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How to STOP Obsessing After a Break-up?

I gotta move on, cause the guy I dated has. And he has no feelings for me whatsoever.

But I can't stop obsessing over it.

So how can I STOP this obsessing in my head?

by Anonymousreply 2804/23/2013

OP, went through a similar thing the end of 2011 and put it out here on DL. A lot of smart-ass answers, of course, but the one that seems to have turned out to be true is that the rule of thumb seems to be: however long the relationship lasted, it may take that long, plus a few months, to truly move past it. Getting over it and obsessing about it, I guess, are two different things. I did start letting go of the punched-in-the-gut feelings naturally after about nine months to a year. I still think about the guy and occasionally 'pine' for him, but my life's different now and better, in many ways. What seemed to really 'work' for me was to take on a worthy challenge. In my case, it was getting back into music after neglecting it for YEARS. It wasn't easy, but the energy I probably would have put into HIM went into a completely different and worthwhile challenge. I am sorry for your loss and hope you can find something to put your energy into. Rebound relationships were truly bizarre and disastrous for me, by the way. It's natural to go that route; just don't expect great outcomes, unless you are very, very lucky.

by Anonymousreply 104/21/2013

Don't try to stop obsessing- better to not repress those thoughts but to challenge them and realise that if he has moved on and the interest is gone, those thoughts serve no purpose and never will.

by Anonymousreply 204/21/2013

Try your hardest not to get into a rebound relationship. I'm a living cautionary tale that they don't work. Whoever your ex has moved on with will likely break his heart the way he's broken yours.

Get some counseling. Stay physically active. Do something you've always wanted to do. Take good care of yourself; you've been through a bad shock.

by Anonymousreply 304/21/2013

Not OP but thanks, R1. That helps.

Shouldn't you have waited to be r2?

I don't think it would be so bad (for me) if I knew that at some point he was crazy for me in our relationship. (I know it will never work but I'd like to know I was the best sex he'd ever had - as a consolation prize anyway).

by Anonymousreply 404/21/2013

To everyone so far, thanks for the advice. It helps. Keep it coming

by Anonymousreply 504/21/2013

After a devastating loss, I couldn't stop going over things in my mind, was overwhelmed by sadness and regrets.

A good friend was very supportive and helpful, but the truest thing she said was "You may not believe this, but you will feel much differently in a year or two, in five years you will be amazed at your perspective."

So I suffered along, and bit by bit I began to feel better. I remember the first time a day went by without thinking about it. Time will take care of the pain. You take care of yourself.

by Anonymousreply 604/21/2013

At least you know you are obsessing. The worst cases are in denial about their obsessing and usually doing the "I'm not obsessing, I'm just processing it" thing.

No major changes, OP. Go out and have fun. Do something different. Do something that your ex would have hated to do and/or something you gave up because he hated to do it.

by Anonymousreply 704/21/2013

I think having someone to talk to about it openly is really helpful. It may not be a friend, BTW.

I also journaled a LOT, even when it felt repetitive and whiney: I was amazed how many books I went through. It probably kept me from doing other, more destructive, stuff. I go back and read things I wrote at the height of it and am glad I had the guts to be as honest as I was with MYSELF. It got me past the worst of it. I learned alot about myself that I never took time to, before.

Sorry, sorry, sorry. Obsession is a tough one and I guess I am reliving some of the pain I went through, reading your post. There's no easy way to dump it. It's like grief's ugly step-cousin. You can't get around either one of them; you just have to go through them.

by Anonymousreply 804/21/2013

I agree with [R6] about how amazed you'll be at your perspective in a year, or even in six months. Having the time and space to think your own thoughts will bring out some surprising things. I don't know how old you are, but be prepared to deal with loneliness in ways other than going out and hooking up.

How long since your break-up, by the way? Just recent?

by Anonymousreply 904/21/2013

Anyone who uses the phrase "obsessing in my head" has bigger problems that OCD and control/ownership issues towards others.

by Anonymousreply 1004/21/2013

He has moved on, and I found out I mean nothing to him.


And he is going about his days without a care in the world.

What a self-centered prick

by Anonymousreply 1104/21/2013

I've been there. The last guy who dumped me left me so sad, but in retrospect, I'm thankful. Still friends with him and I realize I wouldn't have been happy with him. I never felt confident or accepted with the last one, and just 4 months later, I met my sweetheart. We are soo good together. He nurtures my self-esteem. That quality alone is so healing and comforting, but we are great in most other aspects too.

Okay, this will sound kooky, and I'll likely get flack, but it has always worked for me. You know how two people merge the longer they're together? So you have to separate from him energetically.

Everything I'm suggesting, you either imagine doing it, or you just say I intend to blah blah, and don't worry about the specifics.

Imagine severing the invisible cords between you. Send back all his rejection so you don't have to sit in this overwhelming broken feeling. Send back anything that's his. Pull back anything that's yours (again, you don't need to know the specifics, just intend to get back to yourself). Pull yourself back into your center. Intend or imagine piecing yourself together again, as a whole person, full, content, happy, feeling good about yourself, with a step forward into whatever comes next adventure you'll have in life. You WILL be happy again.

Then, remember there's nothing wrong with you. If you didn't matter to him, guess what? He wasn't right for you, and he is saving you from a mediocre relationship. He's freed you to find someone much better than him. Someone who's a great fit for you. I know everyone says that, and it's not terribly comforting when you feel like you're falling apart, but it's actually true.

Learn what you can from your last relationship, keep work on separating energetically and returning his rejection, and you'll feel better soon.

Take careful steps to enhance your health right now. This will help you get better sooner. Eat well, exercise, spend time in fresh air. Spend time with friends or doing (non-destructive) activities that bring you comfort. Make your body and life stronger than it was when you were with Mr Wrong. You owe it to yourself. It's only a matter of time after that.

by Anonymousreply 1204/21/2013

He might be doing the old "fake it 'til you make it" thing, OP.

In 6 months, you'll be feeling better and he'll be the one feeling like crap. He's choosing not to deal with it and it always comes back to haunt them.

by Anonymousreply 1304/21/2013

OP -- you are doing what you have to do -- you are coming to terms with who he is and how he really felt.

This is so hard and painful. But absolutely necessary. Think about it, you could go about your days thinking, he'll be back, he'll realize he loved me and other delusions.

Even in a non-romantic relationship, it's painful to do this reality testing. For example, if you put your trust in someone and then realize they are NOT trustworthy. Only after you admit you were a sucker, will you stop being one.

In the mean time, be kind to yourself, don't try to stop the obsessions, go with the flow, challenge the delusions, be reality based. Not fun, but needs to be done.

by Anonymousreply 1404/21/2013

That dick was good wasn't it OP? Make you slap somebody!


by Anonymousreply 1504/21/2013

Sometimes one has to say, I loved an ass and he didn't love me. After the first shock of pain that honesty brings, you can start to deal.

by Anonymousreply 1604/21/2013

And that ass loved a dick.

by Anonymousreply 1704/21/2013

OP, you have got to get help. I've been obsessing and cursing the same man for 17 years now---it is uncontrollable. I wish I had gotten help when it would have done good, now I'm unreachable. I talk to myself like a homeless man, and I screech things out for no reason when I'm alone at home. I'm not kidding. Get help.

by Anonymousreply 1804/21/2013

"But I can't stop obsessing over it."

Should the ASPCA put all pet rabbits on lock down?

by Anonymousreply 1904/21/2013

I'm in the same situation as you, OP. He's over me. I'm not over him. I've heard it takes half the time that your relationship lasted to get over it.

For me, it was a 20-year relationship and I'm on year number 7...3 more to go.

by Anonymousreply 2004/21/2013

Been there, done that. I was obsessed for decades after it ended. I should have seen a psychiatrist before it was too late. Now I spend my days hissing at young whipper-snappers in gym parking lots. Use mine as a cautionary tale, find help. Don't become me.

by Anonymousreply 2104/23/2013

Ya got no dignity!

by Anonymousreply 2204/23/2013

Best way to get over someone is to get under somebody else.

Time to present some hole!

by Anonymousreply 2304/23/2013

[quote]So how can I STOP this obsessing in my head?

Where would you prefer to obsess?

by Anonymousreply 2404/23/2013

Screw a bunch of guys

by Anonymousreply 2504/23/2013

When we break up we feel like we've been tricked or punk'd. You're bound to feel helpless feelings of revenge and worthlessness.

Your break-up may have unveiled some underlying feelings of low self-esteem ("I'm nothing without you"). You need to work on that- not fantasizing about reconciliation or trying to get into another relationship as soon as possible.

Take a break and get to know yourself.

by Anonymousreply 2604/23/2013

OP====> FOOD! Lots of it!

by Anonymousreply 2704/23/2013

Go on a date. Even a bad one. You don't need to get laid unless you want to. Just shift your mindset.

by Anonymousreply 2804/23/2013
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