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How would Christianity be different if Lucy Ball was Jesus?


by Anonymousreply 7004/24/2013

All priests would wear cigarette pants. I guess that's more Lucy Ricardo than Lucille Ball...

by Anonymousreply 104/21/2013


by Anonymousreply 204/21/2013

Priests visiting Italy and staying in seedy hotels with broken elevators would invite young children to their hotel room for ice cream and cake on the pretense of having a birthday party for them. Oh wait...

by Anonymousreply 304/21/2013

Renita Perez would be Mary Magdalene.

by Anonymousreply 404/21/2013

The Christ child would have been smuggled into Egypt disguised as a block of cheese.

by Anonymousreply 504/21/2013

In lieu of kneelers, churches would be outfitted with stone pillows.

by Anonymousreply 604/21/2013


by Anonymousreply 704/21/2013

Jesus wouldn't have attended the Last Supper, as Gary Morton would've talked her out of it.

by Anonymousreply 804/21/2013

People Magazine: How do you feel about gay rights?

Lucille Ball: It's perfectly all right with me. Some of the most gifted people I've ever met or read about are homosexual. How can you knock it?

by Anonymousreply 904/21/2013

Fred Mertz wouldn't have had room at the inn.

by Anonymousreply 1004/21/2013

NOW I understand what it take to get a thread make alive

by Anonymousreply 1104/21/2013

The eucharistic beverage would be Vitameatavegamin.

by Anonymousreply 1204/21/2013

TV Guide would be the official publication of the church.

by Anonymousreply 1304/21/2013

In place of a traditional baptism, church members would be given a sacred henna rinse.

by Anonymousreply 1404/21/2013

Mrs. Trumbull would be the first saint.

by Anonymousreply 1504/21/2013

Peter would resent being the same age as Jesus but being costumed to look older and frumpier.

by Anonymousreply 1604/21/2013

Christmas would be in Connecticut...and called Lucymas.

by Anonymousreply 1704/21/2013

Instead of being crucified, she died for our sins from ashphyxiation by loving cup.

by Anonymousreply 1804/21/2013

The cross would've been constructed from recycled Philip Morris cartons.

by Anonymousreply 1904/21/2013

As penance for mortal sins, people would be required to sit through "Mame."

by Anonymousreply 2004/21/2013

Cara Williams would start up a splinter group to form a new religion.

by Anonymousreply 2104/21/2013

Vivian Vance and Gale Gordon would have to perform a series of wacky stunts in order to decide who should be named #1 Acolyte.

by Anonymousreply 2204/21/2013

A key element of Lent would be forty days of total honesty.

by Anonymousreply 2304/21/2013

The vatican would be decorated in early modern Chinese and look like a bad dream you had after eating too much Chinese food.

by Anonymousreply 2404/21/2013

Catholic churches would be adorned with blazing putty noses instead of candles.

by Anonymousreply 2504/21/2013

All elementary school Lucymas pageants would have a requisite role of someone sneaking into the act.

by Anonymousreply 2604/21/2013

Communion wafers would be made by Jesus herself on an assembly line, and all of the sacramental wine would be made from grapes stomped by Her as well.

by Anonymousreply 2704/21/2013

The Apostles would all have that de rigueur Italian haircut.

by Anonymousreply 2804/21/2013

Pope Don Loper

by Anonymousreply 2904/21/2013

In addition to being Pope, Don Loper would design the Shroud of the Brown Derby.

by Anonymousreply 3004/21/2013

Jesus would feed the multitudes by turning a few crusts of bread into a 14-foot-loaf.

by Anonymousreply 3104/21/2013

Instead of being entombed in a cave for three days, Jesus and Mr. Mooney would accidentally lock themselves in a bank vault over Easter weekend.

by Anonymousreply 3204/21/2013

There would be extended story arcs where Jesus and his disciples would go to Rome and meet various celebrities. Jesus would be unable to stop staring at Messalina in public, and when the empress later visits Jesus and Mary Magdalene in their hotel Jesus would emerge from his room with a 'do-rag over his hair and a false putty nose.

by Anonymousreply 3304/21/2013

"we NEED a little Xmas! right this very minute. . . oh wait!"

by Anonymousreply 3404/21/2013

When first shown the cross by Pontius Pilate, Jesus would perform "the spider" face.

by Anonymousreply 3504/21/2013

The New Old Testament:



Ruth Knickerbocker

by Anonymousreply 3604/21/2013

The only song Jesus could blow on his shofar would be "Glow Worm" (very badly).

by Anonymousreply 3704/21/2013

The Last Supper would have been replaced by Breakfast With Ricky and Lucy.

by Anonymousreply 3804/21/2013

Abortion would've been legal centuries earlier, leaving open the possibility that Tennessee Ernie Ford's mother would've terminated.

by Anonymousreply 3904/21/2013

Hell would be a meat locker.

by Anonymousreply 4004/21/2013

Jesus would have been born at the Little Inn on the River Out.

by Anonymousreply 4104/21/2013

She's not?

by Anonymousreply 4204/21/2013

Jesus would have been a woman who acted like a drag queen.

by Anonymousreply 4304/21/2013

The Last Supper would have been served by Ethel Mertz, filling in as Jesus' "maid," Ethel Mae, because Jesus didn't want the apostles to know she couldn't afford a maid.

by Anonymousreply 4404/21/2013

She'd have a lot of 'splainin to do.

by Anonymousreply 4504/21/2013


by Anonymousreply 4604/21/2013

Congregation members would be forced to sit on madeline pughs.

by Anonymousreply 4704/21/2013

The holy wine would taste like feet.

by Anonymousreply 4804/21/2013

Fidel Castro would have been a busboy with a Judas vibe.

by Anonymousreply 4904/21/2013

The Last Supper would have been served at The Brown Derby, and Lucy would have been breaking bread with her "Apostles", aka The Wednesday Afternoon Fine Arts League ladies!

by Anonymousreply 5004/21/2013

Lucy would have denied three Carlotta Romero!

by Anonymousreply 5104/21/2013

Lucy would have BEEN denied three Carlotta Romero!

by Anonymousreply 5204/21/2013

"The Exodus" would now be the epic tale of when the Ricardos broke their lease with Pharoah Mertz, and moved to The Promised Land- Westport Connecticut!

by Anonymousreply 5304/21/2013

All hymns would come from the score of "Wildcat!"

Old Testament prophet: Richard Denning

New Testament prophet: Desi Arnaz

by Anonymousreply 5404/21/2013

I would have gone to the school "Our Lady of the Immaculate MOO MOO", rapped on the knuckles by nuns in silver lame martian costumes.

by Anonymousreply 5504/21/2013

Lucy would ride into Jerusalem on a long, long trailer.

by Anonymousreply 5604/21/2013

Eucharist would be an 10 pound smuggled cheese offered to you with the words "This is my baby"

by Anonymousreply 5704/21/2013

The marks on the Shroud of Turin would have been made with face tape adhesive and Tareytons.

by Anonymousreply 5804/21/2013

"Moneychangers are a great big bunch of gyps!"

by Anonymousreply 5904/21/2013

People speaking in tongues at tent revivals would be part of the Henna-costal movement.

by Anonymousreply 6004/21/2013

Lucy would fire y'all for these crummy jokes!

by Anonymousreply 6104/21/2013

Jesus would be able to walk on scotch and water.

by Anonymousreply 6204/21/2013

The Burning Bush would piously mean that the carpet matches the scarlet drapes.

by Anonymousreply 6304/21/2013

Lucy would turn water into wine.

by Anonymousreply 6404/21/2013

She would upstage Tallulah Bankhead at the PTA play by raising Lazarus from the dead.

Judas would betray her for thirty Cuban cigars.

by Anonymousreply 6504/21/2013

Onward Christian Soldiers, marching as to WHAAAAAAAAHHH!!

by Anonymousreply 6604/22/2013

[quote]The only song Jesus could blow on his shofar would be "Glow Worm" (very badly).

Also "Sweet Sue".

by Anonymousreply 6704/22/2013

Jesus would stage one resurrection too many around the year 1986. Followers would say, "We want to like this, but we think we've seen it already."

by Anonymousreply 6804/22/2013

Jesus came upon four fishermen who had been unsuccessfully casting their nets all morning. She instructed them to cast their nets on the other side of the boat, and miraculously the nets came up filled with frozen 50-pound tunas.

by Anonymousreply 6904/22/2013

Jesus would bring his band to the steps of the synagogue to sing, "We Are Friends of the Friendless and we want to be your friend".

by Anonymousreply 7004/24/2013
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