Talking to your aging parents about planning for the... inevitable
Whether it be nursing homes or death?
My parents are fiercely independent but declining. Mom is 78 and still sprightly; dad is an "old 80"- he watches a lot of TV and naps.
They have 4 houses. Three of them used to be rentals, but they haven't bothered with renting them in years. But they still need maintained: landscaping, utilities, taxes, etc. They do it all themselves, as my sister and I live hundreds of miles away.
It's all like a house of cards; if one thing goes wrong (hospitalization, disability, etc.) everything will fall apart. Neither parent can make it solo- they're like two halves of one person (he can't cook, she can't drive; he can't hear, she has poor vision...).
They say they have a will, but won't discuss any part of it. We don't even have keys to their house if something should go wrong.
How do you tell someone they're not forty anymore, and need to downsize or something?
|by Anonymous||reply 13||04/25/2013|
You need to get them to sit with an estate planner/attorney. They should put all of their assets into a trust.
|by Anonymous||reply 1||04/25/2013|
"So, Mom... when are you gonna kick it?"
|by Anonymous||reply 2||04/25/2013|
[quote] But they still need maintained:
To be, OP. They still need to be maintained.
|by Anonymous||reply 3||04/25/2013|
sometimes parents will listen to others (minister, lawyer, etc.) before they listen to their own kids. Don't know why that is but I've seen it happen over and over again. They should probably get rid of all the rentals and put the money in some sort of trust for themselves. Someone should have a power of attorney for them or at least a medical power of attorney. Is there someone in their lives they would listen to?
|by Anonymous||reply 4||04/25/2013|
Use examples, I bet thay have friends who are facing hospitalizations and nursing homes. Start talking about it, as difficult as it is, don't wait for the inevitable.
My mom has had hip replacement surgery and can barely walk now. My dad had brain surgery a month ago, and he can't function without help. I live next door, and I am their primary caregiver. Believe me, everything changes, and you have to be prepared. Good luck!
|by Anonymous||reply 5||04/25/2013|
My father refused to talk about it but he knew he had to deal with it. I think it scared him to speak of it but my mother, who has pre-paid her plot, told him not to leave such a financial burden on us.
Of course, he died before he made plans.
Where was I going with this?...
|by Anonymous||reply 6||04/25/2013|
They don't trust "outsiders" but they've worked a will out with an Attorney's help.
I agree they should liquidate their assets for future nursing home costs.
|by Anonymous||reply 7||04/25/2013|
My dad was great about transitioning his life.
He decided when he needed to stop driving with no prodding from me or my brothers.
He decided he needed to be in a home due to his failing eyesight.
He sold our family home on his own.
He picked where he wanted to live.
He planned and pre-paid for his funeral.
He lived another 12 years and had many friends at his retirement home.
My dad was great about getting the life he wanted at the end of his life.
My brothers and I were lucky, yes?
I miss the old guy. He would be have been 100 this coming June.
|by Anonymous||reply 8||04/25/2013|
Just went thru hell my Mom died unexpectedly 2 months ago. No will. Lots of assets. Luckily, she did plan her funeral and paid for it. Please get them to do a power of attorney for their health. Thankfully, my mom did one. As for the other stuff....it's worked itself out pretty much. It will make everything go so much better if you can get them to do a will.
|by Anonymous||reply 9||04/25/2013|
I'm glad they've at least spoken with an attorney. Maybe he can talk them into a medical power of attorney. Parents can be so funny when they get old. My mother-in-law a who is truly a sweet and helpful person did everything for her mother when she got old. Ran errands, took her to appts., my father-in-law took care of her yard etc. But she refused to let them know about her finances like she thought they were going to swindle her or something. Of course, my in laws never asked a penny from her as they are quite well off which she knew. But she'd supposedly "heard stories" from people who's kids did this and that and another thing.
|by Anonymous||reply 10||04/25/2013|
my parents were the same in their secrecy. They lost some money with one investment counselor during the recession that they had for twenty years. So they moved $8,000,000 dollars(no joke) to a new guy that advertised in the newspaper in florida. He took them out to lunch and 'he was very nice.' They lost ALL $8,000,000, in 2 years. That was everything they had. I told them that it wasn't the best idea to move the stuff over, but i was told he's fine. He was basically a Madoff impersonator. They sued, and got 5 cents on the dollar. $400,000, from the insurance company. Please be careful and tell them these kinds of stories. They do not know how to handle their own finances at a certain age. They are scammed all the time
|by Anonymous||reply 11||04/25/2013|
I'm almost at that point, OP. They have three properties and failing health; and one is even still working, with heart trouble and high blood pressure. The last time I rode in the car with my father, he almost sideswiped a guy in his blind spot with me in the passenger seat. But all he would talk about afterwards was MY bad driving (it's not).
People seem to get belligerent when they're older -- I can't tell them anything without encountering the worst stubbornness I've ever experienced. They have no thoughts of not working, not driving, selling the properties, moving to a warmer place, nothing.
I have a feeling this is going to get worse...and may never get better.
|by Anonymous||reply 12||04/25/2013|
R11...I am so sorry to hear that your parents were taken like that. I bet you warned them too. I guess sometimes our folks still see us as children who never know better than they do. It's odd that parents who are so convervative with their money when younger make such poor decisions when older.
|by Anonymous||reply 13||04/25/2013|