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Looks-discordant relationships

I'm trapped in one now with my bf. I'm the hotter of the two. We've been together six years, and we were pretty much on par in terms of looks when we met. People used to jokingly refer to us as "book ends," which we loved. While I've kept up my appearance, he has totally let his looks go. He stopped going to the gym regularly, not to mention the cheap dockers, the bad haircuts, and lack of manscaping. I love him to death, but I'm not much attracted to him anymore. And to be frank, it's a little embarrassing to be seen with him. I know people are whispering things like what do I see in my bf and how could I be with him. For good or for bad, we live in an area of the city where a premium is placed on good looks, and other guys frown on not looking good.

I've been trying to get him to get back to the gym, go shopping etc., but he claims he's too busy at work. Well baby, I'm busy too, but that doesn't stop me from maintaining my looks. On paper, we're monogamous. I don't want to officially open it up/go "monogamish" if we don't have to, but I am frustrated. I don't want to toss in the towel, because, as I said, I love the guy. Anyone else in this type of looks-incompatible relationship who can offer some pointers for rectifying things?

by Anonymousreply 6204/17/2013

This has to be a troll posting, because it's so blatantly idiotic. On the one per cent chance, though, that you are sincere, OP, I will give you this insight:

That stuff about "inner beauty" is nonsense. You don't see any in him, and you haven't got any to see.

by Anonymousreply 104/17/2013

Kill yourself, OP.

by Anonymousreply 204/17/2013

Cut him lose, he deserves someone who will appreciate him for himself and not some superficial ideal.

by Anonymousreply 304/17/2013

No, r1, I'm not trolling. Maybe I'm shallow, but I like the idea of having a good looking bf. I can see his inner beauty. He's a good person, but that's not all there is.

by Anonymousreply 404/17/2013

From what you describe, he hasn't lost his looks. He's gained a few pounds and doesn't want to dress in gayware and manscape. The former is what most people do as they get older OP. Other things became more important than washboard abs. The latter is something that should be applauded. Give me a man in Dockers and a $10 hair cut over some queen in True Religion jeans and a faux hawk.

by Anonymousreply 504/17/2013

Do him a favor and leave him. Seriously. You asked and Im going to tell you the truth. I'm thought of as the better looking partner and Im much younger. If you care about aesthetics so much then you owe it to the both of you to be honest about it and get out of the relationship. Personally I find your attitude towards someone you've been with so long unfortunate and immature. You're going to get old one day and you're going to look like shit. Grow up. Or get lonely (eventually). Attraction is mostly in the mind - you are lazy if you have to rely on what someone looks like.

by Anonymousreply 604/17/2013

[quote]For good or for bad, we live in an area of the city where a premium is placed on good looks, and other guys frown on not looking good.

This statement proves the OP is either exceptionally shallow or is a troll. When public opinion the superficial enters your consciousness and becomes something you worry about, then your love for your bf is incredibly phony. The bf should dump the OP and find a man that loves him for who he is and not for how society looks at him.

by Anonymousreply 704/17/2013

it sounds like he's become depressed?

by Anonymousreply 804/17/2013

R5, prone to generalities much? Not everyone lets themselves go and not everyone is immune to maturing with some dignity. There's a huge spectrum of people between the two extremes you mention. Fit older men who take care of themselves and look their best are sexy. Don't kid yourself.

by Anonymousreply 904/17/2013

OP is a cunt.

by Anonymousreply 1004/17/2013

Wouldn't you become depressed r8 if the OP was your boyfriend?

by Anonymousreply 1104/17/2013

OP is a total troll. Why would he be asking a bunch of basement dwellers for advice if he already has one he despises at home? Senseless.

by Anonymousreply 1204/17/2013

I don't think he's depressed, r8. His company underwent a major transition last year, so he's been working very hard. I'll give him that. But not so hard for him to ignore working out, grooming etc. I work very hard too, but I maintain my appearance. Like it or not, looks are very important in a relationship. I love the guy very much, so that's why I've stayed despite the general loss of attraction. My friends tell me they would've been outta there ages ago if they were in that situation. I don't mean to come off as a martyr, but I have sacrificed a bit of my happiness over this in order to stay with him and try and see it through.

by Anonymousreply 1304/17/2013

Don't lose your real estate value, OP. If you live in a gayborhood where looks count then you owe it to yourself to have a better looking boyfriend. You might start seeing things happen such as not getting tables in the right restaurants, not getting invites to brunches and parties, and just in general falling out of the scene. I totally get it.

by Anonymousreply 1404/17/2013

OP, you sound worse with each posting. Cut your losses and shut the fuck up. You're a shallow twat and your BF deserves better.

by Anonymousreply 1504/17/2013

No, looks are important TO YOU. And you're using the statements of your so-called friends (get better friends - one's that care about you not dying alone) to try and generalize that out and you're using DL to try and gain support for that idea and MAKE YOURSELF FEEL BETTER. But not everyone feels that way. You do. Own it. You don't need people to agree with your priorities - be a big boy and own them. And make your decision to leave him accordingly. Clearly you don't prioritize the same things and have thus grown apart/become incompatible. Cut him loose so that he can find someone who will love him for all that he is... and so that you can find what you actually want (good luck keeping it though, everyone here with half a brain knows you are setting yourself up for a big fall).

by Anonymousreply 1604/17/2013

OP out of curiosity, are you the same age or is he a lot older than you?

by Anonymousreply 1704/17/2013

I was in a similar relationship where I didn't find myself attracted to this guy but we became friends and eventually boyfriends. Things were great for a couple years then we stopped having a physical relationship and I realized I just wasn't attracted to him anymore. My advise to you is to break it off now before you hurt him more or you stray and things get really messy. Or you could be open and honest about his change in appearance.

by Anonymousreply 1804/17/2013

Everyone's looks fade eventually. No one is beautiful forever. Inner beauty is far more inticing to me than a shiny outer shell. I have seen many a pretty boy that is solid gold on the outside and a shit-sandwich on the inside. Either count you lucky stars that you have a good man and love him for who he is, or cut him loose and let him find someone who will love him unconditionally. Then you can find your 'arm trophy.'

by Anonymousreply 1904/17/2013

He's "let himself go" and busied himself in his work because all he has waiting for him at home is a shallow, nagging cunt.

by Anonymousreply 2004/17/2013

r17, he's actually a year younger than me. I'm 33 and he's 32.

r18, he already knows how I feel about his appearance. We tell each other pretty much everything. I try not to make him too self-conscious about it, but he knows that it's increasingly becoming an issue. Even his friends are saying things, half joking to him that I'm going to leave him if he doesn't get his act together.

by Anonymousreply 2104/17/2013

obviously your BF deserves better

by Anonymousreply 2204/17/2013

He'll be better off without you, OP. Someday, and it won't be long, your looks will fade. No matter what you do, they will fade. Trust me. Then you will be the one being dumped for being "less than perfect." It will sting. Trust me.

by Anonymousreply 2304/17/2013

Maybe he is suffering from depression. Many times you can't see the signs. And people can hide it very easily.

by Anonymousreply 2404/17/2013

Total troll post. And if not, the OP should kill himself for being terminally shallow. Come to think of it, OP should just kill himself either way.

by Anonymousreply 2504/17/2013

OP, I'm experiencing something similar with my long-term girlfriend. Within the last year or so, she decided to go granola on me, which included a decision to no longer wear deodorant. She now frequently smells like an Indian curry house, which I just can't find attractive. Nothing I say will get her to put on some damn Secret.

She's also trying to combat a nasty plaque buildup with oil pulling as opposed to just getting a damn teeth cleaning. On top of all that, she works from home, so she's adopted an almost permanent uniform of stained sweats and/or a dingy bathrobe. It's a good day when she puts on normal clothes AND brushes her hair.

Yet she still wonders why I never want to have sex with her.

Of course I love her, but at this point I feel almost physically repulsed by her. It's a shitty feeling.

by Anonymousreply 2604/17/2013

Thanks, r26. I can definitely appreciate how complex a situation it can be.

by Anonymousreply 2704/17/2013

Hey Op, do your bf a favor and dump him. He deserves WAY better than you. I also think you are a shit-stirrer. Have fun with your super sounding friends,in your super sounding city,where a premium is put on looks. Pretty sure it's you and your Bunny Bixler type friends I'd be mortified to be seen with!? Your boyfriend sounds handsome. Buy yourself some expensive blouses and highlights. Then meet your BFF's for Appletinis. You'll be over him in no time. Stay Classy Op!

by Anonymousreply 2804/17/2013


by Anonymousreply 2904/17/2013

op...notice the difference in your post and what r26 states. At no point does she say shes embarrassed to be seen with her partner, that her friends are embarrassed for her or that shes worried people are talking about her behind her back, and that her partner doesnt fit in with her "click". BIG DIFFERENCE. YOURE worried about what people will say/are saying about YOU.

by Anonymousreply 3004/17/2013

Wait. The same queens railing about OP being shallow are the same DL queens who refuse to date someone if they don't wear the correct underwear, don't have big enough dicks or don't have the correct length of pubic/chest hair.

Anyone else see the irony here?

by Anonymousreply 3104/17/2013

OP's bf sounds cuddly and cute & there is a HUGE diff in what r26 says and what the OP says.

OP go ahead and throw out your bf, he sounds like he makes way more than you and he'll get someone else in no time. In the meantime you'll be scrounging, even with your "good looks".

by Anonymousreply 3204/17/2013

I always feel sorry for straight men who marry gorgeous women, only to watch her looks disintegrate once she starts having kids.

by Anonymousreply 3304/17/2013

If he's only in his early 30's and he's already letting himself go, dump him. It's likely only going to get worse as he gets older.

by Anonymousreply 3404/17/2013

OP sounds like an insecure teenage girl desperate for approval from the popular girls.

You keep talking about your friends and the company you keep and how they only care about looks. You'r shallow and insecure if you're in your 30's and still desperately trying to keep up with the "It" crowd.

Sounds like good looks is the only thing you have to offer and when that starts to go, you're whole network of "friends" will die as well.

by Anonymousreply 3504/17/2013

Leave him.

by Anonymousreply 3604/17/2013

Wow, you sound truly awful. And with each post, you sound even worse. Yes, physical attraction is important (for you, obviously, it's priority #1). But there are other things that sustain a relationship once looks fade. Your boyfriend sounds like a sweet, possibly depressed person who would benefit greatly from getting away from you. I feel so sorry for him that you've had to have discussions about the big issue of his unattractive-ness. He probably feels horrible anyway and then to come home to you, the supposed golden god who doesn't think he measures up? Ugh, it's just gross.

You sound like a D.C. gay, am I right?

by Anonymousreply 3704/17/2013

What R25 said. OP is most likely a sad old lonely queen with too many cats and a shit load of time on her hands.

by Anonymousreply 3804/17/2013

Shit. I am the partner who has gained 15 pounds, and is no longer obsessed with the way that I look. I am 42 years old, and have been dieting and exercising since I was 16. I feel like I deserve to relax a little at this stage of my life, and focus more on relationships and inner happiness. I now attend yoga classes instead of killing myself with cardio and weights. If I want a cupcake, I am going to eat one. I used to starve and deprive myself, and was a raging bitch when I did so. I hope that my partner would prefer me happy, but sadly, I suspect that she would rather have me hot.

by Anonymousreply 3904/17/2013

Whilst OP is a clearly a bit of a dick, and yes his situation is different from R26's... ignoring all the shallow stuff, call me a cynic but I think the OP may have been 'peacocked'.

Perhaps the BF OP has now is actually just dropping the act he used to attract OP in the first place. As someone who never ever exercised until last year, and never thought I could enjoy the gym, I can see that if someone hasn't kept up with it then they were never into it properly in the first place. I mean, I only go once a week but it's enough to ward off any creeping flab, and keeps me physically a lot fitter.

Same goes for the clothes. If someone has slipped into 'comfortable' (read: slobby) clothes then they never wanted to dress nicely in the first place either. And before anyone calls me a label queen- that's not what I mean, I just mean taking pride in your appearance, like people used to do in the old days.

In a way, it's a kind of misrepresentation. It's dishonest, and OP is right to feel a bit put out. HOWEVER, he's WRONG to think the solution is cheating; he's WRONG to be bothered about what others think; and he's also wrong to say he loves him. He loves the man his BF pretended to be to snag him.

One expects a bit of a slide in a relationship, but not to the extent OP described. And if he's not taking the hint/offering up excuses then he's either depressed or he's been dishonest with you about who he is. If he's not depressed, then you're not in love with him after all, but his 'Peacock'.

R26, dump the bitch. Life is too short for people that pull that 'letting myself go because I can' shit.

I know this won't make me popular. I don't care. Everyone should make the most of what they have. 32 is not an acceptable age to 'give up'.

by Anonymousreply 4004/17/2013


by Anonymousreply 4104/17/2013

[quote]I'm trapped in one now with my bf. I'm the hotter of the two.

I'll be the judge of that.

Link to photo, please.

by Anonymousreply 4204/17/2013

[quote]For good or for bad, we live in an area of the city where a premium is placed on good looks,

You must live in the "Beautytown" section of Indianapolis!

by Anonymousreply 4304/17/2013

No, r37, we live in that wonderful whore-overrun area known as Hell's Kitchen. It's a great area with a huge gay pop. It's important to look good. That's just the way it is. And I like what I like. If I didn't care about appearance, I'd move us to Inwood, whereupon I would kill myself :) Seriously, though, I would like him to get back to the gym regularly and improve his diet.

by Anonymousreply 4404/17/2013

You could just constantly shout at him, "YOU'RE NOT PRETTY ENOUGH FOR ME!" That would get his attention.

by Anonymousreply 4504/17/2013

This thread reminds me of a situation I was in a few years ago, only, it involved race. I'm an attractive, fit, professional white guy who fell for a wonderful, polished Black gentleman who's fit, professional, super smart, kind and very attractive (hung like hell to boot lol)! Most of my friends didn't approve of us being together due to him being Black. They couldn't pretend he wasn't a good guy, etc, because he was and is a great human being. My sister, brothers and Mom tried to warn me to forget the naysayers and treat him the way I'd want to be treated in this situation. I eventually caved in to the pressure....BIG mistake!! On top of this, I quickly realized I truly loved him after I broke up with him. However, he no longer felt safe with me, and wouldn't let me back into his heart. I was crushed. I will never make that mistake again. Its interesting that after the breakup, I also realized I didn't care about those bigoted & fake friends. Sorry to rant (it still hurts and its been 5 years.) I'm still friends with his Mother and sisters, but, he's moved on to a great partner. He and I were 35 at the time.

OP: Since you love him, ask yourself if you are willing to let him be himself (since you say you still love him.) Have you suggested doing fun, outdoor activities (tennis, etc.)? Just "be honest & gentle" with yourself and him. Give yourself more time to really think this over before you act. Forget what your so called pals think (no offense.) Why? Because karma is really a B. Let us know how things go, please.

by Anonymousreply 4604/17/2013

OP, don't listen to these assholes on DL, what you are describing is perfectly human and reasonable and the best advice I can give you is to try to be more comfortable with your feelings and put them in perspective, especially with respect to the feeling of embarrassment, which is an existential crisis which you can face and moderate

by Anonymousreply 4704/17/2013

[quote] I don't mean to come off as a martyr

That's the last thing you come off as. Try 'shallow vapid cunt' and you may find a more fitting self description.

by Anonymousreply 4804/17/2013

He should break up with you. He can do better.

by Anonymousreply 4904/17/2013

Not a clever attempt. An Eccentrically Suspect Tableau, I'd say.

by Anonymousreply 5004/17/2013

R31 is right. I bet half the assholes in this thread are the types who only date guys that could pass as their brother (while posting online ads for "white guys only"). Yet, here you all are piling on OP. It's also pathetic that some of you are resorting to depicting the bf as a saint just because you disagree with OP.

If OP's bf is unwilling to make any concessions regarding his health and hygiene then HE doesn't deserve to be with OP. physical attraction is important, especially when you're talking about men in their early 30s. Only old people who are afraid of dying alone feel compelled to remain with someone despite some major red flags.

by Anonymousreply 5104/17/2013

I see where you're coming from OP. You keep yourself up why can't your partner? He doesn't even go to the gym? Cut him loose and find someone who values themselves. He can't value anyone else until he values himself. Sounds like you have a "take you for granted" kind of guy. You don't need that shit. You obviously care more than he does. He seems to act like he's single already.

by Anonymousreply 5204/17/2013

r 46: sorry about that situation. he sounds like a great guy. op: i had to carefully tell my loving partner that it was important to me that we be there for each other and care for ourselves as best we could over the long haul. i would buy clothes for him each birthday and at Christmas. when i'd buy a new summer and winter wardrobe (just a few items), i'd buy for him as well. i always made sure he liked each gift, so he'd wear them. i would leave my fitness books opened during reading breaks. he finally got on the program with me. i found a way to get him to do these things by being respectful and loving. i still think you may be able to make this work by suggesting fun things you can do together. my bf and i worked out at home.

by Anonymousreply 5304/17/2013

R51, you sound very bitter. How do you know what anyone responding on this thread does in real life? Yes DL has a bunch of hypocritical douches but I'd like to think they're the minority, you seem to think they're the majority.

And OP isn't upset because he's worried over his partner's health, he's worried because of what the "it" crowd will gossip about him.

"He can't value anyone else until he values himself."

If only Op's partner could learn how to be completely shallow and become a label queen. Then maybe all the cool kids will accept him.

Seriously, you sound so insecure desperately trying to be accepted.

by Anonymousreply 5404/17/2013

I can't believe that bigoted cretins like R46 actually exist. How the hell did that asshole decide to dump his boyfriend before his racist friends?

by Anonymousreply 5504/17/2013

Men are hotter when they're scruffy. Some 40 year old in tight jeans and silly haircuts is embarrassing to everyone.

by Anonymousreply 5604/17/2013

[quote]You keep yourself up why can't your partner? He doesn't even go to the gym? Cut him loose and find someone who values themselves. He can't value anyone else until he values himself.

So, you're in effect saying that it would be [italic]moral[/italic] for the OP's boyfriend to go the gym. That would show that he is a better person than he would be otherwise.

I just want to make sure I'm understanding you properly.

by Anonymousreply 5704/17/2013

I'm curious why "it's important to look good" in Hell's Kitchen? Please enlighten me.

by Anonymousreply 5804/17/2013

R54, Sorry but there is no excuse not to take care of yourself. None. If he's not willing to put in the effort than why should the OP? I would never let anyone take me for granted ever.

by Anonymousreply 5904/17/2013

[quote]And to be frank, it's a little embarrassing to be seen with him.

And that right there says it all. You care more about what others think about YOU in your relationship, than what's going on with your Partner and what YOU think about him.

That's pretty much the death-knell right there.

Another Hint: Love for someone isn't predicated entirely on looks... that's lust (or "infatuation" even).

by Anonymousreply 6004/17/2013

OP sounds in pretty bad shape inside.

by Anonymousreply 6104/17/2013

Your boyfriend deserves better than you.

by Anonymousreply 6204/17/2013
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