea that there is exactly one 'special' person for you in this life, to whom you should give all your time and attention is, unfortunately, a romantic fabrication. All my colleagues at work are straight guys and they all say that as soon as they win the lottery, they'll divorce their wife.

by Anonymousreply 2505/19/2013

Gay men = narcissists

Doesn't everyone know this?

by Anonymousreply 2605/19/2013

Another thread started by someone who couldn't get laid and, all of a sudden, gay men are so self-centered, selfish, and narcissists. Try crawling out of your limited world and stop making generalizations based on your limited experience.

by Anonymousreply 2705/19/2013

I've noticed some women like that too.

by Anonymousreply 2905/19/2013

The real answer is where this thread started, growing up in the closet perverts us, stunts our maturity, in essence MAKES us more narcissistic. We have to be to survive. Then, once we find the gay bars and the gay subculture, it is all about superficial looks and all the stuff we need to do to "compete" and to "get laid," which, while fun and feels good, does nothing for our psychological well being or our ability to form adult relationships. Traditionally, gays eat their own. If you buy into the gay culture, you are encouraged to be vapid, self-serving, cruel, shallow and superficial. When I came out in the early 90's, I remember having it shoved in my face that I needed to have the perfect home, perfect job, perfect car, perfect abs, perfect hair, perfect tan. I had to listen to the coolest, newest music and make all the cultural references to things "edgy" and hip. I had to have money. And always be competing with others. Gym bunnies were all around. The men I dated were mostly messed up back then, always looking over their shoulder for the next hottest thing. And their roulette wheel never stopped on me for very long. No one ever nurtured my self esteem. I didn't LIKE most of the gay guys I knew back then and I STILL struggle to find adult, mature and nice gay men today. I hate to say it, but most of the gay men I meet are kind of messed up in some pretty obvious ways. We are damaged goods. NOT VICTIMS, mind you, but damaged from the fucking number society has done on us for decades. I find very few gay men with genuine self esteem.

Gay men are really not taught about self love, maturity, empathy, kindness and how to be in loving relationships, with friends or romantic partners. When thrown together, it is the blind leading the blind.

This is why you must choose your gay friends carefully.

by Anonymousreply 3005/20/2013

I don't know, R30... that sounds like most of the straight men I've ever come across as well. I think it's more a "man" thing than a gay man thing.

by Anonymousreply 3305/20/2013

anyone else?

by Anonymousreply 3405/20/2013

[quote]I discovered this twenty-four hours after using Grindr Xtra for the first time.

Why the Xtra? What did Grindr Xtra teach you that regular Grindr didn't?

by Anonymousreply 3505/20/2013

Clearly,because most of them model themselves after their mothers.

by Anonymousreply 3605/20/2013

R30 you are why I come here.

by Anonymousreply 3805/20/2013

When you find out, can you fill me in, as well. I'm still trying to figure that one out.

by Anonymousreply 3905/20/2013

You flyovers are crazy.

by Anonymousreply 4005/23/2013

That's not really true R30. We are taught all the same things straights are taught. It's just that we are also taught by their hate that these lessons aren't true. It takes a certain amount of advanced philosophy to reconcile No. 2 with No. 1, and only a minority of gays have that.

by Anonymousreply 4105/24/2013

If r30 is right, then the same must be true for lesbians, and I don't think that is the case.

I think most men value sex over emotional intimacy.

by Anonymousreply 4205/24/2013

What I'm learning now is that the older gay men get the less they believe in love. Once they've been cheated on/treated badly/trashed one too many times, they become more selfish and less willing to take a chance on a relationship. Part of it has to do with the emotional dysfunction of social stigma and the closet, but part of it is just the awful way gay men treat each other. We need to stop with the excuses and act like emotionally mature adults.

by Anonymousreply 4405/24/2013

Paging JANBOT!

by Anonymousreply 4505/24/2013

R4 nailed it. Most gay men are primarily sex driven but then again so are a lot of hetero men.

by Anonymousreply 4605/24/2013

Well said R44.

by Anonymousreply 4705/24/2013

The meanings of these words have been reduced to psycho-babble. 'Codependent', lol. It's much more useful to start here: proximus egomet mihi - I am the closest (person) to myself. Love must originate in self-love or self-acceptance. Love is usually first acquired by proxy; the unconditional acceptance of a powerful and significant person fosters the reflective notion to accept oneself without fear of shame. And in fact, and as such, Love is a decision - cognitive. Unlike fear which therefore isn't an emotion at all. Fear is linked to rejection and non-acceptance by that powerful person who remains out of synch instead fostering self doubt and self-rejection. Self doubt is ego, the craving for reflective reassurance. Which isn't love, just tiresome. One who accepts their true-self without fear is one who has found self-love. Rarely needy or selfish, confident yet not ego-driven (ego 'craves' since craving is the mirror reflection opposite of fear - mirror mirror on the wall). In the Latin 'ego' actually did mean 'true-self', but idiots like Freud and Jung were too full of themselves (narcissistic).

So frankly, given the huge spectrum of acceptance/rejection/judgementalism in that true-self journey for a gay man, you will find both the most and least egotistical - of any men, the most and least able to love with unconditional acceptance - of any men, the most profound and the most shallow - of any men. Depending on the judgemental eye of the beholder - who is usually and rather ingeniously revealing themselves in a mirror ;)

by Anonymousreply 4805/24/2013

So they can fit in with everybody else.

by Anonymousreply 4905/24/2013

I disagree R30. Those vapid, shallow gays you describe I also saw, but chalked them up the Yuppy culture at the time and location not just all gay men.

In fact West Hollywood is exactly as you describe. I lived there when I was young. The funny thing is, When I moved just 45 minutes away to another large gay community Long Beach, there was almost non of that. And we are one of the largest gay cities in the nation.

People here in LB are very friendly, community oriented and I would say compassionate. Lots of stable couples, male and female. The only thing people don't like seems to be people from West Hollywood. They bring was most people here call their "attitude" that is not embraced here. They can be spotted a mile away when they walk into a bar. No one cars what car they drive or job they have or designer wallet they whip out. The thing I hear most is "you guys down here are really cool because you friendly, talk to people and not stuck up." Well duh, isn't that how its supposed to be?

Anyways, I digress, my point is, two gay communities with the same demographics of gay men yet totally different socially accepted norms spanning 20 years and still the same. Maybe your experience is colored by where you live or choose to hang out.

If I live in Beverly Hills, you could bet I would think its normal for all men and women to have plastic surgery by the age of 30.

by Anonymousreply 5005/24/2013

Most people expect you to take their lies at face value, and as you get older, it gets harder to do. It's not that you don't believe they are generally honest, good people, it's that becomes just a power thing: no supporting me in my lie, no affection for you. I caught one friend is a silly fib a couple years ago and although we have had a cherished relationship over 50 years and the lie was a meaningless trifle, she more or less cut me out of her life and snipes at me verbally ever since. I've had other gay "friends" who have cut me out of their lives entirely because I didn't "support them" in some ridiculous minor point of ego even when it was a silly plastic mask with no serious effort on their part to live up to it.

by Anonymousreply 5105/24/2013

R48 needs to put that into iambic pentameter and sell it as a long lost work of Shakespear.

by Anonymousreply 5205/24/2013

Won't even need to change the spellinge.

by Anonymousreply 5305/24/2013

Because we're FUCKING FABULOUS hunty!!!

by Anonymousreply 5405/24/2013

Most of us grow up being told and then feeling we're not as good as the straight boys. We're skinny or fat, "brainy", interested in feminine things like the arts, throw like a girl and, worst of all, don't want to fuck women.

To compensate, we play to our strengths. We dress well, look well, speak proper English, decorate our houses better, know more about the arts,etc.

These behaviors can be healthy, or they can be destructive IF they are all we are. We can become all "perfect", superficial narcissists.

OR, we can become full human beings with good taste.

As to the relationship and sex issue, many of us missed the "sowing your wild oats" time in High School and even College, because we weren't out yet. We also missed learning how to form healthy relationships for the same reason. Many try out wild sex and/or relationships in our 20's or 30's and therefore seem Peter Pan-ish. As men, straight or Gay, we can separate love from sex. Whether we should, or not, is a matter of individual choice.

The goal should be get past all of this adolescent and post-adolescent behavior and become who we really are.

We need to learn to stop doing things solely to impress people.

by Anonymousreply 5505/24/2013

I agree with your post, r55, except that I don't consider the arts to be "feminine".

by Anonymousreply 5605/25/2013

[all posts by tedious troll removed.]

by Anonymousreply 5705/25/2013

I am quite sure R48 had some good points in there somewhere. If only it wasn't so dry and hard to get through.

by Anonymousreply 5805/25/2013

All R48 needs, Doug R58, is the ability to create paragraphs as he writes. I ain't goin' blind readin' 'at shit, either.

by Anonymousreply 5905/25/2013

Because their mothers are.

by Anonymousreply 6005/25/2013

From my experiences, in Portland (OR), the "qualified" identity for gay men tends to be very limiting to "one kind of gay man," and tends to alienate those homosexual men who do not conform to that qualified identity/lifestyle. Nothing makes me happier than meeting people, woman or man / gay or straight, who accept themselves as they are even if it breaks the approved cultural norms and mores. I have witnessed, time and time again, an elitism and discrimination in our gay community against gay men who are not "the norm." In straight culture, I have witnessed similar behavior, but not to the extent that it is found in our communities of gay men. While Portland has a reputation for being culturally diverse and generally "tolerant" of all lifestyles and sexual identity, the hard fact is that we as a city are very specific of what it means to be REALLY gay. Now, when it comes to gay nightlife and bars, in some popular hot spots young gay men (go go's) are paraded in their underwear, serving drinks, whereas this activity in every one of our straight bars is not tolerated and immoral. Additionally, at our popular gay bars, I have walked in on stranger-orgies in the restroom several times and have had a bartender approach me exposing himself to me at my table. These taboos are common, as are pedophilic situations and arrangements in our "gay bars" (which are predominantly exclusive to gay men) in our city. Comparatively, the frequency that these same acts happen in straight bars and nightclubs is next to none. When looking at stastics, at least from my perspective in Portland, alot of behaviors are more common in this "mainstream" of gay men in our city. If we stop hating each other, and accept each other and ourselves for who we are instead of who we're told to be, well then maybe the rest of the communities can see that being a homosexual male is no more "typical" than being a heterosexual male. Lots of people have similar childhood/adolescent backgrounds with societal pressures and parental behaviors, and yet they van have completely different outcomes. One thing I am certain about, is that narcicsm tends to be a popular theme in the arena as discussed above. Overall, I have found that it is expected and encouraged among other traits in the approved "mainstream" gay male persona here in my city to a degree that it is not found, overall, in the "mainstream" straight male persona. In our twenties, we learn that the mainstream serves as a turnstile, and once we a) no longer act the part or b) grow out of the approved age group, we are discarded by those "communities" and move on to a new qualified and again limiting persona. Being gay or straight can be very limiting, depending on the person you are, your priorities, and how you choose to identify and live your life as WHO YOU ARE. Gay men: you do not have to be x,y, or z to be accepted as who you are. Straight men: make more friends with gay men. Everybody, accept yourselves and each other. Otherwise, you will wipe out fast and find yourself looking back at it all...

by Anonymousreply 6102/16/2014

Because the life stages drummed into straight men - school, job, marriage, children, college fund, retirement, grandchildren - are unavailable to us. As they say, nothing makes one grow up faster than having children.

Lets see how the next generation turns out now that marriage is a serious and more widespread option.

by Anonymousreply 6202/18/2014

This sounds just like straight men, only they get to hide behind their wives, for a while at least. After a few years they dump the "cow" for a younger model. I'm seeing it now and I don't envy either party. I don't envy those out looking for love either. I don't buy it.

by Anonymousreply 6302/18/2014

[quote] Why are gay men so self-centered, selfish and narcissists?

Why are DL posters so illiterate?

by Anonymousreply 6402/18/2014

Sadly, having children does not make you grow up. In most cases, it plunges you back into childhood.

by Anonymousreply 6502/18/2014

R61 is lying big time. Portland by the way, is the female stripper capital of America.

by Anonymousreply 6602/19/2014

All you need to know about gay men can be read in this thread. (Yeah,I know...

by Anonymousreply 6702/19/2014

[quote]Because the life stages drummed into straight men - school, job, marriage, children, college fund, retirement, grandchildren - are unavailable to us. As they say, nothing makes one grow up faster than having children.

Interesting point, but I would say that the complete deal was unavailable. You could still go to school, get a job and retire. And a lot of men did a lot of other things in between too.

But I get "it's not the way I always heard it should be" (thanks, Carly).

Oh, and you may grow up faster by having children but I think it's when your parents die that you really "grow up".

by Anonymousreply 6802/19/2014

A red flag for me in a profile was a guy who could always wax long and eloquently about his humility and down-to-earthiness. They probably cobbled it all together from other ads.

by Anonymousreply 6902/19/2014

I disagree R68. I don't think experience of death helps anything in life.

by Anonymousreply 7002/20/2014

I know more narcissistic straight males than gay males and I only have gay male friends.

by Anonymousreply 7102/20/2014

[quote] "Why are gay men so self-centered, selfish, and narcissists?"

Why make such a sweeping generalization?

by Anonymousreply 7202/22/2014

So I'm gay I'm not self-centered, narcissistic, or self fish, although I feel Like the majority are all of those awful things. I to have experienced a lot of bad things with the gays. Went through the family things and what not and I feel like saying just because they went through hard times that no excuse for acting nasty, and betraying yourself as a bad big headed person. Everyone goes through hard times and with those obsticels they are supposed to build you as a good person make one stronger. Because of the gay community I don't like taking my shirt off,im average size and got told that "I was fat,I was fat" many many times. With that being said that's why I have body issuses. And also got the whole I have a pretty face but nothing else:-/ so Ya I can see why everyone thinks that. Finally I feel that they have just grown very man...

by Anonymousreply 7304/04/2015

I think the bigger question is why are homophobic haters such illiterates?

OP's post should have set off a shitstorm of "Oh, Dear."

by Anonymousreply 7404/04/2015

I think that is an unfair generalization.

Things like being self-centered or narcissistic are an individual's characteristic, in no way they are related to their homosexuality.

The same way that you will find self-centered homosexual men you will also find them who are heterosexual.

It is very harmful to stigmatise a whole group of people based on a very small sample.

by Anonymousreply 7504/04/2015

There's a lot of Midge Decter "Boys on the Beach" bullshit in this thread.

by Anonymousreply 7604/04/2015

Oh hi, OP. We were just talking about me.

by Anonymousreply 7804/04/2015

It really is an eye-opener, how self-loathing so many gay men are. Yes, I know we have homophobe trolls on this board, but OP's post was flamebait and yet a bunch of people who took it seriously who were probably not homophobic trolls.

by Anonymousreply 7904/04/2015

FACT: there is less narcissism among gay men than among straight men.

by Anonymousreply 8004/04/2015

When you take any diverse group of people and believe that entire group share the same characteristics. You might be a bigot, Oh wait, you are a bigot.

by Anonymousreply 8104/04/2015

[quote]OP's post was flamebait

Is 'flamebait' homophobic?

by Anonymousreply 8204/04/2015

I work with a gay nerd, nice young man who has a dorky haircut, dorky clothes, slender but not into working out. The guy is really smart and conscientious, gets along with everyone and he has a good sense of humor. Sometimes I hear him bitching with an old straight guy about various sports teams and I have to laugh, he's like a typical straight nerd.

Another young gay guy I work with is very fashion and fitness conscious, wildly social and outgoing.

They are both quality young men and if I were their father I would be very proud of them.

by Anonymousreply 8304/04/2015

It is sad that even gays stigmatise their own kind applying negative qualities as if they knew every gay guy in this world.

It is sad that some people are unable to see that some characteristics are are not collective, not shared by an entire group of people s complex and diverse as any other group of people.

Your sexual orientation won't determine whether you will be a narcissitic or not.

Your life experiences, your own way of thinking, etc can make you become a narcissistic; it has nothing to do with sexual orientation.

by Anonymousreply 8404/09/2015

Self-loathing gay men project anti-gay propaganda they've heard their while life.

by Anonymousreply 8504/09/2015

And yet they should be smart enough to know that's what they are doing.

by Anonymousreply 8604/09/2015

You are just too needy op.

by Anonymousreply 8704/09/2015

I'm co-dependent and they don't seek me out!

by Anonymousreply 8804/09/2015

The complaint seems to come from a person who surrounds himself with narcissistic people and not with the average homosexual guy.

Why always blaming homosexuality for everything?

by Anonymousreply 8904/11/2015

Freud talked about this! love of self

by Anonymousreply 9011/08/2015

Freud had a lot of opinions on homosexuality, R90. Is that what you're referring to?

by Anonymousreply 9111/08/2015

r91, like what?

by Anonymousreply 9211/08/2015
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