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The Inevitable Boston Marathon Telethon: your predictions

With your host Denis Leary!

Matt and Ben on tape.

And Ted Danson and Rhea Perlman, asking viewers to text the word CHEERS in order to make a $10 donation to the American Red Cross.

by Anonymousreply 6104/21/2013

Donnie Wahlberg and Conan O'Brien duet on "You'll Never Walk Alone" while Steven Van Zant plays mournful guitar accompaniment.

by Anonymousreply 104/15/2013

We'll perform an extra-saccharine version of "More than a Feeling", of course.

by Anonymousreply 204/15/2013

Mark Wahlberg in a thong singing "Good Vibrations".

by Anonymousreply 304/15/2013

The Boston Pops Orchestra will do a special concert.

by Anonymousreply 404/15/2013

Tom Brady of course

by Anonymousreply 504/15/2013

Everlast will roll up in his limo to sing about the plight of the working class. House of Pain will share their pain. Marky Mark will announce his intention to run for mayor of Boston. Ben Affleck will clench his jaw and direct the celebrity concert from the sidelines, like Quincy in the We Are The World video. Secretly, on their jets out of Boston (because who would ACTUALLY live there?) nobody will give a dime or a fuck, because all it is is a PR bump.

by Anonymousreply 604/15/2013

All my fat friends will spend all day live tweeting about it from their couches and change their facebook photos to the Red Sox logo.

by Anonymousreply 704/15/2013

Steven Tyler will sing the second worst version of "Wish You Were Here", after Fred Durst's version from the 9/11 thing.

by Anonymousreply 804/15/2013

Ben Cohen with pledge against bullying in sports, and hopefully give a few blowjobs.

by Anonymousreply 904/15/2013

Ahh..thanks for the cynicism DL. I can always count on you! It's such a nice counter balance to all Facebook friends subtly making it all about them and their feelings.

by Anonymousreply 1004/15/2013

Cyndi Lauper* singing "True Colors" with the Boston Gay Men's Choir, while the camera pans over marathon runners in wheelchairs, waving American flags.

[italic]* I know Cyndi's not from Boston. But do you think she'd pass up this opportunity?[/italic]

by Anonymousreply 1104/15/2013

Elizabeth Hasselbeck will go rogue and urge the US to nuke Pyongyang.

by Anonymousreply 1204/15/2013

Amen, R10.

by Anonymousreply 1304/15/2013

Everyone's heart is CRYING on facebook. Amazing with all of the unspeakable horror that happens every day, all over the world. So disingenuous.

by Anonymousreply 1404/15/2013

Tom Cruise there to promote Obl... speak on the phone to those wishing to donate.

by Anonymousreply 1504/15/2013

Justin Bieber making a severed limb an honorary belieber!

by Anonymousreply 1604/15/2013

Jay Leno will be the host, people. In fact, you need to watch him tonight.

He's the biggest Boston patriot in the nation.

by Anonymousreply 1704/15/2013

Dane Cook will do a special "comedic tribute" to Boston featuring a sentimental look at ho's he's fucked and bro's he's "dude-d"

by Anonymousreply 1804/15/2013

Don't forget about me. I am already picking out my celtics jersey.

by Anonymousreply 1904/15/2013

A live link to Rihanna singing the national anthem at the Red Sox game, hopefully with a black eye and two broken front teef.

by Anonymousreply 2004/15/2013

Dave Loggins' "Please Come to Boston in the springtime" will play while a slideshow passes of people around the nation creating pyramids of baked beans cans with little plastic American flags sticking out from them to express grief and solidarity with Boston.

by Anonymousreply 2104/15/2013

Gillette will sponsor a new Marathon Memorial razor that gives an electric shock to your face so that your beard will stand up micro seconds before the hairs are cut down like innocent bystanders on Boylston Street.

by Anonymousreply 2204/15/2013

Kanye will claim that Mayor Menino hates black people.

by Anonymousreply 2304/15/2013

"Hi. I'm Bahstan Rahb. On Suhvivah, we play the game in tribes. Today, we are all ONE tribe..."

by Anonymousreply 2404/15/2013

Perfect R24 lol

by Anonymousreply 2504/15/2013

I will show up just to confuse you even more and make you assume that I am actually from Boston

by Anonymousreply 2604/15/2013

Speaking of Facebook.... here's something I don't get.

A friend posted something about the bombs going off at the marathon. She got 5 'likes'

What the fuck is there to like about a bombing!

by Anonymousreply 2704/15/2013

Facebook is such a dysfunctional shithole. It's so juvenile. It just shows how disassociated people are from life, especially when they're "liking" disasters to show their unconvincing support of emotion. Support emotion!

by Anonymousreply 2804/15/2013

Chris Evans will auction off his chest hair to help the families!

by Anonymousreply 2904/15/2013

Special appearance by Great White and their pyrotechnics crew.

by Anonymousreply 3004/15/2013

Matt Damon, Ben Affleck and Mark Wahlberg will sing "The Greatest Love of All" while a montage of the Red Sox plays in the background.

by Anonymousreply 3104/15/2013

ghosts of Walter Brennan, Bette Davis, Agnes Moorehead, and Ruth Gordon will read from Longfellow, Dickinson, Hawthorne, and Thoreaux.

by Anonymousreply 3204/15/2013

[Aside]A Facebook Like doesn't mean "liking", sometimes it's an acknowledgement or sympathy. That said, I wish there was a dislike button for everyone who keeps posting about their personal memories of Boston. Who gives a fuck?

Now back to our regularly schedule cynicism.

by Anonymousreply 3304/15/2013

They'll drag out those kids from the school shooting to do background vocals while Katy Perry sings "Firework."

by Anonymousreply 3404/15/2013

Thousands of running shoes each with a little candle.

by Anonymousreply 3504/15/2013

If only it was on a plane and in first class then I woulda gone BAM and knocked that pipe inta tha haaaaaabor.

by Anonymousreply 3604/15/2013

Dionne Warwick asking for donations for her Boston Victims with AIDS charity.

by Anonymousreply 3704/15/2013

R17, Jay is on vacation tonight. Otherwise you are spot-on.

And the Cyndi Lauper post is hysterical.

by Anonymousreply 3804/15/2013

Madonna singing "Causing A Commotion"

by Anonymousreply 3904/15/2013

You guys are such amazingly clever assholes. I hope that when I die you can come eulogize me ! I really think the Ted Danson Reha Perlman idea is pretty good.

by Anonymousreply 4004/15/2013

An appearance by Oscar Pistorius.

by Anonymousreply 4104/15/2013

Minnie Driver, remember me?!!! I used to date Matt Damon.

by Anonymousreply 4204/15/2013

Thank you for the introduction, R37.

Please join me at this terrible hour of grief and woe by sending me a hefty donation in cash to:

Boston Race-Amputation AIDS Victims and Dead Babies of Terrorism Foundation of Light in Christ, LLC

c/o Miss Dionne Warwick

141 San Jose Fevela

20070-013 Rio de Janeiro-RJ Brasil

Senhora Lupella Tatu-Gordura, Chairwoman and Diva Maid Miss Cindi Dallas Houston, Treasurer and Budding Chanteuse

The need is immediate and the cause is very, very close to my heart, so give till it hurts. Otherwise fuck you.

by Anonymousreply 4304/15/2013

Hey gays, any room for me on that stage? I can be quite presidential as I showed on my last venture.

by Anonymousreply 4404/15/2013

I seriously don't see the jokes in this tragic event at all.

by Anonymousreply 4504/15/2013

It's not the event itself, R45, it's the carpetbagging phonies who co-opt the crime for political agendas, publicity, self-important crusading, etc. It's shameless. And shameful

by Anonymousreply 4604/15/2013

TMZ has the tweets of "celebrities" like Kelly Osborne and Kim Kardashian, who feel the necessity to tell the world how they feel about every fart that happens while they are getting their make up applied. Oh and thanks Eva Langoria for filling us in on the event of the day- like no one watches the news on TV. They are phony, sad assholes. It would be more appropriate to just shut your holes.

by Anonymousreply 4704/15/2013

R45 needs to go drag her slug ass elsewhere. Any cunt who has to announce her cluelessness with ungrammatical huff here is both misplaced and begging for a salt shaker.

by Anonymousreply 4804/15/2013

I won't be there. I have my own problems miss

by Anonymousreply 4904/15/2013

I know I'm going Hell but I laughed out loud at r21's post.

by Anonymousreply 5004/15/2013

60's band The Standells will perform their hit "Love That Dirty Water" after the mayor symbolically dumps 20 Lbs of red dye into the River Charles.

by Anonymousreply 5104/15/2013

Shepard Smith usually does breaking news pretty well, car chases anyway. But today, when he reported that some of the serious injuries were decapitations I did laugh out loud, despite the sadness and what not.

by Anonymousreply 5204/16/2013

It is offical!

Dionne Warwick makes any tragedy funny.

by Anonymousreply 5304/16/2013

What did Anderson say??

by Anonymousreply 5404/16/2013

LOL! Thanks Op.

by Anonymousreply 5504/16/2013


by Anonymousreply 5604/17/2013

r51, I was wondering when someone would mention that song

by Anonymousreply 5704/17/2013

R50-51 are missing

by Anonymousreply 5804/17/2013

Bieber will perform and at the end, he'll tearfully proclaim that he hopes the victims were beliebers.

by Anonymousreply 5904/17/2013

Abbie Hoffman will rise from the dead and begin crooning Love That Dirty Water in his thick Massachusetts accent.

by Anonymousreply 6004/21/2013

Don't forget me, too!

by Anonymousreply 6104/21/2013
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