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I'm terrified and don't know what to do

I'm trembling in fear and have chills I can't shake. I have a longtime established business, and I'm no spring chicken. I've been accused of something horrible which could end my career. In my industry, just the hint of this sort of thing will end you.

I did not do what I've been accused of. Not any bit of it. There is no way to prove innocence or guilt, so instead, I am perceived as guilty, because that's the easy out. Not only am I hurt at the accusation, but furious. I've lost two major clients recently, and the accusing one is now denying me a month's pay (unused, but we had a month's notice for termination in our contract). They are using their accusation to justify not paying me.

I'm frustrated. And really scared. I NEED that money. But way more than that, I need to not have my career ended by people I cannot reason with. Believe me, I've tried. I was much more articulate in my response to the accusation, and it should have been the end of it.

With the first accusation a few weeks ago, I decided to transition to something else anyway. I'm in a risky line of work as it is. The accusation made me re-evaluate. The risk outweighs the reward. But now it is possible I'll lose everything. Much sooner than I'm ready or able to re-invent myself. Not to mention, choosing to switch gears is entirely different than being blacklisted. (No, I'm not an actor/singer.)

I don't know what my options are. I can't sleep. My partner and I will find a lawyer in the morning, and obviously I have to fight somehow, otherwise I seem guilty by default, but I still don't know what to do. The mere whisper of inappropriate activity is the kiss of death, and can't be litigated against.

This would still suck if I'd actually done something wrong, but to be innocent and possibly losing everything is so much to bear. I'm sorry I'm writing so much. I just don't know what to do. My mind is racing and I have chills. I've worked very hard to get where I am.

If noone wants to post, that's okay. I feel sick. I needed to write this somewhere, right now.

by Anonymousreply 14106/13/2013

You need to get to work on digging up some dirt on your accuser. Don't just call a lawyer, call a private detective as well.

We can't offer much help if you don't tell us what line of work you're in or what you're accused of.

by Anonymousreply 105/17/2013

Let's play What's My Line.

OP, are you a priest?

by Anonymousreply 205/17/2013

What do you mean by "this would still suck if i'd done something wrong"

There is a hint in that statement that suggests some sort of denial. Of course it should suck if you did something wrong.

But what I am reading between the lines is you did something, dont want to admit it, came here to vent because you are about to feel the repercussions of what you did.

Even if had done something wrong, its all about you and your life not what you did. That is what you are kind of saying.

Also, the idea that you worked so hard for something that the first bump makes you want switch careers is a little suspicious. That is what priests do when they get caught. Switch parishes.

And you are loosing clients on this mystery accusation? How long did you let this get out of hand? Can you give us more detail? At least what kind of work? Teacher? Priest?

by Anonymousreply 305/17/2013

OP, good luck with whatever it is. I too was accused of something that I did not do. For three weeks, I was sick with worry, didn't sleep, didn't eat, etc. So I can imagine what you are going through. I hope that after all is said and done, you and your partner can walk away with dignity and confidence.

by Anonymousreply 405/17/2013

Oh What's my Line Yeah!!!!

are you in the legitimate theatah?!

oh no that's right you said you aren't an actor....

by Anonymousreply 505/17/2013

Are you a defense contractor accused of being a secret Muslim?

by Anonymousreply 605/17/2013

R1 is right about the PI. You need to know if the people accusing you of this thing have 'form' for accusing others unjustly. People that do this kind of thing tend to make a practice of it.

by Anonymousreply 705/17/2013

I had a client whose sole intention and delight was NOT paying his contractors. It took me a while to figure out what was up. ...Sociopath.

by Anonymousreply 805/17/2013

Are you a renowned personal chef who only jokes about jerking off into the soup course?

Are you my cousin's best friend who is a stylist to ALL the big names in Monterey real estate who wouldn't gossip even if his life depended on it?

Are you a dog walker who has been accused of fucking the pets?

Are you a sex worker who has serviced STD clients?

Are you a florist who has turned down lesbian wedding customers only because they requested baby's breath, sage, and lupins?

Are you a weed dealer who has been accused of adulterating product with jwh-018? Does your ganja sparkle?

by Anonymousreply 905/17/2013

drug dealer

moving on...

by Anonymousreply 1005/17/2013

Do you own a kid's pageant and/or dance school? Fess up OP. This has jazz hands written all over it.

by Anonymousreply 1105/17/2013

So you really are working a few girls at night?

by Anonymousreply 1205/17/2013

I feel for you, OP. If you'd like to share a bit more in detail, maybe someone can offer some useful advice.

by Anonymousreply 1305/17/2013

OP is a house cleaner who's been accused of stealing or using the personal computer in the home.

by Anonymousreply 1405/17/2013

This thread is useless without some kind of fucking detail.

by Anonymousreply 1505/17/2013

OP I agree about finding a detective. I also think you need to be pro active and not cower. Especially if you are innocent, you cannot absolutely cannot allow yourself to feel threatened by baseless accusations. If you are guilty, same thing.

It might also help to find an attorney who can examine the possibility of arbitration. There needs to be some kind of mechanism that can protect you and minimize damage when shit happens.

And BTW, from now on, put a non-disparagement clause, a legally binding non-disparagement clause in your contracts. At some point you might want to consider changing the name of your company, too.

Go on the offense. At some point your opponent is going to look unhinged and obsessive. Give him some rope. If you are in business for yourself, you need to think more strategically, OP, about how you protect yourself.

Oh. I don'y care if your guilty or innocent. No one is perfect. People fuck up. Shit happens. Get off your knees and kick some ass.

by Anonymousreply 1605/17/2013

OP is a male PA or "manny" to the stars and has been accused of being "inappropriate" with a child in his charge.

Whether the accusation is true or not, he will lose all his high profile clients because they won't know for sure and will not take the risk.

by Anonymousreply 1705/17/2013

Are these accusations coming from the same client op? I'm not sure about defamation law in the US but you may be able to seek damages for loss of reputation, loss of employment and future earnings if the client is spreading malicious rumours. Are your client's motives only that they do not wish to pay you?

by Anonymousreply 1805/17/2013

OP is a handicapped Disney World escort that rich families pay big $$$ so they won't have to wait in long lines. He was accused of bragging too much about all the money he's raking in because the press got wind of the scam. Whether he talked or not, his employers' dirty little secret is out and now they're all canceling his services.

by Anonymousreply 1905/17/2013

OP is Dick Cheney

by Anonymousreply 2005/17/2013

R20 Dick Cheney would never feel "terrified" or get the chills. OP is more likely a Democrat. They always feel guilty even when they're in the right.

by Anonymousreply 2105/17/2013

Sue the people who won't pay for breach of contract AND defamation of character.

by Anonymousreply 2205/17/2013

Is there anyone here not thinking OP was accused of pedophilia?

by Anonymousreply 2305/17/2013

I want R16 to come live with me

by Anonymousreply 2405/17/2013

[quote]I'm trembling in fear and have chills I can't shake.

You better shape up!

Cause I need a man...

and my heart is set on you.

You better shape up;

you better understand

to my heart I must be true!

by Anonymousreply 2505/17/2013

What a bizarre, cryptic post, OP. Where there is smoke, there is fire, though. Who the hell did you piss off? You know, this stuff doesn't just materialize out of thin air for no reason. Sure, "bad things happen to good people" but this is not a random bus accident! What is your role in creating this mess?

And, you know, we don't know that you didn't do whatever the hell it is you are accused of, either.

Just that you are denying it! So, why would total strangers jump on your bandwagon. Looks pretty shady, objectively speaking.

Better lawyer up, yeah. Something or someone is going down!

by Anonymousreply 2605/17/2013

What kind of industry is this that the slightest hint of anything, even unfounded, can bring you down?

by Anonymousreply 2705/17/2013

OP, the chills, are they multiplying? Are you losing control?

by Anonymousreply 2805/17/2013

[quote] What kind of industry is this that the slightest hint of anything, even unfounded, can bring you down?

And where you're just automatically assumed to be guilty?

Why would anyone go into such a profession?

by Anonymousreply 2905/17/2013

R27, the only three things I can think of are:

1. A career involving children and the accusation is molestation

2. A career involving money management (CFP) and you are accused of some financial impropriety or anything else that would make people question your judgement/integrity.

3. Something to do with drugs

by Anonymousreply 3005/17/2013

You can't prove guilt or innocence? I feel like I am trapped in an Agatha Christie mystery.

by Anonymousreply 3105/17/2013

I think I'm in love with R2.

by Anonymousreply 3205/17/2013

Not enough information in the post to be able to make a comment.

by Anonymousreply 3305/17/2013

This thread needs the OP to come back and share more.

by Anonymousreply 3405/17/2013

r17/r19/r30 is obsessive and deranged. Also obsessed with abortion on another thread. Get help, toots.

by Anonymousreply 3505/17/2013

My guess is day care center.

by Anonymousreply 3605/17/2013

No "toots" @ R35, that would be you---the incarcerated date rapist. Stop projecting your dysfunction onto others.

by Anonymousreply 3705/17/2013

Oh, how I love when people start throwing "toots" around.

by Anonymousreply 3805/17/2013

I'm hesitant to post personal info online, but okay, I will.

I've been in childcare for many years. I'm excellent. I love children. I have strong practices in place to keep children safe. The accusation is only an insinuation, but that's enough to do me in, as I get all my work word of mouth. Recently, a local preschool had an arrest because they found child porn on site. Our community reels. So this type of worry is up in my area.

The child in question has been unhappy coming to my care for nearly a year, but the parents never made me aware. There is a short period of time in the beginning where this is normal. If it continues, then for whatever reason, the situation is not a fit for the child. Perhaps it is personality mismatch. Perhaps it was the mean older child also in my care who intimidated him. I go round and round trying to figure out why this child felt uncomfortable with me, now that I know he had meltdowns every night after my care. I can't come up with anything. Really.

My partner has been friends with one of the parents for decades, and the insinuation is toward both of us. I can understand where they're coming from. I too would worry and end care if my child was so unhappy. In fact, had they told me much earlier, I would have re-worked things to see if the child could feel secure, and if not, I would've recommended a change in provider. Children need to feel safe. That is the cornerstone of what I offer. It's really important to me that my care makes children feel secure, confident and loved. This is part of why it's so upsetting. I also thought the child and I had a great rapport, although the mother and I have always had a weird tension between us (maybe the kid picked up on this).

Why am I ready to jump ship over "one little bump"? Well, I already make barely enough to get by, with nothing going into retirement and no sick/vacay/health care. I have made this financial sacrifice because working with children is rewarding and I strongly feel children need good care. But having to feel the hurt of being not trusted? After they've seen me in action for a year and I have copious references who have known me and seen me work for years? Doing this work is already a poor financial decision. This now is beyond the pale. The straw that broke the camel's back. I don't deserve this. I didn't do anything wrong, and neither did my partner. I take my fiduciary duty seriously. The rewards I get from my profession do not at all compensate for the emotional pain of such a horrible insinuation. And so I'm done. I have to figure out what I'm doing next, and how to make it happen, which takes time. But in my heart, I'm moving on.

As for the parents? They are sitting on thousands of dollars of product (pot plants) while I now won't be able to pay rent at their whim (they spend all they make, so I'm sure they're happy to justify stiffing me). They built their house without proper permits. That's all I've got on them. I am not interested in playing dirty, though. That sort of thing is gross. Aside from working under the table, which was the only way to make enough money to survive in childcare, I live and behave in such a way that is beyond reproach. I seek to contribute to this world, not tear it apart. I'm not interested in hurting people, even these people who are hurting me. I really feel sorry for them that they live in such fear, worrying that I've harmed their kid.

The thing is, regardless how completely I answer every question, I can't say why the kid was uncomfortable, because I don't know. Nothing I can point to should be enough to feel that way. I was stern? He was afraid of my docile old dog? *shrug* Harmlessness is impossible to prove. I'm furious that I have done nothing wrong (other than not honoring my initial sense that the mother and I were a bad fit) but am losing income and potentially professional reputation from this. Again, my reputation is 100% responsible for how I get work.

We are going to Legal Aid today, but they won't even get back to us for a whole week. What can I do?

by Anonymousreply 3905/17/2013

I didn't answer why my line of work is risky. It's because physical touch (hugs, sit in laps, etc.) is integral to nurturing. Touching, however, is always a gray area. After the accusations, I realized that I'm insane to be in a low paid job where I am always at risk, while doing exactly what I'm supposed to. Should I be wooden and not soothe children or hold them when they cry? That wouldn't really cut it.

by Anonymousreply 4005/17/2013

Are you male or female, OP?

by Anonymousreply 4105/17/2013

[quote]Aside from working under the table, which was the only way to make enough money to survive in childcare, I live and behave in such a way that is beyond reproach.

Well, if there is an investigation, this is the part that will totally screw you. Your place of business wasn't licensed and you weren't paying taxes, right?

And, you are wrong about having to cheat the system in order to make money in childcare.

by Anonymousreply 4205/17/2013

Will your advice change based on my gender? Will you discount me out of hand because I'm female, as is common for DL?

by Anonymousreply 4305/17/2013

Call Olivia Pope!

by Anonymousreply 4405/17/2013

For god's sake, get your back up and see a lawyer immediately. The right kind of lawyer will know what to do to stop this dead in its tracks and get your money as well.

If it is as important as you claim to protect your business the lawyer should be tax deductible - it is worth spending the money to salvage your future earmings.

Now is not the time to panic. Now is the time fir action.

by Anonymousreply 4505/17/2013

R43, nope. Don't be defensive. I was asking the gender question because if you're a male, people would probably treat you even worse over the issue. I actually think being a woman might be a better advantage in an ugly situation like this.

by Anonymousreply 4605/17/2013

Well, hell, if you weren't making two shits ANYWAY, look at it as a course correction for a career! Childcare is a minefield for this kind of stuff. You had to KNOW that. Seems like it is only a matter of time before some creepy allegation pops up or some kid says that something is going on or accuses someone. It's the Children's Hour, for chrissake.

So, the parents ARE claiming that you molested their child? Is this what is happening? Or are they just going to let it drop and go somewhere else? I mean, they stiffed you on payment so sounds like a draw.

by Anonymousreply 4705/17/2013

I worked on the McMartin case many many years ago, OP. Do you remember that one? It was a terrible, terrible situation for a family that was unpleasant and difficult, but, I decided after much work, probably innocent of all charges. It destroyed them nonetheless. You must do everything you can to fight back, because as you suspect, you could face ruin in so many ways.

But since you are innocent, you have that on your side. Use it every way you can. HIre as many people as you can afford to help -- you can find pro bono help, and you must. You must fight this.

by Anonymousreply 4805/17/2013

What happened to the McMartin son who was jailed? Where is he today?

by Anonymousreply 4905/17/2013

[quote]Aside from working under the table, which was the only way to make enough money to survive in childcare,

Jesus Christ. You really have set yourself up for trouble haven't you? I can only assume you're unlicensed, uninsured/unbonded, take care of the kids in your home, and do not pay taxes. If these are the circumstances under which you run a business, you might be attractive to shady or cheap people.

[quote]If it is as important as you claim to protect your business the lawyer should be tax deductible - it is worth spending the money to salvage your future earmings.

How can OP protect a business that doesn't exist on paper?

[quote]I've lost two major clients recently, and the accusing one is now denying me a month's pay (unused, but we had a month's notice for termination in our contract). They are using their accusation to justify not paying me.

Wait. I'm no lawyer, but how can you have a business contract if you don't have a legitimate business? Do you take some money under the table and some legitimately for a business that is in your name? If this is the case, do your clients know this? If they do, you're screwed.

[quote]As for the parents? They are sitting on thousands of dollars of product (pot plants) while I now won't be able to pay rent at their whim (they spend all they make, so I'm sure they're happy to justify stiffing me). They built their house without proper permits. That's all I've got on them. I am not interested in playing dirty, though. That sort of thing is gross.

Do you have other choices? If you work an underground economy, I'm not sure you have any other recourse if you want to nail the parents. But of course, they can turn you into the appropriate agencies.

by Anonymousreply 5005/17/2013

Sounds like you operate an unlicensed, unregistered child care facility from your home. In other words, you are a babysitter. You get paid under the table. I don't know what legal aid can do for you. You don't have a professional license to defend.

by Anonymousreply 5105/17/2013

[quote] You don't have a professional license to defend.

You don't have a business to defend either, since you work under the table. As far as the law goes, you're just a babysitter dealing with gossip, you're not a legitimate business owner whose livelihood is being threatened.

by Anonymousreply 5205/17/2013

OP, I think if you try to go after the parents for back payment you are asking for trouble and they know it. They may just want to cheat you out of a months pay.

You should find another line of work for awhile. If you want to go back to childcare then set it up legally after this has blown over.

by Anonymousreply 5305/17/2013

I'm sorry this is happening to you, OP.

I'm amazed anyone is willing to work with children these days. There's far too much risk.

by Anonymousreply 5405/17/2013

[quote]As far as the law goes, you're just a babysitter

I doubt this very much. There have to be a lot of laws and regulations regarding child care. It's one thing for a teenager to babysit for a few hours on a Friday/Saturday night, but it sounds like OP was running a child care service. Also, income tax evasion is a biggie.

OP, I wouldn't blame you for not answering, but how many kids were you watching and for how many hours per week?

by Anonymousreply 5505/17/2013

One allegation from some crazed, entitled frau isn't going to do anything to harm you, OP. Everyone knows that there are lunatic parents out there who will never be happy no matter what you do to care for their special snowflake. Just talk to some public school teachers who are toiling in the trenches. They have a lot worse stories than yours.

Relax, take a deep breath, call your attorney and stop worrying. Those that know your reputation will not listen to this woman because they will trust their own instincts and experience, not hers. I assume she has threatened to "ruin" you by spreading hate on Facebook---fraus LOVE to lob that one at you. But newsflash--all her frau friends already know she's a kook and they're rolling their eyes at her. She doesn't have the power to ruin you. She only thinks she does.

I am in a customer service business. We serve over ten thousand customers a month. One or two of those aren't happy not matter what you do, it's inevitable. Some of the more lunatic fringe kooks love to tell you how they're going to take you down by spreading the word to everyone they know about how horrible you are. Guess what? No one gives a shit. People laugh at rabid, impossible to please, chronic complainers. Everyone already knows they're entitled cunts because they get on FB and rant about EVERYTHING. We've never been hurt even a little bit by any of the assholes who have threatened to "put us out of business." Not even a blip.

by Anonymousreply 5605/17/2013

As a teacher,I empathize with your fear of how one allegation can become overwhelming and career destroying. I've seen many instances where parents look for scapegoats to justify their children's poor behavior or their own guilt over their lacking child care. I I'm less and less astounded by the number of students who refuse to take responsibility for themselves and their actions, because I see this being modeled by their parents all the time.

I also know it's scary in part because the "proof" comes in the form of children's motives,comments, and feelings, which can be manipulated, mis-interpreted, and mis-construed. Therein lies a lot of what you likely fear.

The bottom line - If you honestly have no culpability in the matter, believe in yourself and DO NOT allow this fear to overwhelm you! Approach it from a stance of taking offense to the accusation and NOT from a stance of defending yourself.

Definitely seek legal assistance, if for no other reason than to make it clear that you staunchly oppose the accusations, and are, therefore, not afraid to publicly bring them to light and squelch them. If you strike first, that will look even more favorably towards you- assuming nothing truly damning is revealed.

This will also allow for ease in simply stating that you cannot legally discuss the matter if others bring it up.

The poster above who said roughly that everyone is human and screws up at some point is right. Can this be used as justification for any "potentially inappropriate" touching? - No. However, it could be used to defend and now correct any legal/tax implications about the business end of the issue. Don't let that issue add to the other. They are separate.

Also, if you know for a fact that the kid's parents are invested in illegal activities, hire a PI to investigate. Granted, it's not hurting you and imo, I'd avoid going so far as to stir that issue into this one. But if push comes to shove, it'd be a nice ace to have in your back pocket should things get really messy.

Trust in yourself and hang in there, OP.

by Anonymousreply 5705/17/2013

R54 is correct.

A friend is a teacher in NC. One of her first graders called her into the class bathroom because a second little girl had "blood on her panties". My friend told the girl to get dressed and took her to the nurse who called the state office in charge of child welfare. This child lives in a family with three teenage brothers and there are drugs in the home.

She heard nothing more about the findings but kept an eye on the student. The student exhibits lots of behavior problems.

After a month or so she asked her administrator what the outcome of the investigation was, since no one had informed her of anything. "'Oh,I wasn't going to say anything because I knew you would be upset". It turned out that the parents were very angry that authorities were called and made a counter charge claiming my friend had abused the girl!

This idiot administrator did not advise her, and her district is not unionized, so she has to depend on the Board of Education attorneys for legal advice.

When she requested that the student be moved from her classroom in the interim, the administration refused saying it would "look bad".

She retained an attorney at her own expense, not certain that the Board would represent her well if it became necessary.

by Anonymousreply 5805/17/2013

OP, I apologise for spouting about things I know nothing about. It looks like there are situations where you can run an unlicensed daycare.

by Anonymousreply 5905/17/2013

Thank you everyone, for giving many perspectives and not slamming me as I reveal my personal pain. I feel really vulnerable. We are off to Legal Aid and I'll write more later.

by Anonymousreply 6005/17/2013

Good luck OP. You will feel better once you speak with an attorney and know your options.

by Anonymousreply 6105/17/2013

OP - I think if you quit the profession altogether, then you will really look quite guilty.

Here are some pro-active steps that you can do regarding your existing clients and your future clients:

Create a pamphlet outlining to parents the importance of communication about their child's day, emotion, etc. As well as the importance of communication between care-provider and parent.

This will make it seem like the parents/accusers are to blame. And they are (if you are truly innocent of all charges.)

I wonder if their child needs attention from the parents? Perhaps?

Instead of thinking how this will affect you, perhaps it's just a small bump in the road that you can turn into a "value-add" of education for your current and future clients.

Let them know that no matter who the care-provider is, children can and will act out if their needs aren't met.

Right now the person "in control" of this situation is the kid, who is making the parents dance like puppets, creating all sorts of juicy drama and is probably getting lots and lots of attention.

Parents will do ANYTHING to avoid that.

by Anonymousreply 6205/17/2013

Good Points r62.

by Anonymousreply 6305/17/2013

Damnit. I'm sort of pissed OP decided to respond and provide info on what the circumstances were.

This was all perfectly set up to make me believe that it was Amy and Samy from Amy's Baking Company and that the accusation that was false (but actually totally true) was about them stealing photos and/or going psycho on their Facebook page (no, it wasn't them they were hacked!!!!).

by Anonymousreply 6405/17/2013

[quote]Right now the person "in control" of this situation is the kid, who is making the parents dance like puppets, creating all sorts of juicy drama and is probably getting lots and lots of attention.

How do you know the parents are being truthful about the child's disposition and behavior when he comes home? Also, this was going on for nearly a year until the parents finally addressed it with the care provider? That sounds odd to me. If it's been going on for a few weeks or a couple of months, OK, but why let it drag out so long before addressing the issue? Why didn't they say something or pull the kid out of daycare and place him elsewhere rather than let him continue in misery?

Alternatively, the child might be unhappy when he gets home because he's home. You know? There might be disruptions in the home, poor parenting, drug or alcohol abuse, or possibly worse.

Assuming OP isn't in Colorado or a state that permits medical marijuana, I can't imagine that a family that grows a large, illicit cash crop at home runs with the savoriest people or provides the most secure environment for a child. Do they have customers or dealers coming by the house? How supervised is the kid if they're around?

by Anonymousreply 6505/17/2013

OP babysits the children of drug dealers for under-the-table cash.

Not a good situation.

by Anonymousreply 6605/17/2013

[all posts by tedious troll removed.]

by Anonymousreply 6705/17/2013

OP, your first need to relax. Find a comfy chair, and slather on motor oil on your feet and ankles. Must be 30 weight!. Then wrap your feet in aluminum foil tightly. Sit for 3-4 hours. You will feel better, hun. You are welcome!

by Anonymousreply 6805/17/2013

Question, if you know that they grow and sell pot, why don't you have that called in so they get busted?

by Anonymousreply 6905/17/2013

It is very hard to bust a erson for growing pot in some areas.

by Anonymousreply 7005/17/2013


I would imagine it would be a lot easier to report if the person has a child in the house and the call is made about the child's safety and well-being.

by Anonymousreply 7105/17/2013

[quote] We are off to Legal Aid and I'll write more later.

For what? So you can sue the parents and FORCE them to put their children back in your care?

Unless charges are filed against you (huge hassle) there is nothing to defend against.

If you intend to go after the parents for "slander", well, good luck with that. Nothing but he said/she said on both sides.

If you want revenge, just call CPS on the kid's pot growing parents. But you'll most likely only escalate the war.

by Anonymousreply 7205/17/2013

r72, I think they are being proactive in case criminal charges are filled. I would want to talk to a lawyer too.

by Anonymousreply 7305/17/2013

OP, just what exactly are you "accused" of doing?

Improper touching? gay sex in front of the kids? wire hangers? what?

by Anonymousreply 7405/17/2013

Good advice from r62 and OP, if I were you the first thing I'd be doing would be investing in your own "nanny cam" system that parents can access at any time. They're not that expensive. Not only would it be a good way to reassure any current clients that the accusations are unfounded and you have nothing to hide, it would also be a big selling point going forward. Of course you can turn them off during non-business hours.

We own a few storefronts and have the cams all over the outside and in strategic locations in our own shared unit. We don't have to monitor them 24/7 but they do send us an e-mail alert if anything out of the ordinary is going the time one of our tenant's employee dropped at 4 am "to take a pee"...with a friend, in the dark, for 45 minutes. I can't prove it was a drug deal as I strongly suspect but dumb sow could have cost us the entire property. Needless to say dumb sow no longer has a key and is not allowed on the property period without her employer present.

So be proactive in protecting yourself OP, especially in your line of business. And unfortunately, yes your gender does make a difference. If you're a gay male that's something you should be entirely upfront with the client about from the start.

by Anonymousreply 7505/17/2013

I'm confused as to whether or not you just provide babysitting services or if you're running an unlicensed daycare center. If it's the latter, is that illegal?

by Anonymousreply 7605/17/2013

[all posts by ham-fisted troll a removed.]

by Anonymousreply 7705/17/2013

Will try to answer everything. Might take a few posts.

R47, I know the risks. I thought I was okay because I have good boundaries and safe practices. Why would I be accused when I don't do that stuff? No, they have not claimed molest. But they are certain that my care was "inappropriate" because their child, in a new situation, is happy. The insinuation is just under the surface. I DON'T feel it's a draw. Why should I lose payment when I've done nothing wrong? I feel like fighting for the sake of what's right, though it might be a losing battle, don't know. Why should I sit here and take this?

R50, almost right. Nannies work in other people's homes. Legally, they are domestic employees. No licenses/bonds required. We lost our host house (other client dropped) recently and they live out of town, so we were using my house briefly until we found another family to share with. Also, my income is under the tax reporting minimum. For me, that is. Families are still legally req'd to pay soc sec, work comp and unemp ins - but no family does! The obligation is not on me tax-wise, though I'd have penalties if my income was high enough to file. You can have any contract you choose, assuming everyone agrees to it. Which we all did. They are my terms, period, and I don't work without them. To avoid parents stiffing me at their whim. No, they can't turn me in. Parents have huge IRS penalties for not paying taxes on domestic employees. This is a gray area as we were briefly at my house, which shifts me to independent contractor, where they don't have to withhold or pay the above stuff. But I was still to operate under their instructions, which is part of the classification between independent contractor and domestic employee.

R54, boy you got it right. This saddens me beyond belief. Children will compose our future society. What are we if we don't take good care of the children? And yet, the industry is going to lose yet another person who truly cares about kids and their future. This is bigger than me. It's becoming so unsafe to love and care for children.

R55, I aim for 40ish ongoing, but things ebb and flow constantly with families' changing needs. Sometimes I have 13 different kids in a week in different time slots. I've had fewer this last year as two clients wanted more of the week.

R57, there is nothing damning that could be revealed. I did a good job. Also, I am not sure if they are growing pot "legally" or not. I don't have any contact or experience. Honestly, they are not the lowlife drug dealers some suspect they are. They are regular people with jobs, huge rural property.

by Anonymousreply 7805/17/2013

R59, in my state, I am allowed to care for 3 unrelated children (more if siblings) in my home without any licensing. It's not my intention to run a daycare, because I'd have 8 kids and way more income if so, but I don't mind a little overlap as I have a lot of craft supplies at my place, and sometimes parents need quiet for conference calls at their home, etc.

R62, I am worried about which actions will seem guilty. To me, lawyering up seems like what a guilty person does. But I also feel I need to protect myself. I know that not being defensive might seem more innocent? But I want to fight for the truth and answer all questions. I am really upset at false accusations, and threats to my reputation / livelihood.

R65, I don't. I caught them in one lie. However, I do tend to believe them. Before this, I would've said they were people of integrity. Now I say they operate from fear and are severely mistreating me. I could answer in more detail, but suffice to say I think the real problem is the mom and I don't get along and the child felt the tension.

R69, I actually don't care they have pot. I do care they are stiffing me for a small amount that I really need, knowing they can easily come up with the money. I cannot replace it so fast.

R72, you are probably right. :( I don't know what's to come. For now, I need legal advice. Have to wait a week to hear if they'll take me. But no, I don't want the child back if he was uncomfortable. I care about the child and if I'm not a fit, I want him where he's thriving. I want my reputation intact. I want my money. I don't want people to believe the worst.

R74, insinuations only. Just that the child's reaction to me is so strongly negative, they believe I did something unsavory.

R77, that's a good point. I talked with my mom tonight. She said this could get really ugly and the $$ are not worth it. In the bigger picture, that might be true, unfortunately, and I might have to just lose the money. But my sense of justice and fair play are really triggered. I am careful to be both fair and giving with people, and I deserve the same in return. Why should I just take this sitting down, when I didn't do a damn thing wrong except not click with the mom? Cmon.

by Anonymousreply 7905/17/2013

OP, I've seen cases like yours on Judge Judy. Just take them to small claims court and get your money.

As another poster said, accusations run rampant when working with children. I was once a teacher, noticed the emphasis on once.

Anyway, handle your business and take their butts to court, but just claim you are a baby sitter.

That might be the loop hole you need.

by Anonymousreply 8005/17/2013

[quote]insinuations only. Just that the child's reaction to me is so strongly negative, they believe I did something unsavory

OP, wtf are you going on about then? There has been no direct accusation of any wrong doing, and now you're losing sleep and seeking legal advice? Mary! X 1000.

Why are you even in business if you can't handle one lunatic who thinks you "must have done something" because her kid is happy now, but wasn't while in your care? Seriously? That's her only proof? How are you not laughing in her face? You sound like a paranoid nut.

Clearly the bitch has nothing on you. Do as R80 says. Go to small claims court to get your money, and then STFU and stop whining abput your non-problem.

by Anonymousreply 8105/18/2013

We're so sorry, Cassie.

by Anonymousreply 8205/18/2013

This sounds just like my movie "Doubt" for which I received the SAG award Best Actress.

by Anonymousreply 8305/18/2013

R81, here's more info. The child apparently begged and cried to stay home half of the time, saying he does not want to be with me. Then every night after me, would have screaming meltdowns at dinner and bedtime, while this didn't happen with his other caregivers. (This is stunning to me. Our days together were mostly good.)

She told me several times in her two emails that her son was not safe with me, that I gave inappropriate care, that I did XYZ thing wrong, etc. Also untrue, but she's looking for the reason behind her son's feelings and she's scared.

Please don't underestimate that one, just one accusation, or even whispered insinuation in a community, could absolutely ruin me. People don't take this sort of thing lightly, whether people believe it to be sexual abuse or "inappropriate care", the end result is the same. With even a whiff of scandal, people will not do business with a caregiver. Think about it: two equally great nannies, but one has a scent of scandal in the community. You wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole. You would go to the easier choice.

by Anonymousreply 8405/18/2013

[quote]Why should I lose payment when I've done nothing wrong? I feel like fighting for the sake of what's right, though it might be a losing battle, don't know. Why should I sit here and take this?

[quote]But my sense of justice and fair play are really triggered. I am careful to be both fair and giving with people, and I deserve the same in return. Why should I just take this sitting down, when I didn't do a damn thing wrong except not click with the mom? Cmon.

I just can't with this. If your "sense of justice and fair play" are so strong, it really just means you're too stupid to just let it go as a trade off for not getting busted or accused of doing some shit they're going to say you did.

If you continue to fight them on it then you get what you get.

If you're that hard up for cash, go get a real job.

I've been reading your posts and the way you go back and forth between wanting to protect yourself and then like rationalizing things from the parent's side, to not actively wanting to do anything to protect yourself... you're either making all this shit up or you're just a complete mess.

by Anonymousreply 8505/18/2013

OP - Why did the parents/mother let this go on for nearly a year without discussing it with you? That is frankly bizarre. I asked about this upthread. If my child were so distressed and saying those things, I couldn't let it go more than a week without discussing it with his/her care provider or yanking the kid from the school if there was no resolution. Now she's suddenly concerned about it? Something doesn't make sense to the point of sounding fishy.

by Anonymousreply 8605/18/2013

The child made it clear they were unhappy with staying with you FOR A WHOLE FUCKING YEAR and the parents just carried on bringing him to you regardless?

This is just so much bullshit. It appears you are of a very sensitive disposition, OP, otherwise I'd hardly believe you are believing the bullshit you are being fed here.

And if this is true - that he was exhibiting great unhappiness with the parents but not with you - this indicates poor parenting, not poor care on your part.

by Anonymousreply 8705/18/2013

It looks to me like it went on for a year, unless I misread what the OP wrote:

[quote]The child in question has been unhappy coming to my care for nearly a year, but the parents never made me aware. There is a short period of time in the beginning where this is normal. If it continues, then for whatever reason, the situation is not a fit for the child.

And the kid was, apparently, verbalizing to the parents that the OP was the cause of the distress. It's just too fucking weird.

by Anonymousreply 8805/18/2013

They are already fighting dirty OP. You need to drop a dime on these pot grower stat. Indeed, they may have already cut a deal with law enforcement to try to nail you for your cash business or something else.

Obviously they wouldn't let such a situation go on a year. No parent would.

by Anonymousreply 8905/18/2013

I don't think DA's interested in cutting deals with illegal marijuana cultivators to go after a childcare worker who makes below the amount required for tax declaration.

by Anonymousreply 9005/18/2013

[quote]I already make barely enough to get by, with nothing going into retirement and no sick/vacay/health care.

This is the part that concerns me the most. It sounds like nothing is even being put aside for you in Social Security. Even with a good paying job and a lot of years of work, Social Security isn't enough to live on and it sounds like you won't even have that.

OP, from your writing I can tell that you are very intelligent. You need to get your ass out there and get a job that will provide you with career advancement.

It's great to do something you find fulfilling, but you also have to secure your future financially. You can always do volunteer work with kids. My partner started a volunteer program at work and she and her co-workers work with a school reading program during lunch one day a month. There are unlimited opportunities after work as well.

In the meantime, you need to find a job that has potential for career/salary advancement. Then, you need to set aside an emergency fund in a savings account (six months of living expenses), then you need to be funding a 401k and if possible a Roth IRA.

You keep talking about how important it is to you to make kids feel secure and safe. I think you need to be doing that for yourself. Financial security can bring peace of mind.

by Anonymousreply 9105/18/2013

OP, hon? Get a real job.

Problem solved.

by Anonymousreply 9205/18/2013

Mitt Rmoney is your evil client?

by Anonymousreply 9305/18/2013

OP, obviously they have come up with this story to get out of paying you. They found someone cheaper. they don't want to pay, they know you operate on the fringes and they feel emboldened about doing this to you.

first of all, have no further contact with them. If you are still communicating with them, you deserve what you get. Secondly, get a lawyer. People think those on the fringes will not want to bring legal attention to themselves. Hiring a lawyer shows that you are no pushover. Ask what you can do and should do in this situation. Go from there. Under no circumstances should you communicate at all with these people. Let the lawyer do that. I will give y an example of the power of a lawyer. My friend was sent a contract by a company. The sender, a paralegal, said my friend should call or email if she had questions. My friend had questions and sent an email and called. She was ignored. She hired a lawyer. He called and the paralegal immediately gave him what my friend had asked for. People pay attention to attorneys and know that their presence signifies the end of shenanigans.

Thirdly, I don't care if you don't care about their pot. Drop a dime on them. You would be surprised at how quickly the authorities will raid a marijuana house. I would put in an anonymous tip to the ATF or your local cops, if they have a hotline. The subsequent drug issues will help restore your reputation. It is not playing dirty. It's called "protecting yourself." If you don't want to do that, then you are a martyr.

To me, the whole thing smells of dirty tricks to get out of paying what they owe. Don't let them skirt the law with their drug operation. Don't let them take advantage of you.


by Anonymousreply 9405/18/2013

Perhaps the OP is collecting disability and supplements with under-the-table work. Wouldn't be the first one who did this.

by Anonymousreply 9505/18/2013

Please accept my apologies for the grammatical errors and capitalization lapses in my post at r94. Typing on an ipad is hard.

by Anonymousreply 9605/18/2013

Did R94 keel over in some kind of an episode?

by Anonymousreply 9705/18/2013

[quote]just one accusation, or even whispered insinuation in a community, could absolutely ruin me.

Uh, no it won't, OP. When are you going to get that through your thick head. One person can not ruin you with one baseless accusation. At some point every business deals with unhappy customers. EVERY. SINCLE. ONE. Legitimate business owners don't collapse in a fit of hysteria and then pick up their dolls and run home. You should not be in business at all if you don't have the back bone to deal with crazies who make outrageous statements against you. It happens every day to bigger, better and more profitable businesses than yours.

OP, it's time to put on your big girl panties and deal with the realities of your chosen profession This woman is nothing more than an annoying gnat that you need to swat aside. No sane person would be threatened by her. Slap her face viciously, and then tell her to give you your money.

You're making me think the accusation against you isn't so baseless after all, or that you fear something much worse will come to light if you get investigated.

by Anonymousreply 9805/18/2013

OP get a real lawyer and have them ask why it took a year for them to take action.. Then go after them for slander, liable, whatever you can. Get mad and fight these people.

by Anonymousreply 9905/18/2013

OP I feel for you, I really do. I think you need a lawyer, a real one, not just legal aid, and you need to tell the parents that all further communication between you and them will be through your attorney.

And I can see you really love what you do, which is fine, but you need to get a state childcare license. I know that will eat into your income but you need to do it.

I am surmising that you're in Mendo/ORE/WA but most likely you're in Mendo & none of those places mentioned have a lot of work.

Good luck.

by Anonymousreply 10005/18/2013

I gotta start with this. It's offensive to assert that childcare is not a real job. It's not a job that pays well, but the importance of our society's children and their needs is very real. Our future well-being is directly related to what we do with the children. If we don't meet their needs, we'll have a glut of emotionally stunted, under-trained, under-educated young adults going forward. Crime will continue to increase, as crime is what you go to when you feel you have no options.

I've known for my entire career that I could make so much more money doing other things. It was a choice aligned with my values, which had its drawbacks (people thinking I don't have a real job or am incapable of anything with better status / pay, along with little money).

R86, I knew in the beginning that he was having meltdowns. It made perfect sense, given the tricky dynamic of older kids he had with me. It should have subsided after a short time. They didn't bring it up and I assumed it went away, as it does with all kids. She told me later that she assumed the whole time that it was because being with other kids was a new scene for him. If I had known, I could have sounded the alarms. Several months of regular meltdowns indicates a change was needed long ago. It is normal to have an occasional meltdown or occasionally not want to go to care, but it should not be regular. I did bring this up afterward, advising they communicate more with caregivers in the future, using them as their parenting partners rather than keeping it to themselves. The mom is a very closed off person. I can't explain why she is like this, but it is the main reason I always felt uncomfortable with the mom. She's stiff and cold.

R87, I don't have exact dates off hand, but we started sometime last summer, and they pulled out 4 weeks ago. Yes, they are poor communicators, but understand that a huge part of my identity is that I am a good and helpful person. To know that people think I am bad is really, really hard on me, despite their errors of action and interpretation that led them there.

R88, agreed. :(

R91, you're preaching to the choir. I've been thinking hard about this for the last year and have come to the same conclusion. I'm getting older and feel the need to think about my future, not just the future of the children I love. There is noone who will have my back, so I knew I needed to do something different. I just couldn't fathom not being with children, so I felt really stuck in what to do to improve. This horrible situation was the strong nudge that caused me to act. My feelings have shifted enough that I can actually see a better life withOUT being with kids. After all this, that is. I have old transcripts on order, and enrolled in school yesterday. I'm looking into grants and trying to figure out how much I'll have to work in addition to going to school. I would like to learn full-time, but need to see what I can swing. I like the idea of volunteering. I will also likely keep a few of my favorite clients on an occasional basis for years.

R94, aside from the institutional preschools, everyone here operates on the fringes, if by fringe you mean cash business. In a few other industries, too.

I haven't sent a response yet, but I wrote a couple different ones late last night. I'm sitting on them, re-reading when I have different moods to make sure it's exactly what I want to say. Mostly I speak about how she and I were never a fit and the kid picked up on the tension. Wording in such a way as to say things honestly that were never said, limiting my exposure, and getting them to pay me (low hopes of that, but I have to try). I did contact legal aid. I have to wait to hear back. I have zero intention of being a pushover, but I also want to proceed carefully. This is a house of cards. I don't want to inspire them to go even crazier.

Finally, I wish I could change my OP. No longer terrified or shaking like I was. I cry now. Overwhelmed. Thinking about how I'm perceived. Thinking through the best course of action. Might take time/legal advice.

by Anonymousreply 10105/18/2013


No one is asserting that childcare isn't a real job. It's how you're doing it that isn't a real job.

And if it's not paying the bills or you're not financially secure, get a better job.

The fact that you're running this unlicensed and without thinking about the potential problems you're going to have, even if these parents don't give you trouble?

You think you don't have money now? Do you realize how fucked you'd be if just one of those kids has an accident under your care?

Reading your subsequent posts have led me to believe that you're not someone who can be helped. You refuse to do what's necessary to protect yourself so, good luck. Everyone is just wasting their time on you.

by Anonymousreply 10205/18/2013

[quote]but understand that a huge part of my identity is that I am a good and helpful person. To know that people think I am bad is really, really hard on me, despite their errors of action and interpretation that led them there.

I believe you, OP. And I think it's character strength in many ways. The world needs more people like you. But it may also be a character weakness because there are people who take advantage of people like you. It pains me to hear you make so many allowances for them and their bad behavior. I have a hard time believing that their motives are in the interest of their child. I think you should, too.

And like others have said. Don't communicate with them directly. Go through Legal Aid.

by Anonymousreply 10305/18/2013

P.S. R95, I am not on disability or anything like that. I legitimately qualify for food stamps. Social services doesn't like that I don't have tax returns, but they accept copies of payment receipts. Though it's not part of the deal, I share my food when the kids are not adequately provided for. I have a strong bent toward nutrition and balance, and can't just let them exist on stupid crackers.

R98, that sounds great. An assault charge is something I've always secretly wished for. :D Also, R98, I hear you. I have dealt with difficulties in business over the years, mostly with aplomb (except for that time in '08 I called a client uptight and lost 4 clients from it. She really was uptight, though...). But it's also clear you are not in childcare and don't understand the industry.

by Anonymousreply 10405/18/2013

[quote]Finally, I wish I could change my OP. No longer terified or shaking like I was. I cry now. Overwhelmed. Thinking about how I'm perceived. Thinking through the best course of action. Might take time/legal advice.

Good, you're making progress in working through the emotions. I think you aren't just dealing with one thing right now, there are a lot of things you are thinking about. It's called growing pains and they don't stop at the teenage years for most of us.

by Anonymousreply 10505/18/2013

Thank you everyone for all the great responses (and all the funny ones too before I gave the details).

I suppose we don't need to take up any more front page space on this subject.

Thank you very much for your insight, and your ear. I appreciate it.

by Anonymousreply 10605/18/2013

I'm so sorry for what you're going through!I went through something like it in school but not like that!Gewt a good lawyer and tell your partner you need him or her to stand by you1This is definitely For Better Or Worse!And if you can afford one,hire a detective!One good thing will come of this...You're going to find out who your real friends are!!!

by Anonymousreply 10705/18/2013

let this go. Consider it a lesson learned. If the parents want they can make your life a disaster. You do not want to them to trigger an investigation. It will cost you money and it will be a nightmare.

Don't work with out getting paid. If you watch someone's kids they need to pay you. You shouldn't wait a month to bill them

by Anonymousreply 10805/18/2013

Do not send a letter without getting legal advice on the letter!! Saying that stuff about not being a good fit and the kid picking up on the tension seems like a bad idea to me. Stick to objective facts and do not make assumptions. Think long and hard as to what is relevant - namely, you did your job and you should get paid.

by Anonymousreply 10905/18/2013

Agreed. OP - what you suggest writing in your letter is a terrible idea. You are basically admitting that you are a poor caregiver and the child should not have been with you. Is that what you want to convey? NO.

The letter should be non-emotional, factual and professional.

Do NOT agree with (or disagree with) anything that the woman said in her letter.

State the facts, in your words. State your professional perspective.

Honestly, OP. How far behind in payments was this woman? People shouldn't be "running a tab" with you indefinitely and then leave you in the lurch for tens of thousands of dollars. 5k and under is small claims court.

The letter should go a little something like this.

Dear Mr. ___,

When you first brought James to me, you did not inform me that James was having tantrums about coming to my day care. Tantrums that began prior to meeting me and the other children. It is extremely unusual for tantrums to last for an extended duration after children have had time to adjust to a new situation. It is even more unusual for the parent of a child experiencing trauma tantrums to not share with information with the child's care giver.

I am not certain why you chose to withhold this information from me and for so long. Had you shared it with me from the beginning, together we could have begun to address James' emotional needs and assist him. There is no question that this would have been in James' best interests.

As it stands, instead of providing me with information critical to James' well being, I find myself holding a letter 12 months later filled with information too late to make a difference for James.

My focus has always been on the well being of your son and I am baffled as to why you would continue to choose to not communicate with me about James's needs, yet continue to place him in my care week after week, then a year later accuse me of being a substandard care giver.

I welcome the opportunity to discuss James and his needs with you at any time, so that you might be able to find appropriate care for him elsewhere, as well as a final payment for services rendered.



by Anonymousreply 11005/18/2013

R110, good ideas. I'm a several drafts kinda person. It's good to write it out even if I don't send it. I will probably follow the gist of your response when getting back to them. If I get back to them personally and not through my lawyer.

Payment is always at the end of each week. They offered notice and later decided to not use the remaining 4wks of care. I asked them to pay me once after two weeks and once after four, after receiving totals from me. If anyone took part of their timeslots, I credited them for that time (I don't double bill). I have been waiting for payment and got this email. I have a final bill for them as of yesterday, which completed the final 4 weeks.

by Anonymousreply 11105/18/2013

[quote] Everyone here operates on the fringes, if by fringe you mean cash business

In Moldavia, there are entire villages where people only have one kidney. They sold the other for $$$. You should consider this.

by Anonymousreply 11205/18/2013

Whether this scenario is true or not, the OP seems like he's desperate for attention.

by Anonymousreply 11305/18/2013

OP is an asshole for not signing his posts.

by Anonymousreply 11405/18/2013

The OP is obviously a she.

by Anonymousreply 11505/18/2013

You're on food stamps? Food stamps for one person means under $1000 a month - you don't charge those people $10 an hour?

by Anonymousreply 11605/18/2013

OP, is there some kind of scheme in your country where the government will provide financial assistance when you pursue higher education? It's not much but it may help you get a qualification in child care or education without having to worry too much about bills. I'm in Australia and if I wasn't paying off a mortgage and renting, it would be enough for me to get by. You're intelligent and have the passion so further education, particularly if you're able to get assistance, is worth considering.

by Anonymousreply 11705/19/2013

R117, living wages are much more common in Oz than the U.S., where I live. We have Republicans running the show here, and they "are not willing to give any more than they already do".

Yes, there is assistance which pays for most of the tuition and books at low-level schools. You can get food stamps while in school, only if you work for the college / university 20 hours a week (but you do get paid minimum wage - it's not an internship).

I will be looking into any other forms of grants I can find, to support living expenses. When I try, I can write persuasively, so I hope I can convince enough donors to support my education. Otherwise, I'll need to take out loans (really not a good idea) or work while in school. That is my fear, because I only have so much energy, and don't think I can successfully study full-time and work a lot too.

But I am rather creative and hoping I'll find a way.

by Anonymousreply 11805/19/2013

OP, how old are you? What are your ideas for areas of study?

by Anonymousreply 11905/19/2013

You need to go to court and file a Defamation of Character lawsuit against them. I haven't read all of the posts here, but you should do this immediately and inform the accuser of your intentions to file. This will prevent them from spreading the virus. This will open the doors to make them responsible if your business venture goes down the drain or is affected in any way by their spreading of the rumor. Along with this, get as much evidence to prove your innocence and their guilt of smearing your good name.

by Anonymousreply 12005/19/2013

I love R110's letter. Definitely take that advice, OP, if you insist on responding to them personally rather than via a lawyer (which is what I think you should do).

by Anonymousreply 12105/19/2013

[quote]To me, lawyering up seems like what a guilty person does

That is where you lost me. Lawyering up is what smart people do guilty or innocent

by Anonymousreply 12205/19/2013

R110-- great letter. Op, at the very least, use some of the phrasing in that letter when speaking with a lawyer R110 did a great job of summarizing what happened, especially in taking the emotion out of the mix. The emotions are certainly understandable, but won't help you make your case.

I'm going through something similar with a former employer. I'm sending my crazy former manager a formal cease and desist letter regarding her defaming me to the school where we both worked. (We worked for a company that provided a contract service to a private school. I was second-in-command.) The work situation was untenable and I resigned after 2 months, just like all of my predecessors had done. About 2 weeks later, I returned to campus for legitimate reasons unrelated to my job, and had permission from the headmaster to do so. The manager was not there that day, but accused me the following day of having broken in. Needless to say, this didn't happen, couldn't have happened, and I had witnesses. She didn't bother speaking with any staff members before concocting this story. The headmaster, not knowing what the manager is really like, banned me from the property.

The banning doesn't bother me as I have no wish to return. But I don't intend to let a serious false accusation stand and am demanding a retraction and apology. My reputation in the community is quite good, and I have a bond of trust with my clients. Hints of criminal activity are not a good thing in my business, and this false accusation needs to be cleared up. I'm not suing for damages, just demanding a retraction.

I've had to leave out a lot of details in the interests of privacy, but wanted you to know that you're not alone. I do think that we (as in all of us) have a right/duty to protect our name when someone tries to ruin it. Slander and libel suits are hard to prove in the US, but the least we can do is try to fight back when the accusation goes beyond mere opinion into intentional defamation.

by Anonymousreply 12305/21/2013

OP, how about an update?

by Anonymousreply 12405/23/2013

Eh, maybe you've all forgotten, but I will give an update, as asked.

Legal Aid denied me as they have "limited funds to serve a lot of needy people". I didn't actually work the hours that I was asking pay for; we were just under contract (4 weeks paid notice was my under-the-table way of ensuring unemployment insurance, but I never got to explain this to a lawyer).

My doctor turned me on to a paralegal, who told me I should print all the emails (since they as much as admitted we have a contract). I should fill out small claims paperwork and email it all to the client, offering them a deal for less money to avoid small claims court and the ensuing fees they'd be stuck with when I inevitably won the case. The paralegal echoed the previous poster who said Keep it simple. Stick to the facts. Don't say too much. Just sorry it didn't work out. We have a contract. I don't want to take you to Small Claims, but if I don't receive your answer by X date, I will file the paperwork you see attached to this email.

In the meantime, thankfully I'm still in demand. I start a 30 hour job next week (doing the same thing) which is scary as I now have a new boss rather than many established clients.

I am concerned about what might happen if I pursue this $400 (though more like $300 after I make a deal and pay to file, and then have to somehow collect the money. It's one thing to insinuate against me (a female). There was a subtle insinuation against my male partner as well, and that simply won't do, since everything is perception. I can talk through concerns about me, but people will jump to conclusions if concerns include a man. It's just the way of our society's perceptions.

I have been emotionally exhausted and anxious over this. This has been so stressful, and the only way I can cope with the idea that a client actually thought I was bad or harmful is to... not think about it and completely avoid it, while going to $10 counseling, which is really helping.

On account I have a new job around the corner (though I am still trying to get very old transcripts to get back into school in a few months), and have a PT teacher asst lead (with 2 useful recommendations for me) at a local charter school for Fall, I am simply walking away from this mess. It is too painful to pursue for what little I might gain. Even though, on principle, I deserve the money. Even though this was financially stressful. We suddenly got two housesitting gigs this month that covered the $400 difference. That helps me to not feel desperate.

They feel so icky to me, and this has been hurtful. I still think that bitch is evil and I imagine terrible things directed at her. I have to work on that because wishing her ill is NOT making my life any better. It's bitter solace, and I deserve better than that. So I lick my wounds and life goes on.

Even though this is frequently a catty site, I truly appreciate people giving their honest feelings (even the people who said I'm hopeless - noone would say that to me IRL and it's good to get real feedback).

Sorry if my response is a little scattered. I hope I covered everything.

by Anonymousreply 12506/12/2013

OP, are you saying this was all over $400. And it was not for hours you worked?

I hope you have worked this out of your system because this is not worth all you seem to have invested in it.

If you had a sort of severance arrangement worked out but didn't get it in writing, you can not be sure you would win any case. What may read like an acknowledgment of an agreement to you may not read the same to a disinterested party, that is the judge. However, if you want to invest more time in it then go ahead. Maybe the experience will be instructional.

Sometimes it is best to walk away and leave it in the past.

by Anonymousreply 12606/12/2013

Funny thing about this country's legal system. For every crime you are supposed to presumed innocent EXCEPT for perceived crimes of a sexual nature involving a child, girl or boy. There was an interesting article that I read, many years ago, about a deputy Sheriff with an impeccable reputation. He accepted a foster child court appointment of a 14 y/o boy in lieu of the boy going to kiddy prison. The Deputy was a strict foster parent who demanded that the boy did chores, went to school, and that sort of thing that wasn't out of reason. The kid was told to do something and he refused. He told the Deputy Foster parent that if he made him do whatever chore it was he would "Get him." And so he did...he told his court appointed psychotherapist that the Deputy made sexual advances towards him. Well that started a shit storm. The Deputy lost his job based on this hearsay, and he lost his credibility. After many years of fighting this the boy finally told the court that it was all a lie but the prosecutor, needing a 99% conviction percentage as he was facing reelection, didn't accept the boy's recantation. The Deputy was so traumatized by all of this he stuck his gun in his mouth and killed himself. Moral is...don't fuck with children!

by Anonymousreply 12706/12/2013


I feel for you. I think I love you.

by Anonymousreply 12806/13/2013


by Anonymousreply 12906/13/2013

I hope this doesn't offend anyone, but this is what I think. As a gay man, I always find it completely idiotic when I hear that another gay man's profession somehow involves little children. I think you're asking for trouble. The minute little Jaden doesn't get his way or the minute little Jaden's parents don't get what they want, they're going to pull out the 'the gay teacher touched my kid' card.

by Anonymousreply 13006/13/2013

Perhaps a polygraph could help you.

by Anonymousreply 13106/13/2013

Maybe he found the lie with the ounce of truth. Don't you see?

by Anonymousreply 13206/13/2013

[quote]Perhaps a polygraph could help you.

Help her do what, claim a $400 contract dispute? This isn't a criminal case.

The OP needs to get her shit together and find a career that pays a livable wage.

by Anonymousreply 13306/13/2013

*You're a 40 year old baby sitter

by Anonymousreply 13406/13/2013

And your paper shuffling has undoubtedly made the world a better place R133. Get a life. Whatever people do to get through is fine.

by Anonymousreply 13506/13/2013

If she weren't dead, I'd swear this was Mrs. Patrick Ramsey, formerly of Boulder, CO.

by Anonymousreply 13606/13/2013

R127, I know a guy who, when he was 12, got pissed at his psychiatrist for telling his parents he was a sociopath. He got even by claiming the doctor molested him. His stupid parents believed him.

by Anonymousreply 13706/13/2013

OP, this thread might help you.

by Anonymousreply 13806/13/2013

[quote]And your paper shuffling has undoubtedly made the world a better place [R133]. Get a life. Whatever people do to get through is fine.

And how is your post helpful?

by Anonymousreply 13906/13/2013

wait a minute, you only charge $100 a week to watch someone's kid? Doggy day care charges more than that.

by Anonymousreply 14006/13/2013

[quote]OP, are you saying this was all over $400

OP, you put yourself through all of this stress for 400 dollars? I know you probably needed the money, but please, 400 dollars is not worth your mental health! Just move on.

Congrats on the new job!

by Anonymousreply 14106/13/2013
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